View Full Version : Planet Zilix-PROLOGUE

25th June 2006, 11:30 PM
:386-s: Six years after Deoxys' appearance on Earth, a young boy became immersed in what little data was collected from Deoyxs' recovering stage! He decided he would study this mystical pokemon.

Now, at the age of 17, Elliot Graham begins to pursue his dream of a fantastic journey to find Deoxys' planet, and possibly create an alliance with the pokemon itself. Humans on Earth suspect that it can speak telepathically, yet nobody knows for sure. Anyways, we move to present day Earth, where Graham is loaded down with exploration gear for the expedition into space.

"Julia," he exclaims, in shock, when he notices his girlfriend running up to him. She wraps her arms around him.

"Why are you here? HOW did you get here?"

"I've got connections Elliot," she boasted, smirking. Three older astronauts grinned at Elliot as she held him to her. Elliot looked away.

Those men liked 'fine' women, but did not appreciate them. He would be true to his girl, however. The two broke a passionate kiss, and Elliot and Julia ignored the constant whistles of 'dirty joy'. One man approached Julia, and boldly ran a hand through her hair.

"HEY," Elliot shouted, furious at the leader of the group, John Clorey. John talked down to Elliot, who withstood the threats. But now...

"Who do you think you are, yellin' at me boy!" said the rude man.

"I THINK THAT I'M-" he fell to the floor as John punched him hard.

"You better watch that mouth of yours, or my Mightyena will be cleaning the meat off your scrawny bones."

Elliot tasted blood, and saw Julia run for the door, looking back sadly at him. He knew she had to keep her pride, and it was best that she left. Those men would've been all over her if she didn't.

He stood, wordlessly, glaring at John. How dare this man! Who in the world did he think he was touching Julia? He had dealt with snide remarks and attempted assault (which he ignored and avoided)
when he was at the training camp for his crew, but he was fed up now.

"Don't you touch her," Elliot spat, and the crew boarded the spaceship. John gave him a cold stare, which he returned with a dirty look. Then he changed his thoughts. He remembered the task at hand, and fought his urge to lunge at Clorey. It was time to find the mysterious Deoyxs. Only now, he wasn't so sure he wanted to.

The Smore
26th June 2006, 10:21 PM
Well ... It's a bit short. It's not a bad start, but It could do with a bit more description. And deffinately (sp) more length. I believe that the guide line for a prologue is page on word.

edit ... yay I'm a soul trainer !

27th June 2006, 12:52 AM
Punctuation mistakes aside, it seems like a rather decent fic if you develop it well. And I hope that Julia somehow effects this journey too. I dunno why. Perhaps it will makes things more intenser the way Elliot reacted to John and the other guys hitting on his girl.

Watch out for your mix-ups between the past and the present tense. You can also omit some of the commas before "and" as they are not always needed. Like

Elliot tasted blood, and saw Julia run for the door
there for example.

Mmm, we'll see how this turns out.

LaTeR dAyZ!

2nd July 2006, 6:25 PM

The story will have ideas and settings similar to Doom in it, yet some will be sharply tweaked to fit the scenario, some not. And yes, Julia will play a big part in this story.

Elliot felt like a claustrophobic idiot! His room was like five feet high and not very big. His bed, which was lumpy and medium sized, took up most of the room. There was a small fridge wedged in between a puny desk where he put his laptop, and dresser with a coffee kit on it. He had a pillow that was tiny and one side was covered with drool. Ugh.

He had only been here a full minute and already hated his space. He detached his universal cell phone (known as the celliverse phone, created a year ago by Lanette) and some of his other gear, and reluctantly laid on the top bunk. He flipped his pillow over, and dreaded the fact that the bottom bunk was Clorey's, as he dozed off. Once the spaceship had successfully launched, he allowed drowsiness to take him.

"Wake up fool," a voice spat, and literally spat, as a drop of spittle landed on Elliot's forehead. "You were supposed to report to me half an hour ago!"

Elliot blinked, and looked into the face of his bunkmate. He gasped once he made out the facial features and realized what was wrong. John lifted him slightly, yanked him off the top bunk, and placed him on the floor with his muscular arm.

"I-I...I didn't think..."

"That's what you get for thinkin'! Wake up and report to the cafeteria!"

John left fuming, slapping the back of Elliot's head before exiting. Elliot doubled over and landed unpleasantly. Upon standing, he realized something.

Each of the crew members had no inkling where Deoyxs' planet was, and the longer it took to find it, the more he would have to endure from John. He hated this mess he had gotten himself into! Nontheless, his dream would keep him going, at least he hoped so...

Elliot was at the cafeteria in a matter of seconds, as it was only a short hallway's walk to get there. The corridor had wide windows and a picture of Deoyxs was on the wall. What a place for a meeting, he thought as he lined up next to his crew members. He was youngest. The only other nice member of the group was Issac Velvet, the last-minute arrival for the expedition. He was 20 years old and lost his girlfriend in the epic;384; and ;386-a; battle.

Elliot sighed as John Clorey did role call.

"Elliot Graham Cracker," John seethed, eyeing Elliot darkly. There was no mistaking the fact that he'd been insulted.

"It's just Graham," replied Elliot, the slightest hint of irritation escaping.

"Did I ask you to speak, Graham?" John shouted this question right in his face. Now he was toying with him, as if he had no last name! Elliot's fist tightened.

No...I can't say that...please don't make me...


This was the worst day of his life.

"I'll be watching you 'prick'," said John, moving his gaze to the clipboard he held. A few laughs were heard.

"My name is Elliot."

"Did I ask you? From now on, when I call you prick, YOU ANSWER ME! Understand?"

Not again...


Prick. How 'bout that for a name? Elliot's only thought was to find the planet, do whatever he needed to do, and get off this ship.

