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Spriteman
16th July 2006, 3:54 AM
Okay, this is the prologe to a Pokemon Fan-Fin (my first pokemon one =D ) I'm writing. Hopefully, unlike the other stories I write, I'll finish it.

If this turnts out to be any good, I might make small biographies about the characters... Until then.




Pokemon Galaxy
~~~A Spriteman Origional ~ The threat from the beyond... ~~~


~The Prologe...~



In the uncharted vastness of space, a threat is building... One that could threaten man-kind as we know it...



A young boy, only thirteen, dressed in an orange jacket with black arounnd the bottom half, with a pair of blue denim jeans and a pair of white shoes brushed his long brown hair from his face, his white skin almost glowing in the light.

"Okay MJ! Use barrier then confusion to knock that sandshrew away!" the boy shouted at the little clown pokemon, which looked frantically around the battleground, then stuck out its little hands and made a small shield out of pure psychic energy. The sandshrew jumped forward and tried to use a scratch attack, but it bounced off the little pokemon's shield. The Mine. Jr. then used a confusion attack, lifting the sandshrew up by, what looked like, his head, causing it pain, as it grasped its had,
then fell to the ground as MJ relaxed, and the sandshrew fainted.

"Good job!" Nick shouted at his pokemon, as he kneeled down, letting it jump to his arms and hug him. "No hard feelings, eh Sara?"

Sara, a young girl, the same age as Nick with a red top with long brown trousers, parting her hair long black hair to the side. She had her hands on her hips, and replied, "None at all, but Dustin seems to
have taken a bit of a beating from MJ."

"Lets take him to the Pokemon Center, my other pokemon are needing a check up too." he said as he stood up, carrying his Mime Jr. in his arms when he saw a massive explosion in the distance... "What the fu-" he cut off, as he saw a group of strange pokemon walk forward towards the town.

"Lets go check it out!" Sara shouted excitedly, letting out two of her other pokemon for protection. "Shelly, Jolty, wanna go check it out?" she asked her Torkoal and Mareep. They nodded and they ran towards the crash sight.

"Sara wai- Oh whats the use..." he muttered, and carrying MJ, ran forward to catch her.
When he reached her however, she was standing cornered by three pokemon he had never seen before, well, he guessed they were pokemon.

Sara looked terrified, and turned round to see Nick, and crouched behind him, and pointed towards her Mareep, which lay against a rock, blood softly trickling from its head and her torkoal all wrapped up in
its shell.
Feeling a sudden rush of anger, he grabbed a pokeball and through it against the ground, sending out his chikorita. "Chiko, use razor leaf!" he shouted, then suddenly ran forward to his pokemon, picked it up in its second spin (slightly cutting his arm) and ran, shouting at Sara to return her mareep and
torkoal and do the same.

They ran for around five minutes and the pokemon didn't plan on intercepting them. They soon arrived at the pokemon center. Showing the attendent her Mareep, the nurse began to do neural scans on the little pokemon, which seemed to be in shock.

"Nurse, did you see those pokemon!?" he shouted out while holding Sara, watching the three pokemon fly into the air from where they last saw them. "They did this. I'm sure I've saw them before, but I just don't know!"

"Calm down..." the nurse said soothingly, passing him a cup of tea and patting him on the shoulder. "I'm sure the deox- they aren't going to hastle use anymore."

"What did you say?" Nick looked at her, puzzled, sipping at his tea. "Whats a 'Deox'?"
"I'm pretty sure you'll find out later..." she said, turning away from him with a wicked grin on her face. "I'm sure you'll find out..."

Deathborn_606
16th July 2006, 3:59 AM
Okay have you ever heard of spacing out your paragraphs. It would make it much easier to read.

If you would do that I could give my opinion on this.

Spriteman
16th July 2006, 4:01 AM
Fine... I'll edit this once I've done it.

Deathborn_606
16th July 2006, 4:41 AM
Well I've read this but I can't seem to put my finger on it what to review it.

