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Endoplasmic Reticulum
17th June 2006, 1:31 AM
Hello everyone. This is the second fan-fiction written by my brother, Crobatconey. If you read his story "The Pokemon Tales of Good and Evil" you would know that he failed misrebly at it. Hopfully, this fan-fiction will be better since he has improved. He also this time had "4th Generation Master", who wrote the amazing and succeful story "Brendan's Pokemon Diary" edit it. Well this is it and please tell me if this fan-fic is good or bad.


The Coordinating Tales of Benny


Chapter 1: A new beginning, a new life!


Benny was still sleeping when he heard his mom shouting at him. “Benny wake up, you are going to be late to get your first Pokemon!” Benny quickly got up and got dressed into an orange jacket and brown pants. He put his red cap on his grass green hair and he went downstairs.

“I don’t even want to go get a Pokemon!” shouted Benny.

“Well too bad, it’s traditional,” responded his mom.

Benny ate his cereal, grumbled a few words to himself, left the house, slamming the door behind him.

The reason Benny did not want to become a Pokemon trainer was because of the region he lived in. Benny lived in a new discovered region called Samo. Samo was so new, that they have not built any gyms or contests. There was not even any new Pokemon! All his family ever did was collecting some Pokemon and show them off. Benny found no point to this, thus not liking Samo.

“Who needs Pokemon,” complained Benny, “I certainly don’t! Ha, I don’t even think anyone needs them!”

Benny was so occupied with his complaining he didn’t seem to notice he went right into the wilderness. Benny walked right by a bush when he heard a rustling noise. Suddenly, he got sprayed by water and then a Poliwag came out of the bush. The Poliwag jumped into his face and started double slapping Benny hard. Benny fell to the floor and right as he was about to black out, an old man jumped in the way “Go Salamence...” Benny then blacked out.

Benny awakened with a startling shout. “Calm down will ya? What were you thinking of walking in the wilderness like that without a Pokemon? You could have died! You are lucky I caught that Poliwag for you,” said the old man.

Benny was in a sleeping bag right in front of a lake. The sky was black as dusk. In front of Benny was a blazing hot fire with an old man with a white hat and a blue jacket behind it.

“Who... who are you?” asked Benny. “I am Drake, sailor of the seven seas,” replied the man.
“You mean you are the famous dragon tamer of the Hoenn elite four?” Benny asked shockingly.
“No, well not anymore,” replied Drake sadly.
“What happened?” questioned Benny.

“Well it all started along time ago. You see sometimes I take a vacation from the elite four for a few weeks. I once had so much fun sailing I lost track of time. I sailed for a few months, when I got a phone call. It was from Wallace, the boss of the elite four. Wallace said that I had been away for so long that he decided to fire me. I was so upset from my stupidity that I decided to not return to Hoenn. I left the country on my boat and got shipwrecked here. I noticed that there were no gyms here, so I decided to make my own league. I was searching for people to become gym leaders when I saw a Poliwag. I decided to catch it when it ran away into the bushes. I then peeked my head into the bushes when I saw it attacking you. I then quickly sent out my Salamence and fainted the Poliwag. I then quickly caught the Poliwag, but now I realized I don’t need the Poliwag so you can have it.”

“Thank you for your hospitality, Drake. I want to go home now but I don’t know where it is. Can you please tell me?” asked Benny.
“Oh, okay. All you have to do is follow the lake until you get to a brown path. Follow the brown path and it will take you to your town,” explained Drake.

Ben then quickly got out of the sleeping bag and headed home.
__________________________________________________ __________________________________________________ ___

Well that's it and I will write the next chapter after I get a review if it is good or bad.

Yami Ryu
17th June 2006, 2:13 AM
Benny was still sleeping when he heard his mom shouting at him. “Benny wake up, you are going to be late to get your first Pokemon!” Benny quickly got up and got dressed into an orange jacket and brown pants. He put his red cap on his grass green hair and he went downstairs.

Wow he speed changed, and woke up from one pestering shout from his mom? Did he change while she was there? Or did she shout from outside his room? And how did she know he woke up and was even getting dressed? And this is a bit cliche, being late for a pokemon :/ this seems to mean Benny is a person that's not a morning person, meaning he would not have gotten out of bed so quickly.


“I don’t even want to go get a Pokemon!” shouted Benny.

“Well too bad, it’s traditional,” responded his mom.

