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-Freedom'sWarrior-
3rd July 2006, 10:35 PM
Chapter 1
Reality Sinks In

I opened my eyes. Sunlight streamed in and I sat up. Where WAS I? I don’t remember a thing…

“Ah. You are awake.” A man dressed in a red and black robe stepped beside me. He had red hair. “Here. You may want these.”

The man shoved some clothing into my hands. And six red and white balls.

I blinked. “What…”

He laughed. “Pokemon!” I then turned around, and began bustling about. We were in a bright room.

I widened my eyes. “They’re…REAL?!”

He laughed again. “As real as your nakedness,”

I started and looked down. He was right. I unfolded the clothes he’d given my. I pulled on a pair of roomy camouflage cargo pants, a red t-shirt, and a black hoody.

“How’d you know my size?” I asked, disbelieving the fact that the bra fit my large bust to perfection.

He smiled at me over his shoulder, but said nothing. He creeped me out.

I stood up, and realized I was on a table of some sort, for I hit my head on the ceiling. “What Pokemon did you give me?”

“Why don’t you see?”

I threw the Pokeballs, and out came a Jolteon, a Mightyena, a Houndoom, an Umbreon, a Flygon, and a Zangoose.

“Jolt! Jolteooooon!” The dog-like thunder Pokemon leapt up into my arms. “Jolteon!”

I smiled at it. “And how’d you know my favorite Pokemon was a Jolteon?” I said to the man.

“I’ll tell you one day,” He said. Then he became nasty and cold. “You are to call me ‘Master’. You are to wear those clothes always, unless I say different. You are now a member of my team.”

I frowned, confused. “What?”

“You heard me. You are now working for me. No buts. Your room is in the basement. There, you will find all the gear you need. You will also find a researching computer. Now go.”

I blinked at his sudden harshness. Then I turned towards the doors. “Before I go…May I know your name, Master?”

He froze. Then an evil smile crept over his thin face. “My name,” he said. “Is Maxie.”

Mawile XD
4th July 2006, 2:21 AM
Quite good. I wonder who this character is, and hat happened to her. And a Mightyena and Houndoom - great Team Magma pokemon. This fic does lack in length, I realize that you didn't have much to write, but the only aspects to improve on are description and length. Everything else looks great.

Yami Ryu
4th July 2006, 3:11 AM
http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19
^Advice thread. Go. Read. I suggest you refresh up on the rules thread too.

Overall, this is rushed, flat and short. The characters are a bit ... if I woke up naked, with a man leering at me, I think I would be a bit more AH PERVERT than who are you? Where am I? Oh, clothing? THANK YOU :D

<<

So suggest you try to make the characters more realistic, and why did Maxie give this amnesia patient pokemon? :/ Oh, and now I get it. This is one of those 'person from here or someone else gets zapped to the pokemon world'. If he or she didn't remember a thing, would suspect they wouldn't remember anything then. Just. I feel you wrote this up in the reply box, and only spent five minutes on the writing/plot itself.

FireLife
4th July 2006, 3:21 AM
Well good so far but you need to lengthen it a bit take your time. (Even though I'm not one to talk.)

-Freedom'sWarrior-
4th July 2006, 5:35 AM
Thanks guys. I just really wanted to write something, but I found out I didn't have the time. I was pressured by my mother who was YELLING at me to come eat supper. >.< I'll make the next chapter long.
Oh, BTW, the first chappie was more of a prologue. It was just to introduce the idea.

Yami Ryu
4th July 2006, 6:31 AM
Then it should be titled as such, as for a chapter, first or not, it is near rule breaking and ... you didn't really bloody write this up in the reply box, did you?


I was pressured by my mother who was YELLING at me to come eat supper.

... that is one of the reasons, it states in the rules and or advice thread, YOU WRITE IN A WRITING PROGRAM. Such as MS Word Pad, Notepad, or something else that will save text documents.

So what you said is no real excuse :/

-Freedom'sWarrior-
4th July 2006, 2:49 PM
Then it should be titled as such, as for a chapter, first or not, it is near rule breaking and ... you didn't really bloody write this up in the reply box, did you?

Hell, no! I typed it up on MS! It said it took up 2 pages, and I thought it'd take up just as much room here! :<

chrisivy
3rd August 2006, 12:49 AM
Three Comments
-short
- flat here and there
-details...
It would turn out nice if you did all of that..

kirby
3rd August 2006, 2:40 AM
Hell, no! I typed it up on MS! It said it took up 2 pages, and I thought it'd take up just as much room here! :<Really? On my Word it takes up one page and a line on the 2nd. :S

Elite 4
3rd August 2006, 4:24 AM
Haha the part with the bra gave me a great picture. ;)

And I loved the ending! Keep writing!