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View Full Version : DragonScape - The Chronicles of Lance



Flashfire
11th July 2006, 10:27 PM
Chapter 1, From Viridian Forest to Pallet, The Last Hope

Blistering winds bombarded Lance, as he forced his tired legs toward the Pokemon Center. He had just recently visited the forest for some alone time. The soothing sounds of nature calmed him, but the one thing that did not was Dragon Pokemon. That is exactly what drove him from the forest to the Pallet Town Pokemon Center!

Dragons were cruel and destructive, from Lance's point of view. He wanted no part in their lives. What he had just witnessed in Viridian Forest pushed him toward this way of thinking.

The smoke, the flames, all those innocent Pokemon...

Lance shut his eyes as he reached the center, fighting back tears. Visions of the past flashed quickly in his mind, causing him to sink to the ground, his back against the wall and his arms wrapped around his knees. How could that Pokemon have done this? Reluctantly, Lance recalled the events of a few minutes ago...

A booming roar forced Lance to cover his ears. He felt his silky smooth red hair rise up, as his heart pounded. What creature had lungs that could produce such a sound?

He got his answer almost immediately, as he looked up to see the burning trunks of what had once been a cluster of Oak Trees, and many forest Pokemon running wildly, searching for a safe location. In the sky beyond this scene of chaos, he spotted the largest Dragonite he'd ever seen! Its massive teeth glistened as sunlight reflected off of them. Powerful jaws flexed, and finally the gigantic Dragonite's mouth was left wide open.

Lance squinted slightly once he noticed a low whirring noise. In the Pokemon's mouth, he could barely make out a small orb of orange energy, fusing together with yellow energy, surrounded by sparks. He raised his hands, signaling the attention of everyone around him. More pitter-pattering, and much low growling as the Nidoran, Butterfree, Pikachu, and many other Pokemon ran for their lives. Why wouldn't they listen?

"STOP!" Lance shouted, and each and every creature in earshot froze. In an exasperated tone Lance said, "...Thank you." He ran a slender hand over his forehead to wipe away the beads of sweat. " All of you get clear of Dragonite over here," he ordered, pointing off into the distance where masses of fallen trees and injured Pokemon lay. He had partially regained his composure once he analyzed the situation.

Everybody obeyed, scurrying over to the area they were instructed to flee to, and hiding beneath trees that overlapped each other, forming a sort of charred wooden shelter.

Then it happened. Dragonite let loose the powerful beam that stored energy within its mouth. The impact was unbeleiveable! Giant chunks of earthy mass were ripped from the ground, leaving holes where they had once been, and crashed to the ground, missing all but one Pokemon. A lone Charmander that was just passing through the forest was caught in the crossfire as several Beedrill and Pikachu protected their young as best they could, not moving to safety just yet. As it tried to escape the situation, the destruction of the Hyper Beam attack knocked it off balance, and a boulder-sized peice of land bounced off of it, glancing off the side of it's face and ribs as it stood to flee the forest. Charmander's stomach was slightly dull in color, the usual creamy yellow hue almost nonexistent. The poor creature's face showed fear and uncertainty, clearly because it had done nothing to be hurt this way. Lance caught a glimpse of Charmander's eyes, and saw that they were a very dark blue, a sign of fright in the Charmander species.

Once again, Charmander crumbled in a heap onto the ground, dazed and injured. The boy quickly yelled, "Get clear! Get clear!" The small Pokemon didn't budge. Lance noticed this, and lifted his Pokeball...

The traumatized boy snapped back to reality, now realizing a young girl was staring into his face, and behind her stood another girl, who was forcing a smile onto her face, so she wouldn't seem rude. This second girl, he noticed when examining her bag labeled "My pokeballs and supplies", was an already experienced trainer.

"Hi, I'm Lorelei," she began, "What's your name?"

He shook his head to fully return from his Roller Coaster of memories. "Oh! Sorry, I'm Lance," he replied politely, and felt a warm smile forming on his lips as he looked into the other girl's face. She looked so innocent, and seeing that brought him out of his miserable chain of thoughts. He, just for that one moment, allowed himself to forget what he'd seen back in Viridian Forest, and focus on the present.

