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sceptilianmaster
24th June 2006, 5:55 AM
Well this is my second fic, hopefull better than the first. The first was a total disaster.


Chapter One: The Beginning of the Journey

And so our story begins as we zoom in on a ten –year old boy named Ken. Ken, like our previous protagonists, was watching something on the television late into the night. However, unlike the other protagonists, he wasn’t watching a Pokemon tournament. In fact, he was watching a-

“GOAL!” Ken cried. “That makes it 6-0 to Brazil!” You guessed it. Ken was watching the finals of the World Cup, in which Brazil was pwning the opposition.

“Ken!” shouted his mother as she came into his room. “Do you know what time it is?”

“Yeah. It’s…” Ken checks his clock. “2.00 a.m. So?”

“So you’ll wake up late for your first Pokemon! Don’t you want to get to Professor Oak’s lab early to get the full choices?” scolded his mother.

“Fine… I’ll go and sleep. Just don’t shout like that, okay. My ears are ringing and you’ll wake the neighbours up.”

Ken’s mother, obviously angered at the attitude with which Ken was speaking to her, turned off the light and slammed the door.


--- The next morning ---

“Mum, I’m up!” Ken, shouted as he came down the stairs, fully dressed.

“That’s a surprise,” Ken’s mum said. “You never woke up this early before.”

“That’s because I have motivation!” Ken replied enthusiastically.

“So, which Pokemon are you going to choose?” asked Ken’s mother.

“I think I’ll pick Charmander.” Ken replied.

“Just like your father…” Ken’s mother said quietly.

“What did you say, mum?” Ken asked?

“Oh nothing… you’d better get going or you’ll be late!” Ken’s mother reminded.

“Oh yeah… well then, see you mum!” Ken said.


--- At the lab ---

“Hello? Is anyone there?” Ken asked as he pushed open the door to the lab.

“Ah, you must be Ken, right?” a man wearing a white lab coat and a pair of thick glasses said.

“Yes, I am Ken. And you are…?” Ken replied.

“Oh, I am Professor Oak’s aide. You have come for your first Pokemon, I believe?” the Professor’s aide said.

“Yes. May I know where the Prof. is?” Ken asked.

“The Prof. isn’t here. He has gone out to do something, I’m afraid. Why don’t you go look around Pallet Town. I’m sure you’ll find him eventually,” said the aide.

“Okay. Thank you,” Ken said as he walked out of the lab.


--- An hour later ---

“I still can’t find him! Where the heck is he?” Ken cried in desperation after searching for one whole hour in vain. “Who cares anyway?” Ken continued. “I’ll just go without my first Pokemon then. I should be able to catch one.” As he said that, Ken began walking towards Route 1.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing!” a voice behind Ken cried. Ken turned back as he saw an old man in a white lab coat running towards him. Panting heavily, the old man said, “You shouldn’t go off into places where wild Pokemon live without one of your- Hey! Aren’t you Ken?”

“Yes I am. And you’re Professor Oak? Ken asked.

“Yes. Why didn’t you come for your first Pokemon this morning?” Oak queried.

“Well, your aide said you weren’t at the lab, and so I spent the past one hour trying to find you. After that, when I couldn’t find you, I decided to go off by myself. Then you suddenly pop out of nowhere. What gives?” Ken asked.

“I don’t know. It must be in the game coding. Anyway, you’d better come and get your first Pokemon.”


--- In the lab ---

“Hey! Prof.! I’ve been waiting for you. Where have you been? I want my first Pokemon right now!” a voice said as Ken and Professor Oak entered the lab. Tracing the voice back to its owner, Ken saw a boy about the same age as him, wearing a dark purple shirt and blue jeans.

“Oh, Larry. You’re here already? That’s fast. You say you wanted your starter? Fine. Just wait until Ken here picks his,” Oak said to the boy.

“Oh fine,” the boy snapped, obviously angry.

Oak said to Ken, “Pick one of those Pokemon over there.” Oak pointed at the table which was holding three Pokeballs.

Ken walked over and picked the middle one. “I pick Charmander,” Ken said.

