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Yami Ryu
27th June 2006, 3:33 AM
I thought I'd lost this, really I did o.o this is one of those stories of mine that I like, no matter what anyone says. It's old too, and wasn't sure if my style could go into this again as my writing seems to change/phase about. But I was surprised when I leapt right back into things with the unfinished chapter two- after some small edits.

Anyways: Here's the Prolouge and the first chapter. Rating is PG-13/R, mostly violence, language, etc like that.


And yes I know the title probably sucks :/ never was good with them to be honest. And don't be afraid to point out typos. :x God knows I can't find most of the ones I make. Try to get most but yeah they still hide.




Prolouge

Pain. That was the first thing the girl remembered. But this was unlike any other pain. It was a constant dull aching throb of knives and pins. No matter what she did, the pain stayed with her. And what caused the pain was changing her. Her once dull brown hair was turning silver at the roots. Eyes once bright brown and full of life were greying around the edges as a ring of silver was growing around her pupil.

She shivered, as if cold. But it was only in an attempt to push the pain away. To throw it off, but it stuck like glue. She would have gone mad if it wasn't for him. He had already been changed. And at first hadn't cared about the shaking form. And then slowly had opened up over the course of a year. But the young girl still was wracked with pain.

And now, finally, the boy was trying to help. A hand swept back her hair and a cloth was used to wipe her forhead. Which was akward as she was curled up in a fetus style. Words were whispered, nonsense usually, but it was comforting. The soft droning words faded as the young girl slipped into a fitfull slumber.

The boy sighed, keeping one hand on the girls head as he stopped trying to dry her forhead. He knew how bad it had been at this stage. And he knew most others hadn't survived. He barely had, but that was mainly due to being the first one to be changed. And with how things were going, the girl was the last. But the people in white didn't care. Two specimiens alive and with minds was more than enough.

The child knew this thing was something out of science fiction. This shouldn't be possible. But his liquid gold eyes and dirty gold hair proved otherwise. As the other's soon to be silver/white hair and silver/grey eyes.

And already, they had been given names. And not numbers. He formaly had been Zero Zero One, while the girl was Zero Thirty Eight. He was now Phoenix, while the girl had been dubbed Drake. He wasn't sure what they had been turned too, but it was like he was a new person. He was immune to fire and heat, he couldn't be burned. Although water scared him. More than anything. Even a glass of water caused him to act with caution.

But he wasn't alone in this anymore....




Chapter One



"Phoenix, are you sure we should do this?"

Phoenix scoffed at his sister's question, burning gold eyes filled with hatred at the thoughts of others in the hide out of Team Snaggem. "Yes. They were going to get rid of us, so we should do the same to them."

Drake shot a look out the window, the moon hung over the land and helped cool the heat from the previous day. Infact helped it so much there was frost forming on the window. It was like a freezer out there. But like her brother with fire, she was immune to the chill. It was the day she feared, the heat got to her like any normal human being. "Do we have to do it tomorrow?" She whispered. Clearly afraid to be caught out in the open, underneath the sun. Phoenix hesitated, then answered. "Yes, it has to be."

Drake turned her eyes from the window, and caught her brother's gaze. "I'm scared Phoenix." She said simply, and it showed clearly in her eyes. But Phoenix was there, and he wouldn't let anything harm his sister. "Don't worry Drake, I won't leave you behind."

Drake bit her lip before nodding. "Alright, but what can I do? I have no pokemon..."

Phoenix patted her on the shoulder. "Let me worry about that. All I need you to do is take my bike out now, and wait untill the morning for me to come." Phoenix knew how much she hated being alone. She clearly balked at the idea, slumping her shoulders and trying to look pathetic, but Phoenix didn't budge and Drake gave in, finally. "Alright.... just... don't leave me..." Drake said softly, taking the keys from Phoenix, only to be drawn into a hug when she went to leave. "I won't abandon you, sister." Drake clutched at her brother before he let her go. She stared at him, and then turned and left. Heading quickly for where his bike was.

Phoenix watched her go before he turned and walked down the hall. Heading to a few places this night, as he had a surprise for the humans here...


-

Gonzap was going over some plans, they were going to hit Phenac city today. And with the new snagging machines, nothing would stand in their way. Smirking, he stood up as some of his underlings flocked together in little huddles, talking excitedly over this new plan.

