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Night Avenger
12th July 2006, 4:02 AM
OK, lots of people hate this but it's an adventure fic... Yep, like Ash, going through the three regions (and the Orange Islands) and if Diamond and Pearl are released before I finish, the protagonist will go to that region. It's like the GBA games, First FR/LF, then G/S/C just the Johto part and after that Emerald... So enjoy! (If you like this kind of fics :D)


Prologue

What trainer hasn't even dreamt about becoming a Pokémon master? Completing the Pokédex and winning badges. Evolving Pokémon, training them or just befriending them. This is the story of one of those trainers, with nothing too much special but his ability to train pokémon. This trainer's name was Jack. Jack was born in Pallet Town, one cold September 8 night. He was fourteen years old, had brown hair and eyes and was somehow short for his age, he liked to make people laugh but was really serious when battling, shy as a Whismur, he only really liked talking with his friends.

"Vol! Torb! Vol! Torb!" said the alarm clock.

"Oh, shut up..." said Jack, drowsy.

"And Scyther hits Arbok with a slash, what a hit! It has surely made some critical damage!" was heard on television. Jack suddenly woke up and looked at the clock. 8:00 AM. The television was passing a Kanto League match. Jack turned the TV off and got dressed. "Gotta run!" he thought getting out of his house as fast as a Raikou. When he reached the Lab, professor Oak was just opening the gates.

"Well, are you on time!" he said yawning.

"Can I get my pokémon now?" asked Jack impatient as an Aipom.

"You're pretty enthusiastic about this, aren't you?" asked Proffesor Oak. "Well, of course you can!"

"Thanks!" said Jack running into the Lab. He reached the table with the pokéballs as the proffesor was just entering the lab. "I choose you Squirtle!" he said throwing a pokéball. The Pokéball released a little, orange lizard with a long tail, the tip of which was enveloped in fire, the lizard opened its tiny eyes, looked around and yawned. When he noticed he was not alone he ran to the boy that was behind him. "Char!" it said grabbing Jack's leg and hiding behind it.

"That's Charmander." said prof. Oak. "Here's Squirtle!" he said showing a pokéball with a little waterdrop sticker to Jack, who hadn't even noticed the labels.

"Well... I think I'll keep Charmander!" said Jack looking at the funny lizard that tried desperately to hide, he had remembered how powerful was the Charizard he saw the last night, it almost killed that Lapras and Gyarados without even sweating.

"Are you sure?" asked Oak.

"Yep, I'm sure." answered Jack, looking at the funny lizard who was looking at Squirtle's pokéball. "He is pretty shy!"

"Of course, he's got a careful nature. Well, go on, start your adventure!" said Oak. "I wish you the best of the luck!"

"Thanks!" said Jack running outside the building to see his mom and dad waiting there for him.

"I'm so proud of you!" said his mom, crying.

"Make your best effort son." said his dad handing him a bag over and trying to resist from the bitter feeling he had on his throat. "Here are your things and some money!"

"Thanks! I love you!" said Jack, trying not to cry, just as his dad. "I'l miss you!" he said running to the first route.

"Good bye honey!" answered his mom. "Call us, we'll see all your matches at the league! Take care!" but Jack was already far from her, and he wasn't coming back for a long, long time.

Yami Ryu
12th July 2006, 4:08 AM
...

First: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=96993 Rules

Secondly: http://www.serebiiforums.com/showthread.php?t=19 Advice

Don't really care if you don't read the rules but atleast read the damn advice thread.

Even for a prologue this is short, rushed and unoriginal. People don't mind OT fics. Aslong as they're good. Original. And aren't tacky as hell or badly cliche. Which from the looks of it, if you don't act soon, your fic will turn out. Also watch out for your description and the depth of your characters as it's a tad short in both areas :/

scry
12th July 2006, 4:42 AM
You need to take your time. First think up an original premise and, if you read and re-read the threads Yami Ryu posted, people will be more likely to like your OT.

Basically, this went way too fast and there was hardly any discription. The only reason I can picture anything at all is from playing the pokemon games. You need to ellaborate; set a scene. At most, this would be lucky to be two full paragraphs in a well written fic.

