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Nightcat
18th June 2006, 4:59 AM
Well, here's my first fic. Please review constructively and follow the other rules blah blah blah blah.
Please note that although there is only one swear in the first chapter, and no violence either, because I guarentee you, there will be. ;) >)

HOENN'S DOWNFALL

~*Prologue*~


Once, back before everything we know now was even thought of, there existed a terrible ruler. He purged the land of all people who opposed him, and no army could stand up to his terrible militia of killing monsters. The chaos and torture lasted for a century. Then a brave sorcerer cast a spell, with the help of some of his friends, that would seal this horrible dictator forever away, and bring a system of fair, even government to the world. The spell cost the sorcerer and some of his companions their lives. Thus came the pokémon. They were based on the evil rulers monsters, but more peaceful, friendly, and helpful to people.


The pokémon established people as leaders and let the people use them for friendly, non-deadly battles, which was possible because of the power of the spell that had started it all. Pokémon did have great power, however, and wouldn't like it if people turned on them or didn't use them as friends and companions, but as machines. The pokémon also elevated certain unique and powerful pokémon to higher ranks, which through the twist of folk lore and fables, became known as "Legendaries." The peace and prosperity lasted two millennia. Then when a new region called Hoenn was found, settled, and populated, it became even more successful, as it did with every new place discovered. Our story begins as a curious young boy, Zethyl, sets out on his pokémon journey.


Chapter 1: A Small Problem


Zethyl woke up groggily and quickly got dressed. He said good-bye to his parents, and set out into his home town, Rustboro City. He made a beeline to the house where a visiting pokémon professor was giving away pokémon to young aspiring children ready to start their pokémon adventures; there were limited pokémon, and Zethyl wanted to be one of the first ones there so he could have the best choice. As it turned out, a huge caravan of farming supplies, along with some security guards, blocked his path several times, making him more and more late.


"Damn!" he swore under his breath each time he was stopped in his tracks by the slow moving vehicles. He had always hated all the security measures that were set down; he knew that the number of reports concerning pokémon turning on trainers was growing, and the gravity of the situation was worsening, but he still despised them. When he finally got to the professors rented house, most of the children had already departed. On top of that, he had to wait in a line with the remaining youths. After about 15 minutes, he was, at last, given a choice of pokémon.


"Took long enough..." he muttered quietly. He was given a choice of three pokémon, or as they were being called, "starters." They were Pikachu, Bulbasaur, and Zubat. Right away he discounted Zubat; he hated bats. He thought about bulbasaur, but then refused it when he saw the bulb on its back, which he thought looked stupid. He then considered Pikachu for an extended amount of time, but eventually he turned it down. He had heard stories from many a person who had raised one that even when you evolved it with a mystical thunder stone, it still wasn't very powerful, and Zethyl wanted anything but pokémon that weren't super powerful. He began telling the professor about his thoughts on the starters he had been presented with, but before he could finish something half-hidden under the blanket that was covering the basket in which the professor had originally carried the pokémon in caught his eye, and low and behold it was one more shiny, red and white sphere used for holding pokémon.

"What's in there?" he asked, pointing at the ball. The professor looked surprised for a moment, then retained his usual calm demeanor.

"Why, good eye, son! That is another pokémon that I was planning to give away, but though better of it after I had left my home."

"Why did you decide not to give it away?" asked Zethyl, curious.

"Well, inside that pokéball that you see, there is a pokémon called Larvitar."

"What is so bad about it?"

"It," said the professor "evolves into an extremely powerful pokémon called Tyranitar. Tyranitar is so strong, it can topple mountains just to make its nest." Zethyls eyes grew wide as he heard the description of what sounded to him like the perfect pokémon. "It also has a very defensive and territorial attitude, and would probably accidentally kill or hurt an inexperienced trainer, because of its size and strength," the professor said.

"That is why I thought better of giving it to trainers that were only starting out," he explained.

"May I use Larvitar?" Zethyl asked, trying to hide his extreme eagerness.

"That depends." the professor said quietly. "Are you able to handle things of great power responsibly?"

"Yes!" said Zethyl.

"Do you swear not to treat this pokémon as a fighting machine, but as a living, breathing creature, and to be its true friend?"

