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swift arrow
12th July 2006, 3:41 AM
Okay, I've written a fic, I'm very nervous, i guess here's the prologue-thing. My main goal is to get better, so help and advice is very welcome. Umm, geez i'm so nervous but i put in alot of effort, so enjoy!

The Grass Rule;
A Bulbasaur walked down a forest pathway looking around and the trees, which were swaying gently in the wind, the grass and bushes, rustled a little as well. The Bulbasaur appreciated the peaceful nature of the area and smiled. Another breeze passed by rustling the forest some more but along with that came a figure that leaped out in front of Bulbasaur, a fierce looking Cacturne. Cacturne glared down at Bulbasaur squinting its eyes, making Bulbasaur step back a little. It backed off even more and turned around trying to run away, cacturne took a quick notice and leapt into the air. Cacturne landed from its jump right in front of the fleeing Bulbasaur, but the scared pokémon swiftly turned around trying frantically to escape. Cacturne jumped again and landed in front of Bulbasaur once more. Bulbasaur realized it had no hope of escaping and closed its eyes in fear. Cacturne put one arm out forwards and released a series of quick moving pins and needles from it. With Bulbasaur’s eyes closed, it made no reaction to the impending attack. However it did turn its head the other way shaking in a deep scare.

************************

Somewhere else in the forest was a step pyramid. The gray rocks were breaking apart and covered in vines, however it looked beautiful and blanketed in a gorgeous canopy. On top of the pyramid stood a Cacturne, and a taller one that was wearing a flower-made crown. The smaller one was standing in a way so that it looked down the pyramid where thousands of grass pokémon were pending at its foot raising its arms and then directing the attention of the pokémon to the other Cacturne. The crowned Cacturne walked up to a similar position and the grass pokémon began to roar in delight.

*************************

A girl and a boy were walking along a small mountain that overlooked the forest. The girl had green hair and a ponytail with a sensible Garden themed ensemble. The boy had blonde hair, adoring blue eyes and a black shirt and jeans. They arrived at a point were the view was mesmerizing.

“It’s so beautiful and romantic isn’t it Trent?” The girl said turning towards her fellow traveler who was gazing at the view.

“It is, but you don’t have to say that just to impress me Steph,” Trent replied without even looking at her.

Steph giggled “Okay then Trent let’s just enjoy the view!” Steph then turned back to the view and once again felt touched by its beauty.

The Bulbasaur walked up the rocky area panting. It had multiple bruises and scrapes over its body. To say the least, it wasn’t so cute anymore. Bulbasaur looked down at its feet as it trotted near pathetically. It threw its head up trying to look for some help. It rocked from side to side from weakness but noticed next to nothing but it was determined to keep pushing through until it found something. At the top of its eye it noticed Steph and Trent walking in the other direction. With hopes of getting help from them, the terribly injured pokémon ran up towards them letting out a weak cry.

Thankfully the two travelers heard the pleading of the pokémon and turned around gasping. Bulbasaur was running to them frantically, as it collapsed were the two had once been.

Steph put her hands over her mouth “O my goodness!” She yelled.

“No kidding!” Trent exclaimed. The two dashed to the pokémon and knelt at its side “What happened?” Trent said with a growing look of worry on his face. Trent turned Bulbasaur on its belly and tried to look around to see what happened. “Were does it hurt?” Trent called to the pokémon.

Steph observed Bulbasaur’s bruises “Well duh Trent it’s everywhere,” She growled but only out of worry.

Trent picked up the pokémon and took it into its arms “Steph check the map and look for the closest pokémon center if there is one,” he commanded.

Steph dropped her bags and quickly attended to them, opening every zip she could find. She threw her hands in the pockets and ploughed through them madly. She threw out everything in her way with her eyes moving around crazily trying to pinpoint a map. Steph found the map and quickly grabbed it pulling it out as if it weighed 400 pounds. Steph quickly stood up and tried to unfold the map without tearing it. She was doing it was so quickly you would have been shocked if it didn’t rip.

