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Danisuke_San
20th July 2006, 8:26 AM
My last fic was a flop, but hopefully this one isn't. This one is based on me playing my Yellow Version, but I changed a few thing and didn't change things. Hopefully you'll like it, If you have suggestions post them. I know I'm not the brightest bulb, so my spelling might not be that good. Or the past,present,future tense thing. It will have some cussing yes, but rarely and then keeps getting more common.

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Pokemon: Kanto Story
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Chapter Index
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Chapter 001: The Beginning Of a New Destiny

Chapter 002: The Pokemon Leauge Rivalry!

Chapter 003: The Caterpie Caper!

Chapter 004: An Electrical First Meeting!

Chapter 005: A Stone Cold Battle in Pewter City!

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-Chapter 001:The Beginning Of a New Destiny!-




The golden sun shone brightly on the serene picture of beauty known as Pallet Town. There wasn't a single cloud to block the magnificent rays of sunlight it cast upon the citizens. The crystal blue sky hung above the town, giving aspiring young trainers something to look up to for confidence and strength. The cries of wild Pokemon filled the fresh air, ringing through the ears of Pallet Town's inhabitants. Such qualities made this the perfect day for young Pokemon Trainers to start their journey through the Kanto Region.

One such trainer was a young boy by the name of Dani Niwa. He has now hit the age of 11, and by the name of the Pallet Pokemon Academy was now eligable to recieve his first Pokemon from the local pokemon wiz,Prof.Oak. The young boy is quietly sleeping away the morning in his quiet suburban neighborhood. A loud ringing was heard that cut through the silence of his room. A small pidgey popos its small body out of the wooden alarm clock. It signified the morning time of 7:00 A.M. He groaned and fell out of his bed hitting his head on the floor.

"Ahh man I hate this." He rubbed his head and stood up. He ruffled his long,messy, black hair and looked down at the floor. His amber eyes lost in his tiredness. He soon snapped out of his revier, picked up a black shirt and smelled it,

"This smells clean, well looks like I'm taking this." He pulled off the long blue shirt he was wearing and put on the black one, its collar waving in the cold draft coming in from his window. It wrapped itself around Dani's body and refreshed him. He put on his blue jeans, and black belt. He slipped on white socks, and red, and black sneakers. His black hair covering his eyes sometimes was blocking his amber eyes. He searched for his bag he prepared the night before with the essentials he would need for his journey that day, passing his computer at the corner of his room. It had an E-Mail from the Pokemon Academy assigned to him, it was sent by non other than, Prof. Oak. It read:


Dear Dani Niwa,

Hello there! Congratulations on passing my Pokemon Trainer Test with flying colors!You will head out into the Pokemon World! My name is Prof. Oak! People call me the Pokemon Professor!

;033;This world is inhabited by creatures called Pokemon, but you should know that by now. For some people, Pokemon are pets. Others use them for fights. Myself... I study Pokemon as a profession. You,Dani Niwa, will recieve your starting pokemon from me. If you don't make the 9:00 deadline and arrive at my laboratory you will not recieve between: Charmander,Squirtle, and Bulbasaur. you might not know this but, my grandson will also go on this journey you are going on. What was his name again... umm.. was it Rick... Andy..Edgar.. Oh that's right I got it, Hiro!

Dani! Your very own Pokemon Legend is about to unfold!A world of dreams and adventures with pokemon is now open!

Sincerily, Pokemon Wiz
Prof. Oak

Dani and his bag he successfully found wedged under his pile of comics head downstairs to where his mother was sitting on the table viewing their Television Set. Dani looked carefully at his mother and noticed she was weeping.

"Mom, are you o.k. I'll be fine you don't have to worry." Dani said.

"Oh I'm not worried about you Dani, it' just this soap opra.... Why Pedro! Why!" She said crying. Dani facefaulted, stood up and smiled.

"Well mom, I'm off on my journey to become a Pokemon Journey." He said. His mother wasn't paying much attention to him.