"Yes, yes!" Zethyl said, although he may not have actually considered it, with his extreme desire to have this pokémon.

"Then it shall be done." said the professor, suddenly solemn. Zethyl was overjoyed, to the point of ecstasy. He barely managed to stutter, "Thank you! So, so much!" before he ran as fast as he could back home, to give his mother and father the news and the reason why he had taken so long. However, once again, he was blocked by several cumbersome caravans carrying pokéwheaties, a treat trainers were to give their pokémon to improve their strength and endurance. Zethyl mentally noted that he should buy some pokéwheaties once he got the money.

He was still highly annoyed about what he thought were "stupid, worthless" caravans, but he didn't feel it so much, because of his awe at his new pokémon. At the last crossroads before his house, he decided to take his new pokémon out of its ball just for a few minutes to see what it looked like and to pass the time. After he released it from its spherical home, he immediately noted how heavy it was, and how hard its skin was. "Its skin is like rock!" he thought. He loved how it was only about two feet tall, but looked powerful, felt powerful, and somehow gave off an aura of great inner strength that Zethyl could strongly feel.

As he waited with it sitting on his two hands (they were the only parts of his body strong enough to hold it up, and even then he struggled.), several passersby gazed at it with amazed faces. Zethyl smirked slightly. He loved being the center of attention. Then, out of the blue, it bit him! He howled in pain as hot blood ran down his left arm. After he tore off a piece of his shirt to wrap around the wound and stopped the bleeding, he examined the hurt skin. It had two half-centimeter deep gashes in it, side by side. He resolved that we would try to heed the professors words, and keep it happy so he wouldn't get hurt. He ran the rest of the way home.

When he showed his parents his new pokémon, they congratulated him, and told him that he would do well as a trainer with such a strong friend with him. When he showed them his arm injury, they gasped and started franticly asking questions like,

"Is it okay?" "Maybe we should take you to the doctor!" and other inquiries worried parents ask their offspring. When he finally got time to put an oar in, he said,

"I'm okay. Larvitar did this to me, quite unexpectedly. But I then decided that I would use the professors advice, and try to keep him happy so I won't get bitten again, or worse, once he evolves and gets more powerful. The family then hugged and kissed for a good amount of time. His mother hugged him and said,

"Oh, I can't believe you are actually starting your pokémon journey!" Then with one last wave good-bye, Zethyl departed down the road that led to Route 115, where he had heard of some good trainers that weren't too strong were waiting, and an interesting cave that was supposed to have some rare pokémon it it.

Well, the spacing is a little screwed up. Sorry!

~nightcat ;197;

Yami Ryu
18th June 2006, 5:10 AM
You know after flipping through ten skins, I ****ing give up in trying to read this outside of highlight. CONGRATULATIONS FOR BLINDING YOUR FIRST READER. Now, learn never to use color in fanfiction. Again.

Atleast not such BRIGHT. COLOR.

Meh, outside of being brightly colored, you squashed it together too, without properly paragraphing it and that makes my eyes bleed too. From what I can read, or atleast what little I can manage before my eyes hurt too much, I get a bland and boring fic.

I suggest you SPACE out the PARAGRAPHS. Get rid of the COLOR. Go read the RULES and the ADVICE THREAD FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS.

And maybe when I'm able to actually read it I can give a better review :/

Literate
18th June 2006, 5:12 AM
@-@ Well, first you can start with double entering paragraphs. You know.

Like this?

Next, you can leave the font color black, it hurts my eyes.

So yeah. Do those things then I'll give a more proper review.

~PEACE~

EDIT: o.O Yami Ryu, don't be that harsh. You scared me with those astericks...

Nightcat
18th June 2006, 5:18 AM
I made the color black now.
And the stupid thing wouldn't indent on the internet. >_<
I will divide it into paragraphs now.
WTF? It won't let me indent it, even with regular spaces! T_T
There, fixed.

~nightcat ;197;

Literate
18th June 2006, 5:55 AM
I made the color black now.
And the stupid thing wouldn't indent on the internet. >_<
I will divide it into paragraphs now.
WTF? It won't let me indent it, even with regular spaces! T_T
There, fixed.