I'm sorry but this can be left to the other reviewers.

Spriteman
16th July 2006, 4:42 AM
Okay, no problem, but a simple good or crap would have been fine =P

Spriteman
16th July 2006, 6:19 AM
(( Sorry for the Double Post... ))

Well, I decided that I might aswell post what I've done of the first chapter. So far, its nothing interesting, the same old yaddayadda =(

But anyway, I'll post it here, its probably about 1/3 or 1/4 finished so far. Enjoy, hopefully...


Chapter one
~ The second encounter ~


After Sara's Mareep was healed, they ran back to Nick's house, a large building made of red bricks surrounded by a beautiful garden with his mothers's Bellosums and oddishs being catoured to by his mothers Mr. Mime, MJ's father.
The little pokemon he was holding in his arms looked up at him, "Fine... But be inside soon," he said as he let his Mime Jr. drop down and run over to see his father. The little pokemon would only hug his father and Nick in its own free will, though, it had hugged Sara in the past.
Holding Sara, who was still rather shaken due to the incident, they walked up too his bedroom, and she sat on his bed as he switched on his computer and went on a search engine when he decided to let his pokemon out for a breath of fresh air. "Ricky, Chicko, Bugsy, Hown, Morph, come on out," he said as he sent out his Bonsly, Chikorita, Trapinch, Growlithe and his Eevee out into his room. Morph, the little eevee, jumped onto Sara's lap, and rubbed her head against Sara's stomach, trying to sooth her.
Nick's room was rather bland, blue wall paper with a red carpet with a few posters and paintings on his wall. Looking around his room, he saw the picture of an arcticuno flying over a mountain, and the picture of a salamence using a hyper beam. And then there was his favourite, a picture he had taken. The three legendary bird pokemon clashing over the island he lived on, then being attacked by two pokemon other birds. He took the picture himself when he was seven, taking photos of pokemon when he first got his little camera. He smild faintly, then went back to the computer, looking up 'Deox' on the search engine.
"Only three thousand re****s?" he muttered to himself as he clikced on the first link. There! It was the pokemon, but it wasn't called Deox, but 'Deoxys'...
He began to read more, it had many forms, one for attacking, one for defence, one for speed... They could create a clone of themselves to fight others in a different area... And a lot more information.
"Hey Sara, come check this out," he said, indicating for the girl to come over. "Read this."
After a few minutes, the girl had quickly glanced over it, then read it over in more detail. "Wow...", she said, brushing her hair from in front of hair face, "That is what attacked us?"
"Yeah, it is, and it could have killed us, we need to report to authorities," he said frantically, returning all his pokemon, apart from Chicko, and ran out of the door, grabbing Sara by the wrist, out of his room and out the house, picking up MJ as he passed.
MJ, climbing up Nick as he ran, waved at its father as he left, who in turn, waved at his son. After their short good-byes, MJ looked up a Nick, arms crossed with a frown. It couldn't help but being cute, Nick thought, and lifted the pokemon on his shoulders, as he knew it always loved.
Looking behind him, he saw that his chicorita was looking rather gloomy as he ran, and lifted it up and placed it on his other shoulder, moving MJ up a little to just one shoulder, so they both had the same amount of room.

Yami Ryu
16th July 2006, 7:07 AM
... correct spacing is as follows:



Chapter one
~ The second encounter ~


After Sara's Mareep was healed, they ran back to Nick's house, a large building made of red bricks surrounded by a beautiful garden with his mothers's Bellosums and oddishs being catoured to by his mothers Mr. Mime, MJ's father.

The little pokemon he was holding in his arms looked up at him, "Fine... But be inside soon," he said as he let his Mime Jr. drop down and run over to see his father. The little pokemon would only hug his father and Nick in its own free will, though, it had hugged Sara in the past.

