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Flaming Lip
7th July 2006, 4:25 AM
Rated G (nothing inappropriate here)


Slipstream

“So… where are you headed?”

Luke looked up from his book, by chance a newly licensed trainer had ended up arriving at the same rest camp that he had come to. It was a fairly basic campsite, a black ditch in the center where many a fire had burned, some logs that had been rolled into almost permanent benches by need of random parties of trainers, and holes where tent pegs had been pitched and re-pitched over the past fifty years. The campsite, placed nearby a dirt road for the more traditional (either or that, or they were less practical, or just to young to drive) trainers, whereas, from an large out cropping boulder, one could see a ribbon of black over the forest that surrounded the area, that was the freeway, connecting the economic world and the metropolises from which it prospered.

Luke sighed, rather annoyed to be disturbed from the rather entertaining book he had been reading and responded, “Home. I’m heading home.”

The new trainer’s innocent blue eyes widened, and he shifted uneasily in his log bench, his hand reaching to his recently received Pokéball. “Why would you be heading home? Don’t you like being a trainer?”

Luke sighed again, and restrained himself from giving a nasty look to the dirty blond trainer, and thought for a moment. Just why was he heading back home? Had he not enjoyed is four and a half year journey across the country? Had he not learned to love his Pokémon, who had stuck with him during the worst of times and the best? Had he not taken pride in his conquest of the many gyms, of his 27th place in the Grand Championship? Of his trophies gained from the many contests he participated in?

Brushing a clump of light brown hair that had fallen below his brow (he made note to have a hair cut upon his arrival home), he finally responded, “I love being a trainer, of course, but I guess I’m just tired. I guess I just need a break.”

Luke and the trainer fell silent for a moment, watching as the last rays of light finally faded. The stars slowly became bright, and the moon took hold of the sky, in its first conquest to the young trainer, and just another to Luke. Seeing as it would be a good time to do so, Luke bent down and lit yet another fire at the pit, and prepared himself a simple meal from the last of the food he had with him. He offered some of his food to the young trainer, but he refused, setting himself to starting his own fire, and preparing his own food.

“So what’s your name?” The young trainer broke the silence, looking over his burned piece of steak, and at the same time trying to get a barbeque sauce stain off his maroon T-shirt.

Luke looked up from his book, this time without a sigh of exasperation, as he had decided it had become too dark to read anyway. “Oh yeah… My name is Luke, and yours?”

“David,” The trainer said, finally giving up on rescuing his brand new shirt. David yawned, finding that the excitement that had driven him through the (which, in the many dreams and conversations leading to it, was supposed to be the very greatest in his life) day had begun to wane. He was exhausted, his legs covered with small scratches and bug bites, and his new Charmander was rather hostile towards his master.

“I don’t mean to discourage you, David, but just so you know, the life of a trainer is hell. And don’t expect any rewards for it. If that’s all you anticipate, than you’ve missed the point, it’s the journey itself that is the reward,” Luke said with a rather forced looking smile, “now, I’m heading to bed. I suggest you get some sleep too. The second day is harder than the first.”

David nodded and watched as Luke put out the fire, and as his silhouette crawled into a sleeping bag. He could not make sense of what Luke had said, and examined it as he eased into his own sleeping bag. Like the stain on his shirt, he gave up as he drifted to sleep, deciding it didn’t really matter.



The sun had already risen when David woke up, and as he bent up he saw that Luke had gone. Smiling, he gathered his things, and found himself energized by his ambition again. He let his Charmander out of its Pokéball, who proceeded to snarl at him, claws bared. David returned its stare, and the orange lizard relented, and followed as David began to walk on.

“I know you don’t like me right now, Flame,” David began, as he put on his favorite green cap, “but I’m sure we can work it out if we try.”

Flame put his claw to his cream colored chest and nodded, as if he understood.

