View Full Version : The Elite Warriors

The Smore
26th June 2006, 9:58 PM
Welcome to my first fanfiction, The Elite Warriors. I'm going to rate it PG, as at the moment there is mild profanity (damn) and brainwashing. If anything changes I will tell you. Also if you reveiw my fic, I will do my best to review yours.So here is the,

Prologue :


“Are we all here?”

I stated the obvious. All 13 chairs were filled.

“Good. Then we may begin,”

“Wait a minute,”

Gah. Agatha, as always. Damn the white haired crone. With a fixed smile I turned to face the hag.


“You still haven’t explained why all twelve members of the elite four are currently gathered in this rather small, and rather dingy room. And I tell you what young man. If you do not explain some things damn soon, I have much better things to be attending to.”

My smile faded for a moment, but I quickly re-established my focus.

“Come come my dear, there is no need to be so harsh,”

With this I made the mistake of moving over and placing my hand on her shoulder,

“Don’t you dare!” She screamed, “I have had enough! And I am leaving now”

Damn woman. I clicked my guards to stop her, but it didn’t matter. For at that time my thirteen servants entered through the large double doors at the end of the dark room. As they swung shut you could see a bloody laboratory. The test subjects had a tendency to end their lives in a … more violent way

Must remember to install a curtain there.
“Agatha please come back. Now that my servants are here I can explain everything.”

I was relived to see that she unwillingly sat back down. She would be someone worth having if, no when my plan worked out.

“Now as you all know I called you here for an important discussion about the legendaries. If you would care to put on these head phones that my servants are holding, we may begin viewing a slide show that I have prepared”

This was the most important part. If they resisted all else would fail. I watched each person carefully. But I needn’t have worried. They each put the gleaming headsets on. The last person was Agatha.

“Excellent. Then we may begin the process”

Each Headset began to whir into action. Really they were wonders of technology. Not for the first time I wondered whether I had wasted my talents choosing the path of evil. I shook the feeling off. Not now. Not now when my victory was so close! I realised that I was forgetting the elites. Some were looking puzzled, as no slide show had appeared. But it was too late for them.

“YES. Ha Ha ha ha! Finally I will have my revenge!”

I realized that I had been speaking out loud. Some of the victims were trying to get off the headsets. But it was too late. It amused me no end to see Agatha rolling around on the floor. It also got rid of my pangs at being evil. Slowly their eyes glazed over one by one. Bruno gave me a scare though. Being stronger than the rest he managed to tip over the table and knock out a few of the guards before the powerful neuro toxins got to work.

Damn. That table was expensive, even if nothing else in this place is.

Then down went Agatha. And down went Lance. There they were. The world’s most powerful trainers. Lying at my command, on the floor.

Stage one complete. Elite Warriors. Move out.

End Prologue

I've run it through the microsoft word spell checker, and It doesn't find anything wrong with it. But what does it mean by fragment, consider reversing ? Thankyou.

On a side note, Whilst I have the direction of this fan-fic planned out, I don't know what will happen in each chapter. It won't become a trainer fiction don't worry (no matter how much the next chapter seems to be saying) but I may put in Gym Battles. Obviously the characters can't really fight the elite four now :D. Suggestions will always be welcomed

PPS I'm planning on making two parts, or even three, depending on if this is greeted well or not.

~The Smore~

EDIT - Gah I'm bored of pressing the refresh button. I'll check for reply's tomorrow.Bye !

Current PM list - mrmimeykai and Hanako Tabris

The Dean of Suds
27th June 2006, 12:13 AM
It was short, but all right overall. The prologue doesn't tell us much, but it seems a bit rushed. I'll check back when you write your first chapter. Do you know when that will be, or not?
Over and out,;198;

The Smore
27th June 2006, 8:33 AM
Ok. It was one page in word, which was the guideline in the advice section. And it's not really meant to tell you much, just to set up what starts to happen. The next chapter will be up soon, probably today or tomorrow. Do you want me to PM you when i've written it ?

Edit - I couldn't find much to describe during that chapter, the next one will be better in that respect. When I have some spare time I'll rewrite the start, but for now I'm working on Chap 1 (and annoying Macbeth homework :@)

The Missing Number
27th June 2006, 3:10 PM
Nice prolouge! I agree though, it is a fair bit rushed...And the word Damn is overused. oh, with fragment, forget about it. The scene with the servants and the bloddiness, I couldn't really understand. So 8 1/2 out of ten, for rushingness lol.