Oak complimented Ken on his choice, “ Charmander is a strong Pokemon. Take care of it!”

“Now it’s my turn!” Larry cried excitedly. “I pick Squirtle!” Larry said.

Ken said, “Prof., if there’s nothing else, I’m going!”

Larry hurriedly said, “Ken, wait!”

Ken turned around and asked, “What is it, Larry?”

Larry said confidently, “Ken, I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!”

To be continued…

Kamia_Jay
24th June 2006, 6:12 AM
This is just pretty much a copy of what we already know to the games and anime, you haven't change one thing that I seen that looks like it will be orinigal. After this part maybe you could make something up and something more creative to get people's attention because this right here is sad to say boring. I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors -I probably just look them over- so I leave that for someone who is a expert on that level.

Also description is your best friend, use it. I couldn't really imagine anything in this fic, well the only pictures that came into mind was in the game. All you need is more oringinality and description and this fic might can be saved.

$ Kamia Jay $

Yami Ryu
24th June 2006, 6:35 AM
And so our story begins as we zoom in on a ten –year old boy named Ken. Ken, like our previous protagonists, was watching something on the television late into the night. However, unlike the other protagonists, he wasn’t watching a Pokemon tournament. In fact, he was watching a-

The only original part in your fic :/

Overall bland, rushed, tacky, tasteless, shallow plot, shallow characters, unoriginality, yada yada.

To sum it up: Pathetic

:/ read the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread, and put some effort into the next chapter. Seriously, no one wants to read a bad fanfic about the pokemon games. I mean we get more from the games then we'd get from reading this piece of crap.

And lemme guess, Larry picked Squirtle for Type Advantage, right? And Larry is going to catch a Pidgey and a Rattata and an Abra and etc. The battles are going to be bland, tacky take turn things, with no descriptions of battles. Your main character is going to win battles with a breeze, charmander will love him throughout all his evolution, or worse, you'll make pokebots.

Even if my rival picked Squirtle, or something like that, I'd pick something I like. Cause it's just cruel to just pick something for an extra battle advantage against your opponent :/ and stupid really when Fire can beat Water.

This just feels like an overall, bad rip off of the Anime and the Games and probably is close to plagurism as well. You only have one original thing for your story :x

Astinus
24th June 2006, 3:06 PM
Yami Ryu already discussed the plot (what plot?) aspect of your story. I'm just here to provide the grammar discussion.


In fact, he was watching a-

“GOAL!” Ken cried.

Mind explaining how someone can watch a "GOAL!"? At least finish your sentence, so that it makes a bit more sense.


You guessed it.

Don't break the fourth wall.


Ken was watching the finals of the World Cup, in which Brazil was pwning the opposition.

Don't say "pwn" in your narration.


“Yeah. It’s…” Ken checks his clock. “2.00 a.m. So?”

Stay in the same tense. "checked"


Just don’t shout like that, okay.

Replace the full stop with a question mark.


“Mum, I’m up!” Ken, shouted as he came down the stairs, fully dressed.

Drop the comma after "Ken".


“I think I’ll pick Charmander.” Ken replied.

Full stop after "Charmander" should be a comma.


“What did you say, mum?” Ken asked?

Aren't you, the writer of this, sure of how Ken said the question? There's no need to ask the reader. So replace the question mark after "asked" with a full stop.


“Oh nothing… you’d better get going or you’ll be late!” Ken’s mother reminded.

“Oh yeah… well then, see you mum!” Ken said.

Same problem in both. Capitalize "You'd" and "Well". Also, place a "him" after "reminded" to finish the thought.


“Hello? Is anyone there?” Ken asked as he pushed open the door to the lab.

"There" should be "here".


“Yes. May I know where the Prof. is?” Ken asked.

“The Prof. isn’t here. He has gone out to do something, I’m afraid. Why don’t you go look around Pallet Town. I’m sure you’ll find him eventually,” said the aide.


Write out "professor".


“I don’t know. It must be in the game coding. Anyway, you’d better come and get your first Pokemon.”

Hahahahahaha...no. Don't break the fourth wall. Professor Oak isn't "coded" in your story world.