It's like that. ^.^ My sister did that too. Don't worry. Now I can see if I can get any grammar mistakes.

"It," said the professor. "-evolves into an extremely powerful pokémon called Tyranitar. Tyranitar is so strong, it can topple mountains just to make its nest." Zethyls eyes grew wide as he heard the description of what sounded to him like the perfect pokémon. "It also has a very defensive and territorial attitude, and would probably accidentally kill or hurt an inexperienced trainer, because of its size and strength. That is why I thought better of giving it to trainers that were only starting out," he explained.
This can be one whole paragraph.

He barely managed to stutter, "Thank you! So, so much!" before he ran as fast as he could back home, to give his mother and father the news and the reason why he had taken so long.
Yeah, you need that comma. And you don't need the third comma.



>.> And I'll leave someone else to talk about the plot. Bye!

~PEACE~

Nightcat
18th June 2006, 6:05 AM
There. Grammer fixed.
Thanks!

~nightcat ;197;

Yami Ryu
18th June 2006, 6:33 AM
:/ well guess that means me.

The plot .. sounds like the Anime, to be honest. A Larvitar that acts nearly like Pikachu? And from what I assume from the dex, I thought Larvitar were shy/timid and it's Tyranitar's that can be agressive. But eh.

I just suggest you work on the plot to make it less cliche, or not give out hints Zethyl is going to treat the Larvitar badly and what, unleash doom upon everyone?

meh.

Edit: I also find it hard to believe a professor would hand over a pokemon of such possible and immense destruction to a newbie trainer. As he said a Tyranitar could hurt an inexperienced trainer. And if Charizard's reactions to Ash is any show of it ... I doubt any human could survive a flamethrower- let alone the Hyper Beam attack the Larvitar line can learn.

Astinus
18th June 2006, 7:07 AM
You should remember that in order to make a possesive, you add 's. You forget the apostrophe in cases.

Another word of advice that I would give you is to not reveal important pieces of the plot in narration. Like here:


Little did he know he would later change everyone in the worlds fate.


There's no real point in me reading on, if I already know that he is going to "change the world." You did it again, when you said that Zethyl would break his promise to the professor and treat Larvitar badly.

Characters: Zethyl bugs me for some reason. Probably because he takes one look at Bulbasaur, and decides that it is stupid because it has a bulb. It's shallow thinking, in my opinion.

You never named the professor, or the parents. Really let's me know that you are going to concentrate solely on Zethyl. His name is kind of iffy, but I won't comment on that.

Plot: Like Yami Ryu said, it seems just like the anime. Zethyl shows up late and gets a different Pokémon from the normal starters. You say that he lives in Hoenn, so I assumed that he would receive one of the normal starters of that region. Instead, you have different Pokémon, two of which reside outside of Hoenn, for no real reason. I also agree with Yami Ryu that it seems unlikely that the professor would just hand out a Pokémon that is too powerful enough for a new trainer to handle...to a new trainer. It doesn't make sense.

That's all, Literate covered the grammar, except for the showing possession part. So, I have nothing to add. Hope this helps you out.

By the way, nightcat, what skin are you using? I can never read your posts because of the blue font you use. Sorry, but it is true.

Nightcat
18th June 2006, 3:14 PM
I'll just add numbers to these:

1 You should remember that in order to make a possesive, you add 's. You forget the apostrophe in cases.

Another word of advice that I would give you is to not reveal important pieces of the plot in narration. Like here:



2 There's no real point in me reading on, if I already know that he is going to "change the world." You did it again, when you said that Zethyl would break his promise to the professor and treat Larvitar badly.

3 Characters: Zethyl bugs me for some reason. Probably because he takes one look at Bulbasaur, and decides that it is stupid because it has a bulb. It's shallow thinking, in my opinion.

4 You never named the professor, or the parents. Really let's me know that you are going to concentrate solely on Zethyl. His name is kind of iffy, but I won't comment on that.

