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Kikas123
29th June 2006, 9:32 PM
Rated PG14A (PG13) for Gun Violence, Coarse Language, other forms of violence

Please Review Construcivly, as this is quite differnt from Poetry.



Prologue
There once were two powerful civilizations, in a virtually perfect landscape, these civilizations were governed by two powerful legendary Pokemon, a Pokemon who was of the sun it’s self and made the crops grow, and the other of the water that was required for life it’s self. Peace reigned near a millennium, until one day, the two legends were disappointed by the humans’ distrust of each other, and their lack of contact. The legendaries threatened the people to be kind of each other, to tolerate each other, speak and learn, or they would leave them, and the valley would fall to waste. The people ignored the Legendaries plight and they continued in their ways of Ignorance. The Legendaries one day flew off to another land, and as predicted, the land fell into a state of decline, green plains slowly transformed into barren wastes where not a grain could grow, rivers and lakes turned into rolling dunes where not a drop of water could be found. The humans of the valley blamed each other for the misfortune, and went to war with each other, and the war lasted neigh a century, that we know of. After that period, all records of these people were destroyed. Now all that inhibits that Waste Land in the center of the continent are Barbaric Nomadic tribes. But there still was hope for mankind, there were other civilizations outside of the valley, these civilizations traded, learned and loved each other. A Legendary Creature also governed them; of fertility it’s self, Celebi. This civilization found many pokemon escaped the valley and inhibited the outlying lands, which border the ocean. What happened to these two desert civilizations, no one knows.

Chapter 1: Preparations

I looked out to the ocean, thinking that it might be a while till I see the majesty of the water crashing on the rocks again. Filling the last jug, I plod slowly to the fire outside my small house by the sea. It isn’t very big, but it does what I need it to do. It is mostly made of wood, concrete and stone; the wood is stained green by the salt from the spray of the ocean, mixed with the smoke carbon from the fire. The flooring on the bottom floor is dirt mixed with carpet, on the loft is just barely smooth wooding. The house looked like a solemn monument, on it’s lonesome on the cape, at least a mile or two away from the town of Maresille. Maresille is a small fishing port, but big enough for a form of government and a Hinterland. Most of the main cities of the area are small city States, but no one owns or wants to own the Desert or it’s nomads. I decided to go on a journey, and of discovery, to actually cross the desert to get to the other sea faring port cities faster, than going the safe route around the coast. The other reason was to meet more Pokemon, than our limited knowledge of the desert inhabitance. We know little of the monsters and landscapes of the desert because none of us have ever met the sand people, or all that have, died. I boiled the water that I collected from the sea, it frothed, and the water and the clear salt crystals separated, and I put both into their respected containers. Then I unhitched Stella, my Ponyta. Ponyta may not fare well in the desert, but it beats walking, but it cannot be beat in the mountains that surround the desert, and luckily it will evolve there into a Rapidash, they fare extremely well in the desert being purely of fire, they need little water, unlike Ponyta or Tauros.
I tied Stella’s saddle to her back, and hopped on her back, she whinnied, and I patted her head to calm her down, I had the feeling she was unsure of the expedition, frankly so was I. I felt relieved that at least some one was thinking about our safety, even if it was a Pokemon. I rode into Maresille, to the Blue Sea Inn, where my traveling partner, John was waiting for me with the rest of the supplies. I confronted the inn, but John nor Glenna, his trusty Dodrio, fast through the desert, but will stumble through the mountains, luckily she doesn’t need a lot of water, because we don’t have much to spare.
John walked out of the inn with two large Saddlebags, about the size of the saddlebags on Stella, and he attached them to Glenna, and then inquired, “So Mark, are you sure we have absolutely everything we need? I was just asked if they had any weapons that would be powerful enough to fend us from the human assaults of the Sand People, all I managed to get was a Rambo Gun*…” I cut in before he could finish “that’s a bad thing? A Rambo Gun is a frigging over sized machine gun, a Gat if you will!” Then he retorted “ no, there were no weapons for you, besides a puny Handgun, or a bow and arrow!” I then replied, “ are we just going to sit here and argue or are we going to get going?” We set out of Maresille at once,and looked back at the small town, before setting off for the mountains, and eventually the desert.