Prof.!

Again, write out "Professor".


“Now it’s my turn!” Larry cried excitedly. “I pick Squirtle!” Larry said.


I think we know Larry is speaking. Drop "Larry said".


Ken said, “Prof., if there’s nothing else, I’m going!”


Write out "Professor"!

Grammar:

Nothing some simple proof-reading couldn't fix.

Description:

Not there. I know nothing about anything in here. Not what Ken looks like, not what his surroundings look like, nothing. Slow down and describe! Describe Ken physically and how he acts. And your dialogue is pretty bad in this sense too, because all you have is "Blah said happily". Boring. Mix it up! Either use different dialogue tags, or don't use them at all. Have Ken do an action, and then have him say something, with the dialogue in the same paragraph.

Now...if you don't mind, I have to go play FireRed now... (Brazil pwns... Anyhow...)

TheTurquoiseTauros!
24th June 2006, 5:53 PM
Um...I thought it is ok, it could use some things to make it better but, Yami Ryu is right, it is just a re-make of ALL the others.....*Yawn*

sceptilianmaster
25th June 2006, 1:30 PM
Yeah, sorry. But the plot isn't going to be all like the games and anime. Yhis time Team Rocket has a reaaaaaallllllyyyyyyy evil plan which involves Eevees, Pikachus and a killer rubber duck. Just joking.


Chapter Two: Errant Errands

“Ken, I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!” Larry said confidently.

“Bring it on!” Ken said, with a smile on his face.

\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\
Pkmn Trainer Ken v.s. Pkmn Trainer Larry
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\

Ken threw a red-and-white Pokeball and it burst open, revealing a cute, red, fire lizard. “Listen, Charmader,” Ken said, “This is our first match, so let’s try hard to win, okay?”

“Char! Charmander!” Charmander replied happily.

“If you think you’re going to win that easily, perish the thought! Go, Squirtle!” Larry threw a Pokeball and it too burst open, revealing a small, blue turtle with a light brown shell. “We’ll beat these weaklings, won’t we, Squirtle?”

“Squir!Tle!” the tiny turtle Pokemon cried.

“Charmander! Start things off with Scratch!”

“Squirtle! Withdraw, then Tackle!”

Charmander lunged towards Squirtle, readying its claws for a Scratch attack, but Squirtle promptly withdrew into its shell. Charmander’s claws just managed to scratch Squirtle’s shell. Then, Squirtle launched itself straight at Charmander, smashing straight into the lizard.

“No, Charmander!” cried Ken.

“Ha. How weak can you get? Another Tackle, Squirtle!” Larry commanded.

“Charmander, Tail Whip it away!” called Ken.

Squirtle withdrew yet again into its shell and flew towards Charmander. Charmander flicked its tail at the incoming shell projectile and sent Squirtle spinning away. Squirtle hit the ground and got out of its shell, obviously very dizzy.

“Here’s your chance, Charmander! Go in for a full powered Scratch!”

“No! Quick, Withdraw!” Larry cried.

But it was too late. Charmander smashed its claws hard into Squirtle’s head, sending it flying. When Squirtle hit the ground, it fainted.

“What!? How can this be? Did I choose the wrong Pokemon?”
\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\\ \\\\\\\\\\\\

“Anyway, smell ya later!” Larry walked out of the lab.

Oak praised Ken, “That was some great battling there!”

“Thank you, professor,” Ken replied, his face full of happiness at being praised by one of the most prominent scientists in the world.

“By the way, since you are going to Viridian City, can you pick up comething at the Pokemon Mart for me?” asked Professor Oak.

“Yeah, okay,” replied Ken.


--- Viridian City ---

As Ken entered the Pokemon Mart, the shopkeeper waved to him and asked, “Are you the one whom Professor Oak said was going to come pick up his parcel?”

“Yes I am,” Ken replied, “Can I have it?”

“Yeah! Here it is,” said the shopkeeper. After rummaging around the cupboard, he produced a little package and handed it to Ken. “Take care of it, and say hi to the Prof for me!” grinned the shopkeeper.

