View Full Version : .a thief tail.
26th June 2006, 10:00 PM
tuesday june 27, 2006
Well, I have started work on part b. I will have it up hopefully tomorrow. Also, After i get through with all 3 parts, I will redo each of them to make them longer, better, and cooler. :D
monday june 26, 2006
PART A UP!! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=3544113&postcount=6)
Well, I got part a done and had to read through a few *rude* replies. Maybe after reading part a they can lay off. sheeze. In the first news post, I posted a little prologue thing. THIS WAS NOT A REAL PROLOGUE (omg) IT WAS JUST SOMETHING FOR PEOPLE TO READ WHILE THEY WAIT FOR ME TO PUT PART A UP!!! Which took me awhile to write and revise a few times. People need to give others a chance before they start bashing and not thinking. :[
monday june 26, 2006
Hello! This is my fan fic that I hope to get completed... This story will have three parts (1, 2, and 3). I am going to post each part here and hope to get some feedback. I have been writing for awhile and most of you can find my other stories with the search bar. All my other stories died out and should be at least a decent read. Thanks, and I hope you enjoy my story. Please leave your comments here and not in PMs. Also, if you do decide to read my old stories you will notice I have developed A LOT in writing. I am much better than before... :D Oh and I also added a small little banner in my signature that links to this page... Hope you like my sad depressed little aipom... LOL
This is just a simple little (crappy) prologue for you to read while I work on the first Part. I'll have it up later tonight... Thanks for reading!!!
.small little (crappy) prologue.
This story is about a boy and his aipom. This boy is in his early teens and prefers to be called Klef. His aipom is very sneaky, so Klef calls her Tis. It's set way back in the past in a town called Rhine. Rhine is very small and is the resting spot between two towns mainly for trading goods. In the center of this small town is a large market full of different foods and clothes. In this time, Most people pay little attention to the creatures living beside them because the goal is to stay alive, not to waste time playing with monsters.
Klef hates Rhine, he was abandoned as a child in Rhine and has no money whatsoever. He is forced to live in a deserted tower that overlooks the entire town. Klef and Tis stay alive on what they can steal in the town. Tis was living in the tower by itself because it was casted out of the pack of aipoms that live in the neighboring forest. Klef and Tis are one of a kind, very unique and smart but left out of society and shunned from their families as they try to survive on what they can steal. This story, is about their journey together. They will face many obstacles and fight many foes together... as a team... and most importantly... as friends.
The Dean of Suds
26th June 2006, 11:08 PM
It could be a lot longer, and it was more of a description than a prologue, but I have to see a real chapter before I can critique you.
Over and out,;198;
26th June 2006, 11:20 PM
Thanks for the post.... I guess?
I am about half way through the first part.
I'll most likely have it posted later tonight.
27th June 2006, 12:27 AM
Psst, that's not a prologue. That's a summary. Prologue's are kind of like introductions to the story. They tell what's going to come or at least foreshadow it. Maybe write about why they outcasts and then get into the fic as the prologue (don't explain it, describe it). Something before the actual fic begins. Or how Tis came. Or something.
Try again? =3
27th June 2006, 1:37 AM
You know when you say it's a crappy prologue I guess you're right.
I'm thinking this was written in the reply box which I don't think this is allowed. You didn't work on this much and all you did is a summary AT LEAST ADD A PROLOGUE NEXT TIME!
I suggest you read the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread and try again.
I rate this 0.5/10
27th June 2006, 1:39 AM
So simple yet complex in all it's diversity, is a boy and his dream. It can carry and push him through unimaginable things, dangerous and painful times, and in some cases horrific nightmares that will haunt him through the rest of his turmoil days. This interesting, sad, lovely tale is about Klef. A simple poor thief who lives away from confrontation and emotion in an ancient, dirty tower that overlooks the town of Rhine as the moon floats behind. Klef has but one friend, a small dirty monkey that he calls Tis. Together they steal what they can and live as free as possible. The guards chase them through the town, behind homes, and even sometimes in the forest east of Rhine but Klef doesn't care. He doesn't care that his life is miserable, that he is sad and most definitely alone, that he knows in the back of his mind that one day he will die alone and cold. He doesn't care. He doesn't have time to care.
