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View Full Version : A Looming Twilight



PsychoKadabra
17th June 2006, 7:34 PM
This is a fanfic I've written in my spare time. It takes place in all the Pokemon regions, and in the far future. The government of the Pokemon world has collapsed, and a sinister dictator has taken over. Only a few free-thinking humans and Pokemon remain, but even they are dwindling. I have given the legendary Pokemon genders because it gets confusing to be using the pronoun "it" all the time. This is the first chapter; I'll be posting the story chapter by chapter because it's quite long when you put it all together. Here it is:
Chapter 1 : The Rebel
Mew awoke to see a glittering mass of sea water surrounding her. Safely inside an airfilled bubble, Mew was free to explore anywhere in the Pokemon world she pleased. This morning, she had slept in the ocean near Cianwood City in Johto.

She floated lazily about, savoring the silence and tranquility of the ocean, which was broken only by the occasional rare fish pokemon. After fully opening her eyes and getting used to the ocean's dim light, Mew's eyes caught the dark sillouhette of a large bird-like Pokemon gliding noiselessly through the water.

The Pokemon was Lugia, a Psychic-Flying type. Lugia, due to her size, had to navigate carefully through the waters, in order to avoid human poachers. Although she had the power to control storms and create gargantuan whirlpools, Lugia only used the power as a last resort to protect herself and loved ones.

Ever since the collapse of the democracy and the takeover of the totalitarian dictator, Morte, most people hunted Pokemon instead of training them or befriending them. The only ones who did not submit to the authority of Morte were soon executed. Most humans were now brainwashed slaves of a neverending dictatorship.

The former legendary trainers of the time, such as Red, Silver, and Brendan were also all brainwashed by an unknown force. They were the Admins of the dictatorship, and their cruelty knew no ends. Fortunately, the Gym Leaders and former Champions of the Pokemon League from every region had created a secret alliance barely known to the empire of Morte. The goal of the organization was to gather all information posslible about how Morte and his minions controlled the many people and Pokemon.

To humans, it seemed as if the existence of Pokemon was a mere myth, if they even had the minds to contemplate that query. The smartest members of the Pokemon population were the only survivors (a kind of harsh natural selection), and were safely hidden away from humans by the Gym Leaders. The only exceptions were the legendary Pokemon, most of whom would fight at all costs to defend their world's freedom.

Morte's most powerful Admin was Red, formerly one of the greatest trainers in history. When his beloved Pikachu suddenly disappeared in the middle of the night and never returned, Red fell into a deep despair. He was then tricked by Morte; the dictator spun whimsical fantasies about how he could make Red all-powerful. Red had beleived him, and fell hook, line, and sinker to Morte's sinister plot. It was said that Red was so devastated by the loss of his Pikachu that he discreetly asked an unknown scientist, supposedly one of the workers who had brought Mewtwo into existence, to completely eliminate all emotion from his body. Red then became a cold, unfeeling puppet of Morte, a shell of the soul he once was.

Mew had only seen Red once, and that was in the great battle against her now very close brother Mewtwo. Red had been only ten years old then, and had still attempted to stop the bloody battle between the Pokemon and the clones. He had nobly sacrificed himself to save the Pokemon, and was revived by the tears of those whom he had saved. Mew had not even had a glimpse of him since that fateful day.

Mew now floated over to Lugia, and was surprised to see a small figure swimming with the currently motionless psychic Pokemon. She approached more tentatively, for fear that Lugia had been caught by Morte. As Mew drew closer, however, she could see that it was only Misty, a Gym leader. She floated over faster now, to greet Lugia and Misty.

All three were delighted to see eachother, but then Misty broke the happy chatter by telling of a mysterious trainer that had been seen. The trainer was not a member of the Gym Leaders, but also did not wera the standard grey uniform of the people of the Pokemon world. Misty said that she had seen the mysterious girl riding a magnificent silvery green bird. It seemed to be a Pokemon, but Misty had not been able to identify the species.

The girl seemed to be on the Gym Leaders' side, but had never contacted them. However, she had spread much rebellios talk among the citizens of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Orre, Shinou, and a remote unknown region called Luneo. Even the far away Sevii Islands had heard of the fearless rebel.

