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View Full Version : Ricky's Journey "Johto Beginnings"



coolcobra77
17th July 2006, 2:30 AM
CREATED BY : Coolcobra77, and Hoenn Warrior
Editors: Ranger Registeel and Jonouchi
Rated : Pg-13, for near death experiences, suggestive themes, and other bad behavior
Warning: pokemon MAY learn things that are impossible in the games, magna, or anime

Please try to post your reviews are always welcome!

Chapter 1: New Bark Town
Chapter 2: To Cherrygrove and beyond (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=3743588&postcount=16)
Chapter 3:Fire and Wings Showdown with Falkner: Part 1 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=3815397&postcount=27)
Chapter 3:Fire and Wings Showdown with Falkner: Part 2 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=3871282&postcount=53)
Chapter 4: Conquering Bellsprout tower part 1 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=3887280&postcount=62)
Chapter 4: Conquering Bellsprout tower part 2 (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=3898261&postcount=70)
Chapter 5: Falkner's last flight (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=3906610&postcount=82)
Chapter 6: Attack of the Unown (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=3934720&postcount=99)
Chapter 7: Dark caves and water ways (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=4182527&postcount=113)
Chapter 8: Buggy Bugsy (http://www.serebiiforums.com/showpost.php?p=4197785&postcount=119)
Chapter 9: The Reaper's swarm
Chapter 10: Casino capture
Chapter 11: Whitney's wipeout, battle for the Plain badge

Jessica:Part 1: The Awakening
Jessica:Part 2: Vs Morty

Chapter 12:Part 1:Ricky vs Blake, brotherly battle
Chapter 12:Part 2: Ricky vs Blake, brotherly battle
Chapter 13: Howling Horrors
Chapter 14: Ghost in the fog, battle of the Fog badge
Chapter 15: Dance in the dark
Chapter 16: Tauros Tackling
Chapter 17: Milktank vs Tauros
Chapter 18: Metal Valley
Chapter 19: Pirate of the seas, vs Tentacruel
Chapter 20: Double Battle, vs Chuck for the Storm badge
Chapter 21: Ascending the Lighthouse
Chapter 22: Flaming Steel, battle for the Mineral badge
Chapter 23: Team Rocket's Revenge, attack of the rogue Dragonite
Chapter 24: Tyranitar Troubles
Chapter 25: Fight Master, battle for Tyrogue
Chapter 26: Journey to Lake of Rage
Chapter 27: Lake of Rage competition
Chapter 28: Murkrows of Mahogany
Chapter 29: Icey Prycye, frozen battle for the Glacier badge
Chapter 30: Depths of the Ice Cave
Chapter 31: Dragon Master, earning the right to fight
Chapter 31: Duel of the Dragons
Chapter 32: Mountain climbing
Chapter 33: Battle back home
Chapter 34: Silver Confrence:Part I: Preliminaries












Chapter 1: New Bark Town

Chapter 1 : New Bark Town

The ancient Johto city Ecruteak laid in ruins. Flames danced around buildings as they crumbled, and people screamed in the streets as they ran in fear. This was true chaos, the sky was a raven black and the ground was swept in fire and ashes. In the raven black sky there were only four figures. The golden phoenix Ho-oh and the silver bird Lugia danced in the sky, on their back were two teenagers. One wearing a golden jacket, a blue shirt and finally blue denim jeans. The other wore a black cape, a black shirt with two vertical blue stripes, and finally black jeans.

“Ho-oh use sacred fire.” A boy with light red hair and the golden jacket ordered to the phoenix he was riding on. An orange blaze erupted from Ho-oh’s lips and engulfed the silver bird Lugia.

“Lugia try an aeroblast.” A boy with spiked black hair and black cape called to his legendary. With one flap of its large wings the sacred fire disappeared. Lugia took a deep breathe and an orange ball of pure energy fired at Ho-oh.

“Ho-oh dodge it.” The red haired boy called to Ho-oh. Ho-oh flew into higher altitude in an attempt to escape Lugia.

“Follow it quickly.” The boy with black hair called to his silver pokemon. Lugia immediately climbed into the air after the golden phoenix.

“Now Lugia blow it out of the sky with ancient power!” Yelled the boy with spiked black hair. Lugia;s and the boy’s eyes turned silver at once and a silver beam erupted from Lugia’s mouth. Ho-oh turned his head to see of Lugia was following but instead was struck by the ancient power.

“Counter it with our ancient power.” Ho-oh’s child spat. Ho-oh and the boy’s eyes glowed a deep gold and a golden beam of energy roared at Lugia.

“Blow it away with aeroblast.” Lugia’s child ordered. Lugia inhaled and another orange ball of coursing energy blazed its way at the phoenix. The two attacks met and the ancient power ripped through the aeroblast like tissue paper. The attack continued and ripped its way into Lugia’s blue chest.

“Now finish it, hyper beam.” The boy yelled at Lugia. Lugia unleashed a beam of pure destruction at Ho-oh.

“Dive quickly to dodge it.” The boy on Ho-oh’s back exclaimed. Ho-oh went into a steep dive narrowly dodging the beam as Lugia tried to follow it. The hyper beam missed its mark and instead continued down through the Tin tower, splitting it in two halves.

“Now try sacred fire again!” The red haired boy screamed. Ho-oh unleashed another flame that engulfed Lugia again and this time couldn't be extinguished as easily. Lugia roared in pain as the flames ripped at his flesh.

“Put out the flames with hydro pump!” The black haired boy exclaimed as he covered hi face with his cape. A terrible burst of water broke through the sacred fire and struck Ho-oh. The boy on its back almost lost balance.

“Now fly above them and finish it with aeroblast!” The black haired boy ordered with the final blow being struck in this battle of legendaries. Lugia climbed over Ho-oh and inhaled deeply, an enormous ball of coursing energy erupted from Lugia’s mouth and exploded on impact with Ho-oh’s feathers. The red haired boy was thrown off Ho-oh’s back and plummeted to Earth. The boy closed his eyes and thought of the death and destruction came to mind. Team Rocket would finally rule the world and it would all be...

A boy with light red hair jutted up from his bed, sweat beat down his face as he sat on his bed.

“Another dream.” He said calmly to himself. “Right... it was only a dream, that would never happen in real life.” He kept repeating to himself.

Finally he rested his head back on his green pillow and slipped back to the world of sleep.


“A journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step” Ricky kept muttering to himself.

Ricky has known this phrase since his Mother told his older brother Blake did 3 years ago, when he started his Pokemon journey. Now at 13 Ricky was ready to start his own journey and be as great as his older brother Blake, no better than his older brother. Ricky wore a shimmering golden jacket with a blue tee- shirt underneath and blue jeans that blew in fiercely in the wind. His wild red hair flipped and twirled in the wind. From a distance it would look like a small out of control fire that could quickly consume anything in its path. The same intense look could be seen in his red eyes. He also sported blue and gold running shoes for his journey ahead.


Ricky started to run being the excited boy as he is; he could never be patient for anything. He darted back and forth on his doorstep awaiting for his mother to come by and give him his backpack with the essential items that he would need for his journey, such as food, blankets and a change of clothes along with some soap for washing. His mother soon came through the door. As her son, her hair had the same red color that darted around in the wind. She appeared to be in her early thirties and was wearing long green shorts and a long sleeved shirt. With a look of worry in her eyes she handed her son his bag and embraced him in one last hug.

“You be careful on your journey here in Johto. This may be your home region, but don’t get too carried away and end up doing stupid reasons like jumping off of bridges to save some crazy girl!” she said with great emphasis.

“Mom just like in the baby commercials, IM A BIG BOY NOW, and I can handle any challenge that comes my way. If I get knocked down I’ll just get right back up and try again. And who knows. I may end up jumping off a bridge to save someone!” replied Ricky.

“Well I’m off to Professor’s Elms to get my starter Pokemon. Take care and don’t worry too much about me.” Said Ricky as he dashed off towards the Professor’s lab to get his starter.

New Bark Town was small and quiet about a couple of dozens of houses and the laboratory, which was surrounded by trees and mountains. He soon came close to the lab which was white and quite large since it housed a wide arrange of Pokemon that the Professor studied and took care for the other trainers around Johto and the other regions. Ricky soon approached the doors and blasted right on in. He came to the center of the lab where a assortment of computers lay that had a wide array of statistics of Pokemon from Charizard, to Beedril. Soon, Ricky saw the Professor in his white lab coat reviewing some sort of notes. He quickly noticed Ricky who was smiling with glee to start his journey. The Professor simply shook his head and murmured “Just like every beginning trainer.”

“Well it seems your anxious to get your show on the road eh Ricky?” said the Professor with a smile on his face.

“You bet I am. I have been waiting so long to get my starter Pokemon and compete with Blake in the league when he left 3 years ago, and here I am, all set to start my journey!” exclaimed a very excited Ricky.

The Professor eyed him from top to bottom and seen this exact look before on Christmas day when a young child runs down stairs to see what Santa has brought them.

“Well please let me find the Pokemon before you even start.” Elm nervously sputtered.

Professor Elm started to look around the room frantically dashing and scattering papers around the room while Ricky did notice something jingling in his the right pocket of his white lab coat.

“ Professor?” Ricky chuckled

“ Yes, yes what is it, I’m trying to find the Pokeballs!” The Professor asked while looking through large stacks of papers.

“ Try your back pocket... I think they’re in there” Ricky said feeling smart.

“Oh yes, uh sorry about that... “ Professor Elm sighed as he threw 2 poke balls in the air and they released two Pokemon, one being a Fire Mouse Pokemon with the top half of its body being covered in navy blue and four small orange spots that gave off some heat while the bottom half of the Pokemon was cream colored. This Pokemon was a Cyndaquil. The other Pokemon was a blue reptilian creature with huge jaws and a cream “V” shape on its chest and its back and tail had small red spikes. This Pokemon was Totodile.

“ I wonder which one I’ll choose?” Ricky wondered out loud. “They both look healthy and strong, but where is Chikorita?” Ricky asked out loud.

“Jessica came along this morning before you and took Chikorita.” The Professor answered.

“I see, well that doesn’t really matter since I didn’t plan on choosing Chikorita, but Cyndaquil.” Responded Ricky, and as soon as he said these words Cyndaquil jumped into his arms.

“Well it seems Cyndaquil is happy to be traveling with you Ricky.” The Professor exclaimed. “But before you leave take these 5 Pokeballs and this Pokedex. As you may be aware of the Pokedex is like an encyclopedia that has data on all the Pokemon. Just point whenever you see a Pokemon and the data of that Pokemon will come up.” Said the Professor. “And make sure you don’t lose this you only get one and it has all your data stored on it stating you are an official Pokemon Trainer.”

“Don’t worry Professor Elm, I’m gonna guard this, my Pokemon, and my badges with all I have.” Replied Ricky.

“Good, now you can take your leave from New Bark Town and begin your journey.”

“Thanks. At last I can leave, let’s head on out Cyndaquil!” exclaimed Ricky. As he rushed on out to Route 29 that lead him to Cherrygrove City, he heard a voice screaming in the back.

“YOUR LEAVING WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE!” came from behind him. He soon saw a giant dust cloud approaching him, and he knew it could only be one person... his mother.

“I can’t believe my only son is just going to leave without saying goodbye to his own mother!” his mother said with rage.

“Come on mom you know I’m anxious to head on out.” Ricky chirped, as he looked at the rage in his mother’s red eyes.

“ I can’t blame you your just like your brother Blake. I see you choose a cute little starter Pokemon.” His mother said with a nicer tone than before.

“As you can see I chose Cyndaquil, and he will be by my side from here on out.”

“Well, you should give him a nickname to show he is different from the other Pokemon.” His mother said.

“Well let’s see what should be your name hmmmmmmm.” Ricky pondered long and hard for about 30 seconds on what he should call his new companion. “How about Volcana?”
Cyndaquil jumped for joy as she heard her new name.

“Now its time to leave lets go Volcanic, and take care mom, I’ll be just fine.” Exclaimed a eager Ricky as he and Volcana the Cyndaquil sprinted down into the woods of Route 29 where the Pidgey where chirping, the sweet smell of flowers mixed with the long grass to make one unusual scent. Right behind him he left his hometown to grow and expand his horizon of the world.

“He better not come home crying if he gets a splinter.” His mother has said as she walked on home to cook dinner.

lazyslothboy
17th July 2006, 2:33 AM
To be honest, I don't really like OT fics very much as the majority are far too predictable. As long as you do something that is really out there and maybe completely derails him from the whole "lets be a pokemon master" thing, it is okay.

coolcobra77
17th July 2006, 2:36 AM
it's not about being a pokemon Master... it's not your run of the mill story believe me... and the first chapter is always the worst, cause you got to get all the character's out and describe em well

as they continue they get better

Chaos Rush
17th July 2006, 3:21 AM
Hm...I am making a fic like yours (the banner in my sig.), but what about the part of: Mr. Pokemon, Meet red haired Rival, getting Pokedex from Oak, not Elm...

Anyways, I will remake/update my fic, because something happened to the laptop I was making my fic on...your chapter could have been longer...

You are good, but make your chapters longer...

coolcobra77
17th July 2006, 4:48 AM
thanks for the comment a few things though

- I don't want it to be exactly like the game then what's the point of writing it?

- The next chapters are longer... especially the next one

- My "Rival" will yet to be revealed straight out, but you can guess who it is from the first chapter.

mewfanforlife
17th July 2006, 4:54 AM
Ricky has known this phrase since his Mother told his older brother Blake did 3 years ago, when he started his Pokemon journey.


It's not bad, but there are some errors like the one bolded above. I'll continuet to read this when I'm in the fic section.(and I messed up quoting you sorry)

Chaos Rush
17th July 2006, 5:44 AM
But did you see my story? And also, how did you have so much more posts than me, when you joined in the same month!?

coolcobra77
17th July 2006, 3:10 PM
ok thanks again for comments, chapter 2 should be done with my partner soon

Lugia- I spend a good deal of time here, becuase it's a really fun place, and I have made 3 succesfull threads. That's where I got a majority of post.

Mew- Thanks for that I'll change it

Yami Ryu
17th July 2006, 3:18 PM
it's not about being a pokemon Master... it's not your run of the mill story believe me... and the first chapter is always the worst, cause you got to get all the character's out and describe em well

as they continue they get better

That is the lamest excuse I have seen for a crappy first chapter. Just because it's the first, doesn't mean it's the worst. Have you seen my latest fics prologue? And hell I think it could have been longer... anyways. That is a sorry excuse.

Overall, I see a blah trainer fic. I don't see much in the way of originality, character depth or plot depth :/ just because it's not an 'oh I am going to become a master' doesn't mean it's original. Like take an old fic of mine. Trainer fic- yep. Not trying to be a pokemon master. She was trying to be a master of dragons- only she wouldn't have dragon pokemon untill she was recognized as a 'master' by Lance. And that wasn't even the full plot. There was an abundance of sub plots.

Which your fic so far, seemingly lacks :/ it's just a two d little thing, that is starting out much like other two d little things. That don't really hold much of a spark of originality or life that good OT fics hold.

coolcobra77
17th July 2006, 3:22 PM
Thanks for your... helpful comment

They will get longer, and better as they go on.

but at least I followed the rules this time and made it over 1 page long.

Tale
17th July 2006, 3:27 PM
But did you see my story? And also, how did you have so much more posts than me, when you joined in the same month!?

This isn't a place to advertise for one thing, I'd advise not mentioning your story in your next post, as this thread is for comments realting to coolcobra's story. Second, not only does the fact that he's got more posts than you matter, but there are countless possibilities as to why this is so. For example, you contributed to the thread an hour after coolcobra posted, which would have bumped the thread to the top of the screen. Don't moan about that stuff, please.

The story itself was pretty good, a little unoriginal, but so is every beginning of an OT usually. Love the name Volcana, by the way, very nice.

I think this is one that stands out from the others, CC, make sure you continue it and take in all the advice offered. If you recieve a harsh revdiew, ignore the bad points, take in the advice and thank the person for it. It will make anyone who decides to get snappy think better of the way you write.

Good luck.

coolcobra77
17th July 2006, 5:29 PM
thanks, and hopefully my partner will soon finish chapter 2.

Chaos Rush
17th July 2006, 6:35 PM
Wait, you said my 'partner' will finish chapter 2...does that mean somebody else making the fic for you?

Tale
17th July 2006, 6:39 PM
Uhh...


CREATED BY : Coolcobra77, and Hoenn Warrior

Yeah, its a joint fic, Rush, its written by two people. Thats what he means by partner ^^.

coolcobra77
17th July 2006, 7:01 PM
yeah exactly.. maybe I should put that in bold ..

its kinda liek this if you need more in-depth explanation

It's like a house

I build the frame and the basic plot line and stuff like that usch as pokemon teams for other trainers.

Then he builds the walls and describes also putting his spin on things

os it's a joint -production

coolcobra77
19th July 2006, 12:04 AM
Chapter 2 : To Cherrygrove and Beyond

Just as Ricky climbed the hill he was faced with route 29’s lush forest filled with dark green Evergreen trees, and lush yellow green grass. There were small flower patches here and there. He could hear the sounds of Pidgey chirping. He even noticed a few Hoothoots hiding in their holes in the trees to escape the bright sun until nightfall came around and they would be most active.

He soon decided to check his customized Black Pokenav to see how much further it was to Cherrygrove, but realized that he didn’t charge it before he left out. Luckily for him there was a small rest stop not too fat ahead and decided to get some directions there. As he entered a large bulky guardsman with blue clothes was standing there looking very intimidating.

“Excuse me sir, but do you know how much further it is to Cherrygrove City?” asked a very nervous Ricky in fear that the guard may snatch him.

“This rest stop marks the half way point from Newbark to Cherrygrove, but be careful there are numerous of wild Pokemon out there.” Replied the guardsman in a deep voice.

“Thanks a lot!” Ricky replied as he dashed off hoping to make it to the City quickly. Knowing that his destination wasn’t out of reach he made great haste to make it to Cherrygrove, but many hills that he needed to jump and climb off of to get there, the only problem was that some of these hills were just too big for him to climb without a boost from some log or rock. As he approached a hill there was a decent sized rock that enabled him to reach the top of the hill. As he stepped on the rock, the rock quickly moved and rolled right from under Ricky.

“What the...?” Ricky said looking puzzled at what just happened.

The rock revealed itself as a Geodude, a Pokemon shaped like a rock with two hands and no feet. This Geodude had quite a temper and started to cry out loud due to some one tried to use him as a stepping-stone.

“Oh shoot, I need your help Volcana come on out!” hollered Ricky, as he stared straight into the eyes of his foe Geodude. His companion Volcana burst on out in a blast of white light and took the form of the small hunched back mouse.

“Volcana take down Geodude with Tackle!” Ricky screamed this attack from the top of his lungs and almost immediately Volcana dashed on forward making contact but ricochet right on off of the hard rock exterior. Volcana rubbed her head vigorously as the Tackle damaged her and not her enemy.

“Watch out Volcana!” Ricky screamed in horror as he saw his companion taken down by a powerful Tackle attack from Geodude. “Can you get up and continue the battle?” asked a worried Ricky who looked with horror to see his only Pokemon taken down. Luckily Volcana was able to stand on her feet but were shaking violently due to she hadn’t recovered from the previous attack from Geodude.

<GEOOOOOODUUUUDE!> This was an obvious battle cry that had attracted the attention of both Volcana and Ricky as they saw Geodude coming in for another Tackle attack.

“You gotta get out of there NOW!” Ricky’s orders were dead on as Volcana shifted to the left to avoid the incoming blow. Too bad for Geodude that it had to crash straight into the hillside. “Now is my chance to capture this Pokemon and end this battle.” Ricky proceeded to remove an empty Pokeball from his belt around the waist and enlarge it in his hand to its full size.

“POKEBALL GO!” Ricky hollered as he dashed the red and white orb from his hand towards the trapped Pokemon in the Mountainside. The orb proceeded to open up as it made contact with the Pokemon and suck it in with a white energy. The ball quickly shut as the Pokemon was contained. It violently shook for a few seconds showing that this Pokemon had fight left but in the end the familiar PING noise was heard signifying the capture of the Pokemon.

“Too close for comfort. I nearly got Volcana knocked out, and this isn’t a capture I should be too proud of.” Mumbled Ricky, as he was disappointed at the lack of skill he thought he had.

He quickly scooped up his new Pokemon and Volcana and dashed on ward to Cherrygrove City in hopes not to step on any more Pokemon or to be attacked. He soon came upon the gates of Cherrygrove City but was greeted by a strange old man who had dragged him inside explaining all the different buildings such as the Pokemon Center/Mart, etc.

I know what all this is ... I may be a rookie but I'm not stupid!" screamed Ricky as he broke free of the old mans grip.

"Fine then ... all I do is offer some advice. And you scream at me, some person you are!" The Man murmured.

"I'm sorry you just annoyed me..." Ricky said feeling guilty.

"Ha just kidding you Rookie looks like you don't know everything after all ha ha" The Man blurted out in laughter.

"When I'm done with you we'll see..." Then Ricky was cut off by the old man and given a free potion.

"Ha take it and calm down bye" and the man ran off as quickly as he appeared.


Ricky then went over to the Pokemon Center and got his Pokemon healed. Ricky then thought to himself even though Geodude is a strong Pokemon he would rather spend more time with his Volcana before adding more Pokemon to his group, and with that he placed Geodude in his Computer P.C., but made a mental note to come and get him as soon as he was ready to get some more Pokemon.

Ricky stared before Route 30. He saw the trees lining the sides of the roads, Ricky started up Route 30 then a bush started to rustle. Ricky stared but it stops as soon as he did. He walked past some trees when he saw a brown spot jump between trees. Ricky quickly took out Volcana’s Pokeball.

“ Where are you?” Ricky whispered, but almost suddenly an angered Sentret jumped out of the tree. This Pokemon had a thick furry tail with brown and light brown stripes circling it. It also had a round body with a while belly and a small round light brown spot in the center. It also has stubby feet and big ears with small hands.

“Volcana its time to do some damage.” Ricky called out to his trusted friend who appeared out from its ball it a flash of white light who had hollered its name eager for another battle.

“Take out Sentret with a Tackle attack!” hollered Ricky who now saw a navy blue blur rushed straight into Sentret knocking it down but quickly scaled a tree and made it atop a tree branch.

“Running scared eh? You better run me and Volcana are just to…QUILLL!!” this screeching noise from his Cyndaquil had quickly cut him off as the Sentret had leaped from the tree branch to power up its own Tackle attack knocking Volcana into a tree.

“Come on Volcana, show Sentret we mean business with a Leer and Tackle combo!” as soon as these words slipped from his mouth, Volcana Leered down Sentret with glowing yellow eyes, while charging in for a Tackle, making contact and sending Sentret back into the bush it once was hiding in and running off.

“Good job Volcana. You can stay out of your ball for a while.” Replied Rick.

Ricky started to walk into the forest when he heard angry Pokemon growling. Volcana’s backset aflame with a burning ember, then the Sentret that ran away appeared from the bushes. But behind it about 12 Bug Pokemon. Before Ricky could even stutter a order, Volcana had unleashed a round of ember attacks taking out a few green caterpillars with a small V shape on their heads which were Caterpie, at the same time taking out a Pokemon that resembled a caterpillars but had huge red noses and a horn on its head. These Pokemon were Weedle.

“Nice job Volcana, but watch your back!!” cried Ricky as his beloved Pokemon was squished between two Cocoon Pokemon, known as Metapod and Kakuna. Volcana was spinning around dizzily after taking that hard twin tackle a swarm of Beedrill, huge bees with huge stingers for hands and a Poisonous stinger at its rear end rammed into Volcana with a combination of Twin Needle and Fury Attack.

“Damn!! Come on Volcana I know you can do it. Send these buzz balls off with an EMBER ATTACK!!” Ricky screamed at the top of his lungs as his dear friend inhaled deeply to launch a devastating round of embers on the Beedrill which were sent away before being scorched to a crisp. “Nice job Volcana. Seems like we better keep our guard up for now. You can rest on my shoulder so your not cramped in your ball, but first let me spray you with a Potion to heal you up.” Ricky proceeded to take off his bag and unzip a side zipper that held a Potion, which he sprayed on his beaten down Pokemon. After wards the two walked down the path for a few hours or so until they saw their destination, Violet City.

“Finally we made it here after fighting of a swarm of bug Pokemon and a mad a** Sentret. All in all, it was a easy trip.”

‘HA! Easy you say? Getting past me wont be easy, I can assure you of that!” yelled a young voice seemingly out of nowhere until the figure stepped from the bushes and appeared to be a young boy at least at the age of 10. He sported a yellow shirt, blue jeans and a blue hat. “I challenge you to a Pokemon battle.” Declared the young child unclipping a Pokeball from his belt and expanding it in his hand.

“I accept your challenge, but what is your name?”

“Its Kyle, now come on out Metapod!” screamed the young child as a familiar bug Pokemon emerged from its Pokeball.

