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deadlyrose
25th June 2006, 4:44 PM
here is one of my stories, plz read, enjoy and comment :)


Prologue:

Proffessor Henry Kufa was a biological engineer for the PAA. Pokemaniacs Assasin Alliance and at the moment, he was being paid to develope a special rose. A deadly rose...

He was in his laboratory with a batch of seeds. He had powdered arbok venom, powdered spinarak venom, powdered muk sludge and powdered gligar poison.

He mixed them together and added in red wine and then he continued to mix. He did this in the manner a chef would do when frying a special omlette.

He then added in a perfumed liquid to make the mixture smell like a rose afterwards, the short bald man left the room for his partner to take over.

Porffessor Henrt Mort made Kufa's mixture part of the rose using extremely modern technology. Then he planted a sample into a clay pot. Afterwards, he sat down on a sofa in the corner of the lab and sunk into a really good book.

Mort was a man with black hair and blue eyes. He was in his late twenties, but he was a genious. His hair was shoulder length and wavy, like a womans, his tall muscular body looked rather odd reading a book, yet that was what he enjoyed.

Kufa suddenly walked into the lab and called out to his partner in a husky voice. Mort left his book immediately and walked over to Kufa. The remaining seeds were to be planted in Chateau de Fleur.

Two weeks later, Proffessor Henry Kufa and Proffessor Henry Mort were found by police dead in thier lab, the doctors said the reason for thier death was because they had beathed in something intoxicating.

TheTurquoiseTauros!
25th June 2006, 5:08 PM
OOOOOO!!!! scary! I can tell Im really going to like this.

Yami Ryu
25th June 2006, 5:21 PM
Two weeks later, Proffessor Henry Kufa and Proffessor Henry Mort were found dead in thier lab, they had beathed in something intoxicating.

That scentence there just made me think they tried to inhale beer or something acoholic. Also, if they are trying to create a rose that kills, don't you think they'd take percautions to prevent themselves from being killed?

It sounds like the Scooby Doo episode where they had people walking about/touching/dragging off a Radium element with no ill side effects :/


He was in his laboratory with a batch of seeds, for red roses. He had powdered arbok venom, spinarak venom, muk sludge and gligar poison.
Why only those toxins? Muk sludge on it's own should be powerfull enough. Or any of the other toxins. What is so special about all four mixed together? And why the poison from Gligar? Just because it can use poison sting, doesn't mean it has powerfull poison glands, it's not a sort to specialise in poison moves I think unless a trainer trained it hard core to be a 'poison' pokemon.


He mixed them together and added in red wine and then he continued to mix. Then he added in a perfumed liquid to make the mixture smell like a rose. He then left the room for his partner to take over.

scooby dooby doo, where are you, we've got a mystery to solve...

Why, and how, does Wine have to deal with making a toxic rose? And perfume? It's pointless isn't it? It's not DNA, it's not genetics, it's an acoholic beverage and STUFF LADIES USE TO SMELL PURTY WITH. I could see the toxins as a stretch as they would contain protiens probably that could be somehow attached to a genetical DNA chain/code/etc. But PERFUME and WINE with no genetic qualities what so ever out side of what, trace elements of grape and whatever fungus helps turn grapes into booze, and perfumes can be one hundred percent manufactured, with no organic material at all.

Whatsoever.

I'm sorry but your attempt at something original is pulled off badly. It might have been better off in an original story. With some more thinking over the prolouge/story. And well not having something like a bad dabbling of the villian Ivy from Batman :/ or whatever her name is.

deadlyrose
26th June 2006, 12:27 PM
you may not even understand the story, it is called suspence, oh and no make the attack more powerful, you mix toxins, DUH!!! anyway, hmans do forget to do somethings and so they for got to take precautions. then the roses kill by someone inhaling them, so obviously, the perfume makes it spell like a rose, the wine is for decoration

Yami Ryu
26th June 2006, 2:23 PM
His partner, Porffessor Henrt Mort made Kufa's mixture part of the roses DNA. Then he planted a sample into a clay pot. Afterwards, he sat down on a sofa in the corner of the lab and sunk into a really good book.

I still don't see how a mixture with barely any genetic material can be added the the DNA code of the rose seed. I take it you never watched Jurassic Park, right? The DNA code is a bunch of strands that can take up so much space, it can fill a room. Meaning, just sloshing on some perfume and wine into poison, mixing it together and shoving it into a rose seed, will not make a killer rose :/

Pinecone Tortoise
26th June 2006, 4:38 PM
Yo! Dude, don't get angry at yeh reviewers. I know what they say can hurt, but if you react like you did, you leave yourself open to even more criticism.

Anyway, on to the review.

First point - length. The minimum chapter length allowed by the forum rules is a page in MS Word - if your chapters go under, you run the risk of getting your story closed. Even though a prologue is allowed to be shorter, keep in mind that readers around here are used to short fics being the work of less experienced authors. If you make a short chapter, people may assume that you weren't able to write a longer one. It's not a fair perception, but it happens, so take measures to deal with it.

One way to ensure your chapters meet the length criteria would be to pack in more description. Telling your readers a bit more about what your characters look like and how they behave can help to make them more memorable and identifiable. Characters without depth are easily forgotten - which can get quite confusing if you're dealing with several at once. But if you start introducing unique personas, it can make thing MUCH easier (and even fun!) for your readers to understand.

I see you're already trying to describe your characters - well done! ^^ Still, there's room to take it further. Meaning

Proffessor Henry Kufa was a short bald man.

could become

Professor Henry Kufa was a short, plump fellow with beady blue eyes set in a chubby face that was rapidly losing the hair above it. The spreading bald spot was a touchy subject for Professor Kufa and he kept it carefully concealed beneath any of a wide range of woolen beanies from the half price basket at the local superstore.