"Lance. That's a nice name," she said. Then she stood from the kneeling position she'd been in, stepping back to be beside the other girl. "This is my traveling partner Agatha. She's 24 and I'm only 10, so she agreed to help me out."

Lance struggled to stand, finally realizing there was a deep cut in his leg. It must be from when that Charmancer scratched me, he concluded in his mind. When he could see Agatha up close, he realized this female was no girl, but an adult.

"I'm 11 years old," he announced to Lorelei. Agatha nodded along with Lorelei, and when he fell back into the same spot he'd sat in seconds ago, they both helped him to his feet again.

"And you have no Pokemon?" Agatha asked him, an inquisitive expression forming on her face. Lance pondered how he should respond to this sudden inquiry.

"I uh, um...you could say that. I'm a certified trainer, but I left my Bulbasaur with my little brother because he loved it so much."

"So, you haven't got any others?" How nosy could she get?

"I...acquired a second Pokemon, but-"

"But what?" Lorelei cut in. "Is it powerful?"

"Not really from what I've seen. I just got the thing, so I'm not too sure, but I'm guessing it hasn't got much brawn for its age. Listen you two, I ran into it just a few minutes ago in Viridian Forest."

A loud calling of his name caused Lance to jerk his head to the side, searching for who had spoken. He saw Professor Oak panting as he approached him, in his usual white lab coat.

"Lance! Lance wait," he said pleadingly, just after Lance had released Charmander. The small lizard smiled at the familiar sight of Professor Oak. His Hitmonchan was right behind him. Finally, he stopped in front of Lance, Hitmonchan crashing somewhere far off, and hurrying back to its master.
;107;
"Hitmonchan and I have been searching everywhere, when he saw you with his foresight attack. My Arcanine led us on, since it was tracking Charmander's scent."

Lance held up his Pokeball to Professor Oak. "Lance, I thought you told me you didn't want a Pokemon," Professor Oak said inquisitively, scratching his head and not yet faded thick hair in confusion.

"I didn't, but there was this King Kong size Dragonite over in Viridian Forest that I saved it from, and I was taking it here to heal it."

"Puh-lease," Agatha spat defiantly. "There's no way you saw-"

"That?" Lorelei asked, jabbing a finger in the air, where a gargantuan yellowish-orange Pokemon was flying down from, right at them.
Oak gritted his teeth and warned, "Get back, all of you." To show why he'd asked this of them, he released his Snorlax in a flash of red light when the three younger Trainers moved.

The Green Giant stood boldly, awaiting a command as the Pokemon that was casting this wide shadow over it drew nearer. Lance felt his knees buclke, as he held Charmander to his chest protectively. Looking to his right, he saw Lorelei clasping a tuft of her silky sandy-brown hair, teeth chattering. The two absentmindedly proceeded to hold hands as they looked at what the two both beleived would be their last sight while alive. Agatha stood alone with her mouth wide open in disbeleif as her Gengar cowered behind her.

Oak yelled out, "Hyper Beam to the limit, now!"

The familiar swirl and fusion of energy occured within Snorlax's mouth, building past the norm, and soon exceeding the capacity of its mouth, bursting from within, toward the Dragonite.

Surprised to be fought yet prepared for the attack, Dragonite flapped its wings and spread them wide. The large, sea green veins were visible as it launched itself at the blast of power. The oncoming size-amplified Headbutt was feet away from clashing with Hyper Beam, and Professor Oak may have been Pallet's only hope.

Yami Ryu
12th July 2006, 1:07 AM
... :/ you know you had the possibility for an intriguing story with the Pikachu thing. If you tried. What is it, if you can't win people over by one fic you completely give up? That's not what being a write is about. Sheesh.

This chapter feels rushed. Two/three things happened in it that easily could have either been delved into more, or flushed out. Same thing but anyways, what I mean is because since you rush you squish crap together. Making a story come off as tacky. And the characters and plot and etc well, not much better.

