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John's Knight
7th July 2006, 8:28 PM
Hello there!
This is my first fic, and I hope people like it, Plus, seeing that English is not my primary language, there must be some errors. And please, don't go soft on me ^^;
I hope this can make my writing improve, so that the next chapter is better than the last one...

... Credits ...
JeRiChI, for all the help reviewing this before being posted, and the title

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

.: P r o l o g u e :.

Many recent theories indicate that the beings known as “Pokemon” have existed for some million years, indicating perhaps that, when the Human being was created, they already existed. Many other Pokemon investigators say that, when the Dinosaurs appeared, Pokemon already existed. Others say they came from the space, from a different dimension, but concrete proof about that fact is, in the time being, inexistent. However, Pokemon investigators didn’t study much the dark side of the Pokemon story...

It is known that there was a war, in the past, between the God of Land, Groudon, and the God of Water, Kyogre. Such fierce match almost caused the destruction of the entire planet, as massive continents and infinite oceans were created. It was the intervention of the God of the Sky, Rayquaza, that stopped the elemental war, and Rayquaza sealed them to avoid future confrontations: Groudon was sent to the Chama Volcano, Kyogre was sent to the depths of the Crystal Ocean, and both slept through the years.

It is also known that the Sealing of the Regi Trio by the Human being itself happened a few millenniums after the dawn of Man. The God of Rock, Regirock; the God of Ice, Regice; the God of Steel, Registeel; the three were sealed in the depths of three different islands, one on the sea, another on a desert, and the other on a mountain, and they were sealed due to the destruction caused by them: earthquakes and blizzards were threatening the lives of all beings existing on Earth. With the help of magic and other Pokemon, the Human being managed to get the Regi Gods, and seal them forever...

However, there are facts that are not known yet. Some of them aren’t even known by Pokemon themselves, except for those who did those things... Facts hidden from the Humans and Pokemon by some Pokemon...Stories that tell the darkest moments of all History, stories that were kept secret by those in the Legendary Realm...



The Legendary Realm, the place where the souls of the so-called “legendary pokemon” live, while controlling their bodies on Earth. However, souls don’t have complete control, as souls and bodies are two different individuals, the bodies not knowing they are controlled by someone. Their “house” is in a different dimension, away from all the searchers and curious people, as well from those plans of a not-so-good kind in mind... The Legendary Realm is essentially a large, extensive green meadow, different kind of flowers covering it, looking almost like yellow, red, and pink seas. There are some Lakes in it, filled with crystalline waters through which the bottom could be seen, those big shiny pearls charming everyone who saw them. There is also a Forest, big trees clasping from the ground and giving the illusion of touching the blue sky. A Volcano could also be seen, an inactive one however, representing no harm to the Realm. It was also covered with beautiful flowers, looking more like a huge pile of flowers than a Volcano itself.

The Sun was shining like it never did before, the many lakes reflecting the sunlight. A gentle breeze was softly touching everything, and it almost seemed like the flowers were whispering a secret to the bees and the butterflies nearby...

Celebi was flying through the Forest, admiring for the thousand time its natural beauty. It was she who created that forest, saw those trees growing and watered them. With the time, the tree-tops were getting larger, and the sunlight was having a hard time managing to illuminate the forest. Still, that was no trouble, as every time Celebi walks in there, the trees, grass and flowers flourish, making her so happy. Her Earth body seemed extremely happy as well, as she was admiring Petalburg’s Forest. Little did the soul known, as her fate was about to change...

At Petalburg Forest, the Sun wasn’t shining like it was in the Legendary Realm. In fact, dark rainy clouds covered the once blue sky, the sunlight disappearing. Silence was reigning over the forest, and no one could be spotted. The curious Hoothoot on a tree branch, observing the cute Rattatas tackling each other for fun; the Oddishs dancing happily while the Woopers run like crazy; all of them were gone... except one pokemon.

The Earth Celebi wasn’t happy at all, like her soul saw in the Legendary Realm. Fear and despair controlled her body now, flying through the trees. She looked behind often, as if searching for someone. Continuing the flight, the thoughts of torture and death were the only ones on her mind, as a dark wave being moves silently after her, like a hunter after its pray. The shadow’s eyes began glowing red, as a sparking dark ball was growing in front of it, Celebi continuing flying as fast as she could. The Shadow Ball was completely charged, and was fired towards the legendary. The silence was broken with a big explosion, Celebi being hit by the shadow attack. The dust settled, and she was lying on the ground in pain, searching for those strange eyes, those filled with hate, the ones looking for death and blood... The shadow continues moving as silently as possible, feeding on the fear of the poor pokemon. Its desires of death were shown with his scary eyes, the only thing that Celebi could see through the smoke. As it settles, Celebi saw it walking towards her, a cloaked figure getting closer and closer, its eyes concentrated on the lying pokemon.

“What do you want from me?”, she angrily said, trying to frighten the shadow and maybe make it go away. The shadow emitted a smothered laugh at that sentence, as it concentrated its energy on another dark waved attack. “Please...”, she said, the fear and despair making her cry. “Please, who or what ever you are, please don’t hurt me!”. The death sentence was almost complete, and the thing was still looking at her, laughing at her fear. The sparking dark ball stopped growing, and time was the only thing that was keeping the green pokemon alive. Before it fired the Shadow Ball, it said “Every act has its consequence”. Celebi couldn’t believe what she had just heard. What it said made her remember something, something she swore she would never remember again. “It...It can’t be you!”, she said, but it was too late.

The silence in the forest was once again broken by an explosion, and a flock of brave Spearows which came there to see what was happening, flew from there as fast as they could, afraid of getting caught by who or whatever was making those explosions. The dust settled, and the hunter was looking at the dead pokemon lying in the ground, and its eyes began glowing blue, an aura surrounding it. “Now, for the final touch...”, it said, looking at the sky, then closing its eyes.
In the Legendary Realm, all was quiet as before. Celebi was still playing in the forest, but it is strange that she didn’t notice she was dead on Earth. Somehow, her connection with her body was being blocked, as she continued seeing her body flying in Petalburg Forest and dancing with some Bellossoms. Then, it happened. Celebi stopped flying and fell to the ground, as she was surrounded by the same blue aura the murderer had been surrounded. Crying in pain, her “soul body” was vanishing into thin air. She tried to scream for help, but nothing could be heard, the aura smothering the noise, until she completely disappeared...

On Earth, the cloaked figure opened its eyes again, the blue glowing in them fading. A green object then slowly descends from the sky, the murderer’s eyes stuck on it. The object stopped in front of it, emitting a green light. The green orb then vanished into thin air, from out of anyone’s sight.

“Let the vengeance begin!”, it said, and teleported itself, the silence reigning again over Petalburg Forest, and over the Sacred Forest in the Legendary Realm.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next chapter will maybe be posted this weekend...or maybe not =P

Angelic Elf Ivy
8th July 2006, 5:23 PM
This is a good start to a fan fiction, and it's a really good first fan fiction. Still, you did have a few errors which I'll try and point out.


and the sunlight was getting a hard time managing to illuminate the forest.
Shouldn't it be 'haveing a hard time' instead of 'getting a hard time'?

She looked behind often, like if searching for someone.
It should be as if searching for someone.

The silent was broken with a big explosion,
Silent should be silence.

The green orb then vanished into thin air, from out anyone’s sight.
Here you could either say 'from out of anyone's sight' or 'out of anyone's sight'.

Great start though me thinks. ^^ Must watch this thread.

Owneik
8th July 2006, 5:37 PM
It's a good first chapter, and I'll be looking forwards to the next.

Neo Sphere
8th July 2006, 7:09 PM
I loved the descriptions when talking about the war and stuff

Can't wait to see more

John's Knight
8th July 2006, 11:07 PM
Shouldn't it be 'having a hard time' instead of 'getting a hard time'?

...I don't know why the hell did I write "getting" <<;


It should be as if searching for someone.

Edited ^^;


Silent should be silence.

Indeed it should. *edits it*


Here you could either say 'from out of anyone's sight' or 'out of anyone's sight'.

I did have that doubt, about the "of", and I checked with a friend, and (s)he said it was without "of". Mistake, and...*is edited*

Spectre
11th July 2006, 8:57 PM
Not bad at all! Well, you did have some grammatical errors and some spelling errors, but that isn't much of a problem. However, some of the events seem rather awkward, like:


At Petalburg Forest, the Sun wasn’t shining like it was in the Legendary Realm. In fact, dark rainy clouds covered the once blue sky, the sunlight disappearing. Silence was reigning over the forest, and no one could be spotted. The curious Hoothoot on a tree branch, observing the cute Rattatas tackling each other for fun; the Oddishs dancing happily while the Woopers run like crazy; all of them were gone... except one pokemon.