5 Plot: Like Yami Ryu said, it seems just like the anime. Zethyl shows up late and gets a different Pokémon from the normal starters. You say that he lives in Hoenn, so I assumed that he would receive one of the normal starters of that region. Instead, you have different Pokémon, two of which reside outside of Hoenn, for no real reason. I also agree with Yami Ryu that it seems unlikely that the professor would just hand out a Pokémon that is too powerful enough for a new trainer to handle...to a new trainer. It doesn't make sense.

That's all, Literate covered the grammar, except for the showing possession part. So, I have nothing to add. Hope this helps you out.

By the way, nightcat, what skin are you using? I can never read your posts because of the blue font you use. Sorry, but it is true.

As you can see, i'm using black now.
I am using dragon.
But,
1. Really? Darn! I'll use that in the upcoming chapters.
2. I deleted that stuff now.
3. There's a reason for that. PM me if you want it.
4. Meh, those people weren't really important. Maybe if in later chapters he comes back, I will name them.
5. Ironically, I don't watch the anime. And there is also a reason the prof. would give him a larvitar. Again, PM me if you want it.
6. Thanks people, I'll be sure to take your advice for the following chapters.
EDIT: also about number 5, the professor isn't supposed to be from either of the three game regions. They don't know where he's from, but he definitely travels.

~nightcat ;197;

Deathborn_606
18th June 2006, 3:32 PM
I think how you could improve has been already pointed out. I'm slowly getting interseted in this storyline. To me you've got the paragraphs spaced out nicely and I'm eager to see how Zethyl will train a Larvitar.

Nightcat
18th June 2006, 7:18 PM
Thanx! ^.^
The next chapter should be up tomorrow or the next day, as long as I get the time. I will make sure to take everyone's advice!

~nightcat ;197;

ditto_luva
19th June 2006, 9:13 PM
I just noticed that the Prolouge is different than it was in the Email you sent me.

Nightcat
19th June 2006, 9:31 PM
Yes, I did some changes. The second chapter is up.

Chapter 2: A Very Unusal Occurrence


Zethyl looked back at his home town. He had been doing this for the whole time he had been traveling; soon it would be out of his view. After a while, he decided he shouldn't dawdle, got off the large rock he was on, and started walking toward what he could see of the horizon, which was the massive strip of ocean that flanked Route 115 to the west. He took Larvitar in his arms, careful to keep away from it's teeth, and departed.


Zethyl found traveling delightful. Every night he would play with Larvitar and watch it. He had noticed that it was quite timid; it always wanted to find sanctuary somewhere, even if it was just behind a rock. He also noted that if he came too close while it was resting or hiding, it would bare it's teeth and lash out at him. He wanted to know what gender it was, but he had no way of differentiating between male and female pokémon.


And so it was with every night, until he could see some rock ledges and trainers awaiting challenges ahead of them. He had been playing with Larvitar less and less; he was too excited and eager about the challenges that awaited him.


On their fourth day on the road, he was in sight of the trainers. He was so eager, he forgot to leave Larvitar alone when it was hiding, and had an extremely close call with it's ever-growing front incisors.


"Are you ready for your first battle?" he asked Larvitar excitedly. The pokémon nodded in it's little-but-powerful way. It was clear it was as eager as Zethyl was."

Then let's go!" said Zethyl.

They walked into plain sight of a trainer, a burly and fit-looking man, who said,
"You're a beginning trainer, aren't you?"


Zethyl nodded, but he was irritated at being called that, as he took it as an insult.

"I'm Ivan! And since you are now an official trainer, you must battle all trainers that see you!" Zethyl nodded again; he already knew that. Then, "I'll try to go a little easier on you then, kid!"

"Let's do it, Ivan!" shouted Zethyl.

Zethyl's heart was pounding in his chest. It was exhilarating even though no one had even attacked yet. The other trainer sent out a Meditite.


"Damn! I hope it doesn't know how to do any kicks or punches yet, because if it does Larvitar might be in great danger!" he thought. He told Larvitar to bite the Meditite anywhere possible.


However, to his displease, Meditite was faster. Larvitar looked like he was bracing himself for a blow, but none came. Instead, Meditite seated itself on the ground, closed it's eyes and began to meditate. A nearly-invisible aura of power surrounded it, as it focused it's mind on something, although he could not tell what, extremely strongly. Zethyl didn't like this. It looked a lot like the beginning of an highly destructive attack called focus punch. He realized that if it hit, Larvitar would faint for sure, and then he would have to venture all the way back to Rustboro and heal it at the Pokémon Center.