Who's a plain trainer, who's a plain trainer!

The Dean of Suds
27th June 2006, 3:39 PM
Ok. It was one page in word, which was the guideline in the advice section.
It was okay for a prologue, but all in all, one page is rather short. Just saying it can be more than one page.

I couldn't find much to describe during that chapter, the next one will be better in that respect.
You could have described the room they were in, the people in the room, yourself,[if supposed to be secret I understand that] but there was some things you could have described in the prologue. Just saying.

Do you want me to PM you when i've written it ?
Don't PM me, but I will be checking back for new chapters regularly.
Over and out,;198;

27th June 2006, 4:50 PM
sweet jebus this story f*cking rawks

omg everyone else shut the hell up; this is the best fanfic ever

EDIT: please PM me when the next chapter is up

The Smore
27th June 2006, 5:55 PM
The Dean of Suds - Yes the person's identity is secret. There will be several people who COULD be him/her, but I don't want to reveal who it is until much later on. Don't worry the next chapters will be a lot longer (and better described).

mrmimeyaka - Erm ... thanks. But it definately isn't the best fic ever, try quest for legends or Hoenns Legacy. But thanks for that.

Bobbymoo159 - Yeh that part could definately be described better. The plain trainer bit confused me for a while though :D

Also when I typed it out in Word the characters thoughts and speech were in italic - which hasn't transfered. I'll change the next chapter though in that respect.

Also - I feel kind of bad saying this to the person who likes it best - but that aws a bit spammy. I don't like saying this but for a start don't tell others to shut up for expressing their veiws, and back up why you like it with evidence or something that was good. Thank you ! (Glad you liked it thoug h:D)

Mawile XD
27th June 2006, 6:14 PM
Not bad. I like the mystery character's personality, I always hated Agatha. However, I do agree with other reviewers that it lacks it description. My advice is, if you can't find a way to describe something, or someone, make the character do something like stroke their hair, and say something


"Lance frowned, and stroked his purple, gelled hair. "I understand that your frustrated, but people are dying."

With that, he stood up from his old cedar chair, and strode to the window. I marveled at how he never tripped over the long cape he seemed to be fond of wearing."

Something like that. Useless, and filller it seems to be, but it helps the reader get an idea of what Lance looks like. You should explain your mental image, and expand.

The Smore
27th June 2006, 6:22 PM
Ok sure will. Thanks.

I agree, but I always hated all the Elite Four for giving me advice about my pokemon. I already know all that !

I don't know if I've done this yet but I just want to thank people for taking time to review, it makes it all worth writing and thinking up ideas !

(sorry for that terrible gushy moment there :()

edit - the next chapter should be up tomorrow. It would have been today but I forgot that my music essay was for tomorrow !

The Pokemon Master
27th June 2006, 9:55 PM
Hm! This is an interesting start, and here comes my review! *rolls up sleeves*


???:Well, this is an interesting villain already, he's obviously been plotting something dark and devious. So now he's got the Elite Four under his thumb (I'm assuming that it's a him because I already have my theories about who it would be, and all my current suspects are male. Wonder what he's going to do with them...


It's an interesting start to a fiction, I'm certainly going to read more of it. Just a couple of things to point out: length and description. Yes, I know that you've heard this already (several times), but I had to point it out. Other than that, it will be fun to see where you take this...


You're fine here! Except for one very minor detail. And I'm just being plain picky here, but whatever. In general, you should use the full spelling of a number instead of just numbers. For example, "thirteen" is better than "13." It doesn't hurt, or take much longer to type when you have no set deadline for a Chapter (or even more so for a Prologue). But like I said, that's probably just me being overly critical.


A very nice start to a fiction, I must say. Work on the description and length a bit, and it will be truly amazing.

A last note before I leave...
I think it's Giovanni. Just an odd feeling I got, but that's my first guess. It's probably wrong (no clues or anything yet), but it's the first guess, surprisingly.

By the way, if the review seems a bit short, I apologize. There wasn't exactly too much to go on for now...

Until we meet again...