*Rambo Gun: a M60 Heavy Machine Gun, used in the movie Rambo: First Blood. (Movie Rating PG14A Canada [about PG13])

Pinecone Tortoise
30th June 2006, 3:15 AM
[SIZE="2"]Prologue

There once were two powerful civilizations in a virtually perfect landscape[B]. These civilizations were governed by two powerful legendary Pokemon - a Pokemon who was of the sun itself and made the crops grow and the other of the water that was required for life itself.

Peace reigned near a millennium until one day when the two legends were disappointed by the humans’ distrust of each other and their lack of contact. The legendaries threatened the people to be kind to each other, to tolerate each other, speak and learn... or they would leave them and the valley would fall to waste.

The people ignored the Legendaries' plight and they continued in their ways of Ignorance. The Legendaries, one day, flew off to another land and, as predicted, the land fell into a state of decline, green plains slowly transformed into barren wastes where not a grain could grow, rivers and lakes turned into rolling dunes where not a drop of water could be found.

The humans of the valley blamed each other for the misfortune and went to war with each other and the war lasted nigh a century, that we know of. After that period, all records of these people were destroyed. Now all that inhabits that Waste Land in the center of the continent are Barbaric Nomadic tribes.

But there still was hope for mankind - there were other civilizations outside of the valley. These civilizations traded, learned and loved each other. A Legendary Creature also governed them; of fertility itself, Celebi. This civilization found many pokemon, escaped the valley and inhabited the outlying lands which border the ocean. What happened to these two desert civilizations, no one knows.

Chapter 1: Preparations

I looked out to the ocean, thinking that it might be a while till I see the majesty of the water crashing on the rocks again. Filling the last jug, I plod slowly to the fire outside my small house by the sea. It isn’t very big, but it does what I need it to do.

It is mostly made of wood, concrete and stone; the wood is stained green by the salt from the spray of the ocean, mixed with the smoke carbon from the fire. The flooring on the bottom floor is dirt mixed with carpet, on the loft is just barely smooth wooding. The house looked like a solemn monument, on its lonesome on the cape, at least a mile or two away from the town of Maresille.

Maresille is a small fishing port, but big enough for a form of government and a Hinterland. Most of the main cities of the area are small city States, but no one owns or wants to own the Desert or its nomads. I decided to go on a journey of discovery to actually cross the desert to get to the other sea faring port cities faster, rather than going the safe route around the coast.

The other reason was to meet more Pokemon and expand our limited knowledge of the desert inhabitance. We know little of the monsters and landscapes of the desert because none of us have ever met the sand people... or all that did have died.

I boiled the water that I collected from the sea, it frothed and the water and the clear salt crystals separated and I put both into their respective containers. Then I unhitched Stella, my Ponyta.

Ponyta may not fare well in the desert, but it beats walking and it cannot be beat in the mountains that surround the desert and luckily it will evolve there into a Rapidash, which fare extremely well in the desert. Being purely of fire, they need little water, unlike Ponyta or Tauros.

I tied Stella’s saddle to her back and hopped on her back. She whinnied, and I patted her head to calm her down. I had the feeling she was unsure of the expedition and frankly, so was I. I felt relieved that at least someone was thinking about our safety, even if it was a Pokemon.

I rode into Maresille, to the Blue Sea Inn, where my travelling partner, John, was waiting for me with the rest of the supplies. I confronted the inn, John and Glenna, his trusty Dodrio, fast through the desert but likely to stumble through the mountains. Luckily she doesn’t need a lot of water, because we don’t have much to spare.