And then their world exploded as the hide out shook from a massive sound of thunder. Grabbing his desk for balance, Gonzap roared in anger. Who had dared tried to attack them!?

Then a grunt by the name of Wakin appeared. "Sir! Sir! It's Phoenix! He's-" He was cut off as another explosion rang out in the base. And Gonzap all but exploded. "Get Him!" He roared, charging out of the room with a few lackies in tow while the rest stood stunned. Then quickly charged after their boss.


-

Phoenix laughed as he escaped through the hole in the wall, Espeon at his heels. The newer snagging device was clutched in one hand while in the other he held a silver cylinder. Giving a sharp whistle, the Espeon charged ahead at the vocal command from Phoenix as they rounded a slight corner. Behind him, Phoenix heard Gonzap's bellowing and he grinned, getting ready to press down on the red button.

"Catch!" Phoenix called out to Drake, startling her awake with a snort. Catching the object thrown at her, Drake looked at her brother with confusion clearly written on her face. "Brother?" She queried, but he ignored her question as he quickly recalled Espeon and jumped onto the bike's seat. Gunning the engine as he turned the key's, coaxing the machine to life as he turned the ignition. With a gutural roar it thundered to life and Phoenix took off. Only now pressing the red button, which caused the bomb to explode, gutting the entire building, and would have killed anyone if they were left inside.

Phoenix grinned evily. They should have been greatful that he had Drake for a sister. If at all, as he hadn't wanted to see her get upset over their deaths. Glancing over at his sister, he watched at how she was squinting even now in the early morning sun, and it'd only get worse as the day progressed. Carefully he rached up and grabbed the visor from his head, and passed the silver colored object to his sister. It'd fit her coloring better than him anyways.

He could barely hear her thanks over the roar of the engine as he focused on driving towards the nearest place; The Outskirts. It was a stand made from an old Train's engine and a couple of car's attached to it. From there him and his sister could get enough supplies to head to somewhere else.

"Phoenix?" Drake called out the question. And this time her brother responded.

"Go back to sleep Drake, it's gonna take a few hours to get there."

Drake was silent before agreeing with her brother and settled down into the side car, one hand clutching what her brother had thrown at her while the other curled underneath her head as a makeshift pillow.


-

Several hours later, and Phoenix had made it to the stand. It'd take the others from Snaggem atleast a day to reach this place, as most, if not all of the newer vehicles were destroyed. As he slowed the bike down, and ignoring how he was slowing the bike down. As the motercycle could take it. Even if it was the engine taking the brute force. He reached over and grabbed the snagging device from his sister. She grumbled and searched for it, and started to wake up.

"Whaszit?" Drake grumbled out as she tried to wake up. But unlike Phoenix, she was not a morning person, and took a good five minutes to wake up on a good day. Her answer was Phoenix throwing his coat at her. A muffled yelp of surprise came from underneath the blue and black fabric as his sister acted like she was being attacked, called out for her brother while trying to find the way out.

Laughing at her child like antics, Phoenix carefully slid the device onto his left arm. Leaving his right free and more maunuverable. Hissing slightly as the blue and red item settled onto his arm and locked itself there. Pressure came from where the silver spot on it was situated. And then finally it felt like an extra addition to his arm. Slightly bulky, but now pretty much as move-able as his arm had been before the snagger device had been attached. Which was saying alot as the device had been like solid rock in trying to move it.

Phoenix took his coat back and stared at it. Ignoring the angry look his sister shot him, Phoenix ripped the left arm of the cloak off and pulled it on. Just able to get the snagging device through the arm hole. But he knew it would never have fit in the sleve of the shirt.

Drake sighed, shaking her head. "And another coat ruined..." She murmured, forgetting her anger at him for now as she slowly got out of the side car, following after her brother as he headed for the stand a few hundred feet away. Pulling the silver visor down tighter around her eyes, she tried to ignore the heat that seemed to try and wiegh her down. Drake mad a sound in the back of her throat, but Phoenix chose to ignore the whine. She always did this when outside for too long. It was part of what made Drake, Drake.

Their boots crunched loudly over the sandy terrain as the duo approached the store. Or rather, the old style train engine. A few vehicles were parked infront of the establishment, and in the back of one, Drake noted as she passed by it after her brother, was a sack that seemed to wiggle slightly.