And I'm wondering why a dragonite so huge and etc, would be after a puny little charmander. Or Lance. Or anything. And why, if Lance now obiously hates dragons- why does he still have Charmander when it is dragon like. Why doesn't he just throw it at the mercy of this giant dragon?

How did Charmander survive a hyperbeam anyways?

Also random hitmonchan smilies are frowned upon >>

Flashfire
12th July 2006, 7:32 AM
Oh my god, I have to calm down. ...Okay! I DID NOT give up on the other fic, I just had to get this idea posted before the flare for writing it was gone.


... :/ you know you had the possibility for an intriguing story with the Pikachu thing. If you tried. What is it, if you can't win people over by one fic you completely give up? That's not what being a write is about. Sheesh.


And I'm wondering why a dragonite so huge and etc, would be after a puny little charmander. Or Lance. Or anything. And why, if Lance now obiously hates dragons- why does he still have Charmander when it is dragon like. Why doesn't he just throw it at the mercy of this giant dragon?


You obviously SKIMMED through the fic or something but you didn't REALLY READ it. There's a difference between seeing the words and READING the words, to make sense of them. It was not AFTER Charmander, if you read the fic you'd know that. Lance may GREATLY DISLIKE but not hate, dragon Pokemon, but he isn't heartless enough to throw the Charmander at Dragonite. That's just terrible.

Read the next chapters and some of your annoying never-ending questions will be answered, OK?


How did Charmander survive a hyperbeam anyways?

Also random hitmonchan smilies are frowned upon >>


Charmander wasn't attacked directly but hit by the objects sent flying by the hyper beam attack. And come on already! You just can't leave a fic be. I went through your posts. I only read 3 of the 500 pages. Not one NICE comment. The smallest thing like a smilie even sets you off? Get real, it's just a smilie!

Yami Ryu
12th July 2006, 7:50 AM
;328; ;194; ;212; ;292; ;328; ;165; ;026; ;136; oh it's just a smile :x but why is it in the chapter anyways? :/ anyways you skimmed over my post too.

With how you had it anyways- it seemed like the Charmander was struck by the hyper beam. It feels like Lance hates Dragon types. I mean extreme dislike is just about borderline hate, or is he just flip floppy about what he hates- and just 'dislikes' things that kill him?

There's a difference between hating a species/type, and hating a monsterous killer.

;165; ;355; ;munchlax; ;347; ;078; ;136; ;107; omg more smilies. Hey this is fun :x


but he isn't heartless enough to throw the Charmander at Dragonite. That's just terrible.

Yes but there is a thing called sense of self preservation and it gets the better of us sooner or later, even if just once. I mean yes saints are wonderfull and all that with being selfless, but everyday people? And an eleven year old to boot? I'm figuring most eleven year olds would be running away for all their worth, wether they left behind a pokemon or not.


You just can't leave a fic be. I went through your posts. I only read 3 of the 500 pages. Not one NICE comment.

So? I have a right to be a pessimistic little *** chewer if I want to be, or if I feel the author isn't really trying :/ it's called the Freedom of Speech and just because I don't post in some fics doesn't mean I don't review them. On some fics I'm just a closet reader :/ or they already know how I feel about their fics. So you can't say I haven't commented nicely on a fic. I might not have reviewed it yet :/ or I just told the person over IRC or pm how the chapter was.

Pfft. If I posted in all the stories I liked, and read, for every chapter I would probably have a post count of 2000 or something :/

Literate
12th July 2006, 8:26 AM
._. I dunno what's even happening. And I read it very deeply. And I really, really read it.

Structure's fine. Grammar's fine. Description is almost non-existance, but shuffle that side for now. What the matter is that we're dealing with is the flow.

Flow, flow, flow. What does that mean? *feigns thinking* Well, it means how well it was written when you read it. Big difference with structure. I mean you could have absolutely perfect description, structure, grammar, and spelling...but makes absolutely no sense with the flow.