Remember, read the prescribed threads and take your time--this isn't a race.

Night Avenger
12th July 2006, 11:17 PM
OK, I've changed it :D I changed the descriptions.

Night Avenger
17th July 2006, 12:16 AM
Chapter 1
The Forest

Jack ran to the first route, crying now that nobody could see him, as his Charmander followed him, running as fast as he could with his short legs, he was being left back as Jack couldn't stop running; Jack kept running half the route without stopping, he reached a tree and stopped there, he stopped crying for a while, wanting to imagine all the adventures he was gonna have, the friends he was gonna meet and all the emotion of being a pokémon trainer.

“Char!” he said wanting to call his trainer's attention. The little monster could hardly walk by now, he was exhausted and his trainer was ignoring him completely.

“What?” asked Jack, turning around as he wiped the tears from his face, he noticed that in his running he had left Charmander prety far away. “Oh, I'm sorry buddy!” he said as he walked to where his Charmander was. "I just wanted to leave Pallet Town behind but, well I left you too!" he laughed.

“Char!” exclaimed Charmander, making his trainer know that he didn't think that was funny, he had just hatched from the egg and he already wanted him to run a whole route, how inconsiderate, and selfish was his trainer.

“Now, let’s get going!” said Jack, getting ready to run again, this time slower, of course.

“Char!” exclaimed Charmander crossing his arms and stomping the ground.

“What? What’s going on?” asked Jack.

“Char! Char char!” said the lizard, pointing his mouth. He was hungry, pretty hungry, his stomach growled like a Mightyena.

“I guess you want food!” said Jack opening his green backpack. “Let’s see… Water, soda, M&Ms… Here! Pokéfood!” he said taking a yellow box with a little Pikachu drawing on front, "Poké Food! Good for the day, good for the stomach!" could be read on front.

“Char!” exclaimed the orange lizard happily. He jumped and grabbed the box, smelling for a minute he bit the box and ate all its content. "Maander..." he said lying on the ground, completely full.

“No, wait! It was supposed to last for a month!” shouted Jack. “Oh well… I guess we’d better get going!” he sighed, noticing that the little fire salamander was happy again.

“Charmander!” said Charmander happily, rubbing his tummy. “CHAR!” he exclaimed feeling a sharp pain in his tail, he quickly started to run as he shaked his tail.

“Now what?!” asked Jack. He turned around to see a little purple rat biting Charmander’s tail.

“Rata! Rattata!” exclaimed the little pokémon, biting harder to keep hanging, as Charmander waved his tail. Finally, he let go and was thrown to a bush.

“Charmander, let’s do this!” said Jack as his partner got to his side, as fast as he could.

“Char!” said Charmander as the fire on his tail got more vivid, he was ready for his first battle.

“Rat! Aata!” said the rat pokémon, angrily, jumping towards Charmander, trying to bite him viciously.

“Charmander, dodge him and then scratch him!” said Jack. Charmander rolled to his left and got up, he growled at ´his opponent as he ran and scratched him with his sharp claws. “Now, hit him with your tail!”

“Char!” said Charmander as he jumped and fell hitting Rattata on the head with his tail, he got up and put a foot on Rattata. "Chaar!" he said howling.

“We won!” shouted Jack. “Now, a pokéball…” he said looking in his bag.

“Rata!” exclaimed Rattata as he hit Charmander's foot with his tail and quickly ran into the tall grass desperately, that had already happend to his brothers: a human being comes, looks for a "pokéball" takes a little red and white sphere and strangely enough, they get caught by the sphere which was a like four times smaller than them.

“Aww it got away!” said Jack, who had just found the pokéballs. “Anyways, Rattata aren’t so rare!” he remembered.

“Hey, you!” said a cut off voice.

“Who me?” asked Jack, getting tired of this latenesses that kept bothering him, as he saw a young man with a scientist robe running towards him, the man somehow seemed familiar.

“Are you Jack?” asked the scientist, breathing hardly, as he looked to the fourteen year old kid in front of him.

“Yes, I am. Why?” asked Jack confused, trying to remember where he had seen this man lately.

