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sokia
3rd February 2006, 3:25 AM
Sokia: This is my first fan fic. Also you might notice that some of the characters do not have a very good description so pleas try to use your imagination and fill in the blanks. later enjoy. And also there is no prologue cause not all books have one. And the beginning might be a little bad


Chapter one: The Death


In yakasomi there was this family who lived in the sea nation. Where merchants from all around would come and barter their goods. And deep in the wood where no one really goes there lived a family of four. Chicksawoe, the father who was very big buffed and strong. He had also served in the king’s army at one time. Takarie, the mother and also one of the most beautiful women in Yakasomei. And Ganatsue one of their sons. But the final son Chingsingwa who was now 21 was a very demonic and evil man. He would spend his time getting into trouble and setting death traps to kill cute furry animals. Aw poor cute furry animal. Oh well back to the story. But his secret was that he would also go to a sacred temple. Where their Evil monks of shinkara would train Chingsingwa in the demon art of shoedalamaka. The demon art of hell.


So one day when his little brother was eight he went to speak with his father. And chingsingwa said in a slow and deep voice “father one day I am going to rule Yakasomi and you will be aside me. And if you don’t you will suffer a painful slow death. Where you will watch about all u have slip out of your hands and be lost forever. So your choices are now at hand. Join and help me rule Yakasomei, or become my enemy and suffer your death.


So his father Chicksawoe said “for you I will never join your evil spit of crap . Then Chingsingwa said, “Now you must die.” His mother took little Ganatsue to a safer place when his father and brother engaged into a forceful battle. As they began chingsingwa attacked his father from the top with much force and then kicking his father back as a did a back flip. Then his father did the same hoping he will block from the top so he would kick his gut. He blocked from the top. Chingsingwa had his hair flipped back and then his father jumped in the air and stabbed the ground with great force shaking the ground as Chingsingwa had just diapered. His father had sweat dripping down hiss face and his hair was very untamed. So he let his guard down and to check on his family. And they were all right; they were in the basement in a corner. And when Chicksawoe let his guard down Chingsingwa reappeared and stabbed him in the back.
As he fell down he saw his life flashing before his own eyes and then it came to this moment where he had a vision and saw Yakasomei coming to an end and all of his loved ones dead. He saw the empire in darkness. The great tower covered in clouds with a great sorcerer at the top doing evil magic. Then he had a sudden shock and he was dead, his blood spilt everywhere and no one even got to here about the vision. As chingsingwa said, you were no challenge old man.

So then his mother Takarie shouted Chicksawoe! And went out to him. Then she took up her husband’s sword and fought. But she died when her first stroke fell. Chingsingwa attacked her and she had blocked. But Chingsingwa said you shouldn’t of done that no you are going to join my father. Right in the pit of HELL! And then he killed her leaving Ganatsue all alone. All of his parents were dead. No one was left to watch him grow older and learn to become a strong warrior in the great kings army.

Then when Chingsingwa made sure of his parent’s death he was going to kill Ganatsue when in all of a sudden his father’s brother Zekah had came and he said in a deep voice “I am ashamed of you Chingsingwa. You have killed your own parents and also attempt to try and kill your own brother. So it that is the case I must eliminate you so you my harm no one else.” So then Zekah drew his sword and with a loud scream he attacked Chingsingwa. So another battle begun of the day and Ganatsue was scared to lose another member of his family to his demonic older brother. Chingsingwa attacked Zekah from his head with great force trying to push him away. But Zekah was smarter than that; he had counter attacked him with a simple move. And Chingsingwa was too sacred to die at that moment so he ran in great fear to the temple where he was learning shoedalamaka. When he got to the temple a whole gathering of monks greeted him and in a loud voice he said “its time” and started to laugh evilly. Where he went up to the alter and the monks surrounded him. And on their knees they kept on bowing as he read in demon language. The lights kept on flashing on and the ground was shaking vigorously.

After there was silence and dead warriors from the past had rose from the dead. They were from all nations of Yakasomei. There were thousands all in and outside the temple. And now he was ready to have his war to conquer Yaksomei.They looked just like they were still alive and some were very old. But yet their armor looked like new, and they looked like they had just gotten ready for a battle. And Chingsingwa had seen that their was more than he expected . He was to powerful and people with power are also to scared to lose it. Then soon he will relies that he has a lot to lose now. Once he has conquered Yakasomei


People sorry for the delay but i am made a mistake writeing chapter 2
so that will be 3 and 2 is coming soon

sokia
3rd February 2006, 3:45 AM
HI people ice syther and renegade i am back an i have edited alot of stuff in my new story/old
and i have gotten a little better. and its crap i cant stop writing poetryyyyyyyyyyyyy ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i neeed helllppp

Zathire
3rd February 2006, 5:19 AM
Help do you want?

Well I see I few things you could improve with your style.

First of all you need to split it into more paragraphs and your writing should sound less listed. People will have a hard time memorising something that crams too much too fast into their heads.

There's also a fair amount of gramatical and spelling errors, that take away the flow.

Personally I think you've got an idea for what's happening your just describing it too directly to have as much of an impact. I could quote your whole story and show you how I would change it but I don't want to take up all the space or leave a history of what your story was before on this forum. If you want, I have a writing forum and would be willing to work with your story there, then when your done, you could edit this one.

If your intrested the website's in my profile information.

sokia
3rd February 2006, 8:02 PM
thanks i,ll work on thoes and am wiling to work on it to make i better

Ice_Scyther
4th February 2006, 1:08 PM
Well, I rated it at school, but you wanted me to rate it on here.

Zathire made many good points, like grammar.

You still need some description, just try to add some in. It's better then the last time.

So, yeah, work on that stuff

Grade: C-

Exel 4.0
5th February 2006, 3:44 AM
HI people ice syther and renegade i am back an i have edited alot of stuff in my new story/old
and i have gotten a little better. and its crap i cant stop writing poetryyyyyyyyyyyyy ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh i neeed helllppp

thanks i,ll work on thoes and am wiling to work on it to make i better

There were a few things that I noticed were wrong right off the bat, so I didn't bother reading through all of it before telling you your problems. For starters, and this really is a big problem, bad grammar. I noticed about three words in the first paragraph that needed to be capitalized! Plus, all of it needs to be split into more paragraphs.

The quotes are up there to give you a tip about grammar and spelling. If you're going to write, then use it in all of your posts and not just your story.

Delphina
20th May 2006, 3:43 PM
Fairly good for a first.
Some tips:


to kill cute furry animals. Aw poor cute furry animal. Oh well back to the story. But his secret
Try not to deviate from the plot.


about all u have slip out
Short hand doesn't look that good. It's OK for planning but not when you're writing properly - try to break the habit


Right in the pit of HELL!
Capital letters are unnecessary for the whole word. An ! would do.


he said “its time” and
Alway's start speech with a capital letter and finish it with punctuation such as ,.! before the closing speech marks. Also, if the person isn't the person who spoke last, always press ENTER before starting to write what he says


family who lived in the sea nation
A bit more description would improve it. Maybe something saying what the "sea nation" looked like or the atmosphere in it?


In yakasomi there was this family who lived in the sea nation.
Nouns - place and people names - always start with a capital letter so yakasomi and sea nation should both have capital letters at the beginning

Apart from that, a pretty good story and I look forward to forthcoming chapters!