Misty suspected, however, that the girl would soon be executed is she didn't go into hiding as the Gym Leaders had. But the girl didn't seem to be afraid of anything to do with Morte. She just traveled about the land on her beautiful bird, ranting to different towns about the cruelty with which Morte had treated the people and Pokemon of the world.

It was unknown if the rebel girl had any Pokemon other than the silvery green bird, but the bird seemed powerful enough for six Pokemon in itself. The girl claimed the bird to be from a distant, unheard of region called Luneo. She did not say where she herself was from, however. That remained but a mystery.

After a while of discussion, Misty left to meet up with the other Gym Leaders. Mew and Lugia then floated in silence, not sure what to make of these strange tidings. Little did the know, they were being watched.


Chapter 2 : Secrets Revealed
Brendan, fully adorned in swimmers' gear, stifled a snicker. This just showed how stupid Pokemon really were. He had silently floated, unseen, in the gret mass of seaweed that he sat in now, all night to track the whereabouts of the blasted bird, Lugia.

Finally, at about three in the morning, the wretched bird had fallen peacefully asleep. Then, Brendan, the genius that he was (Except for Morte, of course), had crept surreptitiously over to the creature and bugged it. Now every word it spoke, even telepathically, was recorded for future use of Morte.

The conversation of the minutes before would prove quite valuable to Morte. Perhaps the great unseen lord would consider promoting Brendan. he had never seen his master, but that was perfectly all right. Morte didn't often speak to anyone other than Red, an dhe sure wouldn't expose his glorious self to a lowly admin such as Brendan.

But there was also the matter of the girl to consider. Morte would be pleased to hear about the Gym Leaders, but not about a meddling rebel unafraid of his carefully constructed society. People like the girl and the Gym Leaders were vermin who Morte called "Free Thinkers". Most citizens of the dictatorship did not create their own ideas, but lived by the many strict laws. The standard idea of life was "Don't think, do." There was a nationwide dress code, food code, speech code, and every other set of rules you could ever think of. That is, if you could even think at all.

Only the Admins such as himself were allowed any free rein in regard to thought, as the last remaining humans when Morte first gained power had had their genes altered to completely prevent thought. They were mindless drones, and Morte wanted it to stay that way.

The Gym Leaders were the only non-altered humans left. They had gone into hiding long before Morte ever gained power. Supposedly, theearly warning had been a psychic one, seen by the Gym Leaders Tate, Liza, and Sabrina. They still remained scattered throughout the world, plotting unthinkable acts of treason.

Brandan had been one of the ultimately blessed. Being one of the strongest trainers at the time, he had been inducted into the organization and stripped of his Pokemon. He didn't remember anything before his "rebirth", as Morte called it, as a disciple of the all-powerful Morte.

Despite his wonderful good fortune, however, he had been constantly haunted by one of the admins that he had been reborn with. Her name was May, and he seemed to know her from somewhere other than regime of Morte. Brendan could hardly bear to be in the same room with her, for a strange ache started up in his heart. He sometimes saw glimpses of what he though was his past when he looked at her, but then he remembered- Morte was his past, present, and futue. He had always been working for Morte, and always would be.

Brendan hit himself, a punishment for being lost in thought. He must never think of May. It distracted him from his duty, and made him question the true authority of Morte. The horror of even those few treasonous thoughts!

He reached for his belt, and pressed the button that enabled him to instantly teleport to the HQ of Morte. Then he saw sudden sparks, and electric shock passed through him. He collapsed, still floating aimlessly in the deep sea.

Chapter 3 : Tears of an Enemy
Mew said goodbye to Lugia and floated up out of the water. Still in a bubble, Mew breathed only pure oxygen. Otherwise, the polluted ait of the Pokemon world would have killed her instantly. Pokemon all traveled around in forcefields these days. The only reasons humans could survive is because Morte had altered their genes so drastically. Humans had gradually evolved to ignore the harsh toxic air. Mew didn't know how they could stand it, but she was grateful to be a Pokemon, free of all restrictions by the government.

