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View Full Version : An Unperfect Plan



Owneik
4th July 2006, 7:28 PM
Alright, here's my first pokemon fic in...a while. Anyways, I thought about what I wanted to write about, and finally, I decided that I'll go with the most generic formula of all; the 'get all badges, catch pokemon, have adventure' fic. However, I made it sort of an experiment for me; I took a couple of characters from a completely different place and adapted them to Pokemon, and made this...just to see how they'd work together, and if I could make a generic story good with some...well, hopefully interesting characters.



*~Chapter One: Planning Fate~*

“Oh Eeeeeeeeeeeeelliooooooot! Hurry and wake up or you’re going to be late for your big day!”

Sunlight slowly seeped in through the thin, blue curtains flowing lightly in the wind from the open window. From outside, one could hear the loud laughter and voices of people on the street; his first reaction to them was one of joy, the same joy he always felt when the town was in this mood, when something everyone gathered for happened, when something that made everything just about perfect happened.

He felt like he was back in the middle of summer at that moment, when all the kids were hurrying down the street to the beach in the morning…when everywhere at the park, people were playing, battling and just…living life…perfectly…

“In a moment, mom!”

Why wasn’t he with them?

He was standing in front of the mirror in the corner of the small, grey-wall room, shifting in his position; something was still off. Was it his hair? He slowly leaned over the twin-size, yew-wood bed on his right, careful not to disrupt the perfectly stretched out, blue and white box-pattern quilt, picking up the red comb from the small, brown bedside table next to it. Moving back in front of the mirror, he began combing his strangely ‘lumpy-ended’, messy, peach-yellow hair. To this date, he had never been able to control the hair; no matter how long, frequently or even aggressively he combed it, it never stayed in place…which irritated him to no end, as he had the tendency to end up doing any of them (or all of them) too much.

But today, he was (luckily) too distracted; like any other graduating student of Daniel Nallet Academy would be, considering…well, they were graduating students.

Imitating a strangely high-pitched voice, Elliot spoke to himself. “Elliot, hurry up and get down here right now, or you’ll be late!” He finished combing and tossed the red piece of plastic away, sighing in frustration. “Oh well…everything else is perfect…going just like it should…almost get late…hurry to the school…meet up friend…adventure and questing…” Elliot counted on his fingers, apparently mumbling about his plans. He looked back at the mirror, staring into the reflection of his pale blue eyes. It was all still good; the white, open, button short-sleeved shirt over his dark green, short-sleeved sweater, the brown, somewhat baggy pants and the slate sneakers…they were all “perfect”. And really, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

A small smile crept onto his face as he glanced onto the clock. Only five minutes till 10 AM; it was time to leave.

He headed for the bedroom door, stepping onto the hardwood floor of the hallway. He walked briskly against the staircase at the end of the hall, sliding his finger along the blue-painted, wooden walls. Halfway down the stairs, his mother, who was sitting at the kitchen table, turned her head and looked through the opening in the wall against the staircase leading into the living room, about to yell something. Seeing Elliot’s descent luckily stopped her, as in the midst of working with the bills, she had forgotten she had a piece of toast in her mouth.

“Okay mom, I’m going now!” Elliot grinned, giving his mother a quick, one-armed hug and a peck on the forehead, intentionally slipping up the clip that kept her long, blonde hair tied in a bun.

“Mmm,” Dana put down the toast and began tying her hair back up, “I was just about to call you down.”

“I know, I was planning on it.”

“…yes, of course, have a good time! I’ll be waiting when you get back.” She replied, ignoring the strange words and flashing a quick smile, pointing to the door with one finger while keeping the rest busy with her hair. Elliot raised an eyebrow before mumbling a small “Oh, right.” and leaving the kitchen, heading for the door.

It was probably just how he felt mixed with the heat, but as soon as he stepped out into the sunlight, he felt his entire body warm up strangely; not in the way that makes him sweat, but the way that ma—

“Hey!” Just standing there, staring at the sky with an absent-looking grin on his face, Elliot had failed to notice a short-haired brunette rushing up to him and smacking the back of his head lightly; he was quickly brought back down to Earth, looking into the angry green eyes of his would-be friend Rachel Aaronson.

Elliot groaned, “pushing” (meaning, lightly tapping in fear of another head-slap) Rachel away a bit. “Jesus Rach, you don’t have to manhandle me, I’m trying to be happy.”

Rachel huffed, putting her hands at her sides. “Oh yeah?! Well, we were supposed to leave ten minutes ago, I’ve been standing out here waiting! Come on!” She grabbed Elliot’s arm and began dragging him across the small cobblestone path leading up to the picket fence-gate, ignoring his claims of a meeting at 9.40 PM clearly not being part of his plan.

“Yo, guys.” Their head turned in the opposite direction of where they were supposed to be going, and Elliot noticed another one of his friends (well…that was about all of them. Rachel and), Patch, a toothpick in his mouth as usual. “Am I late?”

“No.” Elliot quickly replied.

“Ye—Elliot!” She turned to once again hit the blonde boy over the head.

Patch picked up on Elliot’s discomfort with the incoming head-whooping and looked Rachel up and down, nodding slightly to get her attention. Slowly moving the toothpick to the corner of his mouth, he spoke up. “Hey Rachel, you look nice.”

Luckily (for Elliot), as he had expected, Rachel’s attention was immediately diverted to Patch, and a large smile spread out on her face. “Really, you think so? Thanks, it took a while for me to decide on which clo—“ Patch was quick to start moving, patting her shoulder with an affirming nod and smile, saying that “they had all the world to discuss it later, but they had to get to school now”. Once they began walking, Elliot notice that Rachel actually had paid extra time to her looks today; usually (and he knew, he had seen it), she just went for any shirt and pair of jeans in the shirt in the closet, as long as she liked them and they weren’t in bad condition. But today, though, she was ‘formally dressed’; she wore a knee-length, white silk skirt, a red sweater with a carmine shirt buttoned on top of it. She even had a black sailor’s hat hanging around her neck by a blue string.

Glancing over to Patch, Elliot noted he hadn’t put a thought to his clothing, as always; he wore a white shirt with an open, grey hooded jacket, along with brown, somewhat worn out pants, as well as black, lace-less shoes. His hazel hair –which Elliot envied deeply–, though, had been given a lot of care; it was gelled back on his head in perfectly aligned strands of hair…Elliot always wondered how the hell Patch could have the patience to make his hair the way it is, as he had seen his pale friend’s hair uncared-for, and it was a mess. In fact, sometimes he—

“Hey. Elliot. Why are you staring at my head?” Patch was literally snapping his fingers in front of Elliot’s face while looking away, staring at a group of girls passing by across the street. Elliot mumbled a quick “Nothing…” And they carried on walking quietly.

Looking around him, Elliot wondered about the next time he would see this place. Would he be a different person? Would he be a better person? Would he come back with the people he was leaving with?

He looked around at the tiny, suburban houses placed out on blocks separated by the not-so-wide, clean roads…hell, would this place be the same when he came back?

Actually…would he even come back at all?

Rachel nudged him in the side. “Why’d you stop? Come on, we’re here.”

Elliot turned around, facing her. Slowly leaning to the side, he saw the familiar turn into the large dead-end of the road, which was shown with a large circle-round in place of the long line that went out of sight. Following the end was a huge grass field, few parts on which there was pavements…one of those few parts were not that far up ahead; the Daniel Nallet Academy.

From where they were standing, one could see the three large school buildings placed in a large, fort-like placement (if the fort had not front wall or gate, that is), with a huge courtyard in the middle, where large crowds of people had already gathered; the graduation was starting.

Patch let out a small curse, spitting out the toothpick and beginning a small jog across the fields. “****! Come on, we can’t be late!”

As the other two followed suit, Elliot once again took the chance to sail off into his thoughts once more. He stared at the vast grass field ahead of him which stretched far out of his sight and into the pale blue horizon. Far up ahead, behind the school, one could barely see the beginning of the huge clods of trees that was the beginning of Lealn Forest, and the beginning of Elliot’s departure. Running across the field, hiding in the taller gatherings of straws, even flying in the sky, Elliot saw many of the creatures that were the origin of that very depart. Yes, pokemon; of course, that was his reason. Lest to say, he was fascinated with them…where did they come from? How did they come from them? Were they a lower stage of evolution than humanity? Or, if it was a higher…would we one day become them?

He had many questions about pokemon, but by no means did he put as much thought into the more philosophic and scientific ones as into the more immediate ones; which one was the coolest, which one was the strongest, which one did he want to be his first companion (well, except for his two friends) following his departure? Honestly, he didn’t care much about it; of course, he had many times gone over lists of pokemon and picked out ones he preferred, but he had decided that to prove his ability as a potential trainer, he would take any pokemon and train it to become strong. Well, that’s what he told people; in reality, he had read too many novels and seen too many movies about the somewhat underwhelming trainer taking in the underdog pokemon and together becoming pokemon champions thanks to developing a friendship giving more strength than anyth—well, most have heard the story.

As they reached the schoolyard, the nasal, megaphone-enhanced voice of the principal, Michael Arrin, came into earshot. “…all of the twelfth graders please move into the aula, please?”

“Good, just in time. Perfect.” Elliot said, looking at the other two with a smile. He saw that the classes Arrin had directed at the far top-left corner of the yard, moving into the back door leading into a hall taking them to the main hall. They pushed to the crowds of people talking to their children (or siblings…or relatives), or waiting for the ones leaving to come back, heading for the large, sphere-top main building.

What a place this is, Elliot thought as they joined their fellow classmates in the back. From day one, he had always had split feelings about the time he spent within the pale yellow-painted walls of the school buildings. One side of him felt the same about it as he felt about his quickly nearing depart; curious, excited, even a bit, how to say…adventurous. There were so many people to meet, so many things to learn, and as he hadn’t ever been to many places (anywhere outside of the small town), he always felt like the school was a huge exploration, always new each time he entered. The other side, like most normal teenagers, had the typical student-mentality about school; boring, annoying, too long and too frequent.

