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CHeSHiRe-CaT
7th July 2006, 8:27 AM
For some reason, the old thread was deleted or pruned O.o Anyway, here comes at you a hopeful attempt at getting you to laugh, and to maybe look on the crazier side of life, following myself and my co-hosts in this bizarre series. NOTE: This series will get a bit mature due to dialogue, so know that not all of this is for the virgin-eared.

-+To appear as a guest (every other episode), PM me. However, it'll usually be me who will contact you first+-

Episode One: In YOUR Pants

(The setting is a dark, shadowed room. Nothing is in view for a moment, but slowly, coming from above is a beam of light that illuminates a shape sitting on the floor. We soon see that the shape is a Teddiursa doll, staring endlessly out into the darkness around it. A string is attached to its back, and the end of the string follows into the shadows. Suddenly, the string is pulled, and an electronic voice emanates from the Teddiursa doll.)

Doll: Weight loss results guaranteed. Call now and get your second bottle free.

(Suddenly, we hear a giggling noise in the background, and before anyone can think, we hear a sharp explosion. An aerodynamic wind shoots from the darkness, and a long arrow impales the Teddiursa doll’s head.)

Doll: Side effects include hair loss, genital rash, genital frostbite, lemony juices excreting from the ear, Cambodian hip-swinging, and genital pimples. Not available in Canada.

(Suddenly, carnival music that one might hear around a carousel is heard, bells chiming and horns honking, but it abruptly stops. The darkness fades away, brightening up to a great auditorium with a black stage. Upon the stage is a set: a long, and I mean long, wooden table, a slanted shack resembling a funhouse with shadows peeking out of the windows, oversized mushrooms popping out of fissures in the stage, and hanging near the table, a vast mirror that appears to mimic a screen. In the background, “In the Hall of the Mountain King” begins to play, while we see a figure walk out of the front of the shack. The audience outside the stage begins to scream bloody murder and toast.)

Audience: BLOODY MURDER!!! TOAST!!!

(We see many tea kettles, plates, cups, and sugar bowls scattered about the table, and as the figure walks onto the stage out of the slanted house, it takes the shape of a boy of about fifteen years old with long, feathery blonde hair, blue eyes, black-rimmed glasses, wearing an orange T-shirt and a pair of baggy green kaki pants. Following him, coming out of the slanted house, is a Quagsire smiling prominently, waving its paw at the audience as a Skarmory pursues, swooping in from behind the house. The audience roars as the boy rushes up in front of the table with the Quagsire, grabbing its paw and taking a bow. The Skarmory flies in and lands right on top of a tea kettle on the table, smashing it to bits.)

Boy: Thank you! May the cheese bless your angry hearts. I KNOW YOU WANT MORE.

Quagsire: Egg bomb.

(The Skarmory begins to fold its metal wings at its side, stamping about the table to face the audience. As the clapping ensues, the boy then motions with his hands to quiet down a bit more. The Quagsire, meanwhile, waddles off near the table, grabbing the sugar bowl.)

Boy: All right, the show’s aboot to begin.

Quagsire: (dips paw into sugar bowl) You bet YER bottom dollar.

Boy: Welcome one, welcome all, to the premiere of Insanity Johto, live from our studio here in Goldenrod City, just near the Radio Tower! I’m your host, the Cheshire Cat.

(At this, the audience applauds, but the Skarmory scuffles across the table to scream in the boy’s ear with an iron voice.)

Skarmory: I don’t see a tail coming out of your ***. Or a bit fat grin.

Chesh: Keep it cool; it’s my alias, you bag of nails.

Quagsire: The corn is green.

Chesh: Oh yes, and these are my co-hosts, chums, and Pokémon, Shiny the Quagsire, and Mannix the Skarmory!

Shiny: Please to meet you.

Mannix: Quite.

Chesh: Aherm. So, you’re wondering why you’re all here, aren’t you?

(Chesh then walks over to the remnants of what was left of the Teddiursa doll, picking it up as stuffing falls out. He pulls the arrow out of its head, drops the doll, and then licks the arrow. He sniffs, and then laughs.)

Mannix: What?

Chesh: Dunno. Just sort of tastes funny. I expect it was the phantom.

Shiny: THERE’S A PHANTOM HERE?

Chesh: Dunno. It was either me having a moment, or some phantom lurking about the studio.

*silence*

Mannix: Get on with it.

Chesh: RIGHT. So, now I know you’re all here because you obviously ordered tickets to be in our studio audience, and those of you at home purposefully turned your thingie-mabobs to this partickler station. But why did you do it?

Shiny: It’s the purpose that binds us.

Mannix: Purpose that controls us.

Chesh: Cause, and effect.

(The three put on sunglasses as they reminisce The Matrix, but suddenly drop them to the floor.)

Chesh: (holds up finger) Well, I know why you all care to bother with this show! It’s because none of you are getting enough madness in your life!

Shiny: (addresses the audience) Are you depressed?

Mannix: Feeling lonely?

Chesh: Can’t bear having to go to work every day and fill those jars with mustard?

Shiny: Or can you feign tears so well that you can make a dairy farmer give you one of his Miltank out of sympathy?

Chesh: Then you’ve come to THE RIGHT PLACE. Here, me, Mannix, and Shiny go out into everyday Johto, stirring the pot as we make your life spontaneous. We then come back to our studio and show you our day, and give you tips on how to lose your pesky sanity.

Mannix: Don’t forget trying to convert special guests when we order them.

Shiny: Sanity is like a bubble. It’s round and orderly, but when you pop it, sticky stuff bleeds everywhere.

Chesh: Exactly.

Mannix: So, are we ready to get started?

Chesh: MOST DEFINITELY. Ya’ll gather ‘round the tea table. SHINY! Hit the SWITCH.

Shiny: Aye aye, cap-ee-tan!

(Chesh takes a seat at the end of the table, while Mannix climbs down into one of the leather chairs behind the table, along with Shiny, who tumbles down into his own seat upside-down. Shiny then rearranges his body, and lifts a teacup in front of him off of its plate. Underneath the cup on the plate is a light switch, and quickly, the Quagsire hits it. The mirror hanging near the table then begins to fizz with all that nasty static like a television might. However, it doesn’t seem to be working, and Shiny keeps hitting it over and over. Chesh snorts loudly, and Mannix pecks the Quagsire on the head.)

Chesh: Er…it seems we’re having some technical difficulty.

Mannix: Wardrobe malfunction.

Shiny: It’s the evil of the machine age; perfect pistons and no manners.

Chesh: What do you suggest we do?

Mannix: Why not bring some cameras with us out of the studio?

Shiny: That’s not a half-bad idea. In fact, it might be great!

Chesh: Huh?

Mannix: You know, just live feed the tele-mirror, and we go out there in the world and show ‘em who’s boss.

Shiny: Your mom?

Chesh: You know, I like that. It’s tidy. ALL RIGHT, AUDIENCE! We’re going out to the streets of Goldenrod, and showing you our journey along the way!

Mannix: One us should stay in case the phantom shows up again (stares at the Teddiursa doll mess on the ground).

Chesh: Good thinking, Mannie. You stay here and guard the place.

Shiny: The phantom won’t be able to shoot arrows through your head! (knocks on the metal bird’s head)

Mannix: (sighs) I could’ve been a contender.

Chesh: Come on, Shiny! LEZ GO.

Shiny: I…love underwear.

(Chesh then grabs the Quagsire, dragging him off stage and down a flight of stairs into the audience, while camera men follow closely behind. The audio/visual feed is displayed on the mirror as the Pokémon and the human speed past the aisles out the front doors, and out of the main entrance. They enter the blinding, warm daylight with a twilight sky fading behind the skyscrapers and buildings of Goldenrod, trudging out onto the sidewalk. As they continue walking, cars, people, and Pokémon go off in different directions and intersections, off to do the things of their daily lives.)

