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View Full Version : The banshee: series one :)



pisces_beedrill
7th February 2006, 3:02 PM
allo people. okay, i have a very powerful story idea, with magic, wizards, tribes, that sorta thing, empires. anyway, here is a quick preview of the prologue:

<Stand still> he hissed mentally. He was tall, graceful and completely covered. There was nothing that could help anyone recognise him.The black cloak he had on showed nothing, not his shape, it made him straight, no curves, no slants, straight. He had a hood on which hid his face. His sleeves were too long for his hands to be seen. The only thing not hidden about him was his height. He never spoke, he just sent mental messages. Those who have ever heard him speak are either extremely close to him, or about to die.

that is just the 1st paragraph, hope you like it. tell me whether i should go ahead wit it and anything u wanna see in the story.

-pisces_beedrill ;015;

katiekitten
7th February 2006, 3:39 PM
It's good pisces, although some of the sentences are a little choppy. The thing is, it is too short for me to have any idea what the plot is like. Maybe post the whole first chapter, so we have an idea?

Guitar dude bill
7th February 2006, 7:05 PM
I noticed one word wasn't spaced properly, which makes me fear that you're gonna go back to your old sloppy writing. It sounds cool though. PM me when it's up.

Psychic
7th February 2006, 7:16 PM
We can't really comment on what we think. Firstly, you didn't explain enough about this new world (being vague as usual).
Second, that isn't much of a preview. All it did was describe a man, and it wasn't even well-writen. And there's no reason to put it in spoiler tags; we wouldn't have clicked here in the first place if we didn't want to find out about the fic.

Anyhow, as mentioned, the description was poor, but at least you included description at all (an improvement, at least, and OMIGAWD a Macargo is flying over my head).
I'll just point out a few things in the description.


<Stand still> he hissed mentally.
That doesn't make much sense. Elaborate in what way he was 'hissing mentally'. If you mean he is speaking using thoughts, then specify the *insert character here* could hear the voice in his/her mind.




He was tall, graceful and completely covered.
o.O In what way was he graceful?
This was a bad sentence to start with. In a sentence, you should talk only about his height, only about how he was graceful, or only how he was covered (and with what).




The black cloak he had on showed nothing, not his shape, it made him straight, no curves, no slants, straight.
Change the first comma to a semi-colon, change the second comma to a period. Add the word 'look' before 'straight', because he can't actually BE 'straight', whatever you mean by that. Change the last comma to a dash.




The only thing not hidden about him was his height.
Horribly sentence. Should be worded differently so it makes sense and is more specific.




He never spoke, he just sent mental messages.
Elaborate on this. How does he have this power? Why? What is he that he has this power- and alien?



To sum up, work on it. The idea sounds all right, but it's hard to tell when you're not specific and barely even give a brief overview of the world. This man needs to be developed further- the idea of him sounds all right (but nothing original and creative, because these dark characters are so many in number) but you need to work on the reasoning behind him- the how, why, what and even when.


Just put more thought into it before you actually post it.

~Psychic

pisces_beedrill
8th February 2006, 10:33 AM
okay, lemme begin with replying to guitare bill dude

don't worry, i was tryping that here to see if u people will like it before i type on ms word andd get all errors out.

psychic i will elaborate on what you said.

katiekitten i haven't written the 1st chap only the prologue