He looked up across the building, into the middle window on the second of the five floors; his homeroom. The lights were still on, so he figured his teacher Ms. Patten was still there, as she was nowhere in sight outside. Turning his head, he saw that a group of students were getting up on the small wooden stage set up on the small platform of heightened ground in front of the right building; as they picked up and got behind instruments, he realized they were a band, and he sighed in relief when they were let into the school with doors closed behind, only barely avoiding the deafening music booming through the schoolyard seconds later.

The hall lights, to the student’s surprise (and to some, their horror), faded out the moment the doors closed and they found themselves threading through complete darkness until they finally got their hands on the door at the end, which was signaled by a loud “Ow!”. When they entered the main hall, they were surprised to find a pole in the middle of the room with a blinking arrow sign pointing up the room, to the wide-open doors into the aula. The long line slowly moved through the dark into the hall, and once they were all finally inside…

Elliot felt a hard poke in his side, which made him turn to somewhat scold who he suspected was the poker at hand. “Rachel, seriously, stop anno—“

“It’s not Rachel.” A dark, raspy voice was heard through the darkness.

Elliot raised an eyebrow, sticking his hand out in front of him. He was completely unfamiliar with the voice. “And you are?”

The voice answered, although this time it was much lighter, although with the still raspy sound; Elliot instantly knew who it was this time. “It’s me, and I’d appreciate it if you weren’t so close to poking my eye out.”

Elliot scoffed at the sudden slap at his hand. “Seth, what’re you doing?”

Seth, although Elliot didn’t see, shrugged nonchalantly, looking away and putting his hands behind his back. “I was just going to say hello and good luck and stuff, y’know…saying hi to a friend and all…you know…”

There was a long silence, before Elliot finally uttered a reply. “Seriously though, what do you want?”

Seth checked his sides to make sure no one was watching (which was kind of unnecessary, considering the murmur from the students around and the blinding darkness) before stepping a bit closer. “Well…uh, I was wondering, about this whole setting off thing-“

Elliot warily inserted a somewhat concerned, “Yeah?”

“-yeah, about that, I don’t really…have anyone to go with or a ride, so it’d be pretty dangerous for me to travel alo-“

“You’re not coming with us, Seth,” Elliot said, abruptly interrupting and stopping his acquaintance from continuing. “I really don’t like you.”

“…ahem…yes, well….alright then.” Seth said, falling short of something to say. Elliot turned back around just in time to feel a hard slap against his behind. He hopped up and swung back around, about to yell at Seth; however, that very moment, the strong lights lined up at the top of the walls around them turned on, causing most of the students to recoil in complaint of the abrupt lighting.

The aula looked different; very different. The long lines of benches on each side of the small lane leading up to the stage and podium in the front had been rid of, and the hardwood floor had apparently been painted white for some reason. On the walls, the results of the sixth graders hard work the last few days of school was painted; in a variety of colorful shades, they had painted all the walls blue and then drawn various different things on them, including pokemon, rainbows and even a somewhat distorted interpretation of the principal. At the front of the stage, they had apparently set up a wall to block out sight, with a cardboard door in the middle, the stairs to the stage in front of it. The door slowly opened, and out stepped a man Elliot was unfamiliar with; it was apparently a representative from the lab in Edridge Town, the town north into the forest. He had short, fuzzy brown hair, wore half-moon glasses and a white lab coat, as well as brown khakis and a blue, buttoned shirt.

He waited for a short moment till everyone’s sight was well again until he spoke up, gaining everyone’s attention. “Welcome, graduating twelfth grade of Daniel Nallet Academy. As you all know, a majority of you are going to participate in a very important annual event; the Daikon League. As it is policy of the schools associated with the Derran System board, with the assistance of the good people at Ranger-Evo Corps, we will today provide our participating students with a starter pokemon to aid them on their quest.” At this point, the students broke into applauds and cheers; the representative didn’t seem to take any action to quiet them down at all, he simply smiled and nodded. Finally, once everyone calmed down, he continued. “Now, before we call the students up to get their pokemon, we will first call up three students exclusively, namely the lucky winners of the Head-start survey!” Once again, applauds rose. “The winners will get to be the first to pick their pokemon, and not only that, they will also get a free Floatron, Pokedex and PokeNav! Now, will the holders of the survey tickets please come up here?”

Elliot grinned, reaching into his back pocket; he was one of the three winners. Luckily, the survey’s main section of getting points had been about beliefs and theories about pokemon, which Elliot luckily excelled in…well, babbling about. In fact, there wasn’t…many times when…he wasn’t…think...

It was gone. The ticket was gone.

Elliot turned around and got to his knees, searching on the floor incase he had dropped it. “Dammit, dammit, this isn’t how it’s supposed to go! Dammit!” He got back up and looked around, wondering. That’s when he saw it.

“A round of applauses for our winners?!” The representative exclaimed, grinning, and the three people on the stage were instantly met with shaking applause. Rachel leaned over to Elliot while clapping.

“Hey Eli, didn’t you win that?”

“…that…*******…”

“Huh?”

As soon as the winners had passed through the door, the room quieted down again, and murmurs arose once more. Elliot stood fast in his place, tying and untying his fist while gritting his teeth furiously, waiting.

Patch glanced at his friend and then looked at Rachel with a confused look. “What’s with Elliot?” He noticed the blonde boy’s face was slowly becoming redder by the second. “He looks ******...”

Rachel shrugged, muttering that she didn’t know, and they once again fell into silence, simply waiting while listening to the chatter of their classmates, who were eagerly whispering amongst themselves about what pokemon they hoped getting…

Elliot sunk into his own thoughts again, although they were less…serene this time. Specifically, they involved the disembowelment and grisly torturing of Seth. But never mind that. Eventually coming to the conclusion that nothing should ruin such a preferably perfect day, Elliot tried to cool himself down, closing his eyes and slowly taking deep breaths while mentally counting to ten. After counting to seventeen, his anger subsided, and he once again sunk back into his more likeable thoughts.

Specifically…the pokemon. Again, he thought about what pokemon would be cool…well, actually, wouldn’t be cool, once again trying to enforce his mentality that any pokemon can be great. One pokemon he certainly didn’t want was a Shroomish. While he did think they were okay, the strange sensation he felt when touching their fuzzy, yet completely hairless bodies simply gave him an instinctive dislike of them. And bug pokemon were just…out of the question. He didn’t like Machops much either; their obsession with exercise frightened him a bit, honestly.

He was about to turn his head to the ceiling to sail deep into his thoughts when the door opened again and the three winners stepped out, each now also carrying a strange, hub-cap like item with a flat bottom and a round, curved top. The one in the front was bouncing a pokeball up and down in his palm, and upon seeing him, Elliot’s anger nearly overflowed once again.

He slowly approached Elliot, a wide grin on his face. He leaned over to Elliot’s ear, and under the guise of the loud applauds and cheers, he whispered into his ear; “Sorry, buddy, but you know, this time I just had to reverse that saying…how does it go…oh right, ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. Have fun trying to catch up now that I’ve got this,” he held up the item, “Eli. See you around.” He then leaned back, mocking Elliot only with his eyes, and then, he walked away.

“See you, Rachel. Patch.” He said to Elliot’s friends, nodding at them.

“Whatever, Seth.” Patch replied.

“Get out of my face.” Rachel added.

Seth rolled his eyes and left the aula.

The representative clapped his hands, turning everyone’s eyes back to him. “Alright, now it’s time for all of you to get your pokemon! We will call you up ten people at a time, alphabetical order!” Elliot and Patch glanced at each other, smiling; that meant they’d go in at the same time, probably. Rachel grinned, as that meant she would most likely be among the first to go in.

And just like she had guessed, soon, the representative called up Rachel Aaronson and ten others to head into the room. About five minutes later, they returned, some of them joined by their pokemon (for a brief moment, everyone was rather discomforted by a very loud Whismur), and the others carrying pokeballs, one of them Rachel. Once she joined Patch and Elliot in the back, she told them that they didn’t get to know what pokemon they would get, that they would have to pick from a random collection of pokeballs. Patch seemed a bit annoyed by the concept, but Elliot figured it was the best; that way, he wouldn’t spend hours wondering if he made the right choice.

It didn’t take long until they heard it -“Sandra Iden, Patch Indigo, Elliot Ireman”- and after a very anxious wait, the two happily pushed through the crowd, jumping out in front of the representative, first in line to the door. He smiled at them, pushing the door open so they could run in gleefully.

The vision upon entering was a bit breathtaking for Elliot. There were four, 12-level stack shelves in the back of the room, all of them filled with at least fifteen pokeballs in each. Moved farther into the middle of the room, though, stood a table, where one of the levels from one of the shelves laid, around fifteen pokeballs left on them.

There were only two other people there, not counting the ten students and the representative; the principal and apparently another person from the lab, a woman with long, dark hair, a lab coat, a bleach sweater, white pants and a notebook and pen in her hand.

The representative spoke, stepping up behind the table and gesturing to its contents. “Alright, you may all pick a pokemon. Try to be calm and don’t push.” Of course, he was to a degree ignored; about six of them rushed forwards to be the first to pick. Patch and Elliot stood back and watched, waiting. Once everyone else were done, they moved forwards to pick while the others stood around in other parts of the room, some of them opening them up to see who they got and others just holding theirs.

Elliot turned against Patch for a moment, smiling; his friend was sweating out of nervousness a bit, he could make out a few glistening pearls on his forehead. He looked back at the pokeballs, eyeing them carefully. Some of them shook a bit when he extended their hand against them just to try, and from one he could even faintly hear a sound.

“Alright boys, I think you’ve had enough time to think. Please pick, we’re on a time here.” The representative quietly mumbled so only they could hear. Patch looked up and nodded before closing his eyes and just grabbing a random one, whilst Elliot closed his and began counting.

Whenever he had to make a choice to pick something at random, he always closed his eyes, moved his open palm over the contents and counted…and once he reached thirteen, he would stop, move his hand down and grab whatever was under his hand and then open his eyes.