Chesh: Now, look at all these people going by.

Shiny: Why should I?

Chesh: Er…because. They’re pathetic.

Shiny: How so?

Chesh: Just look at them! If you peer past their windows, you can see people staring at the windshield, just being all emo and stuff, going off to work or home to make a crappy dinner, or even worse, eat a crappy dinner.

Shiny: Mmm, crap.

Chesh: These people are in need of our help.

Shiny: BUT HOW CAN WE HELP THEM, DOCTAH?

Chesh: I’m not really a doctor. I just…play one on TV.

*crickets chirp*

Shiny: Again, how do we help them?

Chesh: Oh-em-eff-gee, stay HERE.

(Chesh then leaps into the middle of the road in front of a little old woman driving a Mini Cooper. The little old lady slams on her brakes, stopping just an inch away from the boy’s waist as he grins with amusement. The little old lady with her white hair screams inside of her car, and looks a bit appalled. Chesh then motions for Shiny to come over with him to her window. The Quagsire waddles over as traffic comes to a halt, while the little old lady hyperventilates.

Chesh then taps on her window, signaling for the woman to roll down her window as cars behind honk loudly. She does, although with a puzzled expression on her face.)

Chesh: Hello, ma’am! I’m Chesh, and this is my Quagsire, Shiny. May I ask what your name is?

Shiny: Meredith?

Chesh: Bagley?

Shiny: Kupo?

Old Lady: Actually, my name is Mary Ethel Louise!

Chesh: Well, Mrs. Louise, may I ask to catch a ride with you?

Mary: Er…why?

Shiny: We want to spice up your life!

Mary: But I’m afraid I don’t like herbs…

Chesh: But Mrs. Louise…aren’t you bored?

Mary: Well…a bit…

Shiny: Are you going home to eat a crappy dinner?

Mary: Actually, I’m making baked beans with green beans soaked in chicken broth, and nutty bars…

Shiny and Chesh: Oh dear.

Mary: Oh my, what am I going to do?

Chesh: If you let us help you, Mrs. Louise, we can help you make your day better!

Mary: Well…if you boys insist.

Chesh: Thank you! You’re very considerable for your size and weight!

Mary: Er…what about them? (addresses camera crew)

Camera Crew Guy: Don’t mind me, ma’am. Just pretend I’m not there. It’s not like anyone notices us anyway… (sulks)

Chesh: Nope, not a clue.

Shiny: Was that the wind?

(Chesh, Shiny, and “nobody” get into the car, with Chesh in the front and the two others in the back. She begins driving again, traffic becoming loose once more.)

Mary: So, what do you suggest we do?

Chesh: Well, while you’re driving, it seems there may not be much you can do.

Shiny: Quite.

Chesh: Are you good at multi-tasking?

Mary: Absolutely. I can hold a cell phone to my ear, drink my liquor, play Parcheesi, AND smoke at the same time.

Shiny: Ah, but can you bite air?

Mary: No…

Shiny: Owned.

Chesh: Anyway, so you won’t have trouble driving and doing this. Now, you see all those signs out there as you pass?

Mary: Yus.

Chesh: Well, they seem a bit boring and dull right now. For example, see that Express Lube sign over there?

Mary: I do.

Chesh: Well, for every sign you see, look at it, and whatever it says, end it with “in my pants.”

Mary: How?

Chesh: See? “Express Lube”…in my pants.

(Mary begins convulsing with laughter.)

Shiny: Don’t pee your pants, madam. I know when I’m deceived.

Chesh: Now you try!

(Mary squints through window as they drive near an intersection.)

Mary: “Four-way” in my pants!

Shiny: Isn’t it lovely?

Chesh: By Jove (whoever the hell that is), I think you’ve got it!

(They drive by a bookstore, seeing a book special on sale.)

Mary: “My Bible Friends” in my pants.

(Driving past hardware store.)

Shiny: “Air conditioning” in my pants!

Chesh: “Hammer-time” in my pants!

(The group continues to drive for nearly a half-hour, blurting out things as they see signs, roaring with laughter. Chesh finally conducts them to the Department Store to buy Mary a different recipe for her dinner that night: Rutabaga Pudding and Grilled Murkrow. They even buy some exotic clothing for her, and at the end of their live-long day, she drops them off at the studio, wearing a bright green gown with a pink feather boa, sunglasses, a tan, and cackles of laughter.)

Mary: Thank you so much, Mr. Cat!

Shiny: No, THANK YOU!

Chesh: I’ve gotta say, that’s the most fun I’ve had in a while…

Mary: …IN MY PANTS.

Chesh: Um…bye.

(Mary drives off.)

Shiny: Oh, TIME’S almost out!

Chesh: …out of what?

Shiny: Dunno. I wonder if Time keeps a secret stash?

Chesh: I have some catnip in my freezer.

Shiny: Nah. Let’s get back in the studio.

(Shiny and Chesh dive back into the studio, and run up on stage. Mannix is spread out on the table, tea dripping all over its metal feathers. The camera feed is cut off, and the mirror hanging resumes to its reflective surface as the studio audience applauds. However, the boy and Quagsire smack Mannix repeatedly, trying to wake him up, as he seems knocked out.)

Shiny: He’s got tea all over him! He’s going to rust!

Chesh: Then we’d have matching outfits (pulls on his orange shirt). Maybe we should dip you into some Paprika, Shiny.

Shiny: Only if I get deviled eggs with it.

Chesh: Deal.

(Shiny and Chesh then lift Mannix’s heavy body off of the table and coax the fainted bird into a fake conscious position. Shiny then makes Mannix do a dance while acting as a ventriloquist. Chesh then grabs one of the tea kettles, runs up in front of the table, and holds it to the crowd.)

Chesh: Thank you for watching our first episode! We hope to catch you all again some time! YOU DESERVE SOME TEA. (tosses kettle out into crowd and hears a smashing noise, a cry, and then a thump.)

(Applauding ensues as red curtains fall over the scene.)

Timid Kyogre
7th July 2006, 8:40 AM
YAAAAAAAY XD


Skarmory: I don’t see a tail coming out of your ***. Or a bit fat grin.

Chesh: Keep it cool; it’s my alias, you bag of nails.

Quagsire: The corn is green.

I dunno why, but that made me laugh XD


Shiny: Sanity is like a bubble. It’s round and orderly, but when you pop it, sticky stuff bleeds everywhere.

Chesh: Exactly.

*nods*


Chesh: Just look at them! If you peer past their windows, you can see people staring at the windshield, just being all emo and stuff, going off to work or home to make a crappy dinner, or even worse, eat a crappy dinner.

Bolded part remindes me of someone who I was laughing at today...xP lmfao


Mary: Actually, I’m making baked beans with green beans soaked in chicken broth, and nutty bars…

Shiny and Chesh: Oh dear.

XDD

The whole "In my pants." part was awesome XD

Good luck with the next episode, Chesh!

~Timid Kyogre

CHeSHiRe-CaT
7th July 2006, 7:29 PM
Well, dankoo, TK. Now, since peeps decide to be closet readers, I'll just post the next episode ^^;

Episode Two: The Pit of Doom

(The setting is a dark, shadowed room. Nothing is in view for a moment, but slowly, coming from above is a beam of light that illuminates a shape sitting on the floor. We soon see that the shape is a Teddiursa doll, staring endlessly out into the darkness around it. A string is attached to its back, and the end of the string follows into the shadows. Suddenly, the string is pulled, and an electronic voice emanates from the Teddiursa doll.)

Doll: Repetitive routine.