See the difference? Not only does this alternative version provide a more detailed physical description, it shows a few of Kufa's personal quirks. Like a tendency towards cheap, rather unfashionable clothing and a sensitivity towards aging and appearance. What's more, these attributes are quite basic and simple to remember. Meaning that your reader won't be bogged down with a raft of complex details about a minor character (well, I'm assuming he's minor since you've killed him off before the story even starts properly) but can still identify them as a person.

Pick these character quirks wisely - too unusual or outlandish and your readers may dismiss it as unbelievable. Too small or normal and your reader might not even remember them. And don't forget that characters don't HAVE to have quirks - especially the ones that don't need to be remembered. Not much point in wasting awesome character attributes on a three line plot device character. Long story short - if yeh're wanting quick-to-introduce memorable characters, try using this 'quirky' memory strategy.

What next? Hmm... I think yeh might be running a bit loose on scientific correctness. Point - if yeh're not sure on how something works, don't get too specific on it. Meaning that yeh'd be probably better off skipping any mention of the process involved in the making of the rose than trying to convince your readers that you can make wine part of something's DNA. If yeh really want to, yeh might make some mention of the ingredients USED and so forth, but when yeh start trying to make guesses at how the science would work, you run the risk of having people who have familiarity or experience with the topic correct you or flat out refuse to believe you.

Another point - MUCH congrats for spacing your story out so nicely. Easily readable, logical and visually pleasing. ^^ Be happy! You've really accomplished something. This might seem like prattling about unimportant stuff, but if yeh come across stories that haven't been formatted so neatly, yeh might realise just how much of a turn-off icky formatting can be. It's really, really not nice to scrape one's eyes through oodles of overly cramped or spacy text and I'm fairly sure that a lot of readers just don't bother to. You're doing yourself quite a service by making your work that bit more approachable.

Even so, there's other things you can still do to further that effet. Like correct spelling, grammar and punctuation. Yah, I know it can be tedious! But when authors don't bothered to correct those little things, it can be interpretted as a lack of interest in their part. And if the author isn't interested in their own story, why should the readers be? And why should they strain themselves if they author can't go to the trouble of making the story that bit easier to read? There's a lot of other stories that DO have proper spelling/grammar/punctuation and nothing physically forcing readers to read your story - against those odds, it's generally a wise idea to get your story in the bunch of ones that ARE correct spelling/grammar/punctuation-wise. ^^ Here's what your prologue might look like if you'd done the corrections yourself.


Prologue:

Professor Henry Kufa was a short, bald man. He was a biological engineer for the PAA - Pokemaniacs Assassin Alliance. Currently, he was developing a special rose that killed.

He was in his laboratory with a batch of seeds for red roses. He had powdered arbok venom, spinarak venom, muk sludge and gligar poison.

He mixed them together and added in red wine and then he continued to mix. Then he added in a perfumed liquid to make the mixture smell like a rose. He then left the room for his partner to take over.

His partner, Professor Henry Mort, made Kufa's mixture part of the roses' DNA. Then he planted a sample into a clay pot. Afterwards, he sat down on a sofa in the corner of the lab and sank into a really good book.

Mort was a man with black hair and blue eyes. He was in his late twenties, but he was a genius. His hair was shoulder length and wavy, like a woman's. His tall, muscular body looked rather odd reading a book, yet that was what he enjoyed.

Kufa suddenly walked into the lab and called out to his partner in a husky voice. Mort left his book immediately and walked over to Kufa. The remaining seeds were to be planted in Chateau de Fleur.

Two weeks later, Professor Henry Kufa and Professor Henry Mort were found dead in their lab. They had breathed in something intoxicating.

The bold shows the corrections I made. Quite a bit, huh? Well, that's pretty much what your readers have to do mentally when they look at your story. And they're not likely to appreciate the extra effort. Proof reading your own work is useful in more ways than one. Firstly, it give you another opportunity to spot and correct any silly mistakes, and secondly, it gives you an overall look at the chapter so you can see if there's any content/plot/aesthetic changes you wanna make. Actually, especially if yeh're new to the writing thing, I'd advise getting someone good to beta read (proof read) for you. It can help a lot if you're not to familiar with the conventions of spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Anyway, hopefully somewhere in amongst this massive review is stuff you can put to good use. ^^ Yeh've got a highly original story here - don't waste it! Just bear in mind that extra description, character depth and spelling/grammar/punctuation correctness can dramatically improve the impression your story leaves on your readers. ^^ Best of luck and fun to you! And if you want anything in here expanded upon or explained, more strategies for approaching these points or just more stuff commented on, let me know! ^^

Piney.
;204;;324;

deadlyrose
27th June 2006, 1:42 PM
Yo! Dude, don't get angry at yeh reviewers. I know what they say can hurt, but if you react like you did, you leave yourself open to even more criticism.

Anyway, on to the review.

First point - length. The minimum chapter length allowed by the forum rules is a page in MS Word - if your chapters go under, you run the risk of getting your story closed. Even though a prologue is allowed to be shorter, keep in mind that readers around here are used to short fics being the work of less experienced authors. If you make a short chapter, people may assume that you weren't able to write a longer one. It's not a fair perception, but it happens, so take measures to deal with it.

One way to ensure your chapters meet the length criteria would be to pack in more description. Telling your readers a bit more about what your characters look like and how they behave can help to make them more memorable and identifiable. Characters without depth are easily forgotten - which can get quite confusing if you're dealing with several at once. But if you start introducing unique personas, it can make thing MUCH easier (and even fun!) for your readers to understand.

I see you're already trying to describe your characters - well done! ^^ Still, there's room to take it further. Meaning

Proffessor Henry Kufa was a short bald man.

could become

Professor Henry Kufa was a short, plump fellow with beady blue eyes set in a chubby face that was rapidly losing the hair above it. The spreading bald spot was a touchy subject for Professor Kufa and he kept it carefully concealed beneath any of a wide range of woolen beanies from the half price basket at the local superstore.

