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Br26
22nd June 2006, 1:15 PM
{a/n: Just to let you all know, this is another "trainer goes to town to town looking for badges" kind of story. I've awlays wanted to do one so..yeah. I will be posting the prelude here now and see what you guys think of it. If you like, i'll continue. kthx.}

A Team Rocket grunt walked into the sheilded room. His face looked flushed with fright; he wasn't sure if this whole idea Giovanni was doing was a good idea at all. He wasn't trying to control Mewtwo, like he did ten years ago. No- this was a human being.

But of course he wasn't going to actually QUESTION what Giovanni was doing. He wasn't that dumb. He knew if he said anything outside these walls, he could be dead within the hour. Giovanni had that kind of power. So he just watched as the two scientists crunched the numbers into the computer. Giovanni laughed as he saw the boy hooked up to the machine, tears streaking down his eyes. He was unconcious, of course, but still- it was obvious that this was not what he wanted to do.

Giovanni looked at the Rocket grunt, who did nothing but glare at the boy.

"Get out."

The Rocket grunt turned around and stared at Giovanni. He bowed, and without a moment's hesatation, he scurried out of the room.

The two scientists then released their Magneton, who exited the room and went over to the boy, who was in the other room, and who they could see thanks to a two way mirror.

One scientist was still confused about the reason why Giovanni wanted to do this.

"Why are you doing this to a 15 year old boy, Master?"

Giovanni glared angrily at the scientist. "Do you dare defy me, grunt? Do you not want what is best for Team Rocket?"

The scientist adjusted his glasses. "Uh, of course..sir. I would die for the prosperity of Team Rocket.."

"Good. Now, alter the boy's memory."

The Magneton started to electrify the boy. The boy made no sound; he was sound asleep. He didnt even realize that his brainwaves were being altered. Giovanni glared at the yellow light emerging from the two way mirror, and smiled. Sure, Mewtwo had failed to live up to its expectaions..but that was ten years ago, when that boy from Pallet stopped him. And the kid who followed him after? He might have almost cesed Team Rocket activity, but he didnt. No, Team Rocket is still strong to the day the kid from Pallet- Ash, his name is?- started his journey.

Altering a boy's mind, he thought to himself, was much more easier than a Pokemon who was as strong as Mewtwo..he smiled as the Magneton finished their grim deed. He opened the door and walked twoards the boy, who was stirring from his sleep..

"Wh-wha?"

"Boy, who do you serve?"

The teenager had a blank look in his eyes, but something inside told him "Team Rocket".

"I..I duno.."

"Look, you vermin", Giovanni snarled, slapping the boy across the face. "You have been specifically chosen to be my special experiment. You will find me some of the greatest Pokemon in this world, and once you finish you will be disposed of. Do I make myself clear?

The boy started to cry again.

"Dont make me use this Magneton. It can easily fry your pathetic excuse of a brain out."

The boy didnt know what to do. He didnt want to hear this voice, because he knew it was wrong. But he couldnt shrug it off.. he had to say it..

"I only serve Team Rocket"

Giovanni smiled as the boy stared blankly across the room.

The deed was done.

FusionSonicX
22nd June 2006, 1:44 PM
Huh, a pretty interesting idea. I've never read a fic about a trainer being controled by Team Rocket. It must suck to know that after you do all of this your gonna end up dying. Hate to be that kid. *shudders*

Anyway, I only saw one problem. Description. What did the boy look like, what did the grunt look like, what did the surroundings look like? What about the big G-Man? Has he gotten older or younger since his anime appearance?

That's the only thing that I was able to see. Other then that, I will continute to read this. It looks to be interesting.

Astinus
22nd June 2006, 2:31 PM
A Team Rocket grunt walked into the sheilded room.

"sheilded" should be "shielded".


The two scientists then released their Magneton, who exited the room and went over to the boy, who was in the other room, and who they could see thanks to a two way mirror.

This could easily be more than one sentence. Too many "who" phrases.


"Why are you doing this to a 15 year old boy, Master?"

Write out the number: "fifteen".


"Uh, of course..sir. I would die for the prosperity of Team Rocket.."

What's with the double full stop? Are they supposed to be one full stop? Or a complete ellipses (...)?


The boy made no sound; he was sound asleep.

Try not to repeat words. You coud say "he was in a deep sleep."


He didnt even realize that his brainwaves were being altered.

You need an apostrophe for "didn't", "brainwaves" is hyphenated as so: "brain-waves".


Giovanni glared at the yellow light emerging from the two way mirror, and smiled.

Don't need the comma.


He might have almost cesed Team Rocket activity, but he didnt.

Need an apostrophe for "didn't". It's a contraction of two words: "did" and "not". Contractions need apostrophes.


No, Team Rocket is still strong to the day the kid from Pallet- Ash, his name is?- started his journey.

Really makes no sense to me. It sounds like Team Rocket was strong until Ash went on his journey. But this takes place ten years after that, right?


Altering a boy's mind, he thought to himself, was much more easier than a Pokemon who was as strong as Mewtwo..he smiled as the Magneton finished their grim deed. He opened the door and walked twoards the boy, who was stirring from his sleep..

Full stop after "Mewtwo", which means you capitalize the "He" after, and only one full stop after "sleep."


The teenager had a blank look in his eyes, but something inside told him "Team Rocket".

"I..I duno.."

Again, only one full stop after "dunno." Plus, if his mind tells him to say Team Rocket, why didn't he?


The boy didnt know what to do. He didnt want to hear this voice, because he knew it was wrong. But he couldnt shrug it off.. he had to say it..

"I only serve Team Rocket"

Full stop, and one only, after "off", "it", and "Rocket". Plus, "didnt" and "couldnt" need apostrophes.

This is all very confusing to me. Giovanni takes a boy from...somewhere...brainwashes him, and the boy doesn't like Team Rocket...even after being brainwashed. Brainwashing basically means that the person wouoldn't remember a thing. And on that topic, why would Giovanni use Magneton to do the deed? Why not a Psychic Pokémon, which would make more sense?

Description is your friend. Describe the settings, the characters, whatever. You want to try and create an image in the readers' minds that is close to what you are seeing. Even though you know what the place looks like, I don't. It makes for a slight confusion. ^^

Aside from the few hiccups that I pointed out, there weren't any other mistakes. I didn't do much with punctuation, because leaving it outside the quotation marks is the British way, and I don't want to force my American way down your throught. Unless you are American, but I don't know, so I left it alone.

Just describe more, check over your story, and you'll get better. ^^ I'll come back and check on you.