“Remember me? I’m one of prof. Oak’s aides. You forgot your pokédex!”

“Pokédex?” asked Jack surprised as he saw how the scientist gave him a red little machine.

“Yeah, it’s a virtual encyclopedia of Pokémon!” explained the scientist as he recovered his normal breathing rhythm.

“And how does it work?” asked Jack as another Rattata stepped in front of him.

“It…” said the aide as he was interrupted by an electronic music.

“Rattata: The Mouse Pokémon. Bites anything when it attacks. Small and very quick, it is a common sight in many places.” Said the pokédex with a computerized voice.

“Basically does that…” finished the aide, looking at the pokédex.

“Oh, well, thanks!” said Jack, getting the pokédex in his bag. “Charmander, ready to go?” he asked to his partner who was looking at the Rattata.

“Cha cha!” said Charmander jumping, returning from his day dreaming.

“OK, let’s go to Viridian city!” shouted Jack as he ran all the way to the Pokécenter that could be seen in the horizon.

He got to the pokécenter and entered with Charmander.

“Welcome!” said a woman with pink hair and a nurse dress. “I’m Nurse Joy, may I help you?” she smiled nicely.

“Umm, yes a Rattata bit my Charmander, could you please heal him?” asked Jack looking at Charmander's tail.

“Char!” said Charmander showing his tail to nurse Joy, putting a sad face, it was bleeding a little.

“Ok, a potion will do.” said Nurse Joy taking a purple container from her pocket and spraying its content on the wound. She smiled as the wound quickly got healed. She looked up to Jack. "That's it!"

“Thanks! May I ask you a question?” asked Jack.

“Of course, what is it?” she answered, looking how the kids eyes looked red as if he had cried.

“Where’s the first gym?” questioned the trainer, looking to the floor, embarassed.

“Oh, it’s in Pewter City, crossing the Viridian Forest, which is north from here!” she said, smiling as ever.

“OK, thanks! Charmander, let’s go!” said Jack getting out of the Pokécenter, followed by his little friend.

At the Viridian Forest…

“Wow, this place looks big!” exclaimed Jack amazed as he entered the forest, followed by his pokémon who looked in all directions, thinking that any big pokémon could get out of the trees. “I hope we don’t get lost!”

“Char char!” yelled Charmander scared as he heard a branch cracking.

“Look a Caterpie!” said Jack pointing to a green, tiny worm pokémon.

“Char!” said Charmander breathing some fire, looking to the little caterpillar pokémon, eager for a battle.

“Cat?! Piii!” said the Caterpie running into the forest, scared as hell, a Fire type was the last thing he needed.

“Wait, I need you!” said Jack running behind it desperately. He kept running for a long time until he tripped with a long root. “Nooo! Caterpie!” he said as the little worm kept running away.

When he got up he saw the Caterpie entering a cave as fast as it could, which wasn't too much. “I’ll get you…” he thought with a grin, running inside the cave. Inside the cave it was dark, pitch black dark.

“Hello? Is anybody here? Caterpie?” he asked as he heard a hard breathing behind him.

“Char!!” said Charmander entering the cave, running as fast as he could, he looked scared. The flame at the end of its tail illuminated the whole cave. An enormous purple beast was sleeping there, it had powerful looking arms and tail and had spikes all over its body, as well as a long horn on its head

“Nido!! Kiiiing!” said the Nidoking angrily, standing up, as Charmander’s screaming woke him up.

“Let’s run!” screamed Jack, terrified for seeing such brutal pokemon.

“Char!” said Charmander shaking his head.

“Let's go partner! It's not a time for your conceitednesses, this monster is going to kill us!!” said Jack grabbing him and running outside the cave. Terrified, he saw why Charmander didn’t want to get out. A complete colony of yellow, wasp-like pokémon with stings instead of hands was there, waiting for Charmander.

“Char…” said Charmander pointing to a burnt Weedle, a little embarassed.

“Why? You… Burn them!” yelled Jack, desperately, as Nidoking roared and got out of the cave. Charmander spitted a ball of fire and all the Beedrills dodged it, making way for them. “Ruuuun!!!!” shouted Jack running desperately through the forest with Charmander on his arms. He could hear the buzzing of the Beedrills all around and Nidoking destroying the trees in a rampage.

