View Full Version : Hoenn Breeder Chronicals: Serenade

.:Ultimate Shroomish:.
24th June 2006, 3:53 PM
This is my first fic so please when you write corrective critiscism please don't be too harsh, Thank-You! So now we begin.
Hoenn Breeders Chronicles: Serenade

Serenade is an aspiring pokemon breeder that has just beaten the Hoenn league with his 6 pokemon: hiis very energetic shroomish (a shiny one.), his beautiful bellosumm, his energetic politoed, his calm and colected marowak, his quite solrock, and his giant tropius. He used to be a trainer but now he is a pokemon breeder since he has beaten the elite four. Serenade was 5”4’ and weighs about 108, he is 15 years old. He was preparing to got to work; he grabbed his pokenav from his desk where he usually keeps it and brought in his pokemon so he return them to their respective poke ball’s. He was walking out of the woods to “Pretty Petal Flower Shop” when he exitd he took a moment to soak in the beautiful scenary of route 104, He sighed and went on his way when someone threw a flyer at him; it was some man on a bike he was going to catch the guy but after running a while he realized he could't catch him then he just sursed under his breath and noticed he still had the flyer. He read the flyer to himself:

Pokemon Breeder’s Come Together!

This tournament will decide who is the best pokemon breeder in all of Hoenn!
In this tournament we will do three different trials 1.) Battling strength 2.) Contest Ability 3.)Healthiness.
Serenade was amazed since he was a pokemon breeder. Then he skimmed to the bottom to see that it was being held at a buildin in Rustboro city from 12:00 - 2:00. He hurried to work and stayed there for a couple of hours. He then went home for a good night's sleep.

24th June 2006, 7:09 PM
It's better than the version you PMed to me, but there is still much room for improvement.

Firstly, it's still extremely short for a chapter.

Secondly, the grammar is lacking a lot, as well as some of the spelling. When you write, it's either present tense or past tense; you never just switch between sentences. Here is a corrected version of the chapter, with all the words I changed bolded:

Serenade was an aspiring pokemon breeder who had just beaten the Hoenn league with his six pokemon: shroomish (a shiny one), bellossom, politoed, marowak, solrock, and tropius. Serenade was 5”4’ and weighed about 108. He was fifteen years old. He was preparing to go to work; he grabbed his pokenav from his desk where he usually kept it and brought in his pokemon so he could return them to their respective poke balls. He was walking out of the woods to “Pretty Petal Flower Shop” when someone threw a flyer at him. He was going to catch the person, but when he turned around the person was gone. He read the flyer to himself:

Pokemon Breeders Come Together!

This tournament will decide who is the best pokemon breeder in all of Hoenn!
In this tournament we will do three different ?:

1.) Battling strength 2.) Contest Ability 3.) Healthiness

Serenade was amazed since he was a pokemon breeder. He hurried to work and stayed there for a couple of hours. He then went home for a good night's sleep.

To summarize: Plurals do not have an apostrophe, but possessives do. Places (like Hoenn) are capitalized. Always write out numbers in full, like "three" instead of "3". (An exception would be the list on the flyer, since it's a list that's written.) You also forgot to state what there would be three different of.

Now, I forgot to mention in my PM that it would be a very good idea to make the language on the flyer a bit more formal. Official announcements would also always mention things like the location of the tournament, the time it starts, prizes, who can enter, etc. - at the moment it's a mystery how Serenade has any idea where or when he's supposed to show up. If that makes the flyer too long for your taste, you can also just make him read the top of it and then just say something like "Serenade skimmed the next lines after that, noticing that the tournament was to take place the next day at two o'clock in Rustboro City."

It still reads a little like a summary - you're telling instead of showing. Let's take these sentences:

He was walking out of the woods to “Preety Petal Flower Shop” when someone threw a flyer at him, he was going to catch the person but when he turned around the person was gone. He read the flyer to himself:

If this was something that you had watched happening and were telling somebody else about it, you'd probably tell it something like that, but in a story you want to show what happened, and then I mean as in fleshing out those sentences into something more like this:

Serenade exited Petalburg Woods at long last. He stopped briefly to let the brightly shining sun warm up his face, stretched, yawned and was about to continue on his path towards the Pretty Petal Flower Shop when something hit him in the face.

He let out a muffled yelp of surprise through what his hand quickly recognized as a damp piece of paper before tearing it away, just in time to catch a glimpse of some kid laughing, jumping onto a bicycle and speeding off towards Rustboro.

"Hey!" he shouted, running after the bike. "HEY!"

When logic found its way through his anger and made him realize that there was not a chance he could catch the prankster without a bicycle of his own, Serenade stopped and sighed. He shook his fist in the general direction of Rustboro before looking down and noticing that he was still holding the piece of paper that the kid had thrown at him in his hand.