“Okay, okay, okay!” Steph called panting. Her eyes swiftly scanned all over the map.

Trent was jogging on the spot in anticipation “Come on, come on It could be really badly hurt!” He yelled also out of worry.

Steph’s panting began to slow down, she placed the map on the ground “The closest one’s two days travel away,” she said looking disappointed.

Trent sighed and looked disappointed “Is it worth back tracking?” he said looking at the Bulbasaur.

The two gulped and stared into each other’s eyes looking for an answer. Normally that would work fro them but there was no such luck this time. They’d have to think for themselves, which proved hard. “It’ll get better in time, we can just look after it while he walk through the forest,” Steph suggested.

Trent brushed his hand through his hair looking like he had just caused a car accident “I guess that’s all we’ve got.” He admitted. This kind of thinking was hard stuff. The two hoped they would never again have to do something like this. Without any more conversation Steph packed her stuff, placing her bag on her back once more. The travelers made sad sighs and began to walk down the mountain once more.

But for some reason there were walking very slowly, their great view had been somewhat painted black and looked depressing. Trent looked down on Bulbasaur once again and tightened his grip. They arrived at a rocky slope that spiraled down to the grassy surface. Trent stepped onto the area with Steph following.

“Lets just try to cheer up, look after the Bulbasaur and enjoy the rest of our trip,” Steph said. Trent nodded his head slightly but still didn’t look too satisfied.

*************************

It was now evening in the forest, and yes the sunlight looked stunning and all that. On a similar to Bulbasaur’s brush with the Cacturne was a Vileplume walking cheerfully along. Out of the bushes leaped out a Cacturne but this one had the flower crown on. Vileplume stood on the spot, closed its eyes and bowed to it. Cacturne leapt into the air and its arms began to glow, it then slammed one forcefully into the oblivious Vileplume. Vileplume was taken by surprise and thrown far away and it looked at the sneaky Cacturne in disgust. Vileplume turned to head the other way trying to avoid danger but while it headed off, Cacturne’s arms glowed once again and it slammed into Vileplume again from behind.


*************************


Steph and Trent were heading along the deep forest now as well and looked a little happier. Steph took a second to take a quick breath, resting her hand on a tree. Not wanting to drag behind Steph was about to speed up when she noticed a small green glow in the bushes. She looked around curiously and opened the bushes to take a peak at what it is. When she noticed it she stood back and gasped.

Trent was annoyed that he couldn’t hear Steph’s footsteps and thought she was slowing down there was then a flash behind him, which quickly subsided. “Steph look we’ll find a good camping spot later. Remember, we’re still going to have a good day,” he shouted turning around. But to his shock, when he turned around he couldn’t see Steph anywhere “This is NOT the time to play games!!!!” Trent yelled.

Once you get in you can’t get out, Once you get in you can’t get out, Once you get in you can’t get out!

There it is, is it good? Am i too nervous? I just hope you all liked it.

Yami Ryu
12th July 2006, 3:43 AM
... you know maybe if your chapter or whatever wasn't in such a bright text- and against my normal skin it HURTS MY EYES- I would be able to read it. ... you know this is why I think there was a rule about: No colored text for stories.

Raicune
12th July 2006, 4:38 AM
A bit hard to follow.. but YAY! GRASS!

Tezza
14th July 2006, 5:04 AM
Grass Rules

G’day Swift Arrow, let’s have a look.



I’m glad you’ve changed the colour before I got to it, marvellous now lets see how I can help.

