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Allyson
7th July 2006, 4:03 PM
*The pokemon in this fanfic are in my Pokemon Emerald version*( I't's based on the game)
chapter:1

"Go, Blaziken." Allyson said sending out her starter pokemon."Go, Shellgon." Drake said. "Blaziken, use double kick!" Allyson said, and Blaziken jumped and was about to use double kick, but "portect" Drake said and an green shild went around Shellgon. "Double kick!" Allyson commaned, and it hit's Shellgon. "Shellgon, Rock tomb!" Drake said, and Shellgon made rocks fall on Blaziken.

Allyson said to use Double kick, and Shellgon fainted. And Drake sent out Flygon, "Sky uppercut!" Allyson said and blaziken did Sky uppercut, and 10 secends later Flygon fainted."kingdra, go" Drake said returning Flygon.

"Sky uppercut" Allyson said, and blaziken was about to use Sky uppercut and a pink bubble apperd in font of Allyson. "what?"Allyson said and she saw a pink cat like pokemon was in it. "Mew!?" Allyson said and mew turned Blue, "blaziken, return!"and Blaziken went in the poke ball."mew!" said mew, and Allyson started glowing blue and she was teleproted on a Island.

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mane pokemon in this fanfic: ;151; : MEW
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pokemon of (my postings) the Week is : ;058;
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my pokemon team : ;025; ;004; ;133; ;258; ;380; ;381;

Owneik
7th July 2006, 4:14 PM
First of all; please go read the Advice for Aspiring Authors. Take the advice to heart.

Second, learn correct capitalization and sentence structure. However, I am surprised there weren't that many spelling errors...but not impressed, as the issues far outweight that.

Third; the dialogue and character(s) are horrible. You might as well have written '"please no don't hurt my family" allyson said as the nazis came and took her parents away' and it'd seem as if Allyson is just a machine sitting in a corner spitting out comments here and there (in your story's case, attack orders). As for the horrible characters; Drake and a person who doesn't show one single sign of not being a talking coffee machine named Allyson.

Lastly; basing your fics off your story doesn't work unless you have a talent for writing stories. Why? Because the games have a boring story (I say a because it's the same every time) and characters with literally no development and/or dialogue. As you can see, your fic is the same. That's why it doesn't work.

Just...delete it, read the AfAA thread and try again. WITHOUT basing it off the game. If you wanna make it similar to the game, just write a trainer fic...with actual people and actual plots and actual meaning, not some bizarre text-version of two kids sitting with GBA's in their hands while mumbling orders to their pokemon sprites.

Leon Phelps
7th July 2006, 5:34 PM
You still haven't learned have you...

Instead of just saying attacks, try describing them so that the reader can visualize what's going on. I don't even know what the characters look like. You have to describe them too. I could say a lot more but please, for the love of God read the rules and the Advice thread, and stop using all of those smilies!

HarleyScarow
7th July 2006, 5:48 PM
1. Describe your attacks! For example, a Flamethrower from a Charizard's gonna look different than one from a Typhlosion or Blaziken!
2. This thing is WAY too short. Make it at least one page, and DON'T DO IT IN THE REPLY BOX for goodness sake.
3. SKIP LINES AFTER A PERSON SAYS SOMETHING! It looks like clogged writing and that's not good. Read one of the fics in my sig and you'll get the idea!

nashie1
7th July 2006, 5:57 PM
hideous misspellings, lack of description and the fact that connectives have been totally destroyed make this possibly the worst thing I have ever seen. Seriously. The worst thing about this is the blatent lack of plot and the fact that the characters simply command the pokemon to attack but you have made no effort to describe the attack itself. Already it is turning into a cliched plot where a beggining trainer catches mew (GOD HELP ME IF I READ ONE MORE OF THESE FICS!) besides i seriously doubt that a newbie trainer who just began their journey would be able to identify one of the rarest pokemon ever. I agree with all the previous advice given too. This needs a serious amount of work.

Even though it looks like it took you about 5 minutes i think just about everyone could do better than this.

munchlaxboy
7th July 2006, 6:00 PM
I'm no expert at this, but I know what I'm saying. Say there were two people in a story, Sal and Jim. When Sal says something, there must be a new paragraph for John to say something. Also, describe your attacks. Make the reader feel as if they are at the scene.