"Oh son, I forgot to tell you Prof. Oak is wondering where you are." Dani was puzzled by this and looked behind him at their clock... 8:50!!!

"Mom! Why didn't you wake me!"

"I did, three times. Each time you said you'll be right up."

"But I specifically remember waking up after the alarm!"

"You did then you fell off and fell asleep again. Anyways remember to do that thing with your underwear. And call me when you reach the city beyond the plains." She said kissing him goodbye. Dani was in disbelief as his mother placed his red and black cap on Dani's head. He raced out the door into the cold, crisp air of the morning.

He ran down the narrow dirt road passing pokemon such as Sandshrew and Sandshlash. He soon reached a sign that read:

Oak Residence

He rang the doorbell and a young lady with light-brown hair answered the door.

"Oh high Dani, if your looking for Hiro he's out in his lab." It was Daisy, Hiro's older sister.

"I'm not looking for that guy, I'm looking for the professor!" Dani said frustrated.

"Oh well I think he's out in the lab too." Dani nodded and started to run some more and faster too. He hoped that he would still get his starting choice,Bulbasaur. He passes grass pokemon entering the plain part of town, he reached the quaint building that is Oak's lab. He walks inside the sliding doors and passed Oak's aides reading books until he reached the end of the room.

"Dani, gramps isn't here right now. He's out in the fields." Hiro said sitting down on a chair, ruffling his black, spiky hair. Dani was frustrated even more and stomped out the door,

"You know what, I don't need Oak I can survive on my own. All I need to do is reach the next town buy some pokeballs and catch myself a weak pokemon, then train it!" Dnai nodded at his idea and headed off to the plains towards the north of Pallet Town. He entered the tall grass of the plain as a man grabbed his shoulder,

"Dani! Don't go out! It's unsafe! Wild Pokemon live in tall grass!" It was Prof. Oak who was mildly worried.

"Well I though I can catch my first pokemon." Dani replied.

"Don't be a fool, you need your own Pokemon before you head out. Hurry, follow me to my laboratory!" Oak guided Dani down the path he just came back from. They entered their laboratory where Hiro was waiting. He was wiping dirt of his thin red jacket, along with the white undershirt. His black pants were the same shade as his eyes along with his shoes. His black hair was alittle lighter.

"Hello Hiro! You two are the latest ones! The first trainer already headed out!" He gestered towards the missing spot on the table next to him. The table held two pokeballs now, each with a respective starter.

"Well can I leave before Dani-boy here gramps!" Hiro said pushing Dani aside.

"No, Dani here will pick first. Go ahead Dani." Dani nodded and headed over to the small table. He looked at the two remaining pokeballs and saw a small red lizard in one and small blue turtle in the other. He kept looking back and forth,

'Oh no! Bulbasaur! I gues I'll have to pick Squirtle!'Dani thought to himself.He extended his shaky hand to grab the capsule.

"That's it!" Hiro yelled. He ran over to the table and pushed Dani aside.

"THis one's mine!" He smirked. Dani was fuming and looked at his last resort, a Charmander.

"Well o.k this one's said to be energetic anyways." Dani said. He looked over to Oak who nodded aswell.

"I'd say since both of those are your first Pokemon, you should nickname them." Oak merrily said.

"Yeah, that'll be fun!" Dani sadi. He looked at the Charmander carefully,

"How about Blaze? That sounds fine." Dani said. Oak nodded and looked at Hiro.

"No way! Nicknames are for babies!" Hiro said.

"No they aren't, my Blaze can kick your Squirtle's *** in a mila-second. It'll squash it like a Charizard does to a Caterpie!" Dani immediately took defensive.

"Alright then battle!" Hiro exlaimed. The Aides were all happy and guided them outside.

"Go Blaze!" Dani screeched. Out came the new pokemon, the small Charmander scratched the dirt. It was ready to battle.

Oak came out to ref the battle.

"This will be a 1vs1 Pokemon battle. First person to KO the other's Pokemon, wins!"

