PDA

View Full Version : 16 Years Waited-One Dream Relinguished



Fire Pokemon Trainer
19th June 2006, 9:26 AM
Pokemon: True Quest!



CHAPTER ONE


A 16 year old boy was ready to go to Prof. Oak’s to receive his fist ever Pokemon. He’s name is Daniel Matthews. A boy who has blonde hair, blue eyes and Ash style clothing.

“Hey mum, I’m gonna going off now!”

“Oh, I’m gonna miss you!”

“Muuuuuuuuuuuuum!!!”

The Kid walks to Prof. Oak’s Lab.

“Hey Proffesie.”

“Oh hello Daniel. Here to pick up a Pokemon?”

“Yeah!”

“So Squirtle, Charmander or Bulbasaur?”

“I’ll take Squirtle.”

“Ok. Good luck!”

“Right, my first Pokemon!”, Daniel thought.

“WAIT!!”

Daniel heard a voice from what looked like his house. A girl the same age came up.

“Hey, your new. Like me! Would you like a battle?”

“Sure, I’ll never back down from a battle!”

“Go, Charmander!”

“You to Squirtle!!”

“Tackle!!” They both yelled.

Both attacks hit. The battle was still on.

“Growl!” yelled the girl.

“Dodge, then tackle Charmander!”

Charmander fainted at the tackle.

“Man! You are good! Hey, would you mind if I came with you on your journey? My names Lilly Waters.”

“Cool. My name is Daniel Matthews by the way.”


____________________________
Wasn’t very long for a start but Meh!


;155;

Astinus
19th June 2006, 10:00 AM
Pokemon: True Quest!



CHAPTER ONE


A sixteen year old boy was ready to go to Professor Oak’s to receive his first ever Pokemon. His name is Daniel Matthews. A boy who has blonde hair, blue eyes and Ash-styled clothing.

“Hey Mum, I’m gonna be going off now!”

“Oh, I’m gonna miss you!”

“Mum!”

The kid walks to Prof. Oak’s Lab.

“Hey Professor.”

“Oh hello Daniel. Here to pick up a Pokemon?”

“Yeah!”

“So Squirtle, Charmander or Bulbasaur?”

“I’ll take Squirtle.”

“Okay. Good luck!”

“Right, my first Pokemon!” Daniel thought.

“WAIT!!”

Daniel heard a voice from what looked like his house. A girl the same age came up.

“Hey, you're new. Like me! Would you like a battle?”

“Sure, I’ll never back down from a battle!”

“Go, Charmander!”

“You too Squirtle!!”

“Tackle!!” they both yelled.

Both attacks hit. The battle was still on.

“Growl!” yelled the girl.

“Dodge, then tackle Charmander!”

Charmander fainted at the tackle.

“Man! You are good! Hey, would you mind if I came with you on your journey? My names Lilly Waters.”

“Cool. My name is Daniel Matthews by the way.”


____________________________
Wasn’t very long for a start but Meh!


;155;

All the bolded parts are grammatcal changes that I made to your story. Now, for the odd parts:


A boy who has blonde hair, blue eyes and Ash style clothing.


That is some weak describing skills there. What do you mean by "Ash style" clothing?


“Muuuuuuuuuuuuum!!!”

The Kid walks to Prof. Oak’s Lab.

Not that great of a transition. Actually, there's no transition. And no need to have that many u's. Just one is needed. Same with the exclaimation points.


“Hey, your new. Like me! Would you like a battle?”

“Sure, I’ll never back down from a battle!”

“Go, Charmander!”

“You to Squirtle!!”

“Tackle!!” They both yelled.

Both attacks hit. The battle was still on.

“Growl!” yelled the girl.

“Dodge, then tackle Charmander!”

Charmander fainted at the tackle.

“Man! You are good! Hey, would you mind if I came with you on your journey? My names Lilly Waters.”

“Cool. My name is Daniel Matthews by the way.”

Moved way, way, WAY too fast. Battle was not described, Lilly just shows up. And she looks like a house, because that's what you said. Her voice came from "something that looked like his house." What does that mean?

Characters: Daniel is...uh... Not there? What I mean is that it seems like he's not anything. I don't know anything about him. His personality, his surroundings... I don't know a thing. Same with Prof. Oak and Lilly. I know nothing about them. At all. Try to let their personality come out more. Describe them. And I don't mean "blue eyes, blond hair, and Ash style clothing." Same goes for Pokémon. Sure, on these forums, we all might know what a Squirtle looks like, but you want to pretend that you are writing this for a reader that knows nothing about Pokémon.

Plot: Virtually non-existant. It seems like you are going for the basic OT plot. I don't see it. I can assume that Dan here will travel around and try for badges. Doesn't make for an interesting plot, as if I truly wanted to, I would just play my GameBoy and get the same thing. Add in a twist or something to make this story your own. This is also where desciption helps.

How to improve: Describe your characters more. Looks and personality are a must.

Describe your setting. This includes time of day, what's around the character. Use your five senses and your imagination to help you with this.

Twist up your plot. Do something different with the same story line.

I'll also say to read through the Advice and Rules thread at the top of this forum. A lot of those parts are confusing, so if you need any help at all, just PM me. I'm willing to help. Same goes for anything you didn't understand in this review.

I'm also available to be a proof-reader.

CWisgood
19th June 2006, 10:06 AM
This seems just like the anime or the dozens of n00b trainer fics out there. :/
...Except the name is changed.

Why would a teenager girl want to travel with a teenager boy she knows nothing about except the name? For all she knows, he could be a mutant Mewtwo hybrid rapist on the run.