The Smore
27th June 2006, 10:03 PM
I'm not going to give a proper hint but it's unexpected how the villain thing works. And that's all you'll get out of me. That reveiw was wonderful. I realized that I had put numbers, but I thought I'd changed them. Must have forgotten :(

In case you haven't noticed, your fic helped me to write in the ??? style (1st person really) Thanks !

The Pokemon Master
27th June 2006, 10:56 PM
Ok, ok. Hmm... Unexpected means any number of things... It could be a new character entirely or one from the anime/manga/games. *ponders* And don't worry, I was just pointing it out.

And yeah, I noticed that. You're very welcome! Glad you liked it enough to use it (and ???s are always fun to put in a fiction. For the author, at least ;)).

Until we meet again...

The Smore
28th June 2006, 2:49 PM
Heh it's going to be fun watching people guess :D

Update on chapter. I've got it planned out, but not written (science lessons are great for sitting in a stupor thinking of ideas !)

28th June 2006, 3:08 PM
Grammar review!

"Good. Then we may begin,"

Comma after "begin" needs to be a full stop (period).

"Wait a minute,"

Same thing here.

"You still haven’t explained why all twelve members of the elite four are currently gathered in this rather small, and rather dingy room.

Comma after "small" really isn't needed.

And I tell you what young man.

Need a comma after "what" to make it a direct address.

"Come come my dear, there is no need to be so harsh,"

Need a comma before "my", and the comma after "harsh" needs to be a full stop.

With this I made the mistake of moving over and placing my hand on her shoulder,

Comma after "shoulder" should be a full stop.

"Don’t you dare!" She screamed, "I have had enough! And I am leaving now

The "she" beginning the dialogue tag "she screamed" needs to be lower-cased, as it is a continuation of the previous statement. And, yes, the comma after "screamed" needs to be a full stop.

I was relived to see that she unwillingly sat back down.

Though Microsoft Word can catch spelling mistakes, it can't catch it when the wrong word is used. Here, "relived" should be "relieved".

"Excellent. Then we may begin the process"

Plop a full stop after "process".

Each Headset began to whir into action.

Lower-case "headset" as it is not a proper noun.

And there you go! Everyone else said what could be said about your prologue. Add me to the PM list, as I might forget that I reviewed here. ~:c

The Smore
28th June 2006, 5:40 PM
Ok thanks for catching all that out. I'll uptade the prologue soon - but right now I'd rather write the first chapter :D

I'm so sorry. An unexpected event came up. My parents are taking me to a sve the world thing. And I'm so close to finishing. It will take all night, but I'll try to get part 1 up tonight. Bye!

The Dean of Suds
28th June 2006, 10:18 PM
Ok thanks for catching all that out. I'll uptade the prologue soon - but right now I'd rather write the first chapter :D

I'm so sorry. An unexpected event came up. My parents are taking me to a sve the world thing. And I'm so close to finishing. It will take all night, but I'll try to get part 1 up tonight. Bye!
Don't put pressure on yourself. You can post it tomorrow, you don't have to strain yourself. It happens, unexpected things come up. It's perfectly all right if you can't get it up tonight. All I'm saying is, if you end up with not a lot of time, don't think you have to write it. Take it easy, you have plenty of time in your life and it's just a fan fic, not the end of the world.
Over and out,;198;

The Smore
29th June 2006, 5:41 PM
Ok thanks. I'm just going to keep calm and write them leisurely. It's almost finished though !

soul of legonds
29th June 2006, 6:39 PM
Ahh. An entreging fic this is. Things could be worked on. But it dose have the esence of a very good fic.

The Smore
29th June 2006, 8:02 PM

This story, from this point on, will contain levels. I think it's explained in the chapter, but if you have any questions don't hesitate to ask me. Thanks to DragonFree for the idea!

(they're only going to play a very small part, nothing major, just a way of describing things better than I could without.)

Chapter Two – The Beginning of a Journey


I woke with a start, and glanced at my luminous watch.
****, it was 9:00. I was late.

“Damn damn damn damn!”

AAHH. What was the point in camping outside Professor Birch’s door when I was going to oversleep! It was funny though. Ten o’clock and it was as black as night. Very strange.

I rubbed my eyes sleepily and brushed back my hair from my eyes. That was my pride. Everybody else may bully me about it but I loved my wavy, shoulder length silver hair. Even if it got in my way all the time, I wasn’t ever going to cut it off.