When they got out of the forest they quickly got to the Pokécenter, it was already dusk.

“Excuse me! Nurse Joy?!” said Jack surprised to see the same person he had just met.

“Sorry, do I know you?” asked Nurse Joy, a little bit confused, but she knew what was going on.

“Yeah, I’m the kid from Viridian! Don’t you remember me?”

“Oh! Now I understand… You see in our family we’re all women and we’re all name Joy and coincidently, we all got to be nurses!” explained Joy, smiling.

“Oooh!” said Jack, understanding. “But didn’t your parents think that naming you all Joy would confuse everybody?” asked Jack.

“No, they didn’t, we all have a second and even third names! I’m Joy Mary Lilith. But just call us Joy!” said the nurse, laughing. “Anyways, why are you here so late?”

“Can I spend the night here?” asked Jack remembering that the Pokécenters had rooms for traveling trainers and his Charmander was already falling asleep.

“Of course! Let me show you your room!” said Joy taking him down a hallway to a free room. “Here we are, sleep tight!” she said nicely.

“Thanks!” whispered Jack, jumping to the soft and comfy bed. He was exhausted and in no time he was fast asleep, with Charmander by his side. They both were dreaming of all the adventures they were going to have together.

__________________________________________________ ________

Notes:
Don't post: "Nidokings don't live at Viridian Forest!" or something like that, reason:
At the left of Viridian city, there's a grass patch where wild Nidorans live, some of them have to evolve! And when they do, the place is too little for them so they look for a bigger habitat, which in this case is deep in the forest. :D

Yami Ryu
17th July 2006, 12:21 AM
...

*grabs Night Avenger*

*grabs the Advice for Aspiring Authors Thread*

*Staples said thread to Night Avengers head*

To be blunt and to the point. Your fic still sucks. Why? You did nothing to improve it. You just, god, every damn time it's the same. Description, plot, character depth, story depth, emotional depth of everything and just.

I WANT TO BEAT YOU WITH A BAT. Go read that damn thread.

Zephyr Flare
17th July 2006, 12:40 AM
Improve by next chapter or it goes. The fact you needed to explain anythign separately tells a lot and it is poorly written. We have basic languagge skills, a psychic and a 2D bunch of people running around.

Sandra

Night Avenger
17th July 2006, 3:39 AM
OK, I've editted it... Is it okay now?
And I know, my fic is mostly dialogues... :(

Yami Ryu
17th July 2006, 5:28 AM
Improvement? Where? What improvement? Where is it? Is it under a rock? Up a tree? Where? I don't see it. Could it be because you did nothing? Or that you did such a minimal improvement you thought it to be enough? Is actual effort too taxing for you?

You think I'm harsh and all that? Bah, you haven't seen my last few teachers.

They eat slackers like you for lunch. I saw one tear into a cheater. And boy. Did that cheater crrriiieee... never cheated again though :x


Jack ran to the first route as his Charmander followed him.

“Char!” he said as he was being left back.

“What?” asked Jack. “Oh! OK, I’ll wait for you!”

“Char!” said Charmander exhausted.

... I don't see any editing...


Jack ran through his home town, completely ignoring passers by on his swift trek to get to the route that would lead him to the first city from Pallet town: Viridian City. As he ran though, he was unaware, or he didn't care enough to notice that his starter pokemon, Charmander, was lagging farther and farther behind untill he finally stopped at the begining of the route. He still hadn't noticed the lagging Charmander and was about to continue blithely forward when all of a sudden-

"Char! Charmander!" Shouted a weary voice of a ragged fire type.

"What?" Jack mumbled, confused untill he turned around and saw that his pokemon was puttering after him from a ways back. Frowning from worry, and instead of just standing there like an uncaring dork, he hurried forward, "I'm sorry Charmander," he tried to sound sincere in his apology to the little fire lizard as he approached it.