Creeped out by the sight, Drake sped up and almost slammed into her brothers back as he waited for two others to pass down the ramp. He didn't even flinch as his sister slammed into him, or move for the matter.

Gold eyes trained on the two figures. He had seen the before. Phoenix was sure of it. The one in the lead; a blonde guy wearing sunglasses, a black sleeveless shirt and cargo pants. He was talking about something they had aquired somewhere when the guy following the blonde guy, having heard the collision and turned his head. And caught sight of Drake as she came out from behind her brother, rubbing her head from the pain of slamming into his back. Which meant she didn't see the leer in the eyes of the wierd hat wearing teenager. Or the way her brother shifted infront of her and to the side, his eyes all but holding the glare for a challenge at his actions. The grey haired boy seemed to cower a moment before straigtening his back and turned... swiftly following his fellow to the green truck like vehicle.

Phoenix watched them for a moment as they drove off quickly, and then turned to his sister. "Drake."

"Yeah?"

"Don't leave my sight."

"... okay..." Drake said, confused by Phoenix's words as he grabbed her by the wrist and slowly walked inside the stand. Fuming about other males. He knew that they looked ‘exotic’ thanks to their coloration of hair and eyes, but that didn't mean he liked it when the female snaggers oogled him, or the males oogled his sister. But atleast there, they knew not to try and do anything. The first and last one to do that had to make a living someplace else. As the loss of a hand severaly hampers stealing. And the warning was clear to them all. Any body part that touched his sister; gets cut off.

The screams from the terror filled idiot had helped drive the threat home. Even to Gonzap.

Drake let herself be dragged into the store, and then over to the counter. The man eyed Phoenix as he himself was eyed. "Are you wearing an apron?" Phoenix demanded, eyeing the choice of clothing on the man. He recived first silence, then a hearty chuckle as the man regignised Phoenix finally before saying: "The usual?"

"Yeah." Phoenix muttered, grabbing a wad of cash as five canteens, a pack of rations for humans and pokemon, some healing items and a pack of poke`treats were placed on the counter. slamming the money down, he grabbed one of the canteen's, and the other stuff while Drake settled for the four other water containers. Not voicing anger at not having anything else to carry as the water was for her, really. Grabbing the lid of one she made to drink some of it but was halted by her brother as he shoved his canteen at her. "Don't waste your water."

Nodding, she re-capped her own canteen and placed it with the others as she followed her brother out of the train engine, neither hearing the news report that flashed on the screen.

Gulping the water down greedily, Drake eyed their surroundings as Phoenix mused on what to do. "Where should we go?" Phoenix asked aloud to no one really. Drake wasn't listening to him. Her mind had travled back to the sack in the back of the green hover car. How it moved...

"Phoenix." Drake started, pulling the canteen from her lips as she re-capped it, having drank her fill. Her taller brother turned, taking the offered item back again as he continued to stare at her, waiting for her to continue. "Why don't we go to Phenac?"

Phoenix toyed with the idea and then relented. "Alright. Phenac it is." He said, making his way to the bike. Drake followed along behind him, trying to ignore the heat as it bore down on her. Knowing it was only going to get worse as the day wore on. A sudden gush of sand from the far left broke Drake out of her surroundings, and she turned her attention to it for a few moments as more sand seemed to gyser up into the air for no reason before she finally pointed at it while saying: "Phoenix, what's that?"

Phoenix looked to where his sister pointed. "Hm ... seems Gonzap was a slight exagerater... those are Trapinch, Drake. You know, you've seen one that I snagged a year or two ago."

"... that squat little reddish bown thing with the giant head?"

Phoenix nodded his head. "Yes. That was a Trapinch."

"Wierd..." Drake murmured as she walked over to the side car, and climbed in it as Phoenix started to turn the ignition. A few seconds later, the giant bike was roaring to life and with a bang of sparks and smoke, shot off towards Phenac.

shadowlight
27th June 2006, 3:51 AM
This is great
I can't wait for the next chapter

FusionSonicX
27th June 2006, 6:12 AM
Yami Ryu, I must say - that despite that recent fights we have gotten into - this is actually very good. The description was good. The characters were good. And most of all, this looks promising.

HarleyScarow
29th June 2006, 12:24 AM
Believe it or not, I agree with him. It is good, a 360 degree turn from the way you treat some people.