“Lets do this Volcana. It should be an easy battle since we have the type advantage.” Snickered Ricky. “Burn Metapod to a crisp with Ember!” Volcana quickly flared up its back and shot out a round of small embers that hit its target head on engulfing it in a fire.

“Told ya this be an easy battle.” Boasted Ricky seeing as there was no way for a bug to survive that attack.

“Fool.” Said Kyle

“Huh.”

“METAPOD USE TACKLE ATTACK!” screamed Kyle as his Metapod who was indeed burned came from the fire and landed a good blow to a surprised Cyndaquil to see a still moving Metapod.

“The only was that Metapod could of survived that was if it used a Harden attack to raise its defenses the last minute.” Said Ricky. “Smart, but not enough to take us out, counter back with Quick Attack!”

After shaking off that last blow, Volcana sped off and left a trail of dust as it rammed into the green cocoon sending it skidding back into a tree knocked out.

“Nice job Metapod, but its your turn Rattata!” Kyle had released a purple mouse with long fangs and a curly tail and small feet with blood red eyes.

“Volcana use another Ember attack once more.” Volcana inhaled deeply an spewed a string of embers at its foe, but it dodged the string and launched a Quick Attack at its foe.

“Damn man, use your own Quick Attack then Ember.” After receiving the assault on its side, Volcana launched it self towards the purple mouse and sent it air borne, but Volcana wasn’t finished there. She inhaled deeply a once again spewed a stream of Embers that shot Rattata high into the sky and came back down with a loud THUMP!

“NOOOOO! Return Rattata” exclaimed Kyle as he called back his small rodent and ran off into the distance.

“Yes! Our first Pokemon battle and we won Volcana! Volcana…oh no Volcana what happened?” A worried Ricky rushed on over to his friend who was collapsed on the ground from what appeared to be from exhaustion.

He grabbed Volcana and held her to his chest. Ricky quickly got up and started running toward Violet city. Ricky passed by anyone in the fields, and passed by the many Evergreen trees and Pokemon but didn’t notice the Weedle he steeped on and got stung by.

After passing a lake he jumped over a small rock fence, he ran through the gates and to the Pokemon center.

Ricky burst into the Pokemon center and yelled to Nurse Joy...

“Can you heal my Cyndaquil it’s really hurt from Pokemon it has been fighting today!”

“Oh my gosh I will” Nurse Joy quickly replied as she picked up the Cyndaquil and has Chansey take it away on a stretcher.

Ricky as soon as he saw his Volcana being taken away started to smile, but then fainted in front of the counter

Ace13
19th July 2006, 12:38 AM
Its an okay start but we havent seen geodude battle

coolcobra77
19th July 2006, 1:54 PM
thank you for the comment, hopefully more will read and give other comments, on the newest chapter.

Yami Ryu
19th July 2006, 2:13 PM
Anyways, the second chapter is still flat and feels rushed. You skimpped out in places it would have been better to atleast go in more than half assed about it. Such as the battle of Cyndaquil and Metapod :/

Your attempt at humor only comes off as a bad rip off of the games, the characters still feel eh/shallow/iffy in places, and grammar ... is not improving. I see some missing periods, places where exclimation points or commas would fit better than periods, or places where the old familur speech quotations aka "" are missing.

:/

Leon Phelps
20th July 2006, 1:05 AM
A prolouge may have saved this. All I'm seeing is a bunch of text about a few kids walking around for no reason besides collecting plastic. It may be early in the story but you could have at least kept your readers interested with some foreshadowing. People like plots to go along with the stories that they read. The curse words were random and pointless. It works in some fics but it just looks odd in this case.

Overall, I could care less about the characters and their midget Pokemon right now. OT fics without a good back story to go along with it just aren't enjoyable anymore. You need to add twists, surprises, and emotion. This was just boring. Sorry, I'm telling you the truth. I'll wait around for the next chapter though to give you a fair chance and time to improve.

Cobra, Yami Ryu's a girl! LOL!!

~Leon P.

coolcobra77
20th July 2006, 1:16 AM
thank you for your views and comments they are all considered and sorry I can't tell if it's a girl or a boy just by their name I'm bad with names like that.

I still can't tell peoples race by their name either, it's just hard for me like that.

ShamanJewel
20th July 2006, 4:47 PM
I dont remember a hillside or geodude being near New Bark or CherryGrove or even a fence in Violet City and also why use Quilava in all the battles even rookies know they shouldnt do that! You should have known to use Geodude.

coolcobra77
20th July 2006, 10:06 PM
Your Questions will be answered :

1. There is a house which houses a guard, and beyond it there are Geodude.

2. It's my fan-fic, He will get more pokemon but not yet

3. I haven't used Quilava once in the whole story

Please know what your talking about before you review or post random comments

coolcobra77
24th July 2006, 10:21 PM
Please give a warm welcome to the new member of the Fan-fic, Ranger Registeel who will be one of the Editors, helping me and Hoenn Warrio make this fan-fic more popular

Ranger Registeel
24th July 2006, 11:17 PM
Its Ranger Registeel -_-'

coolcobra77
26th July 2006, 11:11 PM
Welcome our 2nd new Editor :Jonouchi
to the Ricky's Journeys Fan fic series

coolcobra77
27th July 2006, 2:07 AM
Chapter 3 : Fire and Wings, Showdown with Falkner : Part 1

Ricky woke up feeling dazed and light headed, Chansey ran out of the room and called in Nurse Joy the moment he woke up. A young woman between her 20-30 walked into the room with a pink nurse uniform and bright red hair.

“What happened to me?” Ricky asked still dazed.

“ It seems a Weedle had poisoned you, do you have any idea how this happened?” Nurse Joy said concerned.

Hearing those words Ricky remembered stepping on a small pokemon on his way to the pokemon center, he thought it must of been a Ratatta but he must’ve been wrong.
Snapping out of the flashback Ricky turned to Joy and quickly asked where is Volcana?

“Oh she is quite all right, but you still need to stay for a couple more days just to make sure you’re stable enough to continue!” Nurse Joy told Ricky, and with that she took out a syringe and stuck it into Ricky’s arm. Ricky felt a sharp pain for a moment and then fell back on the bed to sleep.

Two days later Ricky sat in the Pokemon Center grooming Volcana, Volcana purred as he stroked. Suddenly a boy ran in crying to Nurse Joy, Nurse Joy asked what was wrong and the boy whimpered. Finally the boy stopped for a moment to say that it was Falkner’s doing, Nurse Joy looked as a string snapped inside her head.

Nurse Joy took the pokemon angrily and stood over a machine which was used to heal the pokemon. After Nurse Joy handed his pokemon back Ricky came up to ask why is she so angry at Falkner. Nurse Joy explained how that the number of injuries related to the Gym battles has gone up by one hundred fifty in the last year that Falkner was took over for his father.

Nurse Joy continued to tell this was because Falkner was a ruthless battler, and never let up on his attacks even when the pokemon is clearly unable to battle. Ricky heard these words and something i him snapped also, rage consumed him and thought Falkner will lose no matter what the cost.

Ricky stood outside the Pokemon center looking around the town, seeing the Pokemon Mart in the distance, and to the North a large tower that he was interested to see later but only one thing was on his mind a battle for his badge.

Ricky walked into the cold gym looking at the black and blue paint on the walls with pictures of flying pokemon such as Skarmory, Pidgeot and Dodrio.
Ricky saw double doors at the end of the long hall and walked through just to watch a Butterfree smash into the wall next to him. Scars and cuts were covering the Butterfree, which fainted to the ground as soon as he hit the wall. A small boy ran up and collected the large Butterfly in his arms and ran whimpering away.

Ricky watched as a Pidgeotto landed on a teenagers arm, this was Falkner. Wearing a long blue robe, and sandals the boy didn’t look a day over nineteen. He grinned seeing his newest challenger.

“ You looking for a fight?” Falkner growled at Ricky.

“ I’m not here for a tea party...” Ricky shot back.

“ Smart guy huh? Well it’s one versus one match I choose my Pidgeotto.” Falkner snickered.

“ Then I choose Volcana.” Ricky said, as he pulled out a red and white sphere from a pocket in his gold jacket. Ricky threw the ball onto the stage as it released a small creature with a blue back, littered with red spots.

Volcana’s back erupted with red flames as soon as he realized he was about to battle.

“Pidgeotto quick attack!” Falkner shouted as the bird jet straight at Volcana with a white trail blazing behind him.

Volcana got smashed and flew backwards a few feet before it could recover ground.
Pidgeotto hovered in the air and waited for the next move. Volcana took in a breathe and fired several embers at Pidgeotto. Pidgeotto dodged all except one which hit in the chest sending him sprawling to the ground.

“Volcana tackle!” Ricky hollered, as Volcana rushed to slap the big bird down.

Pidgeotto hovered up and kicked up mud, which blinded Volcana as he raced to get it out of his eyes. Pidgeotto flew straight at the struggling fire pokemon and smashed it up into the air. Volcana finally opened his eyes to see a giant bird flying straight towards him!

Volcana continued his attempt to tackle Pidgeotto, and Volcana collided into Pidgeotto’s stomach. Pidgeotto lost its wind and fell to the ground. Volcana stared at the fallen bird thinking it was over.


“ Wing attack!” Falkner called as Ricky felt puzzled because the pokemon probably couldn’t get up?

Pidgeotto suddenly flew up and its wings started to glow as it glided at Volcana. Volcana was shocked that it could still move, and got smashed into a wall by the on coming attack.

The dust started to clear to reveal and angry pokemon. Volcana took a breathe and fired embers like mad. Pidgeotto started to dodge when it got smashed in the wing by one, then in the face and finally fell to the ground scorched and scarred. Volcana smiled seeing her opponent fall to the ground, and waited to hear her name to be called winner.

A flash came out of where Pidgeotto fell and smashed into Volcana sending him high into the air. Volcana disregarded her trainer and used quick attack to smash into the mad bird. They collided in the head and flew backwards, they suddenly came back colliding again.

They both fell to the ground bruised and battered, neither side could stand up and each time they did they fell down again. Then remarkably they stood up with rage in their eyes to out do each other.

“Wing attack!” Falkner called and Pidgeotto’s wings started to glow again. Pidgeotto flew at Volcana rapidly, Volcana started to run at the on coming bird. Volcana jumped into the air at the last second and began hovering over Pidgeotto for a few seconds, until finally rushing down to tackle Pidgeotto.

Volcana missed and left an impression in the ground, Pidgeotto turned around and flew back. Volcana came up with a new strategy and knew what to do.

Volcana rushed at Pidgeotto again and jumped in the air. This time Volcana rushed to the ground and fired an ember attack at the Pidgeotto flying away. The attack collided with his wing and an explosion occurred. Volcana stared not knowing what to think at all.

Pidgeotto flew out of the top of the large smoke cloud now covering the field. Pidgeotto flew straight at Volcana dodging ember attacks, Pidgeotto suddenly started flinging mud.

The flames on Volcana’s back went out as soon as the dirt touched them, Pidgeotto flew above Volcana and picked her up knowing she won’t be burned. Pidgeotto flew up in the gym and started going around rapidly in circles.

Volcana tried desperately to ignite his back, but to no avail. Ricky stared in horror as Volcana was helpless to react. Pidgeotto then flew low and smashed Volcana into the ground. Volcana weakly stood up searching around the room for her attacker.

Pidgeotto hovered several feet above him and then grabbed Volcana by the back again. Volcana grinned and then enflamed her back , Pidgeotto let Volcana loose as his feet were burned badly. Volcana dropped to the ground and fired another ember, striking Pidgeotto’s wings.

Pidgeotto started to fall to the ground like it was going to faint, then as it was about to hit the ground it veered up and flew straight at Volcana. Pidgeotto’s wings started to glow as he glided, and smashed into Volcana leaving cuts on her body.

Pidgeotto came back and jabbed at Volcana with his claws, Volcana jumped left and right dodging each attempt, then jumped backwards and tackled Pidgeotto to the ground. Both pokemon stared each other down, finally Pidgeotto made a move.

“Quick attack!” Ricky called as Pidgeotto blazed at Volcana.

Volcana and Pidgeotto collided head to head and started to flail around the room not being able to hold their ground. Pidgeotto shook out of the daze first and flew into Volcana sending her high in the air.

Ricky watched to see Pidgeotto unleash an un merciful rage of attacks at Volcana.
Pidgeotto released quick attacks at every angle of Volcana and finished it by smashing Volcana into the ground.

“Pidgeotto finish this... sky bomb!” Falkner called to his bird pokemon.

Pidgeotto flew in circles gaining speed and turning red, and more red each time around. Pidgeotto stopped in the air looking as red as a chili pepper, and then rushed down leaving a blazing trail behind him.

Ricky looked at Volcana scarred, bruised and covered in cuts. Ricky pulled out a pokeball and recalled Volcana. No sooner than the white silhouette of a Cyndaquil left the field, Pidgeotto came crashing down.

Flames, dust, dirt and rubble erupted from the crash site as a destroyed Pidgeotto flew back on his master’s shoulders.

“Go home, with the way you fight you’re never getting a badge here!” Falkner snickered and pointed towards the exit.

“ I will be back, and next time I’m not leaving without a badge, I SWEAR IT.” Ricky shot back at Falkner as he walked out holding Volcana’s pokeball in shame.

Yami Ryu
27th July 2006, 2:24 AM
... you know ... I don't know if you are trying ... or if you are just trying to not improve :/ your chapter had a great potential for everything I've been at you over, and yet ... you let it fall flat on its face. Maybe you should read a few damn 5 star fics to maybe get the point I'm trying to throw at you :/

And by the way, I would think you would know by now not to double post :/

Ace13
27th July 2006, 5:01 AM
Okay not trying to be mean but wise go to Advice for aspiring authorsor if you have already read that already then go to the auhtors cafe

Peace

ShamanJewel
27th July 2006, 6:24 AM
Theres no problem with double-posting. And I liked the story but man was it long!

Zephyr Flare
27th July 2006, 1:09 PM
There is if it's a pointless bump post like that, your post was not any better and stands as soembody who ahs not even read the fanfiction and is trying to up post count :/ Can't bleat one thing and do another.

I'm still seeing lack of improvement myself, just skit reading and that last bit had the chance for suspsence WOMG stuff and... no didn;t happen. It fell flat on it's face.

If you have actually read the advice thread, scoot on over to the Author's Cafe. Further help can be given there a little more insightful byu a broader range of people to nail WHY you keep flattening every high just before it hits its best.

Sandra

Leon Phelps
27th July 2006, 3:02 PM
Theres no problem with double-posting. And I liked the story but man was it long!
Um, yeah there is. First of all it's against the RULES so go read them dammit, but I won't take up space explaining it to you. And no this wasn't long.

Cobra... It looks like you thought the chapter through but felt too lazy to put any effort in it. The battle could have been great, if you had actually described, A LOT more. You're still supposed to let us know what the Pokemon look like. And where was Ricky the whole time? What was he feeling? Give him emotions and personality! If you do he won't be so boring!

You really really rushed the beginning of the story. I feel as if you had him randomly wake up in the Pokemon Center to get out of telling the readers what the city actually looked like. There was hardly any dialouge between the nurse and Ricky so you decided to be lazy and type this:

Nurse Joy explained how that the number of injuries related to the Gym battles has gone up by one hundred fifty in the last year that Falkner was took over for his father.
Honestly, it's okay to have people talk and communicate. You really missed out on giving Ricky some personality too, which could have been brought out with actual dialouge. What really ****** me off though was how you made Falkner WAY out of character. He isn't badass and he isn't evil.

I won't advertise any fics but please read around to see what people are looking for and take the advice that has been giving to you. If you need more help go to the Author's Cafe. There are a lot of people who would give you more advice.

I'm glad that you didn't quit. Just keep your head up and try again until you get it right.

Jonouchi
27th July 2006, 3:16 PM
I know I'm your new beta, but it will also help if you took the advice I gave you in that PM.

There's no need to rush. Take your time, let them wait for all I care, better to type a slow pace than a poorly rushed fic, IMO

Remember what i said.

Hoenn Warrior
27th July 2006, 8:05 PM
What really ****** me off though was how you made Falkner WAY out of character. He isn't badass and he isn't evil.


First off thanks for reviewing and making some positive comments, but we dont need to keep Falkner's character the same. It is a story after all and a few changes and twists can be added to make the story more interesting.

Hoenn Warrior
27th July 2006, 8:10 PM
What really ****** me off though was how you made Falkner WAY out of character. He isn't badass and he isn't evil.

I'm glad that you didn't quit. Just keep your head up and try again until you get it right.


Dont forget that this is OUR story, and we are allowed to change up the personalities of the people whether they would be gym leaders or common characters just to make things more interesting. More will be told later on though.

Yami Ryu
27th July 2006, 8:15 PM
First off thanks for reviewing and making some positive comments, but we dont need to keep Falkner's character the same. It is a story after all and a few changes and twists can be added to make the story more interesting.

:/ actually if you want happy readers it's usually best to keep a character that's not your own, In Character. I mean Falkner isn't like that in the games, or anime. And I doubt he's like that in the manga :/ or maybe he is. But if no one reads the manga- and you never said his personality was based off the Manga him, then I doubt this is Falkner in any way save name.

Anyone can twist a characters personality to make them be 'interesting'. A real writer tries to keep them in character as best as possible :/ unless it's a parody or something.

Which this isn't.

How would you feel if I made a story, with your character, but changed him to be interesting, and like made him an emo gay kid that emo'd all day. :/ see? You wouldn't like it much either.

You don't have to keep a character I.C all the way. It's pretty impossible if you aren't an obsessive fan. And sometimes O.O.C characters are better than the ones in the anime/manga. Like fanfiction!Sasuke. Most are better than Anime!Sasuke and Manga!Sasuke as he's not so much of an *******. :x but then again it has its drawbacks, as like this falkner someone twists him into something so horrible you want to hiss at it and smash it with a rock.

Anyways there's a difference between making a character more interesting, and flat out, outright going out and slaughtering a well known character. If you wanted someone cruel and etc, you could have used different gym leaders. Like maybe the sons/daughters/nieces/nephews of the standard gym leaders.

:/

Edit: Hoenn Warrior, double posting is against the rules ;/ there's an edit feature. Use it.

Leon Phelps
27th July 2006, 8:38 PM
Dont forget that this is OUR story, and we are allowed to change up the personalities of the people whether they would be gym leaders or common characters just to make things more interesting. More will be told later on though.
Okay, my bad. If that's the case then I would really like to know why Falkner is mad at the world then. Just don't miss this opportuniy to add some depth to his character. Good luck with the next chapter.

Ranger Registeel
28th July 2006, 6:55 PM
Falkner's character reminds me of Anime Lt. Surge. Didn't he cause a bunch of kids to have Pokemon in the center?

UltaFlame
28th July 2006, 7:47 PM
i was thinking how ricky had nothing to do with the battle. i don't have any idea what he's doing. and it's all off-the-wall to me. i don't understand it at all. more descripton would be nice. what the he*k is his purpose what does he want to do. theres no plot or plot twists a story should have many plot twists like falkner being impersonated and held hostage ever since he 'took over' the gym. also volcana is way to inexperienced (that we know of) to be able to hold his own agains an EVOLVED AND VERY EXPERIENCED pokemon so how does it do it really. also he attacked and suddenly he is full of rage wtf is up with that.

Chaos Rush
30th July 2006, 12:48 AM
I just don't like to read this somehow...(Mine was a flop too, so I'll remake mine, once I learn a few more things...) and this fic is no where near PG-13. I think its either G, or PG. And also I just don't like the way how you described Falkner...

Leon Phelps
30th July 2006, 4:10 AM
theres no plot or plot twists a story should have many plot twists like falkner being impersonated and held hostage ever since he 'took over' the gym. also volcana is way to inexperienced (that we know of) to be able to hold his own agains an EVOLVED AND VERY EXPERIENCED pokemon so how does it do it really. also he attacked and suddenly he is full of rage wtf is up with that.
Man I thought there was a new chapter or something... You don't know what you're talking about do you? There won't be any plot twists when the story just started. I'm not saying that there shouldn't be, just don't expect one so soon. Quilava is also an evolved Pokemon so why can't it hold its own? It did lose ya know. The battle was thought out well, just not choreographed perfectly so give them a break.


I just don't like to read this somehow...
You're not reviewing or leaving a relevant post so why are you posting then? Give the guys some time to get better and if your fic flopped then you get better yourself.

coolcobra77
30th July 2006, 7:03 PM
ok, there are some more life-threatning stuff later in the story, and sometimes I do use profanity.

About Battles:

And I try to stay away from the:

"Ricky ordered Volcana to tackle," This hit ? hard and then... seems boring.

I'm trying to put more feelings on Ricky during battles, but I don't want every sentance during a battle to be a command.

I'd rather have the battle flow, with very little trainer orders. If you need to compare it think of the battle palace in the battle frontier.

The pokemon choose the moves they use, all you do is tell them to fight. This fic's battles operate in much the same way, except rarely a trainer might direct the pokemon to use a specific attack.

I mean if you got in a fight with a person, would your friend tell you what to do?, No you would do it on your own.

Hoenn Warrior:
I think he was talking about Falkner's pidgeotto, not Volcana.

Yami Ryu
30th July 2006, 8:06 PM
I have only seen one fic pull off the 'trainer doesn't tell pokemon what to do to attack', well. And it was a dark fic. It was a very dark fic. It was a fic where the trainer didn't give a crap about the pokemon mostly, and if they couldn't be smart enough to choose the right moves, oh well.

But Coolcobra, your 'excuse' for this, is bad. So what if one part of the Battle Frontier has the pokemon attacking on their own. With how they attack is based off their nature and etc. :/ it's not really based on how you trained it and etc. And if battling is gonna be like that, why are people gonna know the moves the pokemon use? Pokemon battling isn't just between two pokemon- :/ what, the trainer isn't gonna try and help his buddy out?


I mean if you got in a fight with a person, would your friend tell you what to do?, No you would do it on your own.

Actually I've been in a fight with a person, and yes, his friends did shout at him ideas for attacking, and he did use some of them :/ so that doesn't hold water either.


"Ricky ordered Volcana to tackle," This hit ? hard and then... seems boring.

I'm trying to put more feelings on Ricky during battles, but I don't want every sentance during a battle to be a command.

Then you could have the trainers shout 'zomg attack do your best!' and then describe the battles. But you barely even go into the battles, and anyways, you proved that this isn't the case as you had Falkner and Ricky shout battle commands. So all I feel from this is a weak excuse as to why the battles suck and etc :/

Stop making excuses Coolcobra and actually do something about improving --;

Leon Phelps
30th July 2006, 9:28 PM
^You're misunderstanding him. His philosophy is right but it just hasn't been done that well yet. He's trying to describe each pokemon's motions rather than having commands every other sentence. I try to do the same thing because I believe that "Use Tackle!" "Dodge!" slows down the pace of the battle.

Cobra, you and your partner are going to have to expand your vocabulary in order for this style of writing to work. Seeing the same verbs and adjectives over and over again can get boring. Also, watch some action anime to get some ideas of how a fight should go. I recommend Zatch Bell(similar to Pokemon) or Naruto.

coolcobra77
30th July 2006, 9:50 PM
Yami:

- Sorry, I was basing off my experience with fights that I've been in or watched, none of the person's friends ever told him what to do.

- Finally straight forward advice, "zomg attack, do your best!" Might work I'll try it.

- Barely go into battles... more than half of each chapter is usually a battle.

Leon:

-I will watch some of those anime you suggested, see how they go and try to adapt. it's sitll very early in the story.

-I will have to find more adjectives, and verbs to describe other than dodge, or roll, or spin or watever.

Yami Ryu
30th July 2006, 10:01 PM
- Barely go into battles... more than half of each chapter is usually a battle.

...

You clearly do not understand then. What you do, is not go into the battle. You let people know a battle is happening, but you don't get into the blood and sweat of the battle. The soul of it. What you're doing makes me think of what is happening to the jetix dub of Naruto, to an extent.

The pokemon really didn't feel pain, show emotion or etc when battling. And you put in the barest ammount of effort into the small paragraphs. What you're doing is just doing the bare backbone of description of what the pokemon are doing and etc and well. :/ maybe you should really go read some 5 star trainer fics, where there are battles in there. Just because a freakin battle takes up half a chapter, doesn't mean it's good.

UltaFlame
31st July 2006, 1:41 AM
yeah in my earlier post i was talking about Falkners Pidgeotto when i said EVOLVED. also you said you try to make him feel emotion more than battle you did all pokemon battle no trainer emotions. also your trainer barely give command thing falkner told pidgeotto what to do quite often. AND FOR THE SAKE OF SANITY VOLCANA"S NON-EVOLVED STATE IS WHY PIDGEOTTO SHOULD'VE TORN HIM APART! also he should be smarter in battle and use more than one pokemon and maybe pend some time with his pokemon training. maybe then he could win a battle against a gym leader also from the points you'vee given me in the 2-3 battles he's been in VOLCANA SHOULD HAVE FAINTED AfTER ONE OR TWO ATTACKS BECAUSE HE IS SO INEXPERIENCED IN A FIGHT. battle spirit? doesn't do much if his body is so exhausted it could sleep for a day. i don't care if he had the will to get up from a hyper beam if his body is to badly hurt he couldn't get up. and omg pidgeotto survived being destroyed how'd that happen?

coolcobra77
31st July 2006, 3:54 AM
Well I am trying to put more emotion into the trainers in upcoming battles, when I wrote these and sent them to my editors I wasn't given the advice I have now.