David smiled, and they both continued along the path, the silhouette of the nearby city inviting them forward. David’s thoughts drifted briefly to Luke and his words. I’ll understand it one day, he thought, when I head home too.

jirachiman876
7th July 2006, 4:47 AM
wow, lip, tis been such a long time since I've read something of yours that wasn't poetry of course. Though even then i didn't read all but one of that.
Anyway, I loved it. Great improvement from when I read your first fic. Ah the good old days. Anyway, love the message though a little random. It would have worked much better if you had Luke reminisce about his first day and his amibtions, then how, after being all he could be, he realized that a journey isn't all that's cracked up to be. Then have Luke mention it to the beginning trainer. Just my opinion on I think would make this one-shot much better.
I did find one mistake...
as he had decided it had become to dark to read anyway.
become too dark to read.
Other than my silly opinion, I thought it was a very good one-shot. I can't wait to read this chaptered fic I thought you were going to write. *looks at sig* Darn I guess not. o well.
jirachiman out ;385;

Flaming Lip
7th July 2006, 4:52 AM
Thanks for the review. ^_^ I fixed the mistake you pointed out.

I was planning on having him reminisce about his first day and how journey's weren't quite as expected, but he would've already needed to do that in order to decide to head home. That was supposed to be his justification, and I wasn't keen on rewinding the story to the point where he decides to head home.

Anyway thanks! *flan*

(BTW: My chaptered fic may have been canceled, but I have another concept that might just hit the Non-Fic section sometime this summer *hint hint* ;p)

IceKing
7th July 2006, 5:51 AM
.....ARRRGHHH! Damn Review didn't get through first time <_>


Luke looked up from his book, by chance a newly licensed trainer had ended up arriving at the same rest camp that he had come to.

How could he tell he was a new trainer?


Luke and the trainer fell silent for a moment, watching as the last rays of light finally faded. The stars slowly became bright, and the moon took hold of the sky, in its first conquest to the young trainer, and just another to Luke. Seeing as it would be a good time to do so, Luke bent down and lit yet another fire at the pit, and prepared himself a simple meal from the last of the food he had with him. He offered some of his food to the young trainer, but he refused, setting himself to starting his own fire, and preparing his own food.

I really liked the way that was worded, it was very humane and really set the peaceful mood for the starry, camping night. There seemed to be a good silence between the two though.


“David.” The trainer said, finally giving up on rescuing his brand new shirt

Comma instead of period. I like the shirt stain detail, it makes the story seem very real


“I don’t mean to discourage you, David,


“I know you don’t like me right now, Flame,”

Commas before direct adresses


Like the stain on his shirt, he gave up as he drifted to sleep, deciding it didn’t really matter.


Great simile



Pretty good one shot, I liked it. Especially its very short length making it easy to review. Hopefully my sister wont make the computer freeze this time around! So anyway, I thought this was a nice short one-shot, type that makes you just sit and ponder for a second. I thought it was pretty cool how the entire meaning of the one shot pretty much sat on one line and the rest was just regular interaction. My main wish was that there was more interaction between David and LUke, it seemed to slump at some points. Other than that, it was pretty good. I was fond of your use of language, set a good peaceful tone and junk. Good contrast between David and Luke, I clearly saw how David was young and naive and Luke was older and more mature, kinda reminds me of our conversations the conversation they had =D Ah well, pretty good one-shot, I just wanted to see more interaction between David and Luke, that is all!

Flaming Lip
7th July 2006, 5:59 AM
Thanks Fenit! =D

I'll correct this mistakes right away.

Do you think you could point out times when the intereaction between David and Luke slumped? It might help in a future revision. As for Luke being able to tell, I should've been more specific, but I tried to imply that it was by some good guess.

I might revisit these two charecters, as I rather like them. As I reread my one-shot, it looks more like an excert of a story than a stand alone one. So maybe thier could be seeds of a longer story in it.

Anyway, thanks for the review! *flan*

And

Charziken 13
7th July 2006, 10:59 PM
Ooh, got it up sooner than I expected, I see.

Well, I already gave my review when I beta-d, but I guess it wont kill me to do it again.

As said, this is more thought provoking than intense, which I like. Not that it should be the norm for everything, but it makes a nice change.

The Luke-David conversation really raised some questions in my mind. When I first got into Pokemon, I kept thinking how awesome it would be to be a trainer, travelling like that. Luke really makes you re-think all of that romanticized hype fed to everyone, and gets down to the reality that you're on your own, and don't expect anything from anyone. That was a pretty cool thing to write.