I still couldn’t get over how dark it was. Two meters from the sign and I couldn't read it! A drop of rain on my nose shook me out of my stupor. I was meant to be getting my Pokemon! Scrambling up I left my green sleeping bag on the floor for later. But as I closed the door behind me I noticed one more thing. There was no bird song.

I had just slammed the door when it started to rain. Heavily. This must be my lucky day, as if it had been a normal day, I would have woken up late just as it started to rain, someone would have stolen my stuff, and a freak lightning bolt would burn the lab down. Smiling inwardly I ran up to Professor Birch.

“Sorry. So… Sorry I’m late... sir.” I panted.

“Mmmhhmm,” replied Prof. Birch, “yep. Right. Oh. Sorry, but who are you?”
Gah. Professor Birch went a bit like that. Usually when he was preoccupied, or studying his Pokemon.

“My name’s MATT Professor Birch. Remember I’m meant to get my Pokemon startertoday?”

“Oh yes. Yes. You used to play with my grandson onow didn't you? What was his name again?"
I sighed. This seemed to be some ritual for the proffesor. I couldn't remember the last time he had remembered his only grandson, who, after all, only lived next door's name.

"It's JONATHON Professor!"

"Ah, yes of course it is. Anyway, I’m afraid we don’t have a huge selection this year. See you probably noticed that Pokemon have started to disappear since, well, around a week ago. Actually we have it much better than many other towns. But yesterday when I went out to catch the Pokemon, there wasn’t any. At all.”

I stood there amazed. I knew there were less Pokemon around recently, but none at all! I listened, enraptured.

“So, these four parcels that I ordered have arrived only today. You are actually very lucky. Normally late trainers get the ‘worst’ Pokemon,” he continued.

Why was he reminding me? I knew that, and it was killing me inside that I wouldn’t get a 'powerful' Pokemon. But his news gave me hope. Maybe the other trainers had made a mistake. I certainly hoped so, so I sat concentrated even harder, kicking myself for not listening as he carried on.
“So the Game Freak department of electronics and cyberspace were kind enough to send us four Porygons!”

I was stunned. I didn’t think (not that I ever paid attention in History) that something like this had ever happened. But then again Pokemon had never completely disappeared before. But not that Porygon was a bad Pokemon. Not at all. However it would be strange, to say the least, to try and work up to the Elite Four with a Porygon. And there were, by the sound of it, no Pokemon in the wild either!

I was just pondering on how I was going to accomplish this feat, when Professor Birch ran to the window and peered out.

“Matt. MATT!” He shouted.

I jumped and ran to the window.

“Tell me you can see them. Please let them be real,” he said.

Confused I peered out the window. I could just see someone in the distance someone. Their walked looked … stiff. Almost mechanical. Confused I turned to Professor Birch.

“What am I meant to be looking at professor?” I queried.

“Look again!” was his only reply.

Actually I could make out a figure. And now a face. He seemed very familiar. But, that’s,

“SIDNEY!” the professor matched my thoughts.

But there was more. More people. Four people. And the only foursome that Sidney would be with is

“THE ELITE FOUR!” screamed Professor Birch, right in my ear.

“Calm yourself Birchy, this is your moment, oh yes, calm calm calm,” he was almost hyperventilating by this point.

Goodness me, he was a very strange man.

“Right. Hair combed. Check. Face washed. Check. Flies. Uh oh. Check, he-he.” I had never seen him this excited. “Ah! You, boy, whats-your-name get over here now. Well you’re ok, bit crumpled, DAMN! I forgot about the levels. Quickly, quickly, how long have we got? Hah they’ll take a few minutes yet. Right. Why are you here again boy? Oh yes, your starter. Well here you go. It’s a little weird, and I couldn’t quite understand the letter they sent but there’s a microchip missing or there’s one where there shouldn’t be, but something along those lines. But it might affect personality somehow. Have I told you about levels yet?” he burbled.

The excitement of the elite four being almost right out side his house seemed to have scrambled his brain more than usual. “Mmhhm Levels. Well. It’s a new addition to the pokedex, which will in very rough terms out line the general power of a Pokemon, how long it’s been trained and things like that. I decided to introduce this to stop powerful trainers beating new trainers. Now, when you are challenged to a battle, give a quick sweep of the poke balls, and it will tell you the levels of the Pokemon. Not the identity though, that would be cheating!" He chuckled at his own, somewhat dubious, joke

"For your own Pokemon it will show level, and all the attacks it can and will learn. However some Pokemon may still learn moves that they shouldn’t, due to their personalities.”