Mew rendered herself invisible, and floated down to the town square of Cianwood. Someone appeared to be making a speech, standing on top of a bunch of empty vitamin crates. These "vitamins", as Morte called them, were supposed to nourish you , but Mew suspected that they were meant to hinder humans' ability to think even more.

As Mew drew closer, she could see that it was girl standing on the improvised soapbox, talking to the people of the town. Could this be the mystery girl that Misty had told her about? She stopped moving and started to listen to what the girl had to say.

Rhia was the girl's name, and she ranted on and on about the cruelty of Morte's extensive empire. She told of an untainted region called Luneo, a remote island in the Pokemon world. Mew had never heard a human speak out so passionately against the horrors of Morte's regime. It almost seemed like Rhia really believed that Morte could be vanquished once and for all.

Suddenly, two gruff-looking men in grey uniforms similar to the citizens', but with feathered hats (Mew had no idea what the feathers were for) started to threaten Rhia. They claimed that Rhia was brainwashing the citizens with her "rebellious propaganda". The people stared blankly at Rhia and the men, not moving. The men lunged at Rhia with a poorly made net, but she gracefully leapt out of the way of the attack and up onto one of the roofs of the houses.

Standing there, she closed her eyes as if meditating. An awe-inspiring bird suddenly appeared by her side, its feathers gleaming in what was left of the sunlight. Rhia clambered onto its back and soared away just as the men managed to reach the roof. One man swore under his breath, while the other cursed the girl in the name of the great lord Morte.

As if they were machines, the citizens jerkily moved away from the crates and returned to their previous business. Mew wondered what horrible ordeal these innocent people had to go through to make them so blank, so lifeless, so unfeeling.

Very faintly, the sound of muffled sobbing reached Mew's ears. She followed the cound until she found, to her utter astonishment, one of the Admins of Morte curled up on a rock, seemingly in pain. Still invisible, Mew slowly floated toward the sobbing figure. It showed how cruel Morte was when Mew saw that the Admin was a boy of only fourteen years old. He was dressed only in diving gear, and seemed to be genuinely crying. Still, it could be a trap. Mew decided to see if she could obain any information. She then transformed into a citizen, grey uniform and all. She cringed in disgust, loathing the awkward body of a human.

Mew gently touched the boy's face, brushing off a tear. He shuddered, seeming to be in some sort of madness. Synchronizing her mind with his, Mew saw glimpses and flashes of a distant land, seemingly Hoenn. Then she was a girl the boy's age, with brown hair and a red bandanna. The boy suddenly gasped, and returned to the stern, ruthless state of an Admin. He screamed at Mew to leave him, and Mew faded form view, becoming invisible once more.

The boy, perhaps considering Mew's fade into the air a mirage, rubbed his eyes and stood up. He seemed to be utterly exhausted, but still trudged onward, muttering how he always must be loyal to Morte.

It amazed Mew about how much power Morte must have to make these considerably good Pokemon trainers bow down to him. She felt a pang of pity for this sorrowful group of brainwashed children. Rhia was right. Pokemon and people should not be treated as slaves, as utter vermin. Mew was suddenly filled with rage at this abominable totalitarian ruler. With that thought, she left Johto and went to seek the advice of those in Hoenn. Maybe Latias and Latios would help.


This is not the end of the story, I will edit it later and finish it.

Hell Hath No Fury
17th June 2006, 10:29 PM
the legendary Pokemon, most of whom would fight at all costs to defend their world's freedom.
who

Red had beleived him,
believed


Most humans were now brainwashed slaves of a neverending dictatorship.
Either never ending or never-ending. Take your pick, but it isn't one word.

The goal of the organization was to gather all information posslible about how Morte and his minions controlled the many people and Pokemon.
possible

All three were delighted to see eachother, but then Misty broke
each other

. Safely inside an airfilled bubble, Mew
air filled

Mew's eyes caught the dark sillouhette of a
silhouette


, but also did not wera the standard grey uniform
wear

This story has good potential, it is very interesting with the whole idea of the slavery issue. However next time, plug it in to a writing program and do some spell check to make it a bit smoother. I'll keep reading and good luck! ^.^

*Hell

PsychoKadabra
21st June 2006, 12:11 AM
Ok, thanks for noticing things that didn't stand out to me! I'll be posting more soon!

