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UltaFlame
18th July 2006, 10:38 PM
Marty is a Marill who lives in a forest near Cerulean City and has many friends althouh this isn't my first work of writing it is my first pokemon fanfic. hope you like. Can't wait for the reviews on the Prologue.

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Prologue

Marty the Marill was walking down the streets of Cerulean City. Now Marty was in the area where this big giant rectangular thingy that sometimes shows big moving pictures (ok don’t tell me I’m not smart for not knowing what a TV is I mean the story is being told from a Pokemon’s point of view ok) and he started thinking that if he HAD to be caught by a trainer he hoped it would be the gym leader of this city. Marty takes a big risk walking down the streets of Cerulean what with all the kids wanting water type Pokemon and there parents trying to capture any one they can come in contact with to please there aspiring young trainer who wanted to be just like the gym leader. Marty was always careful though but today he was stuck in his thoughts when suddenly…

“I’ll catch you for my son” a man said throwing a pokeball, “and he will probably call you Fred”

Out of the pokeball popped a Jigglypuff which Marty could tell had either had no or next to no battle experience at all. Maaaaaaaariiiiiil Marty shouted blasting a bubble beam attack on the amateur Jigglypuff. Being pelted by an onslaught of bubbles Jigglypuff cried out Jiiiiiiiggggglllllyyyy it was easy to tell that Jigglypuff was getting weak and only after one attack. I knew it was low on battle experience but taking that much damage from one bubble beam come on usually they at least try to withstand more than that Marty thought waiting to see what attack the opposition would try to launch at him if it was a sing attack Marty knew what to do.

“Jigglypuff use your double slap attack” the man called out to his Pokemon.

Jiiiiiiiiiiiiigggggggglllyyyyyyyypuff the Jigglypuff called out and jumped at Marty. Marty knew what to do to dodge an amateur Jigglypuff’s double slap attack and quickly jumped out of the way as the Jigglypuff started slapping rapidly. With no target to hit Jigglypuff lost its balance and stumbled giving Marty a chance to attack. Maaaaaaaaarrrriiiiiiiiillllll Marty shouted launching a water gun attack as the gushes of water spewed out of Marty’s mouth fainting the Jigglypuff as the trainer ran away the giant rectangular thingy that sometimes shows big moving pictures (ok I know the same description as before but like before I’m going to tell you that the flippin story is being told from a Pokemon’s point of view so don’t complain to me about it) flashed and a picture of a news lady flickered on the picture part.

“I now bring you to the Cerulean Gym entrance where Misty the elegant and beautiful Gym leader is going to tell us something” the anchorwoman said as the camera moved to a shot of Misty.

“Hi everyone” Misty said while giggling “today I met a new friend he’s a Marill and I rescued him from a falling tree last night and he followed me home I asked him if he wanted to stay with me and well he just lit up with excitement” Misty said in the most cheerful tone possible.

“Well you heard it here Misty has a brand new Pokemon how exciting is that I for one believe its fantastic” at this moment she puts her hand to her ear and states that “ooh sorry viewers but were all out of time” at that the giant rectangular thingy that sometimes shows big moving pictures (now I’m going to tell you one more time the story is being told from a Pokemon’s point of view so don’t hinder me) flashed again and the picture disappeared.

Oh man Marty thought while saying (in a low tone) Marill. He wanted to continue seeing the big picture of Misty. Marty always hoped to be Misty’s Marill well that is if he ever got caught. He even hoped to be caught by Misty but now that just doesn’t seem possible.

Out in the forest east of Cerulean City Marty was sluggishly walking in his favorite clearing when his best friend Perry the Pikachu walked up with a big grin on his face Hi Marty how’s it goin Perry said in poketalk. Marty just looked glumly up at his peppy friend for a few seconds and then looked down. Perry figuring it out said glumly oh.


What is wrong with Marty. Why did Perry seem so glum after Marty looked at him

Zephyr Flare
18th July 2006, 10:47 PM
I have a new friend, it's called the Punt-a-bat.