I mean, I got mixed up when you said he was a boy and when you suddenly shift from the memory to reality. Try to italizie the memory, so we can easily tell it apart.

I also got confussed when the Dragonite came near them, because, obviously, it was huge, and you never really described it good. And I thought they were inside the Center. So yeah, clear up everything.

And remember, what you see is what we can't see. So you'll have to tell us how it looked like and what happens and if the characters did anything.

~Literate

Flashfire
12th July 2006, 7:58 PM
I think I need to clarify this. Charmander was knocked off balance when the attack hit the ground, but was not hit head on by Hyper Beam, ok?

Yami Ryu
12th July 2006, 8:09 PM
I think I need to clarify this. Charmander was knocked off balance when the attack hit the ground, but was not hit head on by Hyper Beam, ok?

... don't tell the readers that after the fact. Do authors tell people- and I mean authors of novels here- do they tell people much needed information of crap going on after the chapter is over? No. They put it into the story. :/

Flashfire
13th July 2006, 9:38 PM
Chapter 1, Part 2, A Sudden Change of Thought



DRAGONITE:

I was fighting against the waters of the ocean, and finally managed to get close, but how could this happen to me now? The man had told me he wanted to meet me and be my friend, so why was he hurting me? Then I saw them-two humans were hitting my stomach with missles. I turned to leave before I was seriously hurt, yet the man called me back. The two young men and the girl on either side of him were watching me in awe. Observing the familiar light house, I let out an involuntary groan.


"Pokemon wait!" He begged of me, yet I shook my head. I could not stay here. I had to leave now, and maybe I would return later, after that mean man and woman were gone! I turned away, and slowly waded through the waters until the haze swallowed me. I felt the tingle as the mist surrounded me.

My vision fogged up, so I decided to travel high, and spread my dark green wings wide. I pushed off, flying upward at a steady speed, and after several hundred feet I spotted a large, spacious field that could take my size. I landed roughly, accidentally face-planting when I swooped down, and forced myself to my feet.


In front of me was a lively forest, inhabited with much smaller creatures than myself. Just as a smile formed on my lips, a painful jolt caused my head to snap back, and I accidentally fired a streak of flame down at the forest. The occupants of this cramped forest area began to scatter this way and that, and now beleived I was the enemy. I'm guessing about eight, poison barbs struck my arm, which I had used as a shield. I shook these off, and whipped around to see two more humans. One, a male, wore a thick green mop of hair, and the lady a blonde lion's-mane length hairstyle.


I heard the man yell "Butch!", and noticed he was loading a shockwave gun with lightning bullets. I roared, and stomped once, knocking them to the ground. I felt a tiny bit of electricity bounce off of my tail, and I turned to the forest to see a group of small Pikachu attacking dillegently. This double bombardment was very unfair, but I had to find a way to save myself without hurting anyone else.


I learned almost instantly that I should've put more power into that, when the woman made a last effort to defeat me by tossing bombs at me. These exploded on my back, near my spinal cord, causing me to inadvertantly unleash Hyper Beam onto the forest. Then the duo had dissappeared completely.


I noticed there was a small Pokemon cowering in front of the Pikachu group and Beedrill. It had been caught in the middle of all this. My multi-colored ray caused the ground to crumble into chunks, which flew every which way. One of these pieces of land slammed into the side of the Pokemon I now could tell was a Charmander. It skidded back, and a boy I now noticed was present captured the poor thing and fled the forest, after saying something that made all the forest pokemon hide. My peace sign, me reaching out with a hand to the boy, must've been seen as an attack, and I drew my hand back as he yelled and ran off. Feeling horrible for what my strength had done, I floated up into the clouds.


Hang on, was that boy the couple's son? I must apologize to him! I thought to myself, and sped off in the direction I'd seen him go. He had vanished just beyond a cluster of Oak trees in the distance, so he couldn't be too far...

