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Psychic
24th June 2006, 6:43 AM
Since Iím taking a two month hiatus while Iím at summer-camp, I figured I needed some way to say goodbye for now, but remind people that Psychic still exists and isn't some forum ghost. When I come back Iím going to be giving my old fic a whole facelift (so donít worry, I wonít let The Mutations die) plus I have some upcoming fics and One Shots Iím currently working on that I hope to get posted.

This was my first-ever One Shot, and remains so to this day. Iíll admit it isnít a spectacular piece, but itís something, and that Ďsomethingí is now looking much better than before. This was a way to express some emotions I had been feeling when I originally wrote this, and though it isnít some deep, meaningful piece that came from the heart, it still represents what I feel is a truth of sorts in my life and all around me.
So please, comments and critique is welcomed and appreciated, now enjoyÖ




Cries in the Dark


None hear the weak, mournful pleas escaping my throat, the only sound other than the dull crashing of the waves. I stand here, on the edge of sanity, alone. My heart screams out, tearing apart my body with its horrible wailing; I can not take much more of this.

I trusted Humans, helped them even, and for what? So they could take my one, true love away from me? No, it just wasnít right!

Damn my loving nature! Damn my trust of all things living! And damn them! Damn him! That one Human, I saved him, saved his very life! Those Sharpedo could have killed him, they could have torn him to shreds, but no, I had to intercede! I rescued him from those vicious creatures, just so he could betray me! Me, the one who saved him from a horrible, painful death! Is this my thanks? IS IT? Is this how you thank the one who saved you, you filthy, vile being?!

My entire life ended when he took her away from me! I took him in, I healed him with my Song, and he comes with his twisted machines, and takes her away from me! I loved her, the one being I could ever come to love, and that man took her from me! How could he? How could he!?

An entire life, destroyed by one man. I can not comprehend it! Some foolish, naÔve part of me still wants to trust him, the other loathes him for what he has done! My heart and mind battle each other, nature and logic, tearing me apart.

Now I am too exhausted. I pushed myself too hard, thinking I could beat them. Thinking I could get her back. I could not even catch up to that accursed boat! The muscles in my four fins still scream in agony. ĎNo more!í they whine. ĎNo more!í All I can do is stay afloat as I am rocked by the tides, and even that drains what little strength I have left. The once warm waters lap against my ocean blue body, washing the dried blood off my rock-hard shell. The sea is now bitter cold, and I feel none of the warmth I once felt that came not only from the calm seas, but from those around me as well. BeforeÖwhen everything was light and warm, and I felt peaceful and comforted, as if nothing could go ever wrong. But then the waters grew restless and uneasy with the Humanís arrival, and they starting spinning out of control. I was lost within the mountains of water, being tossed around as if I was nothing, then left stunned and confused when the sea stopped its wild dance and I was left, helpless and alone, and betrayed.

The stars high above me bring no comfort, not to me. The order and light I once saw in them has disappeared, leaving naught but chaos and a dark void, one that reflects the empty darkness that fills my heart, now that she is gone.

My belovedÖwhere are you?

I raise my long serpentine neck to the heavens, searching for council in the once comforting stars, no longer glittering like the most precious jewels. I cry out to them as darkness envelops me, but they bring me no words of wisdom as they once did, and they can not bring me back from where I have fallen.

My cries echo about me, none hear them, none care. The darkness washes over me, the shadows of despair close in, suffocating me. My creamy chest expands and contracts rapidly as I gasp for a clean lungful of air. I cry out, one last time, but the sounds are swallowed up by darkness, the darkness of the starsÖthe darkness clouding my soulÖ

Yami Ryu
24th June 2006, 6:53 AM
...


;-; why did he have to die? why? COULDN'T HE HAVE GOTTEN TO EAT THE HUMAN?


Anyways I didn't see any errors in this fic, it was lovely, in how it flowed, how it was written, how the emotion sucked you in, chewed you up and left you all ;; on the curb.

Just, beautiful. This easily deserves 4 stars, if not 5.

And well, guess see ya in two months :/

CHeSHiRe-CaT
24th June 2006, 7:30 AM
Good revising work, twinneh ^^ Much more emotion-packed goodness in this. I find it amazing how you can give Pokemon such human emotions; because they're not just brainless animals. You are wonderful at characterizing feelings, senses, and nerves by using metaphorical phrases, and describing something so complicated as thoughts before death, treachery, and ignorant selfishness of people who never pay their debts into something simple as a page or more of writing.

