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oreo754
29th June 2006, 3:32 AM
This is one of my first fanfics so its not that good just so you know. We'll here is the fanfic 1:00pm. Rated G. This fanfic is not a oneshot. Oh yeah and I do not own any characters in this fanfic.
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Characters:
Drew: 16 (Has the same clothes he wears in the show on in this fanfic.)
Misty: 16 (Has the same clothes she wears in the Pokemon Advanced shows on in this fanfic.)
May: 16 (Has the same clothes she wears in the show on in this fanfic.)
Ash: 16 (Has the same clothes he wears in the Pokemon Advanced shows on in this fanfic.)
Max: 9-10 (Has the same clothes he wears in the show on in this fanfic.)
Brock: 20 (Has the same clothes he wears in the Pokemon Advanced shows on in this fanfic.)
Mrs. Ketchum: 39 (Has the same clothes she wears in the show on in this fanfic.)
Daisy: 20 (Has the same clothes she wears in the show on in this fanfic.)
Lily: 20 (Has the same clothes she wears in the show on in this fanfic.)
Violete: 20 (Has the same clothes she wears in the show on in this fanfic.)

Send me a meesage if you need a beter descripion of how all the characters in this fanfic look.

Chapter 1

Right now this story is taking place at the 2nd Grand Festival May was in. May is a 16 year old girl from Petelburg City. She lives at the Petelburg Gym too. She is traveling with her friends Ash and Brock and her brother Max. Ash is from Pallet Town. Ash wants to become the worlds most greatest Pokemon Master. Brock is from Pewter City and he wants to become the worlds best Pokemon breeder. Max is a 9 year old boy and he is an expert on Pokemon. May wants to become the worlds best Pokemon Co-ordanater too.

"I can’t believe I lost! We’ll I’ll just train more for the next Grand Festival." said May sadly

*A few minutes later*

The crowd was screaming of joy. Drew had just won this years Grand Festival. Drew is a boy with green hair that also wanted to become the worlds best co-ordanater.

"Yes I won! After all these years of practicing, I finally won!" Drew said happily

"Wow Drew won. I’ll wait till later to congratulate him." May said

*2 hours later*

There was a party going on outside for the Grand Festival. May just stuffed herself up with food and then she noticed Drew was sitting on the beach. May walked down to Drew.

"Hey Drew what’s up?" May asked

"Nothing really." said Drew quietly

"We’ll I wanted to tell you congratulations for winning." May said

"Thanks." said Drew

"So why aren’t you at the party?" May asked

"I just wanted to sit down for a while and think." Drew said

"Oh." May said quietly

For the last 5 minutes Drew and May just looked at the beautiful ocean.

"We’ll I got to go now. See you soon. Take care. Bye!" May said nicely

"You too. Bye!" said Drew

*3 months later*

Ash, Brock, and Max were sitting down near a pond in the Viridian Forest. Then a few minutes later May comes.

"I can’t believe it! There are no more contests until next year!" May said angerly

"Why?" asked Ash, Brock, and Max confused

"Because all three of the judges won some kind of trip around Hoenn so they can't judge any Pokemon Contests here in Kanto." said May angerly

"Oh." said Ash, Brock, and Max

Then all of a sudden Brocks cell phone rang. Brock picked up his phone.

"Hello?" Brock said into his cell phone

"Hi Brock it’s me." someone said to Brock

"Oh hi my little sister. What’s up?" Brock said kindly

"We’ll we need you to come back home to run the gym again." said Brocks sister

"Oh ok. I’ll be there in a while." Brock said sadly

"Ok bye!" Brocks sister said

"Bye!" said Brock

"Who was on the phone?" asked Ash

"One of my sisters. She said I needed to come home to run the gym again." said Brock sadly

"Oh ok." said Ash feeling sad

"We’ll I got to go now. Bye!" said Brock

"Bye Brock!" Max, Ash, and May said

Brock went down the path way back to his house.

*The next morning*

"Oh yeah I forgot I turned 10!!!! I’m going to go home and then start my Pokemon Journey in Johto!" said Max cheerfully

"Wow that’s great Max." said Ash happily

"Yeah it is. I’m going to stay here in Kanto though ok Max?" May asked

"Yeah. We’ll I’m going to go home now." said Max

May hugged her brother.

"Bye Max!" said May kindly

"See ya soon Max! Bye!" Ash said

"Bye guys." Max said happily

*An hour later*

"So what do you want to do Ash?" May asked

"We’ll since the new Battle Frontier doesn’t start until a couple of more months we can do anything we want." Ash said

"Oh ok." May said back

Then all of a sudden May saw Drew walking along the path way to Cerulean City.

"Drew!!!! Hi!!" May yelled happily

"Oh hi May." Drew said calmly

"What brings you here?" May asked

"I was just on my way home." Drew said

"Oh I didn’t know Kanto was your home region." said May

"We’ll now you do." Drew said back

"Drew I know this sounds weird but………. Can I see were you live? There is nothing else to do." May asked shyly

"Um…………….. ok. Go to the Cerulean City Gym in 2 days at 1:00pm. I will have someone there waiting for you and they will bring you to where I live." Drew said

"Ok." May said happily

"I’ll come to so I can go see Misty again." Ash said happily

"Oh you’re the guy she’s talking about." Drew whispered.

