View Full Version : Retribution (heavily rewritten) Preview

5th February 2006, 4:44 AM
Some of you may remember the last few times that I posted Retribution on here...Well, since I completed the fic right before it, Operation: Celebi, I thought that it would be good to rewrite the whole thing (again, lol).

I remember that Saffire missed the stick/rocks from the original version, so I put that in. I also kept the Asfiriath. In fact, it'll be a big part of the preview. The preview is three pages long. I'm about six pages into Chapter one, which will be about half of Chapter one in the older version, due to copmlaints from Saff.

Keep in mind that this is only the opening sequence, and that there will be a lot more.


I was lost. No two ways about it. As I looked over the trees in the forest, their tall trunks standing firm, their green leaves softly fluttering in the slight breeze, and the ferns and other flora that served as underbrush, I knew it in my heart. I could hear the chattering of Sentrets, the mid-afternoon cry of Hoot hoots and the chirps of Pidgeys in the otherwise still air, the growling of my stomach—I’d been lost in the forest for just under a week, and had been out of water and food for half that time—my heart was beating so loudly that I figured that every Pokemon in a mile radius could hear it. Logically, I knew this couldn’t be true, but logic and I hadn’t been on the very best of terms lately, and those terms were getting worse and worse every day.

I was lost and I was scared—I knew this combination was a recipe for disaster, but I couldn’t help it. I had lost my whole family, my friends, and now even my home to war! I liked the outdoors more than most of my family, when they were alive, but now if I never again entered a forest, it would be too soon. Screw that, it would be fine with me if I never even saw a forest again!

Who am I? A very fair question. I hope my answer is good enough. My family had never been much for adventures, and for the most part I hadn’t either. We lived in Viridian City, and we liked it because as far back as anyone in the family could remember, we have always lived here. That, and we own—owned the Pokemart there and all the tourists, trainers, and people for the major airport in Kanto set us up pretty well financially. For most of the first ten years of my life, I had been studying to be Professor Oak’s aide, and was just about to ask him if I could take his test when he suggested that I go on a Pokemon journey. He knew that I wanted to be a researcher, and told me that I would get valuable insights on Pokemon if I went on a journey that I wouldn’t get otherwise. He told me that watching Pokemon interaction would probably be the basis for my future research. Someday, I plan to be a professor as prominent as Oak. I’m eligible for college, if there were any left in Kanto, and know more than most kids my age about battle strategies, famous battles in history, and battle techniques. Those subjects were my driving passion in school, and have been the subject for several hypotheses I have made on new attacks that could possibly be formed. Because of the small fact that I have no Pokemon, however, I have no opportunities to test them out. However, I now see why Oak wanted me to go on a journey, and what he meant by valuable experience. That’s why I’m off to Johto, so I can get a team and test my hypotheses. Someday I’ll have my own lab, and I’ll churn out new techniques like nobody’s business.

I’m about average for my age in about every way except for my battle knowledge, red hair, brown eyes, and a craving for adventure that can only be filled by a Pokemon adventure, which most kids who are fifteen have already had, or at least started. Thus the trip to Johto. The only things I have are what I had with me before my house blew up. A set of jeans, a black shirt, and a red vest, plus the one Pokeball I’d saved most of my money for five years for. It only cost me two thousand dollars (I caught a sale)! I also had my survival notebook—the one I had filled with notes during the survival classes that were mandatory before the invasion (You know, the classes where almost everyone else was goofing off or sleeping?). I had only one thing more, and it was my most prized possession. It was a Pokedex, taken from Professor Oak’s lab just hours before it was burned to the ground.

I had been one of his favorite sidekicks, and I had come to his lab nearly every day, soaking up as much knowledge about Pokemon that I could. And that knowledge was being put to good use, now. I had managed to avoid over a dozen Pokemon because of the training. But I still had a long way to go before I got to Johto.

I shifted the club I had in my hand to my left hand and adjusted the Bandolier I had gotten at a prize at some fair several years before the invasion, and that I now used to keep the rocks to throw at small Pokemon in. For most small Pokemon, that would be enough to shoo them away, hopefully. For the larger ones....that was what the club—rather a sturdy branch I'd picked up somewhere along the way—was for.

From behind me, there was the noise of something crashing through the woods. I whirled around, tossing the club back to my right hand, and waited. By the sound of it, there wasn't much more than two things coming through the woods towards me. I swallowed. I wasn't much of a warrior.

