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Angeling
26th January 2006, 6:18 AM
Okay.. I have no clue why I'm posting this if I haven't come up with a title yet. Well, I guess I would like some constructive criticism and any help for my current fanfiction. I'm not entirely done with chapter one, but I will post what I've got (or at least some) here.. in hope of someone helping me advise and to make it better. Advice includes helping making things clearer, or any grammatical errors, and the like. Well, here's the first part of .. the first chapter or so.

But yes, some information not directly included in the fanfiction is usually gotten from sources like SPP Pokédex. And the Japanese names are obtained through the Japanese-English Guide (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=100333) provided by Latios here. However, if it is better that I kept the English names, do tell me and I will modify.

Yes, it is kind of short.. but as I said, it's not the complete chapter, and I'm hoping for some revisions and perhaps a change of names. Perhaps a nickname for a certain Pokémon, or all.

Thank you for reading, and for any.. help one may choose to offer. And if I am not allowed to post something like this, I apologize in advance.. And it does look quite different from Microsoft Word.. *curses it* ;-;



.chapter one.

"An EEVEE has an unstable genetic makeup that suddenly mutates due to the environment in which it lives. Radiation from various STONES causes this POKéMON to evolve."

***


All may know Mew as the beginning of life, the creator of Pokémon and the source of all Pokémon genes. But yet one has never seen Mew in sight before, but it is still proven to have existed – perhaps still existing with all of us right now. But how would one explain the phenomenon of this individual Pokémon named Eevee? This rare specimen known as EEVEE must be found and studied upon, on how it could have such an unstable genetic makeup and what could possibly happen if it were to be exposed in different environment. That said, if an EEVEE was to be found, the Evolutionary Frontier Institute will have its goals achieved and have five Eevees for its research; its research on how an EEVEE will 'mutate' or change into a different form, varying upon the environment it dwells on.

All in all, an EEVEE is very much essential to the Evolutionary Frontier Institute, abbreviated to EFI, and much anticipation is awaited upon this EEVEE, and any help is to be appreciated.


****

A large figure sitting lazily on a large, dirtied beige couch turned around as it turned off the television with the small black remote control. The figure seemed to be quite obese, so much that they nearly blended in with the folds in the couch, hands bulging from the sides of the person’s belly, remote in one.

Then entered another, more slim figure. It was a young girl, with long brown hair tied in pigtails with pink ribbons and thin-rimmed glasses over her crystal blue eyes, standing at the hallway and staring at the man sitting on the couch. Hands at her hip, this young girl had just arrived home from her class and only to find her lazy father watching television on the couch once again.

"Father," the girl groaned. "Why can't you get up sometimes instead of sitting there and doing nothing? You’re so lazy sometimes... What would mom do if she knew?"

The man looked up at her daughter and then returned to stare at the blank television set. His eyes seemed to be glued onto blank television, as if he was seeing something in his own mind than a real lifetime show or something.

The girl sighed, her head facing the floor and muttering a few curses under her breath. Then, she turned on her heels and headed to the stairs abruptly without a second glance or word at her father. Having stormed upstairs in a rush, the girl slammed the door behind her and fell onto a soft, pink bed with a small creature flying down to the girl’s head.

"Taaaill..." the creature, which was a small blue bird, chirped sadly over the girl’s head.

"I'm okay, Taillow..." the girl said, though her voice betrayed her with the tone of sadness and crying in it. Petting the Taillow softly with one hand, a smile slowly came across the tear-streaked face. "Thank you, Taillow..."

As the girl had a Taillow, a bird type Pokémon, it had only meant that she was a Pokémon trainer. A Pokémon trainer one who trained and raised Pokémon, though there were those who competed with Pokémon or those who just raised and bred Pokémon, with a lot more varieties of choices for people choosing to live with Pokémon. Though there were many careers, one can never be sure of how many Pokémon really do exist, and humans will never seem to understand fully on all Pokémon.

Rachael Lutin was the daughter of an intelligent, wise mother but was rarely home due to her private works at an institute she was disallowed to have much personal contact, leaving Rachael with her father at home.

Soul Hunter
26th January 2006, 6:33 AM
I really like this fanfiction, it looks pretty interesting and unique. Yep I like it, I don't see any problem with it. And about grammatical errors, well I'm not good with those. =X Keep up the good work. And it's going really well, I can't wait for the rest of this fanfiction! =) Maybe the japanese names may confused people, but I like it though. It's better than reading the same names over and over.

Zerodius
26th January 2006, 7:36 AM
Before I post anything else...