“…thirteen.” He muttered, reaching down and grabbing a pokeball. He picked it up and opened his eyes, seemingly bouncing on his step as he moved over to Patch, who was simply staring at his pokeball intensively. His hand was trembling, although not enough to make him loose his almost vice-like grip of the pokeball. “Come on, Patch.” Patch nodded, not taking his eyes off the pokeball as they left the room.

“Thank you.” Patch said rather loudly to the representative without looking at him, simply waving a bit to him and ignoring his reply as they left the room.


*~*~¤~*~*

“Oh, hi honey.”

Elliot waved to his mother as he closed the door behind him, smiling a bit.

“Well?” Dana got up and walked into the hall from the kitchen. “What did you get?”

Elliot shrugged, taking out the pokeball. “I don’t know, I haven’t looked yet.”

Dana took the ball, rolling it in her hands. “Mind if I look?”

Elliot stared at her, raising an eyebrow. “Well, that’s not how it’s supposed to go…” He thought, thinking about sitting in his bedroom and dropping the pokeball to meet his first pokemon…he felt a strange pumping feeling in the back of his neck and a tingle in his hand, the same tingle he always felt when he thought of his ‘plans’.

He hesitated to take the ball back and forced himself into an edgy nod, smiling. “Yeah, go ahead. I’ll go upstairs and gather all my stuff meanwhile.” Dana nodded as he set off against the staircase rising above the left part of the living room ahead.

As he approached his bedroom door, he heard what he assumed was the sound of the pokeball hitting the floor. Instantly, the same feeling came back, amplified. As he laid his hand on the doorknob, it began shaking a bit, and he was locked in place, trying to stop himself from running back and taking the pokeball away from his mother. After what felt like an eternity, he almost pushed the doorknob out of its place when turning it, smashing the door open. Entering his room, he grabbed the green, slim backpack he had placed by his door and opened the top drawer of the large bureau by the left wall. He brushed some of his clothes and random items out of the way, taking out what he was looking for; a bundle of money he had saved up from various sources (including money his mother had given him to buy dinner while she went to work, money he had gotten from mowing lawns and some from his savings). He had already gotten a credit card for a special account from his mother so she could wire him money when he needed, but Elliot had set himself into using it as little as possible, to become independent.

He put the bundle in his pocket and checked his backpack; everything was there, clothes, some food, his pokeball belt his mother had bought him –which he put down the backpack to put on–, some underwear and a map of Daikon.

”Alright…alright, I’m ready to go.” He swung the backpack over his shoulder and sighed, trying to take in what he was about to do, breathing away the overwhelming feeling of…well, he didn’t know what it was. It was just…overwhelming.

Walking against the stairs, though, he realized…actually, he expected, that the feeling would only become stronger in a second.


*~*~¤~*~*

Elliot walked down the street, his companion calmly striding beside him. “Come on, my friends are waiting. Just so you know, the boy’s name is Patch and the girl is Rachel.” He said to the pokemon, noticing its excessive calmness, which somewhat translated into it…not trying to hurry up much at all. “There they are.”

He pointed down the street, to the ‘town gates’; it was really just a pair of stone pillars on each side of the road leading into the Lealn Forest route to Edridge Town. Patch and Rachel were indeed standing there by the left pillar, together with their pokemon. They were not alone, though, as several others were standing there waiting for people, some of them leaving as well.

Just as he noticed Patch was inspecting his, he took this time to take a look at their pokemon. Rachel’s pokemon he recognized immediately; it was the yellow, humanoid-shaped, short, claw-fisted (well, technically not fisted, as there were no fingers but merely a pair of bulky forearms attached to a thinner upper arm with round ends on which three claws stuck out) electricity pokemon known as Elekid. It was not as hyper as he had thought most Elekid’s to be –judging only from hearsay–; it looked rather docile, its eyes only halfway-open and scratching one of its strange, outlet-stick-like ears with one arm while the other hung limply at his side.

Patch’s pokemon did not look as relaxed as the Elekid at all; the auburn-furred, cute teddy-like bear pokemon with a small, peach-colored crescent mark on its forehead was being held by Patch, clinging to its neck and burying its head in his chest, apparently frightened by something. Elliot grinned when he saw Patch was clearly annoyed by this; he knew Patch had wanted a Machop or a Sandshrew for their impressive level of toughness.

“Eli! We were about to leave, good for you that you didn’t get here too late.” Rachel exclaimed, wagging her finger at Elliot with a look that strangely reminded him of his own mother.

Patch rolled his eyes, chuckling. “That’s a lie, Rach, we weren’t gonna leave without him.”

Elliot intervened before Rachel told Patch to shut up and an argument that would inevitably break out broke out, looking at Elekid and asking “What’s his name?” Rachel smiled, patting her pokemon’s head. “Heheh, I named him Elitric, because his name reminded me of yours and he’s my friend too!”

Elliot smiled, shaking his head as he turned to Patch. “Well, what’s his name?”

Patch glared at Elliot a bit, tilting his head. “Her name is Rox, because even though she’s a clingy chicken…she will...rock.” Patch made his statement in sort of a dodgy way; it was obvious he was telling that to himself more than he was telling it to Elliot. Patch shook his head, sighing. “But whatever. What about yours? I haven’t seen one of those before.”

Elliot smiled, looking at his pokemon. “Well, it’s a she, and her name is Medin, because Meditite sounds too long.”

“A Meditite, huh?” Rachel said. “But, her head…doesn’t look the same as other Meditites.”

Elliot looked down at the humanoid pokemon, which was floating serenely in the air, its blue legs folded in an Indian stance and arms stretching out, with its white feet clasped together. Indeed, the head did not look as other Meditite’s heads; they would usually have large, white hair that was placed in a strangely compact position similar to a garlic, two large, round ears at the sides of the head. However, Medin’s ears were much smaller and shaped like a human’s ears, although a bit pointier at the tips and placed further back along the head. Also, its hair was not shaped like garlic; it was let out freely and was in a large, swivel-ish shape, flowing back and standing out on the back of its head.

Elliot shrugged, placing his arm through the other strap, while Medin at the same time sunk down to the ground, standing up normally with its eyes now open. “I don’t really know what that’s about…” He noticed another group of students leaving. “Hey, guys, if we don’t go now, we’ll be the last to leave. Don’t wanna get left behind, do we?” He smiled at his two friends and looked down at Medin.

Patch nodded. “Yeah, let’s go…Rox, get off me, stop being a chicken.”

Rachel gasped, her eyes widening as she glared at Patch. “Hey! You can’t say that, that’s horrible!”

Elliot looked up into the sky, ignoring the ensuing argument and the whimpering noises from Rox as they began moving against the forest. Yeah sure, there were some minor mishaps, but other than those…yeah, he had went through with the plan. Everything was…perfect. Overall.


*~*~¤~*~*


Anyways, there is is. It was about 10 pages long, and I thought it started off okay but gradually became...slow. But hey, it's just the first chapter.

PS. Yes, I know it's 'Imperfect', not Unperfect. >_>

Owneik
4th July 2006, 7:29 PM
space saver

pepsa
4th July 2006, 7:30 PM
this is really good! i'm sure you could improve in some way, but im not sure. wow first reply

Tale
4th July 2006, 9:03 PM
I loved it. Absoloutely loved it, honestly.

This fic encaptures every good point of a Trainer fic in my personal opinon. The more I read, the more I fell in love with every concept that was brought to the readers attention. The characters, the theme, the way it was written, the acquiring of the Pokemon, the time of day, the name Rachel. All of it was just fantastic.

I dont know where to begin. I suppose the way you wrote it, that, I loved. The way you'd be describing something, then get cut off by dialogue, as if the whole story is in fact being told through Elliot's thoughts. Its original and it really allows us to delve into Elliots character simply because we know exactly what he's thinking. The way you also portrayed his tendancy to plan everything out in his head and stuff - that I could relate to instantly, I felt as if everything that happened there is exactly the kind of thing that would happen to me. Of course, thats more personal, but it was great nonetheless.

I also love everything about the main characters you've created. I adore Rachel already, and Patch, how can you not consider him as cool the first time you read his description. You've really taken the avarage 'boy-girl-boy' group thing, and exapnded it and moulded it into something thats completely original and completely your own. And of course, I love Seth, the way we were introduced to him through the darkness, his face concealed and his voice 'raspy', a fantastic character for the bad guy. The way you made Elliot reject Seth's somewhat desperate proposal to travel along with him was also a fantastic point.


Of course, I wont be the only one to say this, but I love the Pokemon you've chosen. I've always been fond of Elekid, as well as Teddiursa, and their introduction was also a highly entertaining read. I'll also say that the description for those particular Pokemon was written with such skill, that I actually managed to guess the Pokemon you were tlaking about before the name was said - and I'm never able to do that!

Anyway, if you continue writing this the way you've written the first chapter, you can rest assured that you've got yourself a permanent reader here. Dont you dare think about halting this fic, or I'll have your head.

Fantastic job, I honestly do hope you get the next chapter up soon.

Owneik
4th July 2006, 10:50 PM
pepsa: ^_^ I bet there is too, and if you spot something, make sure to mention XD. Thanks!

Tale: Wow...that's probably the best response I've ever gotten to anything I've written. Honestly, I read that more than twice just because it made me happy. ^_^ Thank you very much.

FlamingRuby
7th July 2006, 3:32 PM
Okay...as per your request, here's your review:

Like everyone else has said, you've turned the traditional party upside down...just bear in mind that there is no rule that your hero and heroine have to fall in love. (I'm assuming Elliot is the "Ash", Rachel the "Misty", and Patch the "Brock")

Description was great for the most part, but I spotted one error: if it was 10 PM, shouldn't it be nighttime instead of daytime?

But your characters really steal the show...I love how they interact with each other!

I'm especially interested in who the Gym Leaders of this region are...

Rating: ;025; ;025; ;025; ;025;

For a first timer, you're good!

Owneik
7th July 2006, 8:12 PM
^_^ Heh, thanks FR.