For no particular reason except perhaps vague interest in exactly what he had gotten slapped into his face, he straightened it out and looked at the faded text that was written on it.

See how I made those two sentences into something longer than your entire chapter? It starts at the exact same point and ends at the exact same point, and does not really have anything important happening in between that didn't in your version - I just described the whole scene in detail as it happened, not as I would tell the story to somebody else. Of course, maybe I got all the details wrong. Maybe the flyer wasn't damp, and didn't land on his face. Maybe he didn't even see a glimpse of the person who had thrown it at him, and maybe the person wasn't a kid at all. But the reason I'm getting it wrong is that you never told us. We know roughly how the encounter went, but when we're trying to visualize the story inside our heads, we just have to fill in the blanks. That is how it was happening in my head when I read your story, and if that's not how it's supposed to happen, that's not good.

Now, I want to talk a little bit about the beginning.

Serenade is an aspiring pokemon breeder that has just beaten the hoenn league with his 6 pokemon: shroomish (a shiny one.), bellosemm, politoed, marowak, solrock, and tropius. Serenade is 5”4’ and weighs about 108, he is 15 years old.

That didn't read like a summary, but it read like a documentary, which is not much better except in those cases when people actually are writing documentaries, which I doubt you are. In a story, you can't just start with a documentary about the main character - you wouldn't have much fun going to action-packed movies if you were always forced to start by watching a boring documentary about the main character of the movie, would you? You need to insert it into the flow of the story where it fits in. Mentioning his six Pokémon and that he's beaten the Hoenn league can probably wait until the Pokémon are actually shown in the story or when his career is mentioned. We also don't need to know his exact height or weight, but it would help just to mention that he's "short" or "skinny". The best thing is of course if you can find a good place where it seems natural to include it, but the next best thing is just to say it a little bit after you start. It's best to place the character somewhere and doing something before you start telling the reader things about him, since they'll at least know what you're describing.

Also, just a curious nitpick: if he's a Pokémon breeder, how come he's been collecting badges and beating the league? Did he use to be a trainer, or do breeders generally do that? If he used to be a trainer, it would be good to mention for example why he decided he'd rather be a breeder.

Again, good luck.

.:Ultimate Shroomish:.
24th June 2006, 8:44 PM
I changed some things to make it better, I hope you like it. well anyway heres chapter 1

Chapter 1

Serenade walked over to the bridge that crossed over the lake, he saw 2 twin girls and as he walked bye one girl said:

“Are you a lady? She said

“Umm no. serenade said annoyed.

“Well you look like one.” Said the second girl.

“Well you like like a boy.” Serenade said triumphantly.

“WHAAAAAAAAAAA!” the girl cried

“You big meany! “ I’ll battle you, so you have to say you're sorry!” she demanded.


“GO Cruise!!!!” (A.K.A. his marowak.)

“Go skitty!’ “Use doubleslap.” she said.

“Cruise dodge then use bonemerang!

“MARO WAAKK!” it said preparing to dodge.

Then very swiftly Cruise dissapered then re-appeared behind skitty, then threw his club-like bone at skitty it made a direct hit and came around like a boomerang.

“MEEEEEEEEW!” it said hurtling through the air.

Then when it landed it couldn’t get up, it fainted.

“Big meany!” she said.

“I’m sorry for calling you’re sister a boy, just don’t be mean to strangers anymore okay? He said.

“Ok.” The girls said at the same time.

Then he finally entered Rustboro City with shroomish trailing behind him. He came to a large building that had a sighn on it: Hoenn breeder’s Tournament! Serenade knew that’s where he need to go but he noticed it was only 11:00 so he went to the gym to see what Roxanne the gym leader was doing. (she is his cousin.) He entered the big doors made of solid stone, and saw Roxanne battling some kid. He walked over and watched the battle, it was some black haired kid with a hat and a pikachu. The kid put up a good fight but lost. After the battle he went to talk to Roxanne.

“How’s the gym cousin?” serenade said.

“Hey!” “It’s doing fine.” She said excited.

That’s good.” He said.

“So why are you in Rustboro serenade?” Roxanne said curiously

“I’m here for the Breeder’s tournament being held here today.” He said.

“Oh that’s good, so do you want to have a battle?

’Umm, sure I have 30 minutes.” He said.

“Okay this is a 2-on-2 battle got it? She said readily.

“Yeah sure, GO Politoed and Belossem!!!!” he yelled!

“OK, Go steelix and Golem!” she yelled

‘Politoed use hydro pump on steelix, bellossem magical leaf on golem!” he ordered.

“steelix dig, Golem Rollout!” she orderd.

Then politoed let loose a huge stream of water and before it connected, steelix went underground. Bellosem’s magical leaf hit golem but he was spinning so they bounced off.