Yami Ryu, I must say - that despite that recent fights we have gotten into - this is actually very good.
So I can easily see I'm not the only one who gets into fights with you. Guess you must have a lot of disputes, right?

Lady Myuu
29th June 2006, 4:30 AM
... ok people, I'd like to point out that these posts above didn't relate to the story at all. o.o what kind of review is that?

'Oh wow you write good even though we don't get along!'


anyway...

I'm kind of out of it on this one, I really think you could have explained Pheonix and Drake a bit more as while I get they have unique colors, age wise and such I am completely lost on. Other then guessing Pheonix is the guy from the Orre games :P

I do like the whole 'This is MY sister' thing from Pheonix and the innocence of Drake. I have a hard time picturing Drake as a female as I am use to it being a male name XD but its fine.

My main beef is the lack of real character description, for awhile I had the two around 10-12 in my head and I had to jump it from like 16-20 or so. O.o got a bit confusing.

Plotwise its a little 'wow I have no real clue whats going on' but thats the first chapter, which means you aren't suppose to other then knowing the plot from the video game. So I can't comment alot of characters and such, I guess I like a real setting before I get pulled into the story, but thats personal opinion.

I do know how well you write and how you can set up a very good plot, so this is just the start and i may change my mind on it later. I see you got out of the chopiness I noticed awhile back, I think thats gone for good for now.

Anyway, yeah, interesting but not quite my cup of tea :P but being me I'll keep reading.

Yami Ryu
29th June 2006, 6:04 AM
Wow star abuse. Like flaming, without posting the flames to actually get caught. To do this, though, means my fic actually is grande :D or I was right and you were wrong and like an idiot of a spurned lover, the only way to get back at me is by mere irritating and pointless drivel.

Moving onto more important things than primodial ooze trying to attack me~


It is good, a 360 degree turn from the way you treat some people.
I don't know wether to be confused or insulted :/


I see you got out of the chopiness I noticed awhile back, I think thats gone for good for now.

Actually Myuu, I think the recent chopiness has been because my other fics well, weren't what I wanted to write. And because it seemed to turn out only you and Sandra were my real reviewers well, why dress the chapter up pretty when you most likely wanna see the end of the story quickly.

:x this is something I'm writing for me, like Angel vs Team Magma.

HarleyScarow
29th June 2006, 10:51 PM
I don't know wether to be confused or insulted :/
It doesn't mean you did anything bad or you flame people or anything, but naturally, critics get enemies, or you're acting like Drew. Even though you're not breaking the rules in any sense of the word- as a matter of fact, your purpose is to help them, but the truth is you treat people with honest and helpful words, showering them in a painful way.

chrisivy
6th July 2006, 4:35 PM
Wow... I think you did pretty good for a start.
I wish I became a good writer like you.

Yami Ryu
9th July 2006, 11:40 AM
Wobb: Still don't explain how my review style factors in to my writing style :/ just sounds like you wanted to start an argument or something. If you can't do me the common curtisy of a review, take your buisness elsewhere.

chrisivy: Same goes to you. Don't suck up to me :/ it does not gain brownie points for you, and it makes me hate you a little bit more. I don't like suck ups.

Anyways back on topic:

YES I FINALLY UPDATE. After what 2 weeks? >_> not that I have any real readers but eh. Who cares. I can fling Myuu at this :3

Rating PG-13 for some violence and an evil Steelix. Oh and language. Yes, language too.

Yes we jump right into the plot. Oh and towns/names/etc might be off a bit, as I haven't played Colo in a while, and I lost my Colo guide atm :/




Chapter Two

"Oh my god! Watch out!"

"I see it!" Snarled Phoenix as his sister screamed and cowered in fear as the giant iron snake screamed and rose up from the depths. Cursing, Phoenix swerved and was able to dodge the large tail as it crashed back down to the earth, earning another piercing shriek from his sister as he maunuvered around the Steelix as it roared once more.

"Steeeeraaaaaxuu!" The Steelix bellowed, twisting it's giant body around as it started to persue the humans.

"It's huge!" Drake cried out, eyes wide in fear and astonishment as she twisted around in the side car, knuckles white as she gripped the metal sides.

"I know." Phoenix spat out through clenched teeth.

"What did it eat, other Steelix!?" Exclaimed Drake.