(Suddenly, we hear a giggling noise in the background, and before anyone can think, we hear a sharp explosion. An aerodynamic wind shoots from the darkness, and a long arrow impales the Teddiursa doll’s head.)

Doll: Smite me now, Almighty smiter.

(Suddenly, carnival music that one might hear around a carousel is heard, bells chiming and horns honking, but it abruptly stops. The darkness fades away, brightening up to a great auditorium with a black stage. Upon the stage is a set: a long, and I mean long, wooden table, a slanted shack resembling a funhouse with shadows peeking out of the windows, oversized mushrooms popping out of fissures in the stage, and hanging near the table, a vast mirror that appears to mimic a screen. In the background, “In the Hall of the Mountain King” begins to play, while we see a figure walk out of the front of the shack.

We see many tea kettles, plates, cups, and sugar bowls scattered about the table, and as the figure walks onto the stage out of the slanted house, it takes the shape of a boy of about fifteen years old with long, feathery blonde hair, blue eyes, black-rimmed glasses, wearing an orange T-shirt and a pair of baggy green kaki pants. Following him, coming out of the slanted house, is a Quagsire smiling prominently, waving its paw at the audience as a Skarmory pursues, swooping in from behind the house. The audience roars as the boy rushes up in front of the table with the Quagsire, grabbing its paw and taking a bow. The Skarmory flies in and lands right on top of the table, clawing at the wood furiously.)

Chesh: Hello!

Shiny: Hola!

Mannix: Allo.

Chesh: Kunichiwa!

Shiny: Aloha!

Mannix: How ah yew doin’?

Chesh: And…yo. Welcome back to Insanity Johto! We had a blast the first episode, but that was only the introduction. Today, we’ll be introducing each segment of our show, and give you a bit more insight on our personal selves.

Mannix: Can selves be personal?

Shiny: Oooo! Where can I buy a “self?”

Chesh: You have one. I’m talking about your body, soul, and mind.

Mannix: Oh.

Shiny: Well, THAT was uncalled for.

*silence*

Chesh: Anyway… Every show, we’ll start off with On the Field, where we show you a pre-recorded video on that thar mirror (points to mirror) of us on the roads of Johto, searching for the crazy wonders of our world, and ways we liven it up.

Shiny: I shove smelling salt in life’s pants. Refreshing.

Mannix: That reminds me of a Crest commercial.

Shiny: What Crest commercial?

Chesh: HOES. The one where the lazy people who don’t use toothbrushes use their FINGERS?

Mannix: Aye, that be it.

Chesh: El-oh-el, fingers and teeth. How prudent.

Shiny: LET’S SING IT.

(Mannix jumps onto the stage with Chesh and Shiny, and they stand in a row, in poses covering their faces. Suddenly, Mannix tears an imaginary wrapper with his wings, Chesh slips something invisible on his finger, and Shiny tilts his head back, opening his mouth wide in satisfaction.)

Mannix: Rip.

Chesh: Slip. Brush.

Shiny: AH!

(The three laugh insanely, while Chesh stops and clears his throat.)

Chesh: All right, efferyone! It’s ON THE FIELD time!

Mannix: Goodie.

Shiny: I love your mom.

(Chesh takes a seat at the end of the table, while Mannix climbs down into one of the leather chairs behind the table, along with Shiny, who tumbles down into his own seat upside-down. Shiny then rearranges his body, and lifts a teacup in front of him off of its plate. Underneath the cup on the plate is a light switch, and quickly, the Quagsire hits it. The mirror hanging near the table then begins to fizz with all that nasty static like a television might. Then, an image shows up of Chesh, Shiny, and Mannix walking along a road into a small city. Chesh turns to the camera as everyone’s eyes are glued to the tele-mirror.)

Chesh: Hey ya’ll! We’re in Ecruteak City, the site of the Burnt Tower, the Tin Tower, and peep shows courtesy of the Kamino Girls!

Shiny: YEY, PEEP-EE-NESS!

Chesh: I got phoned up by my good friend Morty, who is actually the gym leader here in Ecruteak. His specialty is Ghost-type Pokémon. Anywho, he invited us to come visit him and even let us tape his extraordinary gym for you folks at home.

Mannix: Because he’s so damn thoughtful.

Shiny: Full of thought (nods).

Chesh: And here we are, the Ecruteak City Gym.

Mannix: It looked bigger in the picture.

Shiny: THAT’S what I said when I ordered a Whopper at McDonald’s.

Mannix and Chesh: …

Shiny: …Chuck Norris can do it. Why can’t I?

Chesh: (sighs) That’s the point.

Mannix: Are you going to knock, or what?

Chesh: (extra big sigh) I GUESS.

Shiny: (sighs even bigger) Whoo! Do you know, I feel like Mannix when he sniffs white out?

Mannix: You’re getting me light-headed.

Chesh: (knocks)

Shiny: HEAD RUSHES ARE SO FUN. You go…blind for like, three seconds, and then you come back to consciousness, and yer like, “grawh, I’m hung-ray.” Kinda like after sex. Except you don’t get pregnant from head rushes.

Mannix: How would you know?

Shiny: Back at the ‘ol waterfall before a Pokéball so rudely hit me in the head, there was more to life than just round stuff. Those females (purrs).

Mannix: Whoa. You gotta teach me how to purr like that.

Shiny: Easy. Just pretend you’re Chesh when he’s choking.

Mannix: (purrs)

Shiny: Pret-ty gewd.

Chesh: Hey, someone’s coming!

Morty: Oh, hey, welcome all!

(Chesh, Mannie, and Shiny all glomp Morty, who falls to the ground, twitching.)

Chesh: Aren’t you going to show us around?

Morty: I think I’ve been violated.

Shiny: Your mom wants to be violated.

Mannix: What is wrong with you and “your mom” phrases?

Shiny: I was a crack baby. I’m scarred for life.

Chesh: We glomp people we like to see.

Shiny: And say “foo-foo” to those we don’t want to see again.

Morty: …oh. In that case, you can violate my rights any time!

Chesh: All your pleasure are belong to us.

Morty: Come on in, won’t you?

(The three follow the blonde gym leader in his sweats and headband on into the gym. Upon entering, they nearly stop dead in their tracks as they stare straight across the floor of the gym, where there is actually no floor at all. Only a couple of feet ahead lies a gargantuan pit, and on the other side of the pit, Morty’s gym leader seat.)

Chesh: Whoo-dee-noo-nanneh.

Morty: Just look at it! Isn’t it huge?

Shiny: It’s…long.

Mannix: And very wide.

Chesh: I think I’d have trouble getting out of it.

Shiny: …We are still talking about that hole, aren’t we?

Morty, Chesh, and Mannie: Oh, yeah, of course, yeah, erm, duh.

Chesh: Why…is there a big gaping hole in your gym, Morty?

Morty: Well, if you’d have challenged my gym before, you’d know.

Shiny: I’m dying to know. Well, I’m still perfectly healthy, not dying, but I’d lick a pinecone to hear what you have to say.

Chesh: So would we all.

Mannix: Speak for yourself. I despise pinecones. They make me cry.

Morty: Well, you see, when a Trainer enters my gym with intentions of making it to the other side to battle me, they are surprised to find a great pit. There is an invisible walk way that winds on top of the hole (the power of illusion, thanks to my Ghost Pokémon). Most of them figure it out because of the guide books written by Prima (by God, I’ll kill them all some day). Otherwise, those who stray off of the path fall into the pit.

Chesh: Ohhh, and then they’re teleported back to the start?

Morty: Er…no, actually.

Shiny: Eh?

Mannix: Feta?

Morty: We…haven’t quite figured out how to get them out yet.

Shiny: Are you telling us that those poor people who failed this gym all fell into that pit and never came out?

Morty: Pretty much.

