View Full Version : Silva and Krissie an unusual couple

29th June 2006, 8:56 AM
Silva (the guy from Pyrite Town in Coloseum) and Krissie (female protagonist from D/P) are boyfriend and girlfriend and own a pokemon daycare center which Krissie runs by herself and with her Wingull. While Silva battles to earn money to cover bills. Silva is a very good pokemon trainer and loves fire and psychic type pokemon, Krissie is mostly a beginner trainer since she only has a Wingull that her father bought her to protect her just in case Silva tries something. All of their adventures begin here in the Serebii Region.

Blackjack Gabbiani
29th June 2006, 9:27 AM
All right, I give. Where's the fic?

29th June 2006, 9:52 AM
I didn't really understand....I think...

29th June 2006, 11:37 AM
Episode 1 Part- Doing the Ralts! Part 1

The daycare is packed today, Silva. Krissie said. Wingull would you go see if the baby pokemon are doing ok?, and Feraligatr could you go see how the stronger pokemon are doing? Wingull and Feraligatr nod and head off to do their jobs.

Silva walks in. Hey K! How ya doin'. He walks over to Krissie and she puts her arms around his neck and his arms around her body and they kiss. So how much money did you make Silva? Krissie asked. Forget about that i'm going back to Orre!. Silv says. Orre?, but what about the daycare center? Krissie asks. Oh well I'll just send the money to you. Silva. No even if you do I still need help Wingull and I cant take care of all these pokemon by ourselves!. Krissie. ...fine then I wont go then! Silva. Fine. Krissie. Fine. Silva. He leaves and slams the door. Fine. Krissie slams another door. Part 2 is later today.

Blackjack Gabbiani
29th June 2006, 11:49 AM
Have you ever heard of the concept of puncuation? Things like " or , or anything?

Yami Ryu
29th June 2006, 2:16 PM
Blackjack, I bet this person hasn't even heard nor read of the rules for this forum :/


MegaMeow: Your 'chapter' is pathetic. Seriously and utterly pathetic. I bet you have no concept of real writing, and if you try to use the 'ZOMG MY FIRST FIC D<' excuse, I will shoot you. With my bazooka. Right in your head.

That is no excuse to be so pathetic, lazy and half assed with writing. So why don't you go read ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS and the RULES and when you actually can write something up in a word program that is not something to laugh at, come back and post here. Ok?

Pinecone Tortoise
29th June 2006, 3:42 PM
Episode 1 Part- Doing the Ralts! Part 1

"The daycare is packed today, Silva," Krissie said.

"Wingull, would you go see if the baby pokemon are doing ok? And Feraligatr, could you go see how the stronger pokemon are doing?"

Wingull and Feraligatr nod and head off to do their jobs.

Silva walks in.

"Hey K! How ya doin'?"

He walks over to Krissie and she puts her arms around his neck and his arms around her body and they kiss.

"So, how much money did you make Silva?, Krissie asked.

"Forget about that, I'm going back to Orre!" Silv says.

"Orre? But what about the daycare center?" Krissie asks.

"Oh, well, I'll just send the money to you," said Silva.

"No - even if you do, I still need help. Wingull and I can't take care of all these pokemon by ourselves!" said Krissie.

"...fine, then I won't go then!" Silva said.

"Fine," Krissie said.

"Fine," Silva said.

He leaves and slams the door.


Krissie slams another door.

And that is roughly how your story should look once you've changed it to comply with the rules of spelling, grammar and punctuation. ^^ It's not that hard, but if you're not familiar with how to do this yourself, just get a beta reader who is (beta readers proof read your chapters before you post them and can make corrections like the ones I just made). To get a beta, look for someone who clearly knows how to handle spelling, grammar and punctuation and ask them really nicely if they'd beta your story.

I know this sort of technical side of writing can seem a bit tedious, but what you've got at the moment is quite hard for your readers to understand - and if readers can't easily understand a story, they generally either plain ignore it or get frustrated at the time they lost on it. This is really hard on people who just plain aren't familiar with what readers expect of fanfics, but it's one of those things that you'll pretty much just have to work around. And don't worry - there's a lot of people on the forums willing to help new authors. Just ask around. ^^

As to what's actually making your story hard to read... there's a few things, but a major one is that there's not a definitive way to recognise which parts were speech and which parts weren't - with the quotation marks missing, the readers have to rely on the fact that you put 'Krissie said' or 'Silva said' or something similar after the speech. And towards the end, even though I'm assuming that the last part was speech as well, there wasn't even the 'said' to indicate the speech part. Although it's possible to understand the basics of what's going on, your readers aren't likely to be impressed when you're making them do the work that you could be doing as author.

See, at the moment, the core idea of the scene is relatively obvious but it's really hard to actually visualise what's happening. It's also pretty hard to get an idea of what the characters are like as people. Happily, there's a few easy ways to fill these holes.

First up - description of the scene and characters. Relatively simple strategy: when you say what a character's doing, try also saying how they did it or what it looked like. (eg: Instead of 'He leaves and slams the door', you could put 'He hesitates, then turns quickly on his heel and stomps out, grabbing the door on his way past and yanking it shut behind him'.) Putting this extra info in helps your readers to form a mental picture of what's happening - it can make your story seem more 'real'.

Next - tips for giving your readers a deeper picture of your characters. I personally like the method of describing characters through their actions. Adding little details about their mannerisms and the way they speak can build a really complex and subtle image of the character's personality. Things like frequent mentioning of how a nervous character fidgets or shifts in their seat can tell your readers what your character is feeling or thinks without saying it outright. Also, saying just HOW a character does certain actions can help, too. Like the example I gave above - the hesitation before Silva left helps to show he probably had more to say, but left silently anyway.

Anyway, you're probably getting the idea. Yeah, it's a lot to remember and put into action but then again, it'll help you fill a page in MS Word pretty quickly (and the rules say your next chapter has to be a page in MS Word, or you run the risk of getting this thread closed). So best of luck and fun to you! You've got quite an original idea here - but you'll need to go that bit further to spell out to your readers what's happening if you want them to stick around and enjoy. ^^ If you need a hand or if you want any of the stuff I've said here expanded upon or explained, let me know!


Shadows Follower
29th June 2006, 4:14 PM
Heheh, Yami Ryu and Pinecone Tortoise - complete opposites when its comes to reviewing.

Anyway, definately too short for either a first chapter or even a prologue. I'm most shocked in the fact you haven't used speech marks - they are a must. Apart from spacing, you really need to lengthen a post like this. There is so much you could have expanded on and added and maybe even a few story events etc. I would advise you either edit and make your first chapter better or close this down and start again. If you edit/start again, I'll come back and have a look and see if you've gotten any better.