"Most likely." Phoenix hissed as he gunned the engine, whishing he had the visor that Drake had slipped over her eyes, covering half her face. Squinting from the glare off the sands he half listened to Drake's comentary, atleast she'd be able to warn him if it did anything.

"Brother! It's opening it's mouth!" Drake paused and Phoenix waited for the next roar of anger to come and then Drake stuttered, and finally cried out in fear once more. "It's gonna eat us!!!" Drake wailed and Phoenix resisted the urge to tell his sister to kindly shut up so he could concentrate in driving.

Drake moaned and ducked down into the side care. Drake wanted to scream, and she was wondering why they were out here. The base had been safe. Enough. There had been no worries of heatstroke for her, or dehydration. Or a sunburn... or getting eaten by giant silver snake like creatures with spikes jutting out everywhere, and snaggly teeth that roared. Loudly.

Phoenix could feel the ground shake as the Steelix churned the desert ground, chasing after them. Sweat beaded upon his brow and dripped down, his pokemon couldn't handle something like this! What could he do? If he didn't do something, he and Drake would die...

Narrowing his eyes, Phoenix gunned the engine, forcing the hover bike to go even faster. Drake's whimpers were soon drowned out by the sound of the engine, and that of the Steelix barely twenty feet behind them. Then ten feet, untill it was almost on them and Phoenix knew they were going to die.

And then, he was proven wrong.

A stream of fire, atleast five feet in diameter came tearing over the air. Right over their heads almost, and into the Steelix's face. Screaming in pain the steel pokemon reared back. Only to get struck again. It's iron hide bubbled and started to turn an angry red in places and another exhoing scream of pain tore at the air with a ear splitting shriek. A third bolt of flame drove the thing off finally, and Phoenix saw their saviour. He(Phoenix assumed it was a he) was standing a few dozen yards from them, and a fire pokemon at his side. Dark sunglasses and a cloak just about hid him from view. And Phoenix wasn't able to get a good look at the fire type as it was recalled quickly.

It was then Phoenix realised he was still driving and heading right for the figure, and probably would plow into him if he didnt stop now! That and he was worried for his sister Drake, she'd fallen silent only seconds ago and he was worried about her. Slamming a foot onto the brake, the hover bike let out a massive groaning, obviously protesting to speedy stop it was having to do after going so fast. The young man feared it was going to break or something but slowly, it came to a screeching, groaning and sand ridden halt only a few meters away from the cloaked figure who hadn't moved the entire time from where he'd been standing.

After everything settled down, the person finally spoke. “I would suspect people traveling through Orre now a days would know about the dangers!” As it turned out, Phoenix had guessed right, the stranger was a man. “No one travels these parts anymore without fire types. What are you two, newborns?”

Phoenix scowled heavily as the man approached while carefully slipping a hand towards his belt to grab a pokeball containing Espeon or Umbreon. “We got a little lost, we're not children.” Phoenix snapped out, acid lacing the tone which only caused the man to chuckle as he came to a stop a few feet away before pulling the sunglasses off and allowing the cloak to fall from his shoulders, revealing a blue eyed, blonde haired human of seemingly average build. And a bit taller than Phoenix, bringing the man to around near six'six in hieght.

“Fiesty aren't you? Well could only expect that from you boy, you did end up being the most dangerous...” He turned his gaze towards the still somewhat cowering silver haired form to the right of the seething Phoenix. And he smirked. “Cowardly as always small one? It would have been too much hope to expect you to grow into a fearsome creature like your other.”

Scowling, Phoenix gave the man a look as if to say ‘shut up before I make you’ though he felt a stab of fear go through him. To be saying things like this, he had to have been with the scientists. He shifted, putting himself a bit more infront of Drake than beside her, and he knew silently that she was greatfull for this slight shelter from the man before them. “Hey,” Phoenix snapped out, interupting the man before he could continue to degrade his sister. “I have enough *** whooping ability for the both of us. So shut up and move along, mister.”

The man seemed about to say something, before it melted into a cruel grin. “Fine, I had been about to offer you, Phoenix, passage out of here. But instead I'll take your other!”

Phoenix all but roared out a ‘no you won't!’ as he withdrew the pokeballs containing his pokemon from his pocket. But he was too slow, and his attention wasn't on the right threat. From behind him, he heard his sister scream in fear as suddenly the sand underneath her gave out and seemed to swallow her whole.