"Squirtle, jump of that rock and Tackle Charmander."

Squirtle jumps off a rock next to Oak's Laboratory and nails Charmander with a hard Tackle. At that moment the aides were betting on Hiro's victory with its advantage.

"Charmander, jump into the air and burn the grass around Squirtle!" Charmander unleashed the heavy balls of burning whatever its made of. It sevearly burns the grass around the Squirtle.

"Squirtle put out the flames with a Water Gun!" THe flames are almost immediately put out. When the Squirtle looks back, Charmander's gone.

"Headbutt!" Dani yelled. Squirtle looked up only to be nailed in the head by Charmander's enourmous head.

"Now kick it into the air!" Charmander kicked it with pleasure and bounced it into the air, the Squirtle still dazed and confused.

"Finish it off with a strong ember!

As Squirtle is falling to the ground, Charmander wildly fires multiple Embers at it. It gets hit, and lands onto the ground, unconscious.

"Squirtle is unable to battle, Charmander wins!"

The aides are in awe, it is all silence as Hiro throws his ball and calls back his Squirtle. Suddenly they all cheer and pick up Dani in congratulations. Dani looks at Hiro who is giving him a look. Later that day Dani and Hiro are on the outskirts of town talking with Oak.

"Well you two have shown your skills as trainers. And that was a blazing battle. And now I'd like you two to have this." Oak extended each arm each holding a small red device that has the look of a notebook.

"This is a Poke-Dex, this will record every pokemon that you meet. But will only record its full data when it is captured by these." Oak then again extended both arms each holding five pokeballs. He handed them to each and Dani and Hiro looked at eachother heading off to Route 1. Soon they come to a crossroad and part their ways.

Dani going straight ahead, as Hiro goes East. He walks with trailing dirt behind him. His Charmander,Blaze, on his shoulder merrily sleeping. Dani sees a flat boulder and decides to take a long needed rest. He opens a cookbook his mother gave to him and served Blaze pokemon food. Blaze ate his food as Dani naps on the boulder, his bag serving as a pillow. A small brown and white bird appears and lands on Dani. His nails extending and piercing them into Dani's shirt. Dani yells in pain as Blaze looks up. The Pidgey flies above Dani and Blaze runs up on Dani's head and yells,

<Hey you, what's up with your attitude!>

<I was only trying to nap, your companion looked comterable> The Pidgey said clutching on a near-by branch, ruffling its feathers.

"Your in for it pal!" Dani said. Blaze looking at the Pidgey.

"Alright, showtime! Use an Ember Blaze!" The small lizard hops up out of Dani's head and releases a ball of fire that knock Pidgey into the ground. It popos its head out of the grass with its feathers all burnt. It knocks up and sand blowing Blaze and Dani back slightly. They shielded their eyes from the knocked up dirt. Dani pops open his pokedex and checking Blaze's current moves.

"Alright, use a full-force scratch!" The lizard charged towards the bird with its nails up. It scratched at the bird who flew upwards and started pecking Blaze's head.

"Hey knock it off, Ember it!" Dani yelled.Blaze opened its mouth and released a ball of fire which knocked the Pidgey back wards. It panted and tried to stand up,


"This looks good! Go Pokeball!" The sphere is thrown towards teh Pokemon and hits the Pidgey. The ball seperates into two surrounding the bird,shrinking it, then trapping it. The ball wobbled on the ground with a wobbling sound. Soon a ping was heard and Dani looked at the ball intently,

"I did it! I mean we did it Blaze!" Dani made a thumbs up and said,

"You rock, you rule!" Dani walked over to the ball and picked it up with the Pidgey resting up inside.

"We've got a new friend, the dex said it was a female so your name is.... Rose!" Blaze smiled at his new friend as they continued along the first route. The dirt path gave itself away to a green meadow with millions of Butterfree flying by.

With little knoledge that one of those Butterfree was bugged. It was camera, it was spying on him and Hiro.
-----

A shady man with a Persian by his side looks at the divided screen, on the left Dani Niwa, and on the right, Hiro Oak.