Holding Sara, who was still rather shaken due to the incident, they walked up too his bedroom, and she sat on his bed as he switched on his computer and went on a search engine when he decided to let his pokemon out for a breath of fresh air. "Ricky, Chicko, Bugsy, Hown, Morph, come on out," he said as he sent out his Bonsly, Chikorita, Trapinch, Growlithe and his Eevee out into his room. Morph, the little eevee, jumped onto Sara's lap, and rubbed her head against Sara's stomach, trying to sooth her.

Nick's room was rather bland, blue wall paper with a red carpet with a few posters and paintings on his wall. Looking around his room, he saw the picture of an arcticuno flying over a mountain, and the picture of a salamence using a hyper beam. And then there was his favourite, a picture he had taken. The three legendary bird pokemon clashing over the island he lived on, then being attacked by two pokemon other birds. He took the picture himself when he was seven, taking photos of pokemon when he first got his little camera. He smild faintly, then went back to the computer, looking up 'Deox' on the search engine.

"Only three thousand re****s?" he muttered to himself as he clikced on the first link. There! It was the pokemon, but it wasn't called Deox, but 'Deoxys'...

He began to read more, it had many forms, one for attacking, one for defence, one for speed... They could create a clone of themselves to fight others in a different area... And a lot more information.

"Hey Sara, come check this out," he said, indicating for the girl to come over. "Read this."

After a few minutes, the girl had quickly glanced over it, then read it over in more detail. "Wow...", she said, brushing her hair from in front of hair face, "That is what attacked us?"

"Yeah, it is, and it could have killed us, we need to report to authorities," he said frantically, returning all his pokemon, apart from Chicko, and ran out of the door, grabbing Sara by the wrist, out of his room and out the house, picking up MJ as he passed.

MJ, climbing up Nick as he ran, waved at its father as he left, who in turn, waved at his son. After their short good-byes, MJ looked up a Nick, arms crossed with a frown. It couldn't help but being cute, Nick thought, and lifted the pokemon on his shoulders, as he knew it always loved.

Looking behind him, he saw that his chicorita was looking rather gloomy as he ran, and lifted it up and placed it on his other shoulder, moving MJ up a little to just one shoulder, so they both had the same amount of room.

Got that? Good. It's otherwise known as hitting the enter button TWICE. Ok? Ok.

Onto the story ... it's blah as hell. Rushed, flat and tacky. The characters come off as shallow, the story is rushed as hell, I mean what you did in one short chapter, could be done out into something longer. And by longer is usually, on most of my stories, the filler chapters are usually 20 paragraphs long. Sometimes shorter, but usually nearly 20 long.

Yours is barely ten. Hell it looks like your prolouge is longer than chapter one. Just, man, your story has no spark. No life. No originality. You just slopped an idea down onto 'paper' quiet messily and didn't even try to add life or flare to it. Go read Advice for Aspiring Authors and put some sweat and grease into chapter two :/

Spriteman
16th July 2006, 7:11 AM
I'm pretty sure that I did write that it was a part of chapter one, I was planning on extending it, if you want to see what I've written so far, fine, but being honest, I don't write too often (don't even bother saying that you noticed =P ) and, although I'm sure there are people my age that have written better than me, I'm only 13 and its my first attempt at a pokemon fan-fic, I usually do Star Wars stories or Medival Fantasy ones, but I don't want to post them here, m'kay?

EDIT: And yes, its rushed, only did it in like 20 minutes.

Yami Ryu
16th July 2006, 7:16 AM
... Go read the damn rules. God. Age does not matter. First time writing a damn pokemon fic doesn't matter. Posting only part of a chapter is well, pretty much against the damn rules. And 20 minutes to write that? God, even when I was a noob writer I atleast spent a day working through one of my chapters.

And it was nearly five times the length of this :/ not because it was good but because I used scentences too much or over descripted to stupid pointless stuff. But still, I didn't use age or time as an excuse.

Sweet baby bippy.