Blah Blah Blah. Professor Birch seemed to have forgotten that they had learnt all this the day before, at Pokemon School. A very boring day at Pokemon School.

Seemingly oblivious that my attention was wandering, and of the fact that the most powerful trainers ever were almost outside, he carried on at a more, leisurly pace.

“So anyway, the best way to find out would be if you tried it out for yourself.”

As he said this he groped around in a muddy white great coat that he seemed to be wearing constantly. He probably wore it as he slept. Suddenly out side there came the noise of children’s hysterical screaming. I couldn’t believe that once I would have once been like that. I was much more mature now, of course, than screaming ten year olds. I was twelve, almost an adult.

Professor Birch seemed to have finished searching for my pokeball (having realised that it was on the table beside him), and promptly handed it to me.
I still felt weird, even after years of handling Pokemon at school, the fact that here was a Pokemon, all bundled up in a tiny ball. But this was no time for fears. This was the start of my Pokemon journey! I confidently let the ball drop from my hand, and out came the blue and pink coloured Pokemon, Porygon. Professor Birch was right. There was a rectangular shaped lump, on the end of its tail. I wondered how it would affect my pokemon. Maybe it would be super strong!

I had always thought that Porygons were weird though. For a start, if it was human made, why did they choose such a bizarre colour scheme?

“Hello Matt,” spoke a robotically generated, grating, voice, “I presume that you are my trainer?”

“Whoa!” I replied, “How do you know my name!”

“Your shirt is inside out, and I can clearly read your name label, Matt Thompson.”

Phew. That had given me creeps then. I could definitely sense a personality behind it’s words, but now was not the time to deal with it.
Outside I could here a sobbing mother pleading, but I couldn’t make out any words. It was cut off very quickly, and it made me wonder what she was crying about. I’d find out before I set off. Looking back at my Pokemon I reached for my pokedex to scan it, when I realised that I had never been given one.

“Erm, Professor?” I ventured. He looked at me blankly for a while, until he realised that he had not given me one and began the search once again.

Whilst I was waiting I noticed that outside the screaming had died down, until now it sounded as if people were whimpering. It really was strange how people had such strange reaction to famous trainers. Turning my attention back to Birch, I realised that he had found the pokedex. And it had been right next to my pokeball. As he handed it to me I silently examined it.

A light, creamy blue covered the most of it. However there was a red semicircle in the very top right corner, that looked as though it held cards. There was a small covering, and once I opened it I was confronted with what looked like a pocket calculator, albeit with a myriad of keys. Pressing what I presumed to be the on button (it had the letters O and N on it) it immediately sprang into action.

“Welcome. I am Dex version 6. You are Matt, Registered trainer No. 18344200. Please select an option.”

Pressing the button with Scan on it, I was taken to a dark red screen.

“Please scan a Pokemon Matt”

Pointing it in the general direction of my Porygon, it immediately bleeped.

“Porygon, the cyber Pokemon. It is capable of reverting…”

“Yeh yeh, I already know this,” I muttered as I pressed the skip button. “Here we go, Levels.”

“This Porygon is Level 5, and knows Tackle, Conversion, and Conversion 2. It is possible for it to learn, Agility, Psy”

I cut off the power quickly. Now really wasn’t the time, not with the elite four right outside! Professor Birch seemed to realise this too, and we both hurried outside.
Luckily for me, although I feel terrible saying that, he was a bit in front of me as we left the building. But I should have known that something was wrong. It was silent outside.

The professor ran out, crying “Sydney, Glacia, Pheobe, Drake! How excellent to see you again!”
However he was quickly cut off by Drake.

“Professor Birch. Father of Brendan Birch. You will come with us. Resistance will not be tolerated,” he droned.

“Wha, what are you talking about?” said the confused Professor.

“Resistance will not be tolerated,” and with that Drake manhandled him away. Unfortunately this left me alone with the three remaining Elite Four.

