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Allyson
8th July 2006, 6:04 PM
Asca:a pikachu with red on the tip her ears, and Asko's sister
Askoa pikachu with blue on the tip of his ears and (the same as Asca, onily her borther)

Chapter 1:The begining ;025;
At a old house, made out of a little hill - with an wooden door and crystal windows, two pikachus were sleeping on top.One of them had red on the tip of her ears, the other had blue. " Asko whent can we go, we have our liecinces?"Asca said waking up.
"Now!"he said starting to run to the gym
, "Hey!, come back."
Asca said runing to the gym also.
Then they were there, the gym had two red door's and was as tall as a Rayquaza.".............let's go in"
they both said togther, and they went in. "Hello?"
Asko said, then Asca shivered
" A ghost pokemon!" she said

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Pokemon of the weekend(of my postings):;250;
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my pokemon team: ;025; ;004; ;133; ;258; ;380; ;381;

Jonouchi
8th July 2006, 6:07 PM
Did you just give yourself 5 stars? Shame! You know better than that.


ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS!!! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19)

RULES!!! (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=96993)

Read them WELL!!!

Owneik
8th July 2006, 6:08 PM
What the hell? This is, like, nineteen times worse than your last fic, where you were told to check AfAA. And you didn't even improve on anything you were told.

Allyson
8th July 2006, 6:15 PM
?! I gave it 3? sorry.And whats the AfAA Thing

Jonouchi
8th July 2006, 6:15 PM
?! I gave it 3? sorry.

Even if, Shame on you!

nashie1
8th July 2006, 6:36 PM
this is getting annoying, your story gets locked because it doesn't follow the rules so you just make a new one that has absolutely no improvements. People review your work and yet you ignore it like you are the best author ever and are above everyone elses advice.

This fic reads like a little kids story but worse. at least they have decent grammar and spelling and make some sort of sense.
read it out to yourself. does it sound like something someone would really write?
you still keep using those Darn smileys which is against the rules. its not much this time but i can tell it will probably get worse.
I would give advice but i feel it will go unread. people criticise for a reason and the rules exist for a reason.

I think some one is just desperate for attention or wants to raise their post count. if you keep it up you will probably get banned. Try and read the advice for aspiring authors and the rules and try to rewrite the chapter. preferably without the smileys. I sincerely hope you take peoples advice this time.

Allyson
8th July 2006, 6:37 PM
i was go ing to give it 2 or 1 I'm shy sorry
____________________
Pikachu , is my favrete pokemon.

Seiryu
8th July 2006, 11:29 PM
Er, what does being shy have to do with anything? You were obviously confident enough in your work to post it up here.

Seriously though. What nashie1 says is true; if you don't improve, your threads will just keep on getting closed, like I imagine this one will be soon.

Seriously, the Rules and Advice for Aspiring Authors threads are at the top of the list of threads here; you can't miss 'em! Just in case you did, though, here they are: Advice (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19) and Rules (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=96993). Read them. Understand them. Love them. I know I do. =p

Frost Nova
9th July 2006, 8:55 AM
Besides reading the rules, reading other five star fics will help you get an idea of what your readers expect of you.

Here's a partial list of great fics you should look up:

Hoenn's Legacy by ≈*Virulent Tsunami*≈
The Quest for the Legends by Dragonfree
The Legendarian Chronicles by Chibi Pika
Pokemon Revelation: Cross of Fates by xXSaberXx

Seriously, that length won't even make up a preview, let alone a full chapter. You're asking for trouble if you keep doing that.

~Frost

nashie1
9th July 2006, 2:57 PM
"And whats the AfAA thing?" (sorry cant figure out how to use quotes)
My points exactly. I suggest you re write the chapter following those guidelines and look at some 5 star fics to see how stories should sort of flow... This may yet be saved. Finally, I suggest that if this is closed, that you don't post another fic until you have at least improved the length and form of your story. (it just doesn't cut it i'm afraid.)