"Let's keep an eye on those two, they'll be meddlesome later on. Buzz, Mimi!" The man said in a deep voice.

"Yes Giovanni sir!" The two people said. They were in black outfits with a red R on their shirt. They were Team Rocket.

"Go stop those kids in their tracks." He said. The two nodded and headed off. Giovanni chuckled then burst into an EVIl laughter. Petting his Persian EVILY. And drinking his coffe of EVIL.

END
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I know its short, but It'll be bigger and better later on in the story. And hopefully people with like it and I'll continue it on!

Spriteman
20th July 2006, 8:41 AM
Whats wrong with Bulbasaur!? I stopped reading after he didn't choose Bulbasaur!!!!

Yami Ryu
20th July 2006, 8:53 AM
We've got a new friend, the dex said it was a female so your name is.... Rose!" Blaze smiled at his new friend as they continued along the first route. The dirt path gave itself away to a green meadow with millions of Butterfree flying by.

This is the cheeseiest scene I have ever .. seen. So instantly he assumes the Pidgey is going to see him as its master? Or correction, her master? And how can Blaze smile at his new friend when she is in a pokeball and oblivious to it all- and wouldn't she hate the charmander anyways for injuring her? Edit: And millions- millions of butterfree? Not even normal butterflies swarm that much unless they are Monarch's and they do it because they migrate :/ but Butterfree are larger. They eat more. So I think you should do it a bit more realistically like 'what appeared to be millions of butterfree, with how they danced in the air' or something. Or maybe you should go with a lower number. Like a hundred or so :/

And what the **** is up lately with the random smilies!?

Anyways you face the same problem as you did with your damn xxZeroxx account :/ missing words, some bad grammar. Shallow characters for both pokemon and humans, etcetcetc... And it feels like a bad rip off of the anime and the game. .-. and your battle scenes also leave something to be desired.

Demy
20th July 2006, 1:17 PM
How come you have the print so small that size should be banned. ?

If you put your front up to a readable size then I will read and review the 1st chapter.

Demy

Danisuke_San
20th July 2006, 6:34 PM
Whats wrong with Bulbasaur!? I stopped reading after he didn't choose Bulbasaur!!!!
Yeah well for some reason I don't like Bulbasaur much, sorry. I'll put him in more if you'd like.

Yami Ryu:
# 1. I never said the Pidgey was comfterable with any of them.

# 2. Millions is just an expression for alot

# 3. If your talking about the Nidorino its because if you played the original Gameboy games Prof. Oak shows you a Nidorino. I tried to put in a picture of him but it kept coming up a link.

# 4. I agree with you about the battle scenes.

Demy: I agree, ban the small print!

katiekitten
20th July 2006, 6:44 PM
... XD

The reason why pictures are only linked, is because this is a writing forum. You are supposed to use your writing ability to describe the nidoran.

Danisuke_San
20th July 2006, 6:50 PM
Thank you Sensei *insert name here*. I shall do just that in the next chapter.

Astinus
20th July 2006, 11:08 PM
With a bit more proof-reading, mistakes can be caught.


"Well mom, I'm off on my journey to become a Pokemon Journey." He said. His mother wasn't paying much attention to him.

Why is Dani going off on a journey to become a journey?


"You know what, I don't need Oak I can survive on my own. All I need to do is reach the next town buy some pokeballs and catch myself a weak pokemon, then train it!" Dnai nodded at his idea and headed off to the plains towards the north of Pallet Town. He entered the tall grass of the plain as a man grabbed his shoulder,


Can't even spell your own character's name right? This is even excluding the rest of the bad grammar in here. Like the fact that the comma at the end of the paragraph needs to be a full stop. And the first two sentences are run-ons.


"No, Dani here will pick first. Go ahead Dani." Dani nodded and headed over to the small table. He looked at the two remaining pokeballs and saw a small red lizard in one and small blue turtle in the other. He kept looking back and forth,

'Oh no! Bulbasaur! I gues I'll have to pick Squirtle!'Dani thought to himself.He extended his shaky hand to grab the capsule.