See the difference? Not only does this alternative version provide a more detailed physical description, it shows a few of Kufa's personal quirks. Like a tendency towards cheap, rather unfashionable clothing and a sensitivity towards aging and appearance. What's more, these attributes are quite basic and simple to remember. Meaning that your reader won't be bogged down with a raft of complex details about a minor character (well, I'm assuming he's minor since you've killed him off before the story even starts properly) but can still identify them as a person.

Pick these character quirks wisely - too unusual or outlandish and your readers may dismiss it as unbelievable. Too small or normal and your reader might not even remember them. And don't forget that characters don't HAVE to have quirks - especially the ones that don't need to be remembered. Not much point in wasting awesome character attributes on a three line plot device character. Long story short - if yeh're wanting quick-to-introduce memorable characters, try using this 'quirky' memory strategy.

What next? Hmm... I think yeh might be running a bit loose on scientific correctness. Point - if yeh're not sure on how something works, don't get too specific on it. Meaning that yeh'd be probably better off skipping any mention of the process involved in the making of the rose than trying to convince your readers that you can make wine part of something's DNA. If yeh really want to, yeh might make some mention of the ingredients USED and so forth, but when yeh start trying to make guesses at how the science would work, you run the risk of having people who have familiarity or experience with the topic correct you or flat out refuse to believe you.

Another point - MUCH congrats for spacing your story out so nicely. Easily readable, logical and visually pleasing. ^^ Be happy! You've really accomplished something. This might seem like prattling about unimportant stuff, but if yeh come across stories that haven't been formatted so neatly, yeh might realise just how much of a turn-off icky formatting can be. It's really, really not nice to scrape one's eyes through oodles of overly cramped or spacy text and I'm fairly sure that a lot of readers just don't bother to. You're doing yourself quite a service by making your work that bit more approachable.

Even so, there's other things you can still do to further that effet. Like correct spelling, grammar and punctuation. Yah, I know it can be tedious! But when authors don't bothered to correct those little things, it can be interpretted as a lack of interest in their part. And if the author isn't interested in their own story, why should the readers be? And why should they strain themselves if they author can't go to the trouble of making the story that bit easier to read? There's a lot of other stories that DO have proper spelling/grammar/punctuation and nothing physically forcing readers to read your story - against those odds, it's generally a wise idea to get your story in the bunch of ones that ARE correct spelling/grammar/punctuation-wise. ^^ Here's what your prologue might look like if you'd done the corrections yourself.



The bold shows the corrections I made. Quite a bit, huh? Well, that's pretty much what your readers have to do mentally when they look at your story. And they're not likely to appreciate the extra effort. Proof reading your own work is useful in more ways than one. Firstly, it give you another opportunity to spot and correct any silly mistakes, and secondly, it gives you an overall look at the chapter so you can see if there's any content/plot/aesthetic changes you wanna make. Actually, especially if yeh're new to the writing thing, I'd advise getting someone good to beta read (proof read) for you. It can help a lot if you're not to familiar with the conventions of spelling, grammar and punctuation.

Anyway, hopefully somewhere in amongst this massive review is stuff you can put to good use. ^^ Yeh've got a highly original story here - don't waste it! Just bear in mind that extra description, character depth and spelling/grammar/punctuation correctness can dramatically improve the impression your story leaves on your readers. ^^ Best of luck and fun to you! And if you want anything in here expanded upon or explained, more strategies for approaching these points or just more stuff commented on, let me know! ^^

Piney.
;204;;324;
thnx so much for the review, i am sorry i got angry, i don't mind critisism as long as it is given nicely. i thank you for the points you have made, may i ask if i can copy the corrections you made and edit my story? i hope you wouldn't mind :)

deadlyrose
27th June 2006, 2:04 PM
Chapter one, plz enjoy

Chapter 1


Her hair was pure golden blonde. Her skin was soft, creamy and smooth. She was very tall and graceful. She seemed perfect. She was a supermodel. Currently, she was in see-through lingerie.

"Yes, Cynthia, nice, Cynthia, now tilt your head back. You're money, baby!" the photographer said.

Fans were blowing her knee length hair back in such a way that she looked like a deity. The camera clicked away madly.

After a while, the photographer dismissed her.

She left the white, light filled room into the corridor. The walls were covered in milotic pictures. She walked passed the many rooms to her dressing room.

As the door opened, the sweet, perfumy scent filled her lungs - the one she always sprayed before she left the room. The walls were painted pink with large heart pictures on it. In the centre of the room lay a bed, a large four poster with a pink duvet. On the walls were shelves, filled with either teddy bears or books, and in front of the bed was a large plasma T.V.

Cynthia's parents owned the modelling agency and so she stayed there the whole day, so she had to make herself confortable.

She jumped onto the bed and lay there for a while. Then she took off the lingerie and put on a white shirt with a glittering butterfly on top of it and a pair of jeans, designed with holes at the knees, they flared out at the end.

<You done modelling?> her pokemon said.

She was a lovely creature. She had two lovely, large wings which were pink with black designs, her body was also pink and in two segments, her mouth was green and her eyes took up half her fave, both were black. She had small hands, no arms, large feet and her hands and feet were green.

She was unusual for her species ,which were usually blue and purple.

"Yeah, Butterfree, I am done. What have you been up to?" Cynthia asked.

Butterfree looked at her. Cynthia looked back at her.

"What do you want to tell me?" Cynthia asked. she and Butterfree knew each other very well, Cynthia had raised her since she was a caterpie. Cynthia's parents sent her and her sister on a quest to catch one pokemon which they would raise themselves, and lazy Cynthia caught a carterpie.

<I have been listening in on your parents... they have just bought Chateau de Fleur> Butterfree said. She looked sad rather than happy. Cynthia looked at her quizzically, then she smiled. A bigger house, that wasn't so bad. But that wasn't all the house had...