Then it was upon me. A small, green form shot out of the brush in front of me, and darted behind me. I had just enough time to glance back and see that it was an Asfiriath and back in front of me before the Poochyena slowed to a stop in front of me. I knew what the tiny equine was from my time studying at Oak's lab—not many of them are still around.

Originally from Sintaur, the country of the horse Pokemon Masters, I knew, Asfiriath were the devolution of Asgiliath, which were more the size of horses as almost everyone thought of them. Asfiriath, by comparison, were generally taller than a Growlithe. This one was smaller even, so it was obviously a very young Pokemon. The vines that formed its mane and tail were shaking violently, obviously scared. The leaf-like hairs of its coat were marred with a yellowish blood, and I could tell that it had barely escaped the Poochyena.

Before the Engaran invasion, it would have been inconceivable to see one of them running around. But during the invasion, I knew, many Pokemon that were otherwise largely domesticated were let loose by the Engarans, to prevent an uprising against them. These Pokemon had met with others of their own species, and had begun repopulating the forests around Kanto—forests that had largely been decimated by the atttacking force.

For the first several years after the invasion, all Pokeballs were forbidden to private use throughout the country. It was only within the last several months that Pokeballs and other trainer aids such as Potions were once again being sold, but at prices far greater than they had been before the invasion. This would have made many people fortunes if the Engarans hadn't confiscated their stocks of trainer aids immediately after the invasion.

The Poochyena—jet-black canines known for their ferocity, bullying other Pokemon, and fangs disproportionally large to its body. The dark types' tails bristled, the hair making them seem twice as big as they normally were. After the initial shock of seeing them, time seemed to slow down. The adrenaline roaring through my veins yelled at me to run after seeing the fangs. But then reason took back over.

Poochytena, I recalled, were definitely bullies. Anything smaller—or sometimes bigger—than them were fair game. They remained bullies because their prey stayed terrified of them. But if one were to fight back against them, they would run. I shifted my club to my left hand and reached for the bandolier and picked out a rock. I threw it at the left-most Poochyena and swung clumsily for the second with the club.

I heard a yelp from the Poochyena I had hit with a rock, and heard it turn and run. The other Poochyena, this one a good deal larger than its now hastily-retreating fellow, backed up several steps, flattened itself against the ground, and began to growl.

For a second, I had no idea what was going on, but something about the Poochyena's movements was familiar. I couldn't quite remember what it was. I switched the club back to my right hand, and waited for the Poochyena to make a move. It was something that I definitely would regret for a long time.

It was nothing at first, but then a light began to come from the growling Poochyena. At first I ignored it, and waited for it to move. Then the light began to grow brighter and brighter, until it took the familiar luminescence of a Pokemon evolution.

Then, with a sinking stomach, I remembered where I recognized the behavior of the Poochyena in front of me. It was the warning symbols of a Mightyena attack. Mightyena were far more powerful than Poochyena. They retained the caricaturishly large jaws, and most of their black coat, but they also received a silverish-grey streak of fur running from underneath their neck, widening until it covered the whole of its underbody, save for black “socks” covering its feet and about half of its legs. But, what worried me more than this, Mightyena were notoriously vicious Pokemon, and most never let up an attack, once begun.

My face turned white and turned around and started to run, Asfiriath several feet in front of me. I may have been able to fend off a tiny little Poochyena, but there was no way that I would be able to fend off a Mightyena.

Then something landed on my back, knocking me forward, my head jarring into Asfiriath. I heard the tiny horse squeal as I was surrounded by a bright light. I could feel the Mightyena's paws, digging into my back. I could feel its putrid breath against the back of my neck. I rolled over, and it yelped as it slipped. I could feel it clawing for traction, its nails clawing through my already-thin shirt and ripping into my skin. I screamed, and the Mightyena darted away. I sat up and looked around. The Mightyena was barely a yard away, watching me carefully, the light of its evolution only now slowly fading.

I knew that I had only one chance. I whipped my club around, and pointed it at the dog Pokemon. To my horror, I saw that I had broken it in my fall, and had been split into two pieces. I watched, as if in some horrible, twisted nightmare, as the piece of bark that had been keeping the two pieces together snapped, and the other piece—the larger piece, I noted with horror—flew towards the Mightyena and slammed into its face.

