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FlamingRuby
23rd June 2006, 9:50 PM
"Please Hold"


(We see Misty enter her bedroom inside the Cerulean Gym and shut the door. Once sure that no one's going to disturb her, she strolls over to the phone by her bed, opens the nightstand cabinet, and pulls out the phone book.)

Lilly(offscreen): What'cha doin', girl?

Misty: I'm calling Gym Supplier to get more badges!

Lilly(offscreen): Good luck trying to talk to a real person... (Misty just sighs and thumbs through the phone book until she finds one certain number; then sets the book aside, picks up the phone, and dials the number)

(Ash's hand appears in the scene holding a stopwatch)

Ash(voiceover): Misty's nightmare phone call commences...now. (starts the stopwatch as Misty waits for someone to answer on the other end.)

Operator: Thank you for calling Gym Supplier...to place an order; press one...to check on the status of an order, press two... to check your account status, press three...

(Misty presses one)

Operator: If you'd like to order badges, press one...if you'd like to order teleporters, press two...if you'd like to order Gym decor, press three...

(Misty presses one again)

(Ash's hand appears in the scene with his stopwatch again)

Ash(voiceover): So far we're looking good, with a minute and forty-eight seconds so far...but now the plot thickens...

Operator: Please hold. (some cheesy 80's pop music starts over the phone. Misty sighs and drums her fingers on the nightstand)

(Misty tries various things to keep herself entertained: staring at the ceiling, playing with a paddle ball, playing Solitaire, looking at her Togepi pictures, balancing on a skateboard, kicking a soccer ball, waiting for a 7 hour download to finish, reading "War and Pokemon", playing a round of golf, and watching Slowpokes race each other, until we see her back in her room, and still on hold. It's a little bit darker outside.)

Operator: Please enter your account number...

Misty: 'Bout time... (punches in the numbers)

(Ash's hand appears again)

Ash(voiceover): Being on hold for four hours makes this call clock in at four hours, twenty-seven minutes, and 40 seconds...and counting.

Misty: I don't like the sound of that...

Operator: Account number invalid...please try again.

(Misty punches in the numbers again)

Operator: Account number invalid...please try again.

(Misty grumbles as she punches in the numbers again)

Operator: Account number invalid...please try again.

Misty: I know this is the right number....(checks her account number on her trainer card, only to discover that she's switched two digits the last three times) Oops... (sheepishly punches in the correct numbers as Ash's hand appears again with the stopwatch)

Ash(voiceover): You probably didn't mean to, but messing up the number added ten minutes to the call time!

Misty: Well, EXCUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSE me, Mr. Timekeeper! It's hard to tell the difference between 6's and 8's with the fonts they use!

Operator: Account number valid...please enter the code of the item you'd like to order.

(Misty punches in the number)

Operator: Please hold while we check to see if this item is in stock. (more cheesy 80's pop music begins as Misty collapses on the bed)

Ash(voiceover): Six and a half hours later... (the scene fades to show Misty on the bed, and clearly on the end of her rope.)

Misty: Geez, how long does it take to see if an item's in stock? I've been on the phone all day...

Operator: The item you have selected is currently in stock. Please select quantity.

(Misty punches in the number)

Operator: To pay by cash, press one...to pay by check, press two...to pay by credit card, press three...

(Misty presses three)

Operator: Please enter your card number now.

Misty: Good ol' PokemasterCard...(punches in the number)

Operator: Your order has been processed and is on its way. If you'd like to place another order, press one...

(Misty slams down the phone before the operator can continue)

Misty: Finally!

(Ash's hand appears with the stopwatch)

Ash(voiceover): The call clocked in at ten hours, twelve minutes, and twenty-three seconds...a new record!

Misty: And they say Gym Supplier's known for its fast service...if that was fast service, I don't wanna know what slow service is! (collapses on the bed.)

THE END

Yami Ryu
23rd June 2006, 10:02 PM
:/ this probably would have been mor humorus and funny, if it was:

Original Characters
Not in the Pokemon World
Unscripted
A bit less of that dreaded rushed feeling

meh. It just feels you aren't really trying, FlamingRuby.

Neko Godot
23rd June 2006, 11:58 PM
I enjoyed this much more than your Brock one-shot. Very funny.
And Yami Ryu, you are a liar. You're a flamer, not a critic. You just listed what you thought made the story bad without giving reasoning behind it. A true critic would give their reasons.

Yami Ryu
24th June 2006, 12:07 AM
:/ um I did list what could make the story better. I am not a flamer, please do not try to start flame wars in peoples threads like this, or I shall have to report you.

But fine May Lover, if you want me to go futher into Detail:

Original Characters: You use Ash, Misty, Brock and etc so much, there's no originality to it. If it was original characters, or anime characters not used As Much it might have been better.

Not In The Pokemon World: While ordering badges is something I guess Gym Leaders would have to do, and it might be a taxing process, it's not all that funny as well, the only reason you had it that was because you use Ash & Co chara's so much. Why not another gym leader? Like a hot headed one? I mean watching a hot head or an impatient one deal with something like that would be more humorus.

Unscripted: Because it'd most likely ditch that rushed feeling your scripting usually gives you :/ and it'd make it more detailed, and indepth for the characters emotions.

And for the final, well unscripting would get rid of that probably.

Now May Lover, stop calling me a flamer :/

Edit: Oh and dear it's Liar :x