"Why are you so upset Butty?" Cynthia's voice was careful and soothing.

<The owners mysteriously died with roses in thier hands> the butterfree said. Cynthia just looked at her pokemon and smiled.

"Still, who says we will?"

Pinecone Tortoise
27th June 2006, 4:17 PM
Hey again!

Awesome to see you're making use of my reviews. You've got some extrememly expressive scenes here. Even though the chapter was so short, I had no trouble picturing the scenes (though, since half-naked supermodels writhing in front of a camera are more of a turn-off than a turn-on for me, this wasn't exactly a bonus in my mind). You seem to have a talent for using phrases that convey so much more than the words in it.


"Yes Cynthia, nice Cynthia, now tilt your head back, you're money baby!" the photographer said.

...

After a while, the photographer dismissed her.

That really seemed to say something about the model's irrelevance in the scene. Flattered, instructed and discarded. And all done without ever actually saying so. Subtle, yet powerful and effective.

Also, nice description in general. You're already showing quite a deal of intuitiveness in picking what to describe and how (eg: photographer wasn't described at all, yet the reader could clearly understand what he was like from his speech and actions. The model and her room were visually described in a way that selected the key points about them and didn't waste time on irrelevant stuff). If yeh're looking for something to work on with description, mebbe try aiming for smoother sentences - a lot of yours are a bit awkward to read at the moment. Possibly, this is due to the mistakes with commas and full stops.

I'm not sure what the actual rules are, but I have a hunch they would read something like 'commas are used to separate phrases in a sentence while full stops are used to separate different sentences'. Anyway, here's an editted version of your latest chapter.


Chapter 1

Her hair was pure golden blonde. Her skin was soft, creamy and smooth. She was very tall and graceful. She seemed perfect. She was a supermodel. Currently, she was in see-through lingerie.

"Yes, Cynthia, nice, Cynthia, now tilt your head back. You're money, baby!" the photographer said.

Fans were blowing her knee length hair back in such a way that she looked like a deity. The camera clicked away madly.

After a while, the photographer dismissed her.

She left the white, light filled room into the corridor. The walls were covered in milotic pictures. She walked passed the many rooms to her dressing room.

As the door opened, the sweet, perfumy scent filled her lungs - the one she always sprayed before she left the room. The walls were painted pink with large heart pictures on it. In the centre of the room lay a bed, a large four poster with a pink duvet. On the walls were shelves, filled with either teddy bears or books, and in front of the bed was a large plasma T.V.

Cynthia's parents owned the modelling agency and so she stayed there the whole day, so she had to make herself confortable.

She jumped onto the bed and lay there for a while. Then she took off the lingerie and put on a white shirt with a glittering butterfly on top of it and a pair of jeans, designed with holes at the knees, they flared out at the end.

You done modelling? her pokemon said.

She was a lovely creature. She had two lovely, large wings which were pink with black designs, her body was also pink and in two segments, her mouth was green and her eyes took up half her fave, both were black. She had small hands, no arms, large feet and her hands and feet were green.

She was unusual for her species ,which were usually blue and purple.

"Yeah, Butterfree, I am done. What have you been up to?" Cynthia asked.

Butterfree looked at her.

I have been listening in on your parents... they have just bought Chateau de Fleur

Cynthia smiled. A bigger house. That wasn't all it had...

The owners mysteriously died with roses in thier hands

Again, please make sure yeh take care of these sorts of things before you post a chapter - it's tiring and annoying for your readers if you don't. Oh, and on the topic of formatting - please don't make text red! It's incredibly hard to read in the default skin.

Mmph. Anyway, gotta go now. Congrats on a new chapter! Not to my taste, but I can't deny you're showing quite a degree of skill in your writing. (Though you might seriously want to make sure your next chapter is longer - I don't know how long this is, but it's probably pretty close to, if not under, the minimum of a page in MS Word. If yeh chapters are shorter than that, yeh run the risk of having this thread closed.) Best of luck and fun to you with this! You've got the skills - put them to good use!

Piney.
;204;;324;

deadlyrose
27th June 2006, 4:39 PM
Hey again!

Awesome to see you're making use of my reviews. You've got some extrememly expressive scenes here. Even though the chapter was so short, I had no trouble picturing the scenes (though, since half-naked supermodels writhing in front of a camera are more of a turn-off than a turn-on for me, this wasn't exactly a bonus in my mind). You seem to have a talent for using phrases that convey so much more than the words in it.



That really seemed to say something about the model's irrelevance in the scene. Flattered, instructed and discarded. And all done without ever actually saying so. Subtle, yet powerful and effective.

Also, nice description in general. You're already showing quite a deal of intuitiveness in picking what to describe and how (eg: photographer wasn't described at all, yet the reader could clearly understand what he was like from his speech and actions. The model and her room were visually described in a way that selected the key points about them and didn't waste time on irrelevant stuff). If yeh're looking for something to work on with description, mebbe try aiming for smoother sentences - a lot of yours are a bit awkward to read at the moment. Possibly, this is due to the mistakes with commas and full stops.

I'm not sure what the actual rules are, but I have a hunch they would read something like 'commas are used to separate phrases in a sentence while full stops are used to separate different sentences'. Anyway, here's an editted version of your latest chapter.



Again, please make sure yeh take care of these sorts of things before you post a chapter - it's tiring and annoying for your readers if you don't. Oh, and on the topic of formatting - please don't make text red! It's incredibly hard to read in the default skin.

Mmph. Anyway, gotta go now. Congrats on a new chapter! Not to my taste, but I can't deny you're showing quite a degree of skill in your writing. (Though you might seriously want to make sure your next chapter is longer - I don't know how long this is, but it's probably pretty close to, if not under, the minimum of a page in MS Word. If yeh chapters are shorter than that, yeh run the risk of having this thread closed.) Best of luck and fun to you with this! You've got the skills - put them to good use!

