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firewater
19th July 2006, 3:54 AM
Desperation and Abandonment

Prologue
“This is an official gym battle between Blaine, owner of the cinnabar gym and the challenging trainer, Trent from Fortree city. Two pokemon are to be used, the challenger can substitute hit two pokemon while the gym leader cannot.

“Qulava use hidden power on that umbreon”

“Umbreon dodge and use shadow ball!”

We turn to see a gym battle between Blaine, the owner of the cinnabar gym and a nameless trainer, wearing blue jeans, and a purple and green striped shirt square off in a gym battle, in Cinnabar’s infamous volcanic arena (think of Ash’s gym battle against him). As a Qulava, a pokemon with dark fur on its back, flames sparking from its neck and rear and a cream colored stomach focuses on the ground as small spheres glowing green surround it. As the Qulava fires the green orbs at the umbreon, a four legged black pokemon with yellow rings on parts of its body side steps right and spits out dark energy until a black mass appears. As Blaine shouts an indecipherable command the ball is fired at the Qulava who just looks completely oblivious to the attack thrown at it. But as the attack lands a brownish aura surrounds Qulava, and sends the shadow ball back to its owner with twice the speed as it had before, and quickly fires a man shaped fire ball that engulfs the shadow ball, and increases its speed, while encasing it in smoke that blinds umbreon and its trainer.

“Now finish that crazy Qulava with a hyper beam NOW!”

Umbreon charges an orange beam that starts to gain power he holds it in his mouth with every passing second. Unfortunately the countered and flaming shadow ball flies out of the smoke, and collides with the infant hyper beam which protected its user by blocking the super powered blast but left Umbreon defenseless and exhausted. Sensing a victory Blaine exclaims with glee

” now Qulava finish it with overheat for the win!”

“NO UMBREON!!”

As Umbreon pants in exhaustion, Qulava shoots an immense blast of flames that looks just identical to the hyper beam fired just earlier, but a darker red, slams into Umbreon like a truck. The Umbreon was clearly K.Oed but, to everyone’s fear it was sliding off the field towards the surrounding lava. Panicking, the trainer narrowly returns Umbreon before it falls to its death. Visibly shaken Trent immediately screams at Blaine

“WHAT THE HECK WERE YOU THINKING?”

As Blaine mutters a quick apology he watches as Trent calls out a Hariyama, a giant pokemon, with a large body, that looks like he is wearing square, yellow rectangles that goes around its ample waist, while he has gigantic legs and hands he is most known for being a pokemon who looks like a sumo wrestler in general. As the referee announces the next round to begin Hariyama quickly grows in size, and his questionable fat grows to muscle, which it the result of Hariyama’s choice to bulk up its body, and stats with the known attack as bulk up.



“Qulava, use flamethrower NOW!”

As Hariyama’s attack finishes, Blaine’s Qulava fires a giant flame at Hariyama that connects, and leaves a sizeable burn on its torso. As Blaine smirks he then realized which ability Hariyama has as it punches the ground, sending shock waves towards Qulava, but also drops several rocks onto the field as well. Qulava, who was not prepared had no chance to use counter as the field shakes from Hariyama’s earthquake. But as it staggers weakly to its feet, it is then hit by a large rock that knocks it out for the count, with the last words it hears being


“Hari Hariyama Yama”


Which Blaine translates to be sent towards him, as Hariyama is fighting for his friend Umbreon, who was nearly killed? As Blaine throws out his next poke ball, he watches as Hariyama falls to one knee, as the burn starts to sink in.

“So your Hariyama has the guts ability?” Blaine asks, as Trent replies

“Yes yes it does, it’s also my second pokemon, after Umbreon”

As Trent concentrates on the battle field he sees that Blaine has sent out a white colored fox with nine tails that are all pointed up like spears. In other words a Ninetales, that immediately gets a nod from Blaine, and its eyes start to glow blue as what looks to be a DNA strand flies out of Hariyama, and goes into Ninetales. Sensing nothing Hariyama starts to fire anther Earthquake, but as it slams its foot down, Ninetales’ eyes change from blue to black and Trent swears that he sees a chain go into Hariyama’s mind. Then a grunt from Hariyama turns him around as no matter how many times Hariyama slams its foot down, the telltale shockwaves fail to come out. Confused Trent goes to complain to the referee, but he realizes what happened as Blaine starts to laugh while ninetales uses its own Earthquake on Hariyama. Cursing himself for letting a mimic and imprison combo hit him like that Trent quickly orders Hariyama to use rest as the burn had spread to its entire body. Hariyama grins, and goes to sleep, as the burn mystically goes away, while Blaine orders his Ninetales to fire a Flamethrower at the slumbering giant. Then Blaine notices his mistake as Trent smirks and orders

“Sleep Talk!!”

Then to Blaine’s astonishment Hariyama leaps onto the largest rock on the battle field and smashes it with one punch, and blows it at Ninetales with a whirlwind attack that sends rocks and dust towards Ninetales in an improved rock slide attack. Blaine winces as Ninetales slams into the rock right in front of him, and is stunned, but he starts to get up with some “encouraging words” that Blaine thinks had the word “coward *****” in them. When he sees what Ninetales does next he sweat drops, and prays for Hariyama’s health, as Ninetales’ nine tails glow silver as it rushes towards the sleeping form.


“Well this battle is over go Ninetales, iron tail!”