"Sh*t!" he muttered very, very quietly. He knew there was a way to stop the attack from working, but at the time when he needed it very, very badly, the answer eluded him. He paused for a long time to think about it. Eventually he decided that he would just go through with Larvitar's attack, and hope for the best.


He then commanded, "Larvitar! Bite that Meditite!" Zethyl saw the same fire burn in his pokémon's eyes that burns in a hungry wolf's eyes when it is close on the trail of it's prey. It utterly confirmed that Larvitar was a true fighter. Larvitar ran up to the Ivan's pokémon, who was still meditating, unaware of what was about to happen. Larvitar ran up rather quickly for a creature made of rock, and bit the meditating pokémon on the top of it's onion-like head. It immediately opened it's eyes and returned to awareness as the two large slashes in it's upper head oozed a strange blood that was more purple than human's crimson blood. The wounds quickly healed, though, due to the pokémon's inhuman traits. However, the attack did have a visual toll on the Meditite; it looked as if it had lost most of it's will and strength to battle. He congratulated Larvitar, who didn't seem to notice.


Zethyl suddenly remembered that the way to stop the focus punch attack from working was to hit the opponent's pokémon with an attack; he realized he had been lucky that he hadn't had Larvitar use a non-damaging move, like it's ability to summon a sandstorm.


He tried to tell Larvitar to use bite again to finish it off, but it acted like it hadn't even heard him. The Meditite attempted focus punch again in a last-ditch attempt to win. To Ivan's great surprise, it worked. Instead of biting Ivan's Meditite, Larvitar summoned a sandstorm to battle, which Zethyl knew would not damage Meditite until the next turn.


The meditating pokémon snapped to awareness and rushed at Larvitar at an amazing velocity, pulling it's arm back to prepare and aim it's deadly punch right at Larvitar's head. Then right as Zethyl was dreading his immanent defeat, Larvitar did an amazing thing. It threw back it's head, and looked as if it was bearing an immense burden, then released it's tension. As it did, at least a dozen large rocks fell from thin air and landed on the oncoming Meditite, crushing it in it's path and fainting it.


Ivan gaped at his downed companion, obviously amazed at what had just happened. It was slightly hard for Zethyl to believe too. He had always known that battles consisted of the participating pokémon taking turns attacking, to prevent a męlée from occurring. But his pokémon had actually I stopped I an attacking pokémon with something that he had not even known it could do.


"Larvitar must be special... I bet he can help me win against every trainer single-handedly!" he thought, a little too proud and arrogant of what he accomplished.


"That was amazing! In all my years I have never seen something like that! Congratulations, young trainer! You show some good promise. That was a fair win, so here you go—500 pokédollars." Ivan said. These compliments only fed to Zethyl's arrogance about his victory.


To be fair, Zethyl said, "You put up a good fight too. If it weren't for Larvitar accomplishing the unaccomplishable, you would have won for sure."


"Thank you! And good-bye, and good luck!" Ivan said as Zethyl left.


"Good-bye and good luck to you too!" called Zethyl over the roar of the adjacent ocean waves. He traveled in silent content for the rest of the day. When he finally stopped, he slept on the soft sand of the beach. Larvitar looked a little lonely and even sad that night, but he paid no mind of it, thinking it was just it's fatigue from the earlier battle.


"Good night, Larvitar," he said to it. But by the time he fell asleep, it was still gazing at him with some of the fire in it's eyes from the battle, but in addition it also looked as if it was contemplating something.

~nightcat ;197;

Glider
20th June 2006, 12:45 AM
I really like the story!
Where is Chapter 3?
I hope you make one!

Nightcat
20th June 2006, 12:51 AM
Thanks a lot!
Chapter three shall be up tomorrow or the next day.

~nightcat ;197;

Astinus
20th June 2006, 11:48 AM
It's not good when I yawn in a chapter.

I found this chapter boring. You should switch up your paragraphs a bit. What I mean is vary the length of your paragraphs and sentences. If all you have is just long blocks of paragraphs, it makes for a very tedious read. White space makes for an easier read. Don't have it all be blocks of text or lots of white space. Balance them out.