The blood on the Lapras' shell gave me the powerful sense of sympathy toward this mourning creature, for something so natural can be dirtied by the blood of sacrifice that is never repaid. Pity goes to this creature for helping another living thing from dying, only to exchange the roles and wind up losing itself for another, who takes it for granted and goes on through life without remorse or shame. Good message, good one-shot.

Timid Kyogre
24th June 2006, 7:36 AM
;_________________;

That was awesome, and very sad. Well, to me it was.

;-;


I cry out, one last time, but the sounds are swallowed up by darkness, the darkness of the stars…the darkness clouding my soul…

I found that quote lovely. I sorta got this weird feeling after reading this XD

Well, my reviews aren't that amazing so yeah.

GREAT JOB. Oh and good luck in camp.

~Timid Kyogre

Sike Saner
24th June 2006, 8:27 PM
Tragedy = pwnage. I've always loved it more than any other genre, and so I'm always glad to see it done well, as it was done here.

Excellent, realistic portrayal of feelings of betrayal and raw, maddening grief, such as here:


My heart screams out, tearing apart my body with its horrible wailing; I can not take much more of this.


My entire life ended when he took her away from me! I took him in, I healed him with my Song, and he comes with his twisted machines, and takes her away from me! I loved her, the one being I could ever come to love, and that man took her from me! How could he? How could he!?

The language used throughout was lovely and solid. One line in particular really stood out:


I stand here, on the edge of sanity, alone.


Again, this is a lovely, satisfying tragedy, and a great example of well-conveyed emotion. Very nice. ^^

Bay
25th June 2006, 5:21 AM
I really liked this Psychic! It is quite sad that the Lapras was dying. (Sniffs) Now I want to hug it! (Goes hug the Lapras).

Yeah, like Cheshire Cat said, I loved it how you put emotions into the Lapras. You don't see those in a lot of fics now these days. O.o

Here is my favorite line:


I raise my long serpentine neck to the heavens, searching for council in the once comforting stars, no longer glittering like the most precious jewels. I cry out to them as darkness envelops me, but they bring me no words of wisdom as they once did, and they can not bring me back from where I have fallen.

This is really beautiful! Liked it how you put even the stars cannot comfort Lapras.

This fic reminds me a lof of katiekitten's story "The Last Dance" as both hers and yours had the same concept of the humans just left the Pokemon alone and helpless.

Anyways, good job and good luck on camp!

;134;~Good night, and good luck~

lilbluecorsola
25th June 2006, 10:21 PM
I remember this one from way back. 8) I used to think it was a Squirtle. XD

Short, sweet, sad, simple. That is my concise/lazy review.

Bai~ and g'luck.

~*Nobody*~
25th June 2006, 10:35 PM
OMG... that was beautiful! It brought tears to my eyes. It reminds my of a story I read on Power Pets. Very sad. I liked it... it was just so sad and beautiful!

Psychic
26th June 2006, 12:58 AM
YAY, four reviews within the first two hours (seven in total)! *drunkrabbitdance* Iím NOT some totally forgotten ghost of the fic forum! I feel almost loved! *gets out suppa muffins from last time*- no, wait, those are all old and moldy *bakes new batch of suppa muffins* SUPPA MUFFINS FOR EVERYONE! :D



Yams: Now that you mention it, I should have let the Lapras eat the guyÖ

But seriously Ren, thanks for the awesome review. ^^ Iím glad it did so much for you. *is reassured by first reviewer that it was done well* Thanks a ton, and yeah, two months. :(
*gives goodbye suppa muffin*



Chesh: Thanks twinneh! ^^ Shucks, you make me feel like such a good writer. *thanks Peggy the English teacher silently*

Thatís a good way to summarize what this was meant to be; humans take without giving back too often, whether it be to animals, the land or even other humans. *nods* Thank you very much, you crazy Cat.
*hands suppa review muffin*



TK: Thanks a ton; might not be the most descriptive review Iíve ever gotten, but itís better than a lot. And that quote was the part I had to make sure was the best, most final sort of part. I really like it too for some reason.
Thanks, and Iíll wrestle a bear and hang it in our electricity-less tent for you while Iím gone. XD
*tosses suppa muffin*



Sike: Yay, Psychic got a review from teh Sike Saner. :3
Glad you thought it was well-done, and yes, tragedy pwns. And emoness. EMO.
Thanks, I worked hard to make the language stronger- when I reread it before I felt it was lacking the sort of finality and blunt, cold truth. Good to know that Iíve improved.
*hands suppa muffin*