PsychoKadabra
30th June 2006, 7:36 PM
Here are the next three chapters!

Chapter 4 : Treason and Loyalty

Blue sat waiting for Red. He tapped his foot impatiently, although he knew it would do no good. He had seen the girl again, Rhia was her name, and wanted to inform Red as soon as possible.
Suddenly, the door slammed open. Red stately, yet unfeelingly, strode out and sat down next to Blue. Red mumbled something about how one of Morte’s Admins, kept diverting off task.

Blue explained to him that he had seen the girl come to Viridian City to protest the upcoming demolition of the forest Rhia’s silver bird had surrounded the area with a green force-field, and no one could get through it. Red’s face darkened with the news, and he looked even more sinister than usual. He asked Blue if he had attacked the girl, and Blue shamefully admitted that he hadn’t. It was the strangest thing. Blue had just stared at the girl, knowing he should do something, but he just stood there, frozen and gaping. The whole day had been quite weird, as he had been dwelling on a dream he had had the night before.

In the dream, he was ten or so years old, battling a wild Pokemon in front of an old man. He had called the old man “Grandpa”. The word didn’t raise any recognition in his mind, but every time he thought it, the word brought back a stir of emotion that he had never felt before.
Blue suddenly jerked back to reality, and realized Red was speaking to him. Red continued talking, telling Blue the usual speech about how Morte was the only ruler, and that all rebels must be killed. Especially the girl, Rhia. Blue’s face blanched at the name, and Red glanced at him suspiciously. Blue quickly babbled out a half-hearted excuse about how even hearing the name was horrible and that he could not stand this utter treason. Red thereby commanded him to tail the girl wherever she may go, and to destroy her as soon as possible. He gave Blue a dart with a capsule of lethal poison sealed away inside it, and told him to save it for Rhia.

Red then demanded that Blue go to Hoenn, where Rhia had been sighted last, and to begin his search. Blue nodded wearily, and then teleported to the location that Red had programmed into the transporter. Blue knew that killing Rhia was a benefit to the empire, but he didn’t know why it felt so wrong. Ever since he could remember, he had been told that Morte was the one, the only, important thing in life and must always be obeyed. Yet there was a nagging sense of doubt in Blue’s mind that had caused him to commit even small acts of treason, such as questioning, even for an instant, Morte’s authority. Even thinking this was a punishable crime. But the doubt had now permanently established a place in his mind, and would not leave.

Blue shook himself, and strode out of the transporter. He shuddered, and closed his eyes for a brief moment. Hoenn was probably the most polluted region of the four, and most like a wasteland. If Pokemon still existed, Grimer and Muk would be the main inhabitants of the poisoned land, to be certain. This place, once one of the most lush regions of Hoenn, was now covered in sludge. Farther ahead, he saw a glimmer of green. Blue stared stupidly at it for a moment, thinking it a mirage. After a few moments, his sluggish mind declared it real. But it seemed to be spreading! Blue saw flowers burst into bloom in front of him, and trees regain their legendary emerald color that had not been seen in Hoenn for ages. Blue ran toward where the nucleus of the green was spreading. He stopped in his tracks, seeing the thing that he had least expected. It was Rhia and that strange bird, radiating waves of green light. He suddenly heard footsteps behind him, and whirled around.

Red's gruff voice shot out at Blue from behind him, commanding him to kill Rhia. Red screamed in rage at the blooming and prospering of the life before him, but did not know why he had been filled with such an awful anger. Blue gave an involuntary shudder; he had not expected his leader to follow him. Red screamed at him to do the deed and do it now! Blue tried to protest, but Red grabbed him from behind. The last thing Blue saw was Rhia, who was rushing toward the Admins on her magnificent bird, and the poison dart that pierced her skin when Red did the deed Blue knew he could not do. Then all went black.