(Screams emanate from the pit, including cries of “Help!” “My toe!” and “My pancreas!”)

Chesh: …

Mannix: Disturbing.

Shiny: Surely, there is some way you take care of them all?

Morty: (shrugs) I throw bread crumbs down there on my breaks, and every now and then, some Pokéchow. Gotta feed their Pokémon, too.

Shiny: Isn’t it unsanitary?

Morty: If a smell rises from down below, we just dump a bunch of buckets of Formula 409, disinfectant, and bleach to clean it out.

Mannix: I then suspect that all of the people down there have either died, or become artificial albinos.

Morty: Yeah.

Chesh: Do they drink anything?

Morty: They’ve gotten used to the bleach, but I suspect they drink their own urine.

Voice 1: WHAT! THE TASTE IS SAVORFUL.

*silence*

Chesh: I think I just might want to take a cold shower.

Mannix: I second that.

Shiny: Let’s all take a shower together.

(All stare wildly at Shiny.)

Shiny: What? I was just trying to be courteous. It’d save us a lot more money on our water and heating bill if we carpooled the shower…

Morty: Well, that’s our secret. So, you’re sure you won’t tell the health officials? They haven’t caught on yet.

Mannix: But what if they watch this SHOW?

Chesh: Oh, they won’t. Health officials spend their days sanitizing their entire homes, and even their wives. I suspect they provide themselves with about three enemas per day.

Shiny: That’s a lot of anus.

Mannix: You can say that again.

Shiny: That’s a lot of anus.

Chesh: So, are you thinking of maybe getting them all out one day, Mort?

Morty: Of course. That is, if I ever feel the itch. I’m usually on vacation, training, or going about my gym duties. I can’t be bothered to teleport them all out of there.

Mannix: Those poor urine-drinking albinos.

Morty: Well, thanks for keeping it a secret. I guess I’ll see you guys again sometime?

Chesh: You’ll be seeing us on television a lot more often.

Mannix: Moogle.

Shiny: It was still a bit fun finding out about all zat stuff. Thanks for letting us come over, Morty!

Morty: You’re welcome! See ya!

(The tele-mirror switches off, and everyone at the great table takes in a sigh of relief at the video.)

Chesh: That was interesting, wasn’t it?

Shiny: I never knew that you could drink your own urine.

Mannix: It’s sterile, but you better not try it.

Shiny: Oh, I won’t. I learned that the hard way.

Chesh and Mannix: …

Shiny: AGAIN WITH THE SILENCE. Don’t make me diss on your mom.

Chesh: Oh…

Mannix: Erm…

Shiny: That’s what I thought. Biznatches (pretends to snap his fingers…if he had any).

Chesh: Well, that was today’s segment of On the Field, and I’m sure we’ll get more coverage of madness going on in the world by next episode!

Mannix: Hurrah.

Chesh: Now, for our next segment:

Shiny: “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs!”

Chesh: Er…no.

Shiny: Oh…

Chesh: But don’t be down, Shiny. It’s your part of the show!

Shiny: HOMFEGAH YEY.

Chesh: Ladies and gentlemen, “Shiny’s Kitchen.”

Mannix: Not to be confused with the similar-sounding “Chinese Kitchen.”

(The stage rapidly changes; the mirror is flown into the darkness above, and is instead replaced by a huge checkered sign that reads “Shiny’s Kitchen – The Culinary Quagsire of Wonders.” Out of the blue, a giant refrigerator lifts up from the ground from a trapdoor, along with a cupboard. Shiny walks around behind the giant table as Chesh and Mannix dart off into the slanted house, when a box of knives and kitchen utensils smash onto the table, along with a white chef’s hat that floats and fits nicely on Shiny’s head.)

Shiny: Let’s get cracking!

(Shiny walks over to the position of the fridge and pantry behind the table, and starts to shuffle around in them. With a quick glance, he turns to the audience, and smiles, and swiftly returns to searching. In a few more seconds, the Quagsire thuds the food supplies he needs onto the table, and he addresses his audience.)

Shiny: Welcome to moi’s kitchen. We’ll be serving up the most scrumdiddlyumpcious food you can ever imagine. Today, we’ll be making my world famous Cheeseburger Cubes, along with frozen dessert, Pan Delight!

(Shiny picks up the supplies and reveals the ingredients to the audience.)

Shiny: For the Cheeseburger Cubes, you’ll be needing about a pound of hamburger, a block of sharp cheddar cheese, some olives, and Worcestershire sauce. OH, MICROWAVE!

(A wireless microwave suddenly flops down on top of the table.)

Shiny: Fabulous.

(Shiny picks up a knife out of the box, and pulls out the cheddar cheese.)

Shiny: Now, you’ll want to cut slices about two centimeters thick of this cheese, for about six slices. Make sure you don’t cut your fingers off. Or paws. Or tentacles. Or toes. Or your nads. Whatever you use to keep the knife steady…

(Shiny then cuts six slices of the cheese, and smacks each down on the table. He then grabs the can of olives.)

Shiny: Here, you’ll want to spread the olives right onto the cheese slices, but be sure to keep them in the perimeter of those luscious squares. Nads.

(After spreading on the olives, Shiny walks over to the cupboard, and knocks on the door. Behind the door, something mutates, and strangely enough, the cupboard becomes an oven.)

Shiny: I know. I’m awesome.

(Shiny then comes back over to the table, where he picks up a great big plate of ground beef.)

Shiny: Now, what you’ll want to do is take a turkey baster (grabs a big, oversized syringe), and fill it up with Worcestershire sauce. Take your meat and sculpt it into a fine cube, making sure that it maintains its shape. Now, inject the Worcestershire sauce into the hamburger.

(Shiny grabs the plate with the sauce-soaked meat cube and brings it over to the cheese slices. Strategically, he places the cheese slices on each side of the cube without getting olives on the plate. He then places the dish into the microwave.)

Shiny: You’ll want to set it on high for three minutes, and melt the cheese on the hamburger. Here, I have a slightly done example.

(Shiny pulls out a cheese-covered cube.)

Shiny: FAB! Now, we take this loverly cube and place it on a cookie sheet, shove it in the oven, and let it cook for an hour. In that hour, you’ll have the most succulent and RED hamburger cube you’ll ever find! One of those rabid enema-enthusiastic health officials told me it gives you E. coli at any rate! I dunno what that is, but I’m pretty sure it’s something that means, “EE! COOL! AYE!” which means that it’s GOOD.

(Pulls a finished Cheeseburger Cube out of the oven. It is dripping with oils and raw blood, and the result pools on the plate underneath the great glob of meat and cheese.)

Shiny: NOW FOR THE PAN DELIGHT.

(Shiny rushes over to the oven with a grill scraper, along with a plate. He then scrapes all of the food and burnt ash from the oven racks onto the plate, and returns to the table where the cheeseburger cube is. He then takes the cube, and as though it has a spongy consistency, squeezes the juices onto the ashes and burnt food. He then squishes it all together in his paw, and smiles triumphantly.)

Shiny: NOW, you take this plate and put it into the freezer. Wait about two hours, and you have…

(Shiny takes a finished plate with frozen/burnt food and ashes out of the freezer and sets it on the table.)

Shiny: …a DELICIOUS two-course meal for you and your GUESTS. OH MERRY GUESTS!

(At this, Chesh and Mannix run out of the slanted shack with haste, their tongues dripping with hunger. However, at the sight of Shiny holding the bleeding cheese cube and the pan delight, they stop dead in their tracks and roll up their tongues.)

Chesh: Er…

Shiny: Look! They’re speechless!

(The set for Shiny’s Kitchen then drops down its trapdoors and fly out respectively. Shiny tosses the chef hat into the audience, and brings the two plates over to Chesh and Mannix, who take their seats at the long table, pouring as much tea as they possibly can while staring at the atrocious plates with disgust.)