LANCE:

The thin whisker-like eyebrows of the Dragonite sprang up, in a stiff position, as it took the attack head on. The orange and yellow blast ran right off its head, as it resisted being pushed back. The energy dissapated, but instead of continuing to rush at Snorlax, the Pokemon turned and flew away. Oak scratched his head in confusion, returning Snorlax as he did so. Lorelei and Agatha approached him, and he turned to hear what they had to say.


"You saved us Professor," said Lorelei. Agatha nodded in agreement.


"No-I didn't-"


"Don't be so modest. It was your Snorlax that made that Dragonite fly off defeated!" Agatha gave him a playful shove.


"Ladies listen, my Snorlax was not what made the Pokemon leave. It chose to!"


Lance stepped forward. "He's right," Lance said.


Adamant, but putting it off for now, Agatha said, "Well then fine Professor, if you don't want to take responsibility for being our savior..."


Ignoring this comment, Oak quickly pulled Lance aside. He cleary had private business to discuss. "Lance listen..." He began unsurely.


"Yes sir?" Lance replied, waiting to hear more.


"I've been thinking and...would you like to keep Charmander? After all, you did save it."


"No-Professor you know I don't care for dragon Pokemon. I was kindhearted enough to save this Charmander, but my immediate plan was to release it into the wild after I healed it. Hey wait, this is your beginner Pokemon?"


"I know, I know...and yes this Pokemon is mine. It's just that it hates me, and seems to adore you very much. Plus, you got it away from that Dragonite."


"But Professor, it only likes me because Pokeballs make Pokemon like you. This one was won over prettly easily. I know some aren't as easy to befriend, but before I caught it the darn thing scratched me!"


"All Pokemon are wary of trainers at first. ...Ah well. I'll take this back then. You have a choice of whether or not you want to be with this Charmander." Oak frowned, and grasped Charmander's Pokeball, returning it, and turned to walk back toward the lab with Hitmonchan. Just then, a low whoosh rang through everyone's ears. This low sound progressed, turning into a loud breeze, which hurt everybody's ears, and swept Lorelei, Oak, and Lance, off their feet as gusts of wind crashed into them.


Dragonite was nearby yet again, but this time it was in front of Lance. Lance stood, hiding a yell, and instead a strange sound that could've been a gasp came out of his mouth. Dragonite lowered its head to him, and spoke!


"Hello young one," a deep yet melodic voice was produced. "I am truly sorry for what I did."


"...Is it me, or did you just talk?" Lance asked, stepping back. "Am I going crazy?"


"No, it really is my voice you are hearing."


Lance nodded slowly, still frightened. "I know Dragonite's are smarter than humans, but they can talk?"


"Telepathically yes, but I have learned human speech while watching the world around me. I think I attacked your parents back in the forest."


"They weren't at the forest. They're shopping right now. I just called them before I went into Viridian Forest. My cell phone can't get a signal there."


"I see, young sir. Is this your family too?" Dragonite nodded at Oak, Agatha, and Lorelei.


"No, no! They are...acquaintances of mine. Are you the only peaceful Dragon around, by the way?"


"Certainly not. There are many, but lately my brother has taken a liking to destroying villages. I hate to do it, but I have to battle him sometimes to protect the people of Earth. His anger has died down lately, however."


"Oh. Good to know. Well, why'd you attack the forest?"


Dragonite sighed, and began narrating his account of what had happened nearly twenty minutes ago. He explained about the "Butch" man, and everything else he had been through recently.


Lance let that all sink in, and said, "I...I'm sorry Dragonite."


"Call me by my name, it is Vulcan. What are you sorry for? You have done nothing."


"I was almost to the point of hating your kind, until I met you. You've given me some insight into the world and minds of dragons. I promise to be nicer to all dragons and closely related Pokemon."


Oak, by now, was watching the whole situation beside Agatha and Lorelei, both of whom were listening to Vulcan, mouths agape. A Dragonite could speak!


Vulcan nodded, thanking Lance, and whipped around to fly off. Lance tapped him on the tail lightly.


"Wait," he pleaded.


"What is it?" asked Vulcan.


"I want to know...are there other large Pokemon like you?"