I can see you are trying to emit the chaos but it seems kind of rushed and needs to be elaborated more. Everything kinda makes a jumbled mixture of feelings and doesn't seem right.

Also, when Celebi is flying through the forest, her thoughts seem like they give too much away and not really fit for the description. It foreshadows a little too much. Everything just builds up too fast. If you could lengthen your descriptions and rise up to the climax a little slower all of the details could sink in a lot smoother.

All in all, it isn't a bad fic, but it could use a bit of touching up. (no, not that way) If you could try to elaborate your details with a little more words and smoothly move from each scene, it woud improve how the fic sounds. Good luck and remember to tell me when your next chapter is up. :D

Faerie
18th July 2006, 1:14 AM
Ah, hello, John's Knight. Here as requested. ^__^

I remember hearing about this story in the Fic Ideas thread. It looked pretty interesting there, but it's much more interesting to actually read it. This story has a lot of promise.

The plot seems quite interesting so far. Although there's a lot going on and I can't quite tell what exactly will happen (That's a good thing! Signs of a great writer! xD), there's already a lot of stuff laid out. I can't wait to see how it all fits together.

Your grammar is:
- By primary-language standards: Pretty good. You do switch between past and present-tense, so make sure to stick with a word type (e.g. "went" or "goes") once you've started to use it. Also, remeber that when characters are conversing, make a new paragraph when the speaker changes. Using words like "cried", "yelled", "whispered", etc. instead of "said" is good.
- By non-primary-language standards: VERY good. I wish I was that good at speaking Japanese. xD

*fidgetfidget* This is the kind of story that makes you anxious to see what happens next. Good job so far, so see ya later!

armaldo
18th July 2006, 2:10 AM
Funny, I'm having the same feeling I got when I started to read Hoenn's Legacy a long, LONG time ago.

I smell a long one here.

John's Knight
25th July 2006, 9:38 AM
Thanks Faerie for the review, and armaldo, I don't think it will be very long. =/

Also, I would like you to know why I haven't written another chapter.
It is written, but before I post it and all my chapters, first two persons will look at it and tell some grammer mistakes, and so and so. Currently, one of them is on vacations, but he'll be back next monday. Expect it by Tuesday or so.

Thanks ^^

UltaFlame
25th July 2006, 10:02 AM
oh man i just read your first chap... (holds head down sadly) and when i noticed how long ago it was done i said he*k there might be a new chappy. but guess not. however keep me informed or... when i tink of something i will tell you. tell me when your next chappy is up.

OMFG that guy just stole the celebi's soul how cruel of him. how cruel of you to allow him to do it. it's your fault. bt then again you can do as you want it is your fic. (walks out office door muttering to self leaves other people in confusion and disturbance) nice first chappy/prologue this definitely has the possibility to go further. and become a super fic lasting into the 40-50's of pages.

John's Knight
25th July 2006, 10:19 AM
OMFG that guy just stole the celebi's soul how cruel of him. how cruel of you to allow him to do it. it's your fault.

XP Don't like Celebi, so, she was the first...



bt then again you can do as you want it is your fic. (walks out office door muttering to self leaves other people in confusion and disturbance) nice first chappy/prologue this definitely has the possibility to go further. and become a super fic lasting into the 40-50's of pages.

OO; DEAR SWEET GOD!!!...I would like that...but I think it will only have about 30 chapters...and...

This isn't much of spoiler still, it'll have a sequel, named "Vengeance - The Apocalypse"

John's Knight
11th August 2006, 10:26 AM
Double post ._.;;
Well, vacations for me this Sunday. So, no chapter for one week...I should close this, since I'm having a huge writer's block =/

Arcanine Royale
11th August 2006, 3:47 PM
Double post ._.;;
Well, vacations for me this Sunday. So, no chapter for one week...I should close this, since I'm having a huge writer's block =/

No you shouldn't, it's good. The Prologue was excellent and served as a good introduction.

And you can update your work any time, even after the month cutoff.

John's Knight
31st August 2006, 9:20 PM
Thanks, Arcanine Royale ^^
And...OMG this can't be possible...CHAPTER *coughprobablycough* TOMORROW! Unless a Meteor hits my place, it will be written.

EDIT - also, expect more grammar mistakes and crappier chapter, since this time JeRiChI and my other friend won't be reviewing the chapter before it is posted. Sorry =/

John's Knight
1st September 2006, 9:12 PM
OMG Double Post =/
As promised, here's the first chapter ( finally <<; ). Enjoy!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter One - The Master Trainers

The sun shined over Raylotte City, a place known for its excellent Pokemon Trainers. Streets filled with pokemon food, pokemon books shops were the busiest ones, where one could hardly breathe with so many people pushing and shoving out of the way. A lot of Battle Arenas were scattered over the City, filled with excited trainers, waiting for their battles.

Still, today, the streets were empty; no trainers were having battles… No one could be spotted. All the people in Raylotte City were on the Celebi Park Stadium, watching one of the most exciting pokemon battles ever between the considered “Raylotte’s Master Trainers”…

At the overcrowded Celebi Park Stadium, situated obviously on Celebi Park, one of the biggest green Parks in the World, dedicated to the Forest Guardian Celebi, the arena was covered with a thick smoke layer, the trainers and pokemon hidden by it. As the dust settled, the crowd held their breath to see who managed to survive that explosion. The smoke disappeared, revealing then two pretty beaten pokemon on the ground, a Sableye and a Nidoking, fainted.

On one side of the arena, a tall guy, about 5.5. feet tall, grabbed one half-red, half-white sphere, an object known as a Pokeball, ready to return his Sableye, while on the other side, a beautiful girl, with an astonishing blonde hair, stared at his fainted Nidoking, grabbing a pokeball as well.

The crowd’s excitement was interrupted by a voice. “Sableye and Nidoking can no longer battle.” the referee said. “John and Sarah, send your last pokemon”.

The strange purple creature and the behemoth were hit by a red laser, turning into pure pokemon energy and returning to their respective pokeballs. Clipping the balls on their belt, both trainers grabbed another pokeball, and toss them into the air. “Go!” John and Sarah said, the pokeballs in the air opening, and two white figures being released, quickly turning into a Weavile and a Dragonair.

Before the referee could start the battle, the announcer said “This is the final round, between John’s Weavile and Sarah’s Dragonair. The one that wins this round, wins the battle. Who of the Smith Brothers will win?”

“Good luck, Sarah!” John said, smiling at his younger sister, which returned the smile. “Good luck to you too, John!” she said. “May the best Smith win!”

“Weavile versus Dragonair! Begin!”, the referee shouted, the last battle iniciating.

“Mystique, paralyze Stealth with a Thunder Wave”, the girl ordered to her pokemon. The dragon charged as much electricity to paralyze her foe, small electric particles appearing on her mouth. Mystique fired tendrils of electricity towards the weasel, in order to paralyze him. “Double Team”, John calmly says to his Weavile, like nothing was happening. This trainer’s calm was well known by all trainers in Raylotte City, as nothing, nothing at all, could startle him. The Weavile obeyed his trainer’s orders, and before the Thunder Wave could hit him, he created 10 clones of himself, escaping in this way from the paralyzing attack. The clone hit by the Thunder Wave disappeared on contact, only 9 remaining.

“Damn it!” Sarah said. “What will I do now?” Before she noticed, the 9 Weaviles formed a circle and surrounded the blue, and now worried, dragon. “On the minimal contact, the clones created by a Double Team attack will vanish into thin air” Sarah thought. She remembered reading that on a Pokemon Book, but she had to do something, and fast. His brother’s Stealth was the pokemon he got, and he’s the most powerful of his team. Plus, Dragonair had a type disadvantage over Weavile, which make things even harder.

“Fire a Shadow Ball!” John ordered, his voice interrupting Sarah’s thoughts and making her come back from Wonderland to Earth. The 9 Weaviles started charging a small black energy orb between their claws, the orbs growing quickly. The weasels then fired those 9 Shadow Balls, only one of them being real. Mystique didn’t move, not because she didn’t want to, but because she didn’t have the time to dodge: as the cloned Shadow Balls disappeared when they “hit” the Dragonair, the real one easily hit her, sending the dragon flying through the arena. Hitting the ground, when she got up, she was already surrounded by the Weavile Circle.

“Mystique, create a Twister!” Sarah said, her blue eyes showing despair. The Dragonair then started spinning quickly, staying on the same place, creating winds that developed quickly into a high cyclone that was enlarging by every second. The clones, being hit by the fast and powerful winds, vanish into thin air, the real Weavile being the only one remaining in there. He tried to stay on the ground, using his claws to grab himself to the ground, but that was of no use. The Twister got stronger, and the dark pokemon was “swallowed” by the cyclone, flying. The cyclone faded, the weasel’s flying ending, and what comes up…must come down. And so did Stealth, hitting the ground hard.

