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View Full Version : Revising My Fic, Need Help



MondoTR
8th February 2006, 6:36 PM
Last year I posted my fic, Mikey's Kanto Journey, here (again) and got quite a bit of good constructive criticism to improve the chapters I had posted. Unfortunately I waited until now to finally revise what I have so far and my fic has been pruned so I can't go back and see what was suggested. So I decided to make this thread. I'll only post the first chapter for now and hope to get ideas on how to improve it.


Chapter One: The Start of a Journey

As thirteen year old Mikey Volution walked to Pallet Town to get his Pokedex from the world famous Professor Samuel Oak, he thought about why he was becoming an official Pokemon trainer. He didn’t really care if he became a Pokemon master or not, but travelling around earning badges and battling in competitions while seeing the world seemed like a fun thing to do.

He then thought of his brothers and the advice they had given him before he had left. Pyro had encouraged him to at least evolve one of the Pokemon he would catch. Rainer had said that he hoped he would catch a lot of water Pokemon. And Sparky explained that they all knew that he was going to be a great trainer because he had gotten a lot stronger since his first battle.

“Eevee, vee” Mikey looked down to see Eevee gazing at some buildings. Mikey was surprised; he had been so deep in thought that he hadn’t realized he had already reached Pallet. He saw Professor Oak’s lab so he headed towards it. When he got there he rang the doorbell.

“Coming!” suddenly the door was open by a guy with greenish black hair. “You must be Mikey. I’m Tracey Sketchit, Professor Oak’s assistant. Come on in.” They walked up into the building and up the stairs to see Professor Oak working on his computer. He turned around when he heard them come in.

“Hello, Mikey. You have impeccable timing. I just put the final touches on you Pokedex.” as he said this Professor Oak took the Pokedex out of the computer and gave it as well as five Pokeballs to Mikey. “Well since you already have a Pokemon, I believe you are all set to start your journey. But if I may ask, why are you starting now instead of when you were ten?”

“As you may know, many people get their evolution stones from Stone Town.” Mikey started explaining while remembering why he had decided to travel. “While they are there they tell my brothers and me about their journeys. Those stories have always fascinated me and a few months ago I decided I wanted to travel around so I would have some stories to tell.”

“Well, I think that is a wonderful reason to travel around! Most people who want to get badges and compete in the league competitions want to be Pokemon Masters. Its nice to hear a different reason for wanting to travel around earning badges.” Professor Oak was happy to finally see a trainer with out a big ego. “Well, I hope you have fun on your journey. Good luck!”
Please don't say it needs more description and length as I already know this and plan to work on it. Also, do you think this works better as a first chapter or a prologue?

And any suggestions for a new title? Mikey's Kanto Journey works but is a little bland.

I might repost my fic but first I want to revise the current chapters so they're better. Any help would be appreciated.

Seiryu
9th February 2006, 12:05 AM
Well, since you asked us not to, I won't comment on the description. So...

Now, I know a number of people recommend against beginning a sentence with words such as "and," but I don't personally see what the problem is so long as it's not in a formal piece of writing (which fanfiction usually isn't). So I didn't really spot any glaring typographical errors. Lucky you. =p

As for the content...well, it seems like you're planning a journeyfic for the character Mikey from the anime. Remember that the journeyfic has been done so many times and often so badly that most people won't give it a second look. There's nothing wrong with doing this, though, even if you don't have some insane plot built in; it's not about the content, it's about the execution. I myself would like to see at least some sort of conflict, but it doesn't have to be the kind of thing where the fate of the world hangs in the balance; in fact, you might be better off if it didn't. xp

Also, about how many years after the start of the anime does this take place? I seem to remember Mikey as being a little bit shy and only maybe eight or nine years old, but nothing's to say that that hasn't changed in recent years. However, in my opinion, the kid seems to sound a little bit...sophisticated for being thirteen years old. And even if he didn't keep his shy demeanor, who wouldn't be nervous about (presumably) meeting the one of the world's leading authorities on pokémon for the first time? Remember that having a character react believably toward a given situation really adds to the experience for the readers.

Unfortunately, I can't really help you on the title. See, titles are one thing that I particularly suck at. XD I mean, it took me a full few months to finally decide on a halfway decent title for one of my fics! So I'm really not the person to ask when it comes to things like this. xp

Anyways, good luck on this. I'll try to keep myself updated!