Anywho my strongest sugegstion is to scoot on down to my Advice thread and quick hitch up with the rules thread just to be on the same side before I am forced to use this bat :)

It's got the length but the apragraphing is iffy, we have a pokemon speaking but really doesn;t feel like it, random ()'s everywhere, and it is jumping all over the shot.

Now off you scoot.

Sandra

UltaFlame
19th July 2006, 4:04 PM
yeah i never had anyone read this one before and i tried a new style of writing on this one i'll see if i can do betteer on my first chapter i don't really have high hopes for this just using it to test what people think about my writing. but thanks for the review will try to put it to good use

UltaFlame
21st July 2006, 5:46 AM
ok i finally finished chapter 1 it isn't too long i think and i hope i get more reviews this time and i think i made the poketalk more evident this time around hope you guys like
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Chapter 1


Pat the Poliwag couldn’t wait to get to Cerulean City. Pat was a Trainer’s Pokemon but he was ok with it. Matt his Pokemon Trainer was a good friend to Pat and always made sure he wasn’t too badly hurt after a defeat. Today Pat couldn’t wait to finally be released from his Pokeball so he can fight against Staryu, Starmie, or Horsea. Pat was energetic and always ready for battle even after he was beaten he kept trying to get up and keep going but sometimes that got the opposition to attack with a decently painful attack of there main element. Even so Pat enjoyed battle and couldn’t wait cause today they get there second gym badge.

As Matt’s bike turned a corner he crashed into something. Oh god what did I hit it must’ve been real small I didn’t even see it Matt thought to himself then noticing the Marill fallen on the ground trying to get up. Oh what should I do what should I do Matt thought in panic for it was against the law to hurt a pokemon outside of a Pokemon battle. I’m in big trouble he thought but suddenly he got an idea that’s it I’ll tell the Officer Jenny and Nurse Joy here what happened hopefully they’ll understand. Matt then scooped up the injured Marill and bolted for the Police Department building. At the same time he grabbed his cell phone from his bag and dialed the Pokecenter of Cerulean City. As he rounded the last corner to the Police Dep. building the Chansey picked up the phone calling out its name “chaaaaaaaansey”.

“Hey Chansey I HAVE to talk to Nurse Joy now!” Matt shouted into the phone.

“Hello who’s speaking” came the familiar sound of Nurse Joy’s voice (they all sound basically the same and there’s one in every town). “If your calling I have to presume there’s an emergency so please tell me what it is”.

“Yeah there’s an emergency but I’m running and can u head to the Police Department building please I’ll explain it to you and Officer Jenny” (oh and by the way like nurse joy Officer Jenny has a family member in every town that looks and sounds alike). “Sorry got to go now I’m at the Police building bye”.

Nurse Joy put up the ‘house call in progress be back soon’ sign up and headed out the door. She got in her car and started to head to Police HQ of Cerulean City. About two minutes later she arrived thinking gee something bad must have happened that boy sounded really urgent. As she walked in she saw Officer Jenny waiting beside a young boy.

“Nurse Joy over here we were waiting for you” Officer Jenny called over in a fained cheerful voice.

“What’s the emergency” Nurse Joy said.

“Just come in here” Officer Jenny replied leading Nurse Joy into an interrogation room.

When they were all in the room the expression on Officer Jenny’s face changed from a happy smile to a serious grunt. “Now hurry up and tell me what happened to that Marill young boy” she shouted closing the door behind them.

“Officer Jenny don’t be like that he came here to tell us he obviously one didn’t do it two didn’t do it on purpose or three feels guilty about what he did” Nurse Joy said with a light shout.

“Uh can I just tell you what happened already” Matt asked the two ladies. “Well I just got into Cerulean City and me and Pat that’s my Poliwag by the way couldn’t wait to battle the gym leader here so we can earn our second gym badge ok” Matt said beginning to recollect the day starting when he got into Cerulean City.

“Ok” Officer Jenny said writing down what he said.

“When I made a turn I didn’t see this poor fella and crashed into him I was going pretty fast and at first I panicked but in the end I figured best choice is to just tell you guys”. Matt said finishing his recollection.