“Nice work!” John exclaimed to his sister. “Still, don’t think you already won. The battle has only begun…” Sarah was pretty nervous with this round. She never managed to defeat her genius brother, but now she could have a chance, only one pokemon remaining to both sides. Still, the odds were against her.

“Stealth, Quick Slash!”, the boy calmly ordered to his Weavile. Sarah knew that this “quick slash” attack was an Agility and Slash combo, which resulted almost every time in a faint.

“Mystique, confuse him with a Supersonic!” she nervously said. The dragon then started emitting a high-pitched stream on noise which was quickly interrupted by the Weavile’s quick slash, the supersonic lasting only about one second, and doing no damages whatsoever to Stealth. His claws ripped the dragon’s chest, Mystique backing off some meters. Three claw marks could be seen on the Dragonair, which was getting tired, while Stealth showed no signs of fatigue.

“Mystique, fire a Dragon Breath!” Sarah yelled, getting more nervous as the battle continued. “If this keeps going like it is, I’m not going to last one more second!” she nervously thought. Mystique fired a greenish-blue mist-flame onto her opponent, but Stealth quickly jumped, dodging the Dragon Breath.

“Mystique, fire a Flamethrower!” Sarah quickly shouted, seeing Stealth in the air, Stealth couldn’t go anywhere. “It might be our only opportunity...” she excitedly thought. John gasped at his sister’s command, his calm face turning worried and hoped for Stealth to dodge it. His praying was not enough: Mystique fired a long, straight beam of fire, the Flamethrower easily hitting the Weavile which cried in pain. He took pretty good damages that could change the whole battle, the weasel hitting the ground.

“Yes!” she exclaimed, happily jumping like she had already won the battle. “Big mistake, sis’” John whispered, regaining his calm. “The battle will end soon...”

“Mystique, fire another Flamethrower, let’s finish him!” she said to her Dragonair, some flames appearing on the dragon’s mouth and Stealth getting up. The Flamethrower was sent towards the dark pokemon once again, while John quickly and loudly said “Faint Attack!”

It was like the battle and the world ended to Sarah. “No, this can’t be happening!” she thought. The Faint Attack used by Stealth was always his last move, ending then the match, John being the winner.

The Weavile disappeared into thin air, the Flamethrower hitting nothing more than the air. A loud and surprised “Wow!” was heard from the crowd, which was wondering where the Weavile was.

As the fire beam faded, Stealth appeared behind Mystique, a medium-sized cyan orb growing from his mouth. Sarah gasped when she saw him, and almost fainted when she heard her brother saying “It’s over...”

The arena exploded one more time, a huge flash blinding everyone in the Arena and Stadium. The flash’s effects were gone, and everyone regained their vision, and found again another with a smoke layer.

“Whoa, folks, what has just happened in here?” the announcer exclaimed what seemed more of a question than an exclamation. The dust slowly settled, both trainers in the arena wanting to know what happened, John wanting to know if he won, and Sarah, if Mystique managed to survive to whatever happened in there.

The dust settled, and all the people on the Celebi Park Stadium found a winner and a loser: a fainted and partially freezed Dragonair, and a standing-up and smiling Weavile.

“Dragonair can no longer battle” the referee said. “Weavile is the winner. John is the winner of the Pokemon Battle!”

The crowd loudly clapped, the noise being even deafening. “Wow, just wow!” the announcer says. “Congrats to John Smith, who keeps his 0 defeat record. Let’s now see what happened in that explosion!”

Smiling, the announcer turns to the giant screen on the stadium, the Dragonair and Weavile appearing on slow motion. “Here, we see Stealth appearing behind Mystique. Then, Stealth....fired an Ice Beam, a super effective move against Mystique. The close range attacks hit the dragon very quickly, an explosion occurring from the contact! Brilliant move from John Smith! Again, congratulations!”

The crowd continued cheering for John, and Sarah fell on her knees. “I still couldn’t defeat him...” she thought. The thought of defeat wasn’t crushing her heart, as she was defeated by her brother million times... She never defeated her older brother, and probably never will.