Yami Ryu
19th June 2006, 3:21 PM
Wasn’t very long for a start but Meh!

Wasn't very good either. It was just another half assed fic :/

ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19)
FANFICTION RULES (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=96993)
Capitolised to help you see :/ go read them.

Hanako and CW also forgot to mention your battling scene was so awsome. In the sense that it makes two slugs going at it look like a sight to see. Where is the description of the attacks, the blood, the sweat. The pain and tears?

Listen to the advice given to you, go to the threads I linked to, and actually do more than a half assed chapter most likely typed up in the reply box, when you go to write chapter two.

Treeckoman7
9th July 2006, 3:00 PM
Your fic lacks heavily in description and length. And plus, it's just sort of strange how that girl came up and asked him for a battle and she doesn't even know him. This is why to based around the anime and way way to based around the games. Plus a paragraph is to be at least 6 sentences. Not 6 words. You should describe the attacks. Your characters have no personality! And they have no thoughts apparently! Give your characters some depth and some idiosyncracies and give the Pokemon something like a personality too. Your Pokemon are written out like they're mindless drones! This sucks!

Owneik
9th July 2006, 3:35 PM
That was, without a doubt, the worst thing I have ever read here. I could write that chapter (perhaps even better than you did) with only one four-row paragraph. Here is what your story lacked;

- Proper description.
- Remotely interesting action.
- Realistic and/or good dialogue.
- A character.
- A story.
- Any kind of emotion whatsoever.

However, to be fair, here's what your story DID have;

- A **** character.
- A **** story.
- Moderately good grammar and spelling.
- A boring, dumb battle.
- Stringy, one-sentence descriptions.

Just read the AfAA.

Haruhi Suzumiya
9th July 2006, 5:20 PM
Horribly generic, bland, boring. This story, bluntly put, epitomizes the whole concept of unoriginal trainer fanfictions. Standard boy gets up, gets a new Pokemon, and fights with rival, embarks on a new journey - fine. But at least try to make it interesting.

blazemxx
9th July 2006, 10:30 PM
Why do you tell us how the characters look like. You are suppose to show the reader how they look. The title is spelled wrong; relinguish is supposed to be relinquish. And the dialogue is not good at all. You just type words in quotations; how are we supposed to know who is talking?

The battle scene is so boring. Both trainers say " Tackle," and that's it. Might want to show what is happening also.

chrisivy
8th August 2006, 2:23 AM
Oh, no. It's a bit short? Agree?
Overall-good.

Zephyr Soul
8th August 2006, 5:25 AM
-.- Oi, lots to speak about here...

ONE. Have description. For instance, you might say that the sun was just rising or something, and the boy was woken up by the sound of his alarm clock or the early morning rays. Here I go with writing it for you...

TWO. Tell who's talking. And please none of that "it's the first day of my journey and my mom embarrasses me" stuff. :/ You see that so often, it just makes me annoyed now. >.>

THREE. Please come up with your own clothing. And describe it, like "he had blonde hair that shone in the early morning sun" and stuff. :/ ...wait, that's for the hair, but who cares? -.- Have him have your favorite outfit to wear or something. And have him change clothes, too... it may not matter much now, but barely any fics have that. :/ Then again, I haven't read many fics...

FOUR. I do believe that the rival has the OPPOSITE TYPE of Pokemon. It make it even worse that Charizard doesn't stand a chance against Blastoise... :/ Ah well.

FIVE. The battle scene... :/ I don't know if two Tackles from a level five Squirtle can beat another level five Charmander, especially with Growl. You could've at least made it unrealistic and had both of Squirtle's Tackles be critical hits. -.- Then, the girl would probably be mad at him for n unrealistic battle and demand to travel with him until they could have a fair fight, thus creating a Misty- type situation. :/ That would STILL suck, by the way. -.- ...on to the next one, I tend to wander alot. -.-

SIX. The name. -.- Lily is a perfectly good name. Just do NOT do an awful, worthless, not- thinking name like WATERS. -.- Go look in a thesaurus for synonyms for water. :/ Plus, it doesn't make make much sense that she started with a fire type... :/

All in all, I say your story needs 110% improvement. :/

spareux
8th August 2006, 11:17 AM
The story was just too short and not descriptive enough for me.

You've used some bad grammar during, such as 'He's name is Daniel Matthews.' It should be his name is/was Daniel Matthews.

Your story is all-talk and no description. It looks like a nine year old did it to me. If you don't give description, we don't know anything about the surroundings. For all we know, the town he received his Pokemon is was on fire at the time of the battle, or an earthquake was hitting it or anything. Use more detail in the location and setting. It doesn't matter if your characters only there for the better half of six or seven lines, you should still describe it. It make people feel informed and it makes the story better.

Now; the battle. The Battle is something I'd expect out of a Pokemon Battle before a movie; one a attack and the foes dead. I find that rubbish, no matter how young the Pokemon may be. The fight has to be intense; pulse poundingly strong, a test of each trainers strength and will. It should be exciting and keep people reading to see who finally prevails and if they overcome the odds or to see if the person they like falls in disappointment in a shock turn of events.

Clothing; Describing it as 'Ash-Type clothing' is just wrong. Unless Ash exists in your fic, it don't make sense. If he does, then it'd be stupid to have to characters with the same clothing.

And as Zephyr Soul ^ said, the whole start of the story is a bit cliché and bores most people to death. Usually very few people manage to pull that sort of story off. And as he also said, do try to be a bit more creative with the names. Unless you were using 'Waters' to contradict Lily's Pokemon, but either way you should find a synonym for water.

Keep trying, but a lot to improve.