As far as your readers know, Bulbasaur was taken by another trainer who doesn't even exist. You can't use the excuse of "I don't like it" to write it completely out of canon. -_-


"Charmander, jump into the air and burn the grass around Squirtle!" Charmander unleashed the heavy balls of burning whatever its made of. It sevearly burns the grass around the Squirtle.

Come up with an explaination for the attack. You could even just say "gas".


"Headbutt!" Dani yelled. Squirtle looked up only to be nailed in the head by Charmander's enourmous head.


Charmander's head is porportional to the rest of its body...


<I was only trying to nap, your companion looked comterable> The Pidgey said clutching on a near-by branch, ruffling its feathers.


Wild birds don't readily come to sit on humans.


The ball wobbled on the ground with a wobbling sound.

Redundant...


"Go stop those kids in their tracks." He said. The two nodded and headed off. Giovanni chuckled then burst into an EVIl laughter. Petting his Persian EVILY. And drinking his coffe of EVIL.


I think we get the point without having to be hit by a 2x4...

You are missing some spaces between words. Your paragraphing is off. Punctuation is used incorrectly.

Yes, I know that Nidorino was used in the original games for the introduction. But these characters live in that world. They don't need some old man rambling on about creatures they already know about.

I also know what Ash looks like. I also know his alarm clock. It's a Voltorb one with a Pidgey that pops, not popos, out of it. You know, like the one your character has. I also know that Ash wears a black tee-shirt, red-and-black sneakers, white socks, and a red-and-white cap. He also woke up late. His mum is also obsessed with underwear.

Still, in some slight way, this also reminds me a bit of Saber's fic. I can't put my finger on the reason.

In summary, proof-read, and toss in some originality a bit too.

Danisuke_San
21st July 2006, 1:08 AM
Like I said, I don't pay attention much in school. And I said red and BLACK hat, not red and white.

-Chapter 002: The Pokemon League Rivalry!-

(Small Note, when a pokemon is inside a pokeball it is visible)



On the north side of the meadow Dani has just successfully captured another pokemon. A small purple and white rat, whit extremely long whiskers and an overbite. His big, red eyes have a curious look as it sniffs inside the pokeball. They continue down the route as Rose is fumbling in the pokeball still tempered at Blaze for what he did to her.

<Look I'm sorry, what was I supposed to do. You were pecking at Dani for Pete’s sake!> Blaze said trying to calm Rose down a bit. Rose didn't pay any attention at Blaze.

'I wonder how Hiro's doing. I hope he hasn't made it to Viridian already. It's been over a day now and I'm still on this stupid field! Man this belt is kind of getting heavy. That Rattata made it how many pokemon?' Dani's voice echoes in his own head. He looks down at Blaze who is waddling besides him talking to Rose. They come to a manmade walkway of cement which leads to a small grassy area. Dani and his pokemon cover their ears at the sound of a loud screech. They look behind them to see a mob of small Rattata scurry towards them. Rattata's entry on the Poke-Dex said where one is there would be a pack... but this is ridiculous!

"Aaahhh! Guys let's get out of here!" Dani picked up Blaze and started running beyond the sign that welcomed him to Viridian. He entered the city with the Rattata chasing behind him, who looked all over for a place to hide. He ran in front of a white and red building and kept searching. Suddenly the sliding doors opened and a hand grabbed him and took him into the building. Dani picks himself up and looks behind him,

"Hey buddy what's the big idea!" Dani wiped off dirt from his shirt and looks up. It was Hiro!

"Heh, you big baby! What were you running from?" Hiro asked chuckling to himself. Dani pointed backwards almost immediately when there was a big bang on the door. Hiro was surprised to see a bunch of Rattata squished together at the entrance door. The doors open and the Rattata spill into the building with a few shrieks and screams, one of which belonged to Dani. The pokemon mobbed Dani, covering him completely along with Blaze. When the Rattata got off Dani's shirt was ripped and he had paw marks made of dirt and mud all over his body.