The gold sun crawled over the hills in the forest and it's golden rays splashed through the hills and onto the wooden walls of Rhine. An old man with a shiny rusty scimitar at his side stopped at the gate. He placed the handle bars that were attached to his cart that was full of fruits down onto the ground. The man then yelled at the top of the gate "Hey!! Watchman!! I need to get in!!"
A young boy woke up from his snooze and jumped out of his chair. He grabbed the dirty little rope that was dangling and smashed it next to a bell. The watchman then yelled "Open the gates!!" As the gates swung open the sun's rays poured into a small, but bustling city. As the man picked his cart up and continued to walk, the watchman yells back "Sorry!" The man tipped his hat to the watchman and strolled his cart into the market to set up and hopefully make some money to live off of.
"Ok Tis. I need you to walk up to that old guy and scream at him." Klef whispered to his little pink simian at his feet. The Simian nodded it's little head and crouched down. It scratched it's head and ran into the bustling street of moving carts and kids running around. She ran through carts and peoples feet to make it next to the old man. She stood up straight and screamed at the top of her little lungs. Klef crawled up next to the cart and reached up to a shiny red apple that was just conveniently sitting on the edge. The man was trying to understand why the little monkey was screaming. As soon as Klef grabbed the apple he whispered "Tis!" and Tis stopped screaming and she darted past the man and his cart. "Good job, girl!" Tis said as Klef bit the apple in two. He handed her a piece and they both ate.
Klef laid his head back on the wooden wall. "Tis... I wish I knew who I was, you know? Like, where I came from." Tis looked up at him as he spoke. She felt the same way, she was just like him. "Maybe one day we can leave Rhine... and travel together." Klef pulled up his tan sleeve and looked at the mark on his arm. It was a symbol, similar to an eye with a star as it's pupil. Klef remembers when it was burnt on to him, the smell of burning flesh and his screams. He was just a toddler then. He never knew why he had this mark but he was the only one who knew about it, besides Tis of course. "I want to know why I have this mark. Maybe it can help me find my life and maybe my family." Klef said as a small tear rolled down his cheek.
It was night and the bright moon rolled down the sky pushing little stars out of it's way. The trees swayed as cold night air ran through them. A whistling sound was heard from the top of the tower, Klef hated that but Tis didn't mind. Klef looked out the window into the starry night. His face was blue and his dark gray eyes shimmered in the light. He thought to himself about what he is and what is his purpose is and more importantly why can't he be with his family? Klef was getting hungry, so he decided to wake up Tis. "Hey, c'mon. I'm starving... you?" Tis nodded with a reply and hopped onto his shoulder. The both of them climbed down the long and twisting stairway down the Tower and into the cold blue street. A small faint yellow light was bouncing toward them down the street. Klef gasped as he slid back into the Tower. It was Jull, the head guard and at his heels was his obedient canine. A small tiger-like puppy with a small mane under it's chin. Jull was an ogre-ish man with broad shoulders and a fierce glare. He carried a torch with him while he roamed Rhine and searched for thieves. Klef knew not to mess with him because if caught stealing you could lose a hand! As Jull past the tower, Klef eased on out and darted into an alley between two houses. Klef heaved a deep sigh as he said, "Thank goodness Jull didn't see us!" From behind the home a soft voice was heard, "Us?"
Klef walked through the alley so he could see who made the sound. It was an old woman. She had long gray hair and wore many beads. "You said something?" Klef asked her. The woman turned around, she was picking peaches from a tree.
"Yes, I heard you say us, but now I see you were talking about your pokemon. That young female Aipom." The woman replied. Klef looked stunned. "Oh, I am sorry... I didn't properly introduce myself. My name is Amola. I am from the north in a large city called Kalth. What is your name, boy?"
"Oh, I don't know my name. But I like to be called Klef."
"I see. Why do you call yourself Klef?"
"Well, when I was a boy here in Rhine, I was caught stealing and a man grabbed me and branded me with this symbol. He said, 'I was a dirty Klef-' and I can't remember what he said after that. The only thing that I could use to find my real family is this..." Klef lifted his sleeve and showed her the mark on his arm and Amola gasped.