"Char." Mumbled the exhausted Charmander as it flopped into a seated position on the ground, waiting for its trainer to come and pick it up, deciding all would be forgiven if its trainer would carry it for the moment, or return it to the pokeball so it would be able to rest in peace

... and that, is how I know you did **** in your editing. :/

Astinus
17th July 2006, 7:31 AM
OK, lots of people hate this but it's an adventure fic... Yep, like Ash, going through the three regions (and the Orange Islands) and if Diamond and Pearl are released before I finish, the protagonist will go to that region. It's like the GBA games, First FR/LF, then G/S/C just the Johto part and after that Emerald... So enjoy! (If you like this kind of fics)

So…not only is this like the show, this is also a retelling of the video games… I hope that there is some difference between those medias, and this fic of yours.


Prologue
What trainer hasn't even dreamt about becoming a Pokémon master? Completing the Pokédex and winning badges. Evolving Pokémon, training them or just befriending them. This is the story of one of those trainers, with nothing too much special but his ability to train pokémon. This trainer's name was Jack. Jack was born in Pallet Town, one cold September 8 night. He was fourteen years old, had brown hair and eyes and was somehow short for his age, he liked to make people laugh but was really serious when battling, shy as a Whismur he only really liked talking with his friends.

Not only does your grammar need help, but so does your ability to describe characters. It’s not a good idea to tell every aspect of a character’s personality when they are first introduced. The way Jack acts during a battle or towards other people shouldn’t be in there. You just kind of reveal it.

One problem with your grammar is the fact that you have a lot of sentence fragments. A sentence includes a noun(object) and a verb(action.) This could be as simple as "Jack ran." You have the noun "Jack" and the verb "run". Any mass of words that is missing one of these two things is gibberish. (Unless one is talking about exclamations. "Oh!")


"Vol! Torb! Vol! Torb!" said the alarm clock.

"Oh, shut up..." said Jack, drowsy.

"And Scyther hits Arbok with a slash, what a hit! It has surely made some critical damage!" was heard on TV. Jack suddenly woke up and looked at the clock. 8:00 AM. The TV was passing a Kanto League match. Jack turned the TV off and got dressed. "Gotta run!" he thought getting out of his house as fast as a Raikou. When he reached the Lab, Professor Oak was just opening the gates.

Have you ever slept with the television on? (In literature, it is nice to see "TV" written out as "television." ) The light from the screen is rather tight, never mind the fact that the sound could keep one up.

And the television thing was also done in the show. Same with the Voltorb alarm clock.


"Well, are you on time!" he said yawning.

"Can I get my pokémon now?" asked Jack impatient as an Aipom.

"You're pretty enthusiastic about this, aren't you?" asked Professor Oak. "Well, of course you can!"

Fixed your spelling errors.


"Thanks!" said Jack running into the Lab. "I choose you Squirtle!" he said throwing a pokéball. The Pokéball released a little, orange lizard with a long tail, the tip of which was enveloped in fire, the lizard opened its tiny eyes, looked around and yawned. When he noticed he was not alone he ran to the boy that was behind him. "Char!" it said grabbing Jack's leg and hiding behind it.

"That's Charmander." said prof. Oak. "Here's Squirtle!" he said showing another pokéball to Jack.

"Well... I think I'll keep Charmander!" said Jack looking at the funny lizard that tried desperately to hide.

"Are you sure?" asked Oak.

"Yep, I'm sure." answered Jack. "He is pretty shy!"

"Of course, he's got a careful nature. Well, go on, start your adventure!" said Oak. "I wish you the best of the luck!"

Why does Bulbasaur always get the shaft? Is the poor thing that awful? ;;

You know, I’m sure that Prof. Oak would have labeled the Pokéballs so that the trainers would know which one held what. It’s also rather difficult to believe that Charmander would take well to Jack so quickly. Charmander are temperamental, as was stated in the canon forms of game and anime.

And a nice explanation of what it was that made Jack change his choice from Squirtle to Charmander would be nice.


"Thanks!" said Jack running outside the building to see his mom and dad waiting there for him.

"I'm so proud of you!" said his mom.

"Make your best effort son." said his dad handing him a bag over. "Here are your things and some money!"

"Thanks! I love you!" said Jack running to the Route 1, followed by his Charmander.