“Well you did the right thing boy just hand that Marill over to Nurse Joy and we can be on our way back to our daily lives” Officer Jenny said before stating, “then again this IS my daily life oh well c ya later”

“Just give me that pokemon and whoa!” Nurse Joy said

“What is it!” Officer Jenny shouted running into room again.

“I don’t think I ever treated this pokemon and it looks like its had a lot of battle experience its hard to believe it was never beaten or caught before” Nurse Joy said “this little guy must come into the city a lot it wouldn’t be this powerful if it stayed in the forest its whole life like most Marill around here”.

Officer Jenny thought about how strange such a powerful pokemon is living near Cerulean City its strange how such a pokemon could get this powerful when there are mostly amateur pokemon trainers, and weak pokemon the most powerful trainer is Misty. “That is strange I thought you’ve treated every wild pokemon at one time or another”.

“Now it is strange but it’s had to have been battling for at least 2 years” Nurse Joy said running out the building with Officer Jenny and Matt following behind. “Well I just got a package from Professor Oak and it’s supposed to allow people to understand Pokemon talk although it hasn’t been tested” Nurse Joy said turning from a serious voice to an unsure one in the middle of talking.

After jumping into Nurse Joy’s car Nurse Joy thought (she’s at the wheel) hehe time to put the Pedal To The Medal and almost immediately after finishing her thinking Stomped her foot on the gas pedal and peeled out. “Woohoo” Nurse Joy shouted.

“Can (bump) you (bump) slow (bump… again) down (a really big bump) please” Officer Jenny said.

“Uhhh (kabump) sure (KAPLUNK)” Nurse Joy said slowing to a stop outside the Pokemon Center.

After about three hours of surgery on the Marill Nurse Joy walked out with a grim look on her face. “What happened to the Marill” Matt shouted now with Pat on his lap.

“Poli Poliwag wag Poli” Pat said in a concerned voice.

“He asked what happened to the Marill is it alright” Matt said translating for the two women.

“He’s fine but what I’m worried about is this Marill wont talk and the only way I know what he’s feeling is the look on its face” Nurse Joy said sounding as if someone just died. “The look on his face says serious depression” Nurse Joy sounding even grimmer.

“Marill” Marty said walking into the room with the person who hit him and the person who helped him. “Maaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllll” Marty screamed launching the most powerful Water Gun he could muster. “Mar (he takes a deep breath) ril (another deep breath) mar (again) ril”. (Before the next part Nurse Joy Remarks about how powerful Marty [not using his name] is because he launched such a powerful attack with so little strength left) After panting Marty fell unconscious. After he woke up it seemed like forever and the person who ran him over walked into the building.

“Hey Matt how was your gym battle against Misty go” Nurse Joy asked.

“Not too good it started with me beginning with Chat not smart” Matt said. “Chat is my Pikachu”.

Now begins a flash back to the battle between Matt and Misty lets begin shall we. “Go Chat” Matt shouted sending out his Pikachu.

“PIIIIIIIIKAAAAAA” chat shouted sounding really eager to battle

“I choose Staryu” Misty screamed at the top of her lungs also doing a midair flip (ok now I usually just do a {Matt shouted} type thing but you know I like to put a new piece of pizzazz).

“Chat use thundershock” Matt yelled throwing his fist in the air. The jet of electricity bolted (get it [electricity-bolted] ha ha it’s a joke umm… maybe it wasn’t that funny) toward the opposing Staryu.

“Staryu dodge and use a backwards rapid spin combined with a water gun” Misty yelled. Staryu jumped out of the way just in time and dodged the thunderbolt. Then still in the air started spinning rapidly and then launched a water gun propelling him forward at an alarming rate then crashed into Chat instantly fainting the Pikachu.

We now end the flash back to Matt vs. Misty and continue where we left off. “And that’s how it went my only Pokemon other than Chat is Pat here”.

“Oh” Nurse Joy said sounding as if she paid absolutely no mind to what Matt just said. “You know what I think I think this pokemon ha been depressed for at least a year or two that means he probably didn’t battle in that time maybe if he gets revved up in a battle he won’t be so depressed.

