View Full Version : REVOlution: Preview

4th January 2006, 7:13 AM
D: Thanks to all who gave advice.


Here is the Preview for my up and coming fiction;


It's about the Hoenn Champion starting over, and finding herself after a cataclysmic accident.

Not really in the mood to write a big long intro, so read and critisize at will!

PRO-log: The fall

When you are born, there is this awful weight that presses down on your chest. It makes it so that you cannot breathe unless you try, try and gulp the air greedily or else you’ll die. This is how you enter life, with a horrible weight pressing down on your tiny chest, trying to kill you. Your innocence means nothing to that pressure. It still tries to destroy you.


The lights and the shouting was all too much. They didn’t stop yelling. They crowded around in a circle of oppressed violence, screaming questions into the chaotic air. They pressed in, closer and closer and closer. Shouting, screams, lights, heat….

The noise. The blinding, white noise.

The sun shone above, bright and searing. The sky was a perfect, ceramic blue, not a cloud floating on its opalescent surface. The usual tangible serenity that covered the grounds of Ever Grande was shattered with the multitudes of people that crowded around a single girl; frazzled, tall, and light haired. She looked no older than sixteen, her face creased with a mixture of worry, sadness, and anxiety. Three men in black suits surrounded her, their bulky frames the only thing that separated the reporters from the slender girl.

The crowd closed in around her as she walked briskly away, striding toward the imposing brick building that was the League HQ. The sliding glass doors opened for her automatically, allowing the three men in suits to follow after. They quickly turned once they were inside, and locked the doors with a few presses of a keypad.


She stopped in the middle of the tiled room, filled with computers and tables and chairs. She stopped and took a huge breath, inhaling deeply, and then exhaling. Her long, gold-streaked-brown hair plastered to her face, and she lifted a hand to wipe it away from her forehead. Blue eyes looked around, as if finally registering that the crowd was gone, and that she was safe. The men in suits each took a corner of the room, waiting for her to make a move so that they could follow.

Her gaze flits down to the pokeballs sitting on her waist. One of the six is missing, because one of the six is in the ER, and might be dead. She has no idea if her Blaziken is alive, or dieing in the room across from her, a room with a sign that reads: ER: OCCUPIED. They have been in there for three minutes, so far.

It has been three minutes since that battle.

Her mind clears itself of fog. A face then sits there, within her subconscious. It is a face of stoic hatred. He has eyes the color of the devil, and a soul just as black, just as bottomless. There are no words to describe his actions, for they are poison on the lips.

If her pokemon dies because of him, then so-help-her-god, she will kill the b*astard.

The sadness still lurks within her frame. She realizes now that she never was worthy of the title in the first place. She has no idea what desperation is. She has no idea what it is she fights, everyday. Her limited knowledge of herself is watered down now, lying in shattered pieces on the floor.

She has won countless times. ‘Battle Goddess’, they call her. A woman of war, full of embittered knowledge and a fire for the fight. Brave, concise, immaculate in her ways and in her speech.

A fighter for the millienia.

Today she has won, though it feels far from a victory. This has never happened before. She is used to the elated feeling that accompanies a triumph, not this sickening pressure that crushes her chest and kills her inside.


Her ideal of the world is warped now. The evil that she has read about in fairy tale books has now targeted her. There was a time when she had traveled the world of Hoenn, free from this evil blackness that twists minds and destroys hearts. Now she truly knows what it is. Her cold exterior never foresaw this. She has been jaded, all this time.

She thought that she was untouchable when she became Champion. When she ordered the final attack to defeat Steven, the Master of Steel, she had been thinking only of the victory, and never of what might happen if she was to be handed defeat.

She never thought about the defeat of another kind.

‘Battle Goddess’, they called her.

Revenge steps inside her head for only a moment, and is then ushered away by self-inflicted guilt. This is her fault. This is her mistake.

The fame no longer matters to her. It all seems very far away now, a soaring bird resting on a distant horizon. Suddenly, the sign on the ER door slowly fades. Nurse Joy comes out, her cap askew. There is a weary smile on her face as she assures the girl that her pokemon is stable.

Her mind reels with so many emotions.

The girl turns from the nurse, and inhales deeply.

She opens her mouth and emits an inhuman sound, a heart-stopping, soul-wrenching scream that tells a ballad of anguish and pain to the greedy, listening world. The sound reverberates inside the walls, and the grown men in black squirm uncomfortably. That scream is wraith-like and stained with evil. The nurse, the healer, looks fearful.