John walked out of the inn with two large saddlebags, about the size of the saddlebags on Stella, and he attached them to Glenna and then inquired,

“So, Mark, are you sure we have absolutely everything we need? I just asked if they had any weapons that would be powerful enough to defend us from the human assaults of the Sand People. All I managed to get was a Rambo Gun*…”

I cut in before he could finish,

“That’s a bad thing? A Rambo Gun is a frigging over sized machine gun, a Gat if you will!”

Then he retorted,

“No, there were no weapons for you besides a puny Handgun, or a bow and arrow!”

I then replied, “Are we just going to sit here and argue or are we going to get going?”

We set out of Maresille at once and looked back at the small town, before setting off for the mountains and, eventually, the desert.

*Rambo Gun: a M60 Heavy Machine Gun, used in the movie Rambo: First Blood. (Movie Rating PG14A Canada [about PG13])

Dude, I'm seriously not sure about some of those commas. Peculiar sentence structure... not sure how to edit it. Bah, what I do know is that if you're wanting lots of readers, you'll need to take the time to space your story out like this - single blank lines between paragraphs and other paragraphs, between text and speech and between speech and other speech. As you can probably see, the whitespace (space on the page with no text on it) really helps to break up the story into little chunks. Readers like stuff like this - it makes the story easier to read and less intimidating to look at. Also makes it look that bit more professional - more like actual novels.

As for what you've actually written, well, if this is your first fanfic, I'm impressed! Especially by the house description. Even though yeh might wanna look at running your sentences a bit more smoothly, the concept is quite obvious and detailed. ^^ Nice! Congrats! Another bonus is how Stella seems to have the beginning traces of a personality, even though you're going for a more animalistic look at pokemon. It's refreshing to see pokemon being written as more than rather mindless plot devices. Might have been nice to see a bit more of Stella and Glenda... but mebbe that'll come later.

Apart from spacing, I'd say the thing you probably wanna look most at is your writing style. You're getting the ideas across (even with detail about the scenery and characters! Though more description of the actions might be nice, especially if this is going to turn into an action fic.) but the wayward commas and slightly awkward wordings are noticeable, which ain't a great thing, cause it draws your readers' attention away from the story itself. Perhaps try constructing longer sentences without the use of 'and' and 'but'? It's lovely to see you handling the longer sentences in the first place, but if yeh wanna refine your style, I'd suggest making alterations along the lines of:

I boiled the water that I collected from the sea, it frothed, and the water and the clear salt crystals separated, and I put both into their respected containers.

to

I boiled the water that I collected from the sea, watching it froth as the water and clear salt crystals separated, afore putting both into their respective containers.

Also see how I took out the 'the' before 'clear salt crystals'? The general idea on cutting down of usage of 'and' and 'but' is to reduce the repetition of words close to each other. It takes a bit of practice, but I found that this eventually became habit. ^^

As for what I thought of the story itself... well, I'm not really fond of violence, so I might drop out for bloodier chapters, but for now, I muchly like the sense of mystery and 'the unknown' that you've woven into the desert. ^^ Very interesting and laden with potential.

Mmph. You've probably noticed that this was a pretty nitpicky review - well, that's a compliment in itself. It means you've got the basics firmly underhand so you can spare the time to start polishing. ^^ So, yah, yeh've got a pretty awesome start and the skills to make it something really special - put that to good use! ^^ Best of luck and fun to you! ^^

Piney.
;204;;324;

Kikas123
2nd July 2006, 1:10 AM
also, reviewers, please post your critizism here, don't PM it to me, makes this story look better. Also, I look forward to all Critizim, helps in the end.
well on with Chapter 2!
Chapter 2: Approaching the Mountains

John and I rode at a steady pace through the Maresille Hinterland. Stella and Glenna were very quick through the plains; we actually made 100 Kilometres in a day. The plains were very lush covered with long green rye grass, growing long and wild out in the unkempt parts of the plains, with weeds dotted in the grass, but the wild Rattata and Pidgey controlled the weed’s growth. Closer to the farms, the grass was relatively short.