And as to how Luke knew how David was new, maybe you could put in something like David clumsily getting ready to sleep, like he'd never done it before, or the Pokeball's exterior didn't yet have a mark on it, or something that implies inexperience. That would really wrap things up, though it is still really good without that minor detail.

Char

GoGoTenda
8th July 2006, 3:56 AM
It's short, that's my only complaint (if you can even call it that). While I would have very muchly liked this to continue, the length was just right for tying the story up. The message is clear and concise, executed well, and brushed with light comedy. I would definately recommend that this become a full story, centering on Luke, David, or both. I liked the characters: they felt very real considering how little description there was. Since others have pointed out the mechanical errors, I'll leave those alone. I commend you, great Byz.

Oh, and I definately felt some weird shonen-ai vibes...but that's probably just me...probably. :P

Flaming Lip
8th July 2006, 5:19 AM
ZOMG! Reviews! <3

Charziken: Thanks! That was exactly what I wanted the one-shot to do. I wanted to make people think about that. I'm really happy I acheived that.

And thanks for the suggestions; I'll try to work with those if I ever revise it.

Go-Go: Glad to here you enjoyed it, and that the charecters seemed real. I wasn't keen on adding to much description. As for length; well if I do write a story based on these charecters (likely talking about both of them or something like that.) it will certainly expand upon what I covered here. I didn't want to force length out, as it'd ruin the flow of the story.

Oh and of course you sense those vibes, there are only two charecters. XD

indigestible_wad
10th July 2006, 9:21 PM
Had he not have fun in his four and a half year Have does not make sense. Had would be better.

Flame put his claw to his cream colored chest and nodded, as if he understood. “Char!”I really don't see the point of making the pokmeon exclaim. When it does that it sounds happy and cliche. And from the beginning of that scene, it sounds like the pokemon does not feel happy at all. Possibly change that a little and it will make more sense.

Yes, this was short on paper, but in reading it it felt plenty long. You did good on finishing this one shot early, as most of the time something like this would dwindle on forever. The shortness was fine.

Twenty-seventh place. I would like to know where you pulled that one out of.

Flaming Lip
10th July 2006, 9:29 PM
Thank you! Fixed the mistakes, and got rid of that cheasy exclimation (it was a cliché I just couldn't resist :P).

Nice to hear the length was decent.

As for 27th place, I think its the perfect place thats fairly impressive, but not to mary-sueish. Plus, I like the number 27. <3

XP

*flan*

Sike Saner
10th July 2006, 9:55 PM
The stars slowly became bright, and the moon took hold of the sky, in its first conquest to the young trainer, and just another to Luke.

THAT IS GORGEOUS. It also has a very lyrical quality…YOU! Write some lyrics! Do it! You’d kick *** at it and you know it’s true! ^^


“I don’t mean to discourage you, David, but just so you know, the life of a trainer is hell. And don’t expect any rewards for it. If that’s all you anticipate, than you’ve missed the point, it’s the journey itself that is the reward,”

That part right there captures the spirit of this piece in a nutshell. Very nice.



Good choices of words and a nice air of introspection on Luke’s part made this a very nice read. Boss work, sir. ^^ *gives cookies*

CHeSHiRe-CaT
11th July 2006, 9:44 PM
I like the contrast between the new and the old Trainer, the experienced Luke reflecting on his own journeys in the presence of the beginning David, who is just yet to discover the first of what Luke discovered along his way to becoming a seasoned Pokemon Trainer. As one torch is blown out, another is lit. Awesome one-shot; I'm very glad I read it ^^

Flaming Lip
11th July 2006, 10:02 PM
Yay! More reviews. <3

Sike Saner: XD I kinda thought that sentance was awkward; nice to know you liked it. ^_^ Thats exactly what I was going for; I wanted to sum it up with one or two strong sentances, and have the rest really there to help set the mood. Glad that worked too! *turkey a la mode*

Brother of Garlic- err.... CHeSHiRe: The idea of one torch going out and another being lit was exactly what I had in mind when I started the story, but I was afraid that as I wrote it, that idea kinda faded a bit, nice to see its still a noticable thing though! I'm also quite happy with the contrast myself. ^_^ *gives garlic ice cream*