"Good thing those were a bunch of baby pokemon." Hiro said. Dani laughed sarcastically. He noticed the babied had taken his Rattata he caught.

"Hey that's mi-" Dani was cut off by the sound of a glass breaking. One of the pokemon had bitten the ball and released its brother.

"A baby Rattata can do that... a pokemon can do that?!" Dani said in disbelief picking up the remaining pieces that were his pokeball.

"Yeah pretty much, I can't believe you didn't know that. And why didn't you head straight for the Pokemon center?" Hiro asked him.

"The Poke-whowhatszynow?" Dani asked.

"Did you pay any attention in class, you’re an idiot!"

"Not really, well what does this center do? Does it do something for your pokemon?" Dani asked looking around at the lot of Pokemon Trainers coming in.

"As a matter of fact you can actually heal your Pokemon here free of charge, and that's not all a special computer at the corner of the center can access your storage facility with your given Id No. You can deposit pokemon or even withdraw some. And next to the healing counter a lady can help you interact with friends." Dani wasn't paying much attention and headed to the front counter. The lady giggled and headed off with a tray full of pokeballs. Dani came back to him and asked him about his pokedex,

"So how many pokemon have you got data for?" Dani said slightly giggling thinking he could never beat his record.

"See for yourself." Hiro said sticking out his poke-dex. It had two sets of numbers on the side.

Seen: 30
Own: 29

"What! How can you catch that many, I've only caught 13!" Dani said. Hiro left the center, and Dani remembered he didn't ask him about the actual pokemon he has. The machine's noises were done and Dani received his pokemon back. He sighed and headed over to the "PC". He inserted his ID No. and selected the deposit option.

"Who ever made this must be a genius. Look at all this stuff I can't understand." Dani said amazed by the computer. Blaze and Rose were playing a small game of cops and robbers.

<Thanks for forgiving me Rose.> Blaze said trying to capture Rose who was the Robber. She even had a small black marking over her eyes. It was soot produced by Blaze.

<Well I though I would be burned for the rest of my life. Silly me." She said giggling. Dani came back from the PC and asked his pokemon if he wanted some grub. They agreed and they headed into the cafeteria, they had a bite to eat and asked his pokemon,

"Hey, when you guys get bigger and stronger do you think we can beat the Pokemon League?"

<We can beat them right now!> Rose yelled. Dani nodded and they headed off to the small cliff entrance of the Pokemon League. As he headed down the cement walk way a familiar figure appeared.

"Yo Dani, if you think you're getting in your sadly mistaken. Even I couldn't get in. And I can't get in a pathetic little ***** like you can't either." Hiro remarked with a shadow covering half of his face.

"What, you saw what my Blaze did with your sorry ***'s pokemon. I bet I can beat you again!" Dani said un-clipping a poke-ball from his belt.

"Fine then, have it your way. Go Spearow!" He said pulling his hair out of his face. The puff of smoke revealed a small red and black bird.

"Alright, Go Rose!" The small pigeon pokemon clutched the dirt as did the Spearow. Hiro yelled a command and Spearow rose into the air and releasing a burst of air and has some enormous force. Rose is lifted into the air and then dropped violently.

"Use agility to get up there and use a Wing Attack!" Dani pointed into the air as soon as Rose disappeared into it. She arrived behind the Spearow and struck it with its glowing wing. Spearow dropped down into the ground and Spearow arose. Rose came down gently only to be pecked by Spearow. Its sharp, yellow and orange beak lunging into Rose's feathers quick. Rose was hurt but so was Spearow. They both were at low health, Dani checked his Poke-Dex. Rose had only a few Hit Points left.

"Finish it with a Gust Rose!" Rose nodded and flapped her wings as hard as she could to generate a small tornado which grew bigger and sucked Spearow into it. Hiro watched as his Spearow was spinning around in the vortex for quiet awhile. He was let down with no notice and fell to the ground with a thud.