Little does Matt or Nurse Joy know that Marty walked out of the building thinking that girl had a good idea but I’m not gonna battle some ordinary trainer oh no I’m gonna battle Misty and I’m not going to lose it just simply wont happen. After about an hour or three Marty finally found the Gym he strutted inside I’m gonna win no doubt about it Marty thought but he just couldn’t shake the sadness it overwhelmed him.

“Marrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiill llllllllllllllllllllllllllll” Marty shouted so loud it echoed throughout the entire building.

“Huh what’s a wild Pokemon doing in the Gym” one of Misty’s older sisters asked running into the room.

“Why’d ya ask me I dun have a clue” another one of Misty’s three older sisters replied. “Oh and by the way where’s our other sister” (no she’s not talking about Misty I just don’t know what Misty’s older sisters names are and I did not come up with Misty or her sisters so I can’t make up a name so I had to tell you like this sorry for the inconvenience and extra time and space taken up to make this note for you to read but I had to tell you these facts).

“I think she went to that new hair salon down the street” the first sister answered. “But we should probably tell Misty that there is a Pokemon here HEY MISTY.” She said turning from a normal inside voice to a scream.

“What what is it” Misty said carrying her Togepi and running into the room “oh I see a wild pokemon I’ll take care of this one” Misty said matter-of-factly.

“Marill mar”. Marty said confidently.

“Oh so that’s how it is huh?!” Misty shouted twirling in midair and sending out her Horsea into the water of the battle field.

“Umm not to interrupt your battle before it begins but…” Misty’s two older sisters said in unison. “Do you have any idea what that Marill just said” still in unison.

“Stop interrupting my not started fight” Misty shouted.

“That means no” they said in unison again.

“Arrrrrrrrrrrr” Misty growled beneath her voice. “Whatever lets start this fight!’ She shouted.


Marty gets run over bye an aspiring young trainer who wants to earn his second badge. Later Marty wakes to find the kid who ran over him which he attacked then blacked out again. Now he has to face the gym leader of Cerulean City can our little hero over come this danger find out next time in chapter 2!

Yami Ryu
21st July 2006, 6:13 AM
No one really likes to have a chapter spoiled to them so first cover those spoilers up with the spoiler tag.

Secondly, your chapter was rushed- your characters are bland. You put little emotion and description into the story it seems after the first two paragraphs and you seem to try and fly everywhere with your chapter.

Your grammar errors are also ... Uncapitalised names, missing periods, commas, exclimation marks and question marks. Or they're on the wrong side of the speech quotation.

... there's really no difference between your prologue and this chapter, save the fact of length, and finally using speech quatations correctly. Your characters are still flat and bland, the story is still flat and bland, and you're puttering about and not gonna really get anywhere not trying.

So stop half assing it kid :/

UltaFlame
21st July 2006, 6:53 AM
ok that was mean.

I said before it's my first pokemon fanfic and i tried to improve. also how'd i spoil it. The italic at the end of the chapter was a recap of chapter 1. (if thats what you meant) also i am trying to change my previous form of writing. what do u mean not capitaled (i checked like 50 times even had other people check it) to make sure it was good and set to go.

Yami Ryu
21st July 2006, 7:05 AM
ok that was mean.

I said before it's my first pokemon fanfic and i tried to improve.

And see my little respect for you disappear when you use first fanfiction as an excuse. And the only thing I saw you try to improve was the LENGTH of the story and the GRAMMAR. But you ignored the REST of the story. Which isn't good. Also- I don't care if I come off as mean.


what do u mean not capitaled

gonna copy a friend of mine and say: ... can you speak english? :/


“Nurse Joy over here we were waiting for you” Officer Jenny called over in a fained cheerful voice.

That easily could become, and more realistically;


"Nurse Joy," Officer Jenny said as she approached the pink haired nurse, her expression grim even as she tried to appear as if nothing terrible had happened today, "I need you to come with me." She finished, waiting for her cousin to respond.

Know it's not the best, but when you barely scratch at the surface for a characters emotions, you're gonna fall flat on your face :/