You also have a problem with it's/its. "It's" is the contraction of "it is." "Its" is the posessive.

I have an issue with Larvitar using the attack - I'm assuming here - Rock Slide. Larvitar don't know that attack until they reach level 22. Makes Larvitar out to be a "special" Pokemon. :/

I'm still undecided about this fic. I like it, but then again I don't. I don't know what to rate this as. Just keep writing so I can see.

Yami Ryu
20th June 2006, 2:38 PM
Hanako: Like Pikachu learning what, Thunderbolt in the first episode? And isn't Sandstorm a high level attack too? :/

Overall I'm with Hanako on this chapter. It's just. Blah. An overpowered Larvitar coughPikachucough, a trainer it what, hates? Pikachu hated Ash at first :/ and well that turns me off. Also, doesn't Larvitar have a gender? Or is it truely an it? IE genderless?

To me this chapter was just flat, and overall bland. You did well writing the battle scene .. but Zethyl just seems to be the cliched arrogant damian/ash esque trainer from the anime. And if the Professor couldn't see this coming from a mile away he should be shot, as for I said, no newbie trainer would be able to handle a `Tar, even with a promise.

Nightcat
20th June 2006, 6:22 PM
Hanako: Like Pikachu learning what, Thunderbolt in the first episode? And isn't Sandstorm a high level attack too? :/

Overall I'm with Hanako on this chapter. It's just. Blah. An overpowered Larvitar coughPikachucough, a trainer it what, hates? Pikachu hated Ash at first :/ and well that turns me off. Also, doesn't Larvitar have a gender? Or is it truely an it? IE genderless?

To me this chapter was just flat, and overall bland. You did well writing the battle scene .. but Zethyl just seems to be the cliched arrogant damian/ash esque trainer from the anime. And if the Professor couldn't see this coming from a mile away he should be shot, as for I said, no newbie trainer would be able to handle a `Tar, even with a promise.

It learns it at like level 8.
And it is supposed to be special.
It has a gender, he just doesn't know how to tell...
Again, there is a reason that the professor gave him it.
Like I said, I don't watch the anime. =/
Also, the main focus of it was the battle. That and the last two paragraphs.

~nightcat ;197;

Kikas123
23rd June 2006, 5:07 AM
I liked this chapter, but you really need to swicth the almost un used possives so they're common, and if possible, replace some I thinks, with don't you think, it seems more powerful, and use pronouns from time to time, I heard Zethyl enough times to fill the pacific, Soem times, replace Larvitar with "It", or Zehtyl with "He", but remember, your can't just say a pronoun and expect it to mean what it meant a sentance ago if you've all ready used a name that could use the same pronoun. Also, a little more description could be added. Being a Poet, I find these thinken plot, esspecially when there is a shorter story, or to make something more intresting.Otherweise, it was a bit Cliched, but your just begining. Keep up the good work!

katalepsian
24th June 2006, 4:59 PM
IMO I love those 2 chapters but I also agree that You make it sound a bit like pikachu and ash, and I dont like Zehtyl's personality, make it more friendly :) if you can

ditto_luva
25th June 2006, 2:52 AM
How did Zethyl get to Route 115 and battle a trainer without using Surf? Also I wanted to ask this a while ago; Where is the Prof.`s lab supposed to be in Rustboro City and what`s his/her name? And isn`t Zethyl supposed to get Pokeballs before is adventure starts? (You could put May/Brenden in the story too if you want. It could make it a bit better.) Also you should put Zethyl's Rival in Chapter 3.

Kikas123
29th June 2006, 9:11 PM
How did Zethyl get to Route 115 and battle a trainer without using Surf? Also I wanted to ask this a while ago; Where is the Prof.`s lab supposed to be in Rustboro City and what`s his/her name? And isn`t Zethyl supposed to get Pokeballs before is adventure starts? (You could put May/Brenden in the story too if you want. It could make it a bit better.) Also you should put Zethyl's Rival in Chapter 3.
I know that this is off topic, but DOES AUTHENTICITY MATTER? This sin't placed at the time of the game, so a lab could be under water, in the sky, who cares? second, most trainers don't stand in one place all day, so there could be trainers on route 115.