"Return Spearow! Go Pidgey!" The bird pokemon who was almost identical to Rose appeared with a screech.

"Alright, Return Rose! For Round 2 I'll choose.... Bellsprout! Razor Leaf!" The Sprout pokemon was released and waved its arms to release a barrage of razor sharp leaves that hit Pidgey's small body repeatedly.

"Use Quick Attack Pidgey!" The small bird almost disappeared and reappeared in front of Bellsprout which hit its extremely large, yellow head.

"Use Sweet Scent Bellsprout!" The Bellsprout let out an irresistible aroma that attracted many grass type pokemon. Things such as grass revealed themselves to be Oddish. Pidgey didn't just stand around and watched this It used another Quick Attack without order and smacked Bellsprout on its cheek. A Bulbasaur cushioned its landing and another started yelling at the Pidgey. Pidgey felt it grew smaller by the yell.

"Hey this is against the rules. Wild Pokemon can't interfere!" Hiro yelled pointed at the Bulbasaur.

"Well then ignore them! Use another Razor Leaf!" Dani ordered. Nothing happened and he looked over at Bellsprout and it was blushing as it talked to Bulbasaur.

"Oh come on! Return Bellsprout!" Dani called it back, as did Pidgey because it grew ashamed of its being yelled at. Bulbasaur felt it did its job and left.

"Go Blaze!"

"Go Squirtle!"

The two starting pokemon revealed themselves once more for a rematch.

<This time your big head won't get in my way Blaze!> The Squirtle smirked. Blaze grinned evilly as it waited for a command.

"Blaze, use a Metal Claw!” Blaze charged in front of Squirtle and slashed it with glowing claws.

"Squirtle use a Water Gun!" The Squirtle nodded and shot at the Charmander which launched it into Dani's hands.

"You alright?" Dani asked it. Blaze nodded.

"Then use a Headbutt!"

"Skull bash Squirtle!"

As they were about to hit they were captured by mechanical orb objects then stunned by electricity which fainted them both.

"Who did that, show yourself!" Hiro yelled.

Two shadowy figures appeared. One of them was a man. A black hat covering blond hair. A bandana around his neck separates his skin color from the pitch black of his uniform. A large R represents their team name. He had black gloves on as well as black pants and boots. The lady had long blond hair and had a black hat on as well. She had a rather large scarf on as well as the same uniform on as the man. Her skirt separated her uniform from the man's.

"We are the Rocket's Elite! And by the name of Giovanni we are stopping you in your tracks!" The lady said.

"Well you’re not going to take us alive!" Dani yelled. As he tried to release Charmander and Squirtle.

"Oh, we were hoping you'd say that. Go Slowpoke! Electrode! Strangle them!" They released their pokemon. Hiro ran over to Dani who was already protecting their pokemon. The Slowpoke and Drowzee were ready to attack when an engine was heard. A plane released a net towards Dani and Hiro which captured them along with their pokemon.

"What are you doing?! This is our capture!" The man said.

"Giovanni didn't think you could pull off the job. It's our capture now!" A speaker yelled towards the duo. Dani and Hiro were raised into the air craft and the door behind them was shut tight.

"Hey get us out of here!" Dani yelled punching the walls.

"Brute force won't get us through this Dani! Try and wake up Blaze, I'll cure Squirtle." Hiro said. He took out a small purple and white bottle and sprayed Squirtle with it.

"What was that? How'd you do that?" Dani asked curiously .

"Like any good trainer I stopped by the Poke-Mart." Hiro said trying to piss off his rival.

"Oh, well I can't get Blaze to wake up." Dani said shaking him. Hiro sprayed Blaze as well. With their combined forces Dani and Hiro freed the pokemon. The metallic sphere was on the floor in bits and pieces. Hiro was searching the plane for a weakness of some sort.