"Oh not too many, just several hundreds. We were all born from the Pokemon Mew's powers, but this is something you have to research yourself. I have to get home to my wife now."


"SEVERAL HUNDREDS come across as a few to you? Mew? You have a WIFE?"


"Yes, of course, and yes again. My wife was born from a pair of Dragonite that were experimented on to be made super-strong. This caused a shorter life span for them, and they died seven years earlier than normal. I must go now. I will come find you and maybe tell you more later. Goodbye...was it Lance?"


"Yes. How'd you know?"


"Mind reading," Vulcan replied, and flew up into the sky once more.

The four humans all plonked down in chairs at the Pokemon Center, once Charmander was revived. They had much to ask of each other, and Oak had to take down notes for data on the mysterious Dragonite.


They conversed well into the night, so they ended up staying in hotel rooms at the center. This new feature for travelers aroused more customers and better business. At about 8:00, they all met in the lobby. Professor Oak parted ways with them, at 30 still spry enough to run to the lab. Before he did though, Lance confronted him.


"Professor?"


"Yes Lance?"


"I agree to keep Charmander, it'll be first step towards keeping the promise I made to Vulcan. Are you okay with that?"


"Oh, of course." He handed the Pokeball to Lance. He had ingraved the ball with a flaming streak while in his temporary room at the Pokemon Center. "Keep in touch!" He dashed away from them, his lab coat slightly dirty from his fall back when Vulcan returned.


Left alone, Agatha, Lance, and Lorelei struck up conversation. Vulcan was not such a big topic anymore.


"You really kept Charmander? You're over your dislike for dragons?" Lorelei asked hopefully.


"I have him right here." Charmander, who had been clingling to Lance's leg, revealed himself. "I wouldn't say I'm over my feelings because of what happened to those Pokemon, but I'm getting there."


"Oh, he's cute," complimented Lorelei, petting Charmander and smiling. Then she asked a question Lance wouldn't have expected.


"Will you travel with Agatha and I for a while?" It was so sudden, he nearly lost his balance.


"Wh-what?" He coughed in surprise before saying this.


"You heard right."


"Oh, well...why not?" he agreed. Lorelei giggled, obviously pleased that he would come along.


"So what is your favorite type of Pokemon? Mine's ghost, and also poison types are cool," Agatha said, and a Venonat walked over in front of her. So did an Ivysaur. "These are two of my three Pokemon. You've seen Gengar already, but I traded with a friend for him."


Lance observed and listened to all this, and replied. "I have no favorites."


"WHAT?" Lorelei and Agatha exclaimed. They went pale.

"You mean absolutely NO type favorite?" Lorelei asked, to clarify what she had heard. He nodded at her. "I didn't know there was anyone who thought that." She moved her brown hair out of her eyes, and unzipped her red purse to pull out a Pokeball. Ivysaur began sniffing her, then curiously walked up to Charmander. As they talked, Lorelei showed Lance her Squirtle. Her yellow blouse and skirt looked good on her as she talked, Lance could tell she really knew how to dress well.


"I like ice and water type Pokemon," she stated, as Squirtle, Ivysaur, and Charmander cracked jokes with each other. Lance grinned.


"That's cool. So, you ready to go?"


"Go where?" Agatha asked, tilting her head to one side.


"To help the Pokemon in Viridian Forest before we pass through to Viridian of course!" Lance's spirits brightened when they nodded. Next, the three trainers walked down the dirt road, a path that would lead them on toward Viridian.

Tezza
14th July 2006, 5:00 AM
Dragonscape

G’day, g’day! Lets have a look.

Uh, ooh. My first thought is, Ouch. I suggest sticking to the forums choice in fonts, or at least removing the bold format. It will go easier on the reader’s eyes, and thus encourage more reviews.

You’re description is good, detailed and emotive! I like those blistering winds. I do follow Ryu’s logic. How can you not hate something you find cruel and destructive? I’m also wondering where this wall suddenly came from if he’s struggling towards the PokeCentre.