Shiny: ‘Ere ye go, Chesh! (tosses the plate of waste in front of Chesh)

Chesh: Uh…thanks.

Shiny: And for Mannie! (tosses plate in front of Mannie)

Mannix: I do hope this has nothing to do with your stool stew, like last time.

Shiny: Oh, of course not! The audience watched me this time.

Chesh: And they aren’t saying a word.

Mannix: That’s been our policy for a while, sadly.

(Shiny stares with furious gazes at Chesh and Mannix, ordering them to scarf down the food mentally. Chesh takes a gulp, and looks at Mannix, who doesn’t seem fazed at all. Chesh strategically sips his tea while picking up the great cube and tossing it underneath the table, while Mannix shrugs and stabs its metal face into the meat and cheese. Shiny seems pleased.)

Chesh: My, my. That was…appeasing.

Mannix: (mouth full of food) Being metal (munch), I can’t taste the grotesqueness of the raw meat. It tastes like cookie dough smothered in egg wash. It’s pretty good.

Chesh: (shoves tea down his throat after taking a bite of pan delight) This is (gurgles) EXCELLENT, SHINY.

Shiny: I know. You’re next, audience!

(Audience shivers.)

Chesh: And…erm…now that THAT’S over with, let’s move on to…

Mannix: ASK MANNIX.

Chesh: …

Shiny: (whispers to Chesh, while glancing at rabid fan girls in the crowd holding his chef hat) Did…we decide to give him his own segment?

Chesh: (whispers) I don’t think so. I mean, he’s not…like us.

(Shiny and Chesh giggle madly while whispering, and cast funny glances at the Skarmory. Finally, Mannie opens his mouth, releasing a deafening screech of metal that pops the co-hosts’ eardrums. They rub their ears affectionately.)

Mannix: Ungrateful swine! I blackmailed and bribed a lot of people to get this far! I’m not going to waste all of that!

Chesh: W-wait… You have dirt on the producers?

Mannix: Yes.

Shiny: Oh-em-eff-GEE, TELL US!

Mannix: Um…then it wouldn’t exactly work to fit their end of the deal.

Chesh: Oh…

Shiny: That’s sad. That’s like…not having toilet paper sad.

Mannix: …Can I have my segment now?

Chesh: Hoe, yeah, of course…

(Renaissance music plays in the background, as the mirror drops down from the setting above, flashing black text written in fine French handwriting that reads, “Ask Mannix.” From under one of the blades of his sharp, metal feathers, Mannix pulls out a pair of spectacles and places them on the nose of his beak. From out of nowhere, a great gigantic mailbag falls from the ceiling and slams into the floor in front of Mannix, tossing some envelopes out of the bag upon impact. The bag appears to be attached by a rope. Mannix quickly picks up the fallen envelopes on the floor.)

Mannix: Take away the rest!

(The rope flings the bag upward into the darkness with a ZING! The Renaissance music quiets down slightly.)

Mannix: (Takes an envelope and opens it with ease.) All right. So in this segment, you will be sharing your deepest and most startling questions, and I shall answer them as I see them fit. I get letters from all over the world because I’m a popular—

Chesh: (whispers to Shiny) He’s such a quack.

Shiny: I still like to go wee wee in the tub.

Mannix: —and if you all at home would like to send me a letter, simply send your question in via the Private Message system addressed to CHeSHiRe-CaT. You may choose to be anonymous! Just don’t try to be a nobody.

Chesh: So, who’s the first letter from?

Mannix: Timid Kyogre. She writes, “Dear Mannix, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Why, that’s very simple, Miss Bashful Whale. I love the jam that bleeds from the eyes of Dunsparce so much that when I peck at the whites, it opens and splits into a piece of wood, and out of nowhere, a furry rodent would attack the wood. Since woodchucks hump the wood to make sure it’s thick enough, I would run away, and depending on whether a woodchuck was physically capable to penetrate wood, I’m sure it’d chuck at least one piece of wood before getting splinters in his nads and running away.

Shiny: Couldn’t have said it better myself.

Mannix: The next letter comes from Danielle Connolly—

Chesh: Heh, she’s my neighbor!

Mannix: Why don’t you two go to Home Depot and buy some nails, THEN? GOSH. Quit interrupting me.

Chesh: Sorry; carry on, carry on.

Shiny: (sings Bohemian Rhapsody) ‘Cause nothin’ really mattahs…

Mannix: Danielle writes, “Dear Mr. Metal Bird, How can I get rid of this embarrassing rash on my butt?” Simple, dearie. I want you to go to your local methadone clinic, and ask them for some baby powder. It may smell pretty bad, but I’m sure your rump will feel high and mighty after application. Beware the needles.

Shiny: Lowl, needles…in my pants.

Chesh: Home Depot…that reminds me; we’re being asked to help appraise houses with Lance Blackthorn some time this week.

Mannix: --Wait, Lance Blackthorn? But he’s a Pokémon Champion.

Chesh: Well, apparently, he’s selling real estate now.

Shiny: I don’t like realtors. They give me their cards to make sure I’ll remember the looks on their grubby faces. And they smell like car freshener.

Mannix: Aaaand now for the last letter, this comes from Skrusti in the Sapphire Island region, AKA The 1337 Water Zone, “Mr. Mannix, Why doesn’t cheese wear pants?” That’s simple. You see, when cheese wear pants, they develop into Limburger, the most foul-smelling, but most delicious cheese known to this world (I say this because I believe there is celestial cheese out there). Therefore, when they stink like poo, none of the other cheese wants to play with them, and hence, leaves them foul. That’s why cheese doesn’t wear pants, but those poor little dairy turds that don’t know this valuable information become Limburger. And lonely.

Chesh: (Weeps on a napkin)

Shiny: Dude…I am so going to make phone calls for the movie rights to that.

Mannix: Too late. It’s been adapted.

(Chesh and Shiny groan.)

Mannix: Yeah, and it didn’t even gross much at the box office…but it WAS nominated for six Academy Awards.

Chesh: Wha…? Really? Why? How?

Mannix: Apparently, the Academy ate the actors. That’s the only reason they were nominated. For a false category known as “Best Buffet Featured at the Award Ceremony.” They didn’t even win THAT award.

Chesh: Then whom did it go to?

Mannix: To those nasty German filmers who make toast topped with the reproductive organs of pigs.

Chesh: Wait...someone's knocking from the inside of the house.

(A thumping noise is heard as something smacks the door of the slanted house loudly.)

Shiny: OH GOD, I FORGOT TO PUT THE GERBIL BACK IN ITS SOCK!

Mannix: Wait...it's opening.

(A girl comes striding onto the stage from the door of the slanted house, short black hair accenting her brown eyes. She appears to be wearing a light blue long-sleeved shirt that trails onto a pair of jeans. A smile is beaming on her face as she waves to the three hosts.)

Bay: Hello, is anyone here? (A fuffy cute gerbil suddenly came). Aw, a cute Gerbil! (Bay then holds the gerbil ).

Shiny: Who are you?

Chesh: That's Bay, one of our friends from Foruminium.

Mannix: Foruminwhaten?

Shiny: Forumanahooha.

Chesh: Or more specifically, the modern city of Serebeth.

Bay: Thanks for inviting me to the show Ches. Right now Serebeth is a little bit crazy but nothing too serious, hehe.

Chesh: Thank goodness. Things were pretty nasty back in the old days. Thank goodness they can control all the n00bs there now.

Shiny: OHHH. Well, it's great to have you aboard, Miss Yab--I mean, Bay. Come take a seat!

Bay: Thank you. (Bay goes to take a seat).