Issac saluted when his name was called. His logical personality showed through his controlled movements.

"Are you testin' me Velvet, or should I call you Velveeta?"

Issac's face stiffened, and his muscles tensed up. Red-faced, he remained silent.

"See that Elliot Prick?" said Clorey. "He knows his place. But you..."

Elliot straightened up, being quiet all the while.


"Yes sir."

"Why didn't you speak to me before?"

"I wasn't asked to speak. I go by prick, not Elliot Prick," he responded this time with an uncontrollable wry smile.

"You think you're funny prick?"

"Am I right?"

Now this conjured some laughter from the 'bad boys'. John grunted.

"Listen here prick, you don't get smart with me ever!"

"That makes me angelic? If I'm so dumb, gimme some clues as to what you're trying to say."

Another grunt at the double-joke comment.

"Listen here prick-" John pointed a finger at his chest.

"I don't here anything. I must be dumb like you said. Deaf and Dumb!"

Elliot laughed. He had flipped the pressure around to John. His fellas looked expectantly at him, waiting for his retaliation comment.

"What are you laughing at boy?" he asked angrily.

"Oh, I thought those were Dracula fangs, but it was your real set of teeth, never mind..."

"Get back to your room!"

"You mean your room? We haven't even had the meeting yet."

"Did I SAY there would be a meeting? And you responded when I didn't call you prick!"

"You allowed it."

"Well I ain't lettin' it happen anymore prick. Go to MY room now!"

"Fine...fine..." Elliot threw his hands up apologetically. "I'll go." He bolted out of there, no matter how heavy the gear he had left on was. He just wanted to be alone right now.

A knock about ten minutes into Elliot's alone time caused him to bolt upright in shock. He didn't expect a visit. He turned the knob, opened the frail door, and saw Issac.

"Hey..." he tried to sound cheerful. Issac studied him. "Come in if you want."

Elliot stood aside politely. Issac walked inside the cramped space, looked around, then said, "Yeah...I'd prefer staying in the corridor."

He backed out and told Elliot, "I'd like you to know I think Clorey's a jerk. And quit the calm act. I can see that you're mad."

Elliot could not find the words to reply. He simply nodded.

"It's all right Elliot," Issac said, turning to leave.

"Erm...I uh..."

"I would prefer that you know you are not alone," he said, filling in for the speechless Elliot. That said, he walked at a steady pace down the hall and turned right, no longer visible.

Elliot caught his breath and shut the door.

He whipped around, felt a hot breath, and saw he was face to face with John Matthew Clorey. Not having recovered from this strange moment where Issac seemed Psychic, he let out a loud yelp. Clorey's eyes were locked on his and seemed cold and frighteningly solid. How could eyes be solid? Who knows? However, that was what Elliot saw when he turned around.

"Elliot..." Clorey began softly, walking slowly toward him. His look was almost inhuman, if it weren't for the fact that he was human. He was as far as Elliot knew, which was about as far as a turtle could run in five seconds.

"You aren't-"

John's bony hand clamped around Elliot's neck, squeezing tightly. His dark stare seemed to rip right through Elliot. The air in his lungs soon became equivalent to the amount of usefullness a Metapod has against Moltres. His face turned pink, then blue, then purple...

"Agh!" Clorey yelled, releasing his grip on Elliot's neck when he was bashed on the side of the head with a Great Ball.

"Magmar, Heat Wave!"

A gust of unbearably hot air hit Clorey's back, and all of his body except for his head burned up into ashes. Clorey's head was now only a skull. That skull had a red-eyed penetrating stare that struck fear into Elliot.

That skull's mouth opened, and Elliot felt a sort of pull. He was sucked inside the skull's mouth when his molecules broke apart.


Elliot was sweating. He found himself standing still, staring at where John had been. He sighed, and sank to the floor. He released Magmar, who patted his back affectionately.

"Hey pal." Magmar nodded at him. "It was all just a scary dream."

Or was it?

Read more to find out!

4th July 2006, 8:11 PM
And I hope that Julia somehow effects this journey too. I dunno why. Perhaps it will makes things more intenser the way Elliot reacted to John and the other guys hitting on his girl.

Watch out for your mix-ups between the past and the present tense.
LaTeR dAyZ!

You watch out as well, no offense intended. 'More' should never be followed by an 'er' word. Other than that, you'll be surprised what happens with Julia. And I've got a question for all readers.

Which would you prefer to be the next chapter? I've already got planned chapters, just no order. So, just go on and pick!

A: Explanation with John and skull dream.

B: Strange sighting and conversational event in space

C: Battle in space and some other non-revealed event

D: Another creepy dream, with Julia in it

Yami Ryu
6th July 2006, 4:57 AM
Flashfire, are you TOO LAZY TO WRITE Rayquaza and Deoxys? And Authors Cafe is not where you post and continually post a fanfic! If you're asking for this sort of critic, you make the thread in FANFICTION and ASK FOR IT IN REVIEWS!

Btw that chapter was crap :/ go read the fecking rules and advice threads. Sheesh.

6th July 2006, 5:21 AM
Flashfire, are you TOO LAZY TO WRITE Rayquaza and Deoxys? And Authors Cafe is not where you post and continually post a fanfic! If you're asking for this sort of critic, you make the thread in FANFICTION and ASK FOR IT IN REVIEWS!

Btw that chapter was crap :/ go read the fecking rules and advice threads. Sheesh.

*Sigh* I don't have time for this. I really shouldn't have to explain myself to you. Actually, I didn't realize I'd posted here and not in fanfiction. I had been checking this place out and got the idea, just posted. Dang it...!Thanks for THAT MUCH. Anyways...

Also, did I say I was "asking for this sort of critic?" No, I don't recall doing so. Not that you can't review...well, see ya around, inevitably-_-