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Haruhi Suzumiya
5th July 2006, 10:46 PM
I don't normally like writing, nor am I good at it. But I decided to try my first fanfiction. The first part is from an RPG post I liked. The second is something I can't quite place. Think of it as a prologue. Yes, that'll do.










There was no brief stirring of the air, no exasperation of the wind, no whisperings of the paranormal. Faa let her eyes glint with malice, because betraying one's own self was an ultimatum of one's decisions; it was an implacable defense. And Faa knew this well, however plagued with decisions whilst facing the damned creature. And damned it was. She brought forth an aura of absolute control, and from the tip of her mouth came out the words, "Destroy it."

Rui was, in no doubt, tired and exhausted with fatigue. But it obediently perked up at its trainer's demanding tone, ready to get up and try again, and again, and again...

The opposing creature snarled with impatience. It raised a paw before gently letting it down inaudibly, quivering with natural instincts. Drops of saliva trickled down the matted fur, thirsty from the lack of excitement. Rui took a deep breath, and hoarsely let out a scream, tendrils of electricity escaping rapidly, traveling with high speed on the ground, striking the poor beast, letting it emit a loud whimper. Rui tried to shut out the piteous sound. But it couldn't. It just couldn't.

"For god's sake," Faa whispered furiously, "it's just a Mightyena. A poor, sniveling speck of life living off the butt of my existence." She breathed in deeply, watching her Raichu struggle to raise itself up after the last thunderbolt. The Mightyena finally pried free from the paralyzing shock, watching Rui pant heavily on the ground. With some sort of inhuman wild glee, it scrambled to finish it off, and just when its jaws were about to pose over Rui's bleeding neck...

"Beat it, you fleabag," Faa snapped, kicking the creature away from Rui. It again whimpered, backing away, that horrible, horrible sound traveling to the twitching Raichu, the last remnants of Rui's conscience slipping away.

As the Mightyena retreated, Faa calmly gazed at the worn out Raichu. It stared up, fur streaked with sweat, eyes glazed and looking for sympathy. Instead Faa snatched up her Pokeball, uttering no words of praise.

Just as the accursed container sucked up each particle in Rui's body, just as Rui lost the last bit of its consciousness, Faa said flatly, "You failed."

She threw the Pokeball on the ground.

And she left the scene.



Faa Morgana I


My name is Faa Morgana, excluding the middle name, and I hate idiots. There is nothing in the world worse than a being with a terrible phlegmatic personality, always lagging behind, always the first to give up and last to succeed. This is why I am currently storming through the nearest town, seething with anger and annoyance whilst searching for the nearest pub. If there is something worse off than an idiot, it is the fact that you created one. You plagued humanity with such atrocity. You are responsible for the dullness of the mind, the dearth of intelligence and the scar in mankind's achievements.

People stare at me strangely. Yes, of course, they always stare at the mad woman stampeding through the quiet residence, in desperate search of alcohol. I stare at them with narrow eyes, brimful of malice and hatred. There, I think. I see a building. I want something to drink. Something strong and bitter with a nasty aftertaste. Something that will pleasantly let me stay in the bathroom, gagging, for an hour.

A group of women clustered together are pointing at me. They laugh with sickly tones. There is nothing cheery and harmonic about the way they express amusement. This is the very essence of the disgusting side of women, with their lips smothered in red, cheeks splattered with cosmetics and eyes dripping with mascara. They chatter and gossip. They point at me again and laugh once more, and I-

I give them a rude gesture and stumble into the nearest building.

They're all idiots.

Lily
6th July 2006, 3:57 AM
lol, I remember that RPG post from Tales' sign up. xDDD Nice of you to incorporate it.

Um..kinda short and looks rushed, but overall, impressive writing style. It has that gritty realism to it. It's pretty nice so far . . curious to see where you'll go. ^_^

Haruhi Suzumiya
6th July 2006, 6:54 PM
Oh thank you for the review. I know it was a little rushed. As I said earlier on, I am not very good with fanfictions.

Silentvibrava
6th July 2006, 10:31 PM
I like the prolouge already. I like it because the style of your writing reminds me a little bit about my own, and there are plenty of other reasons. There is a difference between a frivilous fanfiction, and an excellent one. Your fanfiction falls in excellancy, so far.

Also, you captured the mind of a drunk perfectly, and I already like Faa's character. I'm still trying to decide where the plot will go, but it looks intriguing. I didn't notice any grammar mistakes at all.

Time to Quote


My name is Faa Morgana, excluding the middle name, and I hate idiots. There is nothing in the world worse than a being with a terrible phlegmatic personality, always lagging behind, always the first to give up and last to succeed. This is why I am currently storming through the nearest town, seething with anger and annoyance whilst searching for the nearest pub. If there is something worse off than an idiot, it is the fact that you created one. You plagued humanity with such atrocity. You are responsible for the dullness of the mind, the dearth of intelligence and the scar in mankind's achievements.

I just love this paragraph that I had to quote it. It is kind of like a drunk's philosophical moment, but it is true at the same time. You have to like that.


the dearth of intelligence

I haven't seen that word in so long. Not a lot of people know that word, and yet if they do they can never pull off putting it in the sentence. You did, so I'm glad for you.


Yes, of course, they always stare at the mad woman stampeding through the quiet residence, in desperate search of alcohol.

The best sentence of the week. XP


This is the very essence of the disgusting side of women, with their lips smothered in red, cheeks splattered with cosmetics and eyes dripping with mascara.

I agree 100% with that. I am now beginning to like Faa's character.


I give them a rude gesture.

I love Faa's character!

Advice from me? Keep doing what you are doing, and make chapters much longer than the prolouge. This was a highly entertaining read, and things don't catch my eye often. If I really like it I type a long review like this one.

Haruhi Suzumiya
7th July 2006, 2:08 AM
I am pleased to receive such extensive review. I was uncertain on the usage of dearth at first, and I tried to mold Faa's character into my own pessimism. Your anlysis was quite honest. Thank you, Silentvibrava.

Jirachi1
10th July 2006, 12:05 AM
Wow you're really good Haruhi Suzumiya. Now i really want you to help!!! ^^
You know where to find me.
~*+Jirachi1+*~

The Pokemon Master
29th July 2006, 12:43 PM
Hm. Short and sweet, I guess. I seem to be reviewing lots of short things recently… Ah well. Review time! *rolls up sleeves*

…um. Well, it’s not like any of these are going to be extensively long (quite the opposite) but anyway…

Characters/Pokemon

Faa Morgana: The drunk who hates idiots. I like it! Pessimism, an attempt at philosophy, and the whole mindset come together with implacable cruelty and create an extremely interesting character. Wonder what’s going to happen to her, other than drunkenness?
Rui: Ah. I really find myself pitying the Raichu. Hopefully, whoever finds the Poke Ball will give it a better life… Not much else to say about it, though.


Plot

Um. Well, there’s really nothing to put here just yet, I can’t pick out any possible plot clues yet, except possibly the Raichu’s journey of revenge on its cruel trainer. Description was good, though, and though the introduction of Faa’s personality was a bit abrupt, the way you placed it was very nice indeed.


Grammar

Absolutely nothing to comment on here. Great work, keep it up!


Summary

Overall, a bit short, but it’s a good way to provide background for the story to come.



I’ll be watching this, I’m interested in what kind of plot might spring out of it.

Until we meet again…
;150;