(The guest sits down as the three other hosts merge together and seat themselves all at the long table.)

Chesh: So, how has your writing career been doing?

Bay: It is going good so far. Right now I am doing chapter seven of "Heart of the Sea", which will be a very good chapter. Pretty soon I will have another story called "Mori" coming out later this summer. I also wrote a comedy story for this contest Serebeth held called "Laughingstock".

Chesh: Oh, I can’t wait to check out the contest! I’d love to read all of the entries. I’ve been DYING for some laughs lately.

Shiny: You're a WRITER? You wanna be my biographer?

Bay: Sure, I will do a biography for you! I always wanted to do some for water pokemon, since they are my favorite pokemon type! Hope you have an interesting life! (Bay gets out a pen and notebook, ready to joint down some notes).

Shiny: Holy nut balls of Seedot. I…I never thought someone would ever…ever…biograph…me…ME! THANK YOU!

Mannix: So, have you ever been around these parts of Johto before?

Bay: Actually, no. This is the first time I had been in Johto. Know any hot spots I can go to while I stay here?

Chesh: I really like Olivine myself. Always nice weather, you can go swimming, and the view from the top of the lighthouse is breath taking. However, about every year, probably once annually, there’ll be a great gigantic storm. But sometimes in the storm, you can see a figure flying over the seas.

Mannix: I’ve always wondered if that’s one of my relatives…

Shiny: Fantastic. Now, do you happen to own any spoons?

Bay: Lots of them at my home.

Shiny: Well, guess what? I named mine Amelia. She's better than anything I ever named.

Chesh: Besides the silverware in your drawer, what is one the hobbies you have other than writing? I'm sure we'd love to hear about it.

Bay: Well, I like playing tennis. I actually was on my high school tennis team for three years. Also, I liked playing videogames, eating, sleeping, and reading. Yeah, the typical stuff.

Mannix: I like eating stuffed animals. Gets me ready for when I'm released into the wild to rip apart those vicious Spinda. What's your opinion on Spinda, Bay?

Bay: Hate them. One time when I was in Hoenn, they kept attacking me. Plus, I hate the way their eyes look. No offense, Spinda lovers!

Mannix: You. Are. My. Newest. Friend. I LOVE YOU. I can’t STAND them. It’s all about the eyes, and their stupid sexy Teeter Dance—creepy.

Bay: (Looks down at her wrist to see a watch.) Oh, it seems that Superman Returns is about to play! I better get to the theater before the box office opens; I’ve been waiting to see this movie for a while now.

Chesh: Oh, so sorry to keep you for so long! Would you mind answering one more question? I noticed that you didn't have a Pokémon accompanying you, but I'm sure you own one. What Pokémon do you own?

Bay: Well, right now I own a Seadra, Kadabra, Absol, Linoone, Flygon, and Sceptile.

Chesh: Ah, then maybe next time you stop by, you can bring 'em on by. I'm sure these guys would love it.

Shiny: I spank those dirty, bald Natu. Listen to them tweeeeet.

Mannix: Good thing those health inspectors aren't watching... I think I may be able to have an intelligent coversation with that Kadabra of yours.

Chesh: Well, it was nice having you drop by, Bay! I'm sure we'll see you again soon! I will DEFINITELY remember to give you some tea to go.

Bay: You’re welcome! I will come visit again soon!

(All three wave good-bye as the friendly and loving Bay runs off to the slanted house with gerbil in hands, squeaking cutely. She then disappears behind the door, leaving the show.)

Chesh: You know, maybe some day, we could schedule multiple appearances. I’d love to have all of my friends here for one big tea party.

Mannix: Yeah, yeah, it’s a good idea for maybe an end-of-season thing, but what I’m concerned about is Bay getting caught sneaking a gerbil into the theater.

Shiny: WHAT!? SHE STOLE MY GERBIL?!?!

Chesh: It wasn’t yours. It was sapping crumbs from my sock drawer.

Shiny: BUT I…LOVED IT! (Gets down on knees and weeps.)

Mannix: Hey, listen, Shine. I can…hear something.

(Weeping ceases, and all is silent. In the background, the Twilight Zone theme begins to increase in volume, rolling onto the set with an eerie melody.)

All: …

Chesh: Aherm. Well, I believe that cue means it’s the end of the show.

Shiny: Aww, saddening. This reminds me of the time Mannix stole my boxers and ripped them when he tried them on.

Mannix: I put on a couple pounds. So what?

Shiny: But you didn’t stop there. You went ahead and took a big nice crap in ‘em too.

Mannix: That part you just made up.

Shiny: I know, but I’m still mad at you. Don’t change the subject.

Chesh: Um…well, UNTIL NEXT TIME, we’ll see ya later, folks! (Shiny and Mannix begin to attack each other in the background, firing Water Guns and Steel Wing techniques simultaneously as Chesh gets caught in the crossfire, with his eyes swirling in pain.)

(Applauding ensues as red curtains fall over the scene.)

mayonayz
7th July 2006, 7:59 PM
CHESH (I keep typing 'Check' O.o) That was hilarious and brilliant! Yes, your friends better make an appearance >;p

Timid Kyogre
7th July 2006, 8:01 PM
Awesome chapter XD I'm sure others will come and review you just err, have to be patient. ^^


Shiny: Are you telling us that those poor people who failed this gym all fell into that pit and never came out?

Morty: Pretty much.

Lmao!


Shiny: Let’s all take a shower together.

(All stare wildly at Shiny.)

o___o;;; now Shiny has a one err...dirty mind.


Chesh: Oh, they won’t. Health officials spend their days sanitizing their entire homes, and even their wives. I suspect they provide themselves with about three enemas per day.

Shiny: That’s a lot of anus.

Mannix: You can say that again.

Shiny: That’s a lot of anus.

LMFAO! XD

Somehow, that sounded so familiar...I can't remember when I heard it, but I'm sure it was not so long ago.


Shiny: “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs!”

Chesh: Er…no.

Lmao! XDDD


Chesh: Ladies and gentlemen, “Shiny’s Kitchen.”

Mannix: Not to be confused with the similar-sounding “Chinese Kitchen.”

For some weird reason, that made me laugh too XD


Mannix: The next letter comes from Danielle Connolly—

Chesh: Heh, she’s my neighbor!

I was just playing a video game with someone named Danielle, but the character was male.

...but I'm sure nobody wanted to hear that.


Mannix: To those nasty German filmers who make toast topped with the reproductive organs of pigs.

...GERMAN...SCIENTISTS...

~Timid Kyogre

Infinite Master Sceptile
7th July 2006, 11:06 PM
Whoa. That was vintage insanity. I. LOVE. SHINY. Shiny is the best character since ever. I love this already. In my pants. Hahahahahahahahaha!

Yami Ryu
8th July 2006, 12:24 AM
Lol, I dunno how I missed this. Anyways as I reviewed the last one, it still stays the same opinion. It is 'LMAO'-able, and in places it wasn't, it made me chuckle. I am not a friend of script, really, but you pulled this off nicely. Knew what everyone was doing/saying/etc.

Hope you post more soon.

In my pants.

*runs*

CHeSHiRe-CaT
8th July 2006, 10:00 AM
Thank your for the comments old and new readers XD After this point, everything's new, so yaw :/ I'd have to say that I unintentionally made Shiny a better character than myself, which is unusual since I thrive on attention xPPP Anyway, once I have another spark for an episode, I'll be sure to plop it into here. Will also get an episode guide up after its third ep as well.

Flaming Lip
8th July 2006, 9:16 PM
What better way to gain full conciousness after waking up at 2:46 PM than by reading the hilariousness of Chesh? I don't think there is one! ^_^

I loved it! Really, it made for a great laugh. All three charecters are awesome in thier own right, but Shiny is the best, not just because of his personality, but he pwns because he's a Quagsire (Quagsire is the world's greatest Pokémon >=D).