Ok like people said before, the ending was bad... It started out then flopped into something that couldn't,shouldn't, and wouldn't ever happen.

But they are inexperienced and thats exactly why they lost, but fainting after 1 or 2 attacks that wouldn't happen either.

This fic is about the growth of this trainer, remember wisdom comes with age.

Hoenn Warrior
31st July 2006, 3:39 PM
yeah in my earlier post i was talking about Falkners Pidgeotto when i said EVOLVED. also you said you try to make him feel emotion more than battle you did all pokemon battle no trainer emotions. also your trainer barely give command thing falkner told pidgeotto what to do quite often. AND FOR THE SAKE OF SANITY VOLCANA"S NON-EVOLVED STATE IS WHY PIDGEOTTO SHOULD'VE TORN HIM APART! also he should be smarter in battle and use more than one pokemon and maybe pend some time with his pokemon training. maybe then he could win a battle against a gym leader also from the points you'vee given me in the 2-3 battles he's been in VOLCANA SHOULD HAVE FAINTED AfTER ONE OR TWO ATTACKS BECAUSE HE IS SO INEXPERIENCED IN A FIGHT. battle spirit? doesn't do much if his body is so exhausted it could sleep for a day. i don't care if he had the will to get up from a hyper beam if his body is to badly hurt he couldn't get up. and omg pidgeotto survived being destroyed how'd that happen?


My mistake UltaFlame. I accidently misunderstood what you were saying in your earlier post and yes Ricky will be using more Pokemon soon in all of his battles besides Volcana.

UltaFlame
31st July 2006, 6:33 PM
but pidgeooto had a severe advantage and it would make snese with the fact that Volcana was banged agaist the wall and hit with an attack he had no idea how to face maybe have him go fight some wild fkying types so Volcana and Ricky have more experience fighting flying types

coolcobra77
31st July 2006, 10:12 PM
don't worry he'll be fighting flying types, and stuff that flies soon.

UltaFlame
31st July 2006, 10:43 PM
but i am saying they should fight flying types to get a feel on how they should fight Falkner and don't make a pokemon with next to no battle experience be uber powerful and can stand up to the odds and nearly overcome them i mean if you do that then bye the time he has the same amount of battle experience Falkner has he could defeat Clair and the entire Elite Four easily if they all attacked him at once with just Volcana so please don't do that.

coolcobra77
2nd August 2006, 2:36 AM
Chapter 3: Fire and Wings: Showdown with Falkner Part 2

Ricky was depressed as he sat at the Pokemon Center while running through his mind his losing battle against Falkner. Ricky pondered on the whole reason he left on his Pokemon Journey in the first place. Sure getting away from his mother was important, but there was a greater reason for him leaving his hometown and traveling across Johto. He always wanted to prove to his older brother that he was just as good, no, even better than him in training Pokemon and to show him that he was stronger than he gave him credit for. Ricky knew he wasn’t weak, and wanted to prove that to his brother Blake and everyone else.

Ricky started to remember a time long ago when he was only five the day that he started to detest his brother for being better than him.

………………………………………………………………….

“What is that weird looking Caterpie?” asked an innocent looking Ricky with a few missing teeth as he pointed to it for Blake to see.

“That isn’t a Caterpie stupid... it’s a Weedle” Blake snickered at his younger brothers lack of knowledge on Pokemon.

“If you’re so smart what’s the difference?” Ricky shot back spewing small traces from his mouth.

“Well for one the color, dumb ***.” Blake told Ricky rolling his eyes while wiping the small spit that came from his brother off of his face.

“I’m telling mom you swore again!” Ricky groaned.

Blake’s green eyes widened, as he remembered what happen last time he swore at his brother. Blake started to stutter as he rubbed his rump from the last time he got spanked. The thought alone brought back a swelling pain to his rear end.

“How about I tell you all I know about that Weedle and you not tell mom?” Blake stuttered. “Well Weedle is a bug, and poison Pokemon, native to most forest, and evolves into Beedrill.” Blake said quickly hoping his brother would be satisfied.

“Still telling mom loser!” Ricky snickered, as he ran through the field, which was filled with Lilies, and small weeds that protruded from the small shrubs.

Blake ran after knowing he could easily catch his younger brother. He tackled Ricky to the ground. Ricky looked up to his brothers green eyes flaring up in anger. Ricky started to laugh hysterically laying on the White Lilies and some small weeds.

Blake pulled his younger brother up, and punched him in the gut, which caused Ricky’s head to reel forward and let lose a considerable amount of spit from his mouth to fly past Blake’s head and to land on the field.

Ricky groaned in agony while clenching his gut, but was able to deliver a swift uppercut to Blake’s jaw. He quickly retaliated by sending a fist into his brother’s jaw. Ricky was able to role underneath the blow and lands another swift blow not only to Blake’s right cheek, but one under his arm.

With his emerald green eyes burning with much anger, Blake proceeded to grab the small and tender arm of his brother and flipped him over on to his back.

Ricky looked up to see an orange glowing sun over Blake, making him look like an angel almost. Ricky knew what he was about to do was quite the opposite. Blake kicked Ricky in the stomach, then once again in the face. Ricky stood up crying and his nose dripped when a crimson blood dropped to the ground. Ricky looked at the red stained lily, and held his nose knowing he was bleeding.

“You’ll never beat me, you’ll always be second and never stronger than me.” Blake roared at Ricky. Blake grabbed his arm and walked towards the small brown cottage with a black smoke being released from the top, this was the place they called home.

……….

Ricky held an ice pack to his head, as he heard Blake being yelled at by his mother. Blake counted himself lucky. Their mother was nice but hated when they beat up each other, Ricky and Blake had no dinner and were grounded for a week.

………………………………………………………………….

Ricky went into more deep thoughts as he pondered. What if he couldn’t be better than his brother? Would he always be stuck in his brother’s shadow? Would he always be second best to him and not first? No matter how much he tried the thoughts of failing filled his mind, if he couldn’t beat Falkner how could he beat any other gym leader? Then more importantly how could he ever beat his brother... the great Pokemon trainer?

Ricky pulled out a solid crystal Pokeball. He thought of how he felt when he got it. It was a normal day in the quiet New Bark Town. His brother sent him gifts from lands like the Gyarados tooth from Lake of Rage, or the snow globe made from snow from the famous Ice Caves. Then this package came, he found the normal card telling Ricky and Mom how he was doing.

Then Ricky looked for his souvenir, but instead found a shining ball. He found a note inside that it was made from a glassmaker in the foothills of a volcano in Hoenn. Blake had to collect allot of soot for the man to get this little item, and he said it could catch ANY Pokemon. Blake told him in the note to only use it on a rare or valuable Pokemon, and not on a Caterpie slithering by the door!

Ricky told himself that he would keep it forever and only use it on the Rarest Pokemon he’ll ever meet. Ricky came out of the flashback and thought, would he ever find the Rarest Pokemon?

He was quickly taken away from his deep thoughts as a girl walked into the Pokemon Center. She sported and short pink skirt, which revealed her slender legs, which shined when the sunlight had hit it due to it, was glossed down with lotion. She also had on pink shoes that were striped small blue streaks that were slightly visible from where he was. She also sported a short-sleeved blue t-shirt with a small pink star in the center, where the sleeves went down to her elbows, but the shirt partially exposed her stomach revealing her bellybutton. As a hormonal enraged teenager he couldn’t help but notice her developed chest. On top of that she had long flowing pink hair that went past her shoulders that matched her pink eyes.

Ricky had one heck of a good guess on who this was, but wanted to make sure if he was right.

"Can you heal my Chikorita, Nurse Joy?" the girl asked.

"Certainly, Jessica. You've been doing quite a bit of training lately," Nurse Joy replied.

"Yeah, I heard that Falkner is brutal. I wanted little Chicky here to be as strong as possible," Jessica said happily.

"Jessica... is that you?" Ricky sputtered.

“Oh my god, it's you, Ricky!" Jessica screamed as she ran over and hugged Ricky tightly.

"Yeah, I missed you too. So how's it going?" Ricky tried to say while gazing towards at his beautiful comrade from top to bottom and back again. He had continued this process until Jessica had snapped him back to his senses.

“Hey! Stop staring me down like that. Your acting as if you never seen me before.” Exclaimed Jessica, as she was blushing beet red. “Well have you heard, a trainer almost beat Falkner yesterday? He was using a Cyndaquil. They had to close down the Gym the rest of the day!" Jessica said.

"Wow, I thought he didn't break a sweat... I can't believe I made him close the Gym," Ricky said, puzzled.

An astonished Jessica looked on at her friend since she couldn’t believe what she had heard. “It was you that nearly defeated Falkner? Well Im impressed! I’ve been here training my butt off for this match, and you waltz on in and nearly take him out on your first try?” Jessica exclaimed.

“Hey, I did battle quite a few trainers and was ambushed by a pack of Pokemon. So yeah I didn’t think I was strong enough to get Falkner to close the gym down.” Ricky replied still a bit shocked to hear that the gym was closed.

“Well that’s Falkner for you never shows his feelings.” Jessica replied looking down at her shoes.

“How would you know?” Ricky asked feeling more confused than ever.

“Well I used to go to the Pokemon Academy when I was only six.” Jessica started.

“Sometimes Professor Earl would let us watch some of Falkner’s battles, and we watched how brutal he was.” Jessica said feeling starting to be sad.

“He always kept his feelings to himself, he usually never let his sadness or anger over-take him in battle, alone, in life.” Jessica mourned.

“Why are you getting so sad?” Ricky whispered hoping not to bring any attention to them.

“Well the reason Falkner is so brutal, and hates the world is so sad.” Jessica sputtered starting to sob.

“Him and his parents were taking a trip to Goldenrod city and when they passed through the Ilex forest when a marauding band of Scythers attacked. His mom and dad released their Pokemon and began to battle, but when one Scyther tried to attack Falkner his mother took the blow instead.” Jessica began to say and cried her eyes out.

“She was cut in half, and Falkner watched as she fell to the ground blood all over his robes, The Scyther was destroyed by his fathers Skarmory but Falkner never got over it.” Jessica sobbed.

“Falkner hated the world for taking his mother and to get back at bug Pokemon became a trainer of their mortal enemies... birds.” Jessica sputtered and finally calmed down.

“ Wow I never knew...” Ricky choked out.

“Well since you’re the one who almost beat him, I’d get some good training out of battling you. I challenge you Ricky to a Pokemon battle.” Jessica shouted and made all the trainers look in disgust how she just broke the silence and tranquility of the Pokemon Center.

"I accept! Let's go!" Ricky replied.

The two walked outside to a battleground and released their Pokemon. The all-familiar Volcana appeared from the Pokeball in a flash of light and quickly lit it’s back aflame to begin the battle.

On the other side a light green Pokemon with big red eyes and a green leaf on its head had emerged from its Pokeball. Ricky could tell right off the bat it was a Grass Type, but just to be on the safe side he quickly took out his Pokedex and scanned the new creature that was about to face his Pokemon.

“Chikorita, The Leaf Pokemon. In battle, Chikorita waves its leaf around to keep the foe at bay. However, a sweet fragrance also wafts from the leaf, becalming the battling Pokemon and creating a cozy, friendly atmosphere all around.” Replied the Pokedex as it droned out the information in a techno male voice.

“Gotta watch out for that leaf.” Murmured Ricky as he surveyed his opponent.

“I have the type advantage here, so I am not losing another battle here today” Ricky boasted.

"I learned a thing or two about not thinking about type advantage at the Sprout Tower... I might win," Jessica replied with a smile.

“Volcana go in for a Quick Attack!”

Volcana shot across the field with her head tilted down low ready to make contact with her opponent, but Chicky remained calm and seemed almost too happy for her foe to be coming to her. Volcana was only a mere 2 meters away from making one direct and critical blow to Chicky only when Jessica mustered up one smile that seemed to scream out “Gotcha.”

“NOW STRIKE WITH RAZOR LEAF!” Jessica screamed instantly. Volcana was just about to make contact when Chicky had swayed that huge leaf on her head around and shot out several sharp leaves directly at Volcana.

“Damn!, Ricky cursed under his breathe, I should have seen that coming from that leaf.” Ricky exclaimed as the Razor Leaf buffeted his Pokemon, which was just about at Point Blank Range directly in the face and around both sides of his beloved friend.

“Follow up with Tackle attack Chicky!” Jessica hollered immediately, but seemed as if the command wasn’t needed as Chicky was on the verge of making contact with Fire Mouse Pokemon.

“Move it or lose it Volcana!” Ricky screamed as his ally. Volcana quickly raised her head only to see nothing more than a green blur ram straight into her and send her skidding back to Ricky’s side of the field.

“Are you sure you were the one with the Cyndaquil that nearly beet Falkner?” Jessica asked with a little smirk on her face. “Cause the way you are battling sure doesn’t seem enough to take down Falkner.”

“Oh so you going to mock my skill as a Trainer since you were able to get in a few lucky blows eh?” Ricky exclaimed. “Well let’s see if all your training can help you against this.
Volcana counter back with Leer!” The eyes of Volcana lit up to a violent yellow, which took Chicky by surprise.

“That isn’t enough to stop me Ricky, use Razor Leaf!”

“Smokescreen!”

Immediately right after Chicky launched another hurdle of leaves towards Volcana, a pitch-black smoke erupted from the mouth of Volcana shrouding the field in a blanket of smoke.

“Now Volcana, Quick Attack!” hollered Ricky. Out of the smoke Volcana jumped out just like a Jack In a Box would pop out and nailed Chicky dead sending it rolling back as if it was a spin cycle in the washing machine.

“Don’t let up on her, finish this with EMBER!” Ricky cried as Volcana inhaled deeply and spewed forth what seemed like an endless round of embers, while Jessica looked on petrified, as she knew this was the end of the match. The volley of embers singed the light green skin of Chicky and turned it dark brown as a singed Chikorita lay on the floor with swirls in its eyes.

“Return Volcana.” Ricky said as a red light shot forth from the Pokeball and engulfed it back in side. “You were amazing out there you need a good rest.”

“Don’t worry Chicky, we are going to get them the next time, but right now you need some rest so return.” Exclaimed Jessica, as the same red light took in her fallen Pokemon.

“Well you indeed are strong Ricky, and that combination of Smokescreen and Quick Attack was amazing!” Jessica exclaimed as she smiled proudly at her rival and long time friend.

“Hey you were good your self Jessica. You hammered it to me well with that Razor Leaf and Tackle combo.” Ricky said all the while blushing not because of the comment but on how beautiful Jessica was.

“Oh ya, where is this Sprout Tower? I could use the training for my re-match with Falkner.” Ricky said.

"Well, it's just North of here, that large tower just past the Pokemon Academy," Jessica said while pointing to the tower over the trees, in the horizon.

"I hope to see ya later. I want to check out those cool ruins outside of town with you and I might come for your re-match to cheer my favorite boy on.” Jessica exclaimed as she hugged Ricky tightly once more and planted a small kiss on his cheek. “Well see ya soon. I’ll take you somewhere intresting!" Jessica said as she walked away leaving a stunned Ricky to hold his left cheek where the kiss had landed on.

“Does she like me more than a friend, or is she just super nice to me? Ricky pondered as he watched the angel like figure walk down the road.

“I’ll figure that out later, cause I don’t know how I feel about her. Time to conquer the Sprout Tower... hopefully we'll be strong enough to beat Falkner," Ricky said as he walked to the brown and white building called the Sprout Tower.

SPIKE06
2nd August 2006, 3:32 AM
Ricky groaned in agony while clenching his gut, but was able to deliver a swift uppercut to Blake’s jaw, but he quickly retaliated by sending a fist into his brother’s jaw but, was able to role underneath the blow and lands another swift blow not only to Blake’s right cheek, but one under his arm.

wouldnt hurt to make seperate sentences instead of one super long sentence


Ricky stood up crying and his nose dripped when a crimson red fluid fell to the ground.

not a good sentence... seems like your being to wordy.

I'm still reading this but i see your getting better slowly but surely.Let us wait for other opinions.


As a guy he couldn’t notice her developed “chest”.
as a guy i kinda feel embarrassed by this and also the fact that you quoted it which i find unnecessary

From what little i got, Jessica seems moody or over sensitive (i dunno)

I know this is lame at best but keep working at it. you get better with practice
Your punctuation is pretty good but try not to be excessive in your wording

Yami Ryu
2nd August 2006, 4:14 AM
wouldnt hurt to make seperate sentences instead of one super long sentence

It's called 'not a paragraph yet not a scentence', and anyways :/ what's wrong with paragraphs. This is one of the problems with fics now a days posted here >>

Coolcobra: You're finally starting to improve ... but something about the chapter is still off. It's still lacking. I can't easily put my finger on it, but it's there. Lurking.

coolcobra77
2nd August 2006, 4:16 AM
I changed it a little so some of the things you pointed out don't exist anymore, so check it for yourself.

SPIKE06
2nd August 2006, 5:00 AM
its good you are starting to approve Yami Ryu. He has direction but it still falls short I also feel that its lacking something but who knows what it is.

NOW heres the problem

Ricky stood up crying and his nose dripped when a crimson blood dropped to the ground.

thats still not quite right but simply leave it and keep goin or fix it at your leisure

edit: the champ is here

Hoenn Warrior
2nd August 2006, 1:29 PM
\
not a good sentence... seems like your being to wordy.

as a guy i kinda feel embarrassed by this and also the fact that you quoted it which i find unnecessary




First off we were not bein excessive in our wording if you were taking the time to read other stories on the site, and besides if you truly are a guy you would know that some guys do that kind of behaviour. You may find it unnecessary but that is just too bad you feel embarased.

Thanks to Yami Ryu for the Positive review.

SPIKE06
2nd August 2006, 3:49 PM
First off the wording is not the problem. Some sentences, when read kind of sound iffy and sometimes should be reworded or putting a word and the synonym together. (Though that was once) I was a little embarrassed because, who likes their flaws pointed at them and singling out chest with quotes is still unnecessary.
What is this, August, I've been here for the past eight and a half months reading other stories. One in particular, you also like.

coolcobra77
2nd August 2006, 10:28 PM
Ok... get over it I changed that small remark to make it more believe able and understandable.

We weren't talking about flaws at all... and the quoting was slightly un needed. It's changed get over it.

SPIKE06
2nd August 2006, 10:44 PM
its fine. I was just nitpicking.It tends to happen sometimes excuse me.

coolcobra77
3rd August 2006, 10:32 PM
Chapter 4: Part 1: Conquering Bellsprout Tower

Ricky stood in front of a large brown and white five story tower. This was the Sprout Tower, where his cru... I mean friend Jessica trained up her Chikorita.

“So this is the Sprout Tower. Not as impressive as I thought,” Ricky snickered

Ricky walked into the building and took a look around. There was a tourist in a green Hawaii shirt and blue jeans taking pictures. A brown staircase to his far right leading upstairs.

He was then immediately approached by a bald monk in blue robes.

“To progress further up in the tower you must battle me,” The monk whispered to Ricky

“Fine. I’ll take you on,” Ricky replied with an eager look on his face.

Ricky sent out his Volcana, and it's back exploded on fire. The Monk threw his pokeball which exploded in a white light. What appeared to be a plant using it's roots appeared. A bright yellow head, with small black eyes, and a gaping mouth showed it was a Bellsprout.

"Volcana fire ember!" Rikcy shouted.

Volcana fired an ember attack but Bellsprout easily twisted his body and it missed him. Bellsprout sent out its vines and captured Volcana leaving no way to escape. Volcana tried to use ember attack. Unfortunately it missed, but it succeeded in making Bellsprout release its hold on Volcana.

"Volcana try to take it down with tackle." Ricky told his fire mouse.

Volcana tried to tackle but Bellsprout’s rubber body didn’t allow a finger to touch it. Bellsprout used razor leaf and it hit Volcana in the leg. Volcana was still able to quick attack Bellsprout, but it once again missed. This time Bellsprout used its vine to try and capture Volcana but Volcana side jumped and fired an ember. The direct hit on Bellsprout burned its vine right off. Bellsprout started to panic and this let Volcana charge in and tackle it. But Bellsprout acted as it didn’t even feel it.

A razor leaf came spinning at Volcana and it quickly dodged, but Bellsprout kept firing the leaves giving no opening for Volcana. Finally Volcana fired ember, burning the leaves to a crisp. Then she charged her back flame up until it was almost 6 ft tall, then put all the fire into one attack and burned Bellsprout to a crisp.

“Good battle you may continue to the top of the tower where you can fight the master,” The Monk peacefully said and walked away.

Ricky climbed up the staircase to the second floor and started to walk to the ladder on the other side of the room. Then Ricky felt a weird sensation, like someone was following him. Ricky took his pokeball from his gold jacket pocket and turned quickly. Nothing was there. He finally found the ladder and went up.

Then a purple fog rolled in out of nowhere, Ricky gripped his pokeball even tighter. The fog moved away to reveal large white eyes staring him down.
Ricky almost fell down at the sight, but it was revealed to be a Gastly. Ricky turned to escape only to find two more ghost blocking his escape.

Ricky called out his Volcana. She tried to tackle the Gastly but it disappeared when Volcana tried.


Volcana fell to the wooden floor with a THUD, while the Gastly she tried to attack re-appeared. Suddenly a black lightning bolt shot out of the Gastly’s eyes and hit Ricky hard in the chest making him fall to his knees clutching his chest.

"A night shade, god it hurts like hell." Ricky was able to mutter.

Volcana got angry and fired an ember but Gastly just disappeared to dodge the attack. Gastly floated over to the other two Gastly. Suddenly the other two Gastly started to fire night shade from their eyes hitting Volcana hard.

One of the Gastly tried to fire again but this time Volcana side stepped it and fired a stronger ember back. This struck Gastly squarely in the eyes. The Gastly began to float around in circles with its eyes becoming more red and puffy until it finally disappeared into thin air.

Ricky started to back up as one of the Gastly came toward him and fired another night shade from its eyes, but luckily Ricky stepped out of the path. Ricky could barely stand up, while he clutched his chest in pain. The Gastly kept launching attacks and Ricky kept jumping backwards to dodge them until he hit the railing. Ricky looked behind and saw the ground floor. It was a very long drop. The Gastly put a grin on its face and a black ball of lightning appeared in front of its head.

Volcana felt very proud of itself for beating the Gastly and started to run, following the black burn patches where night shade struck. Then he saw Ricky about to be fired upon and charged up an ember attack. A Gastly suddenly appeared in front of Volcana and licked her. Volcana’s flame suddenly fizzled out and she fell over unable to move or launch any attack, feeling totally paralyzed.

Ricky knew what that ball was. He saw no way to run. His pokemon is paralyzed and unable to help him. Ricky was on his own. The Gastly fired and Ricky jumped in the air to escape it but, the force pushed him over the edge and he started to fall. He gripped on to the wooden floor that slightly jettisoned past the railing, with his left hand. Ricky tried to bring his right hand up so he could pull himself onto the ledge, but his chest pain stopped him from doing so.

The Gastly floated over the railing and another shadow ball began to charge. Then Ricky looked down at the Monk and the few tourists in the building. They were looking at him, He saw the hopeless looks in their eyes and he saw his life flash before his.

Yami Ryu
4th August 2006, 5:32 AM
You know coolcobra, you could post all of a chapter. I mean it says to post all of a chapter. I mean if a post can take well over 30 of my usual paragraphs, a post should be able to handle all of the ones you make for a chapter.

Moving on :/

Eh, over-exageration of the Cyndaquils flames bursting up- a couple of feet would have been fine. But six feet? Think even that would have hurt Cyndaquil.

Battles are slowly improving- but still not your strong point, and still could be better.

Some things are still worded in a redundant way:
She tried to tackle the Gastly but it disappeared when Volcana tried.


She tried to tackle the Gastly but it disappeared and Volcana ended up just tackling air for all her effort.

Yeah not your writing style but a simple edit along the lines of this can make a story a bit nicer to read.


a black bolt of lightning boltshot out of the Gastly’s eyes

Either the italicised or bold part would have made that go over well. If you don't want to use either of those, never use the A. 'A Black Lightning' just doesn't sound right. But; 'suddenly black lightning shot out of its eyes' could work.


Ricky started to back up as another ghostly Gastly

Try to avoid repeating something you just said in a scentence only moments before.


Volcana felt very proud of itself for beating the Gastly and started to run, following the black burn patches where night shade struck. Then he saw Ricky about to be fired upon and charged up an ember attack. A Gastly suddenly appeared in front of Volcana and licked her. Volcana’s flame suddenly fizzled out and she fell over unable to move or launch any attack, feeling totally paralyzed.

