PDA

View Full Version : Surreal Slayer



BenJS
15th July 2006, 11:07 AM
Okay, when I last posted this over a year ago I got absolutely zero replies here, yet about half a dozen elsewhere. I'm not bitter or anything, it's just that I'm starting a new fic (the first only work to be done since this was first released) and I thought I should get some feedback on my style. However I do hope to rewrite this in the future, perhaps even write a short story of the events leading up to and occuring after what happens in the fic, though again that wouldn't be for a long while.

Even though a year has passed without my haven't written anything that's made it to more than a few pages of rubbish, I do believe I have improved simply by reading - more activily taking note of what does and doesn't work, not to mention taking twelth-grade English Communications in the meantime.

Anyway I know just about all of the flaws in the piece, though it'll be helpful to see them from a new point of view. Spelling and grammar shouldn't be a problem - I've read it at least a dozen times both before and after the original posting - even though I probably abuse the commas a bit. Note that I've included a wordcount and the date I origionally finished it. Basically that's just unecessary information that I find nice to know, but isn't at all important.

Also, if you could recomend someone who does good banners, or make them yourself, I'd really appreciate it. I'm not after anything fancy, just an arcanine, espeon and the words 'Surreal Slayer'.

On an unrelated note, you may remember me from many months ago. I commented on a few fics and then disappeared until now. To be honest I'm not much of a reviewer and although I still come here regularly, this is the first time I've logged in for months. Please don't think I've abandoned your work or anything - as I said, I'm not much of a reviewer and rather shy, even on the 'net - and I'll be trying to comment more often from now on.

But that's enough babbling from me. One with the fic, I say!





Surreal Slayer
By BenJS


"You’re the one who’s been givin’ the grunts a hard time?" the Rocket Field Commander scoffed, "Those newbies really are wimps."

The young girl before him levelled an accusing finger at the older man’s chest, a triumphant grin plastered across her features.

"I’m here for the pokémon you stole," she declared, swishing her short emerald ponyta-tail from her shoulder cockily, "and if you won’t hand them over I’ll have to make you!"

The Rocket smirked; there was nothing he enjoyed more than crushing a child’s spirits. "Big words for such a small wench, lets see if ya can back ‘em up."

"You’re on, go Surreal!" she cried, stepping back a few paces to make room and leaving the espeon that had stood quietly by her side alone on the field.

The Field Commander allowed his fingers to brush across the orbs at his belt, deciding which would be best suited to crushing the insolent brat, before his hand settled on the Greatball at the right hand side of the buckle. Flinging the sphere at the ground between them, it snapped open on its hinge, the forthcoming red energy fizzing and forming itself into the hulking black and red shape of an arcanine.

"Meet my latest acquisition, Slayer," the outlaw gloated, "he’s not fully broken yet but he’ll do."

How dare he talk about a pokémon like that, as if it were nothing more than a tool, something to be ‘acquired’ and discarded at his discretion. And what had he meant by broken? She shuddered to imagine.

Fuming, the girl issued the first command and thus commenced the battle. "Surreal, Confusion!"

But the espeon hesitated; the dog was young and by the slightly glazed look in his eyes Surreal guessed that he must have been exposed to some form of trauma, probably from the process of ‘breaking’ him that the Rocket had spoken of. She judged that if it continued for much longer the canine pokémon would soon go mad, that or surrender himself completely to his master’s will.

Her Trainer’s cry snapped Surreal back into the present, only just dodging the striped blur that was her opponents Take Down attack.

"Stay focussed Surreal," the girl hissed to her psychic-type. Despite her misgivings of the man, he obviously raised his pokémon well and she had best stay on guard.

Annoyed that his battler had missed such an easy target, the Rocket fingered the leather whip at his belt, earning a small whimper from the fire hound, before commanding a Flamethrower.

Slayer obliged, scared of yet another lashing for his incompetence. He opened his gaping muzzle wide, the writhing flames spewing forth from his jaws towards his smaller foe, the waves of heat so great that they distorted the air around the attack and slightly ruffled his shaggy cream mane.

Caught off-guard by the canine’s swift reaction, the child was to slow to react, but luckily Surreal thought fast and erected a Light Screen to bear the brunt of the attack. The powerful column of fire hit the thin sheet of light and writhed against it for a fraction of a second, losing power as it smashed through the barrier and sent shards of light into the air to dissipate in the blink of an eye.

Though weakened, the attack still managed to send Surreal flying, vicious blisters erupting under the scorched fur and leaving the espeon gasping in pain, one leg wrenched at an odd angle by the collision with the unforgiving concrete floor and preventing her from rising to her feet.

The Trainer was at a loss, her star fighter almost downed by one attack. One attack! How could it be that strong, it just wasn’t possible! The girl considered withdrawing her battered pokémon but her stubborn streak chose to interfere. Surreal could, no; she must cause some kind of damage to that brute, no matter how little.