“Drake!?” Phoenix cried out in alarm as his sisters' scream cut through his blind rage like a hot knife through butter. There was no answer, just disturbed sand in the wake of her disappearence. Whirling, he was about to demand the man for his sister back, but he too, was gone.

The golden haired boy fell silent, still. Unresponsive. Then let out a howl of rage and lust for blood. Phoenix was ******. He wanted his sister back! But he didn't know how to get her back…

Closing his eyes, he fell to his knees, dropping the pokeballs from his hands as he covered his face. He'd never failed before. And here, now. He had. It wouldn't have mattered really if it was a snag he'd lost a chance for. Or misplaced money. Phoenix had lost something valuable to him. His sister.

As if sensing their masters distress, the two red and white spheres started to shake like mad before splitting open- a red beam of energy burst forth from each one, only to shoot up into the air and fall back down with a sort of splashing action as it bubbled and frothed, taking shape of a creature with a split tail, two long ears with large tufts of fur underneatj each, an elegant body, dainty legs and large dark violet eyes. The creature was covered in lavender fur.

It's fellow, and brother also, formed not far off from it. Dark, jet black fur was only marred in a few places by deep golden rings along its ears, tail and shoulder blades. Its forhead also supported a ring in the same place his Espeon brother sported a large red ruby like gem. Long ears twitched and blood red and ocean blue eyes turned towards their master. And the Umbreon seemed at as much of a loss, as his Espeon brother. Their master was crying…?


-

“Let me go!”

Silence.

“Let me go please?”

Still silence.

Drake whimpered slightly as she felt blindly about the small space she was in. There was no windows, no door. Nothing. It felt like she was trapped in a box, and barely big enough for her to fit in without being squashed. Chewing her lower lip, she tried to comfort herself that atleast it wasn't hot, and that her brother would rescue her.

… right?

The droning noise that had seemed to be ever constant after she woke up, and after she calmed down from a panic attack, slowly dulled to nothing and the box she was in shifted, and signaled that whatever she was in had been moving, and was now stopped.

Silence once again.

No, wait. The muffled sound of speaking, and Drake reacted. Banging a hand on the box all ‘Help! Help let me out of here!’ For a moment she feared it handn't worked, but then, there came a surprised shout, and someone yelling now, closer to the box. Still it was hard to make out what anyone was saying. Then suddenly the box was shoved, started to tilt, and crashed onto its side. And a lid that had seemed hidden sprang open: letting in harsh sunlight that nearly blinded Drake thanks to the darkness she'd been in for so long.

She could clearly hear voices now, and the cry of some sort of pokemon. No, several pokemon. “Arg they're to strong we have to retreat!”

“But-” Whatever these two nameless and faceless people were arguing about, another yell of the pokemon- no, several of them. It had to be several, right- and they were running off it seemed. Drake stayed in the box, unsure of what to do untill someone approached, and knelt down. First, only a shadow blocking the sun came to her vision, but as her eyes adjusted. Drake could make out reddish orange hair, dark blue eyes and a concerned look on the persons face.

“Hey ... you alright?” The young woman asked before reaching in, offering a hand. Drake hesitated a moment before nodding her head slightly and took the hand, clutching to it like a lifeline. The red head flinched slightly at the grip before smiling a little and helped Drake out of the box. Wobbling a bit, she was offered help as the woman burst into a ‘woah, steady now!’ untill the silver haired woman got her balance back.

And Drake got to see what had been making the racket. It was a bird. A large bird. A bird supporting three heads on three long and gracefull necks, each head seemed to have a dominant expression, one was more joyfull and was squawking at the red head happily, another seemed to twitter with some morose and looked miserable. The middle head though, it looked enraged and well, if Phoenix ever became a pokemon, Drake knew it would be a Dodrio's middle head. All it needed was a wig, a visor and the ability to say something in a snarl.

A small, childish part of Drake now wanted to pet the fur like feathers the body and heads supported, or to run a hand over the beautiful pink tail feathers or plumage on the three heads. But she dared not- fearing the middle head, or worse all three would do to her what Phoenix does to those that annoy him.

As if sensing her growing fear, the woman coughed lightly, and turned to Drake. “I'm Ruth, and that over there is Pesky, Incompatent and Perk, but I call ‘them’ Pip, for short. And who might you be? And why were those two Raticates keeping you in that box?”