... You were going for drama, but it fizzled out like Volcana's flame as I feel you rushed this- as to me that easily could have been three paragraphs of drama, but it was squashed into one. The emotions of the characters is tacky atm there :/

And finally the beast rears its head that I said was lurking. Coolcobra, you're still rushing your fic, and not putting the effort I know you have in you, into your fic.

UltaFlame
4th August 2006, 7:12 AM
yeah what yami ryu said rushed and not to your full potential. but your improving. which is good. i did enjoy this but when you battled against bellsprout you said burned to a crisp with the razor leaf and then soon after on the bellsprout. and in the end with the life flashing before his eyes thing you forgot to put the eyes part in there you said

his life flashed before his.

then ended (sorry my quote thing ain't workin today).

coolcobra77
4th August 2006, 10:40 PM
Yami-
You're probably right I could've made that into a three paragraph scene if I really put more thought into it.

Ultra-
The Bellsprout thing, I should of used two diffrent words to describe what happened to each item. Cause I hate using the same word twice, in a short period of time.

And that's my answer to about the ending

"He saw the hoplessnes in their eyes and saw his life flash before his eyes." Didn't really seem right to me...

Now in no way was this chapter rushed becuase it's actually been sitting around for quite awhile now, but some chapters may come quicker because I give my slower editor a couple chapters in the future so he isn't rushed.

But before I post the already spell/grammar checked Part 2 of this I'll make sure I check for some of these small but changing errors.

UltaFlame
4th August 2006, 10:46 PM
actually the saying is 'life flashed before (insert gender name here's) eyes'. so yeah you should make it that.

also there are people who like to read things with alot of description.

you should get a beta-reader who will fix your plot holes and character flatness.

coolcobra77
4th August 2006, 11:36 PM
I honestly don't need a beta-reader... I got 3 -.-

UltaFlame
4th August 2006, 11:43 PM
well i still feel alot of stuff missing.

i can't really find any of them. but i know there are stuff missing and someplot holes. like in the game i remember there being opponents only from the second floor up in the sprout tower. also i only remember the last floor or something having wild pokemon (but i not sure).

coolcobra77
5th August 2006, 12:36 AM
Well I really don't want to be able to play this game on my gameboy... I mean if you can then why even write a fanfic?

I mean if you know exactly what's gonna happen before it happens what is the point?

It's not exactly like the video game... I mean you can notice easy diffrences.


- I never went to Mr.Pokemon... the most unoriginal npc on earth.

- No Proffesor Oak...

- My rival didn't steal their pokemon...

In the second part of the chapter (which should be done in a couple of hours) will show a huge difference vs the game.

I am currently adding things that would help it like description, and places where it could be more than a senance or two is a paragraph or three.

coolcobra77
5th August 2006, 12:56 AM
Chapter 4 ~ Part 2 : Conquering Sprout Tower

Ricky hung on to a railing for his life as above him a Gastly was about to prepare a final blow.
His chest on fire with pain, and Volcana paralyzed after a Ghastly licked her. But then the wooden railing gave, and Ricky started to fall to the 1st floor.

“Bellsprout go, catch that kid!” two Monks screamed as their yellow and green leafy friends used their long vines to try and catch Ricky.

They barely missed and Ricky fell through the air, only second he had until he would die but then noticed the pillar behind him.

Ricky leaned back, and was able to make his feet contact with the wall, he pushed off and the boost was able to push him up a few more feet.

Ricky grabbed onto the part that jettisoned on the second floor. Ricky’s chest was on fire, what he had done really left him with little energy.

Ricky had to pull himself up and finally winced through the pain and grabbed to the part with both arms, and pulled himself up. Ricky collapsed onto the floor, then struggled to stand up.

Gastly became angry and released the shadow ball attack, but the Bellsprout easily dodged the blow. The Gastly who paralyzed Volcana floated in the air not caring about his defeated foe. But Volcana started to struggle to move her legs, then she finally was able to get her body up. It was still Severely hurt, but not totally paralyzed.

Volcana charged a weak ember, and a small fire ball was fired at the guarding Gastly.Tthe Gastly wasset aflame and then disintegrated to ashes. Volcana then slowly walked, felling pain each step it took toward the railing.

The annoyed Gastly came down to the 2nd floor to face Ricky, who finally was able to stand up. Gastly tried to fire night shade the two Bellsprout used vine whip to stop the attack. Ricky then saw Volcana crawling over the ledge and he recalled his pokemon with a pokeball.

The two monks told their Bellsprout to use vine whip put Gastly disappeared and re-appeared behind them again. But this time Gastly fired another shadow ball which created a massive explosion sending all 3 of the trainers sprawling to the floor.

The pokemon got up and Ricky released Volcana, a Monk then gave it a bright red cherry shaped berry. Volcana suddenly became stimulated, Ricky smiled and a plan came to mind.

Ricky explained how the plan would work to the monks and they nodded in agreement.

The Gastly approached and the two monks called for the Bellsprout to hit with their vines, the Gas ball faded away and re-appeared with a shadow ball over its head.

This time though Ricky stood their grinning with his Volcana with his back aflame. Volcana unleashed a terrible ember which hit Gastly and it disappeared straight behind a wall.

Gastly appeared annoyed, Gastly unleashed a storm of night shade upon the three pokemon.

Volcana and Ricky ran into a wall and avoided as much of the bolts as they could.

The two monks were not as lucky and their pokemon were smashed to pieces, the Bellsprout went limp and were returned to their pokeballs.

The revengeful Gastly started another shadow ball attack to kill the meddlesome humans.

Ricky couldn’t allow others to get hurt, especially the ones that saved his a*s only minutes ago.

Ricky saw that the Gastly was so concentrated on killing the Monks it didn’t notice Ricky standing only feet away.

“Volcana strike now , use ember.” Ricky whispered to the mouse and a fire ball charged at the ghost hovering in the air.

Gastly went pale as the ball hit short, and struck the shadow ball attack.

Gastly started to watch the ball fizzle and release black lightning uncontrollably. A lightning bolt shot the Monk duo and they winced.

Gastly became worried as the ball of lightning began to grow smaller and smaller by the second.

Then all at once the shadow ball erupted, lightning bolts struck everywhere leaving black burn marks. Ricky recalled Volcana to save the helpless pokemon, and tried his beast to shield himself from on coming blows. The Monk duo ran to the ladder on the other side of the second floor, and signaled Ricky.

Ricky ran and jumped onto the ladder, and looked down in horror as the second floor fell to pieces and flew down to littered the first floor in destroyed boards and splinters. Terrified people fled outside to escape the collapsing items and were safely held back form entering with the Monk’s Bellsprout.

“ You and your Cyndaquil saved us all from the Gastly that have been haunting this beautiful tower for years. We’ve had to challenge all people who wanted to go up the Tower to battles to make sure they could fight any Gastly they encountered. Truly thank you for saving the Sprout Tower, we must go to the top floor now.” The Monks graciously told Ricky.

Ricky and the Monks climbed 3 floors to the top level but when they walked into the room the Master was already in a furious pokemon battle. A man wearing a dark blue coat, black hair, and black pants and T-shirt, stood fighting the Sprout Tower master.

The man sent his Scyther to fight the poor Bellsprout.

“Go try and restrain him with vine whip.” The Head monk said calmly.

“Scyther fly up to dodge the vines then use double team” The man shouted.

Scyther easily flew higher then the vines could reach, and Scyther than started to divide.

6 Scyther stood in a large circle around the plant pokemon.

“Use poisonpowder to find the real one” The Monk grinned.

Bellsprout looked straight into the air and spun around like a lawn sprinkler. Thousands of poison spores flew around hitting the copies of Scyther making them fade away to nothing.

A lone Scyther stood coughing and getting weaker like his strength was stolen.

“Now finish this use razor leaf!” The Monk called to his pokemon.
Hundreds of razor sharp green leaves flew towards Scyther with deadly speed and accuracy.

“Enough of this bull sh*t, take it down with slash!” The man roared feeling annoyed about how this job was supposed to be an easy one.

Scyther narrowly dodged the on coming leaves, the leaves went on to get lodged into the wall.

Scyther flew at the plant at stood behind it, Scyther’s arm came down with deadly speed and struck the Bellsprout.

“Now the chase is over lets finish this.” The man snickered darkly. He pulled out a a red and white pokeball.

The Monks beside Ricky sent out their Bellsprouts, but as soon as they came out they fainted form the blow they taken from the lightning.

The pokeball flew at the Bellsprout, The monk tried to stop it but wasn’t quick enough. Bellsprout was captured, and the Monks could do nothing to stop it.

The man raised his right arm to reveal a hook device, the hook shot up and smashed through the roof, he returned his Scyther then was raised up and out with the hook device attached to his arm thus taking Bellsprout with it.

“ My Bellsprout is gone, I’ve had it for so long this is a very hard time for me.” The Master said very calmly.

“I know this may be the wrong time, but I would like to challenge you to a battle?” Ricky asked warningly

“ I accept, a Master always has another pokemon in his sleeve.” The Master Monk said taking a pokeball out of his robe.

Ricky then sent out his Volcana while the Monk sent out Hoothoot.

The brown, with white stomach pokemon merely jerked his head to one side and said “hoot?”

“Volcana fast use quick attack!” Ricky ordered hoping to score an easy victory.

Volcana released a quick attack and hit Hoothoot hard, making it hit the wall. Hoothoot shook itself off and suddenly widened its eyes then stared at Volcana then Volcana began to wobble and fell asleep on the spot.

“ Wake up, come on you can do it, wake up!” Ricky screamed at his sleeping partner.

“Hoothoot use nightmare.” The head Monk told his pokemon calmly.

Hoothoot then narrowed its eye slits and Volcana started to wriggled in its sleep, like it was having a nightmare. Hoothoot then flew up and started to charge at Volcana. Hoothoot smashed Volcana up in the air, then tackled him into the ground. Volcana kept struggling in her sleep as Hoothoot tackled iher into the wall again.

“ It’s only a nightmare, it isn’t real just wake up you can do it!” Ricky pleaded one last time to Volcana.

Volcana then opened its eyes and saw the incoming fat owl.

Volcana tackled Hoothoot smashing it into the wall. Then Volcana charged its flame up, and fired an ember but Hoothoot flew up to dodge it.

Hoothoot came down with amazing speed struck Volcana into the air. Volcana tried to used ember in the air but it didn’t work.

Hoothoot struck Volcana again and she hit the ground, stirring up dust.

Hoothoot tried for another attack at the giant dust cloud, but a fire ball came through it and struck Hoothoot.

“Volcana finish this use quick attack!” Ricky shouted desperate to win.

Volcana charged at Hoothoot and the pudgy owl got hit head on and fell backwards trying to get up.

“Use hypnosis then tackle” The Monk snickered and nodded to his pokemon.

Hoothoot finally flew up, and nodded back at his master. Hoothoot began to try hypnosis and Volcana looked away as planned.

Ricky thought about the snicker, then realized what was going on.

It was too late, Hoothoot flew at Volcana when it looked away and smashed the pokemon up into the air.

Volcana hovered and saw a fat owl trying to ram her. Volcana closed her eyes for impact when his back suddenly crackled aflame.


Ricky was awe struck, he saw his pokemon close her eyes and had no idea what was about to happen.

Volcana began to spin in the air and the flames grew larger and larger. Finally the flames added with spinning turned the fire into a flame wheel.

Hoothoot was too late when he saw the danger, and struck right into the fire and was smashed to the ground.

Hoothoot was scorched from head to toe, its whole body badly burned with scars to show it.

Hoothoot let out a final sigh and passed out, the head Monk only smiled and returned his fallen friend.

Volcana landed to the ground safety panting, then only seconds later finally collapsed.

Ricky only smiled, thinking that this new attack... whatever it was would really help against Falkner.

“Good battle” the Master told Ricky with a smile, and handed Ricky a super potion.

“Yeah, you’re Hoothoot was really tough.” Ricky said with respect and honor.

Ricky sprayed Volcana with the super potion, and it returned to its stimulated over excited self.

Ricky had to be lowered down with a Bellsprouts help because the second floor was destroyed, its vines were very strong and almost as hard as steel.

Ricky walked out of the Sprout Tower, with Volcana by his side, then they both looked into the sky, and said “ I’m coming back Falkner, this time I’m not going to be leaving empty handed.”

The horizon shone brightly on them that day and it would continue for the rest of their days.

UltaFlame
5th August 2006, 2:39 AM
i noticed many grammar mistakes. MANY GRAMMAR MISTAKES! like you meant to say owl you said own i'm like 'a big fat own?' 'what the he** is a fat own?!' yeah you meant owl. and other examples i won't show.

i feel no emotion i mean it seems like he shouted cuz you put a '!' at the end of the talking when hes surprse attacking the gastly so your expecting a shout but after it says 'whispered' so your conflicted it tells you he is whispering but you think before hand that he is shouting so yeah confusing!

anyway your improving but slowly this is argueably the best chapter yet. maybe. hard to tell.

coolcobra77
5th August 2006, 3:01 AM
Most of those grammars mistakes must of occured when I added to what had already been corrected.

I fixed some of the mistakes you pointed out. I'll try to look for more, but I'm the worse at that kind of stuff.

Yes that was conflicting, I must of typed it fast and not even thought about it.

I did change it so he is only whispering, it wouldn't be much of a sneak attack if you can hear it in space.

I did update the chapter list to show alot of chapters so check it out.

UltaFlame
5th August 2006, 3:32 AM
you should TAKE YOUR TIME and NOT RUSH IT YOU WILL DO WORSE RUSHING IT! seriously much more potential when your taking your time and really rushing = a basically cr** fic! but taking your time and unleashing your full potential = a fully out blown incredible fic that could blow peoples mind away f you tried! seriously alot of TALENT (i repeat) T-A-L-E-N-T being wasted (again) WASTED (once more) W-A-S-T-E-D by there rushing it (i not sure but i think alot of people agree with me) take your time write it out get it fixed and everytime you add a new part get that fixed too. and try to make volcana have more even odds against an evolved pokemon. for example if a pokemon is evolved and way more experienced make it seem so! if you have a pokemon just starting with a pikachu and hes fighting a kadabra make the pikachu lose his friggin head off! it has next to none battle experience and the kadabra has had many battles make it seem so! unlike last time where Volcana nearly defeated a pokemon with tons more experience and the advantage of being evolved! meaining the battle against Pidgeotto and when pokemon evolve there personality changes so make that evident! when Volcana evolves make her different like for example.

say you have a pichu it is probably way energetic and hyperactive. but when it evolves into pikachu it wouldn't be so energetic infact it would probably be more seriously (only slightly) maybe even a bit shy. then when you get raichu it would be mch more powerful and a ton braver and if it saw one would want to fight a pokemon who clearly has an advantage against it. and would probably try to do feats that would be hard or near impossible for a raichu and might even be somewhat of a bully.

coolcobra77
5th August 2006, 3:42 AM
uhh... When did I say I was rushing it... I only decided what the chapters names are.

I saw your point about the evolved vs unevolved during the first battle with Pidgeotto.

I'll make sure everytime I add alot of stuff to a chapter I'll get it re-checked.

I mean seriously all I did was put up the names of chapters... more than half of those chapters I haven't even written.

I'm not rushing in any way... so really please don't blow up again. It was kinda uhh... wierd.

Jonouchi
5th August 2006, 4:08 AM
uhh... When did I say I was rushing it... I only decided what the chapters names are.

I saw your point about the evolved vs unevolved during the first battle with Pidgeotto.

I'll make sure everytime I add alot of stuff to a chapter I'll get it re-checked.

I mean seriously all I did was put up the names of chapters... more than half of those chapters I haven't even written.

I'm not rushing in any way... so really please don't blow up again. It was kinda uhh... wierd.

Well. You order moves as if the Pokemon themselves are battling without the Trainers orders (Battle Palace)

It makes it seem like it was rushed.

I'm working on the beta now, by the way. I've encountered a few problems that seemed...iffy. I'll discuss with you shortly

coolcobra77
5th August 2006, 4:19 AM
The pokemon battles do seemed rushed becuase I don't always order the pokemon to do an attack.

True, I don't but I really haven't seen a good fic that ONLY used an order then action, then order then action... yeah you get the point.

So that it doesn't have to do that, and become boring I usually try to drag it out, or put more then one battle in a chapter.

But thats when Ultaflame gets angry when a less experienced pokemon can survive against a evolved for more than 2 attacks.

Let's see...

Slightly iffy vs bore fest... Sorry I gotta go with slightly iffy.

Jonouchi
5th August 2006, 4:33 AM
The pokemon battles do seemed rushed becuase I don't always order the pokemon to do an attack.

True, I don't but I really haven't seen a good fic that ONLY used an order then action, then order then action... yeah you get the point.

So that it doesn't have to do that, and become boring I usually try to drag it out, or put more then one battle in a chapter.

But thats when Ultaflame gets angry when a less experienced pokemon can survive against a evolved for more than 2 attacks.

Let's see...

Slightly iffy vs bore fest... Sorry I gotta go with slightly iffy.

Just put a bit more effort into the description, alright?

coolcobra77
5th August 2006, 4:37 AM
Fine, I'll try to add more description in chapters written, and especially the ones yet to be written.

UltaFlame
5th August 2006, 4:48 AM
its not slightly iffy but you know what what your saying is a poor excuse to not get better. i wouldn't mind it if you had Volcana Get her a** wooped seriously badly then for some reason he evolves in battle and totally owns pidgeotto after a long fight (when pokemon evolve mid-battle it is usually by some reason that gives it a temporary boost in skill and stuff so it can win for the trainer). actually it would be nice that by now Volcana evolves soon. and don't have Volcana go oober if she evolves mid-battle. i said before as in a temporary slight increase i meant so don't make it oober powerful for no reason. i would understand it if they spent long hours training everyday for like three weeks or something. also make him do more training battles against wild pokemon train and use geodude. (i think they have an advantage over wild types). also if you make ricky smart (omg a smart main character!) he would act on falkners weakness and use geodude and stuff. he caught a pokemon and he wants to go battle with his starter cuz he wants to.

heck if the games were like that i would use my starter straight through the game. but that would be suicide i would get to a gym and have my a** handed to me on a silver platter as many times as i went there if i didn't take forever to raise my pokemon to lv 50.. so bring back geodude or have him catch a new pokemon. and how did that guy capture the monks pokemon it made no sense!

Yami Ryu
5th August 2006, 5:09 AM
....

*takes a fish and slaps the hell out of Coolcobra with it*

Right now, this is not slightly iffy. THIS IS THE BORE FEST, Coolcobra. You are not improving. And what the hell, Volcana is a male now? Or was it a male and you just typoed it as a female for the first few chapters of the story? And a Bellsprout catching Ricky?

:/ unless the Bellsprout uses the vine whip pully system, I doubt something that wieghs only a few pounds atm would be able to grab a kid and well not go flying too. Maybe a Victrebell but ._. not Bellsprout.

I thought you would have taken your time to improve upon the battles and .. you really didn't. You describe them mediocerly. It's not just iffy- it is a bore fest as the battles feel rushed, the pokemon half the time come off as pokebots, the characters are just, just starting to be fleshed out a little.

And you use scetences too much when they could be done as a paragraph like the 'Gastly bit':


Gastly went pale as the ball hit short, and struck the shadow ball attack.

Gastly started to watch the ball fizzle and release black lightning uncontrollably. A lightning bolt shot the Monk duo and they winced.

Gastly became worried as the ball of lightning began to grow smaller and smaller by the second.

It just gets a bit old :/

And Coolcobra: really? You haven't seen any good battles? ;/ guess not even my battles in my story count, but oh well. You shouldn't insult writers like that anyways :/ just because you can't pull off the 'order attack' doesn't mean you have a free card to insult the people that can.

UltaFlame
5th August 2006, 5:19 AM
hurray i'm being ignored woo! NOT! your tossing aside everything were saying with petty excuses! stop RUSHING IT! your posting them too fast beta-readers 3 pribably whats happening is...

you are ignoring most of what they say.

i bet 1 so i am not flaming your beta-readers it is just a suggestion tat i doubt is happening and also earlier. jonouchi aid follow the advice in his pm AFTER you posted one of your chapters!

STOP RUSHING AND TRY TO IMPROVE I THOUGHT YOU WERE IMPROVING BUT ANOTHER READTHROUGH SHOWS THE SAME CR*D OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

and your practically admitting were right!

stop RUSHING! it will kill your thread!

coolcobra77
5th August 2006, 8:43 PM
well it was just beta-read today, and has been sitting on my computer for weeks: Chapter 5. Hopefull Chapter 6 won't be done for a while... and my vacation I'm taking tommarow will clear my head so I can write better.

Chapter 5: Falkner’s Last Flight

Ricky stood in front of the Violet City gym, his gold jacket swaying in the wind. Ricky figured that with all the training he acquired back at Sprout Tower, he was ready. Ricky entered the gym to see Falkner sitting with his Pidgeotto by his side.

“So your back?” Falkner snickered. "I was hoping you had run away by now."

“I told you I’d be back.” Ricky said in a determined voice. "I'm not leaving till I get what I came for!"

“Well let’s get this started.” Falkner stated.

Ricky and Falkner walked up to the battlefield, Pokeballs in hand, and released their pokemon. Falkner released his Pidgeotto, whos red and yellow tail feathers stood stiff and high showing the pokemon was in good health. Volcana came out in a white blaze, and its back erupted in fire up to show its health and strength.

Pidgeotto stood tall compared to the little fire mouse, Volcana. Ricky wasn’t intimidated easily, and this was no exception, he wasn’t going to lose today.

“Begin.” Falkner said, grinning coldly.

Pidgeotto quickly flew into the air, with its wings beating against the wind as it glided above the battlefield. Ricky ordered Volcana to jump onto Pidgeotto, in which she quickly jumped and tackled Pidgeotto into the ground.

Falkner was surprised to see what had happened, he didn’t know how much the boy improved.

"Pidgeotto, Mud-slap!" Falkner ordered

"We'll see about that!" Ricky said. "Ember!"

Pidgeotto hovered up above the ground and slapped the ground, as mud, or dirt, as it was now, came flailing towards Volcana. The fire mouse fired small bits of fire, called Ember, however, the mud covered the fire attack, in which the Cyndaquil dodged on its own. Volcana quickly tried to tackle but Pidgeotto flew into the air making Volcana miss her target.

"Let's suprise the little guy, shall we?" He said. "Tackle!"

Pidgeotto tried to strike from behind, however Volcana quickly jumped to the side, avoiding the attack. As Pidgeotto flew past. Volcana fired another ember, Pidgeotto drew up a whirlwind, flapping its wings as hard as possible. Ricky began to snicker as the ember came closer to the wind.

“What's so funny?” Falkner asked in a demanding voice.

“You’ll see in a moment.” Ricky chuckled.

The wind touched the flame, hwoever some of it exploded on contact. The reamining bits of fire continued at Pidgeotto, striking it dead on! Pidgeotto fell to the ground with slight burns all over it’s body. Volcana quickly rushed the bird striking it hard making it slide further away.

Falkner grew tense and angry that a rookie was beating his beloved Pidgeotto.

"I will not let you win!" He yelled. "Wing Attack!"

Pidgeotto, once again, flew up into the air. Its wings began to glow a soft white as it flew straight at the Cyndaquil. Volcana began to run away as Pidgeotto drew closer.

"Volcana!" He yelled. Wondering what he should do, he thought of a quick strategy, hoping it would work. "Jump back!"

Suddenly Volcana jumped backwards and held to the ground, while Pidgeotto flew straight over Volcana, then turned around to see where Volcana was. Volcana already fired its ember, but Pidgeotto easily dodged it and came straight at the fire Pokemon.

"I don't care what it takes!" He said. "Tackle its wing!"

Risking all they got, Volcana jumped back and used a rushing tackle, aiming straight for Pidgeotto’s wing. Volcana collided with the glowing wing creating an explosion, which sent both pokemon flying backwards into seperate walls.

Ricky and Falkner were shocked at what had occured. The two pokemon slowly got up onto their legs and were ready to battle. Both of them realized, their true test was not to see who's better, but which of their pokemon had the will to continue further. Volcana was scratched all over with few cuts, Pidgeotto on the other hand had its wing torn up and almost broken.

"Let's see if you can dodge this!" Falkner ordered. "Tackle!"

"I bet I can!" Ricky ordered as well. "Ember!"

The bird flew up and went straight for Volcana, Volcana fired another Ember, shooting bits of Fire from its mouth, but Pidgeotto dodged the assault and sent Volcana flying into the air. Pidgeotto flew above him and came down in a sky bomb.

Volcana tried to use flame wheel like he did with that Hoothoot from before, but it failed on him and ended up getting slammed onto the ground by Pidgeotto.

Volcana started to bleed sightly, with its legs aching from the maneuvers he had to make.

“Finish that punk with wing attack!” Falkner shouted.