“Matt Thompson. You are unnecessary. You will be terminated. Glaile. Sheer cold,” droned Glacia. My mum chose this pint to run out of my house, screaming
“LEAVE MY SON ALONE! Just, just GO AWAY!” she sobbed, as she battered ineffectively against Sydney.

“Glaile. Redirect attack. Joanna Tomphson. Unnecessary civilian. Terminate.”

The pokemon in, Glaile, turned its attention from me, towards my mum. It began to glow a deep icy blue. Even from behind the radius of the attack, I was cold, so cold that I felt like I was inside a giant ice-cube.

But my mother drew the worst of it. And all I could do was stand there, sobbing, awaiting my death. But I was saved that day. A hand grabbed me from behind and an unknown voice whispered condolingly,

“Keep very quiet. Everything is going to be ok. Just come with me, that’s it, come back here. Now. Quietly. We’re going to run over there and hide behind that group of trees. Do you understand that?”

I nodded,

“But what about my mum?” I asked the stranger.

“There’s nothing we can do now,” came the whispered reply.

In the background, in a matter of seconds, Littleroot town had been destroyed.



Mawile XD
29th June 2006, 8:37 PM
I saw several grammer mistakes, but they're mostly in spelling. And also, I am beginning to like Porygon, so Matt getting a Porygon is pretty cool. Profssor Birch was a little hard to understand, but the chapter was fairly good. I'd rate it 7/10. Pretty good.

Mawile XD
29th June 2006, 8:40 PM
I saw several grammer mistakes, but they're mostly in spelling. And also, I am beginning to like Porygon, so Matt getting a Porygon is pretty cool. Professor Birch was a little hard to understand, but the chapter was fairly good. I'd rate it 7/10. Pretty good.

The Smore
29th June 2006, 8:48 PM
Ok (BTW you double posted but it was obviously a mistake). Proffesor Birch was ment to be a bit crazy, and added to this the excitement of having the elite four outside, I tried to make him hyper and excited. Probably did it wrong though :(

Hehe I never knew there was a filter ! (Sh*t to ****)

29th June 2006, 9:27 PM
kool a porygon, that is original i hate when trainers get something obvious, but not obvious at the same time like a ralts or eevee that is so annoying.
I like this concept though

The Pokemon Master
29th June 2006, 9:30 PM
Dear me, the Elite Four have truly lost their minds. Of course, that was the entire point of the original character's scene, but... I'm really feeling sorry for Birch and Matt's mom already. Sheer Cold is a painful way to go... But I wonder what's going to happen to Prof. Birch? Despite his airheaded nature, I hope nothing too harsh happens to him. He'll probably be brainwashed, too... *shudders* Looks like all the high-ranking people are due for a date with the Headsets... Wonder who the mystery savior at the end is? And Porygon for a starter is interesting as well. A little something extra, huh?

about the only thing that spoiled this Chapter a little was the grammar. Some of the paragraphs weren't quite spaced out enough (single space instead of double), and some of the punctuation was off, too. For example:

“Sorry. So… sorry I’m late... sir,” I panted.A capitalization error on the word 'sorry,' and an end-of-speech punctuation error (a comma is better for this sentence, since 'panted' is describing how the words were said). For the most part, though, it's little things like that, plus some spelling errors.

Overall, good job on this Chapter, though! Wonder what's going to happen next...

Until we meet again...

soul of legonds
29th June 2006, 9:41 PM
Well a good chapter indead. I must say the idea is original. One sedgestion, give a mood to the fic, you show a little of this but try and bring it out. And the word droned was slightly over used

The Smore
29th June 2006, 9:46 PM
Sorry, grammar and spelling really aren't my strong points :D I write it, and then I try, I really do to proof read it properly. But I usually fail. Glad you like the porygon starter - I wanted to add something different. Once again Pokemon Master you offer the only comment on mystery characters. but people who get kidnapped by the Elite Four aren't always for the most obvious reasons ;). Sheer cold as a death move I found the inspiration for from Hoenns Legacy. I won't post what happens though, incase some of you haven't read it yet :D


EDIT ~ Bring out a mood ? Could you explain that a bit ? And yes it is, but can you think of a robotic speech word? If you can I'll be more than happy to add that in. 'ank you.