So once more with the shouting. Benny could have whined it out. Or Benny said in an exasperated tone or etc. And His mom reacted so calmly to being shouted at? And traditional to get a pokemon? Why, for all things good, would a mother force a child to do something, or just give a lame excuse like that. Even my mother tried better than that when I was younger, to try and get me to go along with something :/


Benny ate his cereal, grumbled a few words to himself, left the house, slamming the door behind him.

So Benny magically had cereal in his hands, talked with his mouth full, and left the house, with his cereal and slamned the door shut behind him. Amazing seeing his hands were full.


The reason Benny did not want to become a Pokemon trainer was because of the region he lived in. Benny lived in a new discovered region called Samo. Samo was so new, that they have not built any gyms or contests. There was not even any new Pokemon! All his family ever did was collecting some Pokemon and show them off. Benny found no point to this, thus not liking Samo.

Samo? A new region called Samo? ... well not only is that unoriginal .. new region fics have been done to death nearly. If it is so new, why are people becoming trainers there? Why are there people even there? If there are people there, if there are trainers there, there should be the beginings of something. I mean even Orre had a gym in the making :/


“Who needs Pokemon,” complained Benny, “I certainly don’t! Ha, I don’t even think anyone needs them!”

Benny was so occupied with his complaining he didn’t seem to notice he went right into the wilderness. Benny walked right by a bush when he heard a rustling noise. Suddenly, he got sprayed by water and then a Poliwag came out of the bush. The Poliwag jumped into his face and started double slapping Benny hard. Benny fell to the floor and right as he was about to black out, an old man jumped in the way “Go Salamence...” Benny then blacked out.

.... a Poliwag. Ok, I can understand if it was like a Poliwrath or something very dangerous. But you could punt a Poliwag with a single, and swift kick of a foot. And if he's outside it's ground not floor :/ also, how could he suddenly go from 'safety' to 'wilderness', I would assume that there's a large ammount of 'safe zone' space around the 'town' or whatever. And I doubt the Poliwag would attack for no reason. This sounds alot like the game intro, with a wild pokemon warning from Prof. Oak. And god, the Poliwag was so strong RANDOM OLD MAN had to come and save the kid, using a Salamence.

...

well we know the Salamence probably got a free lunch.

Ok I can't force myself to read anymore. Benny, is flat, bland and well. Un-realistic. If he doesn't want to be a pokemon trainer, he doesn't have to be. He can go and do something else, or have sulked about.

If he can space out so badly, and get into a ... stressed, life threatening situation. He doesn't need to be a trainer. If random old dude has to save him, well yeah. He really doesn't need to be one, get my drift?

:/ you need to put more effort into this, and maybe read some other fics, or read the Advice thread. And clean up your grammar too.

Astinus
17th June 2006, 3:43 AM
Your grammar actually isn't bad. And when I popped this into Microsoft Word, the only words spelled wrong were "Benny" and a few Pokémon names. So that right there is a plus. Sure, there were a few very small problems that only a nit-picker would point out, but...alas...

So, I'll just head into the rest of my review.

Characters: Benny is a kid. He doesn't want to get a Pokémon for some reason that's not all too...good? He's not really developed yet. All that we know about him is a few details of his physical body, and...that's really it. To allow for his traits to come out, make him have a personality. Give him a general personality, like stubborn, and then have him act that way. (I'm not real good at explaining things. Sorry.) As for Drake, I don't know whether to cringe because you randomly inserted an Elite member, or to just shrug it off. He seems in character because you had him prefer sailing more than battling, but he seems out of character for forgetting his Elite duties.

Plot: I'm not liking the region of Samo. It doesn't make that much sense to me. Why would they have kids becoming trainers if there was no need of it? Tradition, while a good reason, really isn't that good. It also doesn't make for an interesting Original Trainer plotline if there are no gyms, contest halls, or...anything. I'm not sure how you are going to turn what I see here in the first chapter into a long fic. I'm going to wait and see, though.

Other: To me, it's not really all that interesting. Nothing really reaches out and grabs me. Sorry. :/ See if you can get other reviews to help you out. What I said up there really is all I can say until I see more.

Endoplasmic Reticulum
17th June 2006, 3:57 AM
you guys will see more. The first chapter aint all that great because it is... a first chapter. Don't worry, my brother already has a scheme to get rid of Samo. Most of the fic does not even take place in Samo. Thanks for your advice guys my brother will improve on the next chapter.