The wail stops.

In a single, anguished second, the girl crumples to the floor, sobbing. The tears stain the floor and her crushed face. They roll like the saddness and relief within her, the defeated fire of self-hatred beginning to flicker within the depth of her soul.

‘Battle Goddess’, they call her.

4th January 2006, 3:38 PM
This is pretty good, Saber! I quite liked how you wrote this prologue, it drew me in only to release me at its end.
I am curious to know who she battled, but I will wait for the rest of it.
As I have not had the time to read your other work, I cannot see how they compare. I can say though, that this was a very good prologue and I plan to stick around. :)

*pulls up bean bag and sits on it, waiting patiently*

4th January 2006, 5:04 PM
That was an interesting read. I won't say that I was hooked by it. It was more like the hook missed but I saw it and will stick around to see if it won't miss next time. Seems like an original idea and that's a plus. PM me when the first chapter comes out so I can read and review.

4 Stars

4th January 2006, 5:13 PM
O_o Wow. Just.... wow. This seems like it'll be a very different fic. Nothing seems to be wrong with the idea or plot what-so-ever.

From being a closet reader of your other fics, this one might not seem to have much humor in it like the others but ,then again, I may be wrong. This section was very captivating and I do plan to keep my eye on this one.

I am a little bit curious ,just like katiekitten, as to who she battled to get her Blaziken in such a severe state.

EDIT: Let me refrase that. I'm curious as to what kind of pokemon her Blaziken battled. Just crossed my mind for a Blaziken should have a large advantage.

4th January 2006, 5:25 PM
When she ordered the final attack to defeat Steven, the Master of Steel, she had been thinking only of victory, and never of what might happen if she was to be handed defeat.

As you can see it does say who she battles.

8th January 2006, 2:19 AM
katiekitten: o-o LE SANKOOS! :3 I'm glad it managed to hook your attenion, that was what I was going for. :P Thanks again, and I'll bring around the real story later! :P

UnholyWeather: IT MISSED YOU?! Hoe noes. :P Sorry bout that, I'll try and improve on that aspect of, 'le hook.' Glad to hear you'll keep reading, and I'll definetly PM you. ^.^ Thanks again!

And it wasn't Steven. :P I was just saying that when she battled Steven for the title two years ago, she never thought about what might she feel when she was beaten as a Champion. >.> Sorry for the confusion.

whiteabsol: ^.^ Thanks! Yes, this story is quite a lot different from meh other one. >.>;; *stares at shiftily*

:3 You'll see what pokemon she battled....LATER! Haha. It's one that can pretty much beat up a Blaziken, really bad if the command is ordered. >.> Thanks again!

8th January 2006, 2:31 AM
Too dark? TOO DARK?! Did you forget who you're talknig to? XD I'm kidding...this is darker fare than your previous works, but you always had a hand for drama, so don't worry about any possiblr gltiches, okay? XP

See how far you've gone since the first chapter of CoF? You should be proud of yourself! D:

It's creepy when she screams at the last part, I actually shuddered a little (or that was the REALLY HOT mouthful of tea I just swallowed too fast. XP)

I'm curious about why teh title is REVOlutions, but if you won't tell me, I can wait.....(orIcanbeatyouwithabrokenbeerbottle.)

8th January 2006, 2:35 AM
Hhiiii Saber.

This is great. I love how you shifted the focus of the real idea of Pokemon without changing it much at all. I don't actually read trainer fics very much, but if this one even is a trainer fic I'll read it because it sounds so good. Quite origional; not many of the Pokemon fics on this forum take Pokemon and put it into a world like ours, a world where childhood has an end...But so few of those are truly good. I bet this one will be one of those few.

And...Um...GO KINGDOM HEARTS! *shot for off topic-ness*

Eternal Daydreamer
8th January 2006, 2:36 AM
I must say, this is interesting! I'll have to stick around. Now I know how the reviewers of The Chocolate Factory feel.

8th January 2006, 2:55 AM
Un-Freakin' Believable!!! Saber, you are amazing. This is the work of a genius, there is no doubt about it. The imagery expressed through the description was just beautiful.

I have never read any of your work before. Everybody always told me that you were the best, and I took their word for it. But after reading this, I realize that it is all true. Wow, I'm still in shock from reading it.