Pidgeotto wing started to glow again and it came in for another attack, Volcana was too damaged to survive another explosion.

"Alright!" Ricky said. "Tackle from above, Volcana!"

Volcana then ran straight towards the wing like he had done previously, but this time jumped so he hovered above Pidgeotto, then tackled him down to the floor. Another painful crack echoed. The Pidgeotto screamed in pain as its wing finally broke.

With his eyes as wide as possible, Falkner became frightened of what would become of his partner. Falkners rage grew and his violent gene started to break through its chains.

“Use whirlwind again.” Falkner snickered.

Pidgeotto flew up and, with little strength it had now, started another whirlwind, Volcana sent another ember and a giant flame occurred.

Pidgeotto suddenly came flying sharply through the fire and used its talons to pick up Volcana, however with it's broken wing, which became more damaging to it, it was only able to fly a short height.

Pidgeotto flew towards the flame, with the rest of its strength and threw Volcana right into it. Volcana dropped to the ground with burns all over it. Pidgeotto came into a low flight flying right into Volcana, Volcana ran straight towards Pidgeotto to tackle.

Ricky and Falkner held their breathes to see which pokemon would survive, and which pokemon would finally fall.

They collided sending both pokemon sprawling to the floor, Pidgeotto sent mud into the air hitting Volcana and going into the holes in its back, clogging the holes on its back. Volcana wasn’t able to use fire any more, and failed to do so. Pidgeotto came in at a short height, still in pain, with its torn wings both glowing, Volcana jumped the attack but Pidgeotto flew back and struck it anyway.

“Don’t give up, we can do this!" Ricky said coldly. "I know we can!"

The boy's will almost broken, but would never admit it. He wanted to fight on, otherwise his training at Sprout Tower would have been for nothing.

Volcana fell to the ground panting its heart out. Pidgeotto flew towards Cyndaquil, and came striking at Volcana. Volcana then growled madly, trying to taunt Pidgeotto. Volcana's back slowly, but surely, flared up, burning the dirt inside it. With that, a huge ember came striking into Pidgeotto.

“Nice now finish this!” Ricky yelled.

Pidgeotto fell to the ground charred, burns all over the place. The bird slowly stood back up and got ready for yet another assault. Volcana stood there with her eyes glaring at Pidgeotto, and rushed at it. The two pokemon collided and slid backwards, their backs gliding painfully on the ground. The two rushed again with the same result, and this time they almost collapsed. The two tried their attack one more time, however, this time, Volcana jumped right over Pidgeotto and avoided the attack. Pidgeotto slid and turned its head around to see a light trail blazing towards him.

Ricky shut his eyes in fear, however Falkner couldn’t stop staring at the two pokemon suffering like this, like he almost craved the suffering. He stared at his Pidgeotto in shock, knowing that his beloved Pokemon was not only beaten by a Cyndaquil, but suffered the pain of a broken wing, without immediate treatment. Falkner felt like punishing himself for what he put his Pidgeotto through.

"No.." He said softly.

Pidgeotto collapsed after the light trail passed him up, Volcana stood panting heavily with scars and burns all over her, standing behind the collapsed Pidgeotto.

"PIDGEOTTO!!!!" He screamed as he ran towards his Pokemon.

He held his Pokemon tight and cried like he hadn't cried before. He realized that his Pokemon was suffering, but a little too late. Flakner decided to wipe his tears and forgive Pidgeotto.

"I'm sorry, Pidgeotto." Falkner said. "I should have done something about your wing! But instead, I cared only about winning! I was blinded by that, I'm sorry!"

He was crying hard, Ricky was amazed that he had feelings for his Pokemon, let alone being able to cry that hard.

Falkner stood up and wiped his tears.

“You proved me wrong it seems.” Falkner snickered. "I should have done something earlier, but now..."

“Don't worry." Ricky said. "I'm sure he would forgive you. Better to care for it now than to ignore him."

"Right." Falkner agreed. "Anyway."

Falkner pulled out a badge, resembling a pair of silver wings, and gave it to Ricky.

"Here is your official Zephyr badge, good luck on the rest of your journey.” Falkner replied.

Ricky picked up Volcana and started to pet it, Volcana nudged his partner and cried a faint "Cyndaquil." Ricky walked out of the gym and headed to the Pokemon Center, eager to meet up with Jessica again. Falkner decided to do the same.

Yami Ryu
5th August 2006, 8:54 PM
Can't say I see any real improvement- the battle yet again starts off with the flicker it will be better, and then falls right back into the pit because it feels you rushed it, because you got tired of writing it, or didn't want to continue writing it. If that happens, you don't crap out on the fic, you take a break/breather/go do something else, then come back and wrap a battle up.

Also the redundancy of some parts of the fic made me lol.


Pidgeotto fell to the ground charred, burns all over the place.

Well if it's charred, one would expect its body to be littered with burns. Unless you care to go into detail describing where the burns were exactly- like the wings/flight feathers. The plumage a Pidgeotto sports on the top of its head. Maybe the chest and body feathers, the tail perhaps too? Or maybe feathers gone all together and badly burned patches of skin?

See how much more life your story would have if you didn't go half assed about it Coolcobra? :/ it feels like you've stopped trying to improve, and are just halfassing about now.

Hoenn Warrior
6th August 2006, 4:16 AM
hurray i'm being ignored woo! NOT! your tossing aside everything were saying with petty excuses! stop RUSHING IT! your posting them too fast beta-readers 3 of them WOW one of two things are happening or both!

1) you aree ignoring most of what they say!

or

2) your Beta-readers are a piece of cr*d each of them!

i bet 1 so i am not flaming your beta-readers it is just a suggestion tat i doubt is happening and also earlier. jonouchi aid follow the advice in his pm AFTER you posted one of your chapters!

STOP RUSHING AND TRY TO IMPROVE I THOUGHT YOU WERE IMPROVING BUT ANOTHER READTHROUGH SHOWS THE SAME CR*D OVER AND OVER AGAIN!

and your practically admitting were right!

stop RUSHING! it will kill your thread!

Im trying to help Coolcobra77 with the story and I do understand what you are all saying about the story being rushed and lack of description in battles. I will try and show him where his errors are and how to improve the story. AND NONE OF THE BETAS ARE A PIECE OF CR*D ULTAFLAME!!

UltaFlame
6th August 2006, 6:52 AM
i suspected taht meaning you are ignoring them they are giving helpful advice and your tossing it out the window! at least thats probably whats happeening. again NO EFFORT TO IMPROVE you have 3 beta readers right? well having soembody to give you hints and help you be better means nothing if you don't use it! i am working on a chapter right now and before i ahve it beta read i think it is better than this cr*d! IMPROVE (as yami said) STOP HALFAS*ING THIS YOU START OUT BAD WITH THE

Walk in. talk enter battle.

big figth scene which was rushed (making it bad)

big even more rushed climax of fight scene (getting worse)

big end to big fight scene still more rushed than before (worse part yet)

ending to chapter the most rushed as rushedly getting rushed possible.

stop doing it like that! it ruins your chapter me and yami are the only ones reviewing now! ya know why! IT'BE USELESS TO MINDLESS PRAISE THIS IT IS OBVIOUSLY -RUSHED, UNDERMINED, NOT TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL, AND WANTING OF MINLESS PRAISE -THAT YOU AREN'T TRYING TO IMPROVE A CHAPTER WITH A BIG FIGHT SCENE SHOULD BE PROLONGED AND TAKE UP A LOT OF WORD PAGES! THIS PROBABLY TOOK UP 2-3 PAGES! IT SHOULD BE LIKE 4 AT LEAST! SO (again yami reference) STOP HALF AS*ING IT AND TRY!

Hoenn Warrior
6th August 2006, 4:46 PM
i suspected taht meaning you are ignoring them they are giving helpful advice and your tossing it out the window! at least thats probably whats happeening. again NO EFFORT TO IMPROVE you have 3 beta readers right? well having soembody to give you hints and help you be better means nothing if you don't use it! i am working on a chapter right now and before i ahve it beta read i think it is better than this cr*d! IMPROVE (as yami said) STOP HALFAS*ING THIS YOU START OUT BAD WITH THE

Walk in. talk enter battle.

big figth scene which was rushed (making it bad)

big even more rushed climax of fight scene (getting worse)

big end to big fight scene still more rushed than before (worse part yet)

ending to chapter the most rushed as rushedly getting rushed possible.

stop doing it like that! it ruins your chapter me and yami are the only ones reviewing now! ya know why! IT'BE USELESS TO MINDLESS PRAISE THIS IT IS OBVIOUSLY -RUSHED, UNDERMINED, NOT TO YOUR FULL POTENTIAL, AND WANTING OF MINLESS PRAISE -THAT YOU AREN'T TRYING TO IMPROVE A CHAPTER WITH A BIG FIGHT SCENE SHOULD BE PROLONGED AND TAKE UP A LOT OF WORD PAGES! THIS PROBABLY TOOK UP 2-3 PAGES! IT SHOULD BE LIKE 4 AT LEAST! SO (again yami reference) STOP HALF AS*ING IT AND TRY!

You know something, Coolcobra is the MAIN AUTHOR FIRST OF ALL. SECOND HE DIVIDES THE CHAPTERS TO THE BETA READERS AND I AM NOT HALF AS*ING IT!! Coolcobra is doing his best and I keep on telling him to take his time on the chapters and read up on other stories on the site. I could care less about your story and this may be a piece of cr*d to you but Coolcobra is doing his best. I KNOW FOR A DAMN FACT THAT I AM TRYING AND I DONT NEED YOU TO TELL ME THAT. The chapter with the battle between Jessica and Ricky was fixed up by ME and that chapter got some pretty good reviews saying there was improvement.

I UNDERSTAND that you believe that the chapters are being rushed but COOLCOBRA77 writes them up NOT ME!! I just fix them and give him some better ideas to spruce up the story! Just be patient and if you cant be patient about this THEN PM Coolcobra77 and explain to him in GREAT DETAIL on what to do.

ShamanJewel
6th August 2006, 7:50 PM
You guys should get a day job. You chould all be critics. I see nothing wrong with the stories. If you have any time to criticize or whatever, go to gametalk and go to fanfics and have a party. Coolcobra maybe you should go to gametalk and put your story on their website and see what the people there think about it. You should post on the 'Emerald' forum. And for the sake of the guests please just summarize what you think of the chapters a persons made judge it and then come back in three weeks, please? For the sake of Serebii.

Zephyr Flare
6th August 2006, 7:55 PM
I would have warned sooner but due to a game I'mplaying atm the connection is being a yo-yo.

If you're going to rant USE YOUR PMs so I don't have to warn your both for destroying a thread of the author with your ranting you got that? Shaman, if you read the rules you'd know betetr to do that, you're not a mod so you should by rights keep out of it if you please.

Sandra

Leon Phelps
6th August 2006, 8:11 PM
Ultaflame, there is a fine line between criticism and flaming. All you're doing is spamming up the thread and trying to imitate Renegade's reviewing style. She actually gives advice while you just acuse them of "rushing" and "not trying" without giving GOOD reasons.

ShamanJewel, don't advertize and if you don't have anything relevant to say about the story then don't post.

On with the review:

I did see an improvement in the 3rd chapter. I enjoyed it actually. I'm noticing less grammar mistakes which is a good thing. I'm glad that my advice about expanding vocabulary was taken. The Sprout Tower chapters could have been great but everything happened too fast and there wasn't a enough description for me to visualize what was going on. Don't forget to describe the surroundings.

Chapter 5 could have been handled a lot better. The chapters have been starting at great, but then getting worse as it progresses. Analyze your fic to see what works and throw out what doesn't. I know that writing isn't easy so this is a good place to relax and think the story through some more before posting. Please don't rush your next chapter. There isn't much more that I can say. It's up to you now.

UltaFlame
6th August 2006, 10:00 PM
first off i don't know who Renegade is ok.

second yeah i am enjoying it and it needs tons of improvement.

also if your giving him advice like that and he's taking it and using it it'd be alot better. and i wasn't talkin to you when i said halfas*ing it and he should try to improve alot.

i don't think after 2 hits a wing would break for one. again too fast is something happenning i don't feel falkner really cared about his pidgeotto as much as he thinks he does cuz of the amunt of time inbetween becoming full of grief guilt and such and being a-ok again is around 2-3 seconds it should have taken him at least 10 minutes if e cared as much as you said he did.

so try to improve not try to stay as is and like it that way. your not spending enough time doing what you should WRITING IT instead your spending your time doin other stuff when you could be making your work better!

and coolcobra the battle between jessica and ricky was the best part of this story yet! so try to make things more interesting bye doing 2 things.
1: take your time
2:when someone (a.k.a hoenn warrior) gives you criticsm and ways to improve use it.
then your fic will be alot better.

coolcobra77
8th August 2006, 12:56 AM
- I DO TAKE MY TIME... I haven't rushed for ONE MOMENT ON THIS STORY!

- PLEASE DO NOT SHUT DOWN THIS STORY WITH USELESS RANTS!!!

That's about all I can say... it was a nice 1 day vacation.

chrisivy
8th August 2006, 3:30 AM
YaY! Cool...I can't wait for the next chapter. And anyways, I don't think your rushing...

coolcobra77
8th August 2006, 3:40 AM
Thank you, It's reviewers like you that keep me going!

Hopefull the next chapter will be up tommarow... but with Hoenn Warrior, I could get the chapter tonight at midnight for all I know.

But can't go against his results... lots of people liked Chapter 3 Part 2... and he's the editor for that chapter.

Yami Ryu
8th August 2006, 3:51 AM
Thank you, It's reviewers like you that keep me going!

And it's crap like that that makes people lose respect for you Coolcobra. I think this just proves you IGNORE the advice people try to give you, and pray/hope the betas can FIX YOUR CRAP.

Gods.


- I DO TAKE MY TIME... I haven't rushed for ONE MOMENT ON THIS STORY!

Yet you admited in some post that you have rushed this story. :/


Hopefull the next chapter will be up tommarow... but with Hoenn Warrior, I could get the chapter tonight at midnight for all I know.

But can't go against his results... lots of people liked Chapter 3 Part 2... and he's the editor for that chapter.

Everyone liked that chapter because we all thought you were improving, not that Hoenn Warrior was trying to cover your *** and keep you from having it chewed off yet again for ignoring advice and stagnating in utter stupidity!


- PLEASE DO NOT SHUT DOWN THIS STORY WITH USELESS RANTS!!!

It's not gonna be shut down because of that, it's gonna be shut down because you half *** the fic and TRY TO RELY ON A BETA TO FIX ALL YOUR DAMN PROBLEMS!

I'm sorry Coolcobra, but you are a black sheep to authors. If I don't see you really trying to improve in your next chapter- and not force the betas to do it for you.

I'm going to report this fic :/ cause you're ignoring all the advice people are giving you. EVEN THE KIND AND NICE ADVICE.

coolcobra77
8th August 2006, 4:15 AM
Hmm you're not even part of this fic so how do you know the inner workings at all?

- I never admitted I rushed because I don't rush.

- I don't IGNORE any fo the advice you give me, and I've been spending the last week trying to fix up the faults that you pointed out.

-My work ain't "CRAP" as you call it.

-I don't FORCE anyone to do ANYTHING, any editor could leave the team at any time... It would be a loss becuase my Editors are good at their work, and are happy to do it. But it stills stand they MAY LEAVE AT ANY TIME.

- I don't rely 100% on my Ediotors... sure I rely on them a small bit to catch problems I don't catch when I proof read but I don't amke them "cover my a**" as you say it.

Bluntly you're last statment was TOTAL BS, you can't make statments like that without knowing anything. I'm not blind, I read your adivce and try to re-do newer chapters so they go to your advice.

So I am taking in your advice... I'm no stone wall.

Yami Ryu
8th August 2006, 4:37 AM
Hmm you're not even part of this fic so how do you know the inner workings at all?

- I never admitted I rushed because I don't rush.

- I don't IGNORE any fo the advice you give me, and I've been spending the last week trying to fix up the faults that you pointed out.

Then why not actually stop spewing out chapter after chapter and work on a chapter to be the best- quantity over quality is not how you get readers. And as people have said- you have basically stopped improving, I mean from the post Jonouchi did, and Hoenn, it would appear you're ignoring their attempts to help you get better.

And from what Hoenn Warrior said, it seems you aren't really taking in the advice past what will barely imrpove your fics. You are rushing, because instead of taking your time, you assume getting them done as fast as you can will get you readers- well CC, with how you phrased what you said it did sound like you were using your betas to catch all your faults and make them improve your fic.

For instead of trying to get your skills to get a 'chapter three part two' for yourself, and not something Hoenn did for you, you basically went and said you'd try to get him to beta.

Sounds like you were relying on your betas to solve your problems for you.


-I don't FORCE anyone to do ANYTHING, any editor could leave the team at any time... It would be a loss becuase my Editors are good at their work, and are happy to do it. But it stills stand they MAY LEAVE AT ANY TIME.

And as I said they are trying to help you. And Hoenn Warrior sounds like your friend- and if he is I can understand why he is sticking by your side and trying to help you get better. Maybe if you open your eyes you'll see that :/


Bluntly you're last statment was TOTAL BS, you can't make statments like that without knowing anything. I'm not blind, I read your adivce and try to re-do newer chapters so they go to your advice.

Actually as I pointed out I can as I took an 'educated guess' or whatever it's called based on how your behavoir was in your posts, and the others in their posts. And if you were trying CC, how come there really has been no improvement? I mean sure- you do a little here and a little there, but as everyone pointed out, it was either not your own doing, or just enough to squeak by as 'improvement.'



So I am taking in your advice... I'm no stone wall.

Funny, you're coming off as one :/

You are rushing your story- doing a chapter a day. Rushing a fic chapter that quickly can sometimes mean it is tacky and poor quality.

Betas can not fix that- well no, guess Hoenn Warrior proves me wrong there. But for the most part they can't. They aren't the writer of the fic, you are.

Sometimes I write fast, as I'm guessing you do- but I don't post the chapter the moment I'm done with it. Sometimes I go back, proofread- even if I never catch typos. Tweak it a little. Edit it a bit, then post it. Sometimes I can do a chapter in a day- sometimes it takes me a week or so to get it all done. It depends. But that doesn't mean I sacrifice quality for it.

You need to take responcibility CC :/ and so far... it doesn't look like you are.

coolcobra77
8th August 2006, 3:09 PM
I think I know why everyone thinks I'm rushing... let me take a guess

Is it the fact that in 3 days I released 3 chapters?

Well there is a very Easy explantation for that.

You see when I first started this fic I only had one Editor (a beta) Hoenn.

Now becuase his whole family uses the computer and he can barely get on it, it took him about 3-5 days to check a chapter.

During that 3-5 days I'd write 1 or if I'm lucky 2 chapters.

Now this accumulated up to where I stand now... I'm on chapter 11 while chapter 6 will be coming out today.

Now the reason 3 chapters were posted so quickly...

I looked for an extra editor or 2 becuase I didn't want to be at the end of the fic when the chapters are near the middle.

Now Jonouchi and Ranger Registeel are two new editors, to test them and see if their as good as Hoenn I tested them with some of the chapters that I recently released.

They completed checking them in record time... it only took 1 DAY. So they came to the team, now the chapters that were recently posted have been sitting on my save files for about a week.

Then for 3 days, I released 3 chapters easily becuase they were already done. I hope this explains any misconception on how I released 3 chapters so quickly without rushing.

Now I really need to edit some fo the newer chapters... becuase I really hate the bogus reviews I'm getting.

Ranger Registeel
8th August 2006, 4:43 PM
I've been on the sidelines long enough!
You guys really should stop bashing his story. He's trying his best to stop rushing them. Hoenn Warrior and Jonouchi are great editors. They have alot more time on there hands then i do, so their chapters tend to be better. I'm sorry if my editting isn't great. Leave Cobra alone. If you guys paid attention, he said hes had these chapters for a few weeks which means he can't do much. I'm sure the later chapters are much better.

coolcobra77
8th August 2006, 9:18 PM
Chapter 6: Attack of the Unown

"That battle with Falkner was just too close for my comfort.” Ricky said weakly as he traveled back towards to Pokemon Center. “That was some nice battling Volcana, but now we can leave Violet City and head towards Azalea Town for my next Gym Battle." Ricky soon entered the all to familiar red roof and white building known as the Pokemon Center. He was greeted with a nice crisp breeze that was protruding from the Air Conditioner.

“Hello Nurse Joy. I hope you can heal my Volcana again?” Ricky asked the all to familiar Nurse Joy.

“Of course I can Ricky. I just hope you didn’t challenge Falkner again?” replied Nurse Joy with a worried look as she recalled all of the bruised and battered Pokemon that had suffered a devastating loss to Falkner.

“Don’t worry too much Nurse Joy. I did challenge him, and came out victorious!” Ricky boasted as he flashed his proudly earned Zephyr Badge to the Nurse. Ricky apparently got the attention of a handful of trainers who couldn’t believe Falkner lost. “ And I think he isn’t going to be so vicious anymore, but that doesn’t mean he is going to be a pushover.”

“Well that is some good news, now I’ll take your Cyndaquil and be back in a few minutes.” Replied Nurse Joy, as she walked into the back room to deal with Volcana.

“Well I knew you would be the one who finally beats Falkner.” A familiar voice called out to Ricky.

“Jessica, its good to see ya again.” Stuttered Ricky, as his heart was pumping even faster to be with his beautiful comrade once again. “Didn’t you want to take me some where after I had my battle?” asked Ricky.

“That’s right. Now hurry up and get Volcana and we can be on our way!” exclaimed Jessica who seemed to be overflowing with energy like a six year old on a sugar rush.

…………………………………………………….

“And that’s all we know about these strange ruins, and the Unown species we found, now if you follow me over here.” An un-excited tour guide uttered, as he pointed to the various writings on the walls of the Ruins of Alph.

“I thought these Ruins were going to interest me, but instead they’re putting me to sleep!” Ricky bellowed as he was being overwhelmed with boredom due to the lack of interesting things in the Ruins.

“I thought there would be some kind of treasure, or some ancient artifacts, or even some texts depicting life with Pokemon in the ancient world!"Ricky complained. "But no, instead I have a load of what appears to be letters with eyes!” hollered Ricky.

“When you look at this, you will DEFINITELY change your mind, and keep your voice down or you are going to get us kicked out.” Jessica said in a quiet whisper that was loud enough to get Ricky’s attention. “Now hurry up and come into this room.” Barked Jessica, as she was very interested to be in such an amazing place.

Ricky quickly made his way down the golden yellow narrow halls of the Ruins of Alph, until he made his way into a room, which was much bigger in width than the halls, but still had that same golden yellow color to it with the same markings that were on the wall that resembled the alphabet, but this time something else captured the eyes of the young trainer as did Jessica. It appeared to be some kind of platform that had some kind of puzzle attached to it. Ricky slowly guided his hand towards the new “artifact” if you would call it that, but was quickly cut off from placing his hands around the intriguing display when Jessica delivered a quick slap to his hands.

“Ouch man. What you go and do that for?” a puzzled Ricky asked as he used his free had to gently caress his slightly throbbing right hand.

“Don’t you ever pay attention?” Jessica exclaimed as she stared deeply into Ricky’s eyes. “First of all it says right here not to touch this exhibit. Second these “load of letters that have eyes” are Pokemon called Unown. Lastly you are such a girl if you are going to rub your hand after a mere slap.” Proclaimed Jessica, as she was out of breath from here little mini rant.

“Well excuse me. I wouldn’t have to rub my hand if your slap didn’t feel like a Beedrill sting, AND what the heck is Unown?” Ricky replied as he too was now staring into Jessica’s eyes, but from all the time he knew Jessica he had now truly notice how beautiful her eyes were, and it seemed to change to a mix of Pinkish-Red when there was a good source of light.

“Hey, you can stop staring at me like that time back in the Pokemon Center.” Jessica sputtered.

“Oh sorry, I just notice your eyes sort of turn Pinkish-Red when a good source of light hits it.” Muttered an embarrassed Ricky as he was caught yet again staring at Jessica.

“You’re the first person that actually noticed that besides my mother.” Jessica said, as she was slightly blushing that someone is actually paying that much attention to her. “And I suggest you check what an Unown is before we leave here on your Pokedex.”

“I guess I should do that.” Droned a bored Ricky as he was unable to do anything of interest here, and he walked away. Finally when he found something of intrest, he couldn’t touch it due to stupid rules. He proceeded to take out the Pokedex and check up on the data of the Unown.

“Unown, The Symbol Pokemon. This Pokemon is shaped like ancient writing. Although research is ongoing, it is a mystery as to which came first, the ancient writings or the various Unown. Its flat, thin body is always stuck on walls.” Droned the Pokedex, in it’s usual techno voice.

“Well, if it’s always stuck on the walls, then I should try and catch one!” exclaimed Ricky.

“Oh please Ricky, they are truly ancient Pokemon, and they are needed here for some reason, and don’t ask me for what, all I know it is for some bigger purpose so don’t try and catch any of them.” Proclaimed Jessica.