"Quick Surreal, try a Psychic!"

The battered and burnt pokémon whimpered pitifully as she tried to gather the energy for the powerful mind attack, finally letting loose the mind numbing technique. Slayer barely flinched. It was no good; she was just too weak.

The canine looked down on his opponent, the glazed look finally replaced by another, deploring one. He didn’t want to hurt his beaten foe but he must, lest he be punished for his failure to follow orders.

"What’s wrong little girl," the older man taunted, "Pokémon can’t cut it?"

The trainer ignored him, hand reaching for Surreal’s Premierball just as it was snagged in an iron grip, a pained gasp escaping her lips as the assailant wrenched her arm behind her back and ended her attempt to recall her defeated partner. Another pair of hands then grabbed hold of her left arm, and a third pair latched onto the back of her denim jacket; obviously they didn’t want her going anywhere soon.

It seemed that while she’d been distracted by the battle, the Grunts that she had encountered earlier had snuck up behind her, but why they would want to restrain her she couldn’t guess, though answer soon became painfully clear.

"I think it’s ‘bout time I taught you not to mess with the Rockets," the Commander sneered, "Slayer, finish it off!"

The girl cried out, no particular words, just a loud anguished wail. The Grunts allowed her to sink to her knees, the one holding her wrist going down with her to make sure she didn’t try anything funny, her green bangs obscuring her large amber eyes.

"No," she pleaded desperately, "please, I’ll do anything. I’ll…" she was cut off as the Grunt still holding her arm leaned over her shoulder and whispered in her ear, his long crimson hair tickling her cheek as he spoke.

"It’s too late," he spoke flatly, "there’s nothing you can do." With grim realisation she knew he was right, there was nothing she could do. And what was that concealed note in his voice, that subtle something that she had been able to detect? Was it sorrow…compassion? The girl didn’t know and for the moment didn’t care, she just wanted this all to end.

Slayer hesitated. As a relatively new addition to the team he had yet to be fully broken, that is, beaten into total and utter submission to his master’s will; a cruel and sadistic brute even by Team Rocket’s standards. This espeon, not much older than himself, she didn’t deserve to die. She had done nothing wrong, nothing but fight valiantly to save the pokémon that had been so cruelly ripped from their homes, torn away from their loving families and devoted Trainers to become mere tools in the Rocket Empire’s quest for world domination.

Surreal took this hesitation as an opportunity to open a psychic link between herself and her distraught Trainer, sending a gentle torrent of reassurance and comfort to the girl.

<Titian, please don’t cry,> the espeon spoke telepathically, <It will be all right.>

<No it won’t. I shouldn’t have…I shouldn’t…> The girl, Titian, responded in kind, breaking off as her sobs became even more harrowing.

<It’s not your fault,> Surreal soothed, and added when she caught sight of images flickering in Titian’s mind, <and please, please don’t blame Slayer, he doesn’t want to, but he doesn’t have any choice either.>

The girl, shaking with each mournful sob, couldn’t manage to form a reasonable response, instead pressing her head tighter to her chest. Her cries came less and less as Surreal wrapped her in mental blanket of warmth and comfort, letting loose a short, unintentional sigh at the gentle caress of her friend’s mind.

The loud crack of a whip and the sound of leather tearing flesh, slightly muffled by fur, drew the pair’s attention back to Surreal’s whimpering opponent, cringing in pain. The Rocket cursed viciously at his pokémon’s disobedience, screaming at the arcanine to ‘finish the damn thing off’. After half a dozen more agonising lashes the Rocket’s abuse won out and the hulking canine took several hesitant steps towards the smaller pokémon.

The girl watched in silent terror, wanting to look away but she didn’t, she owed her friend that much.

Slayer took the final step, closing the distance between them, his huge paw mere centimetres from the espeon’s fallen body. His eyes offered a pleading heartfelt apology, whimpering and shaking in pain and with the guilt of what he was about to do.

Surreal struggled painfully to her feet, face turning upward to meet the arcanine’s watery gaze. As their eyes met, the espeon nodded slowly.

The dogs tensed muscles slackened slightly, barely perceivable, with some small relief. A big wet tear glistened over the soft red fur of his cheek as he nodded in return, a wordless message passing between the two.

Surreal bowed before Slayer, unwavering, sliding her forelegs out before her and allowing the jewelled forehead to gently touch the floor.

The arcanine, not quite as sure of himself, gently rested his massive paw on the back of the espeon’s head, his master’s shouts of approval ringing in his ears. With a thunderous, woeful howl, Slayer fulfilled his master’s wishes.

The girl screamed…



Word Count: 1524

Finished 7th May 2005