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View Full Version : Ash and his new Aipom (bad language...)



chrisivy
6th July 2006, 5:48 PM
;munchlax; ;026; ;

That morning, Ash woke very early. Early enough to still see the stars outside. But he didn't care, he had training on his mind that day. And his dream was to be a pokemon master. His Pickachu was still in the Pokemon Center with Ash's other friends, Brock, Max, and May sleeping. But Ash didn't mind. He had his Aipom that he just caught, in his mind. That thought had bugged him ever since he caught Aipom.

"Aipom, come on out!"

Ash grasped a pokeball from off his belt and threw it far out into the sky. Until, the pokeball popped open and fell to the ground empty.

"What the...?"Ash choked.

Ash felt a bit scared wondering where his new pokemon ran to. He tried calling out for it. But there was no answer. He called to the forest.

"AIPOM!"

But he heard some one in the forest call out, "SHUT UP!" And then a big gust of wind blew towards Ash's way. In a big shock Ash ran back to the Pokemon Center and panicked. 'Where are you?' Ash thought and ran towards Nurse Joy.

"Good morning, Ash. Are you training for your next battle?" Nurse joy asked seeing Ash's worried look.

"I lost Aipom." Ash said hiding his face with his cap. And then soon he started whinning.

"Aipom? OH, that pokemon... A man, a woman, and a meowth came in a few minutes ago. They ran off with a aipom and said that it was theirs..." Nurse Joy whispered.

"WHat?! Nurse Joy, how could you... you... *****!" Ash screeched.

"Don't get upset with me Ash. I didn't know. There is another boy in this Pokemon Center with a Aipom ask him... If he knows." Nurse Joy stared at Ash trying to confort him.

"**** it!" Ash shouted. And then closed his mouth and started at the ground acting grumpy. He wanted to train Aipom. He wanted to see how powerful it was... But now some one took his Aipom, and it is his responsibility to bring it back.

"I looked for Aipom! I'll look for it again!" Ash said trying to support himself.

Until his friends, May, Max, and Brock came rushing towards Ash in a concerned way. 'Maybe they were going to help me find Aipom...' Ash thought and felt a small tug from his hand. It was Max, trying to mutter something to him.

"Team... Rocket... Aipom..." Max whispered keeping it down enough so Nurse Joy couldn't hear.

"Max... what are telling me that... Team..." Ash said.

Max just nodded in a calmly and stared at May. May smiled and opened her yellow bag that was hanging around her waist. And held out a pokeball. Ash turned and then saw Nurse Joy walking away sucpecting that Ash's problem was already solved.

"What is it?" Ash asked a bit nervous. he had already felt his heart cracking into two because he couldn't protect his Aipom. It felt as though he had lost Pickachu. And then he closed his eyes and tookm a deep breath.

"It's Aipom. We retrived it from Team Rocket." Brock said nugding May to give it to Ash.

Ash's eyes open wide and then he bit his lip and smiled. May smiled and gave Ash the pokeball. Soon enough Ash thought that his friends are also pretty good at battling Team Rocket without him. And Ash was lucky that his friends would also support him instead of Ash supporting himself. But still... he didn't want to count on his friends to help him because it was his fault to save Aipom... And it hurt him to think about his friends that way.

"Thanks, I owe you guys alot." Ash said holding Aipom's pokeball in his hands.

Ash was full of gradatude. He couldn't imagine that his friends would actually help him. And now he experienced his friends saving his pokemon, which was a good experinece for Ash.

"Aipom wants to see you!" Max said cheerfully.

"Don't make Aipom sad in there!" May giggled.

"Ash, are a good trainer, but sometimes you might want to get the extra help you don't always get." Brock replied.

"Ok, Thank you. I was really surprised when you all... saved Aipom. From Team Rocket."

"Just open the pokeball *****," Max ordered crossing his arms.

"Ok..." Ash chuckled.

To be continued....

-Ok I hoped you liked it. I'm probaly bad at the details or explaining some part.. or well, how I described Ash, is flat. But, I just hope you enjoyed it. And if the comments are well, I'm deciding that I might continue this story... But you know I probably suck.;190;

Owneik
6th July 2006, 5:51 PM
*looks at The Aipom Catcher*

*looks at this*

*cough*

chrisivy
6th July 2006, 5:53 PM
Hey! Don't say that I'm bad at writing! I'n actually... I'm bad... I'm not that good I'm I?