The plains are dotted with many small woods, often with fruit trees and berry bushes. Our Ocean/ Sub-Desert climate on the southern half of the coast gives us the ideal conditions to grow Oranges. Throughout the plains and woods are many rivers and ponds the largest being in the Maresille Hinterland.

The grand Maresille Canal goes through the plains, to the Garand City and up into the mountains, but that is the hardest route due to many large bluffs and cliffs, forcing us to climb up the blasted river, we’d get washed away if we weren’t careful, that river moves 5000 Hectolitres at one time!

We camped in a clearing that night. The clear was next to an old forest, with a lot of rotting wood, and a few species of Bug Pokemon. The healthy trees how ever bore many fruits, which made it so we didn’t need to use any of our packed supplies. Maybe 20 metres from our camping spot is a small pond, the water is pure enough to boil clean so no chemicals (Chlorine for example) are needed to clean the water.

I let Stella out of her saddle so she could graze on the long grass. She whinnied appreciatively, then trotted off to a patch of long grass and began to eat. John did likewise with Glenna. There was a pond near the area that we were camping in, so we refilled our water jugs to what they were because we had to drink as well.

I lit a fire from rotted wood in the forest, and John and I sat around it. I looked towards the North, noticing the ominous loom of the mountains, seeming to stash away the secrets of the desert. I never thought I’d even get this close to the mountains but I thought wrong.

John poked at his meal of oranges, his green-grey eyes gleamed like a mischievous Sneasel’s would, then he uttered in a low voice,

“ You know, I’ve never been away from Maresille, do you know what the rest of the hinterland, or the mountains look like?”

I replied, “Well, I guess this will be a first for both of us, you seem worried, I bet you the sand people just stick around the edges, for it’s easy living and we’re going smack through the centre!”

Just then I bent down to poke the fire, suddenly part of my long brown hair caught on fire, but we quickly put it out.

John inquired, “Are you alright, that looked like that hurt!”

I replied, “No, I’m fine, my hair’s just a bit charred.”

We watched the Pokemon play after their dinner. Stella was running around with Glenna chasing her. Stella was whinnying happily as Glenna chased her pecking playfully at her. Glenna and Stella don’t usually get along this well because Stella is quite playful while Glenna is more serious so it believes it’s over such foolish horseplay. I guess the two figured out that they’d have to get along because there’s going to be no one else to play with for a long time.

We woke up early that morning the sunrise was visible, the sky was grey with bands of yellow and pink beneath the sun’s position. The actual sun glowed yellow through the morning mist. We marshalled Stella and Glenna back to camp, we re-saddled and we were on our way!

The plains transformed drastically as we approached the mountains, the once thick rye grass was replaced with Mountain Crab Grass, the soft soil became hard rock, and you could hear Stella’s hoofs clickity-clack and Glenna’s claws scratching as it ran.

Glenna nearly slipped on a really slippery rock, but Stella kept her up with her nose. I guess Stella and Glenna are starting to become fonder of each other.

We reached the solemn Mountains by noon hour, the sun had actually disappeared behind the mountains, and the gradient started to increase. The desert was close but the mountains were a trial within them selves.

AngelLatias
3rd July 2006, 8:51 PM
Very descriptive and I like the plot ^^ Some grammer errors yada yada but it's good. I'm not in the mood to edit it...

Wig
4th July 2006, 11:42 PM
Hmm, it's a really great fic. Really good vocabulary as well. Yeah, some mistakes here and there, but a really good fic.

-Jolt-

Kikas123
5th July 2006, 6:46 PM
Ok, reviews, If you can see something wrong with my writing, please point it out, it helps, anyway, On with Chapter 3!