I like what you have offered the forums. I promise I will be an avid reviewer of this piece of work when it comes out. I'm glad that I was privileged with the oppurtunity to read this. Thank you again.

8th January 2006, 3:11 AM
Scrap: 'cause the Girl's name is Revo. :PPPPPPP

THANKS DAHHHHHHHHLING. And yes. I am a Drama Mama. :3 *hugs*

Scream scream. :3

Faerie: OUI! Hallo! ^.^ Thanks for the nicey nice comment, though, this story doesn't take place in the REAL WORLD! o-o Thanks for reading, even though it's....erm....A TRAINER FIC. :P Thanks though, seriously. *hugs*

La Carlotta: ^.^ THANKS! Heehee, waiting stinks, but it's worth it in the end! ^________^

Shiny_deoxys: Genius? TRY INSANE MAD CRAZED WOMAN! :P But seriously, thanks, that's a big compliment I think I just can't take seriously cause I'm dumb. >.> And who's 'everybody'? >D

Thanks though. ^.^ O.o And.....er....priviliged? Dun think so. Not even lucky. Probably more like, OMFG NOOOOOOOOOOO! *darth vader no*

:P To me, anyway. Thanks again!

9th January 2006, 4:45 AM
Funny, isn't it? I've been tracking PR: CoF since, like, chapter 9 or 10, and the first piece of work by you that I actually comment on is this!

Unfortunately, I don't have anything to say that's been said already (in terms of compliments, at least) so I'll just say that this is a really nice taste of what's to come.

However, I do have a couple of other things to say:

First, did you mean to spell "prologue" as you did? I don't remember if you had one in CoF, but it just looks...weird like that, at least IMO.

Second...well, I'm sure it was intentional, but something that really irked me was the sudden switch between the past and present tenses. Maybe it's because it's very rare to see a tense switch like that, but to me, it kinda...ruined the moment for a second. I guess I feel that the present-tense section could have been done just as well and with just as much effect in the past tense.

Barring that, though, this does seem to be something with a lot of promise, and I'll make sure to watch for it.

9th January 2006, 5:35 AM

I do believe you are one of the few authors whom I review who I have yet to nickname, huh? I will think. XD ANYHOO... this was very good, and (wait for it) in my opinion, much better than PR:CoF. This seems full of that intangible substance that makes fics great, ya know? I absolutely loved the style you used, with pauses and -gasp- tense changes that work, and what not, I think this at last proves that you have the skill to write something pure and simple, without such things as destiny and powers and transformations getting in the way. Don't get me wrong; PR is well-written, but I miss the basic characterization techniques and simpler plot development that occurred in the early chapters of that work. It appears that with this, that style will be ressurected. ^_^

BUT getting back on track, this was extremely interesting. Such a great idea, paired with a character just waiting to be delved into. And the concepts from that beginning... sounds very familiar to me, especially that repeated word... I can't put my finger on it.... XDDD Are you reading my mind? Or my Word documents?

Just kidding. XD I wish good luck with this project. Looks great.

P.S. Too dark? Really? Actually, I think that this is a much more balanced tone than some chapters of PR. I liked it... and I am not usually a serious fan of dark themes, unless used correctly. (read: it's used correctly here! woo!)

Evan Turner
11th January 2006, 6:01 AM
Hello. I think this will make an interesting story. It seems.... Serious. I need to read more of those stories. And write. Well, what you can't write, you should read. Anyways, I guess this will be as big as your other one. Maybe more. The title and abbreviation (sp?) are cooler too. Sooo.....Can't wait to see it out. Alright, so I guess I'll go now. Good luck on this and the other story.

Sike Saner
14th January 2006, 5:49 AM
Why in the frell did it take me so long to notice this?!....*bashes own head in*

Bah...but anyway, boss goodness here. Harrowing for certain - I was so sure that Blaziken was going to die, yet the cutie pulled through.

...Of course, you did only say that Blaziken was stable...what if the birdie...er, destabilizes? Crisis in the ER!

I swear that such a morbid idea does not intice me as much as it might have sounded like it did there...

Aheh heh heh...yeah. Anyway, you've got me interested for sure. ^^


It all seems very far away now, a soaring bird resting on a distant horizon.

Absolutely gorgeous. ^^

Looking forward to this for sure! *hugs*

22nd August 2007, 4:02 AM
-_- Wow, I can't believe I missed this.

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