“Whoa!” serenade said impressed.
While he said that, steelix came up and hit politoed hard.

“POLY! It said in pain, it hurtled back, then serenade got angry.

“Belossem, use SOLARBEAM!!!!!” HE demanded

“BELLLLOSSEMMMMMMM!” it said as a giant stream of light hit both steelix and golem and they flew back and hit the wall of the gym.

“Wow, serenade you’ve gotten stronger, I would give you a badge but you already have it, but wait don’t you need to go to the tournament? She inquired.

“Oh you’re right bye!” he said as he returned his pokemon and hurried out of the gym.

Oh yeah I have a question, how do I link the chapters to the first post?

24th June 2006, 9:27 PM
Pretty good Searchman exe, you're improving. I would edit your chapter like Dragonfree did but I'm too lazy. But when you type things like this: “Well you look like one.” Said the second girl. You put a comma instead of a period and the s in said is lower case so it would be like this : “Well you look like one,” said the second girl. And uhh the first letter in your name, Serenade, should be capitalized. You keep spelling bellossom wrong but I sometimes do too. That's really the only things I see wrong, the dialogue. Oh and during the battle scene, you should use some onomatopoeias like boom, bang, or snap (ehh something more creative than those). Give it some kind of mood and make the power and pain of the attack become visualized. This story is coming along nicely though.

.:Ultimate Shroomish:.
24th June 2006, 9:52 PM
thank you angel latais.

Yami Ryu
24th June 2006, 10:17 PM

You have a very long way to go. I suggest you listen to the advice and maybe refresh on the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread.

“BELLLLOSSEMMMMMMM!” it said as a giant stream of light hit both steelix and golem and they flew back and hit the wall of the gym.

If I am not mistaken the correct name is Bellossom. And also I qould expect that Solar Beam can not be used efectively indoors as stadium lights most likely would not be powerfull enough to charge Bellossom up. Or in one turn :/ or what did you use sunny day and forget to say? Even so INDOORS it would be redundant as lights can not be made more powerfull.

“Steelix use dig on *insert opponent, Golem use rollout on *other opponent*!” she orderd.

Don't randomly capitolise crap :/ and using grammar would be nice :x

“POLY! It said in pain, it hurtled back, then serenade got angry.

:/ so FLAT.

If you took time to write something, it can go from one pathetic scentence to:

"Poli!" The Politoed yelped out in agony as it was thrown backwards through the air, only to land harshly on the ground and slide to a halt. It groaned in pain again, clearly unable to battle, or atleast right away. Serenade became angry at the sight of her injured pokemon, and in fury cried out; "Bellossom, use Solar Beam!"

And amazingly I did that in less than a minute :/

Overall this is just flat, rushed and well. Just amazingly flat. Take your TIME writing something, rushing it leaves you with something that people won't like to read, or won't like to see at all. Your characters are also flat, and btw, Serenade as a name? :/ but then again there's stranger crap out there for names. Atleast it's not Jer Majesty.

Ok you know what, I stress you go and read Advice for Aspiring Authors. I don't believe you are trying your hardest for this fic.

25th June 2006, 3:58 AM
Hm... It was alright, but it was still short. Please describe your surroundings, and at least make the conclusion of two attacks in a battle a paragraph long, and make it exciting.

Don't do this:
"Alright Treecko, Quick Attack!" the small boy called.
"Mudkip, Counter with a Water Gun!" the small girl called.

Treecko ran at Mudkip with speed, but was pushed back by Mudkip's Water Gun.

Please do this:
"Alright Treecko, let's start this battle off with a powerful Quick Attack!" the small boy cried to his loyal tree-gecko.

"Mudkip, charge towards Treecko, and when it's real close, soak it with a Water Gun!" the small girl exclaimed to her equally small water Pokemon.

Treecko started off with an extremely fast Quick Attack. The more it went, the faster. If this attack worked, it would be quite a crash. Mudkip ran almost as fast, but not quite, and opened its mouth for a Water Gun. Treecko had a grin, but it quickly turned into a depressing frown, as it was pummeled by a large blast of water.

"Aw, it's alright Treecko!" the small boy called to the small green creature with a small smile. Treecko stood up, and flashed a smile as he took a leaf from the ground, and stuck it in its small mouth.

"Yay! Good job Mudkip!" Mudkip leaped into the air, and giggled with imense joy.

That's an alright battle scene, huh? If you think that's pretty big, then I bet your wondering what a whole battle would be like. Think about ten of that one battle scene. Here's my advice: Describe almost EVERYTHING in the story, and use your emotions to your benefit. Don't always make them say:
"Ok." the boy said.
"Your cute..." the girl said.
"Oh thanks." the boy said.
"Your very welcome." the girl said.

