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Markisious
29th June 2006, 9:57 AM
Well this is a story that takes part in my region Marp, with many pokemon that I made I up(I will try to scan and post them an other day). The main character is Jackson and his friends Silva and Andy.




Chapter 1
The Golden Hope





In the "Shield of life" a place where Pokemon and the Old family can go ,Sayretor , the gurdian of the spheres , just wake up when suddently noticed that the spheres were missing!

Sayretor: Oh!Where are the Spheres?If someone stole them that means that...that.... the world will...be destroyed!....................

While Sayretor was thinking he heard someone coming...

Sayretor: Who is there? Old Fand is that you?

Apron: Old pal Sayretor...How are tings going?

Sayretor: Apron! I should thought that it was you! Give me back the Spheres! You know that only the Old Family can active them!

Apron: Who said that? Come with me Sayretor and we will roule all over the world! Ha! Ha! Ha!

Sayretor: Never! Give me the Spheres!

As Apron and Sayretor were talking from the lake of the "Shield of Life" a Bookie showed up. Apron didin't noticed it .Bookie walked when he saw the spheres in a bag that was weard by Apron. Bookie thought taht was just rocks , beautifull rocks, and he took them. Apron noticed him and got really mad! He attacked to Sayretor with Paralyze Beam and paralyzed him and turn to chase Bookie but by the time he turned Bookie had already Jumped in the lake and left. Apron got really mad and shouded" Noooooooooooooo! I mustn't failed! "HIS" power can not lost! I must get them before the GUIRDIANS of the spheres realised what I done!"


Bookie continue his way in the water when his friend Wailmer showed up. Bookie gave him the one sphere as a gift. Wailmer thought that it was a candy and ate it. Bookie was ready to live when a Fansilk attacked with Hypnosis and stole the other Sphere! Fansilk got out of the water to give a better look at the sphere when a Crativo attacked with Wing Attack and took the Sphere. Crativo flyied to an old tower where he find his master, Old Fand.

Old Fand: Crativo! At last you came! Give me the spheres! Hm...........Wait a minute! Crativo where is the Silver sphere?

Crativo: Crati!Crati!Crativo?Vo?

Old Fand: Hmmm. That means that the world is in danger. We must find the other sphere before as the legend says , the 4 G find it.Oh, Crativo I think that we are not anymore safe . Come out Clefairy!

Clefairy: Clefairy! Clefairy!

Old Fand: Clefairy. Me and Crativo must find the Silver Sphere. Now I want you to protect this, the Golden Sphere , Here at the tower. If anything happens run away to the Fairy Land and find the queen and ask her for help.

Clefairy:Fairy!Fairy!Clefairy!

Old Fand: All Right then. Crativo we will first go to Cavern Pill because there is the first element that it must not wake up .

Old Fand and his bird pokemon Crativo left the tower and Clefairy the fairy pokemon stays at the tower with the Gold Sphere. What does these spheres hide and Old Fand fears of?

Yami Ryu
29th June 2006, 2:14 PM
... either stick to scripting or writing. Mixing both mediums is never good. And it just makes it seem you just do the half assed scripting. Did you also do this up in the reply box?

Also maybe if you took your time..


Apron became enraged over his name sounding like a thing a woman wears when cooking, and shouted out

I think that is a bit better than 'Apron got really mad and shouded', not only is shouded not a word.

Not only is this flat, rushed, and well basically bordering on being so bad it should just be closed, or maybe it already tilted and fell over that line and already is in that section, I bet you haven't even looked at the rules for the fanfiction section.

So I suggest you go, you read them. Then you take your little author hiney over to the Advice forum, and read what's there too.

And by god if you use the 'first fanfic excuse' I am going to have to hit you with a gold plated Magikarp.

katiekitten
29th June 2006, 5:19 PM
-.- I could have sworn they had an 'advice for reviewers' thread here at some point... I never thought I would have to say this here, in the fanfic section of all places. Turquoise Tauros, there is a difference between plain insults and constructive crit. Constructive critism is when you tell the author how to improve. Yami may be harsh, but she is still constructively reviewing, for she does give the author some tips.

Your 'review', on the other hand, doesn't look ANYTHING like a proper review. You 'inform' the writer that their fic is the epitome of rubbishness, the reason the word 'rubbish' was created, then for the other half of your pathetic post, talk to another person about something entirely different. It could have been done in PM, you know. .

It also feels that you are slightly, just slightly, trying to suck up to Yami and trying to copy her reviewing style. I am sorry to inform you, you kinda missed the point. XD

So please, take a look at some good reviewers such as Yami, Piney, and Hanoko, and take from their example on how to really review, instead of a bunch of insults that will either convince the writer never to try again, or start a flame war.

Thankies! =D



Now that is over with, to the story! =D


In the "Shield of life" a place where Pokemon and the Old family can go ,Sayretor , the gurdian of the spheres , just wake up when suddently noticed that the spheres were missing!

It looks like you are a little confused about commas. Commas don't have a space before them, they sidle right beside the word and have a space afterwards. =D

You also have left out a lot of crucial details here. What is the 'shield of life'? What are the spheres? Back ground history can be annoying, but it is needed. You can fill the readers in on it in many ways, you could use footnote, (not exactly advised. They annoy quite a few people) or incorporate it into the story somehow. If you are having difficulty incorporating it, just use footnotes or an interlued. (however you spell the thing. XD)

...If you will, can you drop the exclamation point? It just sounds... childish, in my opinion, but keep it if you want. =D

I agree with Yami on the script/prose thing. I'd advise you to take her advice and visit the stickies. If you get confused, just PM me and I'll help you along. =D