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MondoTR
3rd July 2006, 8:36 PM
Reposted at requested.

Constructive criticism is okay but please don't mention length and description.
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Chapter One: Start of a Journey

As thirteen year old Mikey Volution walked to Pallet Town to get his Pokedex from the world famous Professor Samuel Oak, he thought about why he was becoming an official Pokemon trainer. He didn’t really care if he became a Pokemon master or not, but travelling around earning badges and battling in competitions while seeing the world seemed like a fun thing to do.

He then thought of his brothers and the advice they had given him before he had left. Pyro had encouraged him to at least evolve one of the Pokemon he would catch. Rainer had said that he hoped he would catch a lot of water Pokemon. And Sparky explained that they all knew that he was going to be a great trainer because he had gotten a lot stronger since his first battle.

“Eevee, vee” Mikey looked down to see Eevee gazing at some buildings. Mikey was surprised; he had been so deep in thought that he hadn’t realized he had already reached Pallet. He saw Professor Oak’s lab so he headed towards it. When he got there he rang the doorbell.

“Coming!” suddenly the door was open by a guy with greenish black hair. “You must be Mikey. I’m Tracey Sketchit, Professor Oak’s assistant. Come on in.” They walked up into the building and up the stairs to see Professor Oak working on his computer. He turned around when he heard them come in.

“Hello, Mikey. You have impeccable timing. I just put the final touches on you Pokedex.” as he said this Professor Oak took the Pokedex out of the computer and gave it as well as five Pokeballs to Mikey. “Well since you already have a Pokemon, I believe you are all set to start your journey. But if I may ask, why are you starting now instead of when you were ten?”

“As you may know, many people get their evolution stones from Stone Town.” Mikey started explaining while remembering why he had decided to travel. “While they are there they tell my brothers and me about their journeys. Those stories have always fascinated me and a few months ago I decided I wanted to travel around so I would have some stories to tell.”

“Well, I think that is a wonderful reason to travel around! Most people who want to get badges and compete in the league competitions want to be Pokemon Masters. Its nice to hear a different reason for wanting to travel around earning badges.” Professor Oak was happy to finally see a trainer without a big ego. “Well, I hope you have fun on your journey. Good luck!”

Astinus
4th July 2006, 8:30 AM
Whee-hoo for first review. What's wrong with the rest of you?

Anyhow, there were some odd things with punctuation. I'll just point them out with corrections in bold. They were all made in your dialogue. >>


“Eevee, vee.” Mikey looked down to see Eevee gazing at some buildings.

You just never finished off with a full stop.


“Coming!” Suddenly the door was open by a guy with greenish black hair.

You capitlaize "suddenly" because it's the first word of a sentence that is not a dialogue tag.


“Hello, Mikey. You have impeccable timing. I just put the final touches on your Pokedex,” as he said this Professor Oak took the Pokedex out of the computer and gave it, as well as five Pokeballs, to Mikey.

That one, the comma, was actually a tough one, but I finally figured it out. ^^ (If I'm wrong, sorry!) And the "you" was just missing the "r" to make it possesive. And the added two commas are to seperarte the clauses.


It's nice to hear a different reason for wanting to travel around earning badges.”

Changed that from the possesive to the contraction to make it correct.

I'm really glad that I get a chance to read this fic of yours. I mean, it is about one of your favorite characters from the show(and manga too?) I'm going to keep coming back and checking on this to see how this goes.

Good luck to you! (No comments on length/description, just grammar? That's okay, right, MondoTR? XD)

Air Dragon
4th July 2006, 8:50 AM
ah, another one of those fics i read way back when... glad to see it (and you) back in the production line.

i never saw mikey in the series (then again, i never had much opportunity to watch) but the motivation and plot seem really interesting keep me posted okay?

as you said not to comment on the flaw i'd comment on, no additional comments will be commented to comment on in a comment war...hah! get around that one! Later!

MondoTR
5th July 2006, 5:46 PM
Hanako - Thanks. I knew about the third but forgot to change it. I really should go through and revise the chapters. XD; And yes, Mikey is in the manga. I've read very little of the manga but have read the part with him and his brothers. <3

Air - LOL @ at your last comment (no pun intended, I just couldn't think of another word XD). Back when? Who were you? ^_^; As for the keeping you posted part, would you like a PM when I update? I'll do so if that's what'd you prefer.