Chapter 5 : Sky Battle, Sea Healing

Mew swirled through time and space until she found the niche in the space-time comtinuum that was the isle of Altomare. As the landscape materialized around her, Mew sighed with relief. Thankfully, Morte's blight that he had set upon the land had not tainter this remote island. People still bustled around town sheerily, sailing in boats along the river-streets. The rosy flesh and bright colored clothing of the Altomare people soothed Mew, being the opposite of Morte's corpselike grey people. Rivers of water streamed through the city, making it seem like a Venice in Hoenn.

Mew wove her way through the busy streets, invisible, until she reached the magical courtyard that housed the portal to where Latios and Latias resided. She spotted Latias perched up in a tree, and rushed to meet her. Latias seemed quite surprised to see Mew, but called her brother over just the same. It was then that Mew noticed the faded color of her own once-vivid fur compared to the two other Pokemon. Her fur, once a vibrant pink, was now a faded greyish white, and had lost its once shining luster. Mew slowly lowered her forcefield, and its light gradually diminished.

The first gulp of real air tasted almost sweet, a crisp and cool feeling. Pure oxygen could only do so much for a Pokemon. Mew hoped to stay as long as possible, dreading the return to the land of Morte. Mew then told tidings of Rhia, and how Morte's land fared. Latios and Latias closed their eyes sadly at the news. Mew shared with them images of the wastelands projected withing their minds, and the two dragon Pokemon cringed in horror.

Then a strange thought came to Mew. Where was Rayquaza? Surely the great emerald serpent would not stand for the horrid conditions of Hoenn. Nearly all the legendary Pokemon had launched some sort of attack on Morte and his Admins; even Mew had fought against the Admin Green. But Rayquaza had not been seen at all. Mew shared these disconcerting thought with Latios and Latias.

Latios then spoke. He told of a great battle at the Sky Pillar between Rayquaza and Morte. The reclusive dictator had come out of his solitude and had prepared to capture the green dragon of the sky, though his reasons were unknown. The battle had raged for days, completely leveling the tower and nearby Pacifidlog Town. Enraged at the loss of his beautiful sanctuary in the clouds, Rayquaza had set Morte aflame with emerald fire. No matter what Morte could do , the fire and agony would stay with him forever as a constant reminder of the inextinguishable rage of Rayquaza.

Morte then, in turn, launched a mass of freezing shadowed ice that enveloped Rayquaza in a raging storm of poisoned hail. In a last attempt to escape the infernal blizzard, Rayquaza unleashed a desperate blast of pristine white, blinding fire. As the ice melted, Morte's fire burned ever on, torturing him into even greater madness. The great mass of flaming shadow fled, cursing his luck.

Rayquaza, meanwhile, weakened greatly by the piercing shards of black ice that even then still embedded them selves into his scales, plunged into the sea and lost conciousness. He lay there, unmoving, until one of the few Pokemon left in the sea summoned Kyogre to the fallen dragon. The great sea Pokemon, Kyogre, had looked upon Rayquaza with the utmost despair. She tried with all her might to revive Rayquaza, but achieved only a little with her efforts. Rayquaza opened his eyes and was brought back to conciousness, staring at Kyogre with the deepest gratitude reflected in his eyes. Kyogre then helped Rayquaza into her lair, and disappeared from sight. Latios has heard no tidings of the two since then.

Mew was amazed that Latios knew so much, despite the fact that he and his sister had a safe sanctuary so far away from where Morte resided. Latios then offered Altomare as a safe place for Mew to flee to if need be, and told her to dispatch the same offer to the other legendary Pokemon, so that a council may be held. Mew agreed, and put on a forcefield once again to prepare to leave. She took one last gulp of the sweet Altomare air, and then closed her air bubble completely.

Mew waved goodbye to the two red and blue dragon Pokemon, and then slipped into the gap in the time-space continuum. It was peaceful, yet utterly chaotic, in this place where the fabrics of time and space met. Mew found the niche that led to Johto, and then floated through it, dreading the prospect of the horrors beyond.

Chapter 6 : Two Minds are More Controlling Than One

Blue awoke to see Rhia, of all people, standing over him. He jolted out of his stupor with fright, afraid for an instant that she was going to kill him. But then Blue saw her sparkling green eyes, which did not hold hostility within their gleaming depths. She blanched with surprised to see him awake, but then a sort of half smile crossed her grave face. Blue asked where he was, but recieved no answer. Rhia's friendly mood suddenly changed into a more stately, grave one. She warned Blue in a frigid, icy tone, that if he even attempted to escape, her bird would not hesitate to take his life. Then she smiled once again and offered him a large plate of berries to restore his strength.