“Excellent work, Sarah!” a voice interrupted her thoughts. She looked up to find his brother smiling. “You did a terrific job today. You improved a lot. If you keep like that, you’ll defeat me in a few days or weeks.” Those were the words that always encouraged Sarah to train even harder; that was her goal: to defeat his brother in a pokemon battle. She got up, and gave John a big hug, and whispered to his ear “You can bet on that, brother...just wait...”


~~~~~~~~~~

In the depths of a dark cave, nothing could be seen...except a small floating green sphere, that emitted a weak, small green glow. The orb’s light wasn’t powerful enough to illuminate the whole cave but only a countenance: a cloaked figure, staring at the orb like if it was hypnotized by the glowing sphere.

“It is time for another hunt...” it whispered, vanishing into thin air, the orb illuminating just the pure darkness of the cave.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

That's Chapter 1 :O

EonMaster One
1st September 2006, 9:53 PM
English isn't your first language? Are you kidding!? Let me be the first to say that you're better with grammar than some Americans I know. I really like your style because you know how to write. You seem pretty aware that writing's more than putting a long list of sentences together. Your description is pretty impressive. IMO, for a fic writer - especially of a OT or journey fic - there are about three levels that new writers come in at in terms of description. Especially of battles.

I describe them affectionately as Color, Advance, and Anime. Those are for new writers, of course. There are writers nowadays with description that is so good that you almost visualize what they're describing as if it was real. I'd say that you're about Anime level right now, but your potential is astounding.

One tip - don't chop your chapters. What I've seen from you probably amounts to about six to eight pages, if that, on your common word processor (Word, WordPerfect, etc.) Don't stop your chapters when you run out of thoughts. Brainstorm a bit, come back, and write chapters that your readers can sink their teeth into. I'm not saying write novel chapters (like I do sometimes ^_^) but don't stop after, like, a scene, which seems to happen with you so far. If you don't, the result is that your fics will run to about 100 short chapters that are choppy and disjointed. How's this sound telling your readers?

You wanna find X? Go read Chapter 67. O_o
You wanna read Y? Look for Chapter 142. x_X

Other than that, I really like what I see and I'm pretty sure I'll be back.

;196; - EM1, out.

John's Knight
2nd September 2006, 8:38 AM
One tip - don't chop your chapters. What I've seen from you probably amounts to about six to eight pages, if that, on your common word processor (Word, WordPerfect, etc.) Don't stop your chapters when you run out of thoughts. Brainstorm a bit, come back, and write chapters that your readers can sink their teeth into. I'm not saying write novel chapters (like I do sometimes ^_^) but don't stop after, like, a scene, which seems to happen with you so far. If you don't, the result is that your fics will run to about 100 short chapters that are choppy and disjointed. How's this sound telling your readers?

You wanna find X? Go read Chapter 67. O_o
You wanna read Y? Look for Chapter 142. x_X

Other than that, I really like what I see and I'm pretty sure I'll be back.

;196; - EM1, out.

Hm, thanks for the tip and comments ^^
Actually, this chapter shouldn't have ended like it did...there was supposed to be more, maybe I'll edit it, I don't know =/

Again, thanks ^^

Arcanine Royale
2nd September 2006, 10:01 PM
So, a nice chapter has arrived. The battle was well thought out, and the chapter was over all good. It's a little bit on the short side, but the plot is well developed. Though it would help if you described the attacks more, insteasd of just saying "____ used Flamethrower" say "____ raised its head, sending a long stream of supple red flame at the opponent." That at least helps to visualize attacks, especially the lesser known ones. Also, it might help to describe the pokemon - what they look like and how the do attacks. That would always help.

Nice chappy, John's Knight. Just try to describe more, and that'll add a bit to the length. Also, try to write out numbers one to ninety-nine and those ending in two or more zeros, such as one-hundred and three-thousand.

Oh and...




and become a super fic lasting into the 40-50's of pages.



I'm pretty sure you mean chapters, right? Because fourty pages is like four chapters (two for the great authors like Dragonfree and xXSaberXx.) But this fic is pretty good right now. I didn't say the greatest, but it has potential.

EonMaster One
2nd September 2006, 11:57 PM
You're damn right, it has potential.

And yeah...my fic reached fifty pages by chapter five. But that's because I'm a long-winded s.o.b. @_@

Oh, another couple of tips for JK - this one doesn't have to do with grammar or mechanics or anything. But whatever you do, be careful with forcing yourself to write if you don't have any ideas. Sometimes it works, but most of the time, what comes out will be disjointed and frankly sub-par.

Secondly, it does a fic writer good to be thinking at least a chapter or two (and if you keep writing chapters that short, probably three or four) ahead to avoid just making stuff up off of the cuff. For example, my fic, Pokemon: Revolution Johto, is currently on Chapter 31 - yes, that's a shameless plug ^^ - but I've written up to thirty-five and have a good idea of what's going to be happening through about thirty-seven or thirty-eight.

Thirdly, if you're daydreaming about your fic and think of something that you think would go in there well, WRITE IT THE HELL DOWN SOMEWHERE. I cannot stress this enough. That way, you can sort out the treasure from the trash, so to speak, and also remember the ideas that you had in the first place.

And finally, don't get discouraged if there's big gaps between reviews. A lot of times, when it's your first fic and you're not really established in terms of like Dragonfree or xXSaberXx, you'll get passed over in favor of the more experienced writers that have longer-running fics. I know I'm guilty of doing so, myself. I always look for the fics with a hundred or a thousand (yes, I've seen some) replies, because that means they've been around a while.

Besides, as you come to find out, a lot of people don't feel like critiquing a fic. They just read it and move on, so you really never find out how many readers you have.

John's Knight
3rd September 2006, 11:58 PM
First, let me say thanks for all the comments, Arcanine Royale and EonMaster One.

Secondly, let me explain why this chapter didn't go as I planed, as I said before:


Actually, this chapter shouldn't have ended like it did...there was supposed to be more

You see, when I said "I'm gonna post on Monday/Tuesday/etc", I never posted it. This time, I really wanted to post it. However, I was in a hurry, and wouldn't get on a computer until today, at this hour. So, I posted it.

But

I'll probably edit it, and if I do say, I'll say it so it can be re-readen.

Now, let's comment the comments oO


Though it would help if you described the attacks more, insteasd of just saying "____ used Flamethrower" say "____ raised its head, sending a long stream of supple red flame at the opponent." That at least helps to visualize attacks, especially the lesser known ones. Also, it might help to describe the pokemon - what they look like and how the do attacks. That would always help.

More description, ok.


Also, try to write out numbers one to ninety-nine and those ending in two or more zeros, such as one-hundred and three-thousand.

Edited Chapter number "1" to "One".


but I've written up to thirty-five and have a good idea of what's going to be happening through about thirty-seven or thirty-eight.

Thirdly, if you're daydreaming about your fic and think of something that you think would go in there well, WRITE IT THE HELL DOWN SOMEWHERE. I cannot stress this enough. That way, you can sort out the treasure from the trash, so to speak, and also remember the ideas that you had in the first place.

Hm, I might not have written the future chapters, but I do have a document where I put the ideas I have, so I don't forget them. I also have another document where I write the plot, that helps me.


A lot of times, when it's your first fic and you're not really established in terms of like Dragonfree or xXSaberXx, you'll get passed over in favor of the more experienced writers that have longer-running fics. I know I'm guilty of doing so, myself. I always look for the fics with a hundred or a thousand (yes, I've seen some) replies, because that means they've been around a while.

Damn, I didn't even think I would get to 5 comments <<; So this is extremely motivating for me. And I know I'm not a writing master, but with work, I can improve slowly. This is my first english *which is not my primary language, which makes me have two translators around me* fic. ;)

Besides, as you come to find out, a lot of people don't feel like critiquing a fic. They just read it and move on, so you really never find out how many readers you have.

That's the thing I hate the most. But I can't make anything about it.

~~

Also, before I stop writing this post, I just noticed your sig, EonMaster One, and words can't describe my satisfaction and happiness. Thanks!

Quoting things makes me tired <<;

John's Knight
11th September 2006, 2:20 PM
Ok, just posting to say "Expect chapter Wednesday or Thursday".
That is all.
*fl33s*

pathophobe
11th September 2006, 10:33 PM
Good fic.

A few mistakes I noticed were you refered to sarah as him in the beginning and also you spoke of the two as brothers.

That's all I saw that was grammatically wrong, and you do have way better grammar than almost everyone I know.

John's Knight
14th September 2006, 11:18 PM
Sorry, I didn't have the time to write the next chapter. I started it, but couldn't end it.
Again, sorry.

John's Knight
4th October 2006, 9:01 PM
...it has been that long? oO

Sorry guys for not writing anything. School started, and the teachers have been complete b*tches. Today is a national holiday, I'll try to write some more.

Again, sorry.

Bloody Banette
17th December 2006, 2:19 PM
Wow, your fic is awesome. I'll keep an eye on it. *cheers*

John's Knight
17th December 2006, 6:31 PM
I finally wrote Chapter Two. <<; Enjoy!


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Chapter Two – An Unpleasant Meeting

The Raylotte Lake was one of the most beautiful works of Nature. It was well known for its clean, crystalline waters, where people could easily see their reflexes, and for its tranquility, as it was well hidden in the Artemis Forest, few knowing about its existence.

The Artemis Forest was also one of Nature’s masterpieces. It was a vast and dense forest, with many kinds of trees. Still, all of those trees were magnificent and huge, the tree-cops stopping the sunlight from illuminating the forest. It was like a big, green veil covering the Earth.