The Mightyena roared in fury, and leaped onto me. It landed on my chest, its claws tearing through my shirt and into my skin. I acted instinctively, and bucked my legs up, my stomach and chest following. The action threw the Mightyena over my head, using its own momentum against it. I heard it land, snarl, and whip itself around. I was rolling to the side, reaching for the rocks in their pouches across my chest. I had almost gotten one free when it landed in the dirt in the direction was rolling. I looked up at it, and it looked down at me. Our eyes locked for a split second.

Then it was reaching down, going for my throat. I raised an arm to fend it off, and its jaws closed around my arm. I screamed at the pain, and dimly felt my body writhing. All of my attention was on that arm, and the pain that the Mightyena was causing. It shook my arm like a rag doll, and I heard at least five more distinct cracks. It dropped my arm, and again lunged for my neck. I rolled to the side, but not fast enough.

Its teeth were now firmly closed around my right shoulder. It picked me up and threw me a short distance. I had no chance to see where I was going before my head hit the tree. I tried grabbing the tree for support, but my shoulder and my arm seemed to match my own voice in volume, both screaming out at the top of my and their lungs. I slid to the ground, exhausted, and turned my head back to the Mightyena.

The Mightyena was closing on me, its tongue licking my own blood off of its lips. My vision began to narrow. I saw five Poochyena appear behind the Mightyena, yellow blood staining their otherwise black fur. I felt my blood run cold. I had run across a Mightyena hunting party. It wasn't just the two Poochyena—or rather Poochyena and now this Mightyena. My eyelids began to droop, and I resisted the siren call of the blackness that was waiting in the wings to swallow me whole. Then they were on me, tearing at my body wherever they could get a hold in.

I heard a loud roar, and the six Pokemon flinched away from me as if shot. I saw a brightly-colored shape blurring its way across my vision—and then the blackness claimed me.


previous readers may be able to guess what the blur is.

I'm going to explain the invasion bit to those that haven't read the last chapters of Operation: Celebi (aka everyone, most likely), since it's going to be explained further on in Chapter 1.

Basically, a country called Engara invades Kanto. They were after Celebi, and there are more Celebi in Kanto than anywhere else in the world (there's one time-travelling Celebi, and a bunch of lesser, dimension-travelling Celebi. They were after the lesser Celebi). I know that wasn't explained well in the last fic, but it'll be explained more fully in this one.

The main part of the story is the main character, Tyco Sanders, joining a hidden, underground group of fredom fighters in a hidden cave called Rocket-Bane.

that's about the gist of the story. there'll be some plot twists though, don't worry.

Saffire Persian
5th February 2006, 5:04 AM

You just made my day with this one line in the whole preview:

I shifted the club I had in my hand to my left hand and adjusted the Bandolier I had gotten at a prize at some fair several years before the invasion, and that I now used to keep the rocks to throw at small Pokemon in. For most small Pokemon, that would be enough to shoo them away, hopefully. For the larger ones....that was what the club—rather a sturdy branch I'd picked up somewhere along the way—was for.

Oh - and this:
I shifted my club to my left hand and reached for the bandolier and picked out a rock. I threw it at the left-most Poochyena and swung clumsily for the second with the club.

I do, however, miss the torch idea. Still, I am very much satisfied with this preview - it's better than your past two revisions that I've scene. Hitting a Poochyena with a rock then having it evolve was genius - and I laughed because I still remember how dumb this guy used to be.

And you can only read so far about a human battling a Mightyena with a club without smiling a Cheshire-cat like smile at the sheer idea.

And I do agree with Poochyena being bullies - especially when they're in packs, though I think they would turn tail and run at the site of a bigger creature, as they are only about a foot high 0_o... I love those things. XD

Still, the whole scene was amusing.. even though in the end, it didn't turn out well for him. And I'm happy to have a more concrete idea of what an Asfiriath. Nice job.

5th February 2006, 6:08 AM
heh...I thought you'd like the rocks/stick.

and actually, it was the Poochyena that he was attacking with the stick that evolved...

and as for the torch thing....

since you were the one that made me put the stick/rocks back in, I may just have him mention using a stick or two as a torch while he was traveling at night.

btw, this is instead of having Slate come upon him in the woods instead of the *alarm system*

I think that it makes a bit more sense.

and as for the concrete view thing....I'm going to be tryign to describe every single Pokemon specie that he comes in contact with in detail (at least the detail I gave the Asfiriath) when he first comes in contact with 'em. That may turn some people off, but that way, even non-Pokefans would be able to read it and visualize stuff perfectly

EDIT: update: I have finished Chapter 1, and will probably post it when I get home from uni. I'm about to start on Chapter 2 now.