Great job, I eagerly await the next chapter! ^_^

Sike Saner
12th July 2006, 7:09 AM
MOTHER OF INFRANITIES! IT'S BACK! =D

This wonderful, beautiful, insanely brukky fic...frell, I love it. Honestly, this is one of the single funniest things I've ever read. I love the in-my-pantsness of the first episode, the Morty-section of the second episode, OH, and the usages of the word "NADS". That word brings back memories... @_@

And now, here are all my favorite moments from this fic thus so far. Note that most of them involve Shiny. Shiny pwns. He. Just. DOES.


The audience outside the stage begins to scream bloody murder and toast.)

Audience: BLOODY MURDER!!! TOAST!!!


The Skarmory flies in and lands right on top of a tea kettle on the table, smashing it to bits.


Quagsire: Egg bomb.



Quagsire: (dips paw into sugar bowl) You bet YER bottom dollar.



Skarmory: I don’t see a tail coming out of your ***. Or a bit fat grin.



Shiny: Sanity is like a bubble. It’s round and orderly, but when you pop it, sticky stuff bleeds everywhere.



Mannix: You know, just live feed the tele-mirror, and we go out there in the world and show ‘em who’s boss.

Shiny: Your mom?



Shiny: I…love underwear.



Shiny: Mmm, crap.



Shiny: Again, how do we help them?

Chesh: Oh-em-eff-gee, stay HERE.



Chesh: Are you good at multi-tasking?

Mary: Absolutely. I can hold a cell phone to my ear, drink my liquor, play Parcheesi, AND smoke at the same time.

Shiny: Ah, but can you bite air?

Mary: No…

Shiny: Owned.


Shiny: Don’t pee your pants, madam. I know when I’m deceived.



Chesh: Thank you for watching our first episode! We hope to catch you all again some time! YOU DESERVE SOME TEA. (tosses kettle out into crowd and hears a smashing noise, a cry, and then a thump.)



Doll: Repetitive routine.



Shiny: I shove smelling salt in life’s pants. Refreshing.



Chesh: HOES. The one where the lazy people who don’t use toothbrushes use their FINGERS?

Mannix: Aye, that be it.

Chesh: El-oh-el, fingers and teeth. How prudent.

Shiny: LET’S SING IT.



Shiny: I love your mom.



Shiny: YEY, PEEP-EE-NESS!



Mannix: Are you going to knock, or what?

Chesh: (extra big sigh) I GUESS.



Shiny: HEAD RUSHES ARE SO FUN. You go…blind for like, three seconds, and then you come back to consciousness, and yer like, “grawh, I’m hung-ray.” Kinda like after sex. Except you don’t get pregnant from head rushes.



(Chesh, Mannie, and Shiny all glomp Morty, who falls to the ground, twitching.)

Chesh: Aren’t you going to show us around?

Morty: I think I’ve been violated.

Shiny: Your mom wants to be violated.

Mannix: What is wrong with you and “your mom” phrases?

Shiny: I was a crack baby. I’m scarred for life.



Chesh: All your pleasure are belong to us.


Chesh: Whoo-dee-noo-nanneh.

Morty: Just look at it! Isn’t it huge?

Shiny: It’s…long.

Mannix: And very wide.

Chesh: I think I’d have trouble getting out of it.

Shiny: …We are still talking about that hole, aren’t we?

Morty, Chesh, and Mannie: Oh, yeah, of course, yeah, erm, duh.



Morty: Well, you see, when a Trainer enters my gym with intentions of making it to the other side to battle me, they are surprised to find a great pit. There is an invisible walk way that winds on top of the hole (the power of illusion, thanks to my Ghost Pokémon). Most of them figure it out because of the guide books written by Prima (by God, I’ll kill them all some day).


Chesh: Ohhh, and then they’re teleported back to the start?

Morty: Er…no, actually.

Shiny: Eh?

Mannix: Feta?



Morty: They’ve gotten used to the bleach, but I suspect they drink their own urine.

Voice 1: WHAT! THE TASTE IS SAVORFUL.



Chesh: I think I just might want to take a cold shower.

Mannix: I second that.

Shiny: Let’s all take a shower together.

(All stare wildly at Shiny.)



Chesh: Oh, they won’t. Health officials spend their days sanitizing their entire homes, and even their wives. I suspect they provide themselves with about three enemas per day.

Shiny: That’s a lot of anus.

Mannix: You can say that again.

Shiny: That’s a lot of anus.



Mannix: Moogle.



Shiny: I never knew that you could drink your own urine.

Mannix: It’s sterile, but you better not try it.

Shiny: Oh, I won’t. I learned that the hard way.

Chesh and Mannix: …



Shiny: HOMFEGAH YEY.



Shiny: Now, you’ll want to cut slices about two centimeters thick of this cheese, for about six slices. Make sure you don’t cut your fingers off. Or paws. Or tentacles. Or toes. Or your nads.


Shiny: Here, you’ll want to spread the olives right onto the cheese slices, but be sure to keep them in the perimeter of those luscious squares. Nads.



Shiny: That’s sad. That’s like…not having toilet paper sad.



From under one of the blades of his sharp, metal feathers, Mannix pulls out a pair of spectacles and places them on the nose of his beak.

I need to mention that I just really like the phrase “nose of his beak”.


Shiny: I still like to go wee wee in the tub.



Mannix: Timid Kyogre. She writes, “Dear Mannix, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?” Why, that’s very simple, Miss Bashful Whale. I love the jam that bleeds from the eyes of Dunsparce so much that when I peck at the whites, it opens and splits into a piece of wood, and out of nowhere, a furry rodent would attack the wood. Since woodchucks hump the wood to make sure it’s thick enough, I would run away, and depending on whether a woodchuck was physically capable to penetrate wood, I’m sure it’d chuck at least one piece of wood before getting splinters in his nads and running away.



Chesh: Heh, she’s my neighbor!

Mannix: Why don’t you two go to Home Depot and buy some nails, THEN? GOSH. Quit interrupting me.



Chesh: Sorry; carry on, carry on.

Shiny: (sings Bohemian Rhapsody) ‘Cause nothin’ really mattahs…



Mannix: Danielle writes, “Dear Mr. Metal Bird, How can I get rid of this embarrassing rash on my butt?” Simple, dearie. I want you to go to your local methadone clinic, and ask them for some baby powder. It may smell pretty bad, but I’m sure your rump will feel high and mighty after application. Beware the needles.

Shiny: Lowl, needles…in my pants.



Mannix: Aaaand now for the last letter, this comes from Skrusti in the Sapphire Island region, AKA The 1337 Water Zone, “Mr. Mannix, Why doesn’t cheese wear pants?” That’s simple. You see, when cheese wear pants, they develop into Limburger, the most foul-smelling, but most delicious cheese known to this world (I say this because I believe there is celestial cheese out there). Therefore, when they stink like poo, none of the other cheese wants to play with them, and hence, leaves them foul. That’s why cheese doesn’t wear pants, but those poor little dairy turds that don’t know this valuable information become Limburger. And lonely.



Shiny: OH GOD, I FORGOT TO PUT THE GERBIL BACK IN ITS SOCK!



Shiny: Holy nut balls of Seedot.


Mannix: You. Are. My. Newest. Friend. I LOVE YOU. I can’t STAND them. It’s all about the eyes, and their stupid sexy Teeter Dance—creepy.



Shiny: I spank those dirty, bald Natu. Listen to them tweeeeet.