Many pokemon lived in that forest: they lived happily and in society. Groups of Aipom swinging from tree to tree; Snorlax sleeping under the shade of trees; Oddish dancing in small flowers fields, enjoying the delightful and sweet arom; baby Pidgey on their nests, on the tree branches, while their mother Pidgeotto flies low, under the tree cops, looking very carefully at the ground, searching for food for her babies... It was like a very peaceful, quiet and private Paradise. However, today, it was much quieter than it used to be, and no one could be spotted.

The silent was then quickly interrupted by a huge and loud explosion near the Raylotte Lake. The explosion disturbed the quiet waters of the lake, which were now undulating violently, and winnowed the trees, some of their leaves falling and slowly reaching the ground.

Smoke covered the lake’s shores, and nothing could be seen. As it was slowly disappearing, a beaten blue creature, that resembled a wolf, was heavily panting, staring at the rest of the smoke, waiting for it to set.

“You’ll have to do better than that, Suicune...” a voice said, making the majestic dog even more nervous. As the smoke set, a cloaked figure slowly walked towards the dog, eyes glowing red.

“You might have not died yet...” Suicune whispered, due to her lack of strengths, as the shadow continued walking. “But you will die, no matter what!” she shouted, the crystalline growth on his head starting to glow in a shade of light blue.

As she quickly charged his energies, a light blue orb appeared in front of her mouth, growing by the second. She then raised her head, sending a light-blue lightning beam at her foe, which quickly vanished into thin air. The Ice Beam hit the waters near the shore, an explosion occurring. The water instantly froze, creating a small and spiky iceberg, and as the sunlight was hitting it, it was slowly melting and shining like a gigantic and beautiful crystal.

“Where is it?” Suicune thought nervously, searching for her foe. She saw it teleporting, so it wasn’t killed by her attack. Ands he should quickly find it; her life depended on that.


[-------------------]

Not so far away from the Raylotte Lake, the Smith brothers were calmly walking through the woods, observing the natural beauty of the Artemis Forest. Even though they have walked through it a million times, they are always surprised and astonished to see such beauty in only one place. However, they were disappointed, and intrigued as well, since they haven’t found any pokemon since the start of their walk.

“Odd...” John sadly said. “Trick is always playing in this area. Still, I can’t find him...”

He was worried about Trick, the cute small Etebossu, king of the Aipom and Etebossu of the Artemis Forest. The first time both met, Trick was a small Aipom that was training on its own to the Crown Tournament: the annual tournament where the winner, whether it’s an Aipom or Etebossu, becomes the King. However, during one of those trainings, John passed by, the Aipom thinking it was a hunter. Quickly attacking John with a Double Slap, the trainer sent Stealth to take care of the...”misunderstanding”. The Weavile didn’t want to attack, as John ordered, and dodged all the Aipom’s attacks. However, during this “battle”, the Aipom glowed brightly, changing his form into an Etebossu. After that, both continued the “battle”, but the Etebossu eventually got tired, and fainted due to exhaustion. John, instead of catching it, took a Revive from its backpack, using it on the double-tailed pokemon. Giving him some berries to eat, the Etebossu thanked the trainer, as he had evolved thanks to him. Both became friends since then. Moreover, when John started walking away, the Etebossu picked one of John’s berries and threw it at his head. After the berry hit, John looked back, but didn’t find the trickster pokemon. Therefore the nickname “Trick”.

Sarah was also worried, as the Dancing Oddish were always there, (obviously) dancing. She loved that group of cute happy Oddish, and she was always invited to dance with them. She had a lot of happy memories with them.

Both continued their walk, unaware of what was going on, not so far away. But they would soon know...


[-------------------]

“Above you” a voice yelled, making the dog instantly look above herself. “There it is” she thought.

However, before she could do anything, a powerful multi-colored beam “drilled” the air, heading towards the majestic legend. After the hit, a furious explosion, much more powerful and destructive than the lasts, almost torn apart the Suicune; the impact winnowed violently the trees, some of them falling down; the lake waters were undulating furiously and without mercy, as if a windstorm was upon them; the Apocalypse was confined to the Raylotte Lake, and soon darkness would destroy the entire area, without mercy and pity.


[-------------------]

“Whoa!” John exclaimed, a bright light blinding them, a tremendously loud roar making them cover their ears, and a brutal, swift earthquake making them fall.

“What’s happening?” Sarah shouted, trying to overcome the explosion’s noise, but it was of no use. She had to wait until it was over.


[-------------]

The explosion’s effects ended. The trees still winnowed a bit, but slower; the roar stopped; the waters undulated slowly; the bright light faded.

“What... what happened?” Sarah stuttered, lying on the ground. Slowly opening her eyes, she saw John getting up. He helped his sister getting up, and looked to his front.

“Whatever happened, it happened over there.” He said, pointing at the unclear sight of the Raylottle Lake. “Let’s go”

Sarah, cleaning her clothes, was pulled by her brother, which grabbed her arm and started running. Both headed towards the Lake, jumping over some fallen branches, and even entire trees. As they got there, the smoke still was up, slowly fading. “I can’t see a thing...” he said, hoping the smoke would settle a bit faster.

It faded, and they were shocked: it looked like multiple bombs hit the same spot. A huge crater dug the ground, and the nearby area was smashed. The waves sometimes filled the hole, and in its bottom, was a blue creature, pretty beaten, which seemed unconscious.

“Oh my God...” the trainers said in unisonous. John was the first that started walking towards what seemed a dog. Slowly descending, both reached the blue dog lying on the ground, fainted. It had many injuries, some parts of his body covered in blood.

“Is... is it dead?” she asked. She was starting to cry, her eyes filled with fragile tears.

John put his hand in the middle of the dog’s chest, where its heart was. Unlike humans, Pokemon had their hearts in the middle of their chest, as priests stated human had some centuries ago, since the heart was the center piece of their body and soul. Science proved they were wrong.

“No signs of life...” he whispered. Getting up, he hugged his sister, which was now crying. “Who could do such a thing?” she asked. No answer from his brother.

Above them, a cloaked figure slowly descended, observing the two teenagers. It stopped, standing above them some meters. Its eyes then started glowing blue, as they glowed in its previous murderer. “You’re mine...” it thought, showing a malicious smile.

The Suicune’s body then glowed blue as well, the trainers surprised and astonished by such. The glow was getting brighter, and from its heart, a blue energy sphere started ascending, their eyes trying to follow the strange object. As they looked up, they saw someone, with a black cloak, floating above their heads.

The murderer was surprised, its eyes astonishingly stuck on the object, that should have descended from the skies, and not ascend from the ground. Then, it laughed to itself. “So, they abandoned the Legendary Realm... pathetic attempt, in my opinion.”

The blue glowing on its eyes faded, and he reached the orb with its hand. It emitted a weak blue glow, before disappearing into thin air, from out of everyone’s sight.

“Another one down...” it thought. However, before teleporting itself to another place, it heard some loud shouting from below. It then looked, and saw the teenagers shouting something that it couldn’t hear. Descending more, their words became understandable.

“Are you responsible for this disaster?” John angrily shouted, followed by his sister. “How could you do this? You’re a monster.”

“Pitiful humans.” It disdainfully said. However, before any other teleporting attempt, the boy reached one of his pokeballs and tossed it. The sphere opened, revealing a shocked Stealth, as he saw the nearby surroundings. “Stealth, above you!” John yelled, the Weavile immediately looking up, spotting the dark character. “Hit it with a Shadow Ball!” the trainer again ordered. Stealth then charged a small black orb of energy between his claws, getting bigger by the second. Then, the dark pokemon fired the sparking orb, the Shadow Ball quickly heading towards the opponent. The assassin does nothing but glow its eyes again, a blue barrier stopping the Shadow Ball from moving on, eventually fading.

“What the?...” John exclaimed. “It stopped his Shadow Ball with just a barrier? It must be pretty strong...” Stealth was also strong, and had never been defeated. However, something told John that this wasn’t an ordinary foe. Sarah was also astonished: her pokemon had never been able to stop one of Stealth’s attacks, and so did other pokemon.

“Stealth, try again!” he ordered. Stealth repeated the same maneuver, charging another ghost energy orb between his claws. He then fired another Shadow Ball, which stopped moving, since it had hit another impenetrable barrier.

“Your Weavile is strong” the murderer says. “But he isn’t stronger than me!”

That said, a small black orb was being charged in front of the murderer, which stood still. As the charging process ended, the Shadow Ball was fired towards the Weavile, which countered with another Shadow Ball of his own. However, the assassin’s orb was much more powerful than Stealth’s, and passed through the other orb, which faded. Still moving quickly, it hit Stealth, followed by another explosion, which sent both the trainers and Stealth flying, falling down the crater.

“Let’s see if they learned their lesson...” the cloaked figure thought, and finally disappeared into thin air, leaving the dead Suicune, the teenagers, and the Weavile, lying unconscious on the bottom of the crater created by it.


[-------------------]

They were unconscious for about an hour. The wind wasn’t blowing as violently as it did before; in fact, it wasn’t blowing at all. A complete, even eerie, silent surrounded the area, as if the environment knew that one of its rulers, the wind one, was dead.

Sarah was the first that woke up, with signs of a small and temporary amnesia. “My head hurts...” she said, and put her hand behind her head. Her hand turned wet, and when she saw it, she realized that she was bleeding. “I must have broken my head on that fall...”

That reminded her of what had happened. She was walking through the Artemis Woods, not finding any pokemon or seeing any sign of life. Then, a furious explosion knocked her down, and after it was over, both she and John headed towards the Raylotte Lake. They were surprised to see a huge crater near the shores, and a dead pokemon on its bottom. They were then surprised to see someone above them, after it had taken something from the dead dog. John tried to stop it with Stealth’s help. Then, the possible murderer fired a destructive attack, and then... she fainted?