Chapter 3: Mountain Capers

Stella raced up the slippery rock and shale that made up the mass of the mountains. Her hooves seemed to repel themselves from the ground after every thundering step up the rugged base of the mountain trail like a majestic Stallion on a cliff face managing to stay right on the edge with out falling.

Glenna had no such luck. Her long, sharp claws kept scratching on the craggy land. Such a sound annoyed the poor monster. Sometimes her claws would get stuck between some rocks causing her to trip. Luckily Stella has caught Glenna most of the time.

Who ever said that chiming a mountain wasn’t creepy probably didn’t pass through this peak! Daylight hours are short because the peaks of other mountains block out the sun most of the time, and it’s dark from 4 o’clock on. A lot of Nocturnal pokemon live in these mountains Hoothoot for example. The Pokemon often call to each other from higher up, and it’s very unnerving.

The mountains seem to been left alone for a very long time, maybe even dating back to the ancient era. None of our people inhabited the mountains, and I don’t think anyone else had.

John and I proceeded through the mountains, although with little conversation, until

“Hey Matt, this is some extreme darkness eh?” John said with a tinge of uncertainty.

“Yeah, it wouldn’t be so bad if there were lights or civilization. The silence makes this just creepy. It seems that Stella is unnerved by this as well, she’s been pulling on the reigns pretty hard” I replied in a low voice.

Suddenly, Stella let out a loud whinny, as a streak of light streamed by at a breakneck speed! Stella double took her self in fear followed by a series of screeches and yelps. Glenna screeched. She was frozen in fear. John and I tried to calm down the Pokemon. Even we were frightened by the flash but not to the extent the Pokemon were.

“What in the name of Celebi was that?” Yelled John.

“I don’t know, it was moving to fast for me to identify it!” I replied back.

The light came closer to us, and it seemed to usher us to follow us, for some reasons Stella wanted to follow it. Glenna had seemed to think of the repercussions that could occur if it made a decision, but in the end, she followed the light. It took us off the trail we were following.

While following it, it’s shape came clearer. It was defiantly green on the lower body and it’s arms and head were a tinge of yellow. It had a small body with a head shaped like a teardrop that curled at the top. It had little wings on it’s back that kind of look like a fairy’s. This light was the perfect epitome of Celebi!

The light took us to a small stone building in a clear in the mountain. The small building was in the middle of a shallow lake. It didn’t look like any fish lived in the lake. The building it’s self was small. It was completely made of stone. The roof looked like it was about to fall in yet it still managed to hold. The stone was grey, and the door was made of a white rock. There was a strange pedestal made of a reddish rock out side of the building. Two statues decorated the front of the building, one of a bird like the sun, its feathered wings seemed majestic, and the feather on top of its head made it look divine. The other statue was of another bird, this one had sleek wings, and a large head, smaller scale like objects came off the monster’s back.

Stella and Glenna care fully waded across the lake. Stella nearly got wrapped up in the plants in the lake a couple times, but her powerful hooves cut through the plant life. When we reached the building, it seemed alto larger than it was from across the lake. The light turned to face us, and it was Celebi it’s self!

“I have been blessed to meet the grand protector!” I said as the revelation happened.

John said something like that. Celebi looked at us and chuckled. It ushered at the pedestal. I looked at it. There were ancient runes inscribed on the tablet on top of it. I couldn’t read the runes if I tried but Celebi was with us. That in my mind warranted me to try and maybe Celebi would work a miracle. I read the runes out loud. This is what was inscribed:

“The alter of the ancients lies here. We sacrifice to please our gods. The others may not agree which of them is good or evil but we know. The others are misguided, we know the proper way. Let us give thanks to the right god in our secret Temple.”

Then John exclaimed, “I didn’t know you could read ancient runes!”

I replied, “I didn’t either.”

Then Celebi cast a beam onto the white door, and it opened slowly, then it pointed in to the Temple, and we followed it into the darkness of the Temple.