Anyways, I kinda lied; the chapter is definitely not ready to be posted. Sorry. I'll try to see to it that it's done tomorrow...

Owneik
12th July 2006, 1:24 PM
Finally, it's done! I'm very sorry for continuously failing to get it done when I promised, but an off-and-on writer's block and other unfinished business didn't help me much. But it's done now, so I hope you'll enjoy. This chapter is about 9 pages long, but I was surprised the way it ended up...I had planned something completely different, but hey, sometimes you just have to go with your instinct. Anyways, enjoy.


*~Chapter Two: My Pride and Joy~*

It was not a surprise that the loud yet calming chirping of Taillow’s were drowned out and ended by the even louder and not so calming arguing between Patch and Rachel.

To some degree, Elliot didn’t care. Sure, he could have been stung to death by the large Beedrill that Rox had attracted and infuriated when she climbed up a tree and took its hive, eating the honey. And sure, he very much agreed with Rachel that it was not fair that Elitric had been the one to fend off the Beedrill and consecutively been poisoned into submission, having to retreat into his pokeball.

But just like the ever-docile Elitric, who took the poisoning with surprising calmness, Elliot did not bother caring too much. Maybe it was because he was constantly drifting away into thought, thinking about what would happen next. Maybe it was because he was in too much of a state of serenity and joy. Maybe it was because of the somewhat mind- and body-numbing, fortunately not too potent sting from one of the hive’s young Weedle.

Whatever it was, he was still happy, strolling calmly through the forest path, staring at the sky he could barely make out between the flocks of leaves on the trees at the sides of the dirt- and grouse path. Medin was in a similar state, although floating and with eyes closed and legs crossed, still meditating.

Rachel, though…not so much. “Can’t you put your pokemon back in its ball?! Show some respect, Patch! It can happen again, and Elitric won’t be here to save us then!”

Patch frowned, patting Rox’s head as she shook after Rachel’s exclaim, hugging Patch tighter. “Sheesh, Rach, take it easy. You’re scaring her.”

“She didn’t seem very scared when she attracted the giant, deadly stinger!”

“How was she supposed to know?” He moved Rox to his side a bit, away from Rachel’s accusing eyes and…pointing…finger…”It’s only in her nature. That’s what Teddiursa’s do; they find honey and they eat it. It’s not her fault her genetics tell her Beedrill honey’s the best.”

Rachel huffed, crossing her arms. She realized (and denied) that he was right. Elliot looked down and chuckled; it was amusing to see the maternal side of Patch, who seemed to be starting to enjoy cuddling Rox in his arms.

“Well…well, whatever!” Rachel exclaimed, deciding to drop the issue. “Let’s just forget about it…” She took off her backpack and began rummaging through it, before she retrieved a map. “Alright, let’s see…once we get to Edridge, after we’ve gotten Eli and Elitric fixed up,” she briefly gave Patch a subtle yet piercing glare, “we’ll take one of those trolley elevator thingies over Deini Lake, and then hit the road past Manifield Ranch to our first gym, in Lealn Town.”

“Alright then…” Elliot mumbled, staring at a furry Sentret that was hiding high up in a tree, gazing at him curiously.

“It’s called a lift.” Patch muttered, patting Rox’s head. To Elliot’s relief, Rachel didn’t hear him.

“Alright, so we have to travel all the way to Edridge…which takes about an hour in a bus.” Elliot groaned. “Aw man, how long you reckon this trip is gonna take?”

Rachel put her hands in akimbo, shaking her head. “Eli! You should be expecting worse than these kinda trips, we’re in the league now! We’ll be going all over Daikon…it’s not gonna take an hour, you know.” She shoved her hands in her pockets, smiling and turning her head against Elliot. “Besides, its fun to hike around like this! Think of the stuff we’ll see…and the pokemon we’ll fight!”

“And catch.” Patch added, Rachel nodding in agreement.

Elliot shrugged. “Yeah…but it would be nice to have that Floatron…stupid Seth…”

“Forget about him.” Patch said, taking a toothpick out of his mouth and placing it in his mouth while moving his arm to hold up Rox better. “You’re just gonna end up getting upset. He’ll probably fall off anyway, he sucks at driving…well, anything.”

Elliot smiled, tilting his head, reminiscing to the time his class had to show an officer they could all ride a bike in traffic properly. “He hit that car like a bowling ball…”


*~*~¤~*~*

The tired merchant sat down on a treestump in the glade, letting his wooden wagon rest on its handles against the ground. He took off his large straw hat and sighed, putting his hand against his chest in an attempt to slow down his heavy breathing.

No sales. In four long days of travel, he had failed to sell a single item. His boss was going to be angry, that was for sure…probably angrier than the merchant himself was for failing so badly.

He looked up and noticed a man in a long, brown cotton jacket was walking against him, one of his hands in the pocket of his black leather pants.

“****…” The merchant thought, running his hand through his fuzzy, spiked-back orange hair, wiping his sweaty, pale forehead with a tissue. He slowly got up, putting the tissue in his pocket and extending a hand with a slight, strained smile against his superior. As expected, the crimson-haired man did not appreciate it; he silently ordered the merchant to put down his hand with nothing but a furious glare.

“Mr. Wes.” He spoke, placing his arms behind his back and straightening his back, inspecting the merchant.

“…sir…Mr. Callahan…” Wes answered, bowing a bit.

“Stand straight, Wes.” Callahan ordered coldly, stepping past him and sitting down on the stump. “How badly has business gone this month, then?” He asked, his British accent becoming more apparent as he exaggerated certain words.

Wes laughed nervously a bit, scratching the side of his head and shifting on his feet. “That’s…funny, sir…that’s—it hasn’t gone well, sir.”

“How ‘not well’?” Callahan inquired, raising an eyebrow.

“Well…zero-not well…”

Callahan’s eyes squinted agitatedly, his lips forming a very thin, contemptuous line. Getting up, he began striding around in front of Wes. “Mr. Wes…the agency is not pleased. Your capability as a,” Callahan stopped up and waved his hand, looking for the right word, “salesman has been decreasing with every week since last year’s Caneya Festival.”

A slight ‘tick’ went off in the back of Wes’ head; ah yes…the 05’ Caneya Festival.

There was a long pause following that. Callahan stood completely still, staring at Wes, apparently waiting for a reaction. Wes knew what was going to come next…”I’m sorry, Mr. Wes, but the agency doesn’t have time for failures.”…and then with the gun, and the shooting, and the blood, and—

“The agency is merciful, Mr. Wes. We have decided to spare you.” Wes mentally sighed, trying to keep a stoic posture. “However, to prevent further failure, we are giving you a new…business plan and a partner.”

Wes raised an eyebrow in surprise and confusion; a partner?

Callahan turned against one of the thick clods of trees behind him, waving for someone to come out. And from behind them, out stepped—


*~*~¤~*~*

Elliot looked up from the waving grass, his ears perking up. “Eh? Guys, hear that sound?”

Rachel nodded, squinting down the road. “Yeah…it’s…a crowd or something.”

Slowly, the sound grew, and eventually, a gathering of people could be seen far down the side of the road, standing in a large patch of grass where no trees grew. The group hurried a bit to see what was going and was surprised that most (if not all) of the people crowding around something were teenagers, probably even from their school.

And the moment Elliot heard it, he realized they were all trainers.

“Char, look out! Go for the back! Ember!”

Patch poked one of the bystanders in the back on the shoulder, asking him what was going on. “Oh man, you should see! They’re having battles, and whoever wins gets a pokemon…and the loser loses theirs to the winner! You basically win two pokemon!”

Elliot’s eyes widened as he gasped, shocked that people would actually risk their pokemon like that.

“Char, no! ****!” The crowd broke out into loud cheers and screams, and moments later, a brown-haired girl broke out of it, running away with tears streaming down her face. Elliot turned his head away from her friends as they tried to catch up to her and back to the crowd.

“Accepting your bets, anyone, betting on the redhead, eh? Alright then, everyone leave their money here, alright, you betting on the redhead, alright, everyone’s bets go here!” Elliot jumped back just in time to avoid a boy about the same age as him who was stepping backwards around the crowd with a big top hat turned upside down, seeing mounds of money in it. He looked up to the boy’s face and was met with a wide grin.

The boy looked at him with clear-blue eyes, tilting his head. “Betting? The redhead’s on fire, I recommend betting on him.”

Elliot jumped a bit, looking over the crowd; in the center of it -away from the two pokemon who were currently fighting with their trainers standing by, coaxing them-, he saw a man wearing a big straw hat with a large wagon, inside of which piles of pokeballs laid. He looked back at the boy; “Who are you?”

The boy smiled, taking out a normal-sized top hat and twirling it around his fingers before placing it on his raven-black hair, bowing a bit. “My name is Will, Will Keys,!” He extended a white-gloved hand to Elliot. “Business extraordinaire, pokemon expert and charmingly witty trainer!” He said, blinking as he shook Elliot’s hand.

Elliot’s eyebrows rose at the peculiar boy, as he nodded and shook back. “I’m Elliot. I’m a trainer too, in the Daikon League.”

Will clapped his hands together, almost dropping the large top hat which he was barely holding with two fingers now. “Oho! Big ambitions, I’d suppose!” He exclaimed, chuckling. “Well, good luck to you! Wanna bet? Or maybe wanna take your chances at a battle?”

Elliot shook his head; he was not in the condition to fight now, especially not his first fight…and especially not with such a risk. “Uh, no…I don’t wanna lo—“

“Ah, yes…the stakes are indeed high in our business.” Will said, sighing and shaking his head. His tanned face brightened up immediately, as he exclaimed, “But the rewards are even higher!”

“I’m sure they are,” Elliot answered, “but I just don—“

Rachel stepped over next to her friend, looking at Will. “I heard you’d get a pokemon if you win. Is that true?”

Will grinned mischievously, looking Rachel up and down. “Why yes, milady, it indeed is. Care to try?”

Elliot chuckled. “Rachel, you can’t fight, Elitric is passed out.”