“Well I just want to see one up close.” Muttered Ricky.

“Ricky, could you tell me please what is happening to that Tablet behind that puzzle?” hollered Jessica who was petrified at what was happening.

The Tablet which was inscribed with various Unown, was beginning to shine and the light only seemed to be getting brighter and brighter. The light soon consumed the entire room and the rest of the Ruins just like how a Snorlax would consume a 7-course meal in only a matter of seconds.

“Ricky, I can’t see a thing!” hollered Jessica. “This light is just too strong to bare!”

“Jessica take my hand before…

WHOOSH

The blinding light quickly exploded shooting Jessica and Ricky across the room and back outside into the halls of the Ruins of Alph.

Hundreds of Unown poured out of the ruins and flew into the sky, the beautiful sunlight was blocked by a sea of blackness as Ricky and Jessica laid unconscious.

…………………………………………………………

“There is a disturbance that needs to be handled quickly.” Said a man in the shadows of a tower.

…………………………………………………………

“Damn it, that blast was something else.” Muttered Ricky as he slowly made his way up but realized that he wasn’t inside the Ruins anymore. “Where the hell am I?” pondered Ricky as he was now in a house which seemed deserted.

“Take it easy kid. That blast of light seemed to knock you around a bit.” Replied a teenage boy that was wearing a yellow cap, and also sported a green T-shirt and blue baggy jeans, which seemed to slip of off his waist. “Your lucky my Onix found you.”

“Well thanks for your help, but I need to go back for my friend.” Declared Ricky as he ran out the door and made his way back to the Ruins. Lucky for him he wasn’t too far from the, too bad what he saw next was a thick blanket of Unown that shrouded the area and blocked the sunlight.

“Damn it, how am I suppose to save Jessica if I can’t make it past these Unown.?” Ricky said as a look of worry and guilt cover his face. “I should of grabbed on to Jessica sooner, if I did she would be here with me right now.”

“Excuse me, but who exactly needs saving?” hollered a familiar voice not too far from him.

“Jessica is that you?”

“Of course its me. Do you think I’m some weak girl?” replied Jessica. “After all, I have the infamous “Beedrill Slap” that leaves all men crying like babies.”

“PSH! Please your slap isn’t ALL THAT, but the important thing here is to get rid of these Unown.” Cried Ricky.

“And be careful what you wish for. Look at what we have to deal with now.” Snapped Jessica.

“Ok, jeez lets start battling already, GO Volcana!”

“Go Chicky and Cursor!”

The familiar flash of light appeared from the Pokeballs as Volcana and Chicky took form, as did an Unown.

“HOLD UP A MINUTE! YOU TELL ME THAT THEY TRULY ANCIENT POKEMON AND I CAN’T CAPTURE ONE, YET YOU GET TO?!” snapped a furious Ricky who was very ****** that he couldn’t catch one.

“Hey don’t be mad at me since this Unown was the one that got me out of the Ruins and decided to join up with.” Replied a very proud Jessica. “Now lets get on the offensive, Chicky use Razor Leaf and back up Chicky Cursor, use Hidden Power!”

Chicky quickly shot forth a barrage of leaves that sliced through the Unown, which startled the other Unown, while Cursor took this opportunity to create several orbs of energy around its self and quickly shot them towards the hovering black symbol which quickly took out a couple dozen of them due to the aftershock of the blast.

“Watch out they’re making a counter attack on us!” hollered Ricky as the Unown were charging up for their Hidden Power assault. “ Volcana, cover them in a blanket of Smokescreen, then pelt them with Ember.

Volcana quickly released her Smokescreen, but the Unown quickly launched their Hidden Power as orbs of light scattered all around the Ruins taking down trees, small houses, even the Guardhouse. These orbs left small gaps between the smoke, but what the Unown saw next wasn’t to pleasing to their big eyes as a round of embers had pelted them and they too fell just as their previous allies.

“We nearly got them all Jessica!’ hollered Ricky.

“Think again look over there!” screamed a horrified Jessica as another stream of Unown came from the cave, but were quickly taking down by what appeared to be a Mud Shot attack.

“Hey its Falkner!” cried an overjoyed Ricky to have some back-up to handle this crisis.

“Hoothoot use Hypnosis!” cried a figure not too far from Jessica.

“It’s the Head Monk from Sprout Tower!” Jessica exclaimed.

“It seems that the Unown have escaped from their dimension and are seeping out into our dimension.” Said the Head Monk. “We need to seal that rift quickly or… well the unthinkable will happen.” The Monk said coldly.

“There’s a large concentration of Unown near center of town so... BOOM!” Falkner explained until he was cut off by a extremely large hidden power that destroyed a building only blocks away.

“Let’s get the hell outta here!” Exclaimed Ricky staring coldly at everyone around him, everyone agreed and ran for the center of town. They finally appeared to face the Unown when they looked up petrified, a large ring of at least 100 Unown hovered, and one hundred Unown plus one hundred hidden powers equals damage.
“Let’s take them out, go Pidgeotto wing attack.” Falkner nodded to the others, and they release their pokemon as well.

“Go Volcana use ember!” Ricky shouted

“Chicky try razor leaf!” Jessica shrieked grinning.

“Hoothoot use tackle.” the head Monk ordered.

The four pokemon’s attacks rushed at the cluster but an invisible wall blocked Volcana’s and Chicky’s attacks form touching them.

“What the hell” Ricky cursed, Pidgeotto and Hoothoot can get through it but no one else can.

“It seems to block any non-physical attacks... smart buggers aren't they?” Falkner sighed obviously annoyed.

Hoothoot and Pidgeotto kept up a steady pace, taking lots of Unown, but every time they disappeared they came back from their dimension again. The Unown got annoyed how mere mortals and their pets were killing the greatest species in the universe.

The Unowns hated them so much and tried to fire a hidden power at the Pidgeotto circling them and taking them down with ease. The ring of red orbs flew at Pidgeotto and it was too late when it saw the ring.

“Pidgeotto get out of the way!” Falkner screamed, the ring came closer and closer, but veered off in another direction. It didn’t touch Pidgeotto but the ring’s pulses made Pidgeotto fly back to the ground and leave it with two broken wings and its chest bleeding with a large slash through it.

The hidden power continued then hit a small home not too far, Ricky watched as the home collapsed but then realized who just died. Ricky fell to the ground and sobbed,that boy and his Onix... dead those *******s killed him. Jessica watched Ricky cry and looked she saw the home... and started to sob. Jessica wiped away the sob then looked up her pink eyes full of hate and lust.

“You’re gonna pay for that!” Jessica shrieked coldly at the Unown. They looked at her only to see ten of them taken out by a single razor leaf attack. The Unown glared then another hidden power was flung at Jessica, she saw it and stood like a statue shocked at what was to happen.

“Jessica, I’m coming!” screamed Ricky as he dashed towards Jessica before the attack had reached her. At that same moment it seemed that time had slowed down. Ricky could see everything all at once. Hoothoot shooting Hypnosis here and there,attack, the Monk crying out for Jessica to move out of the way. Chicky screaming at her as well to move, Volcana, trailing 3 meters behind Ricky. And Jessica as fear of death plagued her face along with Ricky. Ricky needed to get to Jessica before the attack but knew he wouldn’t make, but continued to run. Not the sake to be a hero, not the sake to prove that he was stronger than his brother, but for the sake of his most beloved friend.

“RICKY!”

“JESSICA!”
BAM!!

Ricky intercepted the attack and bones cracked, his chest ripped open and blood poured out of it like a waterfall of death. Ricky flown through the air and into a tree, all he could do was smile without hurting himself. Jessica cried out and ran to comfort him. Ricky looked at the blood draining from him as Jessica cried her eyes dry, he knew he was gonna die and there was no other way he wanted to accept with Jessica over him.

The Unown became furious, emotion, crying all of it was absolute to them, anything who had to rely on emotions must DIE. They looked in disgust as they launched another hidden power to end the lives of the teenagers.

Jessica placed her body as a barricade in front of Ricky, sobbing that death would come to them so soon. She looked away and tear drops hit the ground with a splash... but a cry was heard.
An ear splitting cry roared through Violet city as a scarlet red flame burst through the Unown and sunshine poured into the city.

The people in the city looked up to see a rainbow phoenix flew through the sky, as the magnificent creature flew scarlet flames struck the Unown, and sensing the danger flew back into the ruins.


A huge black stream of Unown darted down form the sky and went into the ancient ruins, two men at the ruins pushed a large stone in front of the entrance. they smiled and knew nothing was coming out ever again.

As Ho-oh’s cries echoed, golden spores flew from the sky, they landed on the ground and time began to heal itself.

Falkner stood over his Pidgeotto crying, as he looked at the body...blood still on his hands and robe form when he hugged his pokemon for the last time. Falkner closed his eyes and sobbed but the next thing he heard was Ho-oh screech and he looked up. Only a faint trail of gold dust left behind, he looked down and saw Pidgeotto’s wounds healing themselves.

The pokemon’s blue eyes opened and stared into Falkners brown, the pokemon glowed a blinding white and grew. Almost six feet tall stood a beautiful brown Pidgeot, his red and yellow mane trailing down his neck and back. Falkner hugged his bird, never wanting to let go.

“Ho-oh, was this all a test?” pondered The Head Monk as he stared high into the sky. He could see the rainbow, but Ho-oh had vanished as if it wasn’t even there to begin with. “What is going to happen in the future and will it concern these two?”

“Hmmm, so what are you thinking about Head Monk?” asked Falkner said walking up with his Pidgeot behind.

“You better be prepared Falkner, something big will happen soon, and we must all be ready for it.”

“I will be ready.”

“Ricky are you OK?” asked a worried Jessica, Ricky looked at the blood staining his jeans and jacket, Jessica cried.

"It's ok... I'll be alright." Ricky said weakly... trying to smile and looked into Jessica's beautiful eyes. Jessica began to sob, and Ricky looked away not wanting his final minutes to be like this.

A large white flash came from Ricky's jacket and Volcana appeared beside her trainer. Ricky smiled and petted her head.

"It will be alright, you'll be ok." Ricky barely said before going into a rage of coughs. Blood glided out of Ricky's mouth and hit the ground. Sky blue tears ran down Volcana's face as she could see the pain that Ricky was really feeling.

Ricky knew it was over... nothing could replace a broken ribcage, and he lost too much blood to ever sustain himself long enough to live through the operation. Ricky stared up into the beautiful sky, he looked at Ho-oh's rainbow trail and knew soon he'd be up there in the clouds. Ricky looked at himself, and a tear fell from his eye and hit the ground.

Ricky jerked his head trying to not show his weakness. Ricky saw a spore land near his hand, he looked around to watch as hundreds more spores landed around the two. Ricky weakly grabbed for the spore by his hands and started to glow a brilliant gold.

Jessica looked up wiping away her tears just to see Ricky float into mid air and be wrapped by the golden aura. After a moment Ricky fell to the ground, and he looked at himself...not even a scar. Ricky and Jessica looked at each other then grabbed each other tightly and hugged, nothing would pry them from each other at that moment.

“Thanks for saving me Ricky.” Jessica chocked out between tears.

“It was nothing.” Ricky replied smiling.

Falkner stood only feet away smiling, then looked at his Pidgeot and they both chuckled. Both trainers let go of one another quickly and started to blush madly.

The two young trainers looked up and saw a golden feather descend from the sky as both trainers reached up to grab it. The feather quickly disappeared and both trainers took on that same golden appearance, as did the feather for a few seconds.

“You know, in legends it says if a boy and girl touch the Golden Feather of Ho-oh, they will fall in love with one another.” Declared Jessica with a large smile.

Ricky then realized about the boy who saved him, then ran Jessica looked puzzled as Ricky ran away from their moment. Ricky finally found the house, somehow it repaired itself, and Ricky walked into the backyard only to see the boy crying over a dead Onix.

“He saved me from the destroyed building, but then got crushed.” The boy said sobbing that his beloved friend was now gone...forever. Just as the words escaped his mouth Ricky saw a gold spore fall only feet away, he grabbed the spore and showed it to the boy. The boy broke out in a smile and placed the spore on his Onix... and it glowed for a few seconds then disappeared.

“It didn’t work, the boy began to sob as he fell to the ground tears trailing down his cheeks.”

“Think again.” Ricky grinned as Onix roared behind him in happiness.

“Well I guess it is time to go out separate ways for now until we meet again.” Said the Head Monk.
It seemed like a parade stood, Falkner, Jessica, a boy on an Onix, all to show Ricky off.

“Well we will be off I hope to see you both again.” Said Falkner as he walked off with the Head Monk back into Violet City.

“So are you coming with me to Azalea town?” Ricky asked smiling at Jessica.

"I still haven’t got my badge, and Falkner’s Pidgeot looks pretty tough.” Jessica chuckled. Her Unown also floated to her looking at them talking.

“Well good luck Jessica, see you around.” Ricky shouted to her as he walked on the path of Route 32.

END

Yami Ryu
8th August 2006, 9:43 PM
“That’s right. Now hurry up and get Volcana and we can be on our way!” exclaimed Jessica who seemed to be overflowingwith energy like a six year old on a sugar rush.

I don't think 'spewing with energy' is what you're after :/ And the stuttering part could have been, emphisized, I think the word is, by actual stuttering/stammering like 'Je-jessica' or something like that.


“When you look at this, you will DEFINITELY change your mind, and keep your voice down or you are going to get us kicked out.” Jessica said in a quiet whisper that was loud enough to get Ricky’s attention. “Now hurry up and come into this room.” Barked Jessica, as she was very interested to be in such an amazing place.

Definitely could have been italicised, instead of 'shouted' as that'd defeat the purpos of whispering, and this part: Barked Jessica, as she was very interested to be in such an amazing place. irks me for some reason. It's the wording I know, but wondering how you could have done it differently.

Maybe: Barked Jessica, as she was very interested about being in such an amazing place.

Or: Barked Jessica, as she seemed very interested/intrigued about such an amazing place.


“Well I just want to see one up close.” Muttered Ricky.

“Ricky, could you tell me please what is happening to that Tablet behind that puzzle?” hollered Jessica who was petrified at what was happening.

.. Ok this confused me, first they go from staring deeply to eachothers eyes- meaning they must be close, to what, Ricky suddenly being away from Jessica, and able to know the question to Jessica's answer? Jessica strikes me as someone smart- and not about to ask a stupid question like that. I feel you could have done a better job in this area.

Overall you are improving- or atleast I hope it's you. And not the beta's, though there are missing commas in places and etc like that- like stacking scentences again :/

And how could an Onix get crushed? I could see a Golem- but Onix strike me as something alot denser/tougher than Golem.

Oh and another thing, you've misplaced speech quotations too.

This wasn't the greatest, but you finally earned some brownie points for finally listening to advice and using it CC.

JasperX
9th August 2006, 6:04 AM
I enjoyed the story. I dont think it was rushed but there were some problems in the story that I just cant point out but, I do agree with Yami Ryu about using italics and the things after his last quote. Coolcobra just keep up the good work! I cant wait to read (you could even say I watched it the next chapter!

coolcobra77
9th August 2006, 5:12 PM
Thanks for the reviews... and the ratings

YellowHat
16th August 2006, 5:57 PM
Your fics Ok, but you should add more detail. Also, try and make your words flow together better.

coolcobra77
25th August 2006, 5:13 PM
hmm thanks, and I'm hoping the next chapter will be done soon.

UltaFlame
25th August 2006, 9:41 PM
yeah i wanta see if you've improved. your taking your time with this chappie or your being lazy. probability says the former. but i can't be sure about how its going to turn out. so however it turns out is how it turns out. will review when you post it.

Cs32
6th September 2006, 4:54 AM
Ok, no offense...but this story needs help.

Punctuation-you dont put commas or periods where their needed sometimes.
Rush-those chapters were RUSHED so badly it wasn't even funny.
Mood-at one point of a paragraph theres happiness, sad, and fury all together. Makes it SO confusing.
words- you don't write the right words a lot, and when you do you make them seem like no sence or run ons and fragments. Heres an example of wrong wording.

"Cyndaquil!" He yelled. Wondering what he should do, he thought of a quick strategy, hoping it would work. "Jump back!"
Suddenly Volcana jumped backwards and held to the ground, while Pidgeotto flew straight over Volcana, then turned around to see where Cyndaquil was. Volcana already fired its ember, but Pidgeotto easily dodged it and came straight at the fire Pokemon.

Cyndaquil...wait, I thought the name was Volcana? You did this numerous times in that chapter.

You also rushed the scene of Ricky and all the unknown. Oh no he dies! The unknown are going to kill all. He is revived suddenly. Unknown go away.

Seem rushed? I thought so. If you actually take your time writing your chapters, you might improve. From what else I have read, you dont seem to be listening to your readers. Listen to them, they are like fuel for your car. They show you how to improve, you get better, and become a better writer from it all.
Later,
~~CS~~

coolcobra77
7th September 2006, 12:48 AM
You are right most of my chapters seem rushed and the cyndaquil thing is quite embarissing.

I changed that chapter and added more to the Unown chapter trying to make it more lengthy.

Yami Ryu
7th September 2006, 12:51 AM
You are right most of my chapters seem rushed and the cyndaquil thing is quite embarissing.

I changed that chapter and added more to the Unown chapter trying to make it more lengthy.

Why is it though when I pointed out the exact same things you ignored me basically/claimed you didn't rush ;/ And we perfer quality over length. Sure it's long but it's the skimpy sort of long that has palor innards. And you still left errors I pointed out :/

Cena_#1
7th September 2006, 11:59 AM
ash
may
brock
hikari

Divinity_123
8th September 2006, 12:11 AM
ash
may
brock
hikari

WTF? MAY BROCK AND HIKARI? Uh the names....what are they for? The name Ricky seriously sounds like a er ... forget it. I'm also creating a fic on Johto like this so the plot seems to be somewhat familiar to me. I hate Ricky. He just...sucks to me. I mean c'mon, only having a Cyndaquil!? Catch a damn pokemon already Ricky Bobby! Anyways I guess this story is okay. I'll give it an average rating. How bout making the pokemon talk and have emotion or something. Put some damn detail!

Leon Phelps
8th September 2006, 12:22 AM
^Why would you want Ricky to catch a Pokemon so fast. He hardly has any character development between him and his Cyndaquil. Pokemon talking? Lame. The only person I've seen pull that off well was Breezy. Otherwise it's just corny and doesn't make sense.

coolcobra77
8th September 2006, 2:02 AM
Ok I hate to do this but... (hope it's ok becuase these are very special circumstances) I have to double post...

Now the last 3 posters

especially Divinity...

Cena_1: That made no sense

Divinity: Most of youy post had nothing to do with this story at all. Only one sentance of it was a review. and that was "I give it an average rating."
And you don't have to talk avout your fic ideas, or how you want me to have pokemon to talk.

Leon: The catching pokemon too fast thing I totally agree...and pokemon talking + this fic = never, it just won't work with the direction this fic is taking. (Believe me I have the MAIN plot worked out just have to write each chapter and add details)

NOW I hate to double post but you forced me too!!!!

coolcobra77
8th September 2006, 2:06 AM
I dedicate this chapter to 2 ppl today
Jonouchi : He has left the team a final applause please!

Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter: Rest In Peace, and I pray for your family and 2 kids everyday. Killed by a tragic accident.

Now here it is:

Chapter 7: Water ways, and Dark caves.

As Ricky made his way through Route 32, he could hear the sounds of Pidgey chirping and the trees swaying left and right in the blowing wind. After what he just went through he was happy to see an area so untouched by civilization. Ricky finally stopped after becoming so parched and sweaty from the long trail he took to get here.

As he opened his water bottle and took a huge gulp, he heard a low hissing sound in the dark green bushes, and turned to face an attacker, but only saw a hand sticking out.

“H-Help me.” A weak voice called over to Ricky.

Ricky went over to the voice and pulled a bruised old man out of the bushes. The old man had on him a simple white stripped button shirt and black pants.

“Are you alright?” Ricky asked feeling concerned. "What happened"

“The Squirtle, it attacked me and others again!” The old man whispered.

“What Squirtle?” Ricky asked feeling even more puzzled.

“At the bridge, a Squirtle has been attacking people for days. So far no trainer could beat it.” The old man coughed out.

Ricky helped the old man up, and asked if he was all right. The old man replied with a yes and walked towards town. Ricky had heard of Squirtle attacking people in the Kanto region, but here in the Johto region it seemed impossible, since Squirtle were rare, if not impossible to find in Johto.

As Ricky ran towards the bridge, passing dozens of large pinecone covered evergreen trees, he saw a crowd gathering at a lake, and heard pokemon commands being called out. When he found the lake he took a second to catch his breathe as sweat dripped from his caucasian face.

When he made his way to the front to see what was happening, he saw someone. A Fisherman, wearing red clothes and a fishermans hat. He stared at the water, looking at something, then looked back at the blue turtle in front of him.

“Go Goldeen!" The Fisherman called out Take him down.”

A white goldfish looking pokemon jumped out of the water.

The Goldeen tried to tackle a oranged-shelled, mischievous Squirtle, but it dodged the attack and fired a water squirt at the fish. Goldeen was hit and sent flying onto the shore, with Squirtle snickering at another win.

Ricky saw as the villagers spoke, how they’ll never get through the other side to get to Azalea. They couldn't go the other direction because a pair of Ekans were mating there. Ricky clutched his pokeball and thought maybe he could catch the pokemon, he needed another to help him with the Azalea gym.

“Ok, Volcana!” Ricky ordered, as he sent out his partner. "Let's try an Ember!"

Ricky sent out Volcana, and shot small bits of fire straight at Squirtle. The Squirtle was caught by surprise and the Ember attack hit him squarely in the chest, however barely phased him. Squirtle got angry and jumped up to the bridge to face the Cyndaquil. The crowd cheered to see that someone might actually defeat the Squirtle. Squirtle had other plans though, and shot a water gun at Volcana, however the Cyndaquil’s speed easily avoided the attack.

“Finish this, Quick Attack!” Ricky screamed.

Volcana charged right past Squirtle, with a blazing white trail right behind her. Squirtle dropped to the ground, seemingly fainted. But...

“That was too easy.” Ricky chuckled as he pulled out a pokeball and threw it at Squirtle.

Squirtle had other plans, though. He chuckled a bit and hid into it's shell. And once that happened, he spun around and smacked the pokeball right back into Ricky’s face, causing him to fall on his bottom. Ricky had a bruise on his cheek where the pokeball hit him and was frustrated to be outdone by a such a small Pokemon. Squirtle then tried another rapid spin on Volcana, but this time, it hit him hard. Volcana slid only a few feet away, then released a involuntary ember. Squirtle withdrew into his shell and the attack barely phased it again.

“Oh man." Ricky said in an unpleasant tone. "That’s one strong shell.” Ricky pondered, only wanting to catch the rogue Squirtle more.

Squirtle jumped up and fired another water gun, this time hitting Volcana. She stood near the edge, and prepared for another attack. Squirtle instead jumped into the water and submerged downwards. Volcana walked into the middle of the bridge, trying to figure out where Squirtle would come out.

“Don’t let your guard down." Ricky said. "He can come from anywhere.” Volcana looked around and scanned the pond for any sign of his opponent.

Squirtle jumped right out of the water and smashed into Volcana. Squirtle then fired a beam of frost, known as an Ice Beam, and froze Volcana’s feet to the bridge. Volcana saw the danger as Squirtle started to suck in air for another water gun.

“Volcana, use ember to melt the ice!” Ricky shouted quickly.

Volcana used ember on its feet leaving some burns, but nothing the fire Pokemon can’t handle. Squirtle fired another water gun at her, but Volcana dodged it.

“Volcana, go ahead and make it rain fire!” Ricky snickered, and the crowd was utterly confused at what Ricky just ordered.

Volcana grinned, then jumped in to the air and fired hundreds of small embers. It looked like it was storming outside as the smoke from Volcana’s back created a black cloud of smoke in the sky. Squirtle tried to hide in it’s shell but it was no use. After a few shots burned his orange shell to black, Squirtle jumped into the water to dodge the fire.

“Where did he go?” Ricky pondered getting annoyed that it just jumped into the water, and it was gone.

Volcana dropped back on the bridge, and got ready to attack. Volcana saw an orange shell in the water and tackled it, in which squirtle was knocked back hitting the shore line. Squirtle accidentally let loose an ice beam which froze the water under Volcana’s feet giving it solid ground to stand on, saving it from falling into the water.

Squirtle got angry and started to spin making a typhoon in the other half of open water. The typhoon headed towards Volcana, but she avoided the attack by moving out of the way. The Typhoon fell and out came an Angry Squirtle rapidly spinning. Volcana was struck and almost fell off the patch of ice. Squirtle saw this and fired another ice beam, but Volcana slid out of the way and the ice hit another patch of the water. Freezing it over.

Ricky smiled and knew how to beat the annoying turtle. “Volcana keep dodging his ice beams!” Ricky shouted to the struggling Volcana.

