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View Full Version : First draft of "Coherence". I need help with grammer and spelling



Dunsparce
15th January 2006, 2:52 AM
---Coherence---

Many ages ago… A civilization of Humans and Pokemon that lived with one another in Perfect harmony… They could communicate with one another using special powers. They saw each other as complete equals. The humans made great Shrines and Temples. There was no “capturing”, there were no “trainers”. But like all great civilizations… they don’t last forever. As the years went by, the great empire deteriorated and fell into oblivion. Only a few remember the tale of the once great kingdom. Only two ruins remain… They have been called many names over the Millennia, but the most familiar names are The Ruins of Alph and the Tanoby Ruins.

Now, unlike most legends, this tale has not yet ended. A lineage that started back when the civilization whose name has been lost in time existed. A 15 year old boy with his one Pokemon companion, is in the middle of a journey of no definite destination or goal… This story is about the trials and tribulations center around these two individuals…

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Two figures were walking down a dirt road. One was human, the other was a Pokemon, more specifically, a Linoone. The human had raven hair and deep blue eyes. His hair was short, and looked messy. He wore a black T-shirt with a sky blue silhouette of a Magneton on it. Under the Silhouette was the word “Magne™” in round, fancy letters. He had blue jeans and dirty, white shoes. The Linoone was quite big for one of it’s age. He had sleek, smooth Fur and had brown stripes and had blues eyes, like all Linoone. The human’s name was Lee and the Linoone’s name was Ziggy.

“Now tell my why we’re on this journey, again?” Asked Ziggy, with a tired look on his face as he walked along .
“Can’t you ever remember anything on your own?!?” Lee inquired, annoyed by the many questions from his long-time friend for the last two hours. He turned his head towards the Linoone, waiting for a response.
“Well, you’re the trainer, right? YOU do the thinking, I do the Fighting.” exclaimed the rodent, with a look of satisfaction on his face.
“Dammit! My family disowned me!!! Even you shou--”
“Look!” interrupted Ziggy. “FINALLY! A town! Damn, all this walking is making me tired!”
“But I carried you most of the way!” Exclaimed Lee.
“If that Granbull hadn’t got in the way!”
“You Bit Him!!!”
“He was looking at me funny!!! I had to do something!”
“He kicked your sorry ***!!!”
As they were bickering, the two entered the town, and got many stares.
“Why is that kid talking to that Linoone like that?” one man asked another.
“How come he has it out of his poke ball” said a woman ,talking to herself.
The two bickered on and on, when all of a sudden a Short, shout man got in their path.
“ Hey, there kid! How’d ya’ like this Ragecandybar? It’s only 500 Pokedollars!” He exclaimed, pulling out what slightly resembled a moldy piece of fudge. Lee and Ziggy took a glance at each other.
“What does it do?” asked Lee quizzically.
“Why, it heals a Pokemon’s HP by Twenty!” He said with a big grin on his face.
“What?!?!? That‘s a rip-off!!!” Shouted Ziggy “Potion does the same thing and costs 300!!!”
“What’s that, you wanna try some, little guy? Okay!” The man said, shoving the Ragecandybar into Ziggy’s mouth.
“Mmph-fmmph!!!” Ziggy tried to say before spitting the candy bar out of his mouth.
“He can’t understand you, Zig. He can’t comprehend Pokemon speech!” Lee murmured quietly to Ziggy.
“So what, he can understand this!!! Ziggy shouted, jumping on the burly man and biting his hand.
“YOW!!!” Screeched the tubby man. Some people began to get closer, feeling something’s going to happen.
“Zig, STOP IT!!!” Lee screamed, pulling the Linoone off of the man.
‘That there thing needs to learn a lesson!!!” Screeched the pudgy man, who was rubbing his hand. His face was boiling with anger.
“That thing tasted like ****!” Wailed the Linoone, trying to escape from his human’s grasp.
“You and your furry little friend are going to regret this.” he man said, pulling out a Pokeball.
A bunch of people gathered around them, waiting for something to happen.
“Go, Onix!!!” he shouted, throwing the Pokeball up in the air.

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What will happen to our dysfunctional heroes? Will they even stand a chance? And why was that Ragecandybar moldy?

What do you guys think? It's my first true fanfiction. It's kinda short, yes, but I'm trying to do my best. I am COMPLETELY open for corrections (Unlike some people >_>; )

Hyper Chibi Absol
15th January 2006, 3:21 AM
I like it! =3 It's a pretty good start and it's funny! ^^

PDL
15th January 2006, 3:24 AM
I can't really help you with grammar and spelling, but I can help you with how you've written it.

first of, don't just go telling us about what the characters looks like, you must show the character. Describe the character by his or her actions, or whatnot. However, don't go crazy with descriptions, your audience is bound to forget what clothes your character is wearing, or make up their own image in their mind's eye. there's little need to describe what the pokemon would look like, since your audience are fans of pokemon, they know what it will look like, only describe what makes the pokemon special.

secondly, I'm not a huge fan of the script format, try to break it up into neat paragraphs, starting a new one each time the character speaks or when you want to present a new idea.

anyway, I like the prolouge you've written, you can make it longer (but don't go out and give the plot away! ;))

good luck with the fic...

Dunsparce
15th January 2006, 3:36 AM
I can't really help you with grammar and spelling, but I can help you with how you've written it.

first of, don't just go telling us about what the characters looks like, you must show the character. Describe the character by his or her actions, or whatnot. However, don't go crazy with descriptions, your audience is bound to forget what clothes your character is wearing, or make up their own image in their mind's eye. there's little need to describe what the pokemon would look like, since your audience are fans of pokemon, they know what it will look like, only describe what makes the pokemon special.

secondly, I'm not a huge fan of the script format, try to break it up into neat paragraphs, starting a new one each time the character speaks or when you want to present a new idea.

anyway, I like the prolouge you've written, you can make it longer (but don't go out and give the plot away! ;))

good luck with the fic...

Okay. Thanks^^; I'll see what I can do.