“Aha!” The tophat-wearing lad whipped out a small, two-inch wide, rectangular bar with a black, round pad on the top, three sockets lined across it. “I always carry this around; it’s my own personal PokeCenter!”

Patch looked over Will’s shoulder, his eyes widening in awe at the item. “Wow, that’s pretty useful. I didn’t know they made those.”

“Ah, but they don’t!” Will tapped the bar proudly. “I made it myself! It’s my greatest invention.”

Before anyone could respond, Rachel had taken out a pokeball. “Heal him, I’m in.” Elliot looked at Rachel, attempting to convince her not to, but he was silenced immediately by her decisive glare. Will nodded, placing the pokeball into one of the sockets and tapping the pad. There was a beeping noise, and then Will handed it back. “Wow, just like that?” Rachel asked, placing the pokeball onto her belt.

“Just like that!” Will answered. “Now, please do come with me, right through here…” Rachel and Elliot followed Will, whilst Patch stayed behind with Rox and Medin (the loud crowd frightened Rox into screams whenever he stepped too close).

Just as the broke through into the inside of the large circle, the crowd erupted into shouts again. One of the two combatants was just recalling his pokemon, after which he reluctantly handed the pokeball to the man in the straw hat. His opponent -a poncho-wearing boy with large, frizzy red hair and a strange, large mustache- did a little victory dance, spinning his pokeball on his finger.

“Hohoho, I am the winner yet again!” He sung, doing a jig.

Rachel rolled his eyes. “Sheesh, I’m gonna have to beat this weirdo…” A smile spread across her face. “Great.”

“Uh, just be careful Rach. You don’t wanna lose Elitric.” Elliot said, cautiously placing a hand on her shoulder. Rachel shrugged it off, looking at him sternly.

“Take it easy, Eli, just have faith in me!” She exclaimed, taking her pokeball off her belt. “Come on, stache-kid! Let’s see what you’ve got!” Rachel said, glaring at her opponent.

“Ohohoho! Feisty!” He answered in a deep, peculiarly forced voice. He pointed his pokeball against the ground ahead as the crowd began backing away to make space. “I’ll shut you up-a nice and good, yeah?” Pressing the button on the front, a red beam was released from the sphere, and soon, a tall, humanoid-like pokemon stood there. It looked like a large, blue body with two eyes bumping up on the top, along with two arms at the end of which large, white-gloved fists protruded, as well as two toe-less feet. Its most striking feature was the large, white ‘belly’, on which a black swirl was painted. The swirl spun a bit, and the pokemon’s trainer stroke a pose, moving his stretched out fingers in a circle. “Ooooh…look deep into the circle…and you shall see the fists of fury!” The two punched the air in syndication, both posing. “Never shall the great Diego see defeat!” The crowd imitated Diego, pointing at Rachel and moving their fingers in circles, deeply humming “oooooooh…”

Meanwhile, Rachel was laughing; she had already won. With a click of the pokeball button, Elitric was soon out of the air, and the crowd was silenced by the crackling of electricity around its strange ears.

Diego’s arms fell limply at his sides, and his look of shock was followed with a frown. With a completely different voice, he said “Oh, fu—“

“Elitric, Thunder Wave.” Rachel said with a confident smile, watching as the opposing Poliwhirl charged at Elitric; desperation had already set in on it.

To Elliot’s surprise, Elitric swiftly dove under the incoming fist and released a small charge of electricity from its ears against his opponent, effectively shocking it into edgy, held back movements. “Paralyzed…” He whispered, smiling.

Diego smacked his forehead, leaning forwards and holding himself up by the knees. “Come on, Poliwhirl! Get out of it! Hypnosis!”

The Poliwhirl nodded, and slowly but surely, its stomach began swirling again. For a moment, Elitric seemed fazed by it; fortunately, though, it was just his normal docility making it seem so, and the swirling was quickly stopped by a thunder-packed fist directly into the belly. The Poliwhirl stumbled back, unable to hold its belly in pain from the paralyzing effect. Finally, it just gave up, dropping onto its back.

“Yes!” Rachel exclaimed, raising her arms in victory as the crowd erupted into cheers. She happily slapped Elitric’s extended arm, exclaiming “low-five!” and picking him up. Once the euphoria died down, she looked at the man in the straw-hat carrying the wagon. “Well?”

The man nodded, a slight smile on his face. “Alright…he reached into his wagon and handed a pokeball to her, as well as the one he took from Diego. “Here you go. A Poliwhirl and…well, the other one is a surprise.” Rachel nodding, grinning as she placed the pokeballs on her belt. She looked at Elliot and her face immediately changed into a calm, confident one. “Come, on let’s go.” She said, walking proudly through the crowd. Elliot chuckled, following after. From behind him, he heard Will’s voice.

“Alright, alright! That was the last match, everyone give and get your money! We’re done here!”


*~*~¤~*~*

About two hours later, the group was back and still on the road. Time was around two in the afternoon, and the bright green of the forest was slowly falling under a faint afternoon shade of orange.

And under the sunlight walked the three tired teenagers, with the exception of the always-meditating Medin and Rox, who was napping in her pokeball.

Soaring high above the forests was a small bird pokemon whose back was covered in brown, stiff feathers, his petite yet strong wings spread out and his small, blue eyes scouring across the forest. It began slowing down before sweeping downwards into the trees, landing firmly on the shoulder of her brown-haired trainer.

“Did you see him?” Rachel asked, patting the Pidgey’s head. He shook his head, shrugging lightly. “That’s okay. Good job, Hawk.” Rachel said, sending the bird into her newly acquired pokeball. She over to her two friends, who were quietly walking up ahead on the road. “Well, Hawk didn’t see Seth anywhere, so he’s probably using his—“ Rachel glanced at Elliot, “—uh, the Floatron.”

Elliot nodded with a stern look, mouthing a curse silently.

“Well, at least some good came out of not getting it.” Patch said, placing his hands on Elliot’s shoulders and shaking them. “If we had shot over to the next town immediately, Rachel might not have gotten Hawk!”

Sighing, Elliot shrugged, agreeing half-heartedly. Yeah sure, that was great for her…getting two pokemon in one day, one of them probably quite strong. But he had liked that Floatron…he could have been halfway to the first gym already if he had had it…his plan might have followed through…but no, instead—

Rachel looked up, her eyes widening. “Guys! Listen to that!” The other two fell completely silent, listening to the quiet chirps and squawks of the forest’s inhabitants. Soon, the sound of thuds and strange noises comparable to the sound effects of lasers in movies were within earshot…and not just that, but voices…inhuman voices…

“…areful, we might no…ut them in the bag and lo…” The voice of a man could be heard somewhere in the forest, and whatever it was saying, it sounded suspicious. Elliot peered between the trees, scanning for humans; the tall bushes and the void of light caused by the trees lush leaves left anything and everything in the forest unseen.

“Come on!” Rachel whispered, moving against the forest. The other three followed her, Patch and Elliot in half-crouches as to hide from whoever they were looking for.

As they delved into the forest, the voices became clearer, louder. “—the hell, kid?! Don’t toss it like that, put it in the pokeball and load the batch on!”

“Guys, hide over there!” Rachel hissed, pointing to a wide bush ahead that was standing just at the end into a large separation of trees in the forest. The quickly snuck up to the bush and kneeled behind it, staring through them.

There, in the opening, they saw the very same wagon that the man with the straw hat had carried; the very same wagon Rachel’s Hawk had come from. And leaning against it was none other than Will, who was playing with a bundle of cards, performing several impressive tricks. Meanwhile, the wagon-carrier was picking up and placing a slate tray with sockets in it –in which pokeballs rested– in the wagon. On the ground beside the wagon laid a large, red wig, a poncho and a fake mustache, and towering above them, holding a tray himself was…

“What the hell is he doing?” Patch whispered in shock, looking at the other two. “He’s not a trainer anymore or something?” He was interrupted by an agitated “sssh” on Rachel’s behalf.

The wagon-carrier stood up straight, wiping his forehead with a tissue and looking at Will. “Hey, you. The money?”

Will glanced at him, nodding. Elliot noticed Will didn’t look happy at all…not like before, when he seemed like the most charismatic man in the universe. “Yeah, right.” He fished out several bundles of bills from his pocket, flipping through them. “Four, five, six, eight…two, four, alright, we have eleven thousand gil right here. Today was good for a first time, Wes.”

The wagon-carrier, Wes, scoffed, picking up another tray. “Yeah…nngh…right! Don’t try to sweet-talk me, Keys, I won’t deny that you’re the reason we got a single gil.” He looked at their third companion, nodding up. “The kid too…without a trainer, we wouldn’t have been able to do anything.”

Will chuckled, walking away from the wagon, against the forest. For a moment, Elliot thought he saw Will glance directly at him, but he figured his mind was just playing tricks on him. “That insults me, Wes; you know I’m a, well, capable trainer myself.” He looked at the one Wes referred to, grinning. “We just needed a fresh face to fool the crowds. Someone would have, most likely, recognized me otherwise.”

The boy put down the tray he was carrying, glaring at Will while putting up a threatening finger. “Hey, don’t mess with me! First of all, I could kick your ***, both in and out of battle, so don’t try to act all tough, okay?! Second, I’m not going to be hanging with you guys any more! I came for a pokemon and now I’ve got a pokemon, so I’m leaving…you guys are just trouble anyways, stealing people’s pokemon and mo—“

With surprising speed, Will had closed in on him, grabbing the boy by the chin and pressing down his finger into his fist forcibly. “I…am not a thief…we do not steal!” He exclaimed, his glee gone and replaced with an uncharacteristic anger. He let go off his captive, turning away and walking away. “Plus, you can’t be saying those things out loud; those guys might go around telling people.”

Wes’ attention was instantly caught, as he swung around against Will. “What? Who?!” He exclaimed, looking around. To Elliot’s horror, Will pointed directly at the bush, his face blank. And to add to his horror, as Wes quickly approached them, Rachel suddenly jumped out and rushed at the boy.