The Dean of Suds
30th June 2006, 1:28 AM
Well, a chapter seems to have escaped without my notice! * reads* Hmm... spelling and grammar weren't perfect, but it is getting quite interesting. The airheaded Birch was funny, and the porygon idea was a good one. The chapter was written well, and I can't wait to find out who the stranger is. Sheer Cold though, never want that feeling. All in all, good chapter!
Over and out,;198;

soul of legonds
30th June 2006, 3:32 AM
Well here a a few, drawl, monotone, expretionless, and flat. And Mood add small touches, like for a dark time add things like dead leaves and branches on the tree. And put in a kind of rythem or felling to the words. Two good exampels: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=117611 and

Willow's Tara
30th June 2006, 3:54 AM
Okay well I thought this was opretty good, kept mre a bit hooked, 9I was writing my own story when I read yours)

The Smore
30th June 2006, 10:59 AM
Thanks for all your reviews.
Dean of Suds - Glad you liked it ! I wanted him to have an unusual pokemon :D
Soul of Legonds - I'll check those out, and thanks for the words! (BTW I'm going to join the alliance of fan-fic lovers)
Willows Tara - I know what you mean. Hoenn's Legacy keeps on distracting me

Thanks !


The Missing Number
1st July 2006, 6:59 AM
The first chapter wasn't as good as the prolouge, in terms of Spelling and grammar. However, the story was drawn out a bit more, and had more detail.
Overall, getting better - 9/10

The Smore
1st July 2006, 2:17 PM
Thanks bobbymoo, I know that the grammar and spelling was worse.

But don't panic! I've found a grammar dictionary! Huzzah!

So the next chappie should be a lot better in that respect

Unfortunately I don't have a lot of time this week, so it will take longer than usuall



2nd July 2006, 12:11 AM
Hmm, this sounds like an interesting plot. However, it seems a bit rushed in its execution.

Firstly, your spelling and grammar are rather shaky, and I recommend getting a beta-reader for that instead of sticking to a spellchecker. They can only get you so far.

Now, concerning the rushedness... things are just happening too fast. You could elaborate upon so much without making it seem too slow. It gets confusing when you suddenly mention servants coming in, some bloody laboratory, and then stop talking about it. Didn't the Elite Four react when they saw that bloody laboratory? Or were they facing the other way? If they were, tell us. Always tell us exactly what is going on.

Now... the "Resistance is useless. You will be terminated" thing is just way too cliché. It would be a much more realistic and sensible way to do it if you made them not talk at all except for giving their Pokémon commands. It's creepier, too - it's a bit hard to be 'afraid' of people who are droning something as ridiculous as "Resistance is useless. You will be terminated." I think it would also, for the same reason, be better to describe their voices as cold and emotionless rather than robotic.

Some of your sentences are a little choppy, jumping from one thing to something completely different and then back to the original subject... it seems odd. Another thing that would probably be better if you ahd a beta-reader.

It would be nice to see more emotion from Matt as he is about to be killed and then watches his mother being killed. He's describing it too objectively. This is first person; we should be feeling his fear and shock.

Other than that, not bad at all.

The Smore
3rd July 2006, 2:34 PM
Ok thanks. I'm looking for a proof reader, is there a thread somewhere where I can get one? I don't know many people who are good at grammar. I realised about the resistance is useless line (I just watched a Dr Who with the cyber men in :D). Next chapter should be better (I hope).

4th July 2006, 4:49 PM
Ok thanks. I'm looking for a proof reader, is there a thread somewhere where I can get one? I don't know many people who are good at grammar. I realised about the resistance is useless line (I just watched a Dr Who with the cyber men in :D). Next chapter should be better (I hope).
why don't you just put ''I am looking for a Proof-reader to help me with my fan-fic, if you can help me pleeeeeeeeeeease PM'' into your sig

The Smore
4th July 2006, 6:06 PM
Ok. Sapphire Persian is making an awesome banner for this, and I'll put it up with that.

4th July 2006, 8:29 PM
This is pretty good for a first fanfiction! Well done! =D

It really does have an interesting plot, with a lot of potential. Your use of first person is really good, and different perspectives are always nice. :) Like others have said, it would be much better if you added more emotion as he watched his mother's death, and awaited his own. I would imagine that time would seem to slow, the character going into great detail as the fatal attack happened. Describe his dispair, make it feel as if it was happening to us. Jerk our heartstrings a little. XD

Again, this is very good for a beginner fanfic. Keep up the good work! =D