My first piece of advice is divide your paragraphs more. Remember, a paragraph is a single topic. For example


A Bulbasaur walked down a forest pathway looking around and the trees, which were swaying gently in the wind, the grass and bushes, rustled a little as well. The Bulbasaur appreciated the peaceful nature of the area and smiled. Another breeze passed by rustling the forest some more but along with that came a figure that leaped out in front of Bulbasaur, a fierce looking Cacturne. Cacturne glared down at Bulbasaur squinting its eyes, making Bulbasaur step back a little. It backed off even more and turned around trying to run away, cacturne took a quick notice and leapt into the air. Cacturne landed from its jump right in front of the fleeing Bulbasaur, but the scared pokémon swiftly turned around trying frantically to escape. Cacturne jumped again and landed in front of Bulbasaur once more. Bulbasaur realized it had no hope of escaping and closed its eyes in fear. Cacturne put one arm out forwards and released a series of quick moving pins and needles from it. With Bulbasaur’s eyes closed, it made no reaction to the impending attack. However it did turn its head the other way shaking in a deep scare.


Could be:


A Bulbasaur walked down a forest pathway looking around and the trees, which were swaying gently in the wind, the grass and bushes, rustled a little as well.

The Bulbasaur appreciated the peaceful nature of the area and smiled. Another breeze passed by rustling the forest some more but along with that came a figure that leaped out in front of Bulbasaur, a fierce looking Cacturne.

Cacturne glared down at Bulbasaur squinting its eyes, making Bulbasaur step back a little. It backed off even more and turned around trying to run away, cacturne took a quick notice and leapt into the air. Cacturne landed from its jump right in front of the fleeing Bulbasaur, but the scared pokémon swiftly turned around trying frantically to escape. Cacturne jumped again and landed in front of Bulbasaur once more. Bulbasaur realized it had no hope of escaping and closed its eyes in fear.

Cacturne put one arm out forwards and released a series of quick moving pins and needles from it. With Bulbasaur’s eyes closed, it made no reaction to the impending attack. However it did turn its head the other way shaking in a deep scare.


It makes it easier on the eyes, however not easier on the flow.

Before you post something, try rereading aloud. Did you reread that little piece up there before you posted? Try it now and you’ll feel an itchy feeling, something broken.

“A Bulbasaur walked down a forest pathway looking around and the trees which were swaying gently in the wind, the grass and bushes rustled a little as well.”

Feel it? Ouch? Part of it comes from a Bulbasaur walking down a path and trees swaying a mutually exclusive. They have nothing really to do with each other unless Bulbasaur takes notice of them, which it would do in another sentence. Another part of it comes from ‘the grass and bushes’ suddenly being inserted. When in doubt, say it aloud!

Now look at the next part and you’ll notice more uncomfortableness as you read. This comes from word repetition. See how many times you used the word ‘rustle’? Don’t hesitate to use a thesaurus. There’s one in Microsoft Word but I suggest picking up an old one at a bookstore because it has more choice. They’re a writer’s best friend and the more you use it the less you need it.

Similar repetition comes with the appearance of the cacturne where he jumps and jumps. What we need something is exciting and emotive, leapt, hurtled, pounced! Same meaning, more excitement!

Again reread and say it aloud. More things will come to mind, for example do you make a reaction? No you have a reaction or you reacted. A reaction, sharp and sudden and spontaneous!

Don’t be afraid of pronouns! Give Cacturne a gender to make it easier to refer to, Bulbasaur too! It gives them a personality! See:


Cacturne glared down at her narrowing his eyes, making Bulbasaur edge away. She backed off even further, spinning around trying to run away. The cactus Pokemon leered, leaping into the air and coming down inches in front of Bulbasaur’s face. She narrowly avoided the sharp spines glistening sinisterly as she skidded and twisted painfully, fleeing in another direction. He darted in front of her again, swiping casually with his needled paw. It would teach her to trespass in his territory. She was just too slow, and not strong enough to defend herself.

She closed her eyes and gave in.

Don’t worry too much if you can’t get that exact feeling, it comes with experience but you can really give yourself a boost if you do a lot of reading yourself. Read lots of fanfictions and published works and your vocabulary soars, and reviewing people gains friends who are more likely to review you! See, win win situation!