Also, I just remembered this now, you only have to indent the first time a person speaks, not every time.

Nightcat
3rd July 2006, 2:43 AM
The beginning of route 115 is accessable without surf.
And to katalepsian: Thanks. Zethyl is supposed to be like that, and it is necessary to make it appearant before the main plot starts, which BTW should be in chapter five or six.
Here's chapter three:

Chapter 3: The Mystical Cave


Zethyl traveled two more uneventful days until he reached the cave he had heard about. He looked up with wonder at the colossal entryway that stood before him. He gauged it to be at least 30 feet tall. Then his gaze shifted to the stone and hard-packed dirt on the outside of the tunnel. It was all a very pale shade of white. He entered the cave. As he did so, he was momentarily blinded by the sparkling inner area of the cavern. Everything was the same color as the exterior, but it was polished so it reflected every bit of light that entered into it. Even brighter were the small shards of glowing rocks, that were all a sooty gray, which seemed to be lit from the inside.


Then suddenly a strange moon-shaped pokémon appeared in right in front of Zethyl, staring at him with large, red, inset eyes. It made a strange cry, then levitated upward out of his eyesight.


"What was that?" he thought out loud.


"That was a pokémon called Lunatone," said a voice from behind him. He whipped around, expecting a trainer challenging him to another battle. Instead, he saw an adult dressed in a white coat with glasses and one pokéball.


"Who are you?" he asked.

"I am Professor Cosmo. I study these caves, and all the meteorites and odd things that reside in this amazing place."


Zethyl was glad Larvitar was in his pokéball; if he wasn't, he was sure it would bite someone.


"May I see your pokémon?" asked Professor Cosmo.


"Damn!" thought Zethyl, but he reluctantly said, "Sure." He let Larvitar out of his pokéball. It took a few looks around and then cried out and tried to bite Professor Cosmo in his leg, but he jumped back just in time. It then darted behind Zethyl's leg, where it stayed. "It's very timid," he said, embarassed. He was relieved it hadn't had the reaction he had predicted.


"Very interesting," said Professor Cosmo. "I have only seen this pokémon once before, and it's trainer happened to turn out to be a criminal."

"Hmm... Do you know what gender it is?" inquired Zethyl.

"May I hold it?" asked Cosmo.

"Fine," said Zethyl, as he picked up the squirming Larvitar and handed it to the Professor.

He inspected it this way and that, then said, "This Larvitar is male."


"Thank you," said Zethyl. They walked for a while in silence. Zethyl was still looking up at the ceiling and walls in wonder when the professor said, "Do you know what those gray colored rocks jutting out of the walls are?"

"No," said Zethyl. "Do you?"

"Yes. They are moon stones, mystical rocks that fell from the moon. There are not very many of them in the world, and they attract the pokémon you saw earlier, Lunatone."


Zethyl was curious. "Is there any way I could get one?"

"Sorry, but no; they are precious and magical."

"Ah well," said Zethyl, a little disappointed.

Suddenly, the professor said, "Enough of this talking; would you like to battle?"

"You can battle?" Zethyl asked. He had always thought that professors only studied pokémon, and didn't use them.

"I happen to be proficient at it," Cosmo said.

"Good! Let's battle!" cried Zethyl.

Cosmo took out a pokéball and released a Lunatone.

"Figures," Zethyl thought. He sent out Larvitar. The professor's Lunatone began concentrating very hard, its eyes closed. It then opened its eyes suddenly and a blast of lavender energy went flying through the air at Larvitar. Zethyl knew it was using its psychic power to create confusion; he had read about all of the types of attacks before.


The energy struck his pokémon head on. Larvitar recoiled and nearly fell over, and then resumed it's battle stance. It seemed as if the psychic attack hadn't taken too much of a toll on him. He then told Larvitar to summon a sandstorm. He did so successfully, but once the storm began raging, the Lunatone was completely unaffected. Zethyl slapped himself on the forehead as he realized that Lunatone was made of rock, so it wouldn't be hurt by a sandstorm.