“You idiot!” She shrieked, punching Seth across the face, effectively knocking him to the ground. She was about to dive at him again when Wes grabbed her arms from behind, then tying his hand around her wrists with one hand while reaching inside his jacket with the other, slowly pulling out a shiny, sharp ite—

“Holy ****!” Patch immediately dove out of the bush, crashing into Wes’ legs, managing to shock Rachel out of his grips and trip him over. Elliot jumped out as well, kicking the knife away and lightly stomping Seth on the chest, knocking him back down as he got up.

Will looked at the three arriving trainers, smiling. He was about to say something, but was sharply cut off by the loud crash of the wagon tipping over as Patch heaved it over, causing the pokeballs to scatter all over the ground, some even opening, which resulted in several critters flying or running away. Wes got up, screaming a furious curse, but he was met with the angry look of a Poliwhirl. To Elliot’s surprise and relief, the Poliwhirl did not seem as if it was going to fight against its trainer, despite him being used against what was presumably his previous master.

“You better back the hell off, buddy.” Rachel snarled at Wes. She looked at Seth, shaking her head disappointedly. “And you…how the hell could you join up with these people?! They’re criminals, Seth! They steal!”

Seth slowly got up, a strange mixture of fear and anger on his face, while at the same time keeping a mocking smile. “Hah! Don’t act noble with me, *****! I only wanted my share…you have to do what you have to do, right?”

Elliot stopped himself from kicking Seth again, looking at Will; he was holding a dark, yellow-striped pokeball in one hand, and the other was twitching in a cramp-like way. Slowly, a strange feeling that whatever was inside it should not come out flew over him, and he placed his hand on Rachel’s outstretched arm. “No, don’t. Come on, let’s just go. We’ll call the cops later…come on!” He pulled her arm agitatedly until she finally let out an annoyed groan, backing away.

Seth pointed threateningly at the three as they walked away, shouting at them furiously. “Hey! Hey! Give me back my pokemon! Give it back!”

“**** you, Seth.” Rachel said, making a rude gesture over her shoulder she walked away.

When he was sure they had left, Will put his ultraball back in his pocket and sighed, rubbing his temples with his right hand while leaning against the wagon with the other. He looked up after a moment, glaring at Wes. “What are you waiting for? You didn’t hear them or something? Hurry up and get the rest of them back on the wagon before the police get here!” Wes grunted grumpily, tipping the wagon back over and beginning to pick up pokeballs. Meanwhile, Will approached Seth with a poisonous glare on his face. “And you…get the hell out of here. Now.”

“Bu—“

“Now!” Will spat, pointing at the forest. Seth nodded and began walking away; however, he didn’t leave before he had managed to grab one of the scattered pokeballs behind Will’s back.


*~*~¤~*~*

And there it is! Whoohoo.

Owneik
12th July 2006, 8:04 PM
Comments, anyone? :/

Alluvion
13th July 2006, 2:54 AM
Ask, and ye shall recieve.

This is a really enjoyable fic! Not too dark, not too lush... Nice and light; a great read.

PLOT

Like you said, it's generic Brand-X stuff, but hey, just make it work!

First complaint: 12th grade? 12th grade?! That's rather late! Is this normal for the region? Why? Every other known region has trainers start right before puberty, why is this one different?

Second; how would the theiving ring ever steal anything? It seems to me that they just conduct (likely illegal) fights, winner take all plus one. Where does all the actual thievery come in?

Not much else to say except for I'm really looking forward to the gym leaders.

CHARACTERS

Certainly one of this fic's strong points. The suedar's not going off at all!

The first order of concern is Seth. He starts like this:


“It’s not Rachel.” A dark, raspy voice was heard through the darkness.

Elliot raised an eyebrow, sticking his hand out in front of him. He was completely unfamiliar with the voice. “And you are?”

The voice answered, although this time it was much lighter, although with the still raspy sound; Elliot instantly knew who it was this time. “It’s me, and I’d appreciate it if you weren’t so close to poking my eye out.”

Elliot scoffed at the sudden slap at his hand. “Seth, what’re you doing?”

Seth, although Elliot didn’t see, shrugged nonchalantly, looking away and putting his hands behind his back. “I was just going to say hello and good luck and stuff, y’know…saying hi to a friend and all…you know…”

There was a long silence, before Elliot finally uttered a reply. “Seriously though, what do you want?”

Seth checked his sides to make sure no one was watching (which was kind of unnecessary, considering the murmur from the students around and the blinding darkness) before stepping a bit closer. “Well…uh, I was wondering, about this whole setting off thing-“

Elliot warily inserted a somewhat concerned, “Yeah?”

“-yeah, about that, I don’t really…have anyone to go with or a ride, so it’d be pretty dangerous for me to travel alo-“

“You’re not coming with us, Seth,” Elliot said, abruptly interrupting and stopping his acquaintance from continuing. “I really don’t like you.”

“…ahem…yes, well….alright then.” Seth said, falling short of something to say. Elliot turned back around just in time to feel a hard slap against his behind.

Sort of like the pathetic underdog. But then comes:


He slowly approached Elliot, a wide grin on his face. He leaned over to Elliot’s ear, and under the guise of the loud applauds and cheers, he whispered into his ear; “Sorry, buddy, but you know, this time I just had to reverse that saying…how does it go…oh right, ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. Have fun trying to catch up now that I’ve got this,” he held up the item, “Eli. See you around.” He then leaned back, mocking Elliot only with his eyes, and then, he walked away.

“See you, Rachel. Patch.” He said to Elliot’s friends, nodding at them.

“Whatever, Seth.” Patch replied.

“Get out of my face.” Rachel added.

Seth rolled his eyes and left the aula.

So raises the questions; which is Seth really, socially awkward or an unrepentant jerk? If he's the jerk, why didn't Elliot notice the sudden shift in personality? Is he not normally the jerk? Did he just start?

Also, there is an unfortunate strand of character names: Seth, Wes, Will. Note that Seth an Wes are both names for the main character in Colosseum. Also note that Will and Wes are both rather short names starting with "W." This is confusing. Avoid these things.

You're really good at getting moments I can relate to. Here are two, without comment:


As he approached his bedroom door, he heard what he assumed was the sound of the pokeball hitting the floor. Instantly, the same feeling came back, amplified. As he laid his hand on the doorknob, it began shaking a bit, and he was locked in place, trying to stop himself from running back and taking the pokeball away from his mother. After what felt like an eternity, he almost pushed the doorknob out of its place when turning it, smashing the door open.


Patch glared at Elliot a bit, tilting his head. “Her name is Rox, because even though she’s a clingy chicken…she will...rock.” Patch made his statement in sort of a dodgy way; it was obvious he was telling that to himself more than he was telling it to Elliot. Patch shook his head, sighing.

On the whole, the characters are really well done. And I just have to quote this part:


“Ooooh…look deep into the circle…and you shall see the fists of fury!” The two punched the air in syndication, both posing. “Never shall the great Diego see defeat!” The crowd imitated Diego, pointing at Rachel and moving their fingers in circles, deeply humming “oooooooh…”

That's what I like, at least.

DESCRIPTION

Not much to say here. Pretty good as is. But I really like this:


His hazel hair –which Elliot envied deeply–, though, had been given a lot of care; it was gelled back on his head in perfectly aligned strands of hair…Elliot always wondered how the hell Patch could have the patience to make his hair the way it is, as he had seen his pale friend’s hair uncared-for, and it was a mess. In fact, sometimes he—

“Hey. Elliot. Why are you staring at my head?” Patch was literally snapping his fingers in front of Elliot’s face while looking away, staring at a group of girls passing by across the street. Elliot mumbled a quick “Nothing…” And they carried on walking quietly.

It's like a parody of those fics where they just stop the plot dead to describe a shirt or something. Like in Moby Dick (not that that's fic*). You know what I mean? Was that intentional?

GRAMMAR

No obvious mistakes, and I'm not about to go combing for one. Great job.

ETC.

Okay, you know that thing where you express cusses as asterixes? It does not work in large quantities. It looks weird. Try substituting some safe words (I'm sure nobody minds "crap") or just type 'em out.

I'll definitely be checking back! Great fic!

~Alluvion
;138;;138;;138;

*Rhyme unintentional

Owneik
13th July 2006, 1:20 PM
First complaint: 12th grade? 12th grade?! That's rather late! Is this normal for the region? Why? Every other known region has trainers start right before puberty, why is this one different?

Second; how would the theiving ring ever steal anything? It seems to me that they just conduct (likely illegal) fights, winner take all plus one. Where does all the actual thievery come in?

1: Actually, I should've mentioned at some point that they're 16; they were graduating the first year of 12th grade (hence the quotes around graduation). I think it's more realistic, as I doubt it'd be safe for a group of 13-year olds to be travelling across the continent alone, on foot, surrounded by dangerous creatures (as made evident by the Beedrill attack). Right before puberty just seems dumb and reckless.

2: Actually, I was going to make that more clear, but I decided it was unnecessary. I'll simply tell you what happened off-screen; after the group left, once Will had collected the money...well, Will has a good sprint, "Diego"'s tantrums were good distractions and Wes and his wagon fit behind bushes.

As for Seth...later on in that particular section of chapter one, you get to see why Elliot knew (from history, yes) that Seth was a smooth-talking jerk. Here, actually;



He slowly approached Elliot, a wide grin on his face. He leaned over to Elliot’s ear, and under the guise of the loud applauds and cheers, he whispered into his ear; “Sorry, buddy, but you know, this time I just had to reverse that saying…how does it go…oh right, ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. Have fun trying to catch up now that I’ve got this,” he held up the item, “Eli. See you around.” He then leaned back, mocking Elliot only with his eyes, and then, he walked away.

“See you, Rachel. Patch.” He said to Elliot’s friends, nodding at them.

“Whatever, Seth.” Patch replied.

“Get out of my face.” Rachel added.

Seth rolled his eyes and left the aula.

I think I made it quite apparent in the first two chapters that Seth was an outright *** who'd do pretty bad things to help himself.