"Squirtle Head Bash that control box!" The water turtle nodded and charged at the box at full speed. Its head crushed the box and left a huge dent. Sparks flew everywhere as the plain went down. The door’s lock was overridden and the door flung open. They withdrew their pokemon and looked out the door.

"That's along way, can't this plain fall any faster!" Dani said frustrated.

"Dani! Go jump in a lake!" Hiro said looking down.

"Now is no time for insults Hiro!" Dani said screaming at the top of his lungs. Both the wind and the engine made horrible noises.

"Literally, the plains low enough to jump in a lake. And there's one down there. Let's go!" Hiro said pointed at a blue body of water next to the city of Viridian.

Dani nodded. He pulled his red and black hat backwards and jumped down before Hiro. Hiro jumped almost hitting his face on Dani's feet. With a big splash Dani and Hiro hit the lake. They pulled their heads up to the surface and they looked around for the aircraft. It was nowhere to be seen along with that duo of Rockets. Later that day Dani and Hiro parted once more and Dani walks north to his next destination. He kept walking until an old man stopped him looking on the ground.

"Excuse me young man have you seen my pokeball?" The man asked him not raising his head.

"You mean the one right in front of your face." Dani replied. The old man picked up the ball and thanked him. Dani continued along with thoughts of winning his first Gym Battle.


END


This one I used spell check, hope its better in grammar and stuff.

Demy
21st July 2006, 6:37 AM
This size front is much much better. Chapter 2 is not bad, the sceen where the two boys get chapted is a bit shpt in my view could ahve been long.

Overall 3.5/5
Demy.

Danisuke_San
21st July 2006, 6:44 AM
Finally the first good review I've had! Well thanks, yeah it was short.

Yami Ryu
21st July 2006, 7:26 AM
Plains? OMG FLYING MEADOWS OF DOOM :O:O

I think you mean Plane. Or Airplane :/ and how could an airplane be low enough to the ground for you to jump safely from? It's going FAST. You suddenly leap out. You land in water. Water is going to be like concreat to your body. >> now if it was a helicopter I could begin to believe something like that. As they can go slow enough and low enough over ground, while if an Airplane goes too slow. IT CRASHES. And if it's too low, IT CRASHES.

:/

Battles are still not your forte. As in, you don't excelle in them. Usually this means people try to improve upon them. Not make them out to be skimpy :/


"We are the Rocket's Elite! And by the name of Giovanni we are stopping you in your tracks!" The lady said.

... ooooh yes I can really see members of Team Rocket GIVING AWAY WHO THEIR BOSS IS SO HE CAN EASILY BE TRACKED DOWN :O

and what's so wrong with the default size :/


"What are you doing?! This is our capture!" The man exclaimed in shock/and/or/surprise.

Oooh see an iddy bit more emotion. :/


Dani nodded. He pulled his red and black hat backwards and jumped down before Hiro. Hiro jumped almost hitting his face on Dani's feet. With a big splash Dani and Hiro hit the lake. They pulled their heads up to the surface and they looked around for the aircraft. It was nowhere to be seen along with that duo of Rockets. Later that day Dani and Hiro parted once more and Dani walks north to his next destination. He kept walking until an old man stopped him looking on the ground.

:/ ok that which could have been atleast several paragraphs was squashed into a bad one. This is a sign- as with the rest of the chapter, that you really aren't trying, or that you still don't realise, rushing something to get it done NOW is not smart.

There is a reason for 'time'. Time prevents everything from happening at once. But it seems you don't understand the concept :/

Danisuke_San
21st July 2006, 7:17 PM
Yami Ryu I thank you for your honesty, I need to be trained in the battle sequences. And sorry I meant one of those small aircrafts that look like helicopters but aren't.

Chaos Rush
27th July 2006, 11:23 PM
Oh look here! So this was your third time, and your other was your fourth time!!!
Atleast this is not made by a 4th account, because you tried making another fic by making, your third account. But since you made this with your first account, Zephyr Flare won't be informed about this. (Or she might.)

Sadly, I rate this 0/10, because this is another attempt to copy Saber.