Then Trent starts to laugh, and jokingly orders Hariyama to use sleep talk again, but this time its arms glow brown, then cross and fires in a giant X towards the enraged Ninetales which by now is in the air aiming its tails at the sleeping sumo. Well the move choice surprised the three awake participants in the battle, as Blaine watches as the X explodes on Ninetales, Trent beams at his Hariyama’s luck and all Ninetales can say is

“Nine”

Which in pokemon language probably means ****, when the X collides with its face it falls straight down to the ground, but when it collided with the ground it was already K.Oed. Then as the battle ended One of Trent’s poke balls opens to reveal a Koffing, a purple spherical pokemon, with vents that spew out fumes, and a symbol on its belly that looks like a skull and crossbones, which beams happily when it sees that his trainer had won, but halfway thru its greeting, another fire blast is launched at Trent from an irate Ninetales, who is then knocked out of the way by Koffing’s tackle. But before Koffing could avoid the attack itself the blast hits it, knocking it into the lava before Trent could return it. With one fluid moment Blaine knocks out the distraught Trent, returns the Ninetales, and calls 911 in one fluid moment, only muttering

“Pokemon fell into lava”

Before he sends out his duck billed fire pokemon Magmar to collect the supposed corpse of Koffing. Meanwhile….

“Where am I, and why do I feel so bad, and why is it so hot and why …?”

Before it could ask any more Koffing passes out, and can see through glazed eyes, that a moltres fires a clump of lava on its symbol that glows red, and some of the same clump falls into Koffing’s mouth and on the other side, a Yellow and red blob that has a flaming red tail, and has a bill for a mouth. But finally the Koffing passes into blissful darkness….
“ Get it out now, hurry.”

“we need nurse Joy here stat.”

“why is it’s symbol red.”

“WOW this thing is breathing.”

“get it to intensive care quick”

“Nurse Joy?”

“Yes , now we need as many Chanseys, and as many pokemon with recover or aromatherapy as possible”


Well that is the end of the prologue, if this story is ok I will continue it , but if not I will scrap it

Yami Ryu
19th July 2006, 9:19 AM
Wow. First reading this and instantly comes to my mind...

what the feck is going on

Re-reading...

Ok what the **** is going on

Third reading.... I SEE YOU NEED TO GO READ ADVICE FOR ASPIRING AUTHORS BADLY.

*staples said thread to Firewater's head*

What the fudge is a QULAVA. Is it a love child of a Quilava and a Q from STAR TREK? OMG BEASTIALITY :O


We turn to see a gym battle between Blaine, the owner of the cinnabar gym and a nameless trainer, wearing blue jeans, and a purple and green striped shirt square off in a gym battle, in Cinnabar’s infamous volcanic arena (think of Ash’s gym battle against him).

OMG YOU LOSE ON SO MANY LEVELS. I AM NOT SURPRISED. You introduce this as a bad episode of the anime- worst of all you describe the character badly, and then to top it off... YOU USE AUTHOR NOTE TO TRY AND GET AROUND THE SET UP FOR THE BATTLE ARENA.

What if no one saw that episode? What if they don't watch the anime. What if they have no idea wtf you're prattling on about relates to the story. ohmaigawd you lose :o

I now love saying ohmaigawd too much.

Moving on;

You have no idea how to seperate paragraphs into scentences, and bunch up way too much information into one, about too many things, that you prattle on and will lose readers. No one likes a rambling paragraph.


As Blaine mutters a quick apology

... OOC BLAINE.

Why is he ooc? Blaine never muttered an apology to Ash when Pikachu nearly died. Oh yes, he nearly did, and Blaine did not apologize, nor give Ash a badge for zomg, 'being nice to his pokemon'. Like Brock did.

:x

I see Blaine more likely being all, 'We're battling on a platform over lava. You knew the risks were high before battling me, and knew that not many people challenge me anymore, for like Sabrina. I DO NOT GIVE A FLYING DUCK.'

>.> but nuuuh you have wimpy Blaine.

:/ you lose brownie points there.


Which Blaine translates to be sent towards him, as Hariyama is fighting for his friend Umbreon, who was nearly killed?

And again, why would Blaine give a ****, and couldn't that also have been taken as a threat to the human? :/ shallow, shallow characters you have made, young padawon.


“So your Hariyama has the guts ability?” Blaine asks, as Trent replies

“Yes yes it does, it’s also my second pokemon, after Umbreon”

And this matters how? Why would someone go around blathering about useless information. If I was fighting someone, I don't give a damn if they even saw a legendary- no wait I would care. After I beat the **** outta them and made them tell me where they saw it.

Then steal their pokemon.

For I am evil. And shallow in a whole other sense of way :x for I am evil.

Seriously though, your story structure sucks.


“Nine”

Which in pokemon language probably means ****

That, the 'Nine' and the bit before that could have been A SCENTENCE OR A PARAGRAPH. Also we wouldn't need to know it means feck. I think we'd know the Ninetales was swearing at its iminate doom.

All I see here is you down playing Blaine, making him a suck *** character, and making your Trent appear god like.

:/ no one loves gary stues. No one loves OOC's.

And oooh a special koffing- sorry but if anything fell into lava that can not survive the extreme heat.

IT WOULD DIE. Or in koffing's case, sense it's a living ball of gas. It would explode with a terrific bang. Like a fire cracker.

Oooh. Ahhh. Purple flaming explodie bits. Oooooh.

>.>

Also on top of your poor grasp of reality and paragraphing, your ability to make indepth coversations between characters falls flat on its face. But seeing as you fail to make deep characters, I am not surprised.

Not at all.

Aquadragon
29th July 2006, 9:59 AM
What is qulava? Did you mean quilava?