And as for the names; that was truly unintentional. Seth and Wes are in no way connected to Collosseum. However, you might have noticed that Wes was referred to as Mr. Wes; it is his last name, so I can make it so that you'll have something else to call him, namely his first name. Plus, I just really like the name Will. :P

And lastly, as for the curses; thank you for mentioning that, I didn't know the word...well, the bad version of 'butt' was asterisk'd. At two instances of the time * was used, it had to do with the word 'butt'. The rest...well, I guess hell is interchangeable with those. Heh.

Thanks for all the comments, Alluvion.

Act
13th July 2006, 9:58 PM
You're not allowed to bump your own stuffv unless it's a new chapter, just FYI. We'd all be doing it if we could, believe me. At least, I would.

Owneik
15th July 2006, 4:18 PM
Yes yes, I edited the post and then deleted it. Sorry.

Anyways, I've managed to overcome my writer's block, and I'm starting on the third chapter soon.

Act
17th July 2006, 8:27 PM
Hullo. Here on request.

Is 'unperfect' an actual word? Imperfect definitely is (or was first, anyway). O_o.


However, I made it sort of an experiment for me; I took a couple of characters from a completely different place and adapted them to Pokemon, and made this...just to see how they'd work together, and if I could make a generic story good with some...well, hopefully interesting characters.


So is this a crossover?


Sunlight slowly seeped in through the thin, blue curtains flowing lightly in the wind from the open window.

Just as a general word of advice, try to minimize the amount of prepositional phrase you use per sentence. It gets very confusing, and often details end up modifying the wrong words.


reaction to them was one of joy, the

This guy might be better of as a colon.


But today, he was at luckily too distracted;

If you don't see the problem, well...


like any other graduating student of Daniel Nallet Academy would be, considering…well, they were graduating students.

What?

Why is he talking to himself? People do this a lot in fics and it really confuses me. Why can't he think? Unless he has a multiple personality disorder or something. Which would be a hilarious OT, now that I think about it.

Elliot... I guess you don't know, but there's another OT named Elliot that's fairly well-known to any who go to ff.net's pokemon section. I'm going to be thinking of him this whole time, which isn't good. That's not your fault, just... I dunno. I'm in a strange mood right now. *sigh*


and Elliot noticed another one of his friends (well…that was about all of them. Rachel and), Patch, a toothpick in his mouth as usual

Why would you name a kid 'Patch?'


and the beginning of Elliot’s depart.

Departure, not depart. Depart is the infinitive.


following his depart?

Departure. And vary your word useage a little, this is thre third time you've used (or misused) the same word in the space of about three sentences.


in reality, he had read too many novels and seen too many movies about the somewhat underwhelming trainer taking in the underdog pokemon and together becoming pokemon champions thanks to developing a friendship giving more strength than anyth—well, most have heard the story.

You neevr finish this sentence. Without the long, unecesary stuff after the 'about', the sentence is, "...in reality, he had read too many novels and seen too many movies." Once again, you're using too many prepositions, except this time you've4 gone and confused yourself. The sentnce has become so drawn out that you didn't even remember to finish the thought.

Alright, this is probably the epitome of wake-up-and-go-get-pokemon scenes. It also epitomizes the reason why people look down on these scenes. It's just *so* boring and pointless. Even when everything is well-written, and you have decent characters, there's still nothing special about it. It becomes tedious to rad because I know *exactly* what will happen, is happening, and has happened thousands of times before.

A friend of mine is a tad better at explaing this than I am, so I'll send you here (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2362023/2/) and here (http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2362023/17/). Please, do read them.

So, I'm about halfway through, and I think it's fair to tell you that if I wasn't here via request I would have been gone a long time ago. Do you have any idea how boring this is for the reader? Particularly one who reads a lot of OT?


“You’re not coming with us, Seth,” Elliot said, abruptly interrupting and stopping his acquaintance from continuing. “I really don’t like you.”

***** much?


The aula looked different; very different.

This shouldn't be a semicolon. A semicolon must connect two complete sentences.


Elliot sunk into his own thoughts again, although they were less…serene this time. Specifically, they involved the disembowelment and grisly torturing of Seth.

Hahahaha. He deserved it, what's he so mad about?


He slowly approached Elliot, a wide grin on his face. He leaned over to Elliot’s ear, and under the guise of the loud applauds and cheers, he whispered into his ear; “Sorry, buddy, but you know, this time I just had to reverse that saying…how does it go…oh right, ‘if you can’t beat them, join them’. Have fun trying to catch up now that I’ve got this,” he held up the item, “Eli. See you around.” He then leaned back, mocking Elliot only with his eyes, and then, he walked away.

I feel the need to point out that this is just like *every* fic in which there's a ZOMG MEEEN rival. Mostly in that in trying to make the rival look bad, you've made your main character look equally as annoying.


“See you, Rachel. Patch.” He said to Elliot’s friends, nodding at them.

'He' should not be capatalized.


(for a brief moment, everyone were rather discomforted

Everyone was, not everyone were. You're saying everyone. That is, referring to each person individually. Therefore, the verb is singular as well.


but Elliot figured it was the best; that way, he wouldn’t spend hours wondering if he made the right choice.

How is that the best way? The whole reason there are pre-selected starters is that they all have fairly good stats, and can grow up to become strong. How in the world is it fair if one trainer gets a hoppip and one a feebas, simply because they got a little lucky? Not only is it not even, there are some pokemon that even with training jsut won't be good on their own.

Or is this an engine to give Elliot, Patch, and Rachel whatever pokemon you want? I see now.

I do have to wonder what region they're in.


However, Medin’s ears were much smaller and shaped like a human’s ears, although a bit pointier at the tips and placed further back along the head. Also, its hair was not shaped like garlic; it was let out freely and was in a large, swivel-ish shape, flowing back and standing out on the back of its head.


Aw, it's speshul.

-----

How were you not bored writing that? That was brutally monotonous, cliche, and bland in every way it could possibly be. Your characters aren't sues, but are looking very cookie-cutter right now, hich might mostly be because the plot allowed them zero breathing room. The writing itself was fine, but addmittedly I skipped whole chunks of it because it was just so pointless. My brain does this thin where when I'm not into what I'm reading, it sort of turns off and I scan over what I'm looking at, and boy was I battling it.

You didn't even seem to *try* to instill any sense of any kind of motion of excitement into it. You said at the beginning that you were trying for ' the most generic formula of all; the 'get all badges, catch pokemon, have adventure' fic.' I don't really have much to say, because there's nothing to talk about. The whole point of an opening chapter is to be thrilling, exciteing, catch the reader's attention, etc. Why deny it of that? And don't even think about giving me any of that, "It actually is a good plot, and OMG give my characters time to develop, and the first chapter was slow but it will pick up," stuff. No. The first chapter should be one of, if not the, best chapters you write. It's why most OTs fail: most stick to this linear format.

I'm trying to come up with something good here-- usually the ends of my reviews are like essays-- but I'm out of thigns to say. I guess this is a bland, emotionless, rather opinionless review because that's how the fic was. A kid woke up and got a pokemon. What am I supposed to say except, "So?" I don't even want to know how you took the generic opening scene and made it 10 pages.Please, the best advice I can offer right now is to not only red the ficlets at those two links I gave you, but to read the entire fic that they're part of.

I wish I'd gotten an actual taste of your writing here (y'know: plot, characterization, tone). You have a good handle on the Englsih language, and your prose was absolutely fine. But please, put a little effort into making it come together as a pleasant reading experience. It's one thign to be a good writer; it's another thing to write something good. You've got the former down, just work on the latter.

Good luck.

...I have a headache...

Owneik
17th July 2006, 9:04 PM
Hullo. Here on request.

Is 'unperfect' an actual word? Imperfect definitely is (or was first, anyway). O_o.

I actually I mentioned that in the first post. It's suppose to be unperfect. Yup, here it is;

PS. Yes, I know it's 'Imperfect', not Unperfect. >_>


So is this a crossover?


Oh dear no! I'm just using characters I had planned for something else.


Why is he talking to himself? People do this a lot in fics and it really confuses me. Why can't he think? Unless he has a multiple personality disorder or something. Which would be a hilarious OT, now that I think about it.

If you mean about the part where the story goes from narrative perspective to not so narrative perspective, it's because the story's told from his view, and his character is supposed to influence the storytelling at times.

And actually, now that you mention a disorder, I'll admit; he does have one. I won't tell which, but there are some hints here and there.


Why would you name a kid 'Patch?'

I was hoping I could reveal that later, but since you ask; his full name is Patrick. No sane person would name their kid Patch. >_>


This guy might be better of as a colon.

I disagree. Putting colons on the sections in that paragraph would slow down the flow.


You neevr finish this sentence. Without the long, unecesary stuff after the 'about', the sentence is, "...in reality, he had read too many novels and seen too many movies." Once again, you're using too many prepositions, except this time you've4 gone and confused yourself. The sentnce has become so drawn out that you didn't even remember to finish the thought.

It's supposed to be drawn out and confusing; the part where it cuts off is once again his character mixing into the narration.


***** much?

If you can't tell he dislikes the guy from experience, then...meh.


Hahahaha. He deserved it, what's he so mad about?

He rejects a jack*** he hates and he deserves it when they go ahead and steal his stuff? Yeah, okay.


I feel the need to point out that this is just like *every* fic in which there's a ZOMG MEEEN rival. Mostly in that in trying to make the rival look bad, you've made your main character look equally as annoying.

Then it's a success; he's supposed to be annoying. What kind of kid can be a 'badboy' without coming off as an obnoxious, annoying idiot?


How is that the best way? The whole reason there are pre-selected starters is that they all have fairly good stats, and can grow up to become strong. How in the world is it fair if one trainer gets a hoppip and one a feebas, simply because they got a little lucky? Not only is it not even, there are some pokemon that even with training jsut won't be good on their own

Or is this an engine to give Elliot, Patch, and Rachel whatever pokemon you want? I see now.

I do have to wonder what region they're in.