Drake hesitated, glancing to the woman that called herself Ruth, and after a few more seconds she finally answered. “My .. my name is Drake, and, and I don't know why those two people had me. The last thing I remember .. I was with my brother, and ..” Drake trailed off for a moment, not sure how she could go about explaining a mad scientist had kidnapped her. And decided to just change the subject. “I think we should get out of here ... where is here anyways?” Drake asked, a small quiver in her voice.

Ruth blinked a bit at this short, and very undetailed story before shrugging slightly, not about to press the poor thing for information. Gesturing with a hand a little, Ruth said with a bit of disdain, “This lovely junkheap town, is Pyrite.”

Drake was silent. And a bit pale. Pyrite was not a place to be. She remembered her brother being adamant that one time Gonzap had wanted to take the both of them here, and Phoenix had a fit. Then locked her in a closet all but yelling at her that he never wanted to see her in that hell hole, as he put it, ever.

‘... Phoenix isn't going to be happy,’ Drake murmured inwardly to herself.

“Hey, Drake was it?” Ruth said out of the blue, snapping Drake from her thoughts as she glanced quickly to the red head. “How about you stick with me untill we find your brother, ok? I'm sure Pip'll keep us both safe if those two rat types try to come back. How's that sound?”

“... it sounds fine.” Drake said and was about to continue, but she was interupted as Ruth grabbed a hand with a grin, “Well, Pyrite might be a junkheap but they do have a good store! Lets go check out some clothes, those sure look beat up girl!” And with that Drake was dragged off, and a somewhat squabbling Dodrio followed behind the two.

Haruhi Suzumiya
9th July 2006, 5:28 PM
wobbuffetds bears no hostility. There is no need for further dispute.

The story is...okay. It is not my type, I admit, but this can certainly elevate to new heights. (Also, prolouge -> prologue). Try revising, too. There were many dialogue/spelling errors. I particularly liked Drake; she shows the most characterization, in my opinion. Not much I can say right now...but please,

Do continue.

blazemxx
9th July 2006, 10:35 PM
Nice plot on the story with the use of vocabluary. But you made minor mistakes.


"Wierd..." Drake murmured as she walked over to the side car, and climbed in it as Phoenix started to turn the ignition. A few seconds later, the giant bike was roaring to life and with a bang of sparks and smoke, shot off towards Phenac.
Wierd should be weird.

And another in the second chapter.

A stream of fire, atleast five feet in diameter came tearing over the air.
Atleast should be at least.

But overall has a unique plot.

Sike Saner
16th July 2006, 7:57 PM
The title caught my interest since I like fics based in Orre, and when I read this, I found it even more interesting than I'd expected. What I really like about this is its originality - this distinguishes itself very nicely from all the other Orre fics I've read before, with nice touches such as the origin of the Colosseum main character and the presence of a sister for him. I like the cool sort of duality that Phoenix and Drake represent, too: gold and silver; heat and cold; etc.

Highlights, etc.:


A stream of fire, atleast five feet in diameter came tearing over the air. Right over their heads almost, and into the Steelix's face. Screaming in pain the steel pokemon reared back. Only to get struck again. It's iron hide bubbled and started to turn an angry red in places and another exhoing scream of pain tore at the air with a ear splitting shriek.

Ouch – I can really tell by reading that just how much that attack hurt the Steelix. I liked that. ^^ And yes, I’m aware of how sadistic that just sounded. XD


As if sensing their masters distress, the two red and white spheres started to shake like mad before splitting open- a red beam of energy burst forth from each one, only to shoot up into the air and fall back down with a sort of splashing action as it bubbled and frothed, taking shape of a creature with a split tail, two long ears with large tufts of fur underneatj each, an elegant body, dainty legs and large dark violet eyes. The creature was covered in lavender fur.

It's fellow, and brother also, formed not far off from it. Dark, jet black fur was only marred in a few places by deep golden rings along its ears, tail and shoulder blades. Its forhead also supported a ring in the same place his Espeon brother sported a large red ruby like gem.

Possibly the best description of Pokémon emerging from capture balls I have ever read. Espeon and Umbreon themselves are well described, too.



Cool, imaginative, and intriguing story you have here. I'll definitely be sticking around for more. ^^