Piney.
;204;;324;
Thnx so much for the review, i will lengthen my chapters alot more :)

EDIT: i have changed the colour from red to '<>' and i have lengthened the chapter a little bit. i had to leave it with an air of mystery so that's why i haven't lengthened it too much :)

deadlyrose
28th June 2006, 7:16 PM
Chapter 2, please enjoy :)

“Oh Schön, you are beautiful, you are great!” Her lover whispered in her ear. He was a tall strong man; he was widely built and rather hairy. He had rose red lips and militarily cropped black shaggy hair. He had a very rough beard which he shaved once a week. He kissed her roughly again. He was a professional poketrainer. He had two hundred and sixty pokemon in total.

After a while, he got up from her bed, dressed up and left the modeling agency. Schön watched him go and smiled.

She was very beautiful and she looked a lot like her twin sister. Her hair was pure golden blonde and her eyes were a hard blue. She was tall and elegant. She had beauty and grace.

Unlike her sister, hair was shoulder-length and she was wild.

She always was either partying, drinking, smoking or having sex. She was the definition of bad girl.

She looked around at her room and grimaced. Her mother would kill her if she saw her room. The floor was littered with clothes; on the incredibly filthy walls were obscene posters. The room smelled of sweat and cigars.

Her bed lay at the edge of her room and opposite it was a cupboard filled with booze and cigars. In front of her bed was a plasma TV hanging on a wall like a painting hangs on a wall. She turned it on and began to watch.

Her pokemon crawled up the bed and hugged her. He was very furry and huggable. He had an amazing cuteness about him. His fur was brown except for his stomach fur which was white. He had large front teeth which could bite through nearly everything. He had a pink furless tail; he also had large feet and small hands.

“Raticate, how are you?” Schön asked her pokemon. Unlike her sister, she had w rked hard to get a ratata and then worked even harder to train him. She was proud of him because he could protect her from nearly anything.

<So, how was he?> he asked. Schön smiled. Her pokemon was extremely curious.

“I think I might actually keep him as a boyfriend because we talked and he doesn’t mind me cheating on him,” she said. She didn’t add in the fact he was rugged and very handsome.

<Hey, how come you aren’t speaking in slang like you usually do?>

“I only do when I am drunk,” she smiled; she was drunk most of the time. Suddenly someone knocked at her door.

“Come in!” Schön yelled. In cat walked a truly beautiful girl. Her knee length golden blonde hair did a stunning flip as she entered. She was in jeans and a shirt. She stopped dead, shocked at her sisters nakedness but she remembered they were twins.

“Cynthia, what are you doing in my room,” Schön regarded her sister with dislike. She was such a goody-goody. Next to her was her butterfree, extremely well trained, Schön hated that. Raticate leapt to his feet. Butterfree assumed attack position.

“I am still wondering why I bothered to come. Anyway, we are moving house,” Cynthia said. Schön’s eyes suddenly lit up. Cynthia smiled, Schön smiled, the photographer walked in, and fainted. He had just seen two stunning deities. They giggled.

“We should hang out more often,” they chorused. Then, they threw the unconscious photographers body out of the room.

“Butterfree, butter but but butterfree!” Butterfree said. Raticate and Cynthia understood at once, Schön however didn’t.

“The couple that lived there both died with roses in their hands,” Cynthia translated.

“So?”

TheTurquoiseTauros!
28th June 2006, 7:36 PM
Wow, I like it!! Do I smell a young Janice Dickinson?

Yami Ryu
28th June 2006, 8:21 PM
Okay, so Schon can understand pokemon? :/ what does she have a normal type affinaty, or is she 'special' or what? If she can randomly understand Raticate like Ash can with Pikachu, that's just. So over used.


She stopped dead, shocked at her sisters nakedness but she remembered they were twins.

How would them being twins do anything? If i walked in on my nude twin I'd atleast ask her to get somewhat decent, or snap out some rude remark about it, not be shocked by omg nude sister. I mean this had to have happened before with how ****like the other sister acts.


“I am still wondering why I bothered to come. Anyway, we are moving house,” Cynthia said. Schön’s eyes suddenly lit up. Cynthia smiled, Schön smiled, the photographer walked in, and fainted. He had just seen two stunning deities. They giggled.

Why would the sister come and tell her, and not the mother? Or why not later, I mean with how you place things, they don't seem to want to be in the same room together. And now there's random photographer's popping up? :/

Anyways your chapter feels flat and rushed. The characters, a bit shallow and well, that's never good. I suggest you put a bit more effort into them :/

deadlyrose
29th June 2006, 12:37 PM
okay, the sisters aren't even supposed to know that they're moving house, then butterfree spied in on the parents, number two, they have been with thier pokemon so long thay can understand them.

give a good guess why a photographer in a modelling agency would enter a models room.

and as you can tell, they don't hang out much because they are total spectrum opposites {plz ignore the fancy word if it was oddly placed}

deadlyrose
13th July 2006, 1:04 PM
Chapter 3!!!


Chateau de Fleur was a lovely mansion, very colourful and filled. It was shaped like a typical castle with four towers, but it was painted pink. It had five floors, each with a kitchen and bathroom. Each hallway was carpeted and each wall had a different wall paper decorated in flowers. There were large gardens filled with one type of flower. There was the front yard which was filled with tulips, there was the back yard which was brimming with daffodils, there was a side garden which was overflowing with daisies and there was another side garden was filled with dandelions. In the middle of the mansion, were roses. Bright red, dull yellow, pale pink e.t.c. It was lovely.

A car stopped outside this house. A large black mini-van stopped. You couldn’t see who was inside because the windows were tainted. The car came to a stop at the front door of Chateau de Fleur. Out of the front seats stepped a man and a woman, who one would guess are married. They were both on the plump side and good looking.