Such delicacies! Blue had never palated anything of the like. The standard food of Morte gave only energy and nutrition, and not taste. He had long ago learned to forget taste, and other superfluous things as such. Then a sudden thought struck his mind vio lently. What of the poison dart? How could Rhia have possibly survived? He distinctly remembered seeing the dart pierce her flesh the day before. Blue asked this of Rhia, and was pleased, in a strange treasonous way, to know that the bird (who was named Mystao) had easily healed her nearly fatal wound. Much like a phoenix Mystao was, in that she had superb healing powers. No flames occupied any area of her powers, however, for Mystao's natural energy was of the Earth and all things living.

After Blue finished off the rest of the delectable berried, a strange feeling sttled into his mind. Doubt, perhaps? He had started to dread the return to Morte. Blue ran over these thoughts in his head, shocked. What had come over him? Of all the treason he had committed just by thinking this...it was inexcusable.

Rhia suddenly took Blue's hand, and announced that she was dropping him off at Luneo to recuperate. What did she mean, recuperate? Blue was perfectly fine, except for thouse few treasonous thoughts that occasionally crossed his mind. Still deep in his heart, he did not want to go back to Morte just yet. Blue told this to Rhia, and she nodded knowingly, saying that he was recovering slowly but surely. Then Blue realized what Rhia's real intentions were. How dare she make him give up his allegiance to Morte? She was trying to turn him into some kind of blasted rebel! Well, not today!

Blue wrenched his hand out of Rhia's slackened grasp, and started to run toward the door. Then he suddenly froze unwillingly. Some unseen force held him in place, so that he could not move a muscle. Then Mystao and Rhia stepped in front of him, a fierce glare in both sets of eyes. Rhia said one word in the most deadly, icy calm that Blue had ever heard.

NO.

The silence rang in Blue's ears. Rhia and Mystao walked out the door, and dragged Blue along in his floating stupor. Although Blue's body was chained, his mind was not. He begged in his mind to speak to Morte, pleading with all his heart and soul. Suddenly, a booming voice that sounded lower than the bottom of a black hole resounded in his brain. It was so terribly loud that it made Blue shudder.

WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?

Blue stated his dilemma, terrified out of his wits. He told of Rhia, Luneo, and Mystao.

MYSTAO?!?

Blue then told of the bird's extraordinary healing powers, and then stopped himself. Master Morte knew all this, having had a cataclysmic battle with th ebird eons before. Why hadn't he realized that this was the Mystao, not just some random green bird? It was that trickster Rhia's charm that had distracted him. Blue begged for forgiveness.

WHY SHOULD I FORGIVE ONE THAT HAS ULTIMATELY BETRAYED ME?

There was a pause. Blue prayed that he could be spared from this horrible fate of treason.

VERY WELL. I SHALL SEND ANOTHER TWO ADMINS TO DESTROY THE GIRL, MYSTAO, AND LUNEO. BE WARNED, HOWEVER. IS ANY WORD REACHES ME OF YOUR TREASON, YOU WILL PAY DEARLY. FAREWELL.

Blue felt Morte's presence vanish from his mind, the great ruler's terrible voice still echoing in his head. Then, so weak from the encounter, he gave up all struggles to get free from the psychic hold.

It was then that he realized he was flying. Mystao was supporting Rhia on her back, with Blue floating speedily behind. He passed through clouds like he was a bird, gleefully soaring, rejoicing in the new day. A sudden euphoria engulfed his mind, and Blue floated along in utter bliss. Oh, to fly...

Meanwhile, a great mass of shadow watched these proceedings in his mind, green flames still burning ever on. First that green dragon nearly kills him, and now this? At least Red would always remain loyal. That he had made sure of. Still, that everlasting green fire was nearly driving him mad...

Ok, that's the sixth chapter! I will post the seventh chapter soon!