As she was traveling through her memories, John woke up, searching for the shadow figure. “It’s gone...” he thought, disappointed. He then looked at the fainted Stealth, and returned him to his pokeball. “I... lost?”

Both were in their own “worlds”, trying to find answers to strange questions, until their thoughts were interrupted by a bass voice. “Are you the ones responsible for Suicune’s death?”

The trainers looked up, and saw another two dog-like creatures: one of them yellow, the other one redish-brown. The yellow dog’s tail had a small star at the end; its body had black paintings, resembling lightnings, and a purple mame. The brown dog was quite hairy; it had gray rings attached to its legs; it had small structures on its torso, resembling wings, and a white mame. The yellow dog spoke again, with its bass and calm voice. “I’ll repeat the question again: are you the ones responsible for Suicune’s death?”

Before John and Sarah could answer, the other dog quickly and angrily shouts: “OF COURSE THEY’RE RESPONSIBLE! THEY’RE NEAR HER!”

That said, a small ball of fire appeared on its mouth, growing by the second, small dazzling flames “jumping” off the main orb, which in another situation, would be a beautiful appeal. However, in that case, that fire could well mean the death of both trainers.

“We weren’t the ones!” John shouted, trying to save their lives. “They weren’t the ones, Entei.” The yellow dog said, trying to avoid innocent deaths. Still, the Entei was blind and deaf, due to its rage, and fired its attack, the fire orb rapidly heading towards them.

“You’re going to die, because of what you have done!” the dog shouted, laughing and crying at the same time. “You killed my love!...”

Ozma Regent
17th December 2006, 10:28 PM
Glad you continued writing this fic. ^_^
Well, I just read chapter two, and the [possible] romance between Entei and Suicune was unexpected o_O. Fire and Water as lovers...well thought, IMO.

The description of the battle between Suicune and the Murderer was also good, glad you put more stuff in their battle, since the Celebi part was a bit too...quick?

Morever, I also think the concluding part was too "quick". =/

I hope to see another chapter soon. ^_^

John's Knight
18th December 2006, 2:16 PM
Well, I just read chapter two, and the [possible] romance between Entei and Suicune was unexpected o_O. Fire and Water as lovers...well thought, IMO.

I didn't even think about that XD;


The description of the battle between Suicune and the Murderer was also good, glad you put more stuff in their battle, since the Celebi part was a bit too...quick?

Thanks, and I agree that the Celebi 'chapter' was rushed. Let's hope I improve with time ;/


Morever, I also think the concluding part was too "quick". =/

=/ as well.


I hope to see another chapter soon. ^_^

*cough* I also hope so *cough*

John's Knight
23rd December 2006, 8:35 PM
...Erm....review, someone? Please?

Jerichi
24th December 2006, 7:36 PM
Hello. Here as per request.

Overall, the plot's good, and the charecters are ok. Your description is nice. Not perfect, but quite good.

You're problem is plurals.

No "damages," "energies," that stuff. Just watch your plurals.

But overall, this is coming along nicely. Keep it up.

+Rhapsody+
29th December 2006, 10:31 PM
Here as requested.

First of all, I am aware that English isn't your first language. From that, I can tell that you are improving in grammar, but it seems that you still have a ways to go.

The most apparent problem I find about the grammar is the fact that you tend to have many run-on sentences. Such as this:


The Raylotte Lake was one of the most beautiful works of Nature. It was well known for its clean, crystalline waters, where people could easily see their reflexes, and for its tranquility, as it was well hidden in the Artemis Forest, few knowing about its existence.

It just doesn't flow. I'd suggest breaking down your sentences so that they don't appear so dragging. Try delving into details of what you are attempting to describe, then encorporate those ideas into sentences. In many instances, hyphens could have been used to correct the overuse of commas in these run-ons.

You also have problems with tenses. From what I've read, this is meant to be written in past tense, yet I find that the sentences suddenly break into present tense. Be aware of that.


“You might have not died yet...” Suicune whispered, due to her lack of strengths, as the shadow continued walking. “But you will die, no matter what!” she shouted, the crystalline growth on his head starting to glow in a shade of light blue.


You seemed to have changed Suicune's gender there.


Sarah, cleaning her clothes, was pulled by her brother, which grabbed her arm and started running. Both headed towards the Lake, jumping over some fallen branches, and even entire trees. As they got there, the smoke still was up, slowly fading. “I can’t see a thing...” he said, hoping the smoke would settle a bit faster.



The term "even entire trees" just sounds impossible. Perhaps the sentence should have said something along the lines of "trunks of entire fallen trees," but "even entire trees" doesn't make sense.

The plot of the fic could have been more interesting if it were executed in a different way. In many cases, the way the story is written does effect the execution of the plot. If a writing style is engaging, the story will be engaging. But to me, it felt as if everything dragged on. Maybe this is because of the lack of flow and grammar mistakes, but the other elements also have a lot to do with it.

I also didn't feel connected to the characters at all. I know that you attempted to create an image, but using specifics such as "he was about 5.5" didn't paint a clear picture in my head. I also didn't receive any background information on the character's pasts, nor did I really get a feel of their personalities. They just seemed. . .generic.

The Pokemon also lacked personality and seemed stereotypical. I hate to use the term "Pokebot" but this is what I felt.

Overall, this needs some major improvement. But I can see that you do have potential, so the best thing you can do is to just keep writing. English wasn't my first language either, but I found that if you keep reading and writing, your abilities grammar-wise will improve.

John's Knight
30th December 2006, 10:01 PM
The most apparent problem I find about the grammar is the fact that you tend to have many run-on sentences. Such as this:

It just doesn't flow. I'd suggest breaking down your sentences so that they don't appear so dragging. Try delving into details of what you are attempting to describe, then encorporate those ideas into sentences. In many instances, hyphens could have been used to correct the overuse of commas in these run-ons.

*checks* You're absolutely right.


You also have problems with tenses. From what I've read, this is meant to be written in past tense, yet I find that the sentences suddenly break into present tense. Be aware of that.

Ops. *is ashamed* This is supposed to be written in past tense. Need to be more careful.


You seemed to have changed Suicune's gender there.

No, I did not. *edits* ;P


The term "even entire trees" just sounds impossible. Perhaps the sentence should have said something along the lines of "trunks of entire fallen trees," but "even entire trees" doesn't make sense.

Hm, 'kay. It sounds wierd when you read it o0;


The plot of the fic could have been more interesting if it were executed in a different way. In many cases, the way the story is written does effect the execution of the plot. If a writing style is engaging, the story will be engaging. But to me, it felt as if everything dragged on. Maybe this is because of the lack of flow and grammar mistakes, but the other elements also have a lot to do with it.

Description is also a cause.


I also didn't feel connected to the characters at all. I know that you attempted to create an image, but using specifics such as "he was about 5.5" didn't paint a clear picture in my head. I also didn't receive any background information on the character's pasts, nor did I really get a feel of their personalities. They just seemed. . .generic.

Again, description. I really need to improve on that. About the background, the next chapter will show us some of their (if I may say so, interesting...no, it won't) background.


The Pokemon also lacked personality and seemed stereotypical. I hate to use the term "Pokebot" but this is what I felt.

Yet again, description.

Thanks for the comments! ^_^

+Rhapsody+
31st December 2006, 12:02 AM
Thanks for the comments! ^_^


No problem. =P I hope I didn't make you want to strangle me across the computer screen because of my review in all it's painful attempt to tell the truth.

John's Knight
1st January 2007, 2:46 PM
Chapter Three – Friends and Enemies

“You killed my love!” the red and furious beast shouted, eventually firing a massive orb of fire, the air surrounding it undulating, due to the heat.

“You killed my love!”

Those words echoed in Sarah’s mind, as if time had stopped. Not knowing why, the words shocked her, but at the same time, made her feel guilty. Not guilty of killing the one called “Suicune”; guilty of not being able to explain to the raging dog who did such terrible act. Who really killed Suicune. It would never know...

“The secret will die with us...” she thought.

It was true what humans suspected. When we’re close to death, we see our all we did in our life. Susan was seeing it, ignoring what was happening. There she was: a year after John received his starter pokemon, a small baby Sneasel which was much stronger than when captured, Sarah happily started with a small male Nidoran, the small pokemon biting her arm gently several times. His bite was quite strong, and marked her arm for about two weeks. Her life continued to move at a quite fast pace: two years had passed, and both were training in the Artemis Forest, John with a Weavile, and Sarah with a fully grown Nidorino. Both pokemon were fighting fiercely, Ice Beams and Sludge Bombs hitting everything but the opponent (and the trainers). The flashbacks moved rapidly again, and stopped. Sarah was shocked to see that; that was the saddest memory she had, and could possibly have. A building was on fire. The letters “Raylotte City Bank” could be read above the majestic front door. Policemen and Firemen were trying to evacuate the area; Reporters were broadcasting the news. “Here, at the Raylotte City Bank,” a reporter said. “A group of armed men tried to rob the bank, making several hostages, demanding twenty million pokedollars in return of their liberty and safety. The Police tried to get inside the building, but were surprised by an explosion. It isn’t known what was the origin of the devastating explosion, but it is possible that the men had brought explosives, in case their plan failed. The firemen can’t enter the building, seeing that it has risks of collapsing. There are currently no survivors.”

Their mother was in there. She died.

Crying, Sarah hoped for the flashbacks to start moving again, stopping in a happier time. As if answering to her wishes, it started moving again. She saw her and John overcome their mother’s death, catching new pokemon, winning several tournaments... That was their life. Dedicated to pokemon and pokemon battling.

The ball of fire quickly moved towards its targets, although the young girl wasn’t realizing that. She was too focused on her “world” to notice the movement of Death.