I suggest you don't post untill you've finished all of a chapter. Because otherwise you're leaving yourself open to be attacked for not posting your best work. Seriously. If you could comprehend starwars, you should be able to comprehend pokemon. Cause I mean there's more to starwars than pokemon :/

Spriteman
16th July 2006, 7:21 AM
True, but me being a geek, I know more about Star Wars than I do Pokemon, theres a lot of information to use, plus, with all the Japanese names of pokemon, I can't use Perap (the best pokemon that was ever invented in history, omg!). But I'll take your advice into mind and I'll make my characters a little more, well, better, like maybe give them a personality.

I have to think the main guys Mime Jr. has a personality, well, I think it has a hint of one at least... Anyway... Back to wordpad (yes, I know I need to get Word...)...

Spriteman
19th July 2006, 10:01 AM
Okay, I've finished Chapter One now. No, this isn't just part of it, and hopefully it will be satisfactory...


Chapter one
~ The second encounter ~


After Sara's Mareep was healed, they ran back to Nick's house, a large building made of red bricks surrounded by a beautiful garden with his mothers's Bellosums and oddishs being catoured to by his mothers Mr. Mime, MJ's father.

The little pokemon he was holding in his arms looked up at him, "Fine... But be inside soon," he said as he let his Mime Jr. drop down and run over to see his father. The little pokemon would only hug his father and Nick in its own
free will, though, it had hugged Sara in the past.

Holding Sara, who was still rather shaken due to the incident, they walked up too his bedroom, and she sat on his bed as he switched on his computer and went on a search engine when he decided to let his pokemon out for a breath of fresh air. "Ricky, Chicko, Bugsy, Hown, Morph, come on out," he said as he sent out his Bonsly, Chikorita, Trapinch, Growlithe and his Eevee out into his room. Morph, the little eevee, jumped onto Sara's lap, and rubbed her head against Sara's stomach, trying to sooth her.

Nick's room was rather bland, blue wall paper with a red carpet with a few posters and paintings on his wall. Looking around his room, he saw the picture of an arcticuno flying over a mountain, and the picture of a salamence using a hyper beam. And then there was his favourite, a picture he had taken. The three legendary bird pokemon clashing over the island he lived on, then being attacked by two pokemon other birds. He took the picture himself when he was seven, taking photos of pokemon when he first got his little camera. He smild faintly, then went back to the computer,
looking up 'Deox' on the search engine.

"Only three thousand re****s?" he muttered to himself as he clikced on the first link. There! It was the pokemon, but it wasn't called Deox, but 'Deoxys'...
He began to read more, it had many forms, one for attacking, one for
defence, one for speed... They could create a clone of themselves to fight others in a different area... And a lot more information.

"Hey Sara, come check this out," he said, indicating for the girl to come over. "Read this."

After a few minutes, the girl had quickly glanced over it, then read it over in more detail. "Wow...", she said, brushing her hair from in front of hair face, "That is what attacked us?"

"Yeah, it is, and it could have killed us, we need to report to authorities," he said frantically, returning all his pokemon, apart from Chicko, and ran out of the door, grabbing Sara by the wrist, out of his room and out the house, picking up MJ as he passed.

MJ, climbing up Nick as he ran, waved at its father as he left, who in turn, waved at his son. After their short good-byes, MJ looked up a Nick, arms crossed with a frown. It couldn't help but being cute, Nick thought, and lifted the pokemon on his shoulders, as he knew it always loved.

Looking behind him, he saw that his chicorita was looking rather gloomy as he ran, and lifted it up and placed it on his other shoulder, moving MJ up a little to just one shoulder, so they both had the same amount of space.
Looking at the large crater where the pokemon crashed, next to a hill of earth with grass on the top.

MJ jumped off of his shoulder and looked at the hole blasted in the ground, and then looked at Nick, then back at the hole. Chiko jumped off too and sniffed at the crater, then its eyes jolted open, and looked up ontop of the hill, seeing a sillueted deoxys infront of the sun.

Just then, Nick's mum and her Mr. Mime and her two Bellosoms ran towards Nick and Sara and ordered her pokemon to use lightscreen and barrier, protecting all of the people there. The deoxys redied its tenticles and used a flamethrower attack, bouncing off of the lightscreen. It then used ice-bean and frozen all of the people in the large barrier in ice, then promptly flew off into the sky, to rejoin with its brothers.