Volcana turned his head and nodded to Ricky, knowing what he was planning. Volcana did so while the Squirtle got angrier, and kept firing random ice beams freezing more and more of the pond.

“Volcana try another quick attack.” Ricky said determined to catch this pokemon.

Volcana finally charged and sped past Squirtle knocking it over, leaving a smoke trail behind it. Squirtle jumped up and fired one last ice beam, it was a mile off and Volcana stood confused. Then Squirtle took a moment to notice what he had done, he froze the whole pond. There was no water he could hide in. Squirtle tried to use his water gun, but Volcana‘s speed was doubled on the ice, he had no chance.

“Volcana use the ice to slide past any attacks, then take it out with ember!” Ricky roared.

Volcana slid right past his attacks and fired an ember attack. Squirtle retreated into his shell, but Ricky just saw a giant hockey puck. Volcana smacked into the shell, making it slide all over the place. It smashed into the river banks and everywhere else in the now frozen river. At this point Volcana would just tackle it again. Then after two or three more hits, Volcana jumped on top of the shell. Squirtle finally pulled it’s head out, and didn’t notice Volcana above it.

“Volcana, tackle!” Ricky smirked almost bursting out in laughter at the oblivious Squirtle.

Volcana jumped up, and Squirtle looked up and Volcana came down with a slam. Squirtle's sky blue arms, legs, and tail came out of the shell, this added with the dazed look in its eyes showed it had fainted. Ricky threw a pokeball and absorbed the Squirtle in a red beam. trapping it inside the Pokeball. Ricky saw the ball wiggle around, showing that the Squirtle was trying to break free, but it didn't work. The red light of the tip of the ball dimmed with a "Ping." Squirtle finally was caught. The crowd cheered and carried Ricky and Volcana all the way to the pokemon center.

Ricky was awarded as a hero to their town and was awarded 2000 Pokedollars to award him, as well as the Key to the city. After that he headed to the Pokemon Center and gave his pokemon to nurse Joy to heal them up, while he got a good nights rest. Ricky got a small room, but it was very comfy. His room contained the various needs. A Bed to sleep on, A Closet for his backpack, and the dresser for his clothes

Ricky went to the pokemon center cafeteria, and had a few cheeseburgers. Ricky took his food, along with a can of soda, and sat down. His fight today really made him hungry and he ate the burgers in a matter seconds. He took his soda and washed it all down with a big gulp. He sure was starving.

As he went his way through the lobby, back to his room, Nurse Joy stopped him and came up to him with two Pokeballs in hand. Nothing could stop you from seeing her because her bright red hair stood out like a missing leg, or any other missing body part for that matter. She handed Ricky two pokeballs then smiled and walked away.

Ricky lied down on his bed most of the night going over some stuff in his mind. Then he thought what should I name Squirtle? Ricky started to think hard as he sat in the pokemon center. Squirtley is too cute and too girlish. Turtle is too un-original, and probably named by so many other trainers. He thought to himself one last time, and said Jet. Ricky liked the name and pulled out the pokeball and told Squirtle his new name. Squirtle was overjoyed to hear that his trainer liked him that much to name him.

Ricky woke up yawning and thinking about yesterday. He got himself set by putting on his gold, leather jacket, buttoning his blue, denim jeans, took his red backpack and slung it over his right shoulder and walked out of the pokemon center, eager to get to his next gym battle.

Ricky stared at the wide mouth of the cave, a dark hollow opening inside a rocky mountain and he could almost see some of the white on the tips. Zubat startled him when a whole flock flew out of the cave screaming. He wasn't scared, as he told himself, and went inside

Upon entering the cave, Ricky heard rocks tumble and looked around and saw nothing of the sort. Suddenly the cave began to shake violently. He then saw what appeared to be an angered Onix. He rushed over to the source and saw two men in black suits. Ricky wondered what they were doing until they turned around. This revealed large a large red “R” printed on the front. They finally came into the light and they were trying to capture a rather large rock snake.

The Onix tore through the steel mesh nets that the rockets were using and roared while smashing its tail on the ground. Boulders fell to the ground and almost killed Ricky. The Rockets knew the pokemon was now berserk and they ran for their lives. The Onix’s pupils shrank when it saw Ricky. Onix roared, and lunged towards Ricky, making him fall over.

Ricky jumped up and ran for cover behind a boulder. Ricky had only two pokemon, Volcana was no match for Onix with its small and vulnerable body. Ricky only had Jet... and it had one small advantage, its shell. But then thought of another risk... he only just caught it and it might not obey him at all. Ricky stared at the sphere and knew he only had one choice, throw it to the wind and pray to god. Ricky threw a white and red pokeball and out came the Squirtle with a large smile on its face, and large green eyes appeared. Jet’s eyes shrunk when it saw the out of control Onix standing above him.

“Jet freeze him over." Ricky shouted to Jet. "Ice Beam!"

Jet shook off his fear and fired a feint blue beam, but it missed and struck the stalagmites freezing them. Onix roared then struck the top of the cave with his large grayish tail making rocks fall onto Jet. Jet withdrew into his shell and used rapid spin to protect himself, the rocks ricocheted off it and smashed Onix in the face.

Onix threw its head back and smashed the frozen stalagmites. His head started to bruise and he got dizzy.

“Jet while he’s dizzy try another Ice Beam!” Ricky ordered to his surprisingly winning pokemon.

Jet launched another Ice Beam that struck Onix in the neck freezing the part of his body. Onix shook off the dizziness and threw its tail at him, forcing Jet to get knocked into the air. Onix then grabbed him with his tail and squeezed, Ricky then saw an opening.

“Jet use water gun on his face!” Ricky yelled to Jet who was being crushed harder and harder. Jet, with the little energy it was using, fired water gun at Onix’s face, Onix fell back and got angrier.

”Jet use Ice Beam on his tail then smash it!” Ricky called to his pokemon wanting to end it quickly.

Jet launched an ice beam and it hit Onix’s tail directly. Suddenly it froze to a sparkling blue color, Jet then used most of its energy to get itself out of the wrap and looked up to see Onix.

Suddenly Onix’s tail began to glow and it smashed into Jet sending it flying into a cave wall, as well as getting rid of the ice patch on its tail. But the pressure made Jet release a devastating ice beam freezing more than half of Onix’s body to the ground. Onix tried to move but he couldn’t he was frozen stuck.

Jet got ready and charged with a rapid spin into Onix’s face and sent a ripple through the whole body. Onix roared and the ice holding it together burst sending shards of ice everywhere. Jet withdrew into his shell and four shards bounced off.

Jet came back out and used almost all of its stored water for a last water gun attack. The attack drenched Onix and it started to lay on the ground, it was too tired to continue. Ricky looked at Jet who just fell backwards and looked as it was just as tired.

Ricky saw how powerful the pokemon was and knew it could stop electric pokemon from beating Jet. Ricky threw a red and white pokeball at Onix and it was absorbed into the ball. The ball began to shake, but it suddenly reopened, releasing the Onix again. "Come on you dumb snake just go in!" Ricky roared as he threw a blue and red great ball that Jessica seemed to have slipped him yesterday.

Onix tried to smash the ball in two with his rock hard tail but instead itwas swallowed by a red light and dissapeared into the sphere. Ricky stared at the sphere shaking again and again wishing and hoping it would finally stop moving. After a few more rocks it finally stopped and the cave was dead silent until a ping echoed from the great ball. Ricky picked up the great ball and saw the light outside the cave shine in.

He chuckled at Jet who fainted on the ground, he took out his pokeball and returned him. Ricky walked outside and started to bask in the warmth when he was confronted by two people in black. They were team Rocket members looking for a fight.

“We saw you catch that Onix." The Rocket snickered. "Now hand it over before we get messy.”

“We’ll lets get messy then.” Ricky shot back, almost snarling at the grunts.

The two Rockets sent out a Zubat, and a Ekans. Ricky took grabbed Volcana’s ball, but then decided differently and took out Onix’s new ball. A huge gray rock snake was released and it roared to the heavens. It looked down to see the two people who captured him and was gonna take no mercy.

“Onix use tackle!” Ricky commanded grinning, knowing Onix had no soft spot for the two. Onix lunged at Zubat but it flew away.

“Zubat use screech, and Ekans use poison sting!” The two grunts commanded simotaneously.

A huge sound wave blasted from Zubat’s mouth and Onix started to tremble, but then Ekans a storm of white needles were flying at Onix’s head. Onix shrugged off the attacks and grabbed Zubat with his tail.

“Onix use wrap!” Ricky smirked.
Onix began to squeeze as Zubat tried to bite to but no avail. Onix slammed the bat on the ground and Ekans tried to tackle the rock snake but almost nothing was felt by Onix.

“Use slam!” Ricky said smiling to see how strong the pokemon was. Onix launched his tail right at Ekans and it smashed Ekans into the ground.

“Try to take the overgrown worm!” The Rockets yelled at their pokemon. Ekans and Zubat got back up and tried to attack one last time, but this angered Onix so much.

“Send them flying Iron tail!” Ricky chuckled knowing what would happen.

Onix grinned wickedly then his tail began to glow a blinding light, after a moment the tail turned to solid iron and Onix smashed the two pokemon back into the Rocket members. The members fell to the ground and pushed the pokemon off them and returned them to their pokeballs.

“Run away!” The Rocket members screamed as they ran past Azalea town, and Ricky fell head over heels laughing, he saw nothing funnier in his whole life.

Ricky grinned and looked at Onix, he knew he picked a strong pokemon. Ricky then thought for one minute and decided to give his new Onix a nickname. Onix was delighted to hear his new name, Rocky, and Ricky jumped onto Onix’s back.

“Hey Onix mind giving me a lift the rest of the way to town?” Ricky asked his new friend.

Onix roared happily and they began to ride towards the horizon and Azalea town.

Divinity_123
8th September 2006, 2:10 AM
Well, it kind of gets boring. Cyndaquil all the time...er. Take out the Geodude from the box and train it. He seriously needs to use other pokemon. You can't tell me that he's going to burn the whole league with Cyndaquil and its evos only.

coolcobra77
8th September 2006, 2:15 AM
(off topic for moment but yet still on topic)

To God:

You have to be kidding me... the first guy who post when I put up new chapter is complaining I only use a Cyndaquil!

End

Divinity: read the chapter you'll understand why what you said is so dang ridiculous...

Yami Ryu
8th September 2006, 3:10 AM
As Ricky made his way through Route 32, he could hear the sounds of Pidgey chirping and the trees swaying left and right in the blowing wind. After what he just went through he was happy to see an area so untouched by civilization. As he made his way through to Azalea Town, he heard a low hissing sound in the dark green bushes, and turned to face an attacker, but only saw a hand sticking out.

“H-Help me.” A weak voice called over to Ricky.

Ricky went over to the voice and pulled a bruised old man out of the bushes. The old man had on him a simple white stripped button shirt and black pants.


What was Ricky's thoughts? Seriously there's no emotion or depth. this is also rushed and well, seriously you're still breezing through places and not having Ricky get weary, tired or sweaty. It's worse than the anime because atleast Ash and co get scuffed up every now and then :/ So no improvent right there for the problems I've repeatedly told you about.


“At the bridge, a Squirtle has been attacking people for days. So far no trainer could beat it.” The old man coughed out.

I smell SQUIRTLE SQUAD aka anime aka extreme un originality...


As Ricky ran towards the bridge, passing dozens of large pinecone covered evergreen trees, he saw a crowd gathering at a lake, and heard pokemon commands being called out. When he made his way to the front to see what was happening, he saw someone. A Fisherman, wearing red clothes and a fishermans hat. He stared at the water, looking at something, then looked back at the blue turtle in front of him.

Again rushed, again Ricky shows up not out of breath, sweaty or distressed in any way. Infact I suspect his teeth would PING if he smiled.


Ricky was awarded as a hero to their town and was awarded 2000 Pokedollars to award him, as well as the Key to the city. After that he headed to the Pokemon Center and gave his pokemon to nurse Joy to heal them up, while he got a good nights rest. Ricky got a small room, but it was very comfy. His room contained the various needs. A Bed to sleep on, A Closet for his backpack, and the dresser for his clothes

I'm sorry but let me go gag and throw up at how cliche and bad that was. Excuse me...



Ricky saw how powerful the pokemon was and knew it could stop electric pokemon from beating Jet. Ricky threw a red and white pokeball at Onix and it was absorbed into the ball. The ball began to shake, but it suddenly reopened, releasing a white silhouette. Jet was angry at how much work he did to wear it down and was not gonna let it escape, he stood up for one last time and shot a small water gun at Onix. The Silhouette disappeared back into the pokeball. Ricky picked up the pokeball and saw the light outside the cave shine in.

So Jet automatically obeys him, no questions? And didn't Ricky catch a Geodude? Where did the Geodude go? DID IT DIE? Also, Onix are EXTREMELY hard to capture as I think it's due to how ****ing big they are, that normal pokeballs, and even great balls have trouble with them. Hell I once encountered one that kept breaking ultra balls. Your pokemon battles are not only rushed, tacky and leave me wishing for even the Anime, but you have the pokemon as pokebots, and the capture scenes as well, something I would expect in a mediocre thing.

Which this was, is and is probably going to stay as.

Your attempt at emotions for the pokemon and humans is also poor and with how you describe it. Onix grinned an evil grin could easily be Onix leered with evil intent or even just a simple Onix grinned wickedly.

Overall your pokemon are pokebots. Ricky is a Mary Sue/Gary Stu|Sue, your chapters are rushed, you are still failing to TAKE IN THE ADVICE PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO GIVE YOU.

And now you have made me want to beat you over the head with the advice thread. Also, I do not like people joining band wagons and dedicating chapters and crap to someone that has died, when said chapter and crap was not made in their honor. :/

coolcobra77
8th September 2006, 4:24 AM
In order recieved

#1 :Emotion and depth, a hard concept for me to inject apparently, and somehow it still is rushed.

I made a mediocre attempt to add a sentance talking about Ricky actually being a human being and actually getting tired. I call this mediocre because if your told about it first it really isn't anything more execept a sad attempt to "bandaid" my horrible mistakes.

#2 : Jet = Squirtle Squad... this is one I actually know for a fact is not true.
When Jet was concieved it never had any connection to the Squirtle squad nor being inspired at it by all.

#3 Another mediocre sentance added

#4 Matter of opinion, you think cliche and horrible.

#5 I added another mediocre sentance before he released Jet... trying to interject probably in your words best "a poor attempt to put emotion into a character."

Onix hard to capture... I added something to try and make it slightly believeable but I doubt it will work like all my other attempts to make you less angry.

Geodude is in no way dead or gone... to put plainly he is not making an appearence yet.

Divinity_123
8th September 2006, 1:27 PM
(off topic for moment but yet still on topic)

To God:

You have to be kidding me... the first guy who post when I put up new chapter is complaining I only use a Cyndaquil!

End

Divinity: read the chapter you'll understand why what you said is so dang ridiculous...

I ment to post this before you posted the chapter. Haha sorry. I just read it now. Eh...it's good I guess.

coolcobra77
9th September 2006, 6:25 PM
After this chapter I'm feeling to go back to previous chapters and revise them so people actually read up to this chapter...so I wouldn't expect another chapter here for a few more weeks.

- Note: When I first posted the chapter wierd "Os" covered most of the quotes and other punctuation marks, if you have any info it would be helpful.


Chapter 8 : Buggy Bugsy

A red haired boy, with a shimmering gold jacket walked down the streets of Azalea town trying to find the gym. This boy with his blue jeans and shirt is our hero Ricky trying to find his way through life and apparently Azalea town.

After going two blocks he finally found a large green building, Ricky could see the ivy climbing up the walls Ricky immediately knew it was the gym because of 3 large red letters spelling out "GYM" on the roof. Ricky walked into the pokemon gym of Azalea town, and stared. All he saw were tall green trees, pale spider webs, and small ponds of sky blue fresh water.

"Welcome trainer, you have entered Bugsy's gym" A loud booming voice rang out.

"Where are you?" Ricky asked looking all around him to see absolutely nothing.

"I am the gym leader, Bugsy, and you must go through the maze of trees to find me, a small hint ... I'm in the middle of the gym. When you find me we battle, good luck." Bugsy stated over the intercom.

"I hate mazes... they s*ck so much." Ricky grumbled to himself.

Ricky thought to himself, all I have to do is get to the middle, I got an idea! Ricky pulled out a pokeball, a red and creamy white sphere. He released the pokemon inside, a giant grayish rock snake appeared. It was his friendly Onix, Rocky. Ricky told Rocky to use iron tail on some large, neon green, Willow trees to his right. Rocky did so, clearing a path to the second circle of the gym.

"Only two more circles until I reached the middle." Ricky thought angry to go through such a useless puzzle to try and weaken him. Ricky ordered Rocky to try another Iron tail on the second set of trees, but the trees were too old and didn't even crack.

"Dang it... now I have to find an opening." Ricky said sternly.

Ricky started to walk around the circle when he saw some younger green trees, near the middle. Ricky told Rocky to try plowing through the trees rather than attacking them. Rocky did so and finally they were in the last ring. Ricky saw that all of the trees were very old and Rocky could probably not plow through them.

Ricky continued with the maze then thought something. "Rocky pick up that old tree right there!" Ricky told his Onix. Rocky uprooted the tree with his strong solid tail.

"Now use that to chop the tree down, and we can get to the middle." Ricky ordered Rocky, still smiling about how smart his plan was. The tree finally was destroyed and Ricky stepped over it to face Bugsy.

"What a ... different way to get to the middle." Bugsy greeted as Ricky and Rocky entered the battle ring. She was wearing a green hikers outfit, with green shorts, that contrasted his purple hair.

"I don't like mazes..." Ricky said coldly.
"Ok, then lets get the show on the road, a three pokemon battle!" Bugsy shouted, then smiled. Bugsy released a Beedrill, a huge bee with yellow and black stripes on its whole body appeared with wings the size of Ricky's arms. Rocky was Ricky's choice.

"Round 1 Beedrill vs Onix!" Bugsy announced.

"Rocky try to use wrap, and take down that overgrown wasp!" Ricky smirked.

"Beedrill try your twinneedle!" Bugsy shouted to his pokemon.

Rocky's large gray tail swung at Beedrill wildly but to no avail. Beedrill flew pass the attempts of wrap like it was child's play, and gave Rocky two sharp blows to the neck. Rocky roared in pain as the barbs impacted at one of the few weak points in his rock armor.

"What the... but Rocky is a rock pokemon, a bug attack shouldn't hurt it that much." Ricky said out loud by accident.

"Do you think you're the first person to march in here with an Onix and try to take me down? I know all of an Onix's weak points by heart... I didn't pay my way into gym leader you know." Bugsy smirked.

"You should pay attention more often, look up." Ricky grinned and watched Bugsy look up to see his Beedrill being crushed by Rocky's large tail. "Now finish it up Rocky slam that bug into the ground!" Ricky shouted.

Rocky tightened his grip on Beedrill and slammed it into the ground. Rocky thought for sure it was finished. Suddenly a buzzing sound was heard from the crater that the attack created.

"Let's show him our poison sting Beedrill." Bugsy hollered to his Beedrill. Beedrill flew from the crater like a blur and a hail of white poison pins rained onto Rocky. Rocky tried to shut his eyes and looked away but the pins kept hitting his rock hard surface.

Ricky got angry... no way was Rocky going to lay down like a dog and lose. "Rocky swat that fly with slam!" Ricky roared and pointed at Beedrill. Rocky was relieved the order and almost as fast as a bullet a huge tail smashed Beedrill into a far off wall, leaving another crater.

"Beedrill use twineedle, then agility to stop from getting hit." Bugsy nodded to his pokemon, his purple hair flopping about. Beedrill became a blur and disappeared into thin air. Ricky and Rocky searched the room ten times over but saw nothing, until Rocky roared in pain.

"Rocky behind you, use rock throw." Ricky shouted trying to his Beedrill before another escape. Rocky grabbed a large tree and thought it would have to do. Rocky swung around and the tree flew at a yellow wasp. The wasp became a blur and before even a scratch was made it was gone.

Beedrill appeared by Rocky's tail and struck him again, Rocky tried to grab him but it was too fast. Beedrill repeated this maneuver and before long Rocky was almost at the end of his ropes. Ricky knew trying to attack Beedrill after it already attacked was no use, he would have to guess where it would come.

"Sheesh Ricky if this is how you train an Onix I don't want to see your other pokemon." Bugsy snickered thinking it was over. Ricky studied Beedrill quickly and saw his pattern in the attacks.

"Its over now, Rocky use iron tail behind your head!" Ricky commanded grinning at Bugsy's defeat. Rocky roared and his tail turned an ivory white as it swung around his head. Beedrill in bright yellow and black stripes appeared ready to attack but was shock to see a four hundred fifty pound, solid iron tail blazing at him. Beedrill was blasted into the roof and fell down to the gym's center.

"Beedrill come on you can get up we still got something up our sleeves." Bugsy yelled to his pokemon. Beedrill tried to fly up but it fell to the ground. Ricky smirked thinking no possible way it could survive that. But just as he said it Beedrill glowed gold and suddenly was rejuvenated.

"Hey what happened... one second it was on the verge of death now it looks like a million bucks!" Ricky snorted at Bugsy, suspecting foul play.

"It's called a berry Ricky... they are one hundred percent legal, check the rule book." Bugsy proclaimed. Ricky knew he was right and readied himself to face a hell of a fight.

"Go Beedrill try fury attack, second neck weak point." Bugsy shouted to his pokemon and the wasp used agility to sneak his way through Rocky's defense. Ricky knew it had to be the neck and told Rocky to ready himself. Ricky blinked and watched as Beedrill appeared under Rocky's head and delivered a series of furious uppercut attacks with its barbs at Rocky's Adam's apple.

"Rocky try to smash it with your head!" Ricky said under quick thinking, not his greatest plan but a plan none the less. Rocky swung its head just to miss Beedrill as it used agility to dodge.

"Ok lets stop this child's play use solarbeam!" Bugsy smirked. Beedrill's two barbs began to glow a leafy green as it charged up the attack.

"Rocky try to stop the attack by using rock throw!" Ricky hollered knowing full well if that attack hits it's over. Rocky tried to smash the bug but it used the last of its power form its previous agility boost to dodge them all. Rocky finally stopped to pant, this battle tired him out allot.

"Game over." Bugsy smirked. Beedrill understood the order and the barbs fired a huge neon green beam at Rocky.

"Knock it back with iron tail!" Ricky shouted at the last moment before he had no time left. Rocky roared a terrible roar as his swung his sold iron tail at the on coming attack. The neon beam struck the ivory colored tail violently and both attacks stood off in mid air for almost a minute.

Time pretty much stopped, Bugsy watched calmly assured his attack would get through, but Ricky stared wide eyed and worried. Only one thing allowed time to resume on that moment, the splash created by a sweat drop that hit the ground.

A black cloud exploded from the colliding point and surrounded the area. Bugsy and Ricky coughed violently, but Bugsy gasped when she watched a smaller neon green beam fly from the center of the ring. Beedrill is taken by surprised and the attack collides, and Beedrill flew back into the brown trunk of an old willow tree, fainted.

"Rocky has won the battle, my next pokemon is Metapod!" Bugsy announced and a blue, red great ball flew into the field and released a green, crescent shaped cocoon.

"Round 2 Metapod vs Onix!" Bugsy announced.

"That's it... you're sending a pokemon that can't even attack to beat me?"Ricky laughed.

"Looks can be deceiving." Bugsy shouted angrily.

"Whatever... all I know is that no way in hell will that thing beat Rocky." Ricky smirked.

"Metapod use tackle!" Bugsy ordered wanting to show Ricky up... it worked. Metapod jolted into action and smashed into Rocky's face leaving a nice red mark.

"You're gonna pay for that, Rocky use slam!" Ricky yelled. Rocky lifted his tail off the ground and tried to slam it onto MetapodÕs head. Metapod bolted itself out of the way at break neck speeds to easily dodge the attack.

"Now use string shot as a rope and tie it around Rocky's neck." Bugsy ordered smirking. A fine silver string, strong as steel flew around Rocky's neck and tied a tight knot.

"Rocky break that flimsy silk, then bash Metapod's head in with iron tail." Ricky snickered. Rocky pulled and tugged as hard as he could but it just wouldn't break.

"Now bolt up into the air, let go, and finish it up with tackle!" Bugsy hollered pointing at the gym's roof. Metapod tugged hard and sling shotes himself into the air pulling Rocky to the ground. Then Metapod let go of the string allowing Rocky to pull himself off the ground. But as he did it, Metapod sped like a bullet and smashed into Rocky's skull.

"Nice try but it will take a little more to take Rocky down... try wrap then slam it into a wall!" Ricky ordered. Rocky grabbed Metapod and squeezed allot of health out of it and then flung it at a wall.

"Quickly use harden!" Bugsy yelled out to her cocoon pokemon. Metapod turned a moldy gray for a moment then went back to its lush green, just in time to strike the wall of the gym. Metapod bolted back into the arena like nothing had happened.

