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View Full Version : A Boy and his Eevee (PG maybe PG13)



FireLife
20th June 2006, 12:46 PM
Well this is my first attempt at a pokemon fan fic. Please dont be to hard In reveiws.;136;


Senkara woke up early this morning knowing today was the day he'd get to choose his first Pokemon. He grabed his stuff, making sure he didn't forget anything as he was very eager. He ran out the door saying bye to his mom on the way. He finally made it there, he rushed inside to be greeted by Professor Red. "Ah so you made it eh well here's the three starter pokemon to choose from the one on the left Is a Poochenya the middle one Is a Maickarp and the last one Is an Eevee." said Prof. Red


Senkara thought for a few minutes and finally decided on Eevee.
"I'll take Eevee." said Senkara


"Well go ahead and take it, But remember to treat it like a friend not a tool."said Prof. Red. Saying that he gave Senkara five Pokeballs, a Pokedex and a Pokenav.


Senkara then left and ran home to say goodbye to his mother and then begin his journey of Hoenn.


Sorry for any grammar or missellings my comp sucks at stuff like this.;136;

Yami Ryu
20th June 2006, 1:25 PM
I agree with one of the fanfic mods here :/ I am getting sick and tired of this 'Oh this is my first attempt in writing, please be kind ;;' crap. Especially when what follows is a pathetic, rule breaking piece of trite writing.

Like what we have here :/

So was this your first chapter? Wow. Pathetic. Rule breakingly pathetic. A single Paragraph and 3 lines is WAY to SHORT. You broke the length rules for chapters right there. If it was a prolouge well buddy, you need to seriously learn how to not make things so flat :/ well even if it's not. This thing so far has grammar and spelling errors up the wazoo, no description, no emotion, no depth. No originality. I suggest, and I mean suggest as in YOU SHOULD, go read the damn rules for the Fanfiction forum, it's in a sticky on the top of where all the threads go here. AND. The Advice For Aspiring Authors Thread.

Because buddy, you're just asking for it by not going :/

FireLife
20th June 2006, 1:40 PM
I went beforehand Im not going to write more realising how crappy its and the fact im trying to make a fan fic of something best left untouched Im trying to not sound mad so yea anyway i actually thank you for being so tough but mods please delete this dont know who to pm

Pinecone Tortoise
20th June 2006, 2:43 PM
ARGH. WHILE I WAS TYPING THIS, YOU DECIDED TO DISCONTINUE THE STORY. BUT IT SEEMED LIKE A WASTE TO NOT POST THIS, SO HOPEFULLY IT'LL HELP YOU WITH ANY FUTURE WORKS.


Well this is my first attempt at a pokemon fan fic. Please dont be to hard In reveiws.;136;


Senkara woke up early this morning knowing today was the day he'd get to choose his first Pokemon. He grabbed his stuff, making sure he didn't forget anything as he was very eager. He ran out the door saying bye to his mom on the way.

He finally made it there, he rushed inside to be greeted by Professor Red.

"Ah, so you made it. Eh, well, here's the three starter pokemon to choose from. The one on the left is a Poochyena, the middle one is a Magikarp and the last one is an Eevee," said Prof. Red

Senkara thought for a few minutes and finally decided on Eevee.

"I'll take Eevee," said Senkara.


"Well, go ahead and take it. But remember to treat it like a friend, not a tool," said Prof. Red.

Saying that, he gave Senkara five Pokeballs, a Pokedex and a Pokenav.

Senkara then left and ran home to say goodbye to his mother and then begin his journey of Hoenn.


Sorry for any grammar or missellings my comp sucks at stuff like this.;136;

There - punctuated and spellchecked. In future, yeh can probably do that yourself by typing it into Word or OpenOffice and using the inbuilt spellcheckers in those programs. Though you mention your computer ain't brilliant at that sort of thing - how do yeh mean? If yeh can't spellcheck your story by yourself, I advise asking someone else to beta read (proof read) for you. A beta reader can check your story over to catch the spelling/formatting/punctuation errors and correct them. This'll be really important for you, cause readers around here can get very picky when it comes to stories with poor technical qualities yeh don't want your story to be ingored just for silly mistakes like that!

Another point - were you planning to have Senkara's Eevee evolve to a Flareon? Just a hunch from the smilies you used. And speaking of smilies, as a general rule, they're considered unprofessional to use in regular speech - and even more so to use in an actual story - so make sure you keep them to a minimum.

What next... length. This is the prologue, which are allowed to be shorter, but the rules say that chapters have to be at least a page in MS Word or you run the risk of having the story closed.

If you're wondering on what to put in to make your chapters longer, I'd suggest putting in more description of how your characters behave. Little mannerisms like a particular way of standing or fidgeting with hair or style of speaking, walking or looking can really add depth to a character. So using very carefully selected verbs to describe your character's behaviour is a relatively subtle and easy way to get this info to your readers. Small changes like 'the lazy character sat in the chair and said hi' as opposed to 'the lazy character sprawled in the chair and drawled a slow greeting' can have an enormous impact on how readers picture your characters. As personal preference, I prefer description of actions over description of appearance - since describing the things happening seems to sit in the flow of the story whilst taking time out to describe static appearances seems to break the flow of action to provide info.

Anyway, since you're not going to write more, I might leave this here. Best of luck and fun to you!

Piney.
;204;;324;

Shadows Follower
20th June 2006, 3:18 PM
I agree with both the others on different points.

I agree with Yami with being new doesn't give you the privilege of not getting criticised. She's right in saying that this wasn't well made and you could have put more effort into it. You'll quickly learn if you post here that she likes to say exactly what she thinks of your work.

I do agree with PT with the fact that you shouldn't just give in because of one bad review. You do however need to take that first piece of work and edit it to a good level. If you are new, you''l learn that everyone here is sick of reading the same trainer story churned out again and again. If you are going to do something like this, you need to get an original idea put into this somehow instead of your character just going round finding badges. xXSaberXx's Cross of Revelations is a fantastic example of taking the simple story line and turning it into a wonderful masterpiece.

Again as PT said above, just add more depth to your work instead of simple sentences with adjectives, metaphors etc. Don't give up writing just cause of one critical review. She does that to all fics she thinks are rubbish. If you do continue to write (this fic or a new one) I'll review and see how you've improved. Hang in there!

Dragonfree
20th June 2006, 7:26 PM
Closing on author's request, I guess... If you change your mind, just PM me and I'll reopen it.