"That is the mark given to the members of The Knights Guild in Kalth." Klef was interested and had a look of wonder on his face. "See, before Kalth was destroyed about a decade ago, The Knights Guild were people who traveled around and searched for pokemon and trained them. They used their pokemon to fight the bad people who lived in this world. I guess you were born into the Guild and were branded."
"Well, why was Kalth destroyed?!!" Klef replied.
"A man went crazy, and used his pokemon to destroy the town."
"That's sad... I wish I could find one of them and maybe find my family."
Amola looked touched. "You know... There might still be some out there. Maybe you should go searching for them. I know a man who lives in this town who is still a Knight. Maybe he can help you find your family." Amola gave Klef and Tis some food and the directions to this man's house. Klef decided at sunrise he would go find this guy.
The next morning, Klef leaped out of his bed which was made of straw. He snatched up Tis who was still asleep and bolted down the stairs. As he reached the bottom he saw Jull and three guards down the street. From what Klef could barely see, he realized there must be some kind of guard meeting. Klef jumped out of the doorway and leaped across the street into the town's pub. Jull caught sight of this and ran into the pub a second later. "Klef I know you're here!! I am going to catch you this time!" Klef was hiding under a table and whispered to Tis, "I want you to bolt for the doorway and when you get out run as fast as you can to the peach tree where we met Amola." Tis nodded her head as Klef eased his hand on up to the table and grabbed the mug sitting there. "Go!" Klef told Tis and she took off. "THERE YOU ARE!!" Jull yelled as he tried to snatch Tis, but she was too quick. Jull followed her to the door but didn't see which way she went. As he turned his head back into the pub a cold icy beer mug slammed into his cheek and Jull fell back and hit the ground. Klef ran over him and as Jull was just starting to get up, Klef told him, "You will never catch me you idiot!" And Klef ran off laughing.
At the Peach tree Tis was waiting while hanging off a branch with her fingered tail. She covered her mouth and giggled as Klef ran over to her. "Great job!" Klef told her as he caught his breath. Klef looked at the directions he got to find this man who was a Knight. He lived just outside the market which was about 5 minutes away. klef grabbed Tis down from the tree and took off for the market. Within minutes he arrived. Klef went up to the door and knocked on the dusty old wooden door. The knocker was silver and carved with the symbol of an Eye. The door slowly unlocked and the door opened as a warm rusty smell poured out.
.......to be continued.
27th June 2006, 1:42 AM
A little better than the prologue. You've got the paragraph's set up correctly and did this better than the prologue.
27th June 2006, 1:59 AM
It wasn't a prologue...
Just read what I said in the news. :\
27th June 2006, 2:47 AM
I like it. The way you describe things is really good. Expecially this sentance, "It was night and the bright moon rolled down the sky pushing little stars out of it's way." and this one, "The gold sun crawled over the hills in the forest and it's golden rays splashed through the hills and onto the wooden walls of Rhine."
I like your writing style a lot.
For improvements, I think devoloping the character Klef a bit more. I don't know, for some reason I just don't really see his personality, but this is probably because he doesn't interact with people too much in this chapter.
Also, there are two things I noticed. One, how does Jull know Klef's name? And two, I don't really get this sentance, "As he turned his head back into the pub a cold icy beer mug slammed into his cheek and Jull fell back and hit the ground." Someone hit him with a beer mug?
Reminds me of Aladin a lot, but I'll be reading up on this =) I like what I've seen so far.
27th June 2006, 3:06 AM
Thanks for the compliments. And I just noticed this is similar to Aladdin. lol. Oh, and I will develop Klef and Tis a lot after they get out of Rhine!! :] This was more of the introduction to his life kind of chapter. Jull knows Klef becuase I hinted they have a past together. Like right here, Jull says "Klef I know you're here!! I am going to catch you this time!" Basically Jull has been on the search for Klef for some time. Also, Yes, someone hit Jull with a beer mug. It was Klef. See, right before that, Klef grabbed a beer mug. His plan was for Tis to get Jull distracted while klef hits him upside the head with a mug. :D
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