I think the problem is that while the imagery is great, we’re losing the tangible reality.

So we’re back into the forest, although your description of Dragonite doesn’t fit with my vision of dragonite, with its bulbous orange nose and sleepy eyes. Powerful jaws? Charizard maybe but not dragonite.

Why wouldn’t they listen? I can think of any number of reasons why they wouldn’t listen but are these Lance’s thoughts? If so it wouldn’t have to make sense.

I get the feeling you use your thesaurus a bit because some of your choice in words are out of context, for example, Exasperated. Frustrated, maybe, but exasperated is a word you’d use for a teacher trying to get her class to be quiet.

Again I wonder in all the furore why Pokemon would listen to a puny human. It feels very *struggles for words* Disney? Suddenly there’s a Dragonite in Viridian forest, destroying things at random. Similarly, Lance is there, partially explained but some ground could make it more realistic, what does he do in the forest? Also there are all these Pokemon running around in confusion. Surely they can escape by themselves without a humans help, but they feel the urge to listen, to go hide where there are ‘lots of injured pokemon’ hmm, doesn’t sound too safe to me although I realise that imagery is unintentional. Similarly, there is a Charmander ‘suddenly’ in the forest. A girl also appears from no where with another at her shoulder, all unnoticed. Who’d know it, Agatha and Lorelei, and Professor Oak shortly after.

Its not that I don’t think Professor Oak would occasionally leave Pallet Town, but he kind of just ‘turns up’

It all feels to be a case of “Suddenly” with barely using the word.

I would also take time to reread your work. Writing in the spur of the moment is fine so you don’t forget it, but everything should take the time to be refined before you post it somewhere. I can see quite a few I before E misspellings.

I imagine the idea grabbed you, but limited its potential to be something amazingly interestingly, but as I said, a case of Suddenly.

Take your time to build up a scene or an image, you’ve clearly got a gift for the gab, you just have to focus it! Take your time and plot out things slowly. Recounting what happened while safe in the Pokecentre limits a lot of the exhilaration. Maybe rewrite from within the forest, Lance wandering in thought, thinking of his Bulbasaur, taking in the morning light when suddenly there’s a blast. He climbs a tree and sees strange orange snakes waggling over the tree tops. Suddenly a boom rocks the trees and clears a huge swathe of the forest revealing two heart felt eyes narrowed maliciously. Another crash and he topples from the tree, catching a branch just in time on the way down to save himself and then drops to the forest floor, racing towards that giant dragonite. At that point he could wonder why there’s a huge dragonite and why its attacking the forest for no reason.

That’s just an example, pulling out a small part into something big, backing up and reasoning. If you added that to your talent for prose this would be a brilliant read, instead of “Suddenly!”

Good luck in your ventures! I look forward to seeing how you use our advice in your second chapter.

Flashfire
14th July 2006, 10:35 PM
Dragonscape

G’day, g’day! Lets have a look.

Uh, ooh. My first thought is, Ouch. I suggest sticking to the forums choice in fonts, or at least removing the bold format. It will go easier on the reader’s eyes, and thus encourage more reviews.

You’re description is good, detailed and emotive! I like those blistering winds. I do follow Ryu’s logic. How can you not hate something you find cruel and destructive? I’m also wondering where this wall suddenly came from if he’s struggling towards the PokeCentre.


It isn't bolded, it's just so big its kinda thick for the normal font size. I will keep the regular font, fine. I thought about it, but I guess I'd do better keeping the regular font.
As for the wall it's...
The wall outside of the building. Why is it so hard to tell that through writing? God, I need a beta reader!



I think the problem is that while the imagery is great, we’re losing the tangible reality.

So we’re back into the forest, although your description of Dragonite doesn’t fit with my vision of dragonite, with its bulbous orange nose and sleepy eyes. Powerful jaws? Charizard maybe but not dragonite.

Why wouldn’t they listen? I can think of any number of reasons why they wouldn’t listen but are these Lance’s thoughts? If so it wouldn’t have to make sense.