The man had ash blonde hair which was carefully combed back, covering his eyes were dark sunglasses. He wore a suit on his pale brown body. The woman next to him had blonde hair, obviously dyed. Her skin was extremely pale, as if she lived in a freezer, she also wore a suit, had her waist length hair been cut, one would consider her a man.

From the middle door of the car stepped a beautiful girl. Her hair was pure golden blonde and her eyes were sapphire blue. She was tall and slender, her lips were rose red. She looked so beautiful and delicate, her hair was knee length. Following her out was a lovely pink butterfree, it wore a mini skirt, (which was full length on her little body) and a pink shirt with slits for the hands and the wings. She joined the man and woman, and one would assume (because of the visual similarities) that they were her parents.

From the back of the mini-van stepped a girl looking just like the first one. She had pure golden blonde hair and lovely exotic skin. She was tall and slender; her hair was neck-length and amazing. She walked up to the first girl who one would assume is the twin sister. Running to catch up with her was a ratata. A cute furry ratata with a long pink tail. Unlike the butterfree, the ratata wasn’t clothed. The assumed family began to talk.

“Mama, where are our rooms?” Cynthia asked. Schön stood next to her father and Cynthia stood next to her mother.

“Yeah dad, where is our rooms huh?” Schön demanded rudely. She was always rude though her twin was extremely polite.

“Choose any on the second floor,” their mother said. The two girls smiled and ran upstairs with their pokemon behind them. The inside of the mansion was so wide, one could build a swimming pool inside, and there was a swimming pool, on the third floor. The two girls ran up the stairs and Cynthia chose a room with a grand view of the roses, Schön chose the room opposite which had a grand view of outside, Schön chose her room so she could sneak out at night. After the rooms were chosen, furniture was moved in.

* ~*~*~*~*~*

Dimitri smiled happily. The Groß family had just moved into Chateau de Fleur. His pokemon licked his knuckle. She was a beautiful pokemon, with silver-white fur and nine tales, each with an orange-gold tip at the end. She had some fur tied in a ponytail and she was truly a beautiful elegant creature.

“Yes my sweet, soon, they will die for what they did to me,” he said in his base voice, and then he did a maniac type laugh.

“I will hurt them,” Dimitri said. The ninetales smiled.

“Honey, have they moved in?” Morgana asked. Dimitri looked at his wife and stood up to kiss her. She wasn’t what most people would call beautiful. She had very black skin (like charcoal) and she was very, very tall. Her eyes were dark brown, such a dark brown, that one would consider them black. She had acne all over her body.

Even with all these outside problems one would immediately notice she was rather graceful. Her hair was a lovely shade of black, which inspired jealousy in other women.

Her pokemon matched her very well. He had mainly green wings, though there were purple-red circular patterns on it. His small body was purple and pointed at the end. His eyes were dull yellow with black spots. He had four tiny feet, both red, he also had two dull yellow anttenae, both ovular.

Her dustox landed gracefully on the ninetales. Since the ninetales was used to this, she tolerated him.

Morgana sat on Dimitri's lap. She cackled.

"They will pay,"

Yami Ryu
13th July 2006, 1:49 PM
She had acme all over her body, yet she was rather graceful

Do you mean Acne, I.E pimples/blackheads? How would a skin blemish make her ungracefull? :/ I don't get it. And if you mean acme, I've never heard of it outside of a Loonytoons cartoon.

And I don't see how Persian and Ninetales are simalur- but with how poorly you described them yeah I can guess they are. And I don't think we need to know that the persian is randy for the ninetales :/

And still talking pokemon? I'm sorry but this is getting rather old, rather fast- and also, I could understand them understanding the emotions of the pokemon. Hell I can do that with my pets. Anyone can do that with an animal. But understanding the speech, with no hitches and etc? that's sorta like being with someone who only speaks a foriegn language and then suddenly BAM you understand what he means! When there's more to it really :/

And also some parts could have been described better to be more fluid;


There were also large gardens,which strangely were only filled with one type of flower; one was the front yard and held tulips, another lay situated in the backyard and was fillled to the brim it appeared, with daffodils. Then there was a side garden where daises sprouted, and yet another side garden containing dandelions and other such weeds. In the middle of the mansion though, were the flowers many people considered the most beautiful and elegant in the world. Roses, of all colors, possible hybrids and species.

Just a bit more thought into it and you'd have many paragraphs that didn't feel.. chunky.

Outside of that this feels like the other chapters before it. Oh and another thing:


Dimitri smiled happily. The Groß family had just moved into Chateau de Fleur. His pokemon licked his knuckle. She was a beautiful pokemon, with silver-white fur and nine tales, each with an orange-gold tip at the end. She had some fur tied in a ponytail and she was truly a beautiful elegant creature.

The former and the latter in that scentence/slashwannabe/paragraph have nothing to do with eachother. So either cut it and make it two seperate scentences, or elaborate on one, and make a scentence out of the other.

If you are confused I suggest reading the Advice thread for the part about Paragraphs, Scetences and the ilk.

Literate
14th July 2006, 5:37 AM
Looks...not too good...My specialty is suspence/mystery but I really don't get what you're trying to get out of describing everything. o.O No, really, you describe everything but they don't flow pretty well.

I'll just check the flow, and perhaps on the grammar a bit.

Check: Prologue: If you rearrange everything, check the spellings and grammar, and place a bit more detail...


Prologue

A short bald man was in his laboratory, taking out from a drawer was a bag of seeds that produced red roses. He also placed beside it, powdered arbok venom, spinarak venom, muk sludge, and gligar poison.

He mixed them together and added in red wine and then he continued to mix. Then he added in a perfumed liquid, and a rosey scent filled the air. He then left the room, and another man headed into the room. He was a man with black hair and blue eyes and and looked like he was in his late twenties, but he was a genious.