Make all your chapters/sentences/words/ect. more descriptive, and you'll have a great Fan-Fic in no time!

25th June 2006, 6:00 AM
Okay... let's see...

If I understood well, you want to do a "Pokemon breeder takes on a special tournament" storyline.

Not the most epic storyline ever but definitely not the worst. Can work. With a little work, it could be a perfectly entertaining fic.

Now that it is confirmed that you have a plot that can work, why is it still not right? Well, I believe the problem to be with your structure and grammar.

I won't point out the grammar ; the others did so anyway already.

Here is what's wrong in my opinion and my suggestions as to how to correct the problems:

PROBLEM 1: (logic flaw) Your character's title seems to make no sense until you read the next few sentences... but then, it's still bad because it's stated in a very flat and brief way.

SOLUTION: Skip the whole introduction part. Have your character be invited right away and have him remember about his former career or something like that. In short, try to introduce it slowly rather than stating it outright. You might think a reader won't like to have some mysteries about your characters... but not revealing everything about your character right from the start is actually important. Reading a story knowing the ending is no fun ; likewise, don't state the obvious right away until you have developed your character sufficiently. This will make your character a lot more logical to the eyes of the reader.

PROBLEM 2: (bad structure) You present the characters in this format: *insert name* is a "insert specie* with *insert personality*.

SOLUTION: Again, remove the intro. Do not present your characters at all or only present their names and species as they appear for the first time in the story. For the personality, let their actions show it rather than detailing it. Said Pokemon is brave but rash? The reader will notice it through the fic ; no need to tell the reader.

PROBLEM 3: (logic flaw) Your character is seemingly teleporting, it seems things appear out of nowhere.

SOLUTION: Slow down! Your character has to pass through a forest? Rather than write "He went through *insert name* forest and saw a *insert Pokemon*. Apart from that, he was bored. He arrived at his destination three days later.", actually detail the journey. Try and write it, imagining from the character's perspective. Yes he went through the forest... but how did it go actually? Your character received an invitation? Did he receive it by mail, by email, by a message of a psychic Pokemon, or did Mew appear out of nowhere and stamp him on the forehead with the message? Was he walking, eating, sleeping, standing in a triumphant pose for no reason? Details are everything. Yes, your descriptions will triple/quadruple/increase in size beyond imagination... but not only do long texts just look more attractive to the reader, but description = more detail, more details = easier to picture, easier to picture = reader picture the story and like it more. Readers liking your story feels good and believe me, the extra effort is worth it.

PROBLEM 4: (bad structure) The tournament explanation and how it is presented to the reader.

SOLUTION: Never make list-style explanations! If you read a fic and that the bad guy say: "I want to conquer the world. 1) because I'm bored. 2) because your face is ugly!", laughter or yawning will be your reaction, not excitment. Thus, you must avoid flat explanations. Furthermore, it came from nowhere. If you REALLY need to make an explanation, have the hero arrive at the tournament and listen at the explanation from the referee or read them on a board, not have the explanation pop out of nowhere! All in all, this point is a big turn-off and should be removed. Your story will feel a lot better from this.

PROBLEM 5: (logic flaw) The Fourth Wall, The Wall Thou Shalt Never Break.

SOLUTION: Directly linked to problem 4. The reader does NOT exist in your fic. Do the people in the anime and games have any idea that the player is looking at them? No? Then neither should it be the case for you! Have your world "speak by itself", do not directly communicate with the readers... that include both direct explanations to the readers and the characters noticing/talking to the readers. Unless you are making a humoristic fic, try and keep it as disconnected of reality as possible. By cutting the links between reality and your fic, your fic becomes much more immersive allowing the reader to relate more closely to your characters and to immerge themselves in the world you have created, making it more exciting and emotionnal.

FREE HINT: (overlooked fact) The Advice for Aspiring Authors is not everything. It's basically resumed to: read other fics. Reading other fics will help but only to an extent, you know. What will REALLY help, however, is rewriting and re-reading. Keep rewriting your fic and re-reading it. Ask yourself: "Would I REALLY like a story writen like that, with that plot?" Try and locate flaws, put yourself in the heads of those who review your story badly and try to figure why. Although you can never please everyone, if you keep working, you will succeed. Also, if you grow to dislike your plot and that everyone keep saying it's bad, don't hesitate to drop it ; no need to keep writing somethind nobody, including yourself, likes. Finally... ENJOY YOURSELF! I cannot stress this enough ; fanfiction is for FUN and if you find yourself depressed or frustrated over fanfics, then shut down your computer, get yourself a drink, relax, and do something you enjoy.

I hope my review helped.

26th June 2006, 10:02 PM
Hey, Buddy, nice fic!