Bay: XD Iím glad you liked it, though you may not want to hug that LaprasÖ
Thank you, now that itís been confirmed, I can check off Ďfull of emotioní on my list. *checks off*
Again, thanks, and for you I can bring back some insanely crappy food. Ah, camp is full of wonderful giftsÖ
*gives uncamp-like suppa muffin*



lilblue: YAY, SHE REMEMBERS! *hugs* Thanks for coming back and reading again! *knew someone thought it was a Squirtle*
The review is greatly appreciated- always an honor to hear from some of Serebiiís finest.
*tosses another suppa muffin*



LSGoP: Lawl, LSD- Lorenzo Saint Dubois. :D Is it Springtime for you other there? *huzzah for references to plays nobody has ever seen*
Er, Psychic being a random drama freak aside, thanks; nobody has ever called my work Ďbeautifulí before. Good to know I reminded you of some other story in some place Iíve never heard of, though. -.-
*gives suppa muffin, then goes off to dance cause she made someone cry*



Thank you all for the loverly reviews. ^-^

~Psychic

katiekitten
26th June 2006, 4:47 PM
;_;

That was a great little oneshot, Psychic! I really loved how you delved into the Lapras's emotions, the sense of betrayal you put across throughout the entire piece. ^.^

The ending was my favourite part. So sad, and so touching. Very beautiful. ^.^

Keep up the good work!

Kiyohime
1st September 2006, 4:13 AM
o.o At first I thought it was a Milotic, until I saw the four fins reference. XD Great ambigiousty.

And 'beautiful" IS the right way to describe it. Melodramatic also works too. But that's good. XD It makes me feel all emo. 8D It's so short, but so painful, like someone stabbing a rusty nail into your head.

*claps*

Brian Powell
5th September 2006, 1:25 PM
First one shot, you say? Well, I must say that youíve done an excellent job.

At first, when I was checking your descriptions of the pokemonís appearance, I thought it was a Gyrarados but after checking out comments from the other guys, it was actually a Lapras.

Tragic and dramatic, he showed some great emotion towards the pokemon he loved and the trainer he trusted; I felt sympathy for the poor guy when he was being ripped away by those Sharpedos (>.< not pretty).

Everything else was beautifully described.

Overall score: 5/5

Griffinkit
20th March 2007, 4:39 PM
Hmm...an interesting look into a Pokemon's mind. Perhaps you could write a short bit from the man's point of view? Like, how he felt about it-perhaps he didn't understand what he was doing?

And the Lapras should have eaten him! I agree! XD (Now I feel mean for using that in reply to a tragedy)

The only thing I don't like is how the beginning is sort of sketchy-doesn't really go into detail about the Lapras' love, or what happened to the man exactly.

Psychic
21st March 2007, 6:09 AM
Griffinkit: o_o Wow, um, I'm flattered that you thought this was good enough to risk getting an Infraction for a six month bump. You shouldn't have...but it was, um nice. o_O
Um, how did you find this old thing, by the way?

And I have absolutely no interest in writing from the human's point of view. I personally am not interested, I don't care about him, and frankly, the focus is on the Lapras and the consequences of the actions, not the human and his actions. I've had ideas to write a short something about how it all happened, perhaps from a more neutral point of view, but that's it. In general I have put this entire fic to rest, and I have other, and what some might consider better and more interesting fics I want to write.

And the beginning isn't supposed to be telling a narrative of what happened. This entire story is looking into that Lapras' mind and seeing what he is thinking and feeling. I did not wish to be precise and specific in the details, but mainly because the Lapras is focusing on how he feels rather than what happened. Point of view is everything in a story like this.

Anyway, er, thanks for the review, but if you want to see something more recent, I have three other, much newer One-Shots which imo, are much better than this one.


Brian Powell: Yeah, um, I'm replying six months later, but whatever.

Thank you very much for the great review, although looking back it is quite a dissapointment that so few people, you included, had trouble figuring out what Pokťmon it was. And I feel even worse because the Lapras wasn't being ripped apart by Sharpedo. He had saved the human from Sharpedo, but the story takes place once the Lapras had given up trying to reach the boat in which the human had taken his love.

^^; Honestly, the more recent reviews you gave me were better, and I thank you for all of them. I really should review something for you in return...



Can a Fic Mod please move this to Completed Fics? I'm done with this thing.
Thanks, much love and all that,

~Psychic