John was, however. He was staring at the possible cause of his death, moving, like when a tiger jumps upon a gazelle. He had few seconds, and still, it seemed like an eternity. Closing his eyes, he hoped for a quick death, instead of a painful and slow one. Both he and his sister would soon die, due to acts of an enraged, confused, and depressed beast.

His “desire” was not fulfilled, though.

There was no death.


[-------------------]

Seconds passed, and there was no impact. No explosion. Absolutely nothing.

The red beast was shocked at what he saw, and at the same time, furious. Something happened; as he looked at the trainers, both the beasts quickly understood what had happened.

“What are you doing?!” the one called Entei angrily shouted, glaring at something above the siblings’ heads. “They killed Suicune! They killed Celebi! They’re responsible for their death! They must be punished! They must perish!”

“No, they did not. As so, they shall not be punished for acts they did not commit.” Something coldly and calmly replied, Entei stepping back a little as if afraid of the one who had just talked.

The Raylotte Lake was once again engulfed by silence, meant to be quickly broken as it was before.


[-------------------]

John eventually opened his eyes, surprisingly realizing he was still alive. And not burning as well. He wasn’t feeling any pain of any kind; he wasn’t feeling pain at all –except for the heart’s oppression. After all, he experienced the terror of a near Death.

Not only the attack gave him the chills, sweat drops falling from his forehead, but also the voice. That cold voice. The Entei seemed to be afraid of the one who spoke as well. Something happened, something that enraged the attacking beast. In front of him, a dense orb with fire energy struggled to move, a bright purple glow slowly engulfing it, eventually both the glow and the fire attack disappearing. “Whoa...” he simply, slowly whispered, with a small sign of exclamation and relief.

Sarah also got out of her small anguish, realizing that the burning death was no longer upon them, although she didn’t hear the voice. They were saved. They were lucky.

Both looked up, spotting both beasts in the same place as they were before; the yellow one glared at the red one, while the red dog glared with much more rage at another thing. The trainers looked for their possible savior, wanting to thank him or her...

...Or absolutely nothing.

“What the hell is it glaring at?” John thought, somewhat confused. There seemed to be no one there, except them. The siblings walked out of the crater, very slowly, as they didn’t want to grab the Entei’s attention, and another fire ball to be thrown at them.

However, even when they came out of the crater, they saw no one else but themselves and the beasts. “The Entei must be crazy...” Sarah thought. “He must be in shock. After all, his loved one died...”

However, as in an answer to the trainers’ questions, a small purple orb appeared in the middle of them, and quickly emitted a bright light, which blinded them, glowing vigorously, and yet, beautifully and mysteriously. The light didn’t affect the beasts, thought; Entei continued glaring at it, and the yellow dog moved its head, staring at the orb as well.

“What’s happening?” Sarah once again asked, with her eyes closed. During the last hour, a lot of unexplainable events happened, and none of which still has a concrete answer.

“I don’t know as well...” John replied, slowly opening his eyes, putting his arm in front of them. “But I think we’re about to meet the one who saved us.”


[-------------------]

Somewhere, the depths of a cave was illuminated by a weak green light. A small, levitating, green orb was the one who was emitting the light. Its fragile glow was the only thing that stopped darkness from engulfing the entire cave.

Suddenly, another small levitating orb, this one blue, appeared from out of nowhere, helping its “company” to illuminate the dark cave. Right after this unexpected appearance, another one occurred, a black shadow slowly moving around the orbs, its red eyes fixed upon them.

“Celebi and Suicune are dead.” It whispered, as if talking to those glowing spheres. “The remaining left the Legendary Realm...”

It stopped walking, slipping its arm out of the black cloak. The shadow slowly tried to reach the orbs, its arm and hand being illuminated by a mix of green and blue light.

Black. Its arm and hand were both as black as a night with no moon. Maybe its body was black as well, but the cloak (which was also black) covered its entire body, the glow of its eyes being the only thing visible. Its heart was surely dark: filled with painful feelings and thoughts. It didn’t show any remorse; death was the most natural thing to it. It was in its blood.

Quick flashbacks of its “hunting” passed through its mind. Celebi tried to escape, rapidly flying through the Petalburg Forest. It was a good moment; it loved when its prays started running away. The Shadow Ball was what stopped her. BAM, huge explosion. She was lying on the ground, trying to get it’s mercy. She had always tried to get someone’s mercy and pity; it didn’t work out that time. It was well prepared to not get affected by her beautiful blue eyes, and gentle voice. She would die no matter what. The funniest part was when she recognized it. Her shocked expression was worth the murder. Pity she died with the secret. The Celebi on the Realm was also eliminated. Or should we say, captured. The shadow was looking at her soul: the green orb glowed stronger, but it quickly weakened.

Suicune had been the next. She had struggled to survive, but it was of no use. She would eventually die, and that was what happened. Her soul was retrieved as well, although this time, both the soul and body were together. Very peculiar.

“The power...” it again whispered, feeling the energy emanated by the orbs. “The power of time...the Fury of the Wind... They’re both mine...” The spheres started emitting a stronger glow, as if those words were a calling to their powers.

It drew back its arm, and continued walking around the glowing orbs, its eyes now focused on the ground, and on another subjects.

“That boy...” it thought. Something told it the boy and his sister would become a problem. A problem that would need a quick repair. “Death... The easiest way to solve a problem.” It wouldn’t let the boy and sister (would they be friends? Or siblings? Or even lovers?) interfere in its plan. In its vengeance.

It continued walking, its mind drifting. It was now concentrated on its remaining targets. They had left their primary home. Soul and body were now together as one. “They had never done that before... It’s going to be much easier from now on...”

However, something wasn’t right. It knew that. They might be sad and shocked about their friends, desperate even! But they were never stupid. They never were, and they aren’t now. Moreover, with the Legends of Time and Wind out of the picture, they would surely do anything but leave the Legendary Realm. Yes, they could unit body and soul, but they would stay in the Realm, the most secure place to be, if threatened by a murderer.

But still, they were on Earth. Suicune’s soul was on Earth.

Why?

This was the question that the shadow was asking to itself.

Why would they leave the Realm?

Why would they put themselves in danger?

It stared at the blue orb. The Suicune’s soul was in it. There was something, something that was missing. A piece of a difficult puzzle. Something that would possibly fit in all those questions. An answer.

“Why?...” it whispered. “Why?...”

Why?


[-------------------]

The purple orb continued glowing, the trainers awaiting its fade. The sphere slowly transformed, shaping what appeared a human? The siblings were shocked to see a human with such powers, but quickly gave up on that chance. A tail grew on its back, undulating slowly. Its ears (were it ears, or some strange object on its head?) stood out at the top of its head, and a small tube connected its neck to its torso. Its arms were very thin; opening its hands, it revealed only three fingers (which seemed very cylindrical). Its legs were also thin, only two fingers on its feet. The light started fading, the colors of the strange character being revealed: while its tail was purple, the rest of its body was light gray. It opened its eyes, showing a fierce red, glaring at Entei.

“They’re responsible...” Entei once again said, trying again to convince the stranger.

“Again, no, they are not.” It said, staying calm as before. It didn’t open its mouth, since it had none. It slowly descended, moving through the air, heading towards the red beast, which stepped back a little again. It reached the ground, and “spoke” with the yellow dog.

“Raikou, why didn’t you stop him?” it angrily said. “They were innocents, you knew that. You could have stopped him!”

“I tried to convince him of that, Mewtwo!” Raikou said. “You know well how he is. And don’t forget, Suicune was murdered, and you know that love makes us make irrational things. But I think you have no feelings, so what’s the point?”

Mewtwo ignored that disdainful comment, turning to scared Entei.

“You could have killed innocent people, you idiot.” It said, not as calm as before, with the same cold voice however. “Do you want to be like the one who killed Suicune?! You were about to be exactly like it!”

“Don’t compare me to it...” it angrily whispered. “I’m sorry for that, but...”

“BUT NOTHING!” Mewtwo furiously shouted, moving its hand like a gun, pointing at the red beast’s head. It quickly compressed the air around him, creating a small orb of energy in its hand. Lowering its hand, it fired the orb at the Entei’s leg. Painfully hitting its target, Entei let out a small cry, and fell on his knees, Mewtwo ragingly glaring at him.

It slowly exhaled, seeming calmer. It eventually turned to the trainers, which were observing the events carefully, and painfully. The humanlike creature started walking towards them, the vicious red on its eyes fading, and revealing two eyes as black as night. Both stepped back some feet, like Entei had done, but the Mewtwo quickly reached them, disappearing from where it was, and appearing right in front of them.

“Teleport is quite useful, don’t you think?” it disdainfully said, staring at the shocked and scared faces. John was the one who stuttered. “Who... who a-are you?”

“Me?” it said, letting out a small laugh. “As you may have already heard, I’m Mewtwo, the yellow dog behind me is Raikou, and the one on its knees and tried to kill you is Entei”

“So... you’re the one who saved us?” Sarah said. The Mewtwo simply nodded. “I’d give you a hug, if you weren’t so freaking scary...” she thought, showing a shaken smile.

“Oh, I’m not that scary, you know?” Mewtwo said, blinking an eye to Sarah, which was terrified to see that it could read minds, and that it blinked its eye to her. “Don’t say or think at all” she thought, not realizing she had just thought.

“Well, let’s put this aside.” The humanlike creature “spoke”, returning to its cold attitude. “What you saw some time ago, was a murder. The creature you saw above your heads was the murderer. Suicune was its second murder.” It stopped talking for a second, as if thinking about those dark events. “Both her and Celebi –she was the one that was murdered- were Legends. All of us are Legends.”

