PDA

View Full Version : just a bunch of crazy people (and pokemon)



Tabs The Omnipotent Hamster
31st January 2006, 9:56 PM
dropping in quick. i was bored, so i decided to make my first fan-fic. here it is:

Prologue
I’m getting sick of this already!

It all begins in a big fortress in the south of hoenn. I lied. It actually begins in a nice, comfy apartment in littleroot town, the town that always eats ice cream with a fork. Oh, wait a sec, that’s supposed to be the town that always stays true to its roots. Stupid glasses. Anyway, a small band of nincompoops who called themselves ‘team censored’. Were having a meeting. It’s censored because it’s rude. And vulgar. And something else I forgot. Let’s have a look at what they’re doing. Team censored wanted to…dunno. You can find out yourself. The ‘meeting’ was more like a party. The grunts were busy dancing to 70’s disco music. Two admins were talking. One said: “hey, do you think this plan to take over the world is gonna work-“the admin was interrupted by the hi-tech device on his wrist. “VERY CLICHÉ-SHUT UP!” it shouted. “I’m gonna get rid of this cliché-o-meter very soon.” The admin said. The other admin said: “I think this plan of yours is gonna work smoothly. After all, we’ve got mutated pokemon, we’ve got robots, heck, we’ve even got Kirby! What could stop us?” “Small ten year old kids, that’s what.” The other admin said. The cliché-o-meter on the admin’s wrist said: “EXTREMLY CLICHÉ-YOU SUCK!” oh yeah, they had Kirby. He was trapped in a tiny cage hanging from the roof. When a team censored grunt walked by, he would say: “po poyo poyo!” which translates to: “I hate you!” he also shot beams at them. Suddenly a bell rang. A man and a mutated ho-oh stepped onto a platform high above the grunts and admins. “People of team censored, I’m your new leader, mopface! Please, don’t make any jokes about my name!” the man who called himself mopface said. Suddenly, the door opened. The grunts, admins, mutated pokemon, mopface, and Kirby looked to see who it was. It was the landlord! Every team censored member ganged up on him because they didn’t want him to see what they were doing. Kirby shot a jet of flames at two metal bars in his gage, and they melted. “Po poyo!” which translates to “I’m free!” he quietly sneaked out of the apartment.

thanks for reading, constructive critism please!

Zerodius
31st January 2006, 10:22 PM
Before I make an actual review...

ACTUAL FICS GO IN THE FANFICTION FORUM, PREVIEWS IN THE AUTHOR CAFE FORUM.

If this is the final version... then post it in the Fanfiction forum.

Klaus
1st February 2006, 3:39 AM
um.....ok.....well, first I didn't understand it one bit. There wasn't any
description and if this is a fic then it should go in the fic section, but i'm afraid that if these doesn't shaped up then it will be closed.


As always, be kind to the mime.

Dragonfree
2nd February 2006, 2:25 AM
I won't move it until it's been made clear whether this was supposed to be a preview of some sort or an actual fic...

Zerodius
2nd February 2006, 2:42 AM
Well, I'm going to give you an actual review now.

Which translates to: you have attempted to make a funny fic and have failed miserably.

Now, for some things... NO ONE LIKES BIG BLOCKS OF TEXTS! Make paragraphs or else!

Also, the random use of mutated Legendary Pokemon and the random Kirby cameo (you used the Anime version! You PHAIL!) was kinda weird... and the remark "We have mutated Pokemon, robots, even Kirby! What could stop us?" "Small ten year old kids, that’s what." was actually funny... but the Cliche-o-meter actually spoil the joke.

My advice:

-Spaces, anyone?
-Details, anyone?
-Cliche-o-meter = not funny

The fic COULD be funny... in fact, although your fic is very poorly written, I have seen some funny jokes in there... so it's not the problem is not the basic plot being worthless but you lacking experience.

I know that people must have drilled it into your head like a cerebral bore by now but... read the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread. Also, use a spell-check program (Microsoft Word is your friend) and get someone to proof-read it.

Complete all that and you may obtain a fic that won't be hammered into the ground by critics and, who knows? You might even make a fic that people will like.

In short, you have potential... don't waste it.