Ya know, Jack might be excited about leaving, but that was just rude what he did to his parents. He’s like emotionless…

~

Your fic needs more description to it, of the setting and the characters. Read over what Yami Ryu did with your four paragraphs in her last review. That’s description. It works rather well in writing a fic, for in the sense of setting, allows the reader to see the world as you see it; for characters, it makes them real.

Double-check your spelling and grammar. Using Microsoft Word or another processing program with a spell-check will catch your errors. It also allows you, or your beta reader - I do suggest to get one if you are not sure on the rules of grammar - to check over your story. And, it allows you to come back to your chapter if you save it. Why is this good? For the reasons that I stated above, and gives you more of a chance for you to work on it and make it the best you can.

I didn’t fix all of your grammar mistakes for you. I did spelling, because that was easier. (<<) Redoing your grammar would seem like rewriting your entire fic.

A good thing to do is to read over the thread that Yami Ryu stapled to your forehead. It goes into depth more on what I stated here, and does it in a more organized manner. Other things to look at would be other fics. Not just the five-star one to see what works, but the one-star ones to see what doesn’t.

If you have any questions, ask me through PM. I’m not on that much, but I will respond to you as soon as I can.

Night Avenger
18th July 2006, 12:26 AM
OK, I've editted it :D is it okay already? I'm doing my best, you know, English is not my native language... :(

And, Yami Ryu, I don't care if you had harsh teachers, it's none of my business and... If you hated them so much why do you follow them?!

Also Hanako Tabris, I knew the Ash and TV thing but I didn't remember the voltorb clock one :D

Yami Ryu
18th July 2006, 2:17 AM
You think I'm harsh and all that? Bah, you haven't seen my last few teachers.

They eat slackers like you for lunch. I saw one tear into a cheater. And boy. Did that cheater crrriiieee... never cheated again though :x

That. You missed reading that. And why shouldn't I follow in their footsteps. It is fun eating slackers for lunch :x Anyways you still fail in the emotional depth department for your characters. And reality too- he ran through half a route. Crying all the way- and he wasn't out of breath or exuasted? And the Charmander continued to follow him? And nothing attacked. Well I doubt anything would with how scary a running, blundering upset boy would be...

Edit: Also, I didn't hate them :x where does it say I hate them? I actually can sympathise with them more and more lately...

And it feels overall, all you did was improve on the first few scentences/paragraphs of the chapter and left the rest to rot.

And Hanako had advice that I don't think you got- or atleast read so let me quote it for you.


A good thing to do is to read over the thread that Yami Ryu stapled to your forehead. It goes into depth more on what I stated here, and does it in a more organized manner. Other things to look at would be other fics. Not just the five-star one to see what works, but the one-star ones to see what doesn’t.

Anyways the characters still feel flat, both human and pokemon wise. Pokemon description is ... so-so to eh :/ and meh. You're being like Deadlyrose was. Improving SMALL AREAS, DIRECTLY POINTED OUT TO YOU. And not trying to improve the thing on the larger, fuller scale.

I.E The whole chapter.

:/

Astinus
18th July 2006, 8:08 AM
The Voltorb clock was seen in the scene where Ash was proclaiming that he was going to be a Pokémon Master. He was pretending that it was a Pokéball. When his mum opened the door, he threw it, and a Pidgey came out. Please don't think that you can disprove me on something from the first episode. <<

If English is not your native language, then why don't you get a beta reader? They can point out all your mistakes and fix them.

But still, you should still have added a bit of...reality to your fic, as Yami Ryu said.


“CHAR!” he exclaimed feeling a sharp pain in his tail.

“Now what?!” asked Jack. He turned around to see a little purple rat biting Charmander’s tail.

How dense is the Charmander? Even my extremely submissive puppy snaps if I grab her tail. I don't think that a Charmander would just sit idily by if being bitten. That is what we mean by realism. What would happen in real life.

Don't just fix what we point out to you. Fix the whole ferking chapter using the examples that we show you. That might help.

Let me reiterate: Zephyr Flare already came in, telling you to improve your fic. If she doesn't like it, she can close it. :o