“Legends?” the siblings thought. “What are Legends?”

“Legends” Mewtwo continued, answering their thoughts. “Legends are the most powerful pokemon in existence. All of us have specific rolls on Earth; Celebi was the Legend of Time, while Suicune was the Legend of Wind.”

“Now, if you don’t mind, we’ll continue our chat in another place.” It said, seeming a bit worried. The beasts had walked towards the group, hearing the last sentence. Entei was the one that replied.

“You can’t be serious about that! You can’t be even thinking about I’m thinking about”

“Hm... yes, I’m thinking about what you’re thinking about” Mewtwo said. “Don’t forget, I can read minds.”

“But... but that’s simply idiotic!” Raikou shockingly said. “They can’t help us! Let’s simply use...” He didn’t finish his sentence, since it was quickly and abruptly interrupted by Mewtwo.

“Have you forgotten that Celebi was the only one that could erase minds?” it slowly said, as if mocking with Raikou’s thinking capacities. “They won’t forget what they felt, what they heard, what they saw. Plus, since they saw the murderer, they can be of our assistance.”

It quickly turned to the siblings, its eyes glowing blue for a second. “We’ll decide what to do with them later...” Its eyes glowed again in a shade of blue, as if it had cancelled what it had done at the first glow, cleverly pointing to its “ear”.

“It disabled their hearing ability” Entei thought, Mewtwo nodding as an answer.

“Now, it’s time. If you don’t mind, please come with us.” It spoke, its eyes emitting a purple glow. Before the siblings could say or do anything, they were “sucked” into something they didn’t see. They were flying through...something, a show of multiple colors surrounding them. John, Sarah, Entei, Raikou, Mewtwo; they were all flying, heading towards a black hole at the end of the “portal”.

“Prepare to enter the Realm!” Mewtwo shouted, its eyes still glowing purple, enjoying the small trip. Turning to John and Sarah, it continued “Teleport is also quite funny, don’t you agree?”

Jerichi
1st January 2007, 5:20 PM
Pretty good chapter, I have to say. The story is pretty interesting. While its not a masterpiece, it is executed skillfully.

A few things...

Somewhere, the deaths of a cave was illuminated by a weak green light
Depths, maybe? Because I don't think caves can die.

BAM, huge explosion.
"Fragment (Consider Revising)"

Or even boyfriends?
O...o Fix that. "boyfriend and girlfriend." works better.

Falthor
1st January 2007, 11:48 PM
Patience is a virtue, John's Knight. Being that you are not getting reviews, it is not necessary for you to double- and triple-post to a.) Make this thread live, and b.) To attract readers. It shows immaturity and impatience, and those two things put together yield "annoyance".

As per requested, one review.

This is just an analysis of the first two chapters and the prologue. First of all, you have stated before that English is not your first language. Well, for one who does not understand my native tongue, this is pretty damn good for a Fan Fiction writer. I do notice, however, that you aren't one as well.

You do have tendencies to switch tenses from past to present, and vice versa, as well as misspelling some words, but as I said before, I do not pick on you like that, so I am leaving it like that. My advice to you is to study your English spellings a little bit and have someone be a beta reader. It will definitely help you.

Secondly, in terms of plot and structure, you really have something going on here. A nice little Fan Fiction is brewing here, and it's rather quite enjoyable, to tell you the truth. It is powerful, a bit dramatic, and very mysterious. You have tendencies to have cliffhanger endings, which keep me on the edge of my seat, and that is very, very good for a writer. Just do not overdo it, okay, because it may lead to some problems in keeping a plot together.

Next, in terms of characterization, it seems that you made the legendary Pokémon "Gods", per se, in this Fan Fiction. Curse you, that was my idea! But, instead of "Gods," I made them "Guardians". Hiss. I'm going to get you for this. XD But anyway, you are doing quite well, and if you were to refer them to gods, it would mean a little bit more if the personal pronouns (he, she, him, her, his, hers, etc.) were to be capitalized for that purpose. But that is entirely up to you.

As for the trainers, John Smith (John Everyman sort of thing, I'm guessing), seems to me, a bit of a Gary-Stu, a character who may not be something you want in a fic. He's the perfect character, with all the knowledge in the world, an expert battler, etc., and it is always frowned upon by Fan Fiction audiences, critics, and even your fellow writers. As for Sarah, that's more of a realistic battler. One who has decent knowledge, yet still cannot beat some of her opponents, even her family, and that is very good. Just make sure that John is not perfect, understand?

------ Continuation, Chapter 2

Okay, EonMaster One stated that you will eventually have 100 short, choppy chapters if you keep this up. Well, he does have a point, because in terms of plot, you are making cliffhangers one of your favorite ways to end a fic. I believe that it's great you want to make this suspenseful, but just be cautious. Cliffhangers aren't too good of an ending if overused...

Also, in terms of characterization, the Entei-Suicune relationship is pretty good...it's kind of awkward, being that I'm used to Entei and Suicune lacking genders, but hey, it works out for you, because they are gods, and they are of gender, so keep up that piece of work. But John is still the perfect character, but you managed to make him imperfect with his loss against the murderer. Kudos.

Overall, you are a very good newbie writer, and for English not being your primary language, it's a step up for you, because this is quite a piece of material. Things are looking up for you, my friend, and keep working on this Fan Fiction. It's very good and seems to be quite popular. Your grade is broken down as thusly:

Plot and Structure: Very good, but as I said, be careful with the cliffhangers and listen to what EonMaster One had to say about the chapter breakdown - 4.5/5.0

Characterization: Overall, not bad, but you need to keep in mind about John and his Gary-Stu borderline. Make sure he does not become one, or else your Fan Fiction will fall apart. 4.0/5.0

Being that this is the beginning, I'm judging you on these two so far, but over time, this will increase in length and in analysis. That is an 8.5/10.0, which is an 85, and that gives you a B+/B borderline. Keep up the great work, and I'll be back to read more, John's Knight!

Falthor

John's Knight
2nd January 2007, 3:53 PM
Depths, maybe? Because I don't think caves can die.

Correct. *already fixed*


"Fragment (Consider Revising)"

Can't really fix that, since I don't know how to fix that <<;


O...o Fix that. "boyfriend and girlfriend." works better.

Lovers is even better ;P

Thanks for the comments!

~~++~~


Next, in terms of characterization, it seems that you made the legendary Pokémon "Gods", per se, in this Fan Fiction. Curse you, that was my idea! But, instead of "Gods," I made them "Guardians". Hiss. I'm going to get you for this. XD But anyway, you are doing quite well, and if you were to refer them to gods, it would mean a little bit more if the personal pronouns (he, she, him, her, his, hers, etc.) were to be capitalized for that purpose. But that is entirely up to you.

Actually, I made them "Legends" =O Good idea about the capitalization of pronouns, though.


As for the trainers, John Smith (John Everyman sort of thing, I'm guessing), seems to me, a bit of a Gary-Stu, a character who may not be something you want in a fic. He's the perfect character, with all the knowledge in the world, an expert battler, etc., and it is always frowned upon by Fan Fiction audiences, critics, and even your fellow writers. As for Sarah, that's more of a realistic battler. One who has decent knowledge, yet still cannot beat some of her opponents, even her family, and that is very good. Just make sure that John is not perfect, understand?

In the 3rd Chapter, I made John stutter XD; I know that at the first chapter, John seemed to be Gary-stu. Still, I have some twists for him... I think (and I hope).


Okay, EonMaster One stated that you will eventually have 100 short, choppy chapters if you keep this up. Well, he does have a point, because in terms of plot, you are making cliffhangers one of your favorite ways to end a fic. I believe that it's great you want to make this suspenseful, but just be cautious. Cliffhangers aren't too good of an ending if overused...

Yep, I noticed that. I need be more careful =/


Also, in terms of characterization, the Entei-Suicune relationship is pretty good...it's kind of awkward, being that I'm used to Entei and Suicune lacking genders, but hey, it works out for you, because they are gods, and they are of gender, so keep up that piece of work. But John is still the perfect character, but you managed to make him imperfect with his loss against the murderer. Kudos.

Making John defeat the murderer would mean (in a way) the ending of the story. Plus, if the murderer managed to defeat two legendaries, and a guy with a pathetic Weavile defeated him OH NOES T3E CHAMPION !"!1!"
He's not that Gary-stu =P


Overall, you are a very good newbie writer, and for English not being your primary language, it's a step up for you, because this is quite a piece of material. Things are looking up for you, my friend, and keep working on this Fan Fiction. It's very good and seems to be quite popular. Your grade is broken down as thusly:

It is popular? oO; Anyway, thanks. Not having English as a primary language is a real problem to me, in terms of description and such. Word-to-word translations don't work here (obviously), and I don't have an extended vocabulary. I do my best though ^^;


Plot and Structure: Very good, but as I said, be careful with the cliffhangers and listen to what EonMaster One had to say about the chapter breakdown - 4.5/5.0

Characterization: Overall, not bad, but you need to keep in mind about John and his Gary-Stu borderline. Make sure he does not become one, or else your Fan Fiction will fall apart. 4.0/5.0

Being that this is the beginning, I'm judging you on these two so far, but over time, this will increase in length and in analysis. That is an 8.5/10.0, which is an 85, and that gives you a B+/B borderline. Keep up the great work, and I'll be back to read more, John's Knight!

Falthor

Thanks for the comments!

Ozma Regent
13th January 2007, 10:47 AM
How did I miss this chapter? =O

It was pretty good. The part I loved the most was the murderer's. I have the feeling the Legends are tricking it, or they have something planned. If so, congrats on making the murderer not so brilliantly intelligent XD

I found Mewtwo's behavior strange. With Entei and Raikou, (I'll consider mewtwo as a male) he's all "Shut up, or I'll slap you" (slap with much more violence intended), and then, with the trainers, his behavior completely changes. Almost like wanting to show his powers or something. But the hearing-disabling part surprised me, he's more careful than he seems.

Overall, good chapter. Continue writing!