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gamemasterdevil
10th July 2006, 7:42 AM
Prologue:

“Are we ready?”

“Yes, let us begin the experiment.”

Two scientists were in a lab. Vials were strewn about, papers on the floor and desk. A single pokemon was inside a case. An Espeon. It was male, and had been knocked out some time ago. A paper attacked to the large case. It read, “Pokerus Mew DNA test subject H.”

The first scientist, a man around his mid fifties, attached a tube to the Espeon’s neck via a needle. The scientists wore glasses with a brown rim coloring, and had brown eyes. His white lab coat was a mix of different colors from various liquids. “Hand me the DNA.”

The second scientist, a young woman around her early twenties, handed the first scientist a vial containing a bluish-purple liquid. Her lab coat also had many liquids on it, and her red hair was put into a ponytail.

“Hopefully this one will work,” the male scientist said as he inserted to the DNA of the legendary pokemon Mew into a small box connected to the tube, and pressed a button. The DNA was inserted into the Espeon.

A computer displayed what was happening. The DNA began mixing with Espeon’s DNA and the Pokerus DNA.

The Espeon, like all the other test subjects, had Pokerus. The two scientists were trying to create a pokemon that could possess the power of Mew, yet, grow stronger with the Pokerus. It would be a revolutionary tactic, which would make for more intense pokemon battles, and the capture of the legendary pokemon.

Scientists around the world could study the legendary pokemon at last!

All the other pokemon had failed. However, the Espeon was showing an adaptation to the Mew DNA. All the other pokemon had died. This Espeon was their last hope.

It was a matter of hours, then the DNA mutation was complete. It had succeeded.

“We have done it!” The male scientist exclaimed excitedly.

“Yes, we have,” the female scientist said in reply.

The male scientist looked at the Espeon’s statistics. “Hmm, yes, yes. It could possibly grow stronger than Mew itself. However, due to the mutation, it is very weak right now.”

“How could it survive in a pokemon battle if it is so weak?” The female scientists inquired, getting rid of her ponytail, and letting her long, red hair go down to her shoulders.

“I will let a trainer use it,” the male scientist said. “I’m sure a trainer can train it.”

“Are you sure?” The female scientist asked.

“I am positive,” The male scientist answered. “Send it to Professor Elm of New Bark Town.”

“Right aw-“ the female scientist and the male scientist looked around. A crash of glass had been heard.

Someone had broken in.

A Houndoom ran up to the two scientists, and roared at them, fire beginning to form in its mouth as a man in a black cloak walked up to them. His eyes were hidden by sunglass, and he wore a top hat too conceal the color of his hair. His shoes were a jet black.

“W-Who are you?!” The male scientist asked, fear etched in his voice.

“I am here for the Espeon,” the man said in a deep voice. “Hand it over, or I will take it by force.”

“We won’t let you!” The female scientist said out of boldness.

A menacing chuckle could be heard. “Very well then. Houndoom, Flamethrower.”

The Houndoom roared again as it breathed fire in a flamethrower like fashion, burning the two scientists before they had a chance to move, and knocking them to the ground after the man ordered it to perform Take Down, growling slightly from the pain inflicted upon itself.

“Kill them,” The man said as he broke the case containing the Espeon, and took it, using an odd, black-colored ball to store it in.

The Houndoom growled. The scientists’ screams echoed throughout the lab as the Houndoom bit both of them in the neck, hard, killing them after kicking at their necks.

The Houndoom then ran the way the man had headed, spitting out blood in its mouth.

Amphoroz_26
10th July 2006, 7:50 AM
very gory ending, but a very interesting plot.... so far i'd rate 7.8/10
YAYS first post!

Yami Ryu
10th July 2006, 7:52 AM
...

Some scentences could have definately used rewording, or atleast to something that didn't sound wtf and redundant.


The Houndoom growled. The scientists’ screams echoed throughout the lab as the Houndoom bit both of them in the neck, hard, killing them after kicking at their necks.


The Houndoom growled in responce to its masters orders, eyes hardening as it all but glared at the two humans before it. Then it lunged with such speed the scientists had no time to react. Swiftly it tore into one of the two's necks as it twisted with almost feline grace and slashed at the other scientist with its clawed paws while keeping the deathly bite upon the other.


The Houndoom then ran the way the man had headed, spitting out blood in its mouth.


The Houndoom spat blood from his mouth as he backed off of the dead humans. Once asured they were now cooling corpses, the devil like dog turned, bloody spittle still hanging from his killer jaws, and with a quick pace, he ran after his master.

Overall your story is meh-ish. Not bad, but not great either. There is potential, but it comes off as blah because there's not much effort in this. I suggest you skim over, or more perferably, read, the Advice for Aspiring Authors thread.

Neo Sphere
10th July 2006, 8:13 AM
I liked it....Too bad for them lab nerds lol

I wonder what will happen to Espeon

chrisivy
8th August 2006, 6:26 PM
very gory ending, but a very interesting plot.... so far i'd rate 7.8/10
YAYS first post!

You don't need to rate this. Just rate the thread with the stars...

OK, in the fic there was a few mistakes, ok. Just fix that up and move on. Try to fix the parts Yami Ryu explained about.