No, it's once again character. If he had picked one on his own, "what if?" would've been stuck with him for...ever. >_> Oh, and the region is Daikon, which is crap japanese for 'great soul'.


Aw, it's speshul.

No, just different looking. I intend to continue doing so, as I'm a firm believer that every single pokemon can't realistically look the same. Well...as realistic as pokemon can get anyways. >_>

And as for the rest...too bad. And I know someone would say 'it was slow', becuase that's exactly what it was, and I acknowledge that. In fact, I want to say that it should be expected for the first few chapters, because for the most part, they're going to be chapters meant to establish the characters, the basic premise and the plot. And I do hope you'll be back (and don't be all *sigh* on me now just because you mentioned you'll go "No." on this), because I do intend to pick it up. Unlike you, I don't think the first chapter is meant to be the best, I don't think it needs to be amazing, dazzling and enchanting. This is how I start off a story; by letting you gain a basic understanding of the characters, the surroundings and the plot (yes, despite how boring and lame they/it they might be).

I'm not saying it'll be better as it goes on. I'm not even saying you'll be getting a better taste of my writing. I'm just saying you'll be getting more of it. I do hope you come back and read on, because who knows, it might be better.

Thanks for the interview. Gave me some things to think about :/

Act
18th July 2006, 3:27 PM
If you mean about the part where the story goes from narrative perspective to not so narrative perspective, it's because the story's told from his view, and his character is supposed to influence the storytelling at times.


No, there was a part at the beginning where, after he mimicks his mother, he continues to talk out loud to himself for no apparent reason. Sort of weird.


And actually, now that you mention a disorder, I'll admit; he does have one. I won't tell which, but there are some hints here and there.

I'm telling you, multiple personality! How great would that be? xD I can also feel the angst coming on. Please don't angst.


I disagree. Putting colons on the sections in that paragraph would slow down the flow.


Well, then it's comma misuse and you should reword.


It's supposed to be drawn out and confusing; the part where it cuts off is once again his character mixing into the narration.

But it's too confusing. There's a difference between the good confusion that is conveying a character's thoughts, which you also did do, and then just totally confusing the living daylights out of the reader, which isn't too good of a thing to do, no matter how intentional. I reread that sentence like four times because I kept thinking I was missing something. You think a colon up there is going to disrupt flow? Psh. That disrupted flow.

You also need to set off his thoughts in a better way. His thoughts are technically *not* the narration in third person limited. If you want this to be exclusively his thoughts, why not just make the whole fic in first person? It would be a lot clearer for the reader. If not, you need to set them off as a separate voice from the omniscient narrator's.


If you can't tell he dislikes the guy from experience, then...meh.


No, I can't, because I know nothing about your character. Nothing. I have never seen him before. I do not know how he reacts to people. *waves* Hi, first time reader over here. Just because you know something about your character does not mean I do. It would have been infinitely kind of you to put something in the narration even as simple as, "... XYZ had tormented ABC in the past." Sorry, I forgot everyone's names O_o. It seemed like (Seth! Right.) this guy had honestly come up looking to travel with someone and your main character had shot him down because he felt like it. There was no implication of any negative history between them. And if there was, it wasn't enough. And because of the rude way (Elliot! Like Facia's Elliot. Right.) Elliot reacted without any provocation, of course I felt justified when Seth stole the pokenav.

I also don't understand why you would want all of your characters to be blatantly annoying to the reader. *shrug* To each their own, I guess.


No, it's once again character. If he had picked one on his own, "what if?" would've been stuck with him for...ever.

Again, you need to separate his voice from the narrator, or blatantly make him the narrator.


intend to continue doing so, as I'm a firm believer that every single pokemon can't realistically look the same.

Then why do Patch and rachel's pokemon have no obvious differences? The point isn't that the pokemon looks different, whihc is fine, the point is that it seems (seems) done as a menthod of making Elliot look better. You blatantly say is it something unusual (which it would not be if this was how all pokemon were, might I add), and have all the characters marvel at it. If you're going to do it, be consistant.


And I do hope you'll be back (and don't be all *sigh* on me now just because you mentioned you'll go "No." on this)

I think you won me back with this sentence.


Unlike you, I don't think the first chapter is meant to be the best, I don't think it needs to be amazing, dazzling and enchanting.

...then how do you plan to attract readers? With blinding mediocrity? *shrug*

I'll check back if I remember to. You can string a sentence together well. Believe me, that already makes you better than quite a good deal fo the writers here. Myself always included.

Owneik
18th July 2006, 8:25 PM
No, there was a part at the beginning where, after he mimicks his mother, he continues to talk out loud to himself for no apparent reason. Sort of weird.

There is a reason, actually; a couple of times, we get to see that he strives to make his 'adventure' the perfect one, and he's trying to model it after that of typical journey stories...:/ but it doesn't really work, since he doesn't sleep in late and his mother doesn't wake him up, so he mimmicks the voice himself. Yeah, he's somewhat insane, but it has a bit to do with that disorder I hinted at...


I'm telling you, multiple personality! How great would that be? xD I can also feel the angst coming on. Please don't angst.

o_O Angst? Nah, I don't really like that. People work too hard to make it seem like a realistic part of human emotion, but only really annoying people constantly ***** and moan. :/


Well, then it's comma misuse and you should reword.

Sorry, but I like it better the way it is.



But it's too confusing. There's a difference between the good confusion that is conveying a character's thoughts, which you also did do, and then just totally confusing the living daylights out of the reader, which isn't too good of a thing to do, no matter how intentional. I reread that sentence like four times because I kept thinking I was missing something. You think a colon up there is going to disrupt flow? Psh. That disrupted flow.

I'll keep that in mind, but I also suspect that it's more or less just you feeling like that. :/ But hey, I know I could be wrong, it's just that no one else has remarked on it.


You also need to set off his thoughts in a better way. His thoughts are technically *not* the narration in third person limited. If you want this to be exclusively his thoughts, why not just make the whole fic in first person? It would be a lot clearer for the reader. If not, you need to set them off as a separate voice from the omniscient narrator's.

I would do first person if it wasn't for the fact that I simply don't like it. I've always felt third-person let you see the story in a bigger picture, so you can understand characters and events outside the minds of the characters...it lets you get your own vision of it. But if I'm making things too complicated, I'll remember to keep it in check and use them thought italics a bit more. >_>


No, I can't, because I know nothing about your character. Nothing. I have never seen him before. I do not know how he reacts to people. *waves* Hi, first time reader over here. Just because you know something about your character does not mean I do. It would have been infinitely kind of you to put something in the narration even as simple as, "... XYZ had tormented ABC in the past." Sorry, I forgot everyone's names O_o. It seemed like (Seth! Right.) this guy had honestly come up looking to travel with someone and your main character had shot him down because he felt like it. There was no implication of any negative history between them. And if there was, it wasn't enough. And because of the rude way (Elliot! Like Facia's Elliot. Right.) Elliot reacted without any provocation, of course I felt justified when Seth stole the pokenav.

:/ Sorry then, I thought I had made it clear. -_- Never thought of it that way.


I also don't understand why you would want all of your characters to be blatantly annoying to the reader. *shrug* To each their own, I guess.

Actually, I misunderstood you; I thought you were still only speaking about Seth, who I was referring to. If you find Elliot annoying...either I did something terribly wrong or it's just your opinion.


Then why do Patch and rachel's pokemon have no obvious differences? The point isn't that the pokemon looks different, whihc is fine, the point is that it seems (seems) done as a menthod of making Elliot look better. You blatantly say is it something unusual (which it would not be if this was how all pokemon were, might I add), and have all the characters marvel at it. If you're going to do it, be consistant.

Now you're definitely getting out of line; when did any of the characters 'marvel' at anything? Rachel simply remarked that it looked different, and Elliot replied he didn't know why. And that was that. If you understood that as everyone 'marveling' at a pokemon's hair, then it was your misunderstanding, no my mistake. Also, I specified on that difference as a device to let readers know that some pokemon WILL look different. Most likely, it will always simply be for aesthetical reasons, not because of them being 'special'.


...then how do you plan to attract readers? With blinding mediocrity? *shrug*

:/ I take risks now and then. I'm willing to simply make a story based on development at the cost of alienating readers due to starting off with the base to develop on.


I'll check back if I remember to. You can string a sentence together well. Believe me, that already makes you better than quite a good deal fo the writers here. Myself always included.

Thanks. If you come back and check, I'll be satisfied. ^_^ Thanks again for the review.

Arcanine Royale
19th July 2006, 2:47 AM
As requested...

Characters

Elliot - main character, lost ticket, pretty good so far.
Patch- main character, Elliot's friend, pretty good so far.
Rachel- main character, Elliot's friend, pretty good so far. Though it surprised me that Rachel stepped up. Either she didn't know you would lose a pokemon or she's like Ash and will walk blindly into any battle. Hm.

No, actually, the friendship trio is a pretty good setup - two isn't enough and four is usually too much.

Seth- the jerk rival. I like it that he got stolen from at the end of Ch. 2. It makes me wonder if he stole Elliot's ticket.

The Agency - the fact that Wes is organizing illegal battles makes me think the agency he works for isn't exactly just for legal profit.

Plot

As a journey fic, this is rather original. It definitely isn't the norm, your characters recieve their pokemon at graduation instead of at a professor's lab. I like it that you notice other characters - like at the "gate" when Elliot is late. Also, the Wes battle thing was sort of interesting.

New Region

So far, you've described enough of the new region. Though I'm pretty sure you didn't mention the town Elliot is from. Maybe you did. Nerran?

Description

Your description is sufficient, and well weaved into the action. It's not too much, an overload, so you're okay here. You also describe for most of the senses - sounds, sights, maybe even smells (not much, I'm pretty sure).

Overall

A very original, well-described, well-developed start. However, I think intertwining the character thoughts with the narration is a bit confusing.

Excellent start.

Note: I'll review every one/two chapters. Feel free to pm me if I haven't reviewed for a while after a chapter is posted, but usually I will. Good luck with future chapters.