Proffessor Henry Mort planted the mix into a clay pot, his shoulder length hair waving in his face. Afterwards, he sat down on a sofa in the corner of the lab and sunk into a really good book. His tall muscular body looked rather odd while reading, yet that was what he enjoyed.

Kufa suddenly walked into the lab and called to his partner in a rather husky voice. Mort left his book immediately and walked over to Kufa. They took their project and hid in them a cupboard. The remaining seeds were to be planted in Chateau de Fleur, a mansion of the greatest order.

Two weeks later, Proffessor Henry Kufa and Proffessor Henry Mort were found dead in their lab. Forensics showed that they had breathed in something intoxicating.

But what the authorities found was even more of a shock. Proffessor Henry Kufa was biological engineer. He worked for the PAA, the Pokemaniacs Assasin Alliance. Before he died, he and his partner was developing a special rose, one that could killed.
A lot of things I presumed. But if you have it in this kind of format it would sound more of a mystery. ^.^

Well, I corrected the prologue. And it seems that you can't seem to spell some words correctly. o.O Brush up on this, and try to sort out all the typoes is that what I can do.

Bye.

~Literate

deadlyrose
14th July 2006, 9:18 AM
okay.

yami: i have edited a bit. you misunderstood a bit, it was dimitri talking, not the ninetales, also, i have changed the crudely described ninetales to a well described dustox. so i have edited it a lot. thanx for suggesting a better way to describe the garden, i will edit it.

Literate: i see that u like mystery, i think i have edited the prologue a bit to be more mysterious, how is that?

Literate
14th July 2006, 9:27 AM
Like mystery? I'm like obsessed with mystery. But then again, maybe I'm just good at what sounds the more suspenceful. *shrugs*

It's a bit choppy with the sentences, though. The flow is kind of broken, really. To have a good mystery, all the actions are supposed to tie together and flow correctly into order to create the atmosphere you want. Read it in your head to see if it sounds right, and add commas, periods, and other things where you see fit.

...Or you should go and read a good quality mystery book to see what kind of suspence they create. ^.^ Or you can read my rearrangement for the prologue to see what you can do, in your way, redo the Prologue. I only used what I know from the original. You're the writer; you should know what's happening in the story.

~Literate

deadlyrose
14th July 2006, 9:40 AM
i love mystery as well, okay, i will try to edit it to flow better...
this is the 1st story i have written straight onto computer, normally i write on paper 1st. so please 4give me if the standard seems low

Yami Ryu
14th July 2006, 10:58 AM
i have changed the crudely described ninetales to a well described dustox.

....

It's not well described. If I didn't know you meant Dustox, I wouldn't know you would be describing a Dustox. Sheesh. One scentence for pokemon description :/ is that all you can do? And the garden scene is still choppy, you start/stop too much, it's just. You aren't putting the effort you could into this.

And it's not my fault for misunderstanding when it goes 'I will hurt them' the ninetales smiled. :/ how can I misunderstand that? You didn't hint beforehand that it was another being talking. See, this is what I mean. You don't put your whole heart into a fic and you'll end up with crap :/


so please 4give me if the standard seems low

Um no you shouldn't be forgiven. Why? :/ in my story I'm doing currently, I rewrote half of Chapter five twice. So there's no excuse for a low standard. If you can't write it out on paper, well tough cookies. You re-write out what you have computer wise untill you get something decent.

But have to say you are trying :/ and atleast you're accepting my advice unlike others. So you get a brownie point for that atleast.

deadlyrose
17th July 2006, 2:43 PM
Chapter 3

They danced in the darkness of the cave. Legs kicked high, like cheerleaders. They were in tens, hundreds, thousands!

Their pink bodies looked so flexible, though they were plump. Their faces were elated with joy. They soon began to shake their curled up tails as they kicked their legs higher.

They bowed down to a grey stone for only a split second, and then they continued their mad dance. The stone began to glow with a pale yellow light, giving a bit of light to the cave.

They danced faster, an unheard rhythm which they were all dancing to increased in tempo.

Suddenly, they stopped. The stone was so shining brightly, the clefairy didn’t stare, or else they’d be blinded.

There were so many clefairy standing uniformly, it cause a pink blanket with brown stripes.

The moonstone shot a beam of light at every member in the room. One beam went astray and hit an outsider, a human which accidentally wondered in and was up on a high ledge in the cave.

The beam caused such excruciating pain; it made her look so hideous-


Morgana screamed. She was breathing very heavily. The purple bed sheets were drenched with her sweat. She pulled her duvet off her body and flung it across the room. Her pillow was also drenched in sweat. She got up from bed.

“Honey, how come you screamed?” Dimitri asked softly. He looked rather annoyed at being woken up for the third time that week. Morgana smiled warily. she breathed in and out, slowly, taking in huge gulps of air

“I had nightmares again,” she whimpered. Dimitri got up from the bed and hugged her gently. She smiled softly.

“Come back into bed,” his blue eyes coaxed her, she entered the bed again.

"Remember, it was just a dream, just a dream!" Dimitri's voive was incredibly controlled, it seemed like he was desperate to yell, but this was his wife and he would do no such thing.

*~*~*~*~*~*

“Haya!!!” Cynthia yelled as she broke seven planks of wood with one hit. Her teacher clapped.

“Brilliant Cynthia!” her teacher said. He was a strong man, with milky white skin and almond shaped eyes.

Cynthia had been taking tae kwon do since she was five, she was an expert. She could kick anyone’s butt. She had found it particularly useful on the three occasions someone had tried to rape her.

“Okay Cynthia, let us go on a one on one combat,” the teacher ordered. Cynthia picked up a bamboo stick and so did the teacher. They were training in the daffodil garden. Cynthia was on the crouching beneath all the daffodils. The teacher spotted her golden hair very easily. He jumped into the air preparing to strike.