USE THE ENGLISH NAMES!!!

You want to writte in english? Use the english names! People don't want to always have to check the guide every five seconds, you know!

Now that this is said... this story's premise so far seems not too bad... but not too good. So, the hero (Rachael) is the daughter of a scientist and will probably be hunting five Eevees or something... could be interesting, could be boring.

Not enough story material here to really judge, no really offending cliches, plot holes, or plot devices so I cannot bash your story. Nothing really worth noting positively either so far apart from a grammar that seems good.

All in all, I cannot judge... but you do have caught my attention. Use the english names and post the next chapters. Who knows? Maybe I'll be surprised in a positive way?

Anyway... good luck with your next chapters and have fun writting.

Dias
26th January 2006, 3:21 PM
I'm going to go ahead and move this to the author's cafe. Previews and such belong in there, and you'll probably get more attention there with a thread entitled preview. Also, this way, once you come up with a proper title you can start off one the right foot in this forum without having to get someone to change the title of the thread or something.

As for the writing itself, so far it's decent. There isn't really enough for me to make a solid opinion on it, but there's adequate description, complete sentences, proper spelling and correct grammar, so there's a good start. The only place that looks a bit off to me is


The figure seemed to be quite obese, and very much that the person could almost be absorbed into the couch itself

Nothing major, just looks like it could use a bit of alteration.

And I would agree that it would be better to use the English names of the Pokemon since the rest of the work is in English. It's up to you when it comes down to it, but I think the read would be much smoother without having to pause to look up the translations.

Good luck.

Angeling
26th January 2006, 9:13 PM
Well, thank you for the comments/reviews/whatever you call them.

Dias: I wasn't sure where exactly to put it, since it was after all, only a preview, a bit of the first chapter.. (Too short to be one whole chapter.)

But to both, I will change the Japanese names back to English, with the good points brought up. However, what if I were to give a legend of it? Well, probably not as good.. so I'll stick with your advices.

I will also change that awkward part, which I also thought of it as awkward.. just that I couldn't think much of it. And I'm not too sure if I rushed from Rachael finding her father to her own room. But she's not exactly going to be hunting the Eevees, but her mom.. but she is sort of the [heroine], I suppose.. will be involved with the Eevees.

Anyway, thanks for the luck and reviews/comments.

Mimori Kiryu
26th January 2006, 9:25 PM
I really enjoyed this, Kyukon. I'm glad you're going to use the English. I don't know all of the Japanese Pokemon names. xD I'm not literate.

Anywho, for your overall thing, I don't see any grammatical errors anywhere, your spelling is great and the style and flow you have seems to fit you.

Overall, I think that you have the potential to take this story far. I'll be sure to check in with you about this story! ^^

PsiUmbreon
26th January 2006, 11:10 PM
Hmm... it's a good start... although... I'm very very glad you decided to change to the English names. I can't tell you how much that irks me that people insist on using Japanese names.

*goes into minirant* I can't stand it when people insist on using the Japanese names for Pokémon and then insist we look them up. It irritates the crap out of me. They think they're so 1337 and awesome because they know the Japanese names, and call everyone else ignorant and lazy for not looking them up. Big f***ing deal. No one cares that you know the names. But not everyone does know them. So at least have the bleeping consideration for other people and use ENGLISH names. [/end rant]
**Disclaimer: This rant was not directed at anyone in particular**

Sweet May
27th January 2006, 12:17 AM
This is interesting, Kyukon. I don't really care if you use English or Japanese names. I can go the reference a little and find out. But I'm not going to compete with anyone. English names it is. ^^;;

And to be on topic, I love it so far. Good luck on writing this and can't wait to read the chapters soon. =)

Angeling
27th January 2006, 5:15 AM
Thanks for all the comments, which all happen to be made by all my friends right now. ♥

Yeah, I understand though.. about using the English names in an English story. I just wasn't too certain before, but as you can see, I've modified some other stuff.. but haven't added any other information. I procrastinate too much for my own good...

PsiUmbreon: Thanks for uh.. sharing the rant.. and I think someone actually made a thread for that, almost like what your mini-rant was about.. which was closed.

Thanks again, for the reviews, and as I said (maybe indirectly), I modified a few stuff.. like the one Dias mentioned. My friend helped me changed the awkwardness.. and I changed Taillow's name back to.. Taillow.

And I will be sure to work on my fanfiction as much as possible, though not in the next few days.. for personal reasons.

Dragonfree
4th February 2006, 3:15 PM
Closing on author's request.