View Full Version : A Mini-Journey

16th June 2006, 3:50 AM
*~Chapter 1~*
.:: May’s Balloon::.

“WAHHH!” cried a girl under the Old Oak Tree.
“WAAAHHH!!” the girl kept whining.
People passed by, but they only stared at the girl and just went on their way.
That is until a boy went trotting by. He was a boy with white hair, wearing a bandana with a Pokeball on it, a red short-sleeve shirt, a pair of shorts, a tin for holding bugs, and a net.

He asked, “Hey girl, what’s the matter?”
“(Sniff) My... balloon...(Sniff)it’s caught by the branches WAY up there...(Sniff)” the girl muttered.
“Hmm.... Looks really high...” the boy said looking at the balloon. “Hey, do you want me to get that balloon for you?”
The girl’s eyes widened. “ Can you (sniff) really do that for me?” asked the girl, having very wide eyes.
“Sure, it’ll only take a second or two.” the boy replied
“Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” the girl shrieked in delight.

He was soon up the tree top only with his net with him. When he was at the branch where the balloon was, he tried to use his net to get it. But then he heard a snap. Then he noticed that the branch was falling apart! He quickly tried to get to a safe spot, but it was too late.
The boy landed straight on the girl. The boy quickly stood up and helped the girl to stand up.
Then they noticed the balloon floating away to the sky.
“NO! Wait, come back here!” shrieked the girl
Brendan tried to get the balloon using his net, but it just went higher and higher.

After they straightened up, the boy asked “Oh yeah, what’s your name?”
The girl looked up at him and said, “Umm, my name is May...”
“Mine is Brendan. Nice to meet you May.” Brendan said in a very polite manner.
“Yeah, nice to meet you too.” May said in a shy voice.
Then May looked at Brendan’s Knee. “Your knee, it’s bleeding!”
Brendan looked at his knee. It was bleeding, and harshly too.
“I guess I scraped my knee while trying to get the balloon.” said Brendan in a unsurprised voice.
“I’ll get my mom! Mom, mom!” she shouted.
“It’s okay, seriously it’s okay.” said Brendan trying to calm May done. But it only made May shout for her mom even worse.

Finally her mom came.
“What’s the matter dear?” May’s mom
“My friend,Brendan's knee is bleeding!” Shouted May
“It’s okay ma’m, it’s nothing serious.” Brendan said trying to calm done May.
May’s mother examined it closely. Then she finally said, “You’re right that it’s not something big, but it still needs treatment.”
“You follow me our picnic blanket. That’s where our First-Aid kit is at.”
They all followed May’s mom to the Picnic Area.
When they reached the Picnic Area they settled done on the blanket.

“Now, where is that bottle...” May’s mother said while searching through the kit. “Aha, here it is!”
She got a wad of cotton and dipped it on to a some sort of liquid. “Brendan, try your best not to cry, k?” she said holding up the wad. She dabbed the wad on Brendan’s knee and waited for awhile. May could see it was stingy since Brendan was biting his lower lip and he was gripping his hands on his shorts. After the treatments, May’s mother closed it up with a band-aid with the writings POKEMON AIDS. “Now it’s all finished.” she finally announced with a sigh.
“Are you okay now?” May asked worried.
“I’m okay.” Brendan said also with a big sigh
“Why not you kids go and have fun?” May’s mom said.
“Yeah Brendan! Come on, there’s a play ground just over that hill!” May said excitedly since she has a new play mate now.
“O-Okay.” Brendan said with a smile trembling.
“Now run along, I have to set up lunch.” May’s mother said.
Both of them ran to the hill until Brendan said, “Oh, and thank you!”
Brendan could barely hear the “Your welcome!” from May’s mom.

This is my first Pokemon Fanfiction and I'm still learning the ways of grammar. Please rate and report to me if I gave any errors on the fic.
If I get enough people who like the fic and support it, then I'll continue.

If I do here's a sneak peak on the next chapter:
Brendan and May is gonna' see Wally.
That's all I'm gonna give.

Neko Godot
16th June 2006, 3:53 AM
You wrote this in the reply box, didn't you?
Anyway, it's still better than most of the first time fanfics around here. At least it had an actual conflict.

16th June 2006, 3:59 AM
No, I wrote it on Appleworks(This is a Apple computer) to see if it was a page or not.
So yeah.

16th June 2006, 4:31 AM
Hehe 'Pokemon AIDS'

How old are Brendan and May in this? They sound like they're about 7 or 8.

Also, you said 'done' insated of 'down' a lot. Other than that I didn't catch any grammar mistakes, but I'm not a huge grammar nitpick.

So far your stroy's original. If you stick the childhood of Brendan and May then this could be a pretty interestung fiction- but if you make this into a fic about their journeys, it'll probably end up cliche very quickly.

Keep workin' at it!

Yami Ryu
16th June 2006, 4:33 AM

I don't know wether to class this as a half assed attempt at a story, or a half assed attempt at script. Or worse. A half assed love child of both :/


... bet that cuts down on un protected sex :x

anyways nonsense aside.

This is bad. Barely any description of characters and the scenary about them. Flat characters too :/ and just well. Pathetic intro. A crying girl going ignored by passerby's untill a white haired guy (omg I wonder who >.>) comes up and miracles upon miracles, notices her!


I heavily suggest you read Advice for Aspiring Authors, as from what you say, you want to get better. So read that thread and take my advice. Work hard on the next chapter, and properly structure it.

16th June 2006, 4:34 AM
May lover, instead of just saying that, tell her why you think that way. -_-;

Well, you are right about you not knowing the rules of grammar.

If the ending punctuation for the dialogue is a full stop, you use a comma if it is followed by a dialogue tag. For example:

“Mine is Brendan. Nice to meet you May,” Brendan said in a very polite manner.

I took that right from your own chapter. I changed the full stop to a comma, which is bolded for easy reference.

In all the places where you have "(sniff)" while May is talking, you should instead say "She paused to sniff." Or at least something of that sort.

Oh, and always hit the Enter button twice to make a new paragraph. It'll make your fic look a lot like my review.

Characters: I don't know much about them. Though, due to prior knowledge of them, I figure that they are ten, as is where others and canon have put them. If this is the case, then they are acting well behind their years, what with May crying over a balloon. And if I'm wrong...well, this is why you need to say what age they are at. :/

Plot: A balloon gets stuck in a tree. Boy goes to get balloon, falls out of tree, gets hurt, cries like a baby. It's not much of a plot, but it does contain the basic elements of a plot: rise, climax, fall. In other words: beginning, middle, end.

Grammar: Really, just what I told you before. You also need more desciption of the scenery and characters. Sure, you described Brendan, but that was only physically. All else that we know is that he's a boy. That's a wide range of ages, from four-ish to twelve.

And there you go. That's all I can think of in my tired mind.

16th June 2006, 5:37 AM
Thanks for all the crits and comments!
And yes they're like 6-ish 7-ish.
I knew something was wrong with the dones...
I'll ask my sister for grammar lessons. Literaly.
This chapter was VERY short since my head wasn't working well...
I'll check Advice for Aspiring Authors one more time for my next chapter.
I'll get the next one chapter more descriptve and such.
Until tomorow~(I guess..)