Cynthia looked up and saw him. Automatically, she assumed the tortoise position to defend herself and it worked. The teacher gracefully stood up and sent his sick flying towards her like a dagger. Cynthia ducked and swiftly jumped into the air to do a move she called helicopter.

This was a difficult move involving her stick above her head being rotated. She hovered there, almost flying, but this was a move that drained energy quickly. Anyone who knew this move knew that the laws of physics didn't work as one would expect. This is because human has been taining for a long lime and worked on the way she/he balanced, also they've worked on thier energy levels and so therefore seemed to have acomplished something superhuman.

Her teacher watched her calmly, she couldn’t stay there forever.

Cynthia, faster than the eye could see, threw her stick with a tremendous force, downwards so that her teacher couldn’t duck. He simply assumed the turtle; the power of Cynthia’s stick broke his own. He smiled grimly. He threw out a poke ball. Cynthia gasped and called Butter free to her. The pink pokemon fluttered to her faster than normal because Cynthia’s voice was filled with distress.

“Koffing, smokescreen!” the teacher ordered his round purple pokemon. The creature had holes all around it that spewed out smoke. Across its chest was something very similar to a skull with a cross underneath it.

Cynthia began to cough hysterically and could feel a stick beating her mercilessly.

“Butterfree,” she chocked, “whirlwind!”

The smoke cleared in a matter of minutes, sucked up by a mini-tornado, and that mini-tornado was sent to Koffing and its master. Cynthia picked up her stick and smiled sweetly as she beat the hell out of her teacher. Soon the whirlwind cleared away, and before her teacher could make a move, Cynthia ordered Butterfree to hit him with sleeping powder.

“We won Butty, we WON!!!” Cynthia screamed with joy. She danced sweetly inside the house, and then she saw something that would give her nightmares for the year, or maybe even forever.

Her maid lay dead on the floor, a rose lay right next to her…

Yami Ryu
17th July 2006, 2:59 PM
... ok I don't know wether you are trying or not. I mean you act like you are one chapter- then the next it feels like you fall five steps backwards for the two you took forward.

I mean the first part of the chapter could have been Italised for the dream, and no badly done split between scenes would be needed. The waking up in a cold sweat scene could have been done better. Like 'so-so woke up, a scream dying on his/her lips as with wide, fearful eyes they saw himself/herself to be safely in his/her bedroom, and not on a ledge in utter agony and disfigurment from a rouge clefairy attack. But it didn't prevent the person from shoving the sweat soaked blanket off himself/herself as she got out of bed, not wanting to be near it right now, still shaken from the nightmare that had been so viciously real to him/her.'

See, just a bit more tinkering and effort into the emotion and well .. you'd have something.

I'm sorry but I don't know anymore if you ARE trying to do a damn thing, or if you're trying to get away with half assed **** :/ and the typos should have easily been caught.


poke Môn

...

It's Pokemon unless you know that e` or whatever alt code. It is Pokemon not something disfigured and making me think of an adult calling it Poke Kay Mon and calling Charizard cherryzerd :/

deadlyrose
17th July 2006, 3:19 PM
thankx for the italics idea. i do put in effort, but i need editors, that is why i post my fic here ;) so i can get help. thank-you so much for all the comments.

was the fight scene alright?

Yami Ryu
17th July 2006, 3:28 PM
Lesse... it's butterfree. There is no space. It's not free butter after all :/ and pathetic Koffing description ... a purple sphere with holes and a skull with crossded bones on it.

Doesn't that just scream a dead ringer for Koffing? I think not. It could describe a badly deformed, fat, midget pirate with a badly done tattoo and/or acne.

I had no idea wtf the fight scene was about untill reading it three more times.


This was a difficult move involving her stick above her head being rotated. She hovered there, almost flying, but this was a move that drained energy quickly. Her teacher watched her calmly, she couldn’t stay there forever.

Reason and rationality don't exist for you does it? Humans can not stay airborn while twisting a stick super fast. Unless it was what, OOH THE MAGIC STICK OF FARFETCH'D?! And even then it wouldn't be stable. It's why Helicopters need that second little spinning blade on their tail. Cause otherwise they'd spin around and around and around.... and around...

Anyways it's impossible for a stick to lift up a person. It is not a wing shape, it can not be spun fast enough. So unless you like cheesy and corny anime or shows, I don't see why you make your character do it :/

I can't even make myself read the rest of it. It is just too wtf, boring and well. With how rushed, and short it is, it's just ... leaves me in awe and makes me realise-

you really are not listening to a fecking word I tell you, or that anyone else has said to you.

deadlyrose
17th July 2006, 3:48 PM
is it better now?

Yami Ryu
17th July 2006, 3:55 PM
This was a difficult move involving her stick above her head being rotated. She hovered there, almost flying, but this was a move that drained energy quickly. Anyone who knew this move knew that the laws of physics didn't work as one would expect. This is because human has been taining for a long lime and worked on the way she/he balanced, also they've worked on thier energy levels and so therefore seemed to have acomplished something superhuman.

....


It sounds like you just ripped off Naruto and Dragon Ball Z in one paragraph.

God, you know what, I give up on you. YOU. ARE. HOPELESS! You don't try to fix all the problems, you fix only small ****, and think you'll get away with it. Instead of trying to explain something better, or getting rid of something that makes people wtf in the bad way, you try to fix it poorly, and make people all ... ok wtf are you smoking- in the bad way.

Just.

****.

Zephyr Flare
17th July 2006, 4:40 PM
When you have to explain something about a fanfiction outside the writting, you know there is something wrong. Shortness is also a bad sign as does writting that lookslike it hasn't even been read. How is going back to edit a post supposed to help you? Bad writting is not improved by bad edits.

May the mallet thwack you.


Sandra