I really need to practice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!

Uchiha Itachi
6th July 2006, 6:06 PM
I agree this is better than the last one.

But you still have broken a rule here. You put too many random smilies in your post. Please don't throw 10 random smilies around.

chrisivy
6th July 2006, 6:14 PM
Ok, I got the random smilies off....

Yami Ryu
6th July 2006, 6:58 PM
..... you know maybe you didn't get the point that when you write you're supposed to put a bit of effort into the damn story. Just ... the characters feel OOC, and Ash swearing? ... meh.

:/ overall this is just bad.

chrisivy
6th July 2006, 7:19 PM
Wow, thanks. I think I have some confidence, thank you.

Jonouchi
6th July 2006, 7:20 PM
Let me make this short. I understand that you're not that good in writing and I understand that you want help.

Take your time, read some of the stickies here.

Also. If you make a mistake, don't apologize, just let it go. We have rules for other forums as well.

Take a look at some of the 5 star fics we have here. You'll see how some of the members write their fics. You might get ideas too (Don't take them, though)

Also, there's a sticky that says "Advice for aspiring authors" That can give you some help.

Also, if you say you suck, that won't put much of an image on you, now would it? Just post and hope for the best.


Take my advice and keep trying. Not everyone is perfect on their first shot

chrisivy
6th July 2006, 7:27 PM
Thank you Jonouchi! Who ever you are thanks for the advice!!!!!!!!!

~*Nobody*~
6th July 2006, 8:22 PM
OK I wasn't going to review but now I just have to:
1. Read the stickies before a swear in Pig Latian.
2. Don't double post utter spam.
3. Ash wouldn't swear
4. Max wouldn't swear. Max is only about nine years old he wouldn't swear.
5. what is this plot? I don't see anything to it.

Need I go on?

chrisivy
6th July 2006, 8:26 PM
Ok, I got it. Thanks.

Jonouchi
6th July 2006, 8:35 PM
Just read the rules and don't get into more trouble, ok (Don't keep saying sorry. It makes you look desperate)

chrisivy
6th July 2006, 8:36 PM
With all of the comments, I'm sure I'll do great next time! Thank you!

Uchiha Itachi
6th July 2006, 9:03 PM
And stop DOUBLE POSTING

Maybe you dont get it. double posting doesnt mean you post two things in a row that are the same.Double posting is replying twice in a row even if the text isnt the same in both posts.

Now that you've got it please stop dubble posting.

Another thing. Stop saying sorry and telling everyone thank you and stuff. Just FOLLOW THE DIRECTIONS.

~IU

Xiang
6th July 2006, 9:47 PM
It's okay! I was just like you at one point, except people didn't really make me feel bad. I'm redoing my fic for the second time (which means it really sucked).

Okay, first thing. Ash was OOC, but lemme tell you why. ^___^ If Team Rocket did something to his Pokemon, I'd think he'd try to get it back rather than yelling at Nurse Joy for losing it. Other than that, the swear words aren't really neccessary. ^_^

The description is at an okay level, Most five star fics are reeaaaally good at this field. Be on the lookout for different ways of describing, like vocabulary and sentence structure.


"What is it?" Ash asked a bit nervous. he had already felt his heart cracking into two because he couldn't protect his Aipom. It felt as though he had lost Pickachu. And then he closed his eyes and tookm a deep breath

This is good description of emotion, except Pickachu= Pikachu and "it" should be "He". Remove that m from the took and you're good with this part!

chrisivy
6th July 2006, 9:57 PM
I'm being to cry because most of the time I try to get help...And even though I try, I will only get a little better. It would be a surprise if I got a five star but, that will never happen if I don't try. I know that all of the people who write comments are all better that me. But it doesn't mean I'll give up. I'll try...But it might take years...

Xiang
6th July 2006, 10:02 PM
If that's the case, keep trying! ^_^ No one starts out with five stars unless they have written in secret before or they were born with talent. Not everyone is that way, so they'll have to work harder for the same results. That's what I'm trying to do. I'd like to become one of the big fanfiction writers one day, but I have a long way to go.

If you want, the next time you write, you can PM it to me before you post it and I can give you some tips?