Oh, and again, all the "in my pants" jokes. Each and every single one of those goes in the hall of fame of classic moments, too. ^^

OH, and your banner kicks megatons of arse, btw. *_*

Bay
12th July 2006, 7:45 AM
Hey Ches! Hehe, another great episode there. Man, I had not laughed that much in a long time. Okay, here are some of my favorite parts in the second episode.


Shiny: I shove smelling salt in life’s pants. Refreshing.

Mannix: That reminds me of a Crest commercial.

Shiny: What Crest commercial?

Chesh: HOES. The one where the lazy people who don’t use toothbrushes use their FINGERS?

Mannix: Aye, that be it.

Chesh: El-oh-el, fingers and teeth. How prudent.

Fingers? Ewwwwwwww....XD


Shiny: THAT’S what I said when I ordered a Whopper at McDonald’s.

Mannix and Chesh: …

Shiny: …Chuck Norris can do it. Why can’t I?

Chesh: (sighs) That’s the point.

Extra points for Chuck Norris. Hehe, Chuck Norris can order a Miltank Sandwich also at Arbys! XD


Shiny: HEAD RUSHES ARE SO FUN. You go…blind for like, three seconds, and then you come back to consciousness, and yer like, “grawh, I’m hung-ray.” Kinda like after sex. Except you don’t get pregnant from head rushes.

Hehe, reminds me of one of the weird threads that was here. I think you know what I mean;).


(Chesh, Mannie, and Shiny all glomp Morty, who falls to the ground, twitching.)

Chesh: Aren’t you going to show us around?

Morty: I think I’ve been violated.

Shiny: Your mom wants to be violated.

Mannix: What is wrong with you and “your mom” phrases?

Shiny: I was a crack baby. I’m scarred for life.

Hehehe...god, you gotta love those "your momma" jokes! ^^;



Shiny: “Sex, Drugs, and Cocoa Puffs!”

Chesh: Er…no.

Gosh I loved that line! XD


Bay: Thanks for inviting me to the show Ches. Right now Serebeth is a little bit crazy but nothing too serious, hehe.

Chesh: Thank goodness. Things were pretty nasty back in the old days. Thank goodness they can control all the n00bs there now.

Oh lucky I was not a member back then.XD I still stand by on what I said. Now more bad noodles ran around here. ^^;



Chesh: Oh, I can’t wait to check out the contest! I’d love to read all of the entries. I’ve been DYING for some laughs lately.

Hehe, I will let you know when the results come. ;)


Shiny: Holy nut balls of Seedot. I…I never thought someone would ever…ever…biograph…me…ME! THANK YOU!

Hehe, I might do his biography when "Heart of the Sea" is done!


Mannix: You. Are. My. Newest. Friend. I LOVE YOU. I can’t STAND them. It’s all about the eyes, and their stupid sexy Teeter Dance—creepy.

Aye, well put there my friend too. I almost forgot about their Teeter Dance.


Shiny: I spank those dirty, bald Natu. Listen to them tweeeeet.

Okay...I will have nightmare now. XD



(All three wave good-bye as the friendly and loving Bay runs off to the slanted house with gerbil in hands, squeaking cutely. She then disappears behind the door, leaving the show.)

Chesh: You know, maybe some day, we could schedule multiple appearances. I’d love to have all of my friends here for one big tea party.

Mannix: Yeah, yeah, it’s a good idea for maybe an end-of-season thing, but what I’m concerned about is Bay getting caught sneaking a gerbil into the theater.

Shiny: WHAT!? SHE STOLE MY GERBIL?!?!

Chesh: It wasn’t yours. It was sapping crumbs from my sock drawer.

Shiny: BUT I…LOVED IT! (Gets down on knees and weeps.)

Don't worry, I will give the gerbil back to him when I come back. ;)

Well, that's it on my review. I really had some fun when I guest starred. Ma, I should had done the Cambodian dance! *coughsIamCambodiancoughs* Well, good luck on the next episode!

;134;~Good night, and good luck~

CHeSHiRe-CaT
12th July 2006, 9:29 AM
Yisss, the Cambodian hip-swinging XD And I'll be honest with you: that line was completely out of the bluuueee.

Glad you enjoyed it, Sike XD I'm a bit upset at myself that Shiny gets to steal the spotlight, but I guess it's in his nature. Oh well xPPP I'm going to start making miniature banners for the three of us because I can, later.

Episode 3 is on the horizon, so stay tuned! And giving you a small hint about the next episode: it involves real estate and very rotten children.

katiekitten
12th July 2006, 2:29 PM
Shiny: What Crest commercial?

Chesh: HOES. The one where the lazy people who don’t use toothbrushes use their FINGERS?

Mannix: Aye, that be it.

Chesh: El-oh-el, fingers and teeth. How prudent.

Shiny: LET’S SING IT.

(Mannix jumps onto the stage with Chesh and Shiny, and they stand in a row, in poses covering their faces. Suddenly, Mannix tears an imaginary wrapper with his wings, Chesh slips something invisible on his finger, and Shiny tilts his head back, opening his mouth wide in satisfaction.)

Mannix: Rip.

Chesh: Slip. Brush.

Shiny: AH!

(The three laugh insanely, while Chesh stops and clears his throat.)



XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I remember that commercial... XD

As brilliant as it was last time, if not more. :) I'm glad you brought it back. XD The pit gag...

CHeSHiRe-CaT
12th July 2006, 7:36 PM
XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD I remember that commercial... XD

As brilliant as it was last time, if not more. :) I'm glad you brought it back. XD The pit gag...
Yeeeaaah, that was something I had always thought about. Morty has a big pit in his gym when playing G/S/C. I mean, the guy's crazy; what can I say? The Ghost Pokemon must have driven him insane, to leave those poor urine-drinking albinos in the hole. Oh, well...

Kiyohime
12th July 2006, 10:41 PM
BLOODY MURDER! TOAST!

You may have found another niche here, m'dear. You pull off the script-style brilliantly, and that opening with the Teddiursa doll was complete ownage--I had such a clear image of it in my mind...and the arrow. OUCH.
Since I was MIA for a month with the whole family thing, what happened to all the other stories you were working on?
I love your banner--it's a new style for you, but still as eye-catching (and eye-popping...o.o) 8D ELLO and GOODBYE.

*vanishes back into her cardboard box*

CHeSHiRe-CaT
12th July 2006, 10:49 PM
Teh other fics are still alive, just currently sitting in my cupboard gathering dust, or at least until I get this partickler project of mine done >>; And I'm SOOO glad you're back! Words cannot express my happiness (not even the oh-so popular "Calloo-Callay!"). Well, maybe a little Latin...

RESPICE POST TE! HOMINEM TE MEMENTO!

Don't turn around... :P

*hugs Scrap and whispers something about grapes in her ear* I've still yet to learn the wonderful art of speed-reading. Damn you to the depths of red fruit punch for being better than me at something! xP Bleach?

Kiyohime
12th July 2006, 11:28 PM
"If it starts to smell, we just throw a ton of Formula 49 and bleach down the pit."

Sheer genius, right there. Do you plan to "interview" all the Johto gym leaders? I could see some gems with Bugsy and gender jokes, or Whitney and her tantrums. XP Jesus, wish I had your gift of comedy.

CHeSHiRe-CaT
13th July 2006, 6:50 AM
Heh, it's an idea XD But so we're not limited on field trips into Johto, I don't stick just to gym leaders alone. Just so we get more out of what I want in this season: mind-boggling secret lives and fantastic things to do in Johto.

Also note that some of the things in this fic are VERY attemptable (even the Pit of Doom), but note that you must conduct everything done on this show on YOUR OWN RISK. Seriously, you could get put behind bars a looong time for keeping a group of people whose skin you've dyed white in a pit to eat their own feces and drink their own bodily fluids. And most elderly women would not allow you into their car to show them around town, so beware that, too.