"Make sure you know your opponent's pokémon before you attack, Zethyl. In less forgiving battles it may cost you dearly if you don't," advised Cosmo.


The moon shaped pokémon then moved back and shook, as if it were girding itself. It lurched forward quickly, and about five rocks fell out of the air onto Larvitar. Zethyl recognized this from when his pokémon had summoned rocks that had plummeted down onto his opponent. However, these rocks were fewer in quantity. They battered Larvitar, but only left a few small scratches on him.


"Bite the Lunatone wherever you can!" commanded Zethyl. Larvitar rushed at it, jumped up, and bit it near its eye. Larvitar hung on for a while, then dropped and ran back to Zethyl. The lunar pokémon made an long, agonized cry as pieces of it crumbled and fell of. It then fainted on the ground and returned to it's pokéball.


"Very good!" cried the professor. "I think you have some great potential and could go pretty far with your Larvitar."


"Thank you," said Zethyl.


"Considering it seems that you are not able to capture any other pokémon yet, as a reward I will give you these: five pokéballs. When you find a pokémon you want to catch, engage it in battle and try to attack it until it is close to fainting. Then toss one of these at it, and you should catch it. Be careful, though, for it is a crime among pokémon trainers to try to catch another person's pokémon."

"Thank you!" said Zethyl.

"You're welcome," replied Cosmo.


They trekked the rest of that day's journey in a short while. They finally slept on a bridge by a waterfall connected to a small river inside the cave. Zethyl was anxious to get out, but he knew he had to sleep. However, this didn't come very easily, for he knew he had forgotten something, but he couldn't figure out what. Larvitar would whimper very quietly every now and then, and when he did find sleep, the sound of it haunted Zethyl's dreams.

Hopefully the spacing is correct this time.

~nightcat ;197;

katalepsian
3rd July 2006, 5:02 AM
Wow very nice!!It seems lavritar is starting to use the attacks that Zethyl tells him to use :)
In my opinion its ok, but wasnt the third chapter a little too short?
Keep up the good work :)

Astinus
3rd July 2006, 9:22 AM
You're missing the closing quotes on two paragraphs.


"I am Professor Cosmo. I study these caves, and all the meteorites and odd things that reside in this amazing place.



"Considering it seems that you are not able to capture any other pokémon yet, as a reward I will give you these: five pokéballs. When you find a pokémon you want to catch, engage it in battle and try to attack it until it is close to fainting. Then toss one of these at it, and you should catch it. Be careful, though, for it is a crime among pokémon trainers to try to catch another person's pokémon.


Also, "it's" is the contraction of "it is". "Its" is the possesive form.

You need more description on Cosmo. All that we know is that he's "an adult in a white coat."

The battle scene wasn't really well done. Instead of just having in the narration "Zethyl commanded his Larvitar to use Bite" actually have it in dialogue! It makes your story more...pizzazish.

And why would Zethyl hand over his Larvitar who might bite someone to a complete stranger? Or is Larvitar not biting anyone anymore?

And yeah...authenticity does kinda matter in a small little sense. ¬¬

Nightcat
3rd July 2006, 2:07 PM
Yeah, it was a little short, but I just need to write these before the main plot starts.
- Professor Cosmo isn't going to be seen again, most likely.
- Darn... I will change the 'it's' to 'its'.
- He bites. He just didn't bite Cosmo. And Cosmo wasn't like some shady person, was he?
EDIT: I fixed the itses, and I gave a little more description to Cosmo, and had Larvitar try to bite him as well.

~Nightcat ;197;

Kikas123
3rd July 2006, 8:44 PM
Great Chap Nightcat! I personnaly liked the battle, lots of description, but a little more description would have made it better, a few words are being over used but thats not really a problem aslo even if Cosmo isn't going to be seen again it's good to give him a description. Good job Nightcat! I look forward to the next chapter!

Nightcat
3rd July 2006, 9:16 PM
Thanks!
Could you point out which words are overused, please, so I can watch out for that in the following chapters.
Chapter 4 should be up maybe tomorrow or the next day.

~Nightcat ;197;

Kikas123
6th July 2006, 4:19 AM
Oh, really just a substitute for the word "the" every now and then.