"Did you say something?" Ash asked

"No. I’ll see you guys in a few days. Bye!!" said Drew kindly

"Bye!" said Ash and May nicely

"May let’s go stay at my house for a while. Till its time to go." Ash said

"Ok." May said back

Ash and May went to Ash’s house.

*A few hours later back in Pallet Town*

"Oh hi sweetie it’s so good to see you are home." said Mrs. Ketchum

"Thanks mom." Ash said

"Hi Mrs. Ketchum" May said nicely

"Oh its nice to see you here to May. We’ll what do guys want for dinner?" asked Mrs. Ketchum

"I want a hamburger please." Ash said

"Pika!" said Pikachu

"Oh and Pikachu wants some ketchup." Ash said

"I’ll have some macaroni please." said May sweetly

"Food will be ready soon." Mrs. Ketchum said

"Ok!" May and Ash replied

"Pika pika!" (Ok Mrs. Ketchum!) Pikachu said nicely

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Next chapter will be coming soon.

Jonouchi
29th June 2006, 3:34 AM
ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS!!! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19)

RULES!!! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=96993)

Read them well!

foxkitty
29th June 2006, 3:47 AM
I like it but..
1. Scripting itsn't allowed.

oreo754
29th June 2006, 3:57 AM
Ok I fixed up the story a little by adding more detail and stuff. I hope its better now.

Yami Ryu
29th June 2006, 3:58 AM
I like it but..
1. Scripting itsn't allowed.

Atually it is, but not half assed written in the reply box scripting :x As Junouchi pointed out. Read the rules and advice thread. AND ACTUALLY TRY NEXT TIME :/

oreo754
29th June 2006, 4:33 AM
Ok now I think the story has nothing wrong with it. If it does please tell me. I read the rules and advice thread just so you know.

Yami Ryu
29th June 2006, 5:08 AM
... :/ yeah you put in the barest ammount you could squeak by with.

Question: What do the characters look like?
Answer: Don't really know now do we? With how skimpy you left this area. AKA Description

You know I think you can get away with crappy shippy fics in the correct forum, but if you aren't going to do more then a less than half assed attempt for a story here, you should stop now while you still have some dignity. This story is bland as can be, the characters are as flat or flatter than your amazingly flat story. And if reading the advice and rules only got you barely following them to the barest of the bare basics for well, a bare fic. Then ... try harder or get outta the kitchen, mate.

oreo754
29th June 2006, 5:49 AM
If you don't remember this is one of my 1st fanfics so I'm not that good at writing them yet.

Yami Ryu
29th June 2006, 5:58 AM
The first fanfic excuse is getting old, lame and stale fast. Your sig 'banner' is also too big. Either cut it into two banners or three pictures, or ask someone to make you a legal sized banner.

Take your damn time and write them out on a word program and not in a reply box and you could take something crappy like:


"I can’t believe it! There are no more contests until next year!" May said angerly

"Why?" asked Ash, Brock, and Max confused

"Because all three of the judges won some kind of trip around Hoenn so they can't judge any Pokemon Contests here in Kanto." said May angerly

"Oh." said Ash, Brock, and Max

Then all of a sudden Brocks cell phone rang. Brock picked up his phone.

TO


"I can’t believe it!" Exclaimed a clearly aggitated May as she stormed and stomped about like a miniature storm before continuing in her rant, just about wailing it out from frustration and the unfairness of it all. "There are no more contests until next year!"

"Huh? Why?" asked Ash voicing his curiosity for this perdicament... out of 'hurricane May' range as Max and Brock wisely stayed well behind Ash, incase the rampaging girl went beserk or something. Though they looked as confused as Ash.

"Because somehow, all of the judges won some sort of expensive trip around Hoenn so they won't judge any Pokemon Contests here in Kanto, as they are all on vacation!" May huffed out in anger, crossing her arms as she scowled.

"Oh." Ash mumbled, trying to figure out how to calm the raging May, when their attention, or atleast the trio of boys, were brought out of the fear of the angry young woman before them as a tune started to play, sounding like 'I love you, you love m-' but it was cut off as Brock answered his cellphone in a rush, blushing from embaresment and quickly answered with a shakey, "Yes? Who is it?"

:/ see?

oreo754
29th June 2006, 6:33 AM
oh ok. Know I get what you are saying.

DunsparceGX
29th June 2006, 6:33 AM
Okay let me tell you somethin' I don't give a ****ing hoot if this is your first fanfic and don't say you're not good at writing them cause if you tried this could probably be a damn FIVE STAR FIC!

a few mistakes........

The description is horrible! All you said is they wear the same clothes they do in the show! What if the people reading this haven't watched the show! how the heck are they supposed to know! Also, describe the scenery they're in not just say it! like for example....

(Scenery)Example: Bob, Fred, and Derik were in a forest. <This=BAD!!!

(Scenery)Example: Nick and Sakura (not the Sakura from Naruto) sat on silver rocks watching an orange sun setting in the horizin painting the sky a brilliant, smooth red as the water shimmered lightly before them causing them to turn their heads and smile warmly at each other before looking back to the awsome displays that nature has to offer.( A scene from a story I'm thinking up.) now doesn't that make you actually feel like your there.

One more thing please actually read the threads Yami Ryu listed for you to the last period and try to do better!

EDIT: remember this is criticism

I'm out;249-d;