I get the feeling you use your thesaurus a bit because some of your choice in words are out of context, for example, Exasperated. Frustrated, maybe, but exasperated is a word you’d use for a teacher trying to get her class to be quiet.


Beleive it or not, I don't use a thesaurus. The reason Dragonite seemed so menacing is because of Lance's (and admittedly, my imagery of the story as an episode if it were one) outlook on how scary Dragons are.

Yes, this is Lance's brain's doing. DARN YOU! Anyways, no hard feelings right Lance? So...ahem! I am appreciative of your reveiw style and calmness in the midst of the crappyness, lol.



Again I wonder in all the furore why Pokemon would listen to a puny human. It feels very *struggles for words* Disney? Suddenly there’s a Dragonite in Viridian forest, destroying things at random. Similarly, Lance is there, partially explained but some ground could make it more realistic, what does he do in the forest? Also there are all these Pokemon running around in confusion. Surely they can escape by themselves without a humans help, but they feel the urge to listen, to go hide where there are ‘lots of injured pokemon’ hmm, doesn’t sound too safe to me although I realise that imagery is unintentional. Similarly, there is a Charmander ‘suddenly’ in the forest. A girl also appears from no where with another at her shoulder, all unnoticed. Who’d know it, Agatha and Lorelei, and Professor Oak shortly after.


The first sentence, mmh hmm...that is why I had Lance yell to at least partially grab the attention of the forest Pokemon. I know how ya feel though...-_-. I'm glad you understand the "injured Pokemon" part.

Lorelei and Agatha were trying to talk to Lance. He was lost in thought, I hope that you notice that. *_* We all know those feelings, moving on then. Professor Oak's arrival and Lance's frustration will soon be explained.

I felt that the kindness toward dragons so fast was very rushed. Anyone agree? Will someone volunteer to beta read, I really need it? (Hinty hint hint)



Its not that I don’t think Professor Oak would occasionally leave Pallet Town, but he kind of just ‘turns up’

It all feels to be a case of “Suddenly” with barely using the word.

I would also take time to reread your work. Writing in the spur of the moment is fine so you don’t forget it, but everything should take the time to be refined before you post it somewhere. I can see quite a few I before E misspellings.

I imagine the idea grabbed you, but limited its potential to be something amazingly interestingly, but as I said, a case of Suddenly.


The first sentence, yeah, I'm with ya there. DANG IT! THOSE I BEFORE E MISPELLINGS are so hard to get by for me! (Another betaing hint)

I also am going to write the "Charmander fleeing" scene just for the sake of it. Beware the small dragon!



Take your time to build up a scene or an image, you’ve clearly got a gift for the gab, you just have to focus it! Take your time and plot out things slowly. Recounting what happened while safe in the Pokecentre limits a lot of the exhilaration. Maybe rewrite from within the forest, Lance wandering in thought, thinking of his Bulbasaur, taking in the morning light when suddenly there’s a blast. He climbs a tree and sees strange orange snakes waggling over the tree tops. Suddenly a boom rocks the trees and clears a huge swathe of the forest revealing two heart felt eyes narrowed maliciously. Another crash and he topples from the tree, catching a branch just in time on the way down to save himself and then drops to the forest floor, racing towards that giant dragonite. At that point he could wonder why there’s a huge dragonite and why its attacking the forest for no reason.


Oh man...U_U ! You write my fic better than I do, and that ain't good!



That’s just an example, pulling out a small part into something big, backing up and reasoning. If you added that to your talent for prose this would be a brilliant read, instead of “Suddenly!”

Good luck in your ventures! I look forward to seeing how you use our advice in your second chapter.


Okay, I will take this ALL into account when writing with (HINT HINT HINT HINTY HINT HINT!) no beta reader. ANYONE reading this PM me to volunteer or tell me who or where I should go to in order to get a good beta-er. Did I say that right? So anyway, buh bye and thankies much!

P.S. Yami Ryu, if I'm not mistaken extra EXTRA EXTRA smilies are against the rules. I used merely one Hitmonchan.