“Yeah, sure!” said Ken as he walked out of the mart.


--- Route One ---

“Hmm, I wonder what’s in this package that’s so important?” Ken thought as he walked back to Pallet Town. Just then, something moved in the grass. It turned out to be a Pidgey. “Some training would be good,” thought Ken. Ken then released Charmander to fight the wild Pidgey. “Charmander, use Scratch!”

Charmander leapt towards the small bird and delivered a powerful slash. Pidgey stumbled backward, obviously stunned, but quickly recovered. It retaliated by sending a small whirlwind towards Charmander.

“Charmander, dodge that Gust and use Scratch again!”

Charmander leapt deftly to the side and lunged towards Pidgey for another Scratch attack. Pidgey, being severely damaged, fainted.

“Great job, Charmander! Return.” Ken returned Charmander to its Pokeball and continued walking to Pallet Town.

Suddenly, the grass rustled again. Ken turned and wondered aloud, “Is that another Pidgey?”

“NO! Do I look like a Pidgey to you?!” a man wearing a black hat and a black uniform said angrily. His uniform had a big red “R” on it. “Give me that parcel now!” the man continued.

“Why should I? It’s not yours,” Ken retorted.

“It’s not yours either, so give it to me or else!” The man was obviously turning angry, judging by his face.

“Or else what?” Ken asked defiantly.

His fuse bursting, the man hollered, “You dare talk to a member of Team Rocket like that? I’ll make you pay!” The man proceeded to take out a Pokeball.

Ken, upon seeing the ball, took out his own and said, “So that’s how you wanna play. Let the games begin!”

Why does Team Rocket want the parcel? What’s so important that’s inside it? And will Ken triumph over a member of the notorious Team Rocket?

To be continued…

Yami Ryu
25th June 2006, 1:52 PM
“Charmander, Tail Whip it away!” called Ken.
Charmander only knows Growl and Scratch :/


Then, Squirtle launched itself straight at Charmander, smashing straight into the lizard.

“No, Charmander!” cried Ken.

No Charmander what? Did Charmander go flying? Was it seriously hurt? There's no follow up to this supposed head on collision :/ I see no effort for this pokemon battle, and feel I'd get a better view of one from Pokemon Colloseum.

I can't even force myself to read this rushed thing. If you had taken your time this easily could have been twice as long, and less rushed. The characters could be more flushed out, the pokemon could feel something more than pokebots. This wouldn't feel like a bad rip off of the pokemon games. And if this isn't a rip off of the games..


“What!? How can this be? Did I choose the wrong Pokemon?”

Oh my, nearly word for word what the rival in RBY/FRLG says.

Astinus
25th June 2006, 2:34 PM
Hooray for long grammar-correcting-packed reviews!


“Listen, Charmader,” Ken said, “This is our first match, so let’s try hard to win, okay?”

"Charmader" should be "Charmander." The comma after "said" should be a full stop.


“Squir!Tle!” the tiny turtle Pokemon cried.

Space between "Squir!" and "Tle!" And "Tiny Turtle", I feel, should be capitalised.


“Are you the one whom Professor Oak said was going to come pick up his parcel?”


"Whom" is used only when applied to the direct object. In this case, Ken is the subject, thus it should be "who".


“Yes I am,” Ken replied, “Can I have it?”

Replace the comma after "replied" with a full stop.


“Take care of it, and say hi to the Prof for me!” grinned the shopkeeper.

Write out "professor". Also, "grinned" is not a dialogue tag. Have it say "The shopkeep grinned."

Wow...the ending sounds exactly like the ending of an episode. The narrator coming on, and the "To Be Continued..." sign.

Description: Use it. The battle scenes were not well done, as Yami Ryu said. The Pokémon are characters of your story too, and the should be described. You're still not conveying emotions well. Like with the Team Rocket member. Sure, his face showed that he was angry, but how? Was he snarling? Turning red? What?

Flesh this out more. If you make the characters feel more human-like, rather than pixeled, perhaps we will change our views on the idea that this feels like a GameBoy plot. And oh boy, a real evil TR idea...