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UnholyWeather
4th January 2006, 6:52 PM
Hello to all you readers and writers out there. You probably me don't know which is understandable because I don't really post that much. This my coming out thread. It will contain a small part of my story that I'm writing. It isn't very long, but when I post the first chapter, this will be posted with it.
Enjoy.


There is a prophecy of oncoming darkness, when a threat will endanger the balance of a world. False harmony shall fall upon the earth, thriving in abundance. But thunderclouds gather on the horizon, raining down sweet malice. An eternal struggle of infinite proportions will be subdued by a single individual, but not forever. The future is full of uncertainty, but one thing is set in stone. Darkness is just on the horizon.

~~~

“One step at a time.”

That’s what he’d been telling himself for the past two hours. Didn’t really help that much. His throbbing feet were proof that the mind over matter crap didn’t work. Of course, he was still walking so, maybe, it did work. Either way, his feet were pulsating anvils of agony. His legs were no better, but their pain had been reduced (yeah, sure, and that shimmering he saw on the horizon was water) to a dull ache about an hour ago (thanks to his feet).

“One step at a time.”

He wondered if one’s brain can fry if it stayed out in the sun’s merciless heat for too long. Or maybe it slowly baked, cooking it’s self in its own fluid. Actually, that sounded mighty tasty. Baked brain with a side order of chopped liver soaking in cranial fluid. Just the way mamma used to make.

“One step at a time.”

He idling thought if he was losing his grip on reality. “Naaaah,” he thought to himself. Who, in there right mind, wouldn’t enjoy a juicy brain? Baked of course, fried wouldn’t be good for your tummy.

Yummy.

Great, now he was seeing a giant, white bunny dancing toward him. Would it want to dance with him? Did he remember how to dance? Was he ever taught how to dance? Would it rain purple spotted sleeping beasts? Probably, unsure, bitter berries, huh?

Yet more steps.

How weary he felt all of a sudden. His heavily cloaked shoulders were stooped forward. He could barely hold up his brain. No, that’s not right. Where was his brain located again? His chest, maybe? No, that didn’t sound right. He knew it was inside something hard just like he knew that the sky was white. He really wanted to fly a kite. No, no, must not get sidetracked. Hard…hard…hard? His head, that’s the place. Couldn’t hold up his head anymore.

More steps.

Would he make it to the shimmering area? “No,” he thought to himself, “shimmering places are just as real as giant, dancing bunnies.” “So I probably won’t make in time.”

Looking down at his dusty, scuffed boots and the now comfortable-looking ground, he wondered if he should lie down and take a nap. No, just a little more.

“Just…one…more…step,” he murmured to himself.

Then he promptly collapsed onto steaming, smooth sand causing it to puff up into a small, sparkling brown sugar cloud.



I guess it isn't much of a preview, but I don't want to give away too much of the story. To tell the truth it's more like a teaser.
Tell me what you think.

*Edited*

whiteabsol
4th January 2006, 7:20 PM
The book The Gray King comes to mind here. This little section is well written but could you make it longer? I understand that you don't want to give away the story, but this isn't much of a prolouge.

The plot seems as if it's based on the Emerald game. But from what I read, it'd be a good idea to add a little more origanality. There's not really much to say for the prolouge is way to small to actually give proper reveiws.

katiekitten
4th January 2006, 7:40 PM
Well, it is well written, the prologue. It could use with being a little longer, though, giving the reader at least a hint of what you meant. Four/five lines to make a nice paragraph would be acceptable, but two lines doesn't go far. I couldn't really tell anything from them, and I am quite confused.

UnholyWeather
4th January 2006, 7:42 PM
Hmmm...yeah maybe it is a bit short. Pretty vague too. But that's the point of a teaser, to not show too much. I see your point though. The concept may be unorignal, but story will be...I hope.

Anyway thnxs. Oh, and it's not based on any of the games.

Guitar dude bill
4th January 2006, 10:38 PM
Is it gonna be a pkmn fic or non-pkmn fic? And it sounds good. PM me when it's up.

Saffire Persian
4th January 2006, 11:17 PM
I think it'd take more than that to be a teaser.. it's just a paragraph, you can't glean a ton by it, no offense, for the paragraph does sound intriguing. If you're going to post the preview, I'd probably make it a bit longer. Perhaps a page is MS word or something. ^^

Sempris
5th January 2006, 1:24 AM
Yes, it should be a little longer, but, you still caught my interest. I'll definitely be poking my head into that story. Can you show us a preview of the characters? Or would that be spoilerific?

UnholyWeather
6th January 2006, 3:08 AM
Thanks for all the responses. They are greatly appreciated. I'm gonna add to the preview after this. It's gonna introduce one of the characters. It may seem a bit generic maybe, but it's just the beginning. I promise the rest of the story won't be, except maybe the concept. Okay I'm rambling now, I'll stop. And yes Blingin G, it will be a pokemon fic even if it doesn't sound like it.

Kiyohime
6th January 2006, 3:15 AM
Cool, it's just like the Gunslinger from Stephen King, my favorite author. :0 When shall the story be up?

whiteabsol
6th January 2006, 3:21 AM
It would help if you descibed the character somewhere in there, but it was pretty good.


He wondered if one’s brain can fry if it stayed out in the sun’s merciless heat for too long. Or maybe it slowly baked, cooking it’s self in its own fluid. Actually, that sounded mighty tasty. Baked brain with a side order of chopped liver soaking in cranial fluid. Just the way mamma used to make.

That made me crack up ^.^


How weary he felt all of a sudden. His heavily cloaked shoulders were stooped forward. He could barely hold up his brain. No, that’s not right. Where was his brain located again? His chest, maybe? No, that didn’t sound right. He knew it was inside something hard just like he knew that the sky was white. He really wanted to fly a kite. No, no, must not get sidetracked. Hard…hard…hard? His head, that’s the place. Couldn’t hold up his head anymore.

I didn't really like that part much. You might want to change that a little bit. The flow there didn't really seem...even.

Those parenthasis (sp) you might want to get rid of.

~W.A~

UnholyWeather
6th January 2006, 3:22 AM
Yeah I admit his book was one of my inspirations. Of course, the story won't be anything like it. I'll PM you guys when I've finished the first couple chapters and when I figure out how to PM. *sweat drops*

Didn't seem too smooth to me either, whiteabsol. I'll spread it out.

Kiyohime
6th January 2006, 3:46 AM
I don't blame you...his books are awesome. *_*

And you're both right. That flow seemed a bit unnatural to me.