I love the description of the step pyramid! I can see the crumbling mortar and the forest reclaiming it inside my head, but two things. First is paragraphing again, one topic per paragraph. See how one good image intense description of the step pyramid would be one paragraph, building up the scene and the atmosphere. Then in the next paragraph describe the Cacturne lording over the grass Pokemon.

By the way, a flower made crown is sometimes called a wreath or a garland. Love the picture! All those grass Pokemon, a secret grass kingdom!

Great, I can see you have a better grasp of paragraphing in the next section but I can see some capitalization errors. Those silly mistakes we make out of familiarity with our writing but those little things will trip up the reader, like sensible Garden themed ensemble and isn’t it Trent?” The girl said

Remember, capitals are for names and the start of sentences only!

I like their introduction and the subtle introduction into their dialogue, weaselling their names in s naturally.

Again I see repetition, such as Steph’s name all clumped together in the third paragraph. Pronouns, will make the run smoother, and the similar for the word ‘view’. What will a thesaurus give us? Scene, vista, outlook, landscape and panorama. Any one of those would be good but I particuarlly like the sound of ‘panorama’ because it gives a sprawling feeling.

Remember what I said about emotive alternatives to words? Do you walk if you’re hurt? You limp, or stagger, or lurch. Such things build up the picture much better than ‘walk’. Otherwise you portray its weakness well, although I still suggest giving it a gender.

A short note, “O” isn’t a word, but “Oh” is. Plus I don’t think “yell” is the kind of reaction because it has angry overtones. ‘Cried’ perhaps, ‘gasped’? Don’t be afraid to go back and replace, always looking for a better alternative!

Don’t be down, I do like how you follow up your dialogue, especially the “she growled but only out of worry.”

I think we’re getting some dialogue punctuation mixed up. Here’s how it should be done, take note of the punctuation and capitalization *wink*




Steph put her hands over her mouth. “Oh my goodness!” she cried.

“No kidding!” Trent exclaimed. The two dashed to the pokémon and knelt at its side “What happened? Wear does it hurt?”

Worry grew on his face as he turned Bulbasaur on its belly and tried to look around to see what happened.

Steph observed Bulbasaur’s bruises. “Well duh Trent it’s everywhere,” she growled but only out of worry.

He picked up the pokémon and took it into his arms. “Steph check the map and look for the closest pokémon center if there is one,” he commanded.



See the second sentence? You kind of crammed too many ‘he said’ s into it when only one. It’s called economic description and as you grow you’ll realised using the fewest words to the greatest effect come with experience.

I love that image, frantically throwing open zips. I can see you have a great imagination, you can picture things like a movie in your head which is a talent not often found in new writers. All you need is to do is build up the vocabulary!

Oooh, ow, jogging on the spot? Jostling an injured Pokemon? I reckon that would be a big mess up for the inexperienced that could be trouble later!

All in all, an interesting and original play on ideas and you have the potential to go a long way! I was so impressed I did this up for you, but bugger, forgot the S!
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v329/Topazwings/Grassrule.jpg
Good luck!

chrisivy
3rd August 2006, 1:18 AM
Forget what others say about you... and your fic.
Go on and do what you think is right.

Draconis
4th August 2006, 3:18 AM
Forget what others say about you... and your fic.
Go on and do what you think is right.

This coming from someone who's had the majority of their fic threads locked for ignoring the rules, and advice for aspiring authors thread.

@Swift Arrow: Your fic seems to have potential, and doesn't seem to break any rules, so that's a good sign. You also seem to be accepting of advice, which is also good. As for me, I can't offer much in the way of advice, seeing as I haven't wrote a fic in years, but I did notice a few grammar errors, but Tezza already covered that.

I warn you, some reviewers may be harsh(I am most of the time), but that's their way of helping. Just keep working hard, and follow any good advice you recieve, and you have the potential to write a truly amazing piece of fanfiction.