View Full Version : My Friend Liana's Story

1st July 2006, 2:26 PM
This is my friend Liana's story.

I was alone in the darkness, I was feeling sadness and complete darkness. There was not even a source of light, then I woke up. It was only a dream but as I sat up, I thought to myself was it only a dream or was it real? Suddenly I heard a voice from down stairs, I thought it was the darkness that had shrouded me but it was just my mother.

I went downstairs and greeted my mother."Good morning mom!" I said with a grin."Good morning" she said back. I grabbed a box of 'Total' got a bowl and some milk and poured the cereal in the bowl and then the milk and started to eat my breakfast."Honey, weren't you going down to the lab to see your friend Nicholas?" my mother asked me."Yes. As soon as I finish my cereal mom" I said.

Six minutes later I got up put my bowl in the sink and said goodbye to my mother. I headed to the lab. I enjoyedthe scenery along the way such beautiful trees with pink leaves, it was Spring of course. I watched the Tailow play in the little bird bathes as I walked along the road. I was thinking to myself "Wow I havent seen Nicholas in so long, basically because staying out an hour and a half earns you a week of punishment." We also go to different schools so I couldn't see him, and he had to come straight home after school.

I was thinking, remembering the first time me and Nicholas met... in the park. I was four and he was five, we'd play ball together and ride on the swings and play in the sand, [sigh] we had so much fun together as children. I looked up and as soon as I knew it I was at the lab. I went inside and I was surrounded by all kinds of poke'balls. There were great balls, lure, ultra, fast, heavy, luxury balls and much more."Hey Nichola! How ya been doin'?!' A voice said from behind me. I turned around and it was Nicholas!;351-i;

Yami Ryu
1st July 2006, 2:39 PM
Wow you show off even more you haven't read the smurfing rules or advice thread. You're only supposed to post YOUR OWN story :/ and infact I still think it's your own crappy work, and do I see a HINT MORE OF EFFORT! Only a hint as there's only one extra paragraph. It's still rushed, flat and crappy. And don't randomly use the frigging smilies. Sheesh.

Why don't you fecking listen to what people have told you and actually put some more back bone into your writing. Cause I feel you wrote this up in the reply box- and I just have a question: Do you just like having your threads closed? :/

Pinecone Tortoise
1st July 2006, 3:03 PM
Hey there!

Dude, I admire your perseverence. It takes a LOT of guts to keep trying after all the tough crit and unsuccessful attempts - so congrats.

As for this new story, you're probably doing your friend a disservice by formatting her story this way. Yah, it's that spacing thing again. And the spelling, grammar and punctuation. Thing is, people on the forums tend not to look at stories unless the author already has that sort of stuff under control.

My advice: ask someone to do the corrections for you. You just haven't been around long enough to know what people expect. No worries - just ask someone who has.

See, you've got an awesome imagination, but if you want to show the folks around here what you're imagining, yeh need to do it in a very particular way, or they just don't listen.

@_@ It's frustrating and makes a lot of work for us writers, but it's easier to just do things the way the readers like that force them to like the way you want to do things.

You've obviously got some awesome ideas, but you can't make people appreciate them unless you do it in a way that people know and like.

Can't think of much more to say, apart from good luck and fun to you! And do let me know if you need a hand. ^^


1st July 2006, 4:35 PM
"Hey Nicholas! Its good to see you again." I said with excitement."So I was wondering would you like to come with me on my adv-..." he was interrupted."Ah, Nichola you finally showed up. You're mother said you were coming." It was the professor Nicholas's father. "Hello professor Arthur, its also good to see you again!" I said. "Ur herm [clears throat] in case you forgot I was speaking. I was wondering if you would like to come with on my adventure... to be a pokemon master like Steven of the Elite Four." Nicholas said. "You want me to come with you?" I said confused. "Yes of course, your my best friend!" He said with compassion. "I dont even have a pokemon and I dont even know much about them." I said with a long face. "I'd be glad to give you a pokemon Nichola." The professor said. "Thanks!'' I said.

We went to the center room and I saw many pokeballs."Go pick one. Anyone you choose." The professor said. So I went to the shelves and I saw pokeballs marked with waterdrops, thunderstrikes, flames and many other type symbols. I saw a ball with an eye on it, so I picked it up, I faced it towards the floor pressed the button and out came the psychic pokemon Ralts.

"Ralts!" It said in a kind voice."Ah, so you picked Ralts, excellent choice!"The professor said. "So I did." I said. Suddenly Nicholas grabbed me and I grabbed Ralts and Nicholas knocked the doors and burst through the door and down the road. To be continued