Tezza
2nd July 2006, 9:53 AM
Looming Twilight~ Psychokadabra

Heyamate! Congrats on your new fic, now lets have a look.

My first tip is to avoid giving away a huge important chunk of information as an authors note. Imagine yourself in a movie theatre, waiting for the film to start when suddenly a voice over comes over the top “This takes place in all Pokemon regions…” Neither does this happen in a published book. You can get this information across with description and details inside the fic so we the reader fall smoothly into the story.

Imagine how you could get this information across, maybe describe a dark, dingy city, thunderclouds sulk, rumbling distantly showering it with dreary rain. What little sunlight that gets through the clouds is absorbed by the permanent shroud of smog that falls over the city. Then maybe directing attention to a billboard where a faded figure glares down, the dictator. Maybe then drift into the mind of an observer, perhaps Mew throwing out her psychic powers and absorbing information from the minds of humans, having her ponder the state of humanity. Its much more subtle and enjoyable than an authors note!

Your descriptions are good, clear to my minds eye and the emotion is as serene as you picture it. I love the description of lugia as gargantuan.

I wonder about just how democracy collapsed, will the details become clearer later on in the fic? I say this because of its convenience as a plot device where as if you describe how it’s more believable by the reader. Who is Morte? Where did he come from just how did he brainwash people? Are similar questions which could be compounded upon. I’m away there are any number of ways but I’d like to see how mew would come to know it.

Try avoid word repetition, such as brainwash. It makes sentences uncomfortable and gives variety. Rereading aloud picks this up as I find it again further down when referring to Misty and Lugia.

It’s probably not a good idea to fuse Red and Ash into one. Even though I’ve never read any of the manga I get the distinct feeling they’re very different. Still, its great you’re connecting this story to the cannon.

I’m very dubious of the introduction of this new trainer, if only because of how far she’s been talked up and is only a girl. I’d tread very carefully.

That’s a first chapter? It felt more like a prologue. I look on a chapter as being at least two thousand words with a conflict or problem to solve, otherwise what’s to keep the reader reading? Dialogue and information is all fine, but we need something stronger, perhaps combining it with the second chapter with a double spacing to indicate a scene change. 2000 words a chapter at least.

As for the second chapter, bugging a Pokemon is a new one on me. It just feels so… well, ridiculous… Like reducing Brendan to Jessie and James standard despite being described as a genius? What makes him a genius? Mayhaps describing the lengths he went to track down Lugia and Misty, or perhaps describing how he designed the bugging device would back up the claim, and getting rid of that snicker.

The idea of altering genes to prevent conscious thought is giving genes more credit then they should when a lobotomy would probably give the same results.

I really enjoy the idea of Brendan remembering May, it’s well described except for the over use of the word Morte. The familiar and the ache are subtle but telling.

Again another really short chapter with nothing really happening, descriptive and could be tacked onto the first.

Onto Chapter three, nice title. On the other hand breathing pure oxygen isn’t to be recommended and again more credit to genes then they’re worth. The food supliments on the other hand is a great way. Well thought.

I am surprised by the lack of dialogue. While often people are criticised for too much, I really don’t know what to think of none at all. At the introduction of Rhia would be the best time to start. That passionate speech, what is she saying, what is the crowds reaction? How old is she, what does she look like? More descriptions build on the movie in our head. Similarly with the bird, what shape are its wings, its head, its neck its talons, plumage patterns…

Again I’m still very dubious of Rhia, but considering we haven’t really met her yet I reserve too much judgement. Just remember to but in some flaws to balance out being one of the few free of programming, a legendary Pokemon, a famous reputation and being graceful. Give us something we can empathise with.

Love the descriptions of the citizens, that description fits so well in my mind with those blank, lobotomised faces, jerking movements…marvellous. Again, far too much repetition of the word ‘rebel’. Its like you’re pounding it into us with a hammer.

Summarising if ever you do a rewrite,


Reread to pick up more of those spelling errors and word repetition,

Try to work information subtly into the story.

Longer or combined chapters

Be wary of how you portray Rhia.


It’s a brilliant concept and you have come lovely imagery! I can see you improving a mile a minute!