"Impressed? Well with my harden attack it also makes Metapod's body stronger... and its tackle power is now doubled." Bugsy smirked at her intelligent tactic.

"Blast him with slam again Rocky!" Ricky shouted furiously. Rocky's rock hard tail smashed into Metapod full force but it barely moved a foot.

"Your Onix is finished, Metapod use harden then tackle." Bugsy said grinning. Metapod's shell became two times harder with harden then smashed into Rocky and bounced into a wall. Bugsy got an idea.

"Metapod use the wall and smash into Rocky again and again... just keep using the walls as spring boards!" Bugsy proclaimed quickly hoping for a fast end. Metapod nodded and flew off the wall and struck Rocky again and flew to another wall.

Ricky stared as Metapod became as fast as a bullet and zipped through the gym at super speeds. Rocky roared as he got struck in almost every place on his body, roaring in pain at each collision. Ricky knew it was over and watched as Rocky finally fell to the ground fainted.

"Rocky has lost, Metapod has won the battle." Bugsy announced.

"Try this on for size, go Jet!" Ricky snarled at Bugsy. Ricky threw the pokeball into the center and it opened releasing a orange shell. A sky blue head legs, and swirly tail opened from inside the shell and got ready to battle Metapod.

"3nd round begins, Metapod vs Squirtle." Bugsy announced.

"Jet try water gun." Ricky ordered, hoping his strategy would work. Jet opened his mouth and spiraling out came a pressured water blast. Metapod bolted itself in the air to escape the blow.

"Got ya... Jet quickly use rapid spin!" Ricky shouted as he pointed to the floating Metapod." Jet withdrew into his orange shell, and using a water gun propelled himself into the air at Metapod.

Bugsy knew in the air Metapod was totally helpless and made a mental note that Ricky recognized that weakness.

Jet smashed into Metapod and it dropped to the ground on its back. Jet dropped to the ground and got ready for its next order.

"Now let's see how Metapod likes snow, try ice beam!" Ricky shouted, grinning. Jet released a sky blue beam that struck Metapod hard and its health was being lost to Jet each moment.

"Were not gonna sit around and take that, come on Metapod use tackle!" Bugsy snorted, it seems Ricky got under his skin. Metapod launched itself forward and knocked into Jet sending it sliding a few feet back.

"Come on Jet use water gun again." Ricky said. Jet grinned and a water blast exploded form his mouth and struck Metapod with amazing force.

"Now try rapid spin." Ricky yelled. Jet nodded and retreated into its shell again and spun itself at amazing speeds. Jet then rammed itself forward and went on a collision course with Metapod.

"You think that is gonna work... you don't learn anything do you? Metapod use harden." Bugsy said taunting Ricky's moves. Metapod braced itself and turned moldy gray for a moment and became its healthy green the next.

Jet continued his rapid spin but as it collided with Metapod it didn't even leave a mark.
"Come on Jet don't give up... use water gun to slow down that sucker." Ricky said smiling at the turtle. Jet felt new found confidence and his water gun was stronger than ever.

"Hmm you tried at least... Metapod dodge, then string shot." Bugsy said holding her head down.

Metapod bolted to his right and the water gun didn't even touch him... then a white silk came flying out of Metapod and tied itself around Jet... making sure it can't move anymore.

"Now how about use harden and tackle together!" Bugsy smirked. Metapod increased its body's defense and flew at the constrained Jet.

Think Ricky think, Ricky pondered to himself, come on... I got it. "Jet use withdraw then rapid spin!" Ricky shouted enthusiastically.

"That will never work... my Metapod's defenses are off the charts." Bugsy proclaimed thinking that no matter what Metapod was safe.

"We'll see about that won't we?" Ricky said snickering. Jet retreated into its shell and spun like a twister, and it finally broke the string shot. Jet used another water gun to send it into the air and it struck the incoming Metapod head on.

Both pokemon stood silently in the air... waiting for one to fall and the other to become champion. "Freeze Metapod, use ice beam Jet." Ricky shouted.

Jet came out of his shell and bounced off Metapod to go a few feet up while Metapod hurdled to the ground. Jet's mouth exploded with an ice beam and it froze Metapod solid. Both pokemon dropped back to the ground safely, Jet and Ricky only could watch and grin how they finally won the battle.

Bugsy stared at her frozen cocoon and held her head in shame. It's impossible... I can't believe my Metapod lost to that Squirtle. So much training gone for nothing... I trained that Caterpie for months but this is all I got to show for it, Bugsy thought to herself.


"It can't end this way!" Bugsy roared into the sky, but as she did a look of grief and loss came over his face. Bugsy grabbed Metapod's pokeball from his belt and was about to hold it up to recall his pokemon when the ice began to crack.

An impression of shock stole Ricky's normally calm face... he couldn't believe his eyes. How could it survive and how could it break out of that solid ice alone? Ricky pondered to himself. It all became clear as the ice finally cracked open like a coffin and a white light shone bright onto the field.

The ice coffin opened up to reveal a beautiful Butterfree, three foot high white wings with black patterns pasted on them, round pink oval shaped eyes, neon blue nose, legs, and hands, all combined with one foot high antennas make Butterfree a sight to behold.

"Round 3 continued Butterfree vs Squirtle" Bugsy announced.

Ricky only had a couple minutes to attack while its vulnerable. Ricky knew that when a Butterfree first evolves it wings have to open up but it only takes minutes... minutes Bugsy might be able to be beaten in.

"Come on Jet strike it hard with rapid spin!" Ricky exclaimed. Jet nodded with a grin on its face and leapt at Butterfree with amazing speed. In mid air he sucked himself inside his shell and started to spin rapidly.

<Butterrrfreeeee> Butterfree screamed as the spinning torpedo rushed at it. SMASH! Jet collided with Butterfree and sent it sprawling to the ground.

"Now drown it with water gun." Ricky ordered. Ricky knew that hit must've hurt allot and although evolution helped it regain health it won't be enough to go toe to toe with Jet. Jet sent an enormous burst of water at the Butterfree laying on the ground trying to get up, after each attack Jet would step forward again and just send another burst of water gun making Butterfree slide on the ground farther and farther away.

Jet finally ran out of air and took a moment to take a deep breathe of air. Jet then turned its attention back to Butterfree and grinned wickedly. Jet's mouth exploded with a spiraling water gun and it flew at Butterfree with deadly speed and accuracy.

Butterfree saw the incoming attack and figured its time to fight back with its own power and not let some punk Squirtle take it down. Butterfree's wings burst open and a large gust flew at the incoming water gun.

The water gun stood no chance and the gust sent the water flying around the arena effortlessly. The worst part was the gust still continued on and shook Jet and Ricky quite allot. Jet fell over backwards and couldn't get up off his shell. Ricky had a stern impression on his face as he braved the gale wind that blew his jacket right off his back. After a few minutes of intense wind it finally died down to show a capsized turtle, an angry butterfly, and Ricky in his blue shirt and denim jeans standing in a destroyed battlefield.

"Go Butterfree use confusion!" Bugsy yelled with a look of great confidence on her face. Butterfree grinned wickedly when the thought of revenge came to mind. Butterfree's eyes turn a neon blue and a feint blue aura around Jet appeared.

Jet looked around rapidly sheer terror in his eyes shown most of all in this close battle. Jet rose up in the air and was flung like a rag doll into two trees then thrown on the ground and slid a few feet away from impact.

Jet tried to regain his balance but just as he did he was flung up into the air and juggled about... then the blue aura disappeared and Jet plummeted to Earth. Jet was about to hit the ground head first but Butterfree caught him only inches away... then flung him into a tree trunk.

"Come on Jet you can stop that overgrown butterfly, use ice beam!" Ricky snorted, he had a fire burning in his eyes and wasn't about to lose to a newly evolved Butterfree.

"Butterfree keep it trapped in confusion and you can't lose." Bugsy snickered. Butterfree picked up Jet, who had a small glint in his eyes, Butterfree also had small plans and turned Jet upside down giving him a shocked look on his face as he struggled in mid air.

Jet was sent flying backwards into a tree and released his ice beam, the icy beam struck Butterfree's beautiful wing and froze it solid. Butterfree struggled to fly but after a few moments finally hit the ground unable to carry the patch of ice what used to be called its wing.

"Now we have it, Jet use rapid spin." Ricky grinned happily. Jet sucked itself back into its shell and sped at Butterfree like a bullet. <Butttterfreeeee> Butterfree screeched as Jet came closer and closer. Jet blazed through Butterfree smashing it into the air, Jet appeared from his shell and fired a water gun at Butterfree smashing it into the dirt.


"Butterfree get up, and use gust again!" Bugsy ordered... both trainers are at their wits with this battle. Butterfree's wing ice broke after the attack impacted and it was free to use its wings to summon a might tornado. Jet was pulled off the ground and into the vortex as it raged across the battlefield.

Bugsy stood and stared as the vortex covered the battlefield he wasn't the least bit scared, nothing could rob this moment of victory from him... nothing. Ricky was almost parallel, he watched as the tornado raged and saw his little buddy being thrashed about from the high winds. Ricky was sweating bullets as he stared, he didn't have any idea what would happen... he almost didn't want to know because no matter what he wanted to change the ending.

Jet squinted as he flew around and around searching for Butterfree but then smash! Butterfree slammed into him sending him faster through the vortex. As he flew and flew his health was draining, even if he somehow survived there is no way he could fight anything else.

The ultimate plan rammed itself into Ricky's mind... it was a miracle he thought but it would have to work perfectly or else he would fail miserably. "Jet use water gun propel yourself into the air!" Rick roared over the tornado which dominated the field.

Jet nodded and took a huge breathe in before a stream or water poured out. The power pushed Jet's light body over the tornado and almost through the roof.

"Butterfree follow him up there and take him down with tackle!" Bugsy yelled as she pointed at Jet hovering in the air. After a few moments the gust died down to nothing and there stood Butterfree, it got angry and charged for Jet like a torpedo.

"You're so predictable, Jet use water gun then rapid spin." Ricky grinned. Jet unleashed another water gun and it struck Butterfree head on and wouldn't allow it to progress any further. Butterfree couldn't take the attack any longer and flew to the side to escape it, but Jet was expecting it to do that from the beginning.

Jet retreated into its shell and rocketed at Butterfree striking its back and making them both fly towards the Earth like a falling meteor. Ricky and Bugsy stared at it like it was a falling star, both pokemon rocketed to Earth at the speed of light one blink... it was over.

Dust exploded from the ground, rocks crumbled and dirt was tossed around the arena. Ricky and Bugsy looked like statues staring at the impact point. Rubble was littering the area, and all that was left was an orange shell and the purple body of a wrecked Butterfree.

"Both pokemon are unable to..." Bugsy began to say.

"What are you talking about, Jet is still alive and ready for round 4." Ricky smirked. Just as he did Jet came out of its shell and jumped out of the crater.

"How could it survive such an impact?" Bugsy gasped.
"Easy... its shell, harder as steel they say no impact like that can hurt a Squirtle when it's inside its shell." Ricky smirked trying to sound like he knew everything.

"Luck was on your side but my last pokemon will rip your little squirt to pieces." Bugsy said obviously annoyed at Jet for putting down her newly evolved Butterfree.

"Just bring it then." Ricky shot back.

"I will... oh I will, go Scyther!" Bugsy yelled and threw a black and yellow ultra ball into the air. The ball burst open to reveal a white silhouette. Long arms sharp as swords, two foot wing span, and deadly speed Scyther made Scyther a true contender. This four foot high green praying mantis was Bugsy's trump card, deadly attacks combined with its speed can even put a raging Gyrados in its place.

"Round 4 Squirtle vs Scyther!" Bugsy yelled as the two pokemon stood ready to rip each other to pieces.

"Jet try using rapid spin again!" Ricky commanded to Jet unknowing if it could even fight. Jet sped at Scyther at struck head on in its chest leaving a mark.

"Scyther use slash to take care of that squirt!" Bugsy ordered to Scyther. <scy> Scyther said then with its long blade like arms slashed Jet's shell.

"Ha, didn't even hurt it." Ricky commented.

"I wouldn't be so sure." Bugsy retorted. Ricky looked confused until a long slash mark appeared on Jet's shell. Jet sprawled out of it's shell and barely stood up.

"Now finish this, fury cutter!" Bugsy said and grinned with the thought of such an easy victory. Scyther leered with an evil intent and suddenly his arms began to glow a deep neon green. Scyther uppercut Jet with his blade, then went on a slashing spree and struck Jet time and time again before finally bouncing him up in the air and shot him down into the dust.

Ricky only could stare with awe as Jet was delivered the ultimate punishment. Ricky felt guilty for doing nothing... I could have, I should have he kept thinking to himself but it was too late... it was over. Ricky recalled his pokemon, and took out Volcana's pokeball.

"Volcana you're all I got left please don't lose, Scyther might be strong but I bet if were lucky we can win... I know we can." Ricky muttered to himself.

"Now let's do it, go Volcana!" Ricky yelled to the heavens and threw Volcana's pokeball into the arena. It exploded to reveal a small mouse looking creature, navy blue back with a cream colored underside, and finally after a few moments his back erupted in a glowing hot flame.

"Round 5 Cyndaquil vs Scyther." Bugsy announced and gave the hand signal to begin the match.

"Go Volcana try using your ember." Ricky yelled hoping type advantage might save him from getting killed in the match. Volcana opened his mouth and a small fireball blasted towards Scyther. Scyther just snickered and held up it's arms as a shield. The attack struck Scyther's arm and leaving only a burn mark.

"What the...?" Ricky gasped in surprise.

"Are you slow or what I've battled lots of fire pokemon trying to make it through this gym... barely any survived." Bugsy snapped at Ricky.

"Now Scyther try quick attack." Bugsy said and Scyther disappeared in a blur. Ricky looked expecting the attack to come from anywhere but in a blink of an eye it was already over. Scyther appeared and blazed a white hot trail past Volcana leaving a cut on her left side.

"We don't take this stuff hands down... try your quick attack." Ricky said pointing at Scyther. Volcana started running and blazed a trail right through Scyther.

Scyther turned with a agitated expression written on its face. The attack hurt but not too much, so Scyther wanted to deal out some serious punishment to the pips quick.

"Blow that mouse away with fury cutter!" Bugsy yelled across the battlefield wanting to take down Volcana in an instant.

"Use quick attack to dodge.!" Ricky quickly snapped back. Volcana barely jumped out of the way before a green blade came crashing onto its previous location.

"Just keep going, it will tire eventually." Bugsy ordered taking no chances in this match. Scyther slashed and Volcana blazed out of the way again, Scyther came from behind he bolted to the left. Scyther disappeared and came from his left, Volcana dodged forwards. This went on for many attacks until finally Volcana had to catch her breathe.

"Watch out!" Ricky screamed as he saw Scyther making a move. It was too late Scyther appeared out of thin air with an evil smirk on its face, Volcana closed its eyes as it volleyed into the air and spiked right back into the dirt.
Ricky stared, unable to say a work and unable to think of a way out he thought he should call it quits but he stopped.

"My brother would never call it quits... he would never back down. When the going gets tough I should get going." Ricky muttered to himself as he was about to raise his hand to call the match off. Ricky raised his head up and grinned... "No way I'm gonna lose again."

"Volcana attack Scyther when it isn't looking at you then unleash ember!" Ricky smirked and watched Bugsy's annoyed expression.

"Scyther turn around to face Volcana quickly!" Bugsy said after Ricky finished his order. Scyther did as it was told and turned around to see absolutely nothing. Scyther quickly turned around to see a red hot ember blast him in the face.

"Got ya." Ricky smirked.

"You're gonna pay for that... Scyther use slash!" Bugsy announced getting angrier by the second. Scyther wore an enraged look on its face and wasted no time in slashing Volcana in her right side making her vulnerable on almost all sides.

"Now Scyther fury cutter!" Bugsy proclaimed with a smile.

" olcana dodge it with everything you got!" Ricky quickly retorted.

It was just in time because Volcana barely was able to dodge the first assault, but Scyther came again and knocked Volcana down to the ground. Scyther appeared above Volcana and tried to end him but Volcana used quick attack to slide between his feet and tackle Scyther to the ground.

Volcana stood ready to dodge another blade but didn't expect Scyther to pull off a disappearing act . He appeared on Volcana left and cut through him like butter. Volcana weakly stood up but when he saw an incoming blade quickly jumped back in the knick of time. Scyther tried to slash slow but Volcana jumped over it with ease, but had no way to expect another slash that sent him sliding several feet away.

Volcana began to pant, it couldn't keep up with Scyther even how hard it tried. Scyther's speed was nothing easy to overcome but added on with expert training was too much for Volcana.

Volcana kept trying though even if it still might lose. Scyther gave another uppercut strike to Volcana sending it high into the air where the many cuts and scrapes were easily visible.

Scyther appeared like an angel, the light hitting him made him glimmer, but his attentions were more like a demon out of hell. Scyther swung its arm back and swung it forwards like the final blow a true swordsman would make. Volcana fell like a rock, crashing into the ground and started to roll practically stopping at Ricky's feet.

"It's ok Volcana you don't have to fight anymore you did a good job." Ricky spoke in a soft tone to his best friend. <Cyndaaaa> Volcana cried weakly nodding not to end the match. "That's insane look at you, your more cut up than a steak." Ricky said quickly trying to talk his pokemon out of it.

<Cynda!> Volcana snapped back at his master,and then weakly stood up. Ricky stood dumbfounded at what his pokemon just said to him... he couldnÕt understand exactly what he said but from the tone and his emotion he could tell. Coward... he only heard it a few times in his life and they were some of the worst times.

Ricky watched as Volcana stood up and charged at Scyther trying to tackle it down to the ground. Scyther knocked it back without even trying. Ricky always thought he was brave, always thought he was a courageous person. He could do any dare and not even flinch... from hopping on stones over a waterfall or jumping over houses, he could do it.

He thought it meant he was brave, doing things that would make other people quiver... he always thought that meant you were brave but at that moment when his own pokemon called him a coward he realized what it truly meant to be brave.

"In the face of death or defeat you must stand tall, and that's how you find true courage." Ricky heard the expression before but never gave much attention because he thought he was the bravest. Volcana got smashed to the ground for the third time and landed at Ricky's feet.

Volcana barely stood up and as he did he fell down again. Ricky stared down as Volcana struggled to finally get up and she panted so much it could melt a glacier.

"Volcana are you ready to win this fight?" Ricky grinned. <Cynda> Volcana quickly replied. "Then lets give it all we got... no regrets right?" Ricky said. <Cyndaquil> Volcana replied. Ricky finally pulled his head up and stopped sulking. "Then lets finish this fight." Ricky roared with glee.

<Cynda> Volcana smiled but suddenly the flames on her back turned an ivory white and enveloped her whole body. "What the...?" Ricky said before he finally realized what it was.


The ivory light disappeared to reveal a sleek new form. Still keeping a navy blue topside with a creamy white underside, but with a few small differences, two red holes on top of its head and three near its rear. <Quil!> Volcana cried in a deeper voice as its head and rear erupted to life with red hot flames. Volcana had evolved, Ricky’s first pokemon finally evolved and not a moment too soon.


“Round 5 continues Scyther vs Quilava.” Bugsy announced clearly annoyed and angry at the advantage Volcana’s new form gives.

“Scyther take it down use slash.” Bugsy ordered.

“Dodge it with quick attack, then try ember.” Ricky said, his confidence written across his face. Volcana moves faster than a bullet and Scyther didn’t even get near touching it. But was terrified when a medium size burning meteor crashed into it, leaving severe burns around its chest.

“Woah... one strong ember attack.” Ricky muttered to himself.

“Now try smokescreen!” Ricky yelled. Volcana opened her mouth and immediately a black cloud enveloped Scyther. “Now use tackle to take it down.” Ricky called to Volcana. Volcana rushed into the black smog but all that came out was a green praying mantis that landed squarely on his back.

“Come on Scyther take it down with slash.” Bugsy called out. Scyther slashed Quilava hard on the right side and made her slide back a couple of feet, but honestly it didn’t phase her at all.

“Take it down with quick attack.” Ricky proclaimed pointing at Scyther’s chest. Volcana nodded and grinned then as quickly as it could run it disappeared. Volcana sped around in triangle formation. It would be at one point then as soon as Scyther looked it would be at another. Scyther rapidly shifted his body trying to catch up to Volcana’s agile movements. After a few more minutes Scyther finally made itself confused and ultimately left itself open for attack.

“Now while its weak finish this!” Ricky yelled to volcana. Volcana stop moving and grinned then threw itself at Scyther bashing it hard and making him slide several feet away.

“Scyther this is our last chance! Use fury cutter and don’t let up.” Bugsy called to his mantis pokemon. Scyther wore an angry expression on his face... he had never been out sped by any pokemon and he didn’t want to start now.

Scyther’s arms began to glow a deep neon green again and Ricky knew what was coming. He knew sooner or later he would get under Bugsy’s skin, and this my friend will become his downfall. A raging Scyther is something to be worried about normally, but Ricky was confident that Volcana’s new found speed can out run anything Scyther can dish out now. It was truly quite clear by the lack of grace and the sweat beading down Scyther’s neck he was tired, but Volcana on the other hand was only getting started.

“Volcana dodge it quickly!” Volcana easily dodged the few initial assaults and had to leap over a few come from behinds but it was nothing to her. Scyther on the other hand had to stop and pant after each assault, it may be fast but just couldn’t keep up after how much damage it took.

“Good work now try to tackle it.” Ricky called to Volcana and she nodded then turned to Scyther and dashed forwards. Volcana leaped into the air and piloted himself at Scyther’s head. Scyther snickered expecting her to do this. Volcana was slashed hard along the chest and rolled away several feet and weakly stood up ready for the next strike.

Volcana was lucky enough to be able to bolt out of the way at the last second of the next strike. Scyther appeared from behind using quick attack and was about to make mince meat of Volcana. Scyther disappeared again and Volcana searched around the room wildly trying to get a glimpse of her enemy but it was too late. Scyther struck Volcana high into the air and suddenly appeared over her.

“Quick dodge fast!” Ricky called out to Volcana as sweat rolled down his face, Ricky was getting tired and more worried each passing second. Volcana opened her eyes and disappeared from plain sight. Scyther slashed only to hit thin air he looked wildly until he saw Volcana standing in front of her master.

“Now lets finish this battle, give it your all use ember!” Ricky shouted to Volcana more confident then ever. Volcana nodded and took a deep breathe in, suddenly her flames went out. The whole room stood silent as Ricky grinned, Volcana stood, and Bugsy looked plainly confused. Suddenly fire erupted from Volcana’s mouth in a blaze of flaming glory. The fireball was fast as a mustang and enveloped Scyther in moments.

Scyther screamed in pain as the searing flames ripped away at his body, he couldn’t stand it and after a few moment the flames stopped a scorched black Scyther fell to the ground. Bugsy held his head in shame... he never would of thought he could lose to Ricky.



“Scyther is unable to battle... Volcana has won the round and the match.” Bugsy said still holding her head down.

Ricky turned around and walked a few feet and picked up his gold jacket and slid it on.
“You gave it your all... you shouldn’t have any regrets if you lost.” Ricky told Bugsy softly and broke a smile.

Bugsy picked up his head and smiled. “Your right... me and Scyther gave it everything we got, we shouldn’t ever regret that.” Bugsy said.

Outside the gym’s front doors Ricky, Volcana, Bugsy, and Scyther all stood laughing.

Bugsy handed Ricky what seemed like a lady bug, with its red back and five black spots. Ricky was unsure what he had gotten until Bugsy explained.

“It’s the Hive badge... look closer.” Bugsy said rubbing his head. Ricky looked closer, and smiled.

“It was a good fight, I’ll never forget it.” Ricky said shaking Bugsy’s hand and walked
Ricky smiled and took off with Volcana by his side.

<Scy> said Scyther. “I’m sure they’ll go far.” <Scyther> retorted Scyther. “Yeah they do have a very close bond... and that’s why they beat us, their bond was just a little bit closer than ours. they’ll go far and do the greatest things if they only keep that bond in their minds and souls.” <Scy> Agreed Scyther.

Ricky and Volcana walked toward the pokemon in the horizon and he started to look down at Volcana. Ricky stared at her and wondered, “How long until she could release her true power in battle?”

Cs32
10th September 2006, 5:33 AM
^Why would you want Ricky to catch a Pokemon so fast. He hardly has any character development between him and his Cyndaquil. Pokemon talking? Lame. The only person I've seen pull that off well was Breezy. Otherwise it's just corny and doesn't make sense.

Ok, your wong...many people have shown pokemon speech and had it work. Like for example, my favorite fic called Pokemon Revolution Johto.

Oh, and what the heck? An Onix?? That doesn't seem like a beginners pokemon, and he has his Geodude which is dead to this fic so far. So, two rock types? Your still rushing everything, you don't give your readers the glued-to-seat-can't-stop-reading reaction. The battles need work to, you should read some other good pokemon fics to get a good idea on how to write. I can supply you with the fics, if you want.
Later,
~~CS~~