"Houl, go!" Nick shouted as he sent out his growlith, which instinctivly knew what to do and melted the ice with an ember attack. Nick then scratched the fiery hound behind its ears. "Good boy."

"We'd better get home," Nick's mother said to them, her hand placed on Mr. Mimes head. "We don't want another attack like this and being caught outside, Nick, if you didn't have your Growli-"

"Its Houl," he cut in, kneeling with his pokemon, still petting it, "And if me and Houl weren't here, your Mr. Mime would have used psychic on the ice and lifted it out of the way."

"Well, we still better head home..."



Meanwhile, in the O-Zone layer above Kanto, a large, green flying lizard came out of its tedious trance. Sensing something that wasn't right had arrived on Earth, it set off to discover the source of the problem. No, I cannot be seen by man, he thought to himself, heading over to Mossdeep City, a large island on the coast of Hoenn. I must communicate with someone, but who? Aah... The boy and girl who first saw the beasts! I must find one who can communicate with them. I need one with psychic abilities...

He continued pondering on what to do. Meanwhile, Nick and Sara sat down with Nick's mother in his home.

"Okay, these pokemon are a threat to the island, we're leaving," he told Nick, who looked outraged at the thought of leaving. "Sara, I advise that you force your parents to do the same."

"Mum, I'm refusing to leave, I'll stay here with Liza and Tate if I have to!" he shouted disobeyingly to his mother, a small spark of anger in his eyes.

"Yeah, and you can't take Nick away from me!" Sara shouted at her, her arm
shaking slightly. She soon regained her innercalm and sat back down. "You won't move though, if my parents decide that I have to move, I'll go with
Liza and Tate too!"

"Nick, you can't just go to your sisters everytime we fall out. One day they'll get sick of it!" his mother said scaldingly to her son, standing up from her chair, "And you, little missy, what makes you think they'll take you!"

"**** this!" Nick shouted angrily, throwing over his chair and storming out the house, towards the Gym. Pulling out his PokeNav, he phoned his sister. "Hey, Liza, I'm coming over for a visit..."

"Look what you've done!" Sara shouted at her friends mother, lifting up MJ as she went, "You made him forget his pokemon, thats how angry he is!"


Kicking a rock along the path, Sara, holding MJ, was suddenly struck silent. She could only look up in fear with MJ as a huge, green pokemon appeared in the air. "Wha.. Wha..." she mouthed, looking at the pokemon. She looked down at MJ, and its eyes had gone white, she looked up at the pokemon, who's eyes had also gone white.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Mime Jr. began to speak. "Greetings, human," it said in a deep, official sounding voice. "I am Rayquazza. I am speaking through this pokemon, for it has the right vocal coardes to speak the tounge of man."

"Wha... What do you want me for!?" Sara shouted fearfully, clutching MJ, then remembering it was a puppet to Rayquazza.

"You see... Many powerful pokemon will be appearing from three regions over this island, I shall list them now, I do trust you shall remember. There will be Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres, the legendary birds of Kanto. Ho-oh, Lugia, the legendary birds of Johto. Regice, Regirock, Registeel, Groudon, Kyogre and myself... The Regis of Hoenn and the pokemon of Land, Water and Air. They are all here to stop one pokemon, one we banished from this world many, many years ago... He was named Deoxys..."

"But what am I to do!?" she shouted, still clutching MJ rather tightly. "Yes, I understand that all these pokemon of legend are coming here to stop this pokemon, but what am I supposed to do!?"

"You just need to help evacuate the island, this will be a highly destructive battle, I do not with for any of you humans, or any other pokemon, to be caught up in this battle."

"Okay Rayquaza," Sara said, readying herself to leave. "I'll be sure to get Nick off here as well."

She began to run towards the Gym and passed through a portal-type device to the Liza and Tate.

"So then that ***** said that we're to leave town, and I don't wanna leave!" he said as Tate stroked the back of his head. "So, can I stay with you guys for a while, I really don't want to leave this island, I've lived here for so long, its my life, and if its destroyed by this thing, I want to be there with it!"
"Are you sure," said Liza.

"That you want to stay, because," Tate said, saying it directly after Liza.
"It could get ugly, and."

"We're not sure that you should be in this mess."

"But, if you really want to stay,"

"We'll look after you as best,"

"As we can."

"Thanks you," he said, hugging his sisters and returning all his pokemon, then began to panic. "Where MJ!? MJ, where are you, come here please!?"

"Mime!" shouted MJ as he jumped from Sara's arms and ran towards Nick.
"There you are," Nick said, picking up the little mime pokemon up and hugging it. "Ya gave me a scare there!"

"Nick, we have to leave," Sara said softly to Nick, placing her arm over him.

"What do you mean, could you explain?" She then began to explain her meeting with Rayquaza and his warning about the Pokemon of Legend meeting up on his home town.

"But... They can't destroy Mossdeep!? If they do, I'll be here when they do it!" Nick shouted, horrified. "I'm not leaving. I refuse to leave my hometown, this was where I caught most of my pokemon, and where MJ here was born!"
"Okay... I guess theres no arguing, but I refuse to leave without you." she said, pulling out a cell phone and began to call her parents, when a wall was crashed down four red and four blue tenticles grabbed her and flew off into
the sky...

"Sara!!!" Nick shouted as he ran out chasing after Sara, grabbing her foot as she was lifted into the air. Liza and Tate followed him, their Solrock and Lunatone floating behind them. Dangling from Sara's foot, he was lifted around fifteen feet in the air, when the Deoxys lifting her up, let with one of its tenticles and grabbed his wrist tightly, snapping it and throwing him down towards the ground.

Solrock and Lunatone used psychic, catching him with their psychic powers, gently laying him on the ground as his sisters ran forward towards him to check on him.

"I think his wrist is broken." Tate shouted towards Liza, "He needs medical attention!"

"Sara..." was the last thing he said as he fell unconcious. At least in his dreams, he could at least be in peace... If it weren't for the vicious nightmares he was having...

M'kay, please tell me what ya'll think =D

Odin
21st July 2006, 5:46 AM
It ok.;248; ;201-b;

Yami Ryu
21st July 2006, 6:16 AM
Odin: Congrats for SPAMMING! Now go read the rules :O if you can manage that without falling out of your chair >>

Anyways.

I can see you tried.... but then some things just come and make me ...


Suddenly, out of nowhere, the Mime Jr. began to speak. "Greetings, human," it said in a deep, official sounding voice. "I am Rayquaza. I am speaking through this pokemon, for it has the right vocal coardes to speak the tounge of man."

OMG RAYQUAZA LEARNED PSYCHIC! :/ seriously. If it was something like Mew, or Celebi. Or even Jirachi, I could believe it. But Rayquaza whom is Dragon and Flying and has complete control over the air so much no storms can be made in its prescence, does not have the power I think to use a pokemon as a puppet to speak for it. And since you probably won't explain how exactly Rayquaza can do it- it's very wtf. Very, very wtf indeed.

And the emotions of the character Sara are... left to be desired. And the reactions. I mean if I was suddenly infront of a Mr Mime prevo that could SPEAK and claimed it was RAYQUAZA SPEAKING- I'd first think myself insane.

Then think omg it's a talking Mime Jr, I CAN MAKE MONEY OMGOMG!

Just overall I think you should focus one paragraph at a time- not rush it. Because all over the place, amongst the typos of Chikorita as chiorita and Ice beam as Ice bean, there's still the tacky feeling that you rushed this, and didn't go into as great a detail as you could.

And do not, I repeat, do not use a 'first pokemon fanfic' as your excuse again. If you are writing other crap you should know about the